182 replies to this topic

[AmberJamie]

Give your favorite (or non-favorite) characters some much-needed advice. One example:
Lana Lang:

You have to start owning up to your actions. You have hurt a lot of people recently in your quest for revenge. So what if some of them were Luthors? Other victims were a cancer-stricken man, a very ill woman, and one of your close friends. Start apologizing to them with no excuses or justifications. Also, find out what you really want in your relationship with Clark and see whether or not you can actually get it. You may have to consider the possibility that the both of you will need to move on from each other. Lastly, stop taking people for granted. As you are experiencing with Chloe now, they won't always forgive you for everything that you do.

Edited by AmberJamie, Dec 28, 2007 @ 9:23 PM.

[Fat Elvis 007]

You can give your favorite (or non-favorite) characters some much-needed advice. One example:
Lana Lang:

You have to start owning up to your actions. You have hurt a lot of people recently in your quest for revenge. So what if some of them were Luthors? Other victims were a cancer-stricken man, a very ill woman, and one of your close friends. Start apologizing to them with no excuses or justifications. Also, find out what you really want in your relationship with Clark and see whether or not you can actually get it. You may have to consider the possibility that the both of you will need to move on from each other. Lastly, stop taking people for granted. As you are experiencing with Chloe now, they won't always forgive you for everything that you do.

Or: die.

[TudorQueen]

What a great idea for a thread.

Claire Bennet [Heroes]: Your father loves you. He loves you so much he will literally do anything to make sure that you are safe and have a chance at a good life. He may not be the easiest guy to understand, and he may dabble in some morally grey areas that truly give you pause, but his main motivation is to keep. you. safe. So cut him a little slack next time you want to blame him for everything wrong with the state of your little world, ok? You can disagree with him and there will come a time when you will definitely have to make all the big decisions by yourself, but that doesn't mean it's ok to tell him he's horrible and evil and you hate him. The fact that you do this repeatedly, in spite of all the evidence that he, in fact, loves you beyond reason, only makes you seem like a bratty kid, not the independent young woman you yearn to be.

[Doom]

The Haitian [Heroes]:

You know, you really gotta get out more. You hang around HRG like you're his manservant. And the next time Claire whips out those wind chimes, tell her she can shove them up her butt, this aint the antebellum south. For god sakes, get a nice hat, go on a vacation or two and have some fun! And some will of your own.

[Irish Wolf]

Dr. Gaius Baltar [Battlestar Galactica]:

You were the leading cyberneticist in the Twelve Colonies, before everything went to Hades. I must therefore conclude that somewhere in your head, there's a perfectly functional brain. You're just not using it.

For crying out loud, your life is at the mercy of what little remains of humanity. It's perfectly plain that even if the Cylons would take you back, your value to them would end the moment they managed to finally eradicate your fellow organics. Is it really the smartest decision in the world, to rile up the people who have the power to shove you out an airlock at will? Do you really think some bumpkin on the refinery ship, or washing pots in the galley of the former commuter ship the President rides in now, would put their lives on the line to save you if Madame President decided you were a waste of valuable food and air, just because you both came from Aerolon? Especially when you've done everything you can to hide that, up until writing your little manifesto?

Look, Gaius, buddy, take some free advice. Sit back, let the crazy ladies feed and house you for now, enjoy some wild brainsex with your imaginary girlfriend, and as soon as it's to your advantage, turn those weirdos over to the Fleet as potential saboteurs. Maybe you can use that, and the fact that despite everything you're still the smartest person around, to buy your way back into the good graces of the Admiral. (I think Roslin's a lost cause; you've already buggered that one up but good - but the Admiral might still listen to reason.)

[mynamehere]

Ten [Doctor Who]:

Stop saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," so much. 95% of the time you don't sound sincere and it comes off as patronising. Next time something bad hapens to someone say what you really feel, like "heh sucks to be you," instead that tired and trite apology.

Oh yeah, and get over Rose already. I know you loved her and all, but after 900 years of travelling and companions, you should know that she wouldn't be around forever.

[furrylump]

This is an excerpt from a review I did of an episode of Ghost Whisperer.

For Ghost Whisperer, this was actually alright. I wouldn’t call it good, but it was okay. However, were Melinda able to read this, I would offer her some tips:

1. It’s not classy to show more boob than Pamela Anderson at a funeral. No, not even if the corpse is dressed in a jacked over a fancy bra. But if you want to meet the person who dressed her, just look for the guy who’s staring at your massive Pamela Anderson cleavage throughout the whole ceremony.
2. If you find a guy who can also talk to ghosts, don’t think the worst of him without knowing him at all. And don’t act all cold to him when he’s a guest in your home and seems like a totally nice guy. No, I don’t care if you think it’s suspicious, he could say the same about you.
3. But if you are suspicious of a guy, don’t go off alone with him to a dark deserted place. Take Jim. Take Payne. Take Delia. Go during daylight, at least. Take some mace. Take a tazer. Any of these would be a good idea.
4. If you are even more suspicious of a guy than you were before and have evidence that there’s something off about him, then don’t get in your car, alone, follow him home, and enter said home, alone. Especially not when you know he’s home. They should just show Ghost Whisperer in women’s safety classes as a guideline on what not to do.
5. Don’t try to cross ghosts over while driving.

Oh, and because it can't be said enough... How hard is it to buy a fucking taser or some mace? She goes alone into complete stranger's houses all the time and says things that will make them angry. What if one of these people is particually aggressive, or on drugs or something?

[mondlerlove]

Dr. Cameron [House]:

Just marry Chase and forget about House.

[marxfan]

Lana Lang: Your parents died when you barely toilet-trained. No one buys that you remember them or miss them. Quit your whining and stop playing the sympathy card. My husband was 17 when his father died, but he's still able to function as a human being.

Niki from Heroes: Get a spine! You have super strength, which is an awesome, useful power! Use it to your advantage! You can kick more than a little ass now, quit with the quivering lip routine! Have a little spunk, woman!

Joey from Friends: You'll never make it as an actor. Face facts, get a real job, and crack open a book sometime.

Dr. Cox from Scrubs: Lay off Elliot. Pick on JD all you want, but leave Elliot alone. She's done nothing to you, and unlike JD, she's made strides to be independent and mature. Yeah, she can be neurotic and annoying, but nobody's perfect. Back off.

[Mack the Spoon]

Scully from The X-Files:

Much as it kills me to give you this advice - leave. Do NOT accept the assignment to the X-files, unless you want your entire life to be ruined, because that is what will happen. If you do go ahead and accept the position... well, don't have that chip in your neck removed. Seriously, don't. Also, provide all your family with guns, weapons training, and self-defense lessons. Read up on mothers with supernatural children, and how to deal with it in a rational way. Avoid the bees. And DON'T let Mulder go back to Bellefleur, Oregon.

[doguncle]

To Dr. Roy Hinkley, Thurston III & Lovey Howell, Mary Ann Summers & Ginger Grant,

Don't ever get on a boat piloted by Jonas Grumby and Willy Gilligan again. The last time you did so, you lost over 30 years of your lives on a forsaken island.

[AimingforYoko]

To Wile E. Coyote, Genius-at-Large:
Do not accept any packages from Acme, Inc. Return to sender, immediately.

[angelaudie]

To Izzie Stevens from Grey's Anatomy:
Izzie, I strongly urge you to seek out therapy. You have clear attachment issues. Your need to poke your nose is your patients' business is not kind and compassionate. It's annoying and unprofessional and in some cases unethical (see Denny for example). Going out on a couple of dates with a guy does not make you the guy's girlfriend. I further find evidence of attachment issues in the way you handled your night stand with the very married George. Stalking a man that is telling you to leave him alone is not love. Yes, I know eventually he started to believe he loved you. But he told on several occasions to back off and you did not listen. Instead, you continued to obsess and even had the nerve to compare your actions to Meredith's and Christina's (NOT THE SAME!). Finally, getting pissed off at Meredith and Christina for having a close friendship is further evidence you have difficulty handling personal attachments.

Edited by angelaudie, Dec 29, 2007 @ 6:22 PM.

[doguncle]

To Elmer Fudd,

Take up squirrel hunting.

[Doom]

To Jaime from Bionic Woman:

Take off those freakin' heels! You already look like a giraffe on crutches when you run. And for heaven's sake, quit leaving your sister with men you just met. Clean up your act and buy a different outfit before you find yourself on "What Not To Wear".

Edited by Doom, Dec 30, 2007 @ 1:09 AM.

[GeoBQn]

To Reverend and Annie Camden from 7th Heaven:

Get the twins speech therapy, and for the love of G-d, do not homeschool them.

[Irish Wolf]

To Jaime from Bionic Woman:

Take off those freakin' heels! You already look like a giraffe on crutches when you run. And for heaven's sake, quit leaving your sister with men you just met. Clean up your act and buy a different outfit before you find yourself on "What Not To Wear".

Also, Jaime, if a bad guy has the wherewithal to figure out who you are, it doesn't take any more moxie to figure out that you have a sister, or where to find her. This whole "I can't tell her because it would put her in danger" thing only works if you're Superman, and wear a colorful spandex outfit while you're working. Just because the creepy balding guy you work for is obsessed with keeping secrets, doesn't mean you have to treat your sister like an idiot. All it's ever going to accomplish is pissing her off. So frakking TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON ALREADY! And tell her that if some chick who looks like Starbuck from BSG starts getting friendly, it's a setup, and she should run the other way fast.

[rubaco]

To Lt. Col. Henry Blake (M*A*S*H),

I know you can't wait to get home, but don't get on that plane in Tokyo! Please take a boat to the States instead.

[theobviouschild]

To Izzie Stevens from Grey's Anatomy:
Izzie, I strongly urge you to seek out therapy.

This advice can be forwarded to everyone on GA. Meredith Grey, this means you. Seriously.

[D Jay]

To Jack Bauer (24):

Take a sick day.

Edited by D Jay, Dec 30, 2007 @ 5:05 PM.

[silverangelaunt]

To Lila (Dexter)

He's Just Not That Into You. Seriously, run!

[beckyg]

To Jack Shephard (Lost):


Shut up. Please, just shut up.

[suzysite]

To Michael Scofield: Quit the whispery crap and speak up. I shouldn't have to use my closed captioning to understand what you're saying.

[sonneta]

Dear Chuck (Pushing Daisies):

You know how just one touch from Ned could kill you? Yeah, it might be a good idea if you would a) wear more clothing (long sleeves, at least) when you're around him, b) stay back at least six inches from him at all times, and/or c) move far, far away, and communicate by e-mail. I realize that you are legally dead, but I'm sure someone (maybe Emerson) could get you a fake Social Security number/ birth certificate/ etc.

To Adam (Mythbusters): I love you dearly, but please, please stop it with the accents. I'm begging you.

[Jilly Copper]

Dear Buffy Summers:

There are so many pieces of advice that you need, but my computer may just die of exhaustion if I try to list them all. So here's a simple one to get the ball rolling: There are other tacit ways to express feelings of anger/frustration/exhaustion/exasperation besides rolling your eyes. Please learn them.

[furrylump]

To Jack Shephard (Lost):


Shut up. Please, just shut up.

Heh. Word.

Also to Jack Shepherd:
Always tell Sayid.
Always listen to what Sayid has to say.
Stop letting your emotions, usually anger, guide what you do as leader.
Stop dicking around with Kate. I don't like her, but you repetitively making her cry makes me feel sorry for her.
If the thing Juliet wants most is to go home, then the next logical step to make is that she is going to do whatever she thinks will most likely get her home. As it happens, you got lucky and she decided that was siding with you guys. That doesn't mean she won't betray you in future. Also, the fact that she told you everything, but about a week after she got there, means that she was considering carrying out Ben's plan. It's not hard to figure this shit out, Jack. Look past her expressively unexpressive pretty face for once.
Your future beard is awful.

To Kate
Pick a guy and stick with it.
If you pick Jack, stop letting him walk all over you. If you don't pick Jack, stop letting him walk all over you.
Be nicer to Sawyer.
Hang out with some chicks, will you? I miss the girly scenes.
Don't get pregnant. No, seriously, do not get pregnant. Too many pregnancies already.

To Sawyer
Go back to never wearing a shirt, like in Season 1.

To Sun
Please don't die!

[fadooski]

Oh, no way in hell can I resist this --

To Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk:
You are not a hero. You are an allegedly ultra-desirable, affluent white guy who gets laid a lot. Your access to gender,race and class privilleges is what allows you to live you life on your own terms.There's a fucking difference.
Your honesty is limitted to the contempt that you show everyone including the men you sleep with. There's just a little bit more to being honest than sincere assoholery and (the fact that this needs to be said is precisely why you're not as desirable as you like to think) a sincere asshole is still an asshole.

To Ted from Queer as Folk:
You need new friends. You were raped during a meth-induced black-out. While you may have placed yourself in the less than safe situation where it happened, it's not your fault, it's the degenrate fucks who took turns sexually assaulting you while you were unconscious who are to blame. The equally degenerate fucks who you think of as a chosen family did not offer you one iota of support or compassion choosing instead to only show disdain for actions you took while suffering from a debillitating addiction. If some I thought of as family were raped I would be a hell of a lot more upset than Emmet, Lidsay and Mel were while they watched a tape of you being violated (that's called evidence, by the way). That's not family. Cut these people out of your life. Now.

p.s. if you still have the tape go to the police and press charges against the men who raped you. Whether they get convicted or not, it will be a chance for you to gain some closure over what happened to you.

p.s.s. you're not, nor have you ever been, ugly. Hopefully, addressing your sexual assault will help you gain the strength you need to never allow another vapid, vaccuous piece-of-shit hottie to treat you like you're worthless.

To Martha Jones form Doctor Who:
You are a brave, intelligent and hard-working young woman with an enormous amount to offer anyone. The being that you've developed feelings for is (a) not human in mind nor in body, (b) living in the shadow of indescribable trauma and ( c) is in his most assholish incarnation since his sixth persona. He simply appears to be a (really vain) cute guy. He cannot offer you the affection or even friendship you need and even if he could, he hasn't earned it (apparently, you're a rebound). Travel with him, learn from him, enjoy the adventures and understand that he's not the person he used to be.

To Rose from Doctor Who:
However painful your seperation from the Doctor may be, you must move on. See to your education (which incidentally you abandoned in favour of another older man). Be attentive to your family and do not treat them as a poor consolation prize/substitute for the Doctor. Your career with Torchwood will probably require an enourmous amount of training so the education advice above will be vital. 'Knowing stuff' will give important context to what you saw and experienced travelling in the TRADIS.

Do not under any circumstances pursue a relationship with Mickey. Do not have sex with him. He may still be vulnerable to you so the temptation will be there. Apologize for fucking with his feelings and keep your damn distance. Avoid building your identity around your romantic relationships, if you don't know who you are when you don't have a boyfiriend, you shouldn't have a fucking boyfriend. Focus on you family, career and helping people. That baby Jackie's expecting means you're a role model now so for Gallifrey's sake, get your shit together.

Edited by fadooski, Feb 14, 2008 @ 12:38 AM.

[devans00]

fadooski
Oh, no way in hell can I resist this --

To Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk:
You are not a hero. You are an allegedly ultra-desirable, affluent white guy who gets laid a lot. Your access to gender,race and class privilleges is what allows you to live you life on your own terms. There's a fucking difference.


To Ted from Queer as Folk:
p.s.s. you're not, nor have you ever been, ugly. Hopefully, addressing your sexual assault will help you gain the strength you need to never allow another vapid, vaccuous piece-of-shit hottie to treat you like you're worthless.

Right on to your Brian and Ted advice.

Brian probably feels like a hero because, for a while, he kept solving everyone's problems by writing big checks. Which was possible, of course, because of his excessively paying job. Brian, I hope you appreciate that your charmed life had more to do with your 20 something, athletic-ish looks than your smarts or your charming personality.

Ted, you have a lot to offer the world. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Maybe hanging with people closer to your age or older will help you stop feeling like an old hag.

[The Mad Maple]

Fadooski, pretty much all of that Rose Tyler entry should probably be spoiler-tagged. I mean, it's bad enough that I was already spoiled about her return, but you're letting slip actual plot points there.

*ahem*

To Nathan Petrelli:

The next time you set up a press conference which is sure to piss off a shadowy corporation full of people with superhuman powers and intensive weapons training, wear a frikkin' bulletproof vest!

Edited by The Mad Maple, Dec 30, 2007 @ 10:39 PM.