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The Vampire Diaries Quotes: "Full-Grown Alpha Male Douche Bag"


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#331

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Jan 24, 2014 @ 6:37 AM

Matt: Who spends two years pining after a girl to dump her?
Damon: I can hear you, dumbass.

Damon: Okay, I'll say it. I miss Klaus. I mean, the way this guy used to torture you - sword in the daddy.

Katherine: Is this the "we're not so different, you and I" doppelganger speech? Because I'd be happy to skip it.

 

But by far the best quote from this episode was when everyone was naming all the crap Katherine has done:

 

Damon: Rule #1 - think of the worst thing Katherine Pierce has ever done to you. Rule #2 - toast to the glory of her impending death. Rule #3 - if you come across something that's worse, which you will, repeat rules 1 and 2. She pretended to be buried in a tomb for 145 years while I waited for her lying ass. Wait, does that beat pretending to be Elena and kissing me on the front porch of your old house?

Jeremy: I don't think so. She fed me to Silas and I died. Then she made me crash my car into a pole and left me for dead. Again.

Matt: My sister's dead because of her.

Damon: Yes, she is because I wouldn't have even been in town to turn Vicky into a murderous vampire if I wasn't trying to get Katherine out of a tomb she wasn't in. Group shot.

Elena: She impersonated me repeatedly. She made Aunt Jenna stab herself in the stomach and cut off Uncle John's fingers.

Jeremy: He might have deserved that.

Bonnie: My Grams died trying to close a tomb she wasn't in.

Caroline: Tyler's werewolf curse got triggered cause of her.

Elena: Klaus followed her to Mystic Falls and because of that we lost Jenna.

Damon: And Alaric.

Elena: She tried to kill me at least twice.

Caroline: She DID kill me. Although I'm weirdly better off.

Damon: Rumor has it she burnt down the entire city of Atlanta once.

Jeremy: That might win.

Stefan: Knock it off or take it somewhere else. You guys are being insensitive.

Damon: Don't let the sight of a frail human Elena lookalike cloud your memories of the manipulative psycho that she is.

Stefan: 1864, Katherine moved into my home, she compelled me to love her, seduced my brother, fed us full of vampire blood, and then started a war with the town that got us killed.

Damon: Exactly! Bottoms up!

 

Damon: One night of hot sex with her and you're brainwashed?

Elena: What?

Bonnie: What?

Caroline: Oh my. I forgot to tell you! You were kidnapped and hostaged and..

Damon: Nadia, the devli's spawn. Hey, Carolline, did you remember to tell Elena that?

Caroline: D'oh!

Elena: I think my mind just exploded.


Edited by ElectricBoogalo, Jan 24, 2014 @ 7:21 AM.

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#332

kcblue86

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Posted Jan 30, 2014 @ 9:00 PM

Katherine: Who do I love more Bonnie or Caroline? Please say Caroline.

 

Damon: You once said that calling me Satan was an insult to Satan.

 

Damon: I'm just curious. Do you ask all your friends to prove their loyalty by killing someone over drinks?


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#333

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Feb 4, 2014 @ 3:49 AM

Damon: Quit giving me that damn pouty face.
Stefan: I'm not giving you the pouty face. This is my "you're being a dick" face.

Mia: It took you long enough.
Katherine as Elena: I was pretending to care. It was very time consuming.

 

Katherine: Cold, manipulative, good hair. You really are my daughter.


Edited by ElectricBoogalo, Feb 4, 2014 @ 3:57 AM.

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#334

leopard9

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Posted Feb 4, 2014 @ 12:56 PM

Matt: No to the dress, yes to the shoes.

 

Well look who's got layers!


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#335

mac123x

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Posted Feb 6, 2014 @ 10:24 PM

Tyler:  ...and I have to pee!

Nadia:  Hybrids pee?

Matt:  There's a fire hydrant joke in there somewhere


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#336

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Feb 7, 2014 @ 5:33 AM

Stefan: Come on, Damon. You're better than this.
Damon: On the contrary, brother. I'm better like this.

 

Stefan: You know what makes somebody walk a straight line? When they have no choice but to be the balance for somebody who's about to fall off the edge.

Enzo: Ah, but it's so much more fun when you can just commit to the leap.

 

Matt: That's Katherine's daughter and the psycho doesn't fall far from the tree.

Nadia: I can hear you, you know.

 

Damon: I tutor some kids in calculus, you know.  I mean, I like giving back, be a good role model. KIDDING! I'm here to kidnap your boyfriend.

 

Bonnie: [Elena] would kill you.

Damon: Cool. And then me and all her doppelgangers can start a baseball team on the other side.

 

Katherine as Elena: Hypothetical question: if Jeremy Gilbert's life was hanging by a thread, could I credibly just let him die? Because his death would be really convenient for me.

Nadia: Are you seriously making a pros and cons list?

Katherine: Are there any cons? Because I've only listed pros.


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#337

Cindy McLennan

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Posted Feb 12, 2014 @ 6:17 PM

Damon: Cool. And then me and all her doppelgangers can start a baseball team on the other side.

 

That was a really good line. I didn't quote it in the recap, because I'm still miffed at Damon.


Edited by Cindy McLennan, Feb 12, 2014 @ 6:18 PM.


#338

kcblue86

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Posted Feb 16, 2014 @ 2:49 PM

Damon: Cool. And then me and all her doppelgangers can start a baseball team on the other side.

 

Personally, I loved the part just before that.

 

Jeremy: You're not gonna hurt me. Elena would -

Damon: Elena would what? Hurt me? Dump me? Been there, done that, wrote the country song.

 

And suddenly, I'm reminded of Damon's unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift.


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#339

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Feb 28, 2014 @ 5:05 AM

Caroline: It's time that we move into the next phase of our post-breakup pre-friendship relationship timeline.

Nadia: Relax. I'm not going to syrup you to death. What's canoodling?

Damon: It's the obnoxious theme song of the travellers.

Dr. Wes: As a man of science, I always considered magic a cheat. Turns out, I cheat.

Katherine as Elena: [I'll have] whatever you're having but with a lot more salt and maybe covered in chocolate.

Enzo: Calmer heads will always prevail.

Enzo: So my life is not worth your pride?

Damon: They're not going to let us out of here until I kill you. Or you kill me.
Enzo: Don't be dramatic.

Enzo: [Damon]'s here, salivating, about to chomp into my neck and feed until my head pops off in a grotesque but slightly comical fashion.
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#340

RachelKM

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Posted Feb 28, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

 

 

Damon: They're not going to let us out of here until I kill you. Or you kill me.
Enzo: Don't be dramatic.

This cracked me up.  I love that Enzo called Damon out for being a big ol' drama queen.  Bit of a pot and kettle on that one, but it's totally true.


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#341

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Feb 28, 2014 @ 8:15 PM

Ha, I know! As soon as Enzo said that, I thought come on, have you met Damon? He's not capable of NOT being dramatic. I want Enzo to stick around just for his hilarious conversations with Damon.
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#342

Dimiter

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Posted Feb 28, 2014 @ 8:39 PM

Caroline: You are not turning Damon’s roosting chickens into a Stefan Salvatore guilt trip.


Always a good advice.
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#343

CaughtOnTape

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Posted Mar 7, 2014 @ 9:59 AM

Not word for word but I laughed when he said it.

 

When Damon doubted Caroline and the math.

 

Stefan:  Relax, she had a calculator.


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#344

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Mar 15, 2014 @ 4:51 AM

Nadia: Did you ask Klaus for his blood?
Katherine: Oh my, you really are delirious.

Nadia: If I had known I just had to die to drag your attention from Stefan, I would have tried it a long time ago.

Stefan: Our friend Caroline did a little bit of math-
Damon: Caroline?
Stefan: Relax, she had a calculator.

Katherine: I didn't raise you to be a quitter.

Bonnie: We need you to find his sister.
Liv: Why? She run away from home?
Jeremy: No, she's been possessed by her evil doppelganger.
Liv: ...Okay.

Damon: Why are you still here?
Tyler: I'm a hybrid and you need a babysitter.
Damon: No, no, I mean here here, in Mystic Falls here. I mean, your family's all dead and I don't see you getting a job at the Grille. And yet I don't see you in a Whitmore hoodie either. Something tells me that there's a little masochistic voice inside your head that's trying to convince you that you and Caroline still have a fighting chance in hell.
 


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#345

kcblue86

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Posted Mar 20, 2014 @ 8:00 PM

Damon: Killed ya once, Gilbert, I'll kill ya again.

 

I don't remember the character's name but...

"I'm gay and your brother, so technically, you're the least attractive person in the world to me."


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#346

RachelKM

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Posted Mar 21, 2014 @ 3:25 AM

 

 

"I'm gay and your brother, so technically, you're the least attractive person in the world to me."

I thought it was a bit clunky both in phrasing and delivery.  I think it was the use of the term "technically" that bothered me.  It was just awkward.  It just came across as an unnatural.  Maybe it it had been, "That wouldn't have gone well for me either.  I'm gay.. and you're brother.  There is literally no one on the planet I want to see naked less."  Or am I just imposing my own preferred speech patterns on the writing.


Edited by RachelKM, Mar 21, 2014 @ 3:26 AM.

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#347

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Mar 21, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

Enzo: I'm Enzo.
Caroline: The Enzo.
Enzo: No, the other one.... Damon mentioned you get a little judgey.

Elena: What else did I miss?
Damon: it's been unseasonably cold. Jeremy bought a bunch of new Xbox games that are ridiculously loud and obnoxious. Tyler had a party. It was lame. Ooh ooh ooh ooh, did you hear the gossip? Caroline and an original hybrid sitting in a tree.

Stefan: Rebekah, hi.
Caroline: Omigawd.
Stefan: Kidding. Lexie, right?


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#348

RachelKM

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Posted Mar 28, 2014 @ 1:03 AM

Liv: Turns out Elena's friends are right.  The world actually does revolve around her.


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#349

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Mar 28, 2014 @ 3:53 AM

Enzo: Atlanta Assassination Squad. How may we be of service?

Damon: Tyler Lockwood's now a life coach despite running his own life into the ground.

Liv: Bottle of gin and let me see you break the seal. What can I say? I got issues.
Damon: Well, pull up a chair, girl, and talk to the professionals. Just make sure to talk slow and use small words.
Liv: Never. Ever.

Enzo: Modern women - all bosom, no mystery. Present company excluded.
Caroline: Dear God, please don't tell me that I'm the real reason that you're here.
Enzo: Why not? From Damon tells me, I am your type: well traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals.
Caroline: Arrogant, tactless, completely unable to take a hint.
Enzo: Precisely.

Damon: I saw [Liv] and Jeremy sharing a top shelf bottle of inhibition killer at the Grille this morning.
Elena: Jeremy wouldn't [cheat on] Bonnie.
Damon: Need I remind you he once had an affair with a ghost? The only thing that was missing was a sappy love song and a pottery wheel.

Enzo: Seventy years in a cage, you think I'd learn to pick a lock by now.

Damon: Little tip: if you're gonna show up to kill someone, don't waste time feeling bad about it.

Damon: You do not get to tell me what to do anymore. We broke up.
Elena: This is exactly why we broke up. Please tell me you understand that.
Liv: Oh my GOD, just kill me already.

Luke: Who are you?
Matt: Friends of Jeremy and Elena.
Tyler: Even Damon. Sometimes.


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#350

Cindy McLennan

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Posted Mar 28, 2014 @ 5:21 AM

ElectricBoogalo, you have sustained this thread. Thank you. <3



#351

ElectricBoogalo

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Posted Apr 18, 2014 @ 6:24 AM

Liv: So much testosterone, so few brain cells.
 

Caroline: You know how we all laughed off the notion that the universe was drawing Stefan and Elena together? Well, that's happening.

 

Enzo: You know what she's not telling you. Somebody's having sex dreams!
 
Liv: It's not what it looks like. Jeremy hired me to help him with math.
Bonnie: Right. Was that before or after you lied to my face and tried to kill his sister?
 
Enzo: Hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios.
 
Damon: So...sex dreams about my brother?
Elena: Wow, okay, that's definitely one way to change the subject.

Damon: We're all good on bibles, thanks.
 
Damon: Liv has a twin? Is it possible for there just to be one of someone around here?
 
Damon: What do you mean you can't stop their visions?
Luke: Our magic doesn't work like that. We're not bigger than the universe.
Damon: Then why are you in my house?
Luke: Their leader Markos is here.

Damon: From where? Chant camp?

Elena: Perfect. A dead old guy with a mysterious evil plan. I'll take that drink now.
 
Enzo: Break out the popcorn, blondie. Elena's little sex romp isn't over yet.
 
Elena: What are you doing out here?
Damon: Oh, you know. Looking at the stars. listening to the universe laugh at me.
 
Enzo: I wonder if this is where Stefan and Elena had crazy vision sex. It was probably the bedroom. Stefan's pretty vanilla. But apparently that's Elena's favorite flavor.
Damon: I'm going to staple your tongue to your chin.
Markos: Not in my house, please.
Damon: Markos, I take it. Well, I'm not Stefan and this is not Elena.
 
Markos: Mystic Falls is a beautiful town.
Damon: Oh yeah, picket fences, block parties, uncannily high death rate.
 
Stefan: I got your aunt Jenna a wine of the month thing. Do you think she'll like that?
Elena: The only thing I think she would have liked more would have been a wine of the day thing.
 
Stefan: Everybody loves a biter!
 
Stefan: I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don't think you can be both.
 
Kol: Not to be insensitive, but she was already dead.

Jeremy: I just realized you're the only person in this office the sheriff hasn't killed.
 
Damon: I think we need some rules here because if I'm not allowed to drive you home, then I definitely don't think you're allowed to ambush me in my bedroom.

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