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Things I'm no longer allowed to do in Hell's Kitchen


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#1

Zoken

Zoken

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Posted Jul 7, 2007 @ 7:27 PM

It's a fun little game where you come up with the list of things that you've discovered you weren't supposed to do


1. I am no longer allowed to mention beef wellington to the contestants outside of dinner service
*Even if Chef. Ramsey thinks it's funny
*I will be forced to mop up the tears if I do.

2. I am no longer allowed to tell Melissa that Chef Ramsey wants her in charge
*Her teammates do not apreciate this
*Chef Ramsey does not appreciate this
*The network executives DO appreciate this, but they aren't the ones that have to put up with her.

3. I am no longer allowed to ask the Blue kitchen if "They can smell what the Rock is cooking"
*If Vinnie has screwed up yet
*If they know how to prepare beef wellington
*I am no longer allowed to talk to the blue kitchen

4. I am no longer allowed to use the spatulas as back scratchers
*Or the pasta spoons
*Or the frying pans
*Or the steak forks
*I am no longer allowed to touch utensils.

#2

TudorQueen

TudorQueen

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Posted Jul 7, 2007 @ 8:14 PM

5. I am no longer allowed to call Julia "Miss Waffle House", even though it amuses Bonnie and Melissa - or, rather, because it amuses them.

6. I am no longer allowed to ask J-P which accent he's planning on using tonight.

7. I am no longer allowed to ask Jen what the 'trash du jour' is tonight.

8. I am no longer allowed to put bright blue food coloring in the risotto.

#3

Teeth Malloy

Teeth Malloy

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 8, 2007 @ 5:43 AM

Ok, I've read a couple of these "Things I'm No Longer Allowed To Do" lists. Here goes nothing...

9. Not allowed to draw faces on a pair of tongs with a Sharpie and make quacking noises.
10. I will not ask a customer to "Please take your tits off my hot plate." Even if Chef Ramsay did it.
11. I will stop snickering every time Chef Ramsay chastises anyone about their "dirty bowls."
12. Will not tell Chef Ramsay to tone down the language.
13. Not allowed to sing the Oompa-Loompa song when a fellow contestant practically eliminates themselves by their own stupidity.
14. If food is sent back from the table, not allowed to say to Chef Ramsay, "Didn't you approve that before it was served?"
15. I will not attempt anything I saw on Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee.
16. Singing "Burn Baby Burn" during service is not funny.
17. When Jean-Philippe comes to relay complaints from customers waiting on their food, I am not to retort with, "Give them some booze! That'll shut 'em up!"
18. During the blind taste test, if I accidentally bite Chef Ramsay's finger, I will not claim that the taste test item is "Chef Ramsay's Finger" and demand credit for a correct answer.
19. Nor will I attempt to sue for emotional damage for there being a finger in my food.
20. I will not attempt to throw dropped kitchen utensils in the air with my toes to see if I can catch it with my hand.
21. I will not claim to have a groin-mounted meat thermometer.
22. I will not attempt to ghetto-rig a groin-mounted meat thermometer to my uniform.
23. I will not challenge one of the sous chefs to a Throwdown, a la Bobby Flay.
24. After lighting the alcohol for a tableside fruit flambé, it is bad form to yell, "Holy shit! Call 911!" and run screaming from the dining room.
25. My signature dish name should not be a double entendre.
26. No swordfighting with spatulas at anytime.
27. Not allowed to talk like the Soup Nazi during service.
28. Nor am I allowed to talk like the Swedish Chef and add "Mork Mork Mork!" to the end of everything I say.
29. Service does not start with Chef Ramsay standing between the two kitchens, bowing to each side, and then shouting, "Allez cuisine!" whilst doing an accompanying karate chop.
30. I will not use an airhorn in the kitchen in an attempt to do my own in-person "bleeps" to Ramsay's swearing.

Someone post something. I can't stop!

Edited by Teeth Malloy, Jul 8, 2007 @ 11:05 AM.


#4

ladyblue

ladyblue

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 8, 2007 @ 5:45 PM

31. I will no longer say finger licking good in a restaurant
32. I will not use water in place of stock in a risotto even though in Vinnie's reasoning, the stock is made from water
33. I am no longer allowed to try and see how high I can toss vegetables in the air in a frying pan
34. I will not introduce myself in the dining room and tell people I'm cooking their dinner tonight
35. I will not ask the chef if I can have fried eggs on toast when it is not on the menu
36. I will not ask Melissa if angel hair pasta is included in any of her dishes
37. My signature dish will not be an extra hot chicken vindaloo
38. Its not a good idea to do the happy dance in Chef Ramsay's presence
39. I won't do anything that Chef Ramsay can impersonate during or after a difficult service

#5

Ofms

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  • Interests:Cooking for friends and family, walking, reading, playing the piano, travel.

Posted Jul 8, 2007 @ 6:28 PM

40. I am no longer allowed to ruin six Wellingtons, hoping to make Chef yell, "Oh, fuck me senseless."

#6

Zoken

Zoken

    Couch Potato

Posted Jul 8, 2007 @ 6:49 PM

41. When Chef Ramsey says "Oh, fuck me senseless" or any other similar phrasing, I am not allowed to take that as an invitation.
*Chef Ramsay does not find me attractive
*Chef Ramsey will not restrain himself from doing me physical harm.
*Nudity is not acceptable in Hell's kitchen

#7

cadoph

cadoph

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 9, 2007 @ 9:22 AM

42. I am not allowed to talk about my graduate education in music for any reason ever.
43. I am not allowed to cook with alcohol on a food truck.

#8

indigotea

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  • Location:Atlanta, GA

Posted Jul 9, 2007 @ 10:11 AM

44. I am no longer allowed to claim sweating into the food is "seasoning."

45. indigotea is no longer permitted to refer to indigotea in the third person.

46. Any food discarded into my personal Super Secret Trashcan will be counted against me.

47. When I 'pass out' when faced with a particularly arduous task, I will be slapped silly until I get up and help, not patted on the head and cooed over.

48. When Chef Ramsay tells me to display a dish, I will display it immediately, even though I know beforehand that I will be humiliated.

49. I will no longer claim to have spent 10 years learning something which I clearly have not learned.

50. In the future, if someone is intent on ruining food at my station, I am to slap the bitch hard.

#9

xinit

xinit

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 9, 2007 @ 10:29 AM

51. I will not be arrogant when blaming someone else's arrogance for our loss
51b. I will not lie while accusing someone else of lying.
52. I will not tell you my dish is going to take five more minutes and then tell Chef that I'm ready and just waiting for your sorry ass.

Edited by xinit, Jul 9, 2007 @ 10:32 AM.


#10

miss tuliplee

miss tuliplee

    Couch Potato

Posted Jul 9, 2007 @ 5:16 PM

53. I will submerge or acidulate anything that has a chance of oxidizing, viz., potatoes, artichokes, apples, avocado, etc.
* No black food. Ever.

54. I am no longer allowed to intimate that, given a less than ideally lighted situation, I intend to pinch Chef Ramsay on his grumpy behind.

55. I will not take my pants off during Spa Day.

56. I am no longer allowed to do anything that will KILL SOMEONE.
*Alas. Have you seen the customers at HK?

57. I bin it; I eat it. Check.

58. I must not stop calling pea risotto "riz du baby-poop." It is delicious.

59. I am not to listen to anything Jean Phillipe says, because he among all participants in Hell's Kitchen does not feel the urge to forward my soon-to-be dazzling acting career.
*Plus, he is a lying liar who lies and a sneaky snake. Girlfriend!

60. I will not cook a lone duck breast for more than 45 minutes. 38 is ideal.

#11

mewins

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Posted Jul 9, 2007 @ 10:58 PM

61. I will not enter HK without first being able to cook a beef wellington blindfolded
62. I will study the flavor of gnat's piss to make sure none of my food tastes as such
63. I will not leave my long, wild hair free to fall into anything and everything I cook
64. Should GRr at some point exclaim "oh fuck me," I will respond with the only appropriate answer: "Yes Chef!"

#12

Teeth Malloy

Teeth Malloy

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 10, 2007 @ 3:46 AM

65. When Jean-Philippe is checking the status of the meal on behalf of hungry diners, not allowed to send him back to the table with a phone number to a local pizza delivery place.
66. Prior to service, not allowed to sneak in to access Chef Ramsay's PC and change his Windows shutdown sound to a soundbyte of him screaming, "Shut it down!" and turning the volume up to the maximum.
67. Not allowed to do anything to deliberately piss off Ramsay for the sole purpose of counting how many times he says the word "fuck" in 60 seconds.
68. I will not refer to a meat cleaver as "my little friend."
69. When Ramsay samples a dish of mine and inquires about what herb I used as a garnish, I will not stare into space and then suddenly stammer, "I swear, it's barely a misdemeanor's worth!"
70. I will not start a heated debate in the middle of service about whether cold water or hot water boils faster.
71. I will not mention in earshot of a table full of diners that tomorrow's service involves sushi being served on a naked chick.
72. I will not use a meat tenderizer to hit a fellow teammate over the head and say, "Hello? McFly?!?" no matter how much they deserve it.
73. The word, "Bam!" is banned from Hell's Kitchen.
74. Will not challenge Chef Ramsay to a staredown contest.
75. Fake severed body parts in the risotto is neither encouraged nor funny. Even if it's Halloween.
76. Will not pump the room full of helium before service. This is especially in conjunction with rule #67.

#13

inyourdreams

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    Loyal Viewer

Posted Jul 10, 2007 @ 2:22 PM

64. Should GRr at some point exclaim "oh fuck me," I will respond with the only appropriate answer: "Yes Chef!"


This really needs to be amended to say, I will respond with the only appropriate answer: "When and where, Chef?" or "Now?" may also be considered if at the end of the dinner service.


69. When Ramsay samples a dish of mine and inquires about what herb I used as a garnish, I will not stare into space and then suddenly stammer, "I swear, it's barely a misdemeanor's worth!"


Cherry coke and keyboards do NOT mix! lol

#14

Zoken

Zoken

    Couch Potato

Posted Jul 13, 2007 @ 7:59 PM

77. I am not allowed to talk to the food I am preparing as if it is my lover
*Or my murder victim
*Or my progeny
*I am no allowed to talk to the food I am preparing EVER

#15

Teeth Malloy

Teeth Malloy

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 15, 2007 @ 11:38 PM

78. Not allowed to serve Chef Ramsay a batch of Polly's (season 2) undone foccacia bread along side a dish of poodle shit and say, "Now which one would you rather eat?"
79. Not allowed to tell Jean-Philippe or the wait staff to fuck off just because Ramsay does it.
80. I will not form food or plate dishes in any manner that can be perceived as a still image of a sexual act.
81. It is considered poor form to have an expletive in the name of a dish I serve.
82. Though the names are similar, Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Dance are not interchangeable.
83. Not allowed to hire Chef Ramsay a stripper before service in hopes it will put him in a better mood.
84. Will not attempt to educate Chef Ramsay in "the finer points of beer."
85. I will not start singing The Song That Never Ends every time someone orders lamb.
86. When Chef Ramsay asks why any dish isn't cooked properly, I will not respond with, "I suspect Nargles are behind it."
87. I will not continually ask, "Who's got the crabs?" Especially when it's not on the menu.

Edited by Teeth Malloy, Jul 16, 2007 @ 12:05 AM.


#16

Rosanella

Rosanella

    Video Archivist

Posted Jul 16, 2007 @ 4:18 PM

Teeth Malloy

66. Prior to service, not allowed to sneak in to access Chef Ramsay's PC and change his Windows shutdown sound to a soundbyte of him screaming, "Shut it down!" and turning the volume up to the maximum.


I would pay to have that shutdown sound, but can you rig one for this consarned OS X that I have running on this mac? I'd also need a stop touching my computer sound, maybe "That's why it's called non-stiiIIIick!!!" or just a simple "Oh, FUCK me!"

#17

Cathode Tube

Cathode Tube

    Couch Potato

Posted Jul 16, 2007 @ 10:06 PM

88. I am not allowed to answer all (or any) questions with, "What about NY strip steak?"

During the blind taste test, if I accidentally bite Chef Ramsay's finger, I will not claim that the taste test item is "Chef Ramsay's Finger" and demand credit for a correct answer.

BWAH! I wish the donuts were this clever.

89. I am not allowed to suggest that fish with all the good bits cut out of it is nouvelle cuisine.
90. I am not allowed to point out that GRrr was never this mean to his KN charges.
91. When GRrr calls me a donut or another piece of food, I am under no circumstances to respond, "so eat me!"

Edited by Cathode Tube, Jul 16, 2007 @ 10:12 PM.


#18

ladyblue

ladyblue

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 16, 2007 @ 11:14 PM

92. I will not yes, declare today yes, talk like Gordon Ramsay day eh.
93. When bringing dishes to the pass, I will not announce Done as I put it down.

#19

ktthegreatest

ktthegreatest

    Channel Surfer

Posted Jul 17, 2007 @ 12:41 PM

94. I will not rub it in my team's faces that even though I am the least experienced, most people ordered my meal.

#20

grendel

grendel

    Video Archivist

Posted Jul 18, 2007 @ 8:26 AM

95. I will not, under any circumstance, act shocked or surprised when Chef Ramsay yells, screams, calls me donkey or insults my food and/or cooking skills. (I swear, have the contestants never seen the show in previous seasons?)

#21

Rosanella

Rosanella

    Video Archivist

Posted Jul 18, 2007 @ 8:50 AM

96. I am not allowed to ask Chef Ramsey for change to use the payphone so I can call the Donkey Rescue group that I saw on KN.
97. I am not allowed to sautee the vegetables in a pan that has no fire under it.
98. No more tossing whole chickens across the kitchen and shouting "I'll bet that bird never thought it would fly again!"

Edited by Rosanella, Jul 18, 2007 @ 9:13 AM.


#22

Cathode Tube

Cathode Tube

    Couch Potato

Posted Jul 19, 2007 @ 10:18 PM

99. I am not allowed to take Aaron's apple.

100. I am not allowed to run the Campaign for Real Gravy on the clock.
* Nor am I allowed to do so at any Waffle House.

Edited by Cathode Tube, Jul 19, 2007 @ 11:25 PM.


#23

TWoP Nikita

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  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted Jul 20, 2007 @ 2:44 PM

I'm closing this thread because it's just a list and hasn't really generated any discussion. I'll leave it visible at least for a while so everyone can still read it.

Edited by TWoP Nikita, Jul 20, 2007 @ 2:45 PM.