251 replies to this topic

[Laurie]

A thread to discuss the various etiquette dilemmas this show brings up.

For example, should we interpret the cow-bell ringing "here comes the bride!" cryer as a cute and rustic way of involving a child who dosn't fit the flowergirl/pageboy system and making them happy with a cute little outfit, or is it truly just another way for these women to over-inflate their already huge sense of self-importance? And is it classy and cute or Assy and Klassay?

I'm suggesting that in most instances, that these poor children could have been made to feel involved in some other way (and with the numbers of attendants many of these brides have, what is one more? They're always shedding attendants for non-compliance anyway), and that really, no one at a wedding needs to know that "the bride is coming!" I mean really. Duh. I'm thinking that the big white dress might clue us in to the proceedings...

[collegedog]

Dilemma #2. What to say to the mother of the groom when she arrives with her very own white and lacy dress in tow? Freak out and make her get a new one? (Come on, you know you expected Kristina to do that...I sure did!) or be shockingly tactful and tell her it looks to be cream colored and isn't it pretty? (I certainly never expected that momzilla to be so kind, and yet she was.)

I'd also add the "no hanging, no swanging" rule about bridesmaid attire to the official wedding etiquette handbook. :)

[tashiann11]

I think with Dilemma #2 what to do with the Mother of the Groom all dressed in white you need to go with long term peace rather than short term venting of rage. These people are going to be in your life for a loooooong time (hopefully) including holidays. So suck it up and say "my what a lovely shade of ecru that is"

[Mita_Jo]

Not that I would ever do this at my own wedding, but the whole "the bride is coming, the bride is coming" is an African-American thing. Kind of in the same vein as the whole "jumping the broom" thing. The few times that I've seen it happen, it was always a black couple getting married. Mostly on tv though. So who really knows.

[Actinolite]

Not that I would ever do this at my own wedding, but the whole "the bride is coming, the bride is coming" is an African-American thing. Kind of in the same vein as the whole "jumping the broom" thing.

Any thoughts or knowledge on the origin of the custom? I've wondered about that every time I saw it.

[Imelda]

Not that I would ever do this at my own wedding, but the whole "the bride is coming, the bride is coming" is an African-American thing. Kind of in the same vein as the whole "jumping the broom" thing. The few times that I've seen it happen, it was always a black couple getting married. Mostly on tv though. So who really knows.

My friend who is white did this at her wedding. And we made fun of her. Her thing was that she had too many flower girls and plenty of "veil attendents" (who wore angel wings for some reason) so she made one of them ring a little silver bell (not a damn cowbell like Ladissa's wedding) and start warning us the the bride was coming (just in case we forgot that we were at a wedding). She had three older sisters who all had young daughters and she needed jobs for all of them, apparently. I have been to other weddings where this was done and they were all white people's weddings. I don't understand why, I mean isn't the music clue enough that the bride is coming? It just makes me think of Paul Revere, "The British are coming! The British are coming!" I don't know whether I should stand up for the bride or run and get my musket and check out the windows on the Old North Church.

Edited by Imelda, Aug 23, 2006 @ 4:23 PM.

[tinabee]

I think the biggest rule of etiquette most commonly broken is brides totally forget that bridesmaids and maids of honor are NOT unpaid slaves. If you are going to drop the bills on a wedding, then budget in a reputable wedding planner to handle the details so that everyone in the wedding party can enjoy themselves, and not end up hating you afterwards. In my opinion, the only things that the bridesmaids and the MOH should do(other than pay for their dresses and accessories, IF that is agreed upon in the beginning) is arrange the bridal shower and/or bachelorette party, help the bride into her dress, and show up to the wedding on time!

Edited by tinabee, Aug 23, 2006 @ 5:04 PM.

[slackerchick]

I think there's a broad range of appropriate expectations for wedding party members short of unpaid slave, but including more than "show up at wedding and shower." I've helped lots of friends decorate for a wedding, and I never resented it. It's all in the way the bride and groom approach it, in terms of workload, appreciation, and assistance.

I think it's Assy to have more people in the bridal party than in the audience, Marsha. Plus, it's just more stress to corral all those people, anyway.

[Puds38]

Not that I would ever do this at my own wedding, but the whole "the bride is coming, the bride is coming" is an African-American thing. Kind of in the same vein as the whole "jumping the broom" thing.

Any thoughts or knowledge on the origin of the custom? I've wondered about that every time I saw it.

Jumping the broom became popular again in the US with Alex Haley's ROOTS. Story has it that since slaves weren't legally allowed to marry, they would symbolize their wedding by jumping over a broom. wikipedia entry

Edited by Puds38, Aug 23, 2006 @ 6:08 PM.

[dizzylizzy]

I think we need a list of etiquette issues.

1) Not sending out thank you notes. No bride is that busy. And they don't have a year.

2) Referring to your wedding day as "my day." I seem to remember a groom in there somewhere too. AND it being your wedding day is hardly free reign to treat everyone else like shit.

3) EXPECTING your wedding party to do anything more than get the damn dress and show up sober. Sure, you can ask and many will be happy to do more. But expectations need to be kept in check.

4) Showers hosted by relatives. Vulgar in the extreme. Multiple showers within the same group of people. Vulgar in the extreme. Showers where you make people play dumb games.

5) Charging your guests for anything at the wedding. This includes cash bars. Ick. And charging someone to attend your wedding is about as vulgar as you can get. I don't particularly like money dances but think they are really in poor taste when they don't have a damn thing to do with either the bride or the groom's cultural traditions.

[Laurie]

LISTING for EVERYTHING in the entire store on your registry. Honey, no-one needs seven full 100-piece sets of silver cutlery.

[Pixel]

Here's one - if you throw a shower for the bride, please do not send out invitations stating that the party will be a pricey dinner and thus, your check for $50 will be your RSVP. If you can't afford to throw a fancy party at a casino banquet hall, throw a damn social in your living room. Don't ask the guests to pay for a bridal shower. They already have to bring a gift.

[kathrynp]

Don't run around before the reception with the seating chart to make sure people sit where you want them.(The seating chart should have been done before the day of the wedding but, if it's not, people can figure out how to sit at tables. Go enjoy your new husband and stop trying to get more attention)

For your receiving line (or "throne"), include your husband in the process. Don't let him sit there all alone while you pretend cry to everyone. Also - you really should be standing and not making everyone bend over to kiss you.

[collegedog]

Here's one - if you throw a shower for the bride, please do not send out invitations stating that the party will be a pricey dinner and thus, your check for $50 will be your RSVP.

Oh, my god, did this really happen? Or is this a hypothetical-too-extreme-to-even-be-real?

[Glory]

4) Showers hosted by relatives. Vulgar in the extreme. Multiple showers within the same group of people. Vulgar in the extreme. Showers where you make people play dumb games.

What is wrong with having a shower hosted by a relative? Almost every wedding I've been to has had a Bridal or Wedding shower hosted by someone close to the Bride. Usually an aunt or a sister or something. I wouldn't call that vulgar.

:::petulant pout::: And I like party games... yay Apples to Apples!

[INeedAJob]

What is wrong with having a shower hosted by a relative

Family isn't supposed to go gift grubbing for family. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be handled when the bridal part is entirely sisters and cousins though.

[Pixel]

Here's one - if you throw a shower for the bride, please do not send out invitations stating that the party will be a pricey dinner and thus, your check for $50 will be your RSVP.

Oh, my god, did this really happen? Or is this a hypothetical-too-extreme-to-even-be-real?

Yes, collegedog, this actually happened to me. And I did not go to the shower, and I told the bride a year later when she asked my why I didn't come. She was horrified. And I'll tell you something else - that's not the first time something like that happened. I was invited to another bridal shower where $20 donations to the party fund were requested on the invitation. I didn't go to that one either. I find that offensive in the extreme. It's not that I'm cheap, I just believe that you do NOT throw parties you can't afford, and ask the invitees to foot the bill. Unless it's a previously agreed upon dutch treat thing.

[slackerchick]

The mother and sister of the bride aren't supposed to host the shower. An aunt or cousin is acceptable. Although on the few occasions where I've been invited to a shower hosted by a close family member, I just assume they don't know this rule, and not that they're "gift grubbing." But it's also usually the only shower, and not one of 5.

[slackerchick]

But Kraft Mac and Cheese tastes so much better when cooked in a Calphalon pot ;)

[mrszapmonkey]

1) Not sending out thank you notes. No bride is that busy. And they don't have a year.

That's my absolute worst pet peeve. Reasonably speaking, you have about 2 months to get those TY cards to people's houses. If it was a very meaningful gift (financial or otherwise), a call would also be iin order. And how many times do people have to say it...IT MUST BE HANDWRITTEN! Do not print some generic message on the card and just sign your name.
Also, I've heard of bridal showers where the guests were made to write our their names & address on envelopes as they walked in and drop them into a bucket, thinking it was for a door prize. Turns out, the bride was meant to use those envelopes for the TY cards. She was too lazy to write out/find out the correct addresses herself. Grrrrrrrrr.

[Actinolite]

But Kraft Mac and Cheese tastes so much better when cooked in a Calphalon pot ;)

I own exactly one Calphalon pot (a large covered skillet similar to a wok with a...skillet handle) and you know what? I don't use it for the Kraft Mac and Cheese, but it's damn good for Hamburger Helper.

And, Glory, I like party games, too! Heck, I think if you're not going to do something stupid like "Toilet-paper wedding dress challenge" (OT-- They totally need to do that on Project Runway!) then it's even more just a gift-grab and a lot less fun.

[Meg D]

5) Charging your guests for anything at the wedding. This includes cash bars.

I was recently at a wedding of a good friend. She had the cash bar but with white zin (Viva la infindel!) and a keg of beer for free.

She also rocked the wine raffle. It was a very what the hell kind of event.

[mrszapmonkey]

I recently had a big vow renewal party, with some of the same details as a wedding: ceremony and separate reception. I hosted beer & wine only because none of my guests were big liquor drinkers. We had some "wine with dinner but nothing otherwise" people, and some "if it's Friday night i'm gonna need a beer" people, and I felt that we provided everyone with something. Everyone was happy (or so it seemed) and we didn't get stuck with a huge bar bill.
If it had been a wedding, I would have done the same.

Dilemna: what to do when your guests call you and ask if they can bring 2 additional guests?

Personally, I just said no outright. I explained that we had settled on the final guest list already and wouln't be adding any more. End of discussion. But I can see how some people would be uncomfortable with that conversation.

I mean, if you're going to have the addresses for the invites, why not just keep the damn list for your thank-yous? Excel, anyone?

I bet these are the same people that photocopy a (misspelled) invitation and hand it out at the office.

[dizzylizzy]

OK. Shower games aren't rude and if they are fun, then I am reluctantly OK with it. But most of them are dumb and it always seems to be some perky dumbass trying to weasel everyone into playing a game when they basically want to get schnockered and talk. I don't want to see who can remember the most things on a tray or identify the white powders. Showers can be fun with just eating and drinking and talking!


I don't think showers by relatives are OK. Even aunts and cousins. If no one not related to you wants to throw you a shower, then go without.


I think the self-addressed thank you note is horrible. I hate that anyone wrote about it because there is some slackass bride reading about it right now thinking this is the best idea EVER.

Registering for pricey cookware is funny to me. I had a friend who did it - top of the line All Clad and some nice knives. I think she sorta had the romantic notion of her becoming a cook at some point. Never happened.


And I don't have a problem with wine (even White Zin) and beer being the only things provided or even a dry wedding reception. I am the last person to say that you have to provide call brands for all your guests. But then skip the bar altogether and just have the beer and wine. You are the host so you get to dictate what is offered. If the guests don't like it, there are liquor stores all around and flasks to sneak it in. OR they could actually just wait to drink until after the wedding or vow renewal reception. I just think a cash bar is like serving hamburgers (which is in an of itself a fine thing to do) and then having the steak station that people can visit for $20.

I would have said no to additional guests as well. Unless it was extremely unusual circumstances and I had the means and room for additional guests. But it shouldn't be that uncomfortable of a conversation. You simply can't be a doormat in things like that.

And I echo Pixel's comments. I have had people hit me up for money to come to a shower because the budget got a bit high or they wanted to do it in a restaurant and couldn't afford it. I feel for the poor bride who may be unwittingly penalized by people skipping the event and leaving her feeling less popular but there isn't a better response to this sort of shakedown. I don't know why people can't realize that if they can't afford it then they really need to entertain more cheaply.

[jade76]

I thought traditionally the MOH hosted the shower. In my family that is almost always a relative and I’ve never had a problem with it. To each his own I guess. Asking your guests to chip in to pay for it, however, I am shocked, totally tacky.

[june gloom]

jade76, you're right about that. The MOH traditionally throws a shower, and often the bride's sister is the MOH. It is not improper at all for a relative to throw a shower for the bride i.e. aunt, cousin or sister. This is straight out of Emily Post: the mother of the bride may not host a shower for the bride but any other relative may do so.

And hell yeah! Asking for guests to pay?! Now THAT is horrendously tacky.

Here's another one: putting on the invitation "No children."--In poor taste. If the invitation is addressed to only the parents then that is what is implied. I work at a stationery store where we do custom wedding invitations. I had one bride put this on her invitations and right underneath: Babysitter will be provided. That's really not cool. If you must you can let people know that by word of mouth but to put it on the invitation. ugh.

[Mita_Jo]

I don't want to see who can [snip] identify the white powders.

I've never heard of that game. Anyone care to explain that one, like exactly what powders one would use?

I don't mind shower games at all. I think they're like ice breakers and a welcome treat, especially if prizes are involved.

I was once in a wedding where all the bridesmaids were expected to pay for damn near every party and excursion that we had for the bride. Like she had a MOH and MatonOH and they planned things and we were expected to chip in, in some way, outside of providing a gift. On top of that, we had to provide gifts for the shower, bachelorrette party, and wedding. I think that if you give a shower gift, then you shouldn't be expected to buy a gift for the wedding as well. Bachelorrette party, I'm willing to concede on because that usually has a naughtier theme so one would expect a non-wedding type gift. I spent so much money on this wedding, as a bridesmaid, that I pretty much decided that I wouldn't be one again, unless it was a close friend or family member.

Also, the bride got a little upset that I didn't RSVP. I figured that if I agreed to be in the wedding and came to all the rehearsals and parties, bought the damn dress and shoes, then its pretty clear that I'm going to attend. You could have saved that stamp by not even sending me an invitiation.

[dizzylizzy]

Don't trust Emily Post after the 1957 edition. After that it is her daughter and now grandson - not in the same league at all. I will dig out the old etiquette books and update.


Showers are the only social event that are exclusively gift-giving occasions; the only ones where it is actually improper to not bring a gift (maybe children's birthday parties). So an invitation to a shower is somewhat close to a solicitation for a gift. Having your sister solicit gifts on your behalf is improper in my book.