157 replies to this topic

[TheGreaterFool]

It might be too soon for this, but it was so much fun on the Battlestar Galactica boards I figure we can give it a go.

The idea is based on the Skippy List, written by a practical joker in the U.S. Army stationed overseas. As the story goes, he’d do something outrageous, the brass would reprimand him for it, and he’d add it to the list of things he was no longer allowed to do.

I imagine there’s at least one man stationed at the Wall who’s just like Skippy -- keeping himself amused with pranks and schemes. Since the Wall can’t spare any men, all anyone can do is tell him to knock it off.

So, what has he done? Let’s keep a running count!

1. I am no longer allowed to shove snowballs down the backs of my fellow Nightswatch men and exclaim, “I am the Snow Bastard!”

2. I am no longer allowed to build snowmen to take my place for lookout duty, even if they’d be just as effective as me.

3. I am no longer allowed to mention that Tyrion looks like the lovechild of Jaime and Cersei.

4. I am no longer allowed to encourage new recruits to taste The Wall.
* And I am to apologize for what happened to that poor fellow’s tongue

5. White Walkers are scary creatures that live north of The Wall and haven’t been seen in centuries. They are *NOT* noblemen and women from the South, and I am to stop raising the alarm whenever I see them.

[fallingfortruth]

6. I am no longer allowed to give seminars to new recruits on what you can do in the brothel (or the barracks!) that won't beget bastards.

[Sad Doctor]

7. I am not allowed to tell the new recruits that that yellow part of the wall is lemon-flavored.

[TudorQueen]

8. I am not allowed to organize a dwarf-tossing league.

[LargeRedHerring]

9. I am no longer allowed to instruct my dire wolf to clean the armory for me. He never does a very good job.

10. I am no longer allowed to stand on the top of the wall and yell "avalanche" whilst throwing snowballs at my companions below.

11. The wall is not a public toilet.

12. I am not allowed to proclaim that the celibacy rule is more of a "guideline".

[Darmys]

13. I am no longer allowed to tell new recruits that "Digging for buried treasure" means extending the worm tunnels because they've been known to contain gold.

[KatieJo]

14. My padded vests are for training, not for sledding through the castle grounds.

[Lily Patil]

15. I will never again flood the tunnel and use it for a pick-up hockey game.

16. I am no longer allowed to sniff Jon Snow's neck and tell him that he smells like blackberry jam.
* Or that he would be delicious with Hollandaise.
** Even if Ser Alliser said it first.

17. I will never again attach a keg full of brandy to the neck of Jon Snow's wolf and send him after missing Brothers.

18. I will never again attach a pork chop to Samwell Tarly's neck when Jon Snow's wolf is in the vicinity.
* That went very badly.

[Lady V]

19. I am no longer allowed to use the Maester's books as toilet paper.

20. Frozen sculptures made of arching filigree-like pee are no longer to be given as birthday presents. Especially in a room with a fire.

21. I must stop work immediately on the escape tunnel to Dorne.

Edited by Lady V, May 11, 2011 @ 9:03 PM.

[irishmaple]

22. I am no longer allowed to resort to cannibalism when the cook burns dinner.

23. I am no longer allowed to greet my friends with the words "Cold enough for ya?"

[KatieJo]

24. It is not an acceptable hazing activity to douse the new recruits with water and try to freeze them to the edge of the wall.

25. I will no longer use the mess hall as a base of production for the "Great Whores of Winterfell" calendar.
*In fact, any and all activities related to this project shall cease and desist.
**Drawings for this project shall be left in the officers' barracks immediately. For safe keeping.

Edited by KatieJo, May 11, 2011 @ 9:57 PM.

[Lady V]

26. I will never again jam the winch when the lift is halfway up the wall.

27. I must remove all posters advertising blow jobs from Allister Thorne at 2 coppers per comer, as a Thursday special

[Lily Patil]

28. I will stop telling new recruits that the beach volleyball game is "Just over yonder, t'other side o' that big Wildling camp."

Edited by Lily Patil, May 11, 2011 @ 9:53 PM.

[emjay1116]

29. I will stop asking my brothers if they've bled yet.
(Come on, everybody else in Westeros asks questions about it, it's only a matter of time before it gets to the Wall too.)

[irishmaple]

30. I am no longer allowed to use "the direwolf ate my homework" as an excuse.

31. I am no longer allowed to refer to First Ranger Benjen Stark as Captain Obvious.
*Winter Is Coming? Really? You think?

[sionprincess]

32. I am no longer allowed to teach Maester Aemon's ravens dirty words.

[Sad Doctor]

33. Just because we're in the snowy north does not make us Canadian
33.a. Nowhere in the vow of the night's watch is the word 'eh'
33.b. The vow is still valid even if not repeated in French
33.c. I am not to refer to the white walkers as 'Hosers'

[Moya the Leviathan]

34. I am not to declare that "orange is the new black" to the requisition department
35. I may not accessorize my brothers' capes with my bedazzler
36. Unless I want my sigl to be a crosshairs, I am not to starch Ser Mallister's smallclothes any more

[Critical Geek]

37. Weirwood trees are not for firewood.
38. The lift is not a barracks.
39. Pissing off the edge of the wall is not to be done when Ranging parties are scheduled to leave.
40. I am no longer allowed to inquire from which whore the cook acquired East watch crabs.

[irishmaple]

41. I am no longer allowed to entice recruits northward with false advertising.
*There are no steamy hot baths and steamy hot Dothraki handmaidens at the Wall.

42. New rule: The Wall; you break it, you buy it.

[TheGreaterFool]

43: I am no longer allowed to lean out on top of the Wall and shout, "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!"
* Also out: shouting "I'm not king of the world."

44. No longer allowed to tell new recruits that the elevator is for officers only, and everyone else has to climb the wall for watch duty.

45. Claiming that I thought it was a vow to "Sell a Busey" does not invalidate my vow of celibacy.

[Lyri]

46. My direwolf is NOT a "white walker," and I am never again to run into the hall shouting that "a white walker is coming!"

47. Apparently all "Attack Drills" involving the use of the Horn must be cleared by an officer.

48. I am not allowed to refer to dinner as "biological warfare."

49. Throwing Stag Parties in the soldiers barracks is NOT considered an acceptable way to "honor the king."

50. Especially if we fail to invite the officers.

[Kalamity Kat]

51. I am not to sneak my brothers into the local brothel and then shout the instructions, "Stick them with the pointy end!"

[FoolishWanderer]

52. Not allowed to confuse people by blowing the horn four times.

[Complex77]

53. Not allowed to paint animals.
* "But Ghost is a dyerwolf, and he DID join the Black, Jon!"

Edited by Complex77, May 19, 2011 @ 8:57 AM.

[Vanilla Siren]

54. I am no longer allowed to suggest we serve dyerwolf for dinner.

[TheGreaterFool]

55. I am to immediately stop work on my play, "Dyrewolf of a Mad Blackwatch Man"

56. Also not allowed to put on my musical, "Westeros Story"
* And don't even hum its show-stopping number, "When You're a Stark"

57. The outhouse is not the home of the "true" Iron Throne, and I am to remove all the scraps of iron I welded to it before the next Brother finds himself stuck.

[Valaryaz]

58. I am no longer allowed to say that I had my fingers crossed when I "said the words."

59. I am no longer allowed to point out to the newbies that if they put off "saying the words" there is still a chance for escape without the risk of being beheaded.

60. I am no longer to bitch that if I hadn't "said the words" they would have sent me back to be executed for something I didn't do, so of course I didn't really "vow" in my heart just with my mouth.

61. I am no longer to mutter "coercion" or "brainwashing" at the vow ceremonies, or to shout, "Dance little puppets, DANCE!"

[Lyri]

62. I may no longer refer to Samwell Tarly as "the other white meat."

[irishmaple]

63. I am no longer allowed to request a champion to take my place during training fights.