51 replies to this topic

[American Snob]

I've seen this on numerous boards around the site and Weeds surely deserves one. There are certainly a lot of great quotes from the past two seasons and hopefully more to come in future episodes.

I guess I'll start off:
from the pilot

*Nancy: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film

*Isabelle: Did your hair go off to a Mexican boarding school too? (re Celia shaving Dean's head in revenge for the affair in ep 102)

*Doug: (on the medicinal marijuana facility) It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.

Edited by American Snob, Aug 9, 2007 @ 11:23 PM.

[The 2nd Evil]

Nancy: You've made your bed. Now go fuck in it.

[booberella]

Entries from the "Lupita Gets All the Best Lines" club:

Nancy: "Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell."
Lupita: "I don't smell with my coochie."

Andy: "What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?"
Lupita: "The coffee table."

I'd post Doug's rant about In&Out burger, except I can't remember it. But I love that little speech, too.

ETA: Oh-ho, THANK YOU Wikipedia! "In-N-Out is independently owned by religious nuts that put biblical citations on the bottoms of the cups. They don't franchise and they use fresh ingredients. They cook with Jesus."

Edited by booberella, Aug 10, 2007 @ 6:58 PM.

[joeblow]

From episode 3, Good Shit Lollipop

[The drive by at Heylia's vs. the soda attack on Celia's place.]
Heylia: Shit, white folks get soda pop, n***** get bullets.


Nancy: What if the marajuana is in baked goods, say candy or chocalate?
Allison Janey: [sing-song] If you can eat it, you can beat it.


[Doug at the cannabis club]
Doug: Anymore Stephen Hawking? I want to be wheeled out of here.

Edited by joeblow, Aug 10, 2007 @ 9:18 PM.

[ConstancePorter]

"Don't look at me, I'm fucked up on cornbread."

"You can't miss the bear."

Almost any rant delivered by Andy or Doug.

[alex90028]

Andy: "What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?"
Lupita: "The coffee table."

My favorite quote ever, well that one and the one with the mustrubation thread. I know it's on You Tube, but anyone has the actual "quote"

[amikaro]

If anyone has Celia's Atrium-rant I'd be forever grateful! The only part I remember is "A place where plants come to die". Heh

[Januari]

Here you go:

Celia: "Look up."
Dean: "What?"
Celia: "Look up."
Dean: "Fine, so what?"
Celia: "There’s no roof."
Dean: "It's an atrium, it's supposed to bring in light."
Celia: "When it's raining, Dean, and I’m in the bedroom, and I want a cup of tea, I have to put on rubber boots so my slippers don't get wet on the way to the kitchen. When the Santa Anas come over the hill in the afternoon and our neighbours are all outside feeling the wind in their hair, do you know what I do? I open the dining room door. I open the living room door. I then open the bathroom praying that my husband isn't sitting there taking one of his monster shits. I do this so that the airconditioning can fake the sensation of flowing oxygen into our stuffy, claustrophobic, open-air atrium. A room where plants come to die. This is the dumbest fucking room ever built."

[chalkitdown]

Here's the Masturbation scene(from IMDb.)

Andy: Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed.
[Shane gets up to walk away]
Andy: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]
Andy: Homework.

Great scene. It's a pity you can't get transcripts of episodes online like you can of Deadwood and the like. Believe me, I've looked. I'd spend hours reading them.

[Talix18]

I loved the look on Shane's face after Andy said "Homework."

[amikaro]

Here you go:

Thanks a lot, Januari! That rant is just as great as I remembered it!

[BlueDwarf]

Woman: "Your mom's going to be just fine."

Isabella: "Please. That bitch will outlive us all."

[chalkitdown]

This may not(will not) be factually correct 'cos I'm writing it from memory, but this bit from Conrad in season 2, I thought was quit amusing.

Conrad: We just opened up a Burger King in the middle of fuckin' Mcdonalds, only Ronald ain't no clown, he this tracksuit wearin' motherfucker with a butchers knife, ready to cut your dick off and mail it in four diferrent direction, I mean, we are buck naked in front of George W. Bush with out dicks in his Daughters mouth.
Nancy: ENOUGH WITH THE DICKS!!!

Conrad's usually the serious one of the group bit this bit was hillarious.

Edited by chalkitdown, Aug 15, 2007 @ 2:38 PM.

[American Snob]

From the most recent episode:

Kat: We'll meet again. I'll be older, but I'll still be hot. And you'll be older and you'll still be the same smart, wise, gentle soul you are now, but you'll be taller. And I think that you're gonna do some really interesting things with your facial hair. I just see it. Okay Sweetie? Heart hug, heart hug.

Nancy: Silas, where is the p--... dry cleaning? I need every last piece of clothing or my boss will shoot me dead. DEAD.

Edited by American Snob, Aug 18, 2007 @ 10:35 PM.

[joeblow]

I love that scene! I don't care if she is batshit insane, she can have me any day of the week. Yeah...pipe dreams and all that...

Whatever trauma Shane went through, I'm sure the experience was worth it.

[drewsof]

In 1.07 (I'm pretty sure it's that one), there's a great dialogue between Nancy and Andy about the fact that he's been sleeping with Shane's friend's mom and Nancy tells him that "now you've made your bed, you've gotta fuck in it!"

Also hilarious, but more for the delivery: Andy, after his... problem... "it's not okay."

[wwhk]

Allison Janney lawyer: You can flee to Mexico...or Canada. Canada ROCKS. Primo weed. Really good Chinese food!

Andy (to Silas):Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.

[Dayton43]

Andy: "What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?"
Lupita: "The coffee table."

I just spent most of the weekend watching the first two seasons from Netflix and hands down this has been my favorite quote so far. I laughed out loud for a good five minutes after that scene and it still cracks me up just thinking about it.

[cherrybomb1108]

The coffee table and the baby arm were easily the best quotes of the series. I actually had to pause the dvd player to laugh which is not common for me.

[foscolo]

I liked when Nancy was trying to get a cellphone signal in the kitchen with U-Turn and the Armenians and she was like "I have no power bars. Power bars? that can't be right... what are they called bars of reception?"

[DMW_SFU]

This is my favorite bit of dialogue this season. It sums up Celia -- and, specifically, her relationship with Isabelle -- perfectly.

Celia: Didn't you like getting manicures?
Isabelle: You wouldn't let me get the color I wanted.
Celia: Black is not a color.
Isabelle: Tell that to black people.
Celia: I don't know any.

[trippyhop]

Some of my favorites that haven't been listed yet:

Celia (to Isabelle): You can't become a lesbian just because you don't want to lose weight.

Lupita: Sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a baby, and then I cry, but then I think, 'Oh, no, it's the menopause.'" (I don't know why that one makes me laugh incessantly... I think it might just be her delivery)

Agrestic mother (on the news, in the cougar episode): I'm worried about my cat, Chester... but I don't think the cougar would eat him. Wouldn't that be cat cannibalism? (I'm sure it's not word for word, but it's close)

[chris93]

Two words: "Suck Yourself".

Ha!

[heid3ster]

Teacher at Shane's school: Are you a Jewish?
Nancy: No. My husband was... a Jewish.
Teacher: Oh, did he pass?
Nancy: A lot of people thought he was Italian. (beat) YES! He is no longer with us.

Oh, also from a couple weeks back:

Nancy: How am I supposed to pay the bills, put food on the table?
U-Turn: Get a fucking job.

[Dystopia XIII]

"Thug means never having to say you're sorry."

and

"THIS is for laughing at me when I went to go see Dreamgirls"

Might not have been the best plotline ever, but it was good for a line or two

[American Snob]

from "Release the Hounds"

Tara: God wants me to sell pot, Mrs. Botwin...and to drive a BMW.

Sanjay: I'm a faggot, so I'm allowed to say that.

(I don't know if its completely verbatim but I couldn't resist)
Sanjay: Hey Silas, I'm gay.
Tara: Oh, you can get help for that.
Sanjay: Oh I know. Stewart's been helping me... a lot.

[woobles]

From Release the Hounds :

Isabelle : Why are you such a c*nt?
Celia : Please don't use foul language, Isabelle. People will think you weren't raised right.
Isabelle : I wonder why.

Nancy : You realize you're doing something illegal.
Tara : I answer to a much higher authority.

[ForLauren]

A great Shane quote from "Cankles"...

"Blowing shit up is not just for terrorists. Don't let them take that away from you."

[WeEeEeEe]

Season 2 is showing now in Australia. I am picking up plenty more from the second time watching.

Celia : It's for the campaign. Family picture. Warm, fuzzy. I put it on the calendar, Wednesday early evening. You, me, Isabel.
Dean : What about Quinn? Isn't she a member of this family?
Celia : I'm telling people she's dead. Get the sympathy vote.
Dean : Celia!
Celia : I was kidding! Gosh, where is your sense of humor?

&

Doug : When does CPR become necrophilia?

[persephone0017]

Doug's "Kiss my black ass" when he's arguing with the attendant over his golf club membership really cracked me up. I think the way that it was seamlessly thrown in was the funniest part.