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Because I Said So: New Rules for TV


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#1531

Batman Beatles

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Posted Dec 7, 2011 @ 7:38 PM

I propose that those on Kitchen Nightmares stop acting defensive when Gordon says the food is awful. They asked him to come fix their restaurant in the first place.

Edited by Batman Beatles, Feb 1, 2012 @ 9:20 PM.

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#1532

Waltuckian

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Posted Dec 11, 2011 @ 12:47 PM

Seconded. And I'd like to propose the same for anyone who appears on one of those 'You Dress Like an Idiot/Baglady/Teenybopper' show.
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#1533

honybr

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Posted Dec 16, 2011 @ 6:23 PM

My rule is that any reality show contestant who threatens to quit is automatically out. Period.


ITA. Quit being an attention whore and do the task at hand.

Let's take this a step further and make it a requirement for being on the show that these would-be contestants prove that they have watched at least one prior season of the competitive-reality show in question before they even audition, much less get cast.


Let's also extended this to candid reality. There was a girl on Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Making the Team who said after being cut "If I had just taken dance lessons I would still be here." Yes you idiot - you tried out for a dance team and didn't take a dance class. For goodness sake at least read forums to get a feel for what will be expected of you.
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#1534

HandBanana

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Posted Dec 19, 2011 @ 2:48 AM

Let's take this a step further and make it a requirement for being on the show that these would-be contestants prove that they have watched at least one prior season of the competitive-reality show in question before they even audition, much less get cast. That way, none of these whiny doofuses can bitch about how something is out of their comfort zone or about how they didn't know that the process would be so harrrrd (and yes, future celebrity contestants on DWTS, I'm looking at you as well!) Anyone who has a functioning pair of eyes and at least half a working brain would know going in what would be expected of them, especially if he or she is as much of a fan of the show as he or she claims to be. What's these losers' excuse?


I would add - I do not want to hear the contestants say "No, I've never cooked pork/chicken/something other common American meat or food medium/ before!" It's almost always a lie, for one thing, at least on Hell's Kitchen. I do not believe that a cook from the South hasn't cooked pork in her life (that was someone last year). It's complete nonsense, and just makes them look like sleazy liars.
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#1535

Trini Girl

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Posted Feb 1, 2012 @ 1:32 PM

No more amnesia story lines. Especially for series finales. (Yes, looking at you, Chuck and Smallville!)
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#1536

little ghost

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Posted Feb 3, 2012 @ 5:35 AM

I would like to propose a rule preventing shows that have parents of a young child go through a ridiculously comedic application process to a prestigious pre-school. God knows, if a child doesn't go to the right pre-school they'll NEVER get into any university of value.
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#1537

cacophony

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Posted Feb 3, 2012 @ 1:25 PM

I would like to propose a rule preventing shows that have parents of a young child go through a ridiculously comedic application process to a prestigious pre-school. God knows, if a child doesn't go to the right pre-school they'll NEVER get into any university of value.


God, yes please. You know what would be far more interesting and honest? Show us the parents trying to be dignified while going through separation anxiety. Or the parents worrying that their kid isn't ready for school. Older siblings making up horror stories that their gullible younger siblings eat up with a spoon.

There are so many interesting stories to tell about your kid going to school. Why do they have to drag out that old clunker every time?
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#1538

rocknrollchic

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Posted Feb 10, 2012 @ 10:01 PM

I propose that when a show is 4-5 seasons in and they have nowhere to go with a relationship AND they make the couple have a kid... please do not give the kid a storyline. Kids are cute in the background, with minor one-liners and as props. They do not get to have story lines unless the show was kid-related to begin with. One Tree Hill, this means you. Stop it!
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#1539

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Posted Feb 12, 2012 @ 2:07 PM

Not even then. The Fairly Oddparents started out funny and clever as all hell, then second-string writers ruined one of the funniest married couples in cartoondom, and finally they had a kid. With crappy storylines.
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#1540

SnideAsides

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Posted Feb 22, 2012 @ 1:23 AM

New Rule: Rebooting TV shows is forbidden. Unless someone finally decides to remake Quantum Leap.

Seriously, given they pretty much ignored most of the 80's (barring the one where Sam leaped back into "present day" 1999, I think they only did maybe one episode set after 1985), they've got basically thirty years worth of social issues they could mine ideas from, like AIDS, or the pro-life/pro-choice debate, or gay marriage, or even something minor but culturally significant like reality TV... how hasn't this been done yet?
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#1541

TudorQueen

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Posted Feb 22, 2012 @ 5:50 PM

snideasides, that is one of the most brilliant ideas I've encountered in quite a while.

I can see it now: Sam leaps into the body of a rising religious-right politician and discovers, after trial and error, that his mission isn't to change his politics, but to get him to be more honest about the challenges within his own family... Sam leaps into a gay teenager faced with bullying... Sam leaps into a staff member of a clinic that sometimes performs abortions, and are dealing with bomb threats and even assassination attempts... Sam leaps into a Muslim-American frustrated by the stereotypes and anger directed at his people... Sam leaps into an 'undocumented' immigrant - or maybe a hardline anti-immigration activist....
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#1542

Anakerie

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Posted Feb 22, 2012 @ 10:05 PM

If you are afraid of heights/water/strange foods/pelicans/your own shadow you are hereby forbidden to go on any reality show that that may bring you in contact with such. I swear I will scream if I hear one more Amazing Race contestant whine about how scared of heights they are. Have you ever watched the show? You know they're going to dangle your ass off a cliff or a building at some point: just stay at home if you can't do the challenges without being a drama queen.
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#1543

corvus13

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Posted Feb 23, 2012 @ 2:07 PM

Further rules for reality TV:

You may not appear on The Amazing Race until you prove your proficiency in driving a manual transmission.
You may not appear on Survivor until you prove that you can make fire without matches or a lighter.
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#1544

SnideAsides

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Posted Feb 27, 2012 @ 1:41 AM

Addendum: You many not appear on any new season of an old reality show until you prove you know what the show entails. I don't necessarily need people who've watched every episode and have a photographic memory for how to handle certain tasks, but for the love of GOD, show some understanding beyond "Um... is The Mole about skincare?"
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#1545

taiko

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Posted Feb 28, 2012 @ 1:38 AM

If you are going to stunt cast one of your star's relatives then have that character actually be a related to the guest
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#1546

livinggreen

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Posted Mar 2, 2012 @ 9:59 AM

taiko: What? Who?
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#1547

taiko

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Posted Mar 2, 2012 @ 9:24 PM

James Caan, not playing Danny (Scott Caan) Williams father on 5-0
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#1548

toddthomas

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Posted Mar 5, 2012 @ 4:45 PM

You may not use the phrase "ghetto trash" unless you are discussing waste disposal in a portion of Warsaw in the past. And even then, use other words.
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#1549

livinggreen

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Posted Mar 7, 2012 @ 12:38 PM

New Rule: You can't be from the South, and appear on The Amazing Race unless you can speak without that God-awful accent.

Two seasons in a row now with hillbillies and their hick-speak
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#1550

SnideAsides

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Posted Mar 7, 2012 @ 8:37 PM

I don't see why not - yes, it's an unpleasant accent to listen to, but if we exclude people based on accents or occupations (Joey & Danny), then we're stuck with eleven teams of SoCal models again.

I mean, they really need to cast more relatable, more interesting people (Harlem Globetrotters? Really show?), but excluding people based on their accent isn't the way to do it, I don't think.
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#1551

clear

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Posted Mar 14, 2012 @ 8:42 PM

TV characters are no longer allowed to confuse the following words:

ESP/ESPN

Ponzi (as in what Madoff did)/Fonzie (character played by Henry Winkler)

organism/orgasm

mastication (a word no one uses EVER except to make this joke)/masturbation (a word no one ever confuses with anything ele)

Find new malaprops, people. Raising Hope does it every episode - it's not hard.
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#1552

Bastet Esq

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Posted Mar 14, 2012 @ 10:06 PM

mastication (a word no one uses EVER except to make this joke)


Actually, John Madden once did (either masticate or masticating) during a Thanksgiving NFL game many years ago, which surprised me as it inevitably led to masturbation jokes among those with whom I was viewing the game, yet I honestly don't think he was trying to sneak that in.

Edited by Bastet Esq, Mar 14, 2012 @ 10:06 PM.

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#1553

GeoBQn

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Posted Mar 15, 2012 @ 10:55 AM

New Rule: Stop using the word "revolution" to refer to small actions meant only for your personal benefit. Eating whole grains--not a revolution. Losing weight--not a revolution. Watching The Revolution--not a revolution.
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#1554

Shanna Marie

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 10:00 PM

New Rule: Any reality show contestant who says any variation of "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to win this" will be immediately disqualified. Because duh, why else are you in a competition but to win it? Was making friends ever on the table? I guess it would be a bonus if you made a friend along the way, but is that anyone's goal in a competition?

And yet it seems like every single competitive reality show has that one person say "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win" in the promos. I don't even watch competitive reality shows and I know it's a cliche.
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#1555

Trini Girl

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Posted Mar 18, 2012 @ 11:50 PM

I wonder what they'd say if the competition was to make friends!
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#1556

Shanna Marie

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Posted Mar 19, 2012 @ 10:51 AM

Now I'm imagining pre-game interviews with athletes, where they declare, "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to win this." It would be just as absurd. It's a competition. Why else would you be there?

Now, it gets really complicated if the reality show is a Miss Congeniality thing, where to win it you have to make friends. Maybe that would be "I'm here to make people think I'm making friends so I can win it, but I will stomp all over these chumps who think I'm their friend so I can make more friends." But that would at least be a little twisted and surprising. I was watching that jousting show on the History channel, and one of those guys actually said the "I'm not here to make friends" thing, which made me shout at the TV, "No, you moron, you're there to knock the other guys off their horses with a long pole. Who in their right mind would think that's about friendship?" That's not even a "game" where there are alliances and voting. It's pure performance, so friendship doesn't even come into play.
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#1557

fastiller

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Posted Mar 20, 2012 @ 1:40 PM

Watching The Revolution--not a revolution.
GeoBQn


And so, here's where I get the title for my anti-reality TV/talk-show book/screed.
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#1558

Actionmage

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Posted Mar 29, 2012 @ 4:59 PM

Please tell me they have not used "The Revolution WILL be televised!" or any variation. If so, the folks behind that angle? Need to be shot. Or at least cuffed stoutly about their heads.

eta Spelling is good.

Edited by Actionmage, Mar 29, 2012 @ 5:00 PM.

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#1559

HandBanana

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Posted Apr 10, 2012 @ 3:27 PM

A desperately needed new rule: No more singing of Amazing Grace on TV. Please, please stop!
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#1560

FreakerThanThou

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Posted Apr 15, 2012 @ 2:54 PM

New rule: Every time you have an atheist character who became that way because of a trauma, you must make it abundantly clear that this is not the norm and many people do not believe in God or follow an organized religion for other reasons besides "my daddy died and I prayed for him not to die and HE STILL DIED." Yes, some people lose their faith over a trauma. Not everyone does.

Correlary: For every atheist you have who is a traumatized lapsed Christian or an emotionless scientist who doesn't understand joy or beauty, you must have one atheist who is a nice, well-adjusted person with a normal job and life who just doesn't happen to believe in God.

New rule: Next writer who makes a rape joke (including male rape, date rape, rufies, statutory rape, and informed consent rape) will be shot.

New rule: Next writer who has a plotline where a woman is raped or almost raped (or kidnapped, murdered, ect) and is rescued by a man who she immediately has sex with and falls in love with and has no trauma whatsoever will be drawn and quartered.

New rule: Next writer who has a woman almost be raped and rescuing herself or, failing that, reporting the matter to the police and getting therapy, will undergo complete DNA sequencing to make sure they're not an alien.

New rule: The next writer to make a joke about eating disorders will be denied food until they can write a sensitive and compelling plotline about anything. I expect many will starve to death, but that's a sacrifice we'll have to make.
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