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11-7: "Fry Fest" 2008.07.19


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#91

lillybee

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Posted May 7, 2011 @ 1:47 AM

Any canned fruit pie filling is in itself god awful. How hard is it to slice fresh strawberries and sugar them and use it in a dessert?

#92

ragstoriches

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Posted May 7, 2011 @ 10:52 AM

But that kind of monkey business would take days, weeks, maybe months of hard, backbreaking labor! Why put yourself through that when you can simply open a can of pie filling and Cool Whip, add vanilla extract or whatever to make it taste homemade, and end up with a super super simple dessert for which you can take ALLLLL the credit?

I would probably (if I had a gun to my head) choose the parfait, although I have a feeling it would overpower even my sweet tooth. However, it does have the advantage of not resembling a horrible skin disease.

Edited by ragstoriches, May 7, 2011 @ 11:51 AM.


#93

orchidgal

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Posted May 7, 2011 @ 6:25 PM

But that kind of monkey business would take days, weeks, maybe months of hard, backbreaking labor! Why put yourself through that when you can simply open a can of pie filling and Cool Whip, add vanilla extract or whatever to make it taste homemade, and end up with a super super simple dessert for which you can take ALLLLL the credit?

Gasp! ragstoriches, you have managed to unravel the mystery behind Aunt Sandy's mad ramblings on Semi-Ho saving you time and money. Bless you.

#94

SnarklePuss

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Posted May 8, 2011 @ 12:22 AM

But that kind of monkey business would take days, weeks, maybe months of hard, backbreaking labor! Why put yourself through that when you can simply open a can of pie filling and Cool Whip, add vanilla extract or whatever to make it taste homemade, and end up with a super super simple dessert for which you can take ALLLLL the credit?

Sounds to me like someone's ready for her own show on Food Network!

#95

ragstoriches

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Posted May 8, 2011 @ 3:05 PM

Yes, why am I sitting here when I could be making millions by going on the Food Network and showing people how to open cans and make cake from a boxed mix?

Unfortunately, I don't drink, I don't do tablescapes, and I can't roll my L's nearly as well as she does.

#96

ragstoriches

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Posted Apr 19, 2012 @ 9:06 PM

Double-posting doesn't count when it's been months between posts, right? ;)

Today SLop promises a bunch of fried crap (OK, actually only a couple of them are fried, but that's her theme, dammit! At least for the first half of the show or so anyway), along with a tablescape to go with her menu, which is...apples? Fried food=apples? I dunno...did Sandy have fried apples or something and made that connection as only a booze-addled brain can? I can't figure this one out.

I also can't figure out why there's a giant red "LOVE" sitting above SLop's sink in the background.

Sandy advises using low-sodium canned beef broth because you can always add more seasoning but can't take it out. Yes, this is the same woman who uses sodium-laden seasoning packets on everything. Why did you want to know?

Sandy's using REAL bacon bits on her collard greens! *cough* So it's probably all authentic and stuff. I guess.

"If you don't wanna use fresh collard greens cuz this took 45 minutes simmering away, you wanna use canned." No, I don't "wanna" use canned, SLop, thank you very much. Why the hell would I want nasty canned collard greens? Because letting the fresh ones simmer for 45 minutes is too much work? If I was that pressed for time, I just wouldn't make them.

I love how reluctant she sounded when she admitted that fresh sometimes is better, I suppose, if you absolutely must...

Sandy says her seafood seasoning will last her a lifetime. OK, let's assume SLop lives to a ripe old age (and still cooking, God forbid). Do you want to eat something seasoned with 40- or 50-year-old seafood seasoning? Although if you use it in "all sorts of fin-tastic things!", how long can it really last?

Why did SLop feel the need to tell us we can find the crab in the seafood section of the regular groshry store? Have her Fandras been looking for it in the bakery section or something?

"Before I put my crab cakes INto the hot oil, I want to pre-make them." You mean as opposed to dumping the whole bowl in there at once? Wow, she must be the smartest thing on the block. Except...is it me or did Sandy's statement sound wrong somehow? Maybe it's her insistence on sticking "pre" ONto everything?

And INto the hot oil they go! WHOOT! I cringed when she practically stuck her fingers INto the hot oil. Maybe that's why she whooted. I guess you found out hot oil is pretty darn hot, right Sandy?

"You can discard (the oil) later on, whatever you want." I think I'll just let it sit on the counter for eternity.

Sandy has to be lying about carrying tartar sauce in her bag wherever she goes. Right? I mean, that is just...Ugh. For one thing, it's weird, and more importantly, I don't even want to think about how rancid it would get after spending so much time in her warm bag. Blech.

The beauty of Semi-Homemade is it doesn't have to be exact to be brilliant? Ummm, errr...geez, somebody else figure that one out, OK?

Maybe it's just because I rarely eat tartar sauce (I prefer to add just lemon or nothing at all), and in any case I prefer it to be very simple, but Sandy's embellisment of the tartar sauce (I refuse to give her ALLLL the credit since the actual tartar sauce wasn't hers) was just way too much. And added to the crab cakes...who really needs that much fllllavor? Well, I guess if your tastebuds are screwed up...

I don't know why her camera crew felt the need to show an extreme closeup of her orgasm when she tasted the crab cake. My mind went straight to the gutter when they did that, and it wasn't pretty.

No, Sandy! Use cornmeal for the catfish! Just because cornmeal and corn muffin mix both have "corn" in their names...awww, forget it.

"...just send them on their sweet li'l way." Geez, who talks like that?

Damn, that crusty exterior was just falling off the catfish, wasn't it? I'm sure SLop would explain that away by saying it looks homemade that way or some crap like that.

I'd be more worried your ability to eat that huge sandwich, SLoppy, rather than cutting it. Oh well, I do appreciate your not wanting to take a bite in front of us and therefore sparing us from having to watch you dribble everything ONto your clothes, but I'm guessing you're not planning on eating that sandwich alone, judging by the fact that you set up a tablescape and placecards. Oh well, maybe your imaginary guests won't mind.

The can of nasty strawburry slop has "all the sweetness you could want!" That kind of makes the necessity for all those other sweet ingredients kind of dubious, doesn't it?

Sheesh, I like sweet things and all, but even I have my limits. I needed a shot of insulin after watching her make that thing, and I'm not even diabetic.

"A big, big spoon" just to take out a teeny bit of ice cream? Not that I blame her for not wanting to eat too big of a bite of that sugar bomb. And why on earth did those walnuts have to be candied? Was the combination of the other ingredients somehow not sweet enough?

Cocktail Time! Sandy's change of theme from fried food to apples has already taken place by now. She makes an "Apple-Tart-Tini" (groan), which is basically a bunch of booze and non-booze mixed together and gernished with an apple slice. I don't think I've ever seen an apple slice that looked like that.

"Yaaaay, taste test time!" She's a lush and she's proud of it!

Time for her, ummm, applescape. That's all there are. Apples, apples everywhere. I kind of hope those apples are real so her "guests" can have something edible to eat, although I guess even the wax kind is more edible than the majority of Sandy's concoctions.

I did kind of like the candles though. Do I have to turn in my shrike card now?

Edited by ragstoriches, Apr 19, 2012 @ 9:17 PM.