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The River: Paranormal Watertivity


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#301

Glass Ocean

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Posted Mar 15, 2012 @ 10:50 PM

Emmett emerging from coma with absolutely no mental or muscle atrophy


I'm of the opinion that the mental atrophy has been occurring for quite some time now, since he started this last do-or-die expedition.

Is he really a giant dragon fly somehow? Did he weave his own cocoon or did the Angel Natives do it for him? Honestly, it amazes me how many basic questions go completely unanswered per episode never to return to consciousness again, at least in the minds of the writers. Maybe that's the key -- never ask WHY. 'Cause you ain't never gonna get an answer.

Next week -- what horror/oddball genres have we not explored? Vampires? Werewolves? Chain saw maniacs? Aliens? And let's not forget Sasquatches! Maybe Bobo can pop in for a quickie...

How would I like this to end? Say, the River swallows them all whole and drags them to the River Styx aboard the Magus, but only after Tess has been satisfyingly abducted by a Save the Rainforest psychopath, made to watch all the damn tapes played backwards with a particular focus on her own abhorrent and repetitious behavior, and then put thru the ole woodchipper. While we gape in admiration and relief.

Edited by Glass Ocean, Mar 15, 2012 @ 10:53 PM.


#302

Imonrey

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Posted Mar 16, 2012 @ 1:01 PM

Honestly. Zombies? Honestly.

Has anybody else noticed that the show has TOTALLY ripped off the plot of Justin Cronin's novel The Passage?

Yes, but it was also pretty much derivative of every single zombie movie ever. I mean, a genetic engineering experiment gone awry, zombies ensue. OK. But for the Magus crew to just assume these zombies want to eat them for lunch is saying "Hey, zombies are well known to all as are their motivations, regardless of their origins." It's one thing to say they went insane after being infected and had some zombie-like qualities, but for the crew to be so blase about it and react as though they run into zombies on a weekly basis is ridiculous. They might as well have had the zombies groaning "brains! brains!" at them.

I believe both Kurt and Hana's intent was to stop people from finding "the source", not sure who they're working for but whoever it is doesn't want them finding it.

But what the hell does the zombie virus have to do with the Source? It feels like we changed horses midstream.

I wonder if Katie - er, Rabbit - is going to come back as a zombie. A possessed zombie. 'Cuz that's totally what she does.

I'm not even going to touch how Emmett could have manifested that gelatinous cocoon. I don't even want to think about it.

#303

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Posted Mar 16, 2012 @ 1:12 PM

but for the crew to be so blase about it and react as though they run into zombies on a weekly basis is ridiculous.

When Lincoln and Lena started actually flirting over the computer while they were trapped in the office due to hungry Zombies chasing them, that may have been the moment when this show got too bad to love. And Cappy had the presence of mind to look jealous over this interaction...not scared to death, not peeing in his pants, not pissed off that these idiots led him into zombie-ville, but jealous over some inane flirting on the other side of the room.

And then Tess left the dog, and I wasn't sure I could keep watching. Other than this episode, I have pretty much loved this show, but this one really annoyed me. As pointed out in the Recap, how was it possible for our group to escape the zombies, but Rabbit was stuck there? Where did she hide and how did she survive? Would the zombies really have noticed if she took off at the beginning of nap time? I suppose she didn't really have anywhere to go, but I think I would have tried out my survival skills rather than hang out with the zombies. Then Tess gets back to the boat, and instead of asking for more information about Zombies! she instead chooses to lecture this poor girl, and the rest of them just go back to singing along with the accordian or something.

I'm hoping for some good stuff next week so I can go back to kind of loving this mess...

#304

hjohnson

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Posted Mar 16, 2012 @ 10:54 PM

As pointed out in the Recap, how was it possible for our group to escape the zombies, but Rabbit was stuck there?

Putting myself in that situation, because lord knows its plausible... I would weigh my options. Make a break for the jungle, where I don't know my way back to my broken down ship and don't remember the stupid whistle that my crazy mentor did to keep away the fairy demon ghost... or stay in a facility that someone somewhere had to know where it was with zombie people that once had families that would probably look for them one day... I'd say she was better off at the compound, despite the zombies, at being found one day then she would have had surviving one more night in the jungle.

Though there was that road we saw the jeeps on in the episode before and those had to lead somewhere....

#305

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Posted Mar 17, 2012 @ 10:10 AM

hjohnson:

As pointed out in the Recap, how was it possible for our group to escape the zombies, but Rabbit was stuck there?


Putting myself in that situation, because lord knows its plausible... I would weigh my options. Make a break for the jungle, where I don't know my way back to my broken down ship and don't remember the stupid whistle that my crazy mentor did to keep away the fairy demon ghost... or stay in a facility that someone somewhere had to know where it was with zombie people that once had families that would probably look for them one day... I'd say she was better off at the compound, despite the zombies, at being found one day then she would have had surviving one more night in the jungle.


Not to mention that the rescue team has firearms to keep the zombies at bay, something that Rabbit did not have.

#306

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Posted Mar 17, 2012 @ 10:21 AM

I know this show was filmed in Hawaii but the actors are from Germany, England and Canada. How hard would it have been to hire a couple of actors who looked like they belonged in South America to play the natives?

Or maybe, they could have just filmed it in South America.

I actually enjoy the show and find myself looking forward to it every week, so long as I can suspend my disbelief

I don't mind suspending disbelief, but at this point, disbelief is bungee-jumping on a frayed cable to certain death.

Honestly. Zombies? Honestly.

Not just zombies. Amazombies.

#307

RooKanga

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Posted Mar 17, 2012 @ 2:02 PM

I know this show was filmed in Hawaii but the actors are from Germany, England and Canada. How hard would it have been to hire a couple of actors who looked like they belonged in South America to play the natives?
Or maybe, they could have just filmed it in South America.


I guess I've been to too many theatrical performances where the theatre company practices color blind casting. You see a few African American Juliets and Latina Lady Macbeths you don't even notice things like this anymore.
Also? "Amazombies"? = AWESOME!

#308

fromtheashes1

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Posted Mar 17, 2012 @ 6:18 PM

This show is so wonderfully idiotic that I can't help but kinda love it.

This! It's just.so.bad. I HAVE to see what will happen next.

Hee! Same here!

Honestly. Zombies? Honestly.

Not just zombies. Amazombies.

Not just Amazombies. Napping Amazombies. (How the hell do the writers even come up with these things? Zombies who take naps at conveniently consistent intervals, a whistling leaf monster/demon that likes whistling so much that it won't kill you if you whistle back, angry spirits sealed in a panic room on a boat, flammable ghosts, and to top all that off, a guy in a gelatinous cocoon-thing. I mean, what?!)

Question for those who paid more attention than I did: So...Emmett's been missing for six months, right? Did anyone search for him then? If not... well, why not? Did no one have any clue whatsoever as to his whereabouts? If so... how did they not find, at the very least, the boat? Our Intrepid Idiots seemed to find it (and the tapes, for that matter) easily enough. Its not like it was hidden. Or did it take them six months to figure out he was missing?

#309

Glass Ocean

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 12:41 AM

Though there was that road we saw the jeeps on in the episode before and those had to lead somewhere....


That may be asking for more than this show is capable of since here all roads lead to nowhere.
And by next week we've forgotten they even existed.
Sorry, more accurately they've forgotten they even existed.

#310

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 12:01 PM

Has anybody else noticed that the show has TOTALLY ripped off the plot of Justin Cronin's novel The Passage?


Um, no. If they ripped off The Passage, this show would be a whole hell of a lot better. I can't wait for its sequel to come out in October.

IMO, the writers tossed It, Cell, State of Wonder and Lost in a blender and filmed the steaming mixture of crap that spewed out.

Good on Salsa for refusing to reboard the Ship of Fools. I'm in for the finale just to make sure everybody on the S of F dies and we don't have to suffer anymore.

#311

martwout

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 1:01 PM

Good evening (from my location) everybody,

I'm following this serie on the dutch HBO-version and they are broadcasting the episode in the USA two days later. I enjoy watching the serie but found the solution last thursday not in line with the first 6 episodes and even a cheap solution of the writers. I had hoped that he was somewhere in the Jungle by a mysterious tribe. I'm afraid that the solution of the last episode will again be a cheap trick just as the zombie's of episode 7.

#312

hjohnson

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 1:47 PM

So...Emmett's been missing for six months, right? Did anyone search for him then? If not... well, why not? Did no one have any clue whatsoever as to his whereabouts? If so... how did they not find, at the very least, the boat? Our Intrepid Idiots seemed to find it (and the tapes, for that matter) easily enough. Its not like it was hidden. Or did it take them six months to figure out he was missing?


Watching the first episode again, they say 'after 6 months the search was called off' then the next line says they've looked for weeks to no avail. So that's weird, but nonetheless, they were looking for some amount of time then gave up, presuming he was dead. They had a funeral and seemingly the same day, that's when they went to get Lincoln to look for him. His beacon went off and that's when the show picked up the search.

The way they found the ship was through Lena who looked at tidal patterns? from the beacon's location and came up with some possibilities of where it could have come from. Then they found the ship. The Amazon is massive and Emmett was all crazy and secretive so that's why I think the search party couldn't find it.

#313

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 3:52 PM

Has anybody else noticed that the show has TOTALLY ripped off the plot of Justin Cronin's novel The Passage?



Um, no. If they ripped off The Passage, this show would be a whole hell of a lot better. I can't wait for its sequel to come out in October.



Actually, its almost an exact ripoff of Resident Evil, except this one has Amazombies!!! Seriously, I cannot believe they went there. Someone's having a laugh. And no wonder the team acted so blase. I mean, aren't we all pretty much immune to the threat of zombies nowadays? I wouldn't have laughed more if someone didn't actually speak the words, "double tap" and "cardio."

Great to hear about the Passage sequel, looking forward to it (the ending was such a cliffhanger/letdown/throw the book across the room moment).

#314

fromtheashes1

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 7:15 PM

So...Emmett's been missing for six months, right? Did anyone search for him then? If not... well, why not? Did no one have any clue whatsoever as to his whereabouts? If so... how did they not find, at the very least, the boat? Our Intrepid Idiots seemed to find it (and the tapes, for that matter) easily enough. Its not like it was hidden. Or did it take them six months to figure out he was missing?

Watching the first episode again, they say 'after 6 months the search was called off' then the next line says they've looked for weeks to no avail. So that's weird, but nonetheless, they were looking for some amount of time then gave up, presuming he was dead. They had a funeral and seemingly the same day, that's when they went to get Lincoln to look for him. His beacon went off and that's when the show picked up the search.

The way they found the ship was through Lena who looked at tidal patterns? from the beacon's location and came up with some possibilities of where it could have come from. Then they found the ship. The Amazon is massive and Emmett was all crazy and secretive so that's why I think the search party couldn't find it.

Ohh OK. Thanks for the recap! Couldn't remember if the timeline had been explained or not, and I already deleted all but the most recent episode from my dvr.

I hate to admit it, but I'm a tiny bit sad that the show is ending (I'm assuming for good?). I need something to snark on.

#315

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:04 PM

Have to admit I really enjoyed this episode it was creepy and had a few shocking moments. I'm kind of upset that they left it on a cliffy since I doubt it's going to get another season.

#316

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:10 PM

I thought this ep was the creepy factor that I've been looking for all season. I would actually kind of like not having a second season, because this leaves it on a horrible note, but lets us know that everyone (except Cappy) made it in the search for Emmett. As to whether or not they make it out of the Amazon alive...well, that probably isn't happening.

#317

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:10 PM

Why couldn't the rest of the season have been like that? Evil Lincoln's a little hot. Shows the guy can act after all.

Loved the effect of the river moving; too bad they finally made it interesting and we'll probably never know if they could have kept doing eps like tonight. If they renew I'd watch again to see.

#318

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:19 PM

And we thought with Emmett back, Tess would stop screeching.

Once Lincoln got shot, I was pissed given he is one of the main reasons I keep watching this insanity. Also, agreed sigmaforce86. Evil Lincoln could have stayed if he kept the crazy eyes...

I'm a bit upset that we still never got to know what The Source was, especially since it doesn't look great for a second season. Though I guess they have to keep something open in the hope that a second season comes. You still have to think someone got out since the beginning says 'this is what was found' or whatever so someone has the tapes and got out of the Bouina.

#319

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:23 PM

Where the hell did Jonas get a gun? That surprised me. Tess is an idiot, she went behind her husband's back to dabble in things she doesn't understand.

Jahel is a moron too, she does this spell that someone is telling her the instructions to. Because of three idiots, the entire crew is trapped in the Amazon.

I laughed when the demon told Emmet that Clark and Tess hooked up. I almost forgot the humor of bleeped out curse words.

I hope they do another miniseries of the River, it was finally getting interesting.

#320

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:47 PM

Jahel is a moron too, she does this spell that someone is telling her the instructions to. Because of three idiots, the entire crew is trapped in the Amazon.

You know, the entire fucking show, I kept going on and on about how stupid the rest of them were to not listen to her and then she had to go and be such a MORON. Seriously, Jahel, seriously? All of the fucking things that have happened and you're just chill with listening to something telling you to BRING BACK THE DEAD? That entire boat full of people deserves to be eternally stuck in the Amazon.

#321

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 9:54 PM

So that's it? They just end it on a huge cliffhanger like that? You would think they would have tried for a more definitive ending since the show isn't the type that would get renewed.

I'll fanwank and just pretend that the crew died somehow and are now trapped like that other crew. We probably won't ever get to find out what happened anyways.

#322

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 10:04 PM

Well, I'm willing to bet that the woman who Jahel was channeling that spell from was her mother.

I have to say, that I found the whole possession/back from the dead thing kind of hilarious. All I could think when Lincoln was thrashing around, tied to the table, was, man, that's a neck injury waiting to happen.

I could honestly care less about the most boring love triangle ever. Why either Clark or Emmet would want that shrieky bitch Tess is beyond me.

Jonas taking a shot at Emmet was kind of awesome.

The river changing to keep this Ship of Dicks around? Why? If I were the river, I'd be upping the current to show them on their way.

As ridiculous as this show was, it was fun to watch, if only to make fun of and roll my eyes at.

#323

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 10:07 PM

Of course, show... the only found footage/horror cliché that you hadn't used yet... the possession/exorcism tape. Of course. :facepalm:

If, no, scratch that : when the show is cancelled, I for one, won't miss it a bit.
"Let's take all the popular tropes of the horror genre, throw them in a blender, and hope the numerous flaws of such an approach are covered by the found footage style, and the pedigree of the producers" doesn't make for quality tv, just bland, predictable, derivative tripe.

#324

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 10:11 PM

Agreeing with everyone saying why couldn't the rest of the season have been like that.

When Not!Lincoln snapped Jonas neck I gasped for the first time this entire season. I was sure Not!Lincoln was going to go through the whole crew and just kill everyone and that's why he needed Kurt out of the way.

Evil Lincoln's a little hot. Shows the guy can act after all.


Yeah, Anderson can pull of psycho well without making it look over the top. Catch him in The Crazies for further proof.

#325

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 10:37 PM

So that's it? They just end it on a huge cliffhanger like that? You would think they would have tried for a more definitive ending since the show isn't the type that would get renewed.


All episodes were filmed before any of them aired so they had no idea how it would do in the ratings. I don't really even see this as a cliffhanger. In the case of a 2nd season, they had to set up a reason for the Scooby Doo gang to still be on the river after finding Emmet.

Lincoln's demon-possessed contortionism freaked me the hell out. I wonder if they cast Joe Anderson for that skill. What he lacks in acting and accent ability he makes up for in double-jointedness.

At first I was like, come on Tess, when is it ever a good idea to resurrect somebody via seance? But maybe she figured hey, the old Lincoln was just the worst - how bad could a demon-possessed Lincoln be?

As it turns out, not entirely bad. Lincoln could use a little of that demon's assertiveness. In one fell swoop that demon managed to avenge Lincoln's death, make a move on Lena, expose his mom's affair, and motivate his dad to care about him. I mean, now that they found Emmet it was time for all the issues to bubble to the surface right? What better for a little season finale catharsis than a good old fashioned exorcism?

I really enjoyed this episode. It had me riveted the whole hour, and it was way better than last week's mess.

Edited by 2legit, Mar 21, 2012 @ 10:53 AM.


#326

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Posted Mar 21, 2012 @ 8:10 AM

Did I shave my legs for this?

The action/suspense was good throughout, but as far as answers, we got bupkus.

#327

HerRoyalHighnes

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Posted Mar 21, 2012 @ 8:11 AM

oops

Edited by HerRoyalHighnes, Mar 21, 2012 @ 8:44 AM.


#328

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Posted Mar 21, 2012 @ 8:25 AM

I can deal with the ending. The notion of this band of bozos forever cruising the Amazon looking for an exit is a fine way to fade out. But if the ratings were not completely abysmal ABC could make a 2 hour movie to wrap things up.

I cannot really imagine a 22 episode season with 8 or so characters on the same boat enduring a new supernatural crisis week after week. (But now that I think about it, demon gator , amazon anaconda and cursed pirate treasure could be cool..)

When BlackSnake!Lincoln was literally writhing on the table in all sorts of gross contortionist shapes, we kept yelling at the TV "strap him down tighter!" At least for the sake of Lincoln's spine. You know he was going to be sore the next day..

And since they will probably not get another season, I suppose the producers will never get to fix any of the shows problems - such as the cinema verite camera shots. The use of 'lost footage' camcorder shots only works in movies. When they switch to the regular camera shots, the 'secret' camera stuff seems pointless.
They could have made it more interesting if things found in the camera footage didn't match up with what they remembered doing.

Edited by Homo_Sapien, Mar 21, 2012 @ 9:16 AM.


#329

hjohnson

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Posted Mar 21, 2012 @ 8:25 AM

All I could think when Lincoln was thrashing around, tied to the table, was, man, that's a neck injury waiting to happen

For real, I thought for sure he'd come back paralyzed. But I did just watch The Fourth Kind the other day...

When Not!Lincoln snapped Jonas neck I gasped for the first time this entire season.

The gross thing is I don't think he snapped it. It looked like he punched a hole in it or swiped his jugular or something. There was blood and gurgling at least...

#330

maczero

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Posted Mar 21, 2012 @ 10:08 AM

I'm going to miss the show but I think the last ep works perfectly as a series finale. They couldn't do a supernatural threat of the week and keep it interesting for a full season.