53 replies to this topic

[Dolphincorn]

Here's the idea: Using a contestant or cast member from any cycle, create a personal ad that doesn't mention that person's name, yet leaves nothing to the imagination regarding who the ad is for. Try to keep it short and sweet, like you were being charged fifty cents a word per day, and have fun!

I'll go first.

MUST LOVE RIBS: Former 30+ supermodel seeks secure, masculine companion for long walks on the beach and midnight portfolio viewings. Experience detangling hair extensions from bedposts an asset. Ability to cry on cue during post-breakup, on-camera confronations during November sweeps also a plus.

[Oholibamah]

SELF PROCLAIMED PUNK ROCKER: Former Jehovah's whitness turned stripper-wannabe is seeking a new lover, as my stupid, stupid boyfriend and his stupid, stupid untrimmed facial hair has decided to leave me for another stupid, stupid bitch. Hobbies include stealing secrets, listening to psychobilly and other such pretentious genres of music, and trashtalking others behind their backs. Although this hotty bears a striking resemblance to LOTR's Golem, has corn for teeth, and can only provide one facial expression, you totally wanna get. with. this.

(I feel bad, because I secretly loved her beyond reasoning, but whatever. This is television without pity.)

[rustyspigot]

LOOKING FOR THE WOOOAAAOOW FACTOR - Former "party girl"/current comatose in search of work model looking for Mr. Right. Must love grooming my sideburns, hanging out in Walgreens, and offering unsolicited advice on Cover Girl makeup. A metronome-like voice and overall greasiness a plus!

[Eat A Cookie]

INCONTINENT DRINKER LOOKING FOR "COUSIN IT" :


Were you in Los Angeles for a couple months last year, and do you have a wild growth of long, flowing hair down your back? If so, I'm looking for you. We shared such good times over those glasses of wine - I think about you all the time. You were the only person that understood me, and I can't believe I let you get away. I see you on that grassy knoll, and it pains me to know I took you for advantage. My bladder yearns for you.

[ghettofabman]

CHEESE STENCHED SHORTY SEEKS GRANOLA BAR GOODIE: Poofy haired Harlemite boutique street rat in search of Mr. Right. This young seductress has the grand ability to sell you the best chocolate with a voice that sounds like Patty and Selma Bouvier. This young starlet wannabe has the sweetest personality you would ever find...just don't touch her granola bars! She will fuck you up, empty out your precious Red Bulls, and invoke the name of G*d to justify her foul behavior. In short, if you want some of her bitter chocolate, bring your own granola, fellas. BYOB....Bring Your Own Benadryls as well.

Edited by ghettofabman, May 23, 2006 @ 3:07 AM.

[Coolsnesses]

"WONDERFUL & FABULOUS" DRAG QUEEN SEEKS OWN SHENIS : Yo. I lost my shenis in the belly of the beast, aka New York City. Or was it in the Janice Dickinson room back in LA? There is no wonderfulnesses and fabulousnazz in this "Leftover Lady"'s life without it. I'm a soldier "sissy", recognize! Please contact 1-800-LOST-SHENIS if found. Thank you.

[baybeemagnet]

"TUBBY BUT FIERCE": Rapidly balooning supermodel searching for male model that won't make innapropriate grunting noises. Being told to shuuut uuuup a turn off. Dirty in underwear a turn on. Must enjoy the simple thrills of life, like pushing competition out of the way when trying to open a door and food. Wants to learn more about Nelson Mandela. Fetishes include: Being in a coffin 6 feet underground with a doughnut and playing dress up (especially as an elephant). Must tolerate constant belching.

Edited by baybeemagnet, May 23, 2006 @ 6:32 AM.

[Dolphincorn]

Gawd! I thought this was going to be funny, but I had no idea! Thanks to everyone who has participated so far. You guys are hilarious!

[rustyspigot]

Biracial Butterfly Seeks Kindred Spirit: The next undiscovered supermodel requests a soulmate to share a million lifetimes with. You must enjoy being fluffed, listen to incoherent poetry, frolic with preposterous dinosaurs, see with your third eye, and twirl. You will not have an ounce of arrogance and will keep your hands below the eyes. Recognize.

[AndrewM]

FORMER NERD SEEKS MAN IN TOUCH WITH EMOTIONS-
Looking for someone who's willing to accept that I'm no longer the gangly awkward Walgreen's employee that I once was and accept my transformation. I tend to like guys that are able to cry, because there's nothing wrong with being in touch with your emotions. Likes- Italy, Italians, hot tubs in Italy, frequent romps to Italy, Milan. Dislikes- Cheaters. So help me God, if you cheat on me, I will cut your penis off.

Edited by AndrewM, May 23, 2006 @ 10:05 PM.

[Coolsnesses]

HORSEY FOREIGN MODEL LOOKING FOR EQUALLY HORSEY PARTNER : Hello. My name eez Elsa Benitez. I ahm a CoverGirl. I smell like cupcakes! Must enjoy talking about CoverGirl products, zey are so vonderful and I can't express how much I love zem, zey smell like cupcakes! Partner muzz smell like cupcakes too and have zee ability to bake vonderful and fabulous cupcakes. If unable to do so, then you are seemply 'orrible!

[Sweetxcape]

Sexy Eve In search of Adam

HOWWWWWWWWW Ex-cell-unt.... Ex-cell-unt... would it be for me to find my soul mate? Gentile, southern SBF, former beauty queen, in search of SBM. Requirements: tall , dark and handsome. Must attend church three times daily and be able to quote bible scriptures on demand while in public, but also be ready to 'be lustin' while in private. Likes: reading the bible, quoting the bible, bashing people over the head with the bible, and ametuer strip tease contests. Dislikes: hypocrites, people who are smarter than me, and hypocritical people who are smarter than me.

Edited by Sweetxcape, May 24, 2006 @ 10:27 AM.

[Dolphincorn]

I JUST LOVE GOING ON DATES! They're just so nice to go on. SWF seeks SOM who will coach me and coddle me and ask me how I'm feeling. I'm very very very sensitive. Maybe we can talk on the phone first and get to know each other, unless that bald bitch is still on it. Wahhhhhhhhh!

Edited by Dolphincorn, May 24, 2006 @ 10:33 AM.

[LoganTheHuge]

You guys are KILLING me with these ads! I'm rolling on the floor covered in rib sauce.

Sexy, smart and slightly insecure SAF seeking any hot-blooded male EXCEPT Asian men. Ewwwww! Must hate cockroaches and love to bite. If you're ready to get nibbled on, drop me a line (unless you're an Asian male...ewwww).

[RedHotRevolver]

"The Other Sister" seeks Simple-Minded Man for intelligent conversation. Looking for a man to respond with a quick "Ok!" to whatever she says, to accompany her to Fashion Week for about 4 weeks. Call her Snow White cause this sassy lady's pale ass will blind you for days. Hobbies include chugging redbull, keeping her mouth open, lecturing on birds, and repeating the phrase "That is whack!" about 5 years too late. Hurry up and snatch her up gentlemen, because this one has teeth for days.

[dancer]

America's Undiscovered Supermodel seeks hissing cockroach for fondling and tender kisses. Together we will dwelve into unchartered territories....

[rustyspigot]

Need Not Reply: I was writing this as a joke to make myself laugh. Don't write nothin' to me. If I'd a shut up writing to you, don't write nothin' to me, 'cause I ain't writin' nothin' else to you, and you don't know me like that to be sitting up here gettin' an attitude over writing nothing. If we didn't get our personal ads kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now, because I ain't wrote shit to you. Otherwise, you must love rainbows.

Thanks Potes for having that link in the last episode recap. Saved me the time to have to find it!

Edited by rustyspigot, May 24, 2006 @ 5:50 PM.

[baybeemagnet]

GIRL WITH PRIORITES: Indian hottie. Stereotypically smart. Will be the greatest girl you've ever been on a date with. Right when the moment is right will break it to you that I prefer your brother, he's what I'm really interested in doing!

(Ok. I haven't even seen this early in cycle 3, but I know my contestants regardless. I thought that last sentence would be funny.)

[ghettofabman]

Sexy Eve In search of Adam

HOWWWWWWWWW Ex-cell-unt.... Ex-cell-unt... would it be for me to find my soul mate? Gentile, southern SBF, former beauty queen, in search of SBM. Requirements: tall , dark and handsome. Must attend church three times daily and be able to quote bible scriptures on demand while in public, but also be ready to 'be lustin' while in private. Likes: reading the bible, quoting the bible, bashing people over the head with the bible, and ametuer strip tease contests. Dislikes: hypocrites, people who are smarter than me, and hypocritical people who are smarter than me.

Ooh, git 'im, git 'im, git 'im, git 'im!

Ooh, Jeeesus, JEEEEEEEEEESUS!

Need Not Reply: I was writing this as a joke to make myself laugh. Don't write nothin' to me. If I'd a shut up writing to you, don't write nothin' to me, 'cause I ain't writin' nothin' else to you, and you don't know me like that to be sitting up here gettin' an attitude over writing nothing. If we didn't get our personal ads kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now, because I ain't wrote shit to you. Otherwise, you must love rainbows.

Brilliance! Sheer brilliance. Although I wish it would have started out "My boyfriend din't want me no mo!"

GOLDEN DELICIOUS PIGGY SEEKS DOWN ASS CHICK: First of all, she didn't even KNOW she wanted a bitch! This golden brown porcine shorty seeks out the strong, clingy, athletic type. With a walk that reminds you of a cud chewing cow, this little piggy will knock your socks off or make your ears bleed with her sinewy nasal voice. Ladies, prepare for your carpets for a deep scrub, 'cause this little piggy is ready to bring it all the way home. No Tarantulas allowed, please.

Edited by ghettofabman, May 29, 2006 @ 12:22 PM.

[Coolsnesses]

BISEXUAL WRESTLER, "COME AND GRAPPLE WITH ME" : I'm a very quiet and reserved person sometimes, but I do have a wild side and make out with guys/girls on TV! I'm also very fem.. fenimi.. fem.. skip that word, although some may think I'm not. Must enjoy picking off scabies off my face. Must attend "Impetigo Victim" events with me. Must wrestle with me, anywhere, anytime. Must also brush my teeth everytime, floss them, buy Crest Whitestrips for me. God, I mean.. Mama Tyra knows I need them! Must also sew my Christmas outfit which totally makes people scream in fright/delight, "CAMELTOE!" if my outfit were to rip at my womanly space, since it's so.. tight. Enjoys being photographed in a grave while wearing "Furonda's Tiara" and a purple dress with drag queen style make-up. Oh yes, one more thing, you must enjoy stroking my shenis.

(Note : I forgot about how the outift mentioned up there looked like, except I remember it was white, and we could totally see cameltoe. Plus her teeth looked so yellow in the picture. And it was a Christmas outfit, wasn't it?)

[LoganTheHuge]

Need Not Reply: I was writing this as a joke to make myself laugh.

Beyond genius, Spigot. Well played, well played.

[Dolphincorn]

I'LL BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOU, but if I don't, it's your fault. I believed in you! We all believed in you! I HAVE NEVER TYPED HARSH WORDS LIKE THESE TO A POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND WHO I STILL HAVEN'T MET IN MY LIFE! Sorry! Maybe we can talk about this later, on my talk show, but only if you're ready to apologize for your behavior and admit that Mama knows best.

[baybeemagnet]

TALL, BLONDE, BUT BEST OF ALL...BORING!:I believed in you! We all believed in you! I HAVE NEVER TYPED HARSH WORDS LIKE THESE TO A POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND WHO I STILL HAVEN'T MET IN MY LIFE! Sorry! Maybe we can talk about this later, on my talk show, but only if you're ready to apologize for your behavior and admit that Mama knows best.

Edited by baybeemagnet, May 27, 2006 @ 10:56 AM.

[Oholibamah]

Ladies, prepare for your carpets for a deep scrub, 'cause this little piggy is ready to bring it all the way home.

This? Killed me.

MUST LOVE ME! ME! ME!: This gorgeous African dancer is seeking a lover who is competitive, driven, and knows the difference between fake kenté hats and the real deal. He must be able to melt my 9-block wall that spells "lonely", shower me in compliments, and give me the required HAy-SPAY-TU. Everybody tells me that I am very humble; I am cultured, intelligent, worldly, amazing, gorgeous and deep. Did I mention humble? I am an Ivy league graduate who enjoys mirrors, facials, and arguing even when I'm not involved. I dislike humble pie, short piggy bitches, and being interrupted while on the telephone. If interrupted, I am susceptible to yelling fits of: "SHUT UP I'M ON THE PHAAAAAOOOOOOIIIIIIUUUUUUUUEEENNNNNE". If you're interested, write a 7-page application essay on how amazing I am, and how amazing I will be in the years to come.

Edited by Oholibamah, May 28, 2006 @ 5:12 PM.

[ghettofabman]

BULIMIC STRIPPER SEEKS OVERWEIGHT LOVER: This tall, blonde haired Midwestern drink of muddy water seeks out that one special guy who will refer to all her problems as "that thing". She will definitely treat you like the pimp that you are. Her hobbies include twurking that thang up against a fish-stenched stripper's pole, droppin' it like it's hot in La Perla lingerie, curling over a toilet seat, and baking fresh, low-carb brownies! This young whippersnapper is one to be desired...just don't tell her that you prefer a smaller hip or write "Clean Your Shit!" in her precious brownies...Bitch will go POSTAL on yo' ass!!

Edited by ghettofabman, May 29, 2006 @ 12:30 PM.

[moovoo]

I'LL HANG YOUR COAT: Fierce, fabulous SBF from Arkansas, truly out of this world. We'll enjoy dancing to the beat of our own drum, one-finger massages, and steamy phone conversations. I'll give you rules to follow so you can play my game.

[rustyspigot]

LET'S DEVELOP CHEMISTRY: Nigerian beauty with brains seeks any man I can get my hands on who doesn't own a phone. Must be lacking scraggly face hair and avoid rubbing my head. (phone ringing in the background) Oh shit, it's him. I am currently in a relationship, but nobody's perfect. Please respond, but again DON'T call me. Kisses!

[Dolphincorn]

HELP DIG MY EMOTIONAL GRAVE: Needy creep, possibly attractive if groomed properly and then set into an entirely different context, searching for aspiring supermodel. My turn-ons include long hours spent talking on the phone and surprise visits when you least expect it. My turn-offs include guys who remind me of my own inadequacies, a problem that my shrink tells me is rooted in my latent homosexual desires. Must love hair gel.

[k8sox]

Is that Nigel? I don't get the phone reference...

[Dolphincorn]

It's Nnenna's boyfriend, John.