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Ali Lohan: The Oldest-Looking Teen in History


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#1

orangepenguin

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Posted May 27, 2008 @ 4:19 PM

Talk about Lindsay's little sister here. Remember, if you want her autograph, you will have to wait in line like everybo-..one else.

#2

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Posted May 28, 2008 @ 1:46 AM

Seriously, why does Ali look so old? Paradoxically, she looked a little softer and younger when buried in a ton of makeup, but barefaced her features look older than her mother's.

I think it's because she has what Rich of fourfour called Kimberley ANTM Cycle 10's "old lady mouth", plus a drooping nose and uptilted chin. Like a toothless old lady or Halloween witch.

#3

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Posted May 28, 2008 @ 6:51 AM

I used to think she was adorable. I also thought when she grew up she would outshine her haggard sister. But then she discovered makeup.

Poor thing - this show has bad bad BAD idea written all over it. (Honestly, I don't really blame her. I blame her mother. She really doesn't have the maturity to understand how this show will be perceived and how it will impact her career.) If she wants to sing, fine. But why not front a band? (And NOT call it Ali Lohan.) I would have much more respect for her if she were trying to emulate Gwen Stefani. Grow up - join a band - then consider going solo.

#4

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Posted May 28, 2008 @ 7:27 AM

If she wants to sing, fine. But why not front a band? (And NOT call it Ali Lohan.) I would have much more respect for her if she were trying to emulate Gwen Stefani. Grow up - join a band - then consider going solo.


That's because she does not want to do the actual work that will result in fame, she just wants the fast track there. Mommy forgot to instill a work ethic instead of shallow dreams of rewards without effort.

#5

GinaRomantica

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Posted May 28, 2008 @ 7:49 AM

She looks odd because she looks exactly like her father.

In a way she is such a typical 14-year-old -- grouchy, quick to blame an adult for anything that doesn't go her way, stubborn about what she likes and doesn't like ("I like hiphop"), depends on her friends for validation ("me and my friends all listen to hiphop"), worried about fitting in ("I know that's weird, that we like hiphop").

But yuck, where is the parenting? In the preview for next week, Dina says to Germy (Jeremy), "She wlll confront you. That's how I raised her." She's being trained to be defensive, mean, and untrusting. No wonder she sits on her mother's assistant's lap. That girl is probably the closest thing she has to a friend.

Oh, the autograph seekers -- they saw a camera crew and figured someone faymiss was in the house. They didn't care who it was.

#6

mrsmonroe

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Posted May 28, 2008 @ 5:15 PM

I think it's because she has what Rich of fourfour called Kimberley ANTM Cycle 10's "old lady mouth", plus a drooping nose and uptilted chin. Like a toothless old lady or Halloween witch.


The first thing I noticed about this poor girl was the "old lady mouth". I think she also has a sort of odd way of speaking in which she pulls the corners of her mouth downwards which really doesn't help her mouth look like it's NOT 75 years old. The Halloween witch thing is kind of accurate. I'm not one to say that sort of thing about a kid but man. Her mother needs to march that kid into the bathroom and wash all that makeup off her face and let her know that a 14 year old does not a full face of makeup that not only ages her terribly but makes her look like a stripper.

If this kid wants a serious singing career, she needs to have a legitimate producer and not that Jeremy idiot who is clearly a nobody and has no career, clout, or credibility. I was actually fairly impressed with her voice, from the little that we heard. As someone else mentioned, it's pretty obvious that she does not want to put in the back-breaking hours and blood, sweat, and tears that it requires to have a successful musical career. She wants Mommy to shoot her ass up to the stars for her but unfortunately Mommy doesn't seem to have a clue as to what she is doing.

#7

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Posted May 29, 2008 @ 3:44 AM

If this kid wants a serious singing career, she needs to have a legitimate producer and not that Jeremy idiot who is clearly a nobody and has no career, clout, or credibility.


Yeah, I wondered about that. Lindsay has a record company, Ali has already released a song (don't know with) but surely the name Lohan has a little more clout than to get a "producer" Dina found on the internet whom the show can do more for him than the other way around. Unless she's already shopped Ali to all legit companies/producers and they said no thanks.

It is patently obvious that this is the last desperate attempt to launch a tabloid "career" for Ali, since she's failed to get any actual roles. Though I'm surprised Disney or Nickolodeon didn't give her a show, since it worked well for Mini Spears for a few years.

#8

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Posted May 29, 2008 @ 12:37 PM

Unless she's already shopped Ali to all legit companies/producers and they said no thanks.


That's what I am thinking. Most big producers can smell a bomb a mile away and will stay the hell away from it. That kid's album will probably sell even worse than Lindsay's did. Ali just doesn't have that likeability that young girls relate to--and buy records because of. Ali is the kind of girl that other girls her age can't stand. She comes across as snotty, arrogant, spoiled and lazy. A little humble pie would do this kid good.

#9

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Posted May 29, 2008 @ 4:46 PM

OMG Magog...this is the funniest sheeet I have seen in a long time!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rGv4-jbccSQ Ali Lohan-Christmas Magic

I have tears running down my face...here are my thoughts:

1. Why does the camera keep blurring out close ups for her? Wasn't that a premise for this weeks show that the tabloid sex tape couldn't have been Lindsey because the picture was blurred. Maybe Momager will claim that the craptastic Christmas Magic video isn't Ali now.

2. Where in the hell did they find my gold lame' homecoming dress from Sophmore year? Rock on Ali, 1986 was super cool, bring back the spiral perm, Tretorn tennis shoes and roll your jeans!

3. I was having flashbacks to Happy Gilmore at the end of the movie when Chubs, the Crocodile and Abraham Lincoln are floating up in heaven. That was all I could think of when the craptastic snowman and freaky reindeer appeared out of nowhere at the end of the video! Where the hell did they come from? I assume the intent was to give Ali a youthful appearance, but the look on her face was that of a 40 year old cocktail waitress confused on how she wound up in some grandma's basement with their crappy old Christmas decorations!


I couldn't get enough...I will definately watch any further video's...obviously Christmas Magic was a song Ali "could believe in..." most excellent choice! Dina, girl stop getting your advice/producers/song recommendations off instant messenger!

#10

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Posted May 30, 2008 @ 12:50 PM

Though I'm surprised Disney or Nickolodeon didn't give her a show, since it worked well for Mini Spears for a few years.

Yeah. I know Lindsey did stuff for Disney. It'd seem plausible that Dina Lohan would go to the place that helped really launch her other daughter's young career. They have a host of crappy shows on The Disney Channel. Ali wouldn't be out of place. They could have her star in a show about a teenage girl whose big sister is famous. Or mother is famous. Or whatever. Sort of a reverse Hannah Montana. And Lindsey could guest star on that once a season, because it wouldn't be as heinous for her career as showing up on an E! reality show. It's not exactly brain surgery. Those shows tend to be pretty sucky anyway. As long as they market them correctly, they'll make money. Maybe Dina tried to go the Disney route but they felt the name Lohan wasn't wholesome enough. With one daughter going down the tubes and the rest of the tween princesses either pregnant or posing half naked for Vanity Fair, you'd think the "Long Island Mother of the Year" would be more careful.

#11

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Posted May 31, 2008 @ 1:35 AM

Although I think Ali does look older than her age, I don't think she looks middle aged. She just seems like a young teenager trying to grow up before her time. The make up, imo, makes her look like an eighteen year old hooker.

I kind of don't want to admit this, but I think Ali Lohan is really pretty. Does anyone agree? She looks alot like her old sister and role model Lindsay. Although no one should emulate Lindsay, she is attractive (or rather WAS attractive).

#12

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Posted May 31, 2008 @ 3:48 PM

I definitely don't think she's pretty-- bird nose, geriatric mouth, and the caked on makeup? No thanks. How in the hell is this girl signed to Ford Modeling Agency? I would really like to know.

I thought it was semi-sad/a little pathetic when Ali admitted that since she could remember, she's been following in Lindsay's footsteps-- dressing like her, acting like her, etc. Clearly the mother encourages this behaviour, but I don't think there's any limit to it, especially since Lindsay is now 21, and Ali seems to want to dress/act/look like one. Her life is going to be a disaster, if this keeps up.

#13

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Posted Jun 2, 2008 @ 1:47 AM

Lindsay was adorable. I only saw her in The Parent Trap, but she got good reviews for a couple of others.

Then she grew up and became an obnoxious, distressing slut.

Ali is not adorable. End of story, really. Where Lindsay was cute and fresh, Ali is already bored, arrogant, entitled, and old-looking. Why would anyone fall in love with her, the way we did with redheaded, freckled, impudent, talented but unaware of it, innocent, sweet little Lindsay?

I also laughed until I cried at that video -- at least until I got tired of the same repetitive action over and over again (Ali in a tree lot with snow reaches out to touch an ornament inexplicably hanging on a tree; wanders on, singing a monotonous song about Christmas. Ali reaches out to touch an ornament again. Ali reaches out to touch an ornament again, repeat ad nauseam). But I kept watching for the big whatever, and WHOO -- Ali is suddenly wearing a princess dress and tiara over her jeans! A Christmas dream -- or could it be Christmas Magic???

Then wow, Ali's back in her regular clothes but she's glimpsing a big-ass reindeer costume and a Santa through the trees and snow. Meanwhile, sparkles of light zing around.

The song has no hook or interest whatsoever. Ali, ditto. She doesn't even look like Lindsay.

I can't see this becoming anyone's Christmas favorite. Maybe one of the others (Christmas Tradition? or whatever) is better.

#14

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Posted Jun 2, 2008 @ 3:24 PM

Wow, that Christmas Magic video is CRAP. It's like they were purposefully trying to make a really really bad video! Did anymore else notice Ali's forced cheerfullness and how unhappy she looked in the closeups?

#15

jecholiah

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Posted Jun 3, 2008 @ 12:22 AM

She doesn't even look like Lindsay.


Ali reminds me of Howard K. Stern.

#16

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Posted Jun 3, 2008 @ 1:39 PM

The younger brother Cody looks more like Lindsey. He's actually very cute and appealing from what little we've seen of him. Maybe Dina Lohan doesn't think she can promote a boy's career. She seems to have picked the wrong kid to be Lindsey's successor. Of well, lucky for him. He might have a chance at a normal life.

I kind of don't want to admit this, but I think Ali Lohan is really pretty. Does anyone agree?



crickets.

#17

Green Ajah

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Posted Jun 3, 2008 @ 1:54 PM

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rGv4-jbccSQ Ali Lohan-Christmas Magic


Awww hell, that was splendidly hideous! That video has that sort of "Saved By the Bell" low-budg cheesiness, but something is very odd about it - maybe that it ISN'T 1991 anymore, and the way she's so, uh, enthusiastic. You know mom is right behind her with a cattle prod, and gives her a little zap when she starts to nod off. Speaking of nodding off, she acts as though she's been fed a Xanax sandwich, which I also wouldn't put past mom. Hope Dina is happy living vicariously through these f-ed up kids of hers, and I so want to meet the lobotomized idiots who gave her a parenting award. Who were previous recipients - Joe Jackson, Mama Spears, and Alec Baldwin? Jeez people!

#18

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Posted Jun 4, 2008 @ 3:58 PM

I think Ali sorta looks like Ashlee Simpson.

#19

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Posted Jun 5, 2008 @ 8:38 PM

Maybe a pre-nose job Ashlee....

Honestly, in the first episode when Dina was reading a tabloid headline "Too Young for a Nosejob" and then said they were saying Ali had a nose job? I was screaming at the TV "No, they're suggesting you might want to get her one."

#20

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Posted Jun 7, 2008 @ 10:44 AM

The other holiday video: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

#21

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 1:21 AM

Ahhhhh yet another Christmas miracle...thank you Ali!

After watching tonights episode and then watching Ali pretend to play the electric guitar I decided three important things:

1. Ali has no sense of rhythm. She couldn't find the beat dancing with the IMPACT dancers, and then as I watch this home video footage that was released as a video for "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" it is even more apparent, she isn't even on the beat when she is nodding her head...I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that is a prerequisite for becoming a hip hop star. Actually, I think it is a requirement for karaoke!

2. It is driving me crazy who she looks like to me and the tonight watching the show and again now...a brunette Nicole Brown-Simpson. Call me crazy but I see it...

3. I believe the premise of the 2 new E reality shows is supposed to endear Ali Lohan and Denise Richards to me, but after week 4, I hate Denise beyond a shadow of a doubt and proudly wear my "Team Charlie" t-shirt daily, where 4 weeks ago I had no opinion of her whatsoever. I barely remembered that Lindsey Lohan had a sister, so needless to say I am not with the paparrazzi waiting outside every fast food restaurant in Long Island hoping to catch a glance of Ali Lohan with her nasty, pinched up, caked makeup laden face. Every time she comes on the camera I have an overwhelming urge to wash her face and then send her to her bedroom until she is fit to contribute to society.

I don't know how much more I can endure...I have already quit Denise. It does not appear that I can take much more of the Lohan pack of wolves..

#22

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 2:41 AM

Oh man, that Christmas Magic video was HILARIOUS. Could she look any less enthusiastic? The snowman waving at the end was a little terrifying. Christmas Black Magic, maybe... She really does look 40, damn!

#23

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 9:44 AM

Oh dear lord... snark overload!!

Was she really playing the guitar? Really?! This girl needs to be stopped. Just because you can (marginally) carry a tune does NOT mean you should be a "singer".

#24

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 10:05 AM

I kind of don't want to admit this, but I think Ali Lohan is really pretty. Does anyone agree?

I was just about to post that! I think she's extremely pretty, imo as is Lindsey. I just don't like all that makeup she wears, she's only 14 and those fake lashes were disheartening.

#25

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 12:29 PM

The other holiday video: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

About five seconds in, her smile is scarier than Jack Nicholson's in The Shining. Good start. Then we see what might be Dina applying make-up to her, 'cause make-up is a long-held tradition of Christmas or something. The song starts, and wow. IMO, in the pathetic other video, Ali had a mildly nice voice, nowhere near good enough to go pro or even to sing in a school assembly or talent contest, but it was slightly pleasing if heavily edited from the sounds of things. In this one, she sounds worse than I do. The talent contest audience would be laughing at her. Also, the lyrics and melody are boring and often cheesy, then at the end there is this painful backup that makes everything much worse. If this is the kind of song she likes and believes in, then her and her mother should just let the studios pick them, 'cause Ali's taste is atrocious.

She somehow looks about twelve in this, but her voice, body language - I do not possess the words to describe it properly, but it's awful - and smug facial expressions combine to put thoughts into the head of a conceited and highly irritaiting younger cousin who you only see at Christmas, whereupon she will always sing kareoke, and nothing on earth could convince her she's not an awesome singer. I don't have a cousin like that or even know anybody like that, but that's the impression the video leaves.

Furthermore, the shots that aren't of her are just of Chrismassy stuff in New York. Awesome. Plenty to do with the song, lots of thought and effort put into that. Way to go. The STOP sign popping up was even worse, but the singular worst bit of direction was the ten second zoom in on her face at the end. What the hell was up with that?

At least it was funny.

#26

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 12:34 PM

The younger brother Cody looks more like Lindsey. He's actually very cute and appealing from what little we've seen of him. Maybe Dina Lohan doesn't think she can promote a boy's career.

No kidding. I caught this show for the first time yesterday and Cody was far more intriguing (and charming) in his brief clips than anything I saw from Ali in all three shows.

I feel bad harping on a kid and I have nothing against her personally because I can't for the life of me imagine having parents like Dina and Michael, but this kid is being set up for going nowhere. I haven't seen enough to see whether she has any talent, but Ali has no charm or charisma or it factor whatsoever. Plus the not attractive/old mouth thing on top of that.

With Lindsay no matter what has happened to her since or how many times she goes to rehab, I know why she became famous. When she started she was adorable and freshfaced and charming and just darn likeable--on camera at least. She had that elusive appeal. I could see why girls would relate to her and eventually guys would be attracted to her. She has/had charisma in spades. Plus personally I thought from an acting perspective Lindsay had tons of raw talent.

Ali? I got nothing. If I were Dina I'd be trying to get Cody on camera, though from what I understand I don't think he has any interest in the biz. I'm sure if he did Dina would be whoring him out more.

#27

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Posted Jun 9, 2008 @ 6:50 PM

Her voice sounds like an old country singer who's smoked two packs a day and belted Jack Daniels for about 30 years. Instead of warbling about innocent Christmas pleasures, I expect to hear this voice rasping out "D-I-V-O-R-C-E".

And true, unlke Lindsey, this girl has zero charm, freshness, likeability, etc. Lindsey was so cute and adorable, you just wanted to eat her up with a spoon! Ali comes across as jaded and bitter as her mom.

Pretty, well, I guess Your Mileage May Vary. For me, she doesn't look freakishly bad, just old and witchy and mad all the time. Plastic surgery could fix the nose, but could it do anything about her down-turned mouth? It's especially prominent when she smiles or sings.

Yeah, I kinda sorta hate to rag on a kid, but (a) Ali's asked for it, by presenting herself as the most awesome talented teen in history and by wanting fame and attention, and (b) she doesn't look like a kid, so it's hard to convince yourself that she is only 14.

#28

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Posted Jun 10, 2008 @ 11:47 AM

There really isn't much appealing about this kid as as far as the child celebrity thing goes. She's not cute and she seems to have a bratty, entitled personality. Often enough kids who are marginally talented actors or singers make up for it with a engaging personality or cute looks. Lindsay started out as a child -to-young-adult star in some high profile roles, which I think she was pretty good in (Freaky Friday, Parent Trap and Mean Girls). I just don't think Ali has what Lindsay had in the earlier part of her career.

#29

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Posted Jun 10, 2008 @ 6:43 PM

I dont know i think Ali is a cute girl. I think she just tries to look older than she is. But if you take all the make up off she would look like a normal 13 year old. Ahhhh i love this show!!

#30

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Posted Jun 10, 2008 @ 7:57 PM

I have to agree that Ali is cuter than I thought she would be (sans ridiculous makeup). And truthfully she is a lot more "normal" than I assumed she'd be considering everything. To quote another poster upthread:

n a way she is such a typical 14-year-old -- grouchy, quick to blame an adult for anything that doesn't go her way, stubborn about what she likes and doesn't like ("I like hiphop"), depends on her friends for validation ("me and my friends all listen to hiphop"), worried about fitting in ("I know that's weird, that we like hiphop").


Yeah, she isn't particularly talented and yeah, she's trying to act older and yeah, she's a little abrasive, but considering the parentage and the alternative.../big sister/...eh, not bad.