Jump to content

"Touche, magic hallway!": Favorite Scrubs quotes


This topic has been archived. This means that you cannot reply to this topic.

581 replies to this topic

#1

dazzy

dazzy

    Stalker

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 11:31 AM

I just used one of my favorite JD quotes for the title, if anyone else thinks of a better one, feel free to change it! I think this is going to be one of my most visited threads from now on.

another of my favorites:
JD-"Why are we lying in the parking lot?"
Turk-"Your hook shot knocked you unconscious, so I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'."

Edited by dazzy, Mar 10, 2006 @ 11:32 AM.


#2

atlantic

atlantic

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 12:03 PM

From "My Best Friend's Mistake"


JD's Thoughts: Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl, for once.
JD: I miss you so much it hurts, sometimes.


...and at the end of the episode....


JD: I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.
Turk: Yeah, I know... I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.

Edited by atlantic, Mar 10, 2006 @ 12:07 PM.


#3

emma675

emma675

    Fanatic

  • Location:Texas

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 12:16 PM

From a ton of episodes...

Elliot: "Frick!"

#4

zuckercornballr

zuckercornballr

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 1:51 PM

Laverne: Heyyy Poopie.

#5

Budweiser88

Budweiser88

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 2:31 PM

So glad Scrubs has been added! Dr Cox is my favorite character so here are a few of my favorite lines from him.

Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now.

Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?
[Carla stares at him]
Dr. Cox: Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...
[hits the table]
Dr. Cox: ... and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV.
[whispering remorsefully]
Dr. Cox: God save me, it was barely out of the box.
[Carla continues to stare at him]
Dr. Cox: The point is... Newbie is my drunk baby.

Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...

#6

RyanLV

RyanLV

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 2:54 PM

Dr. Cox from "My Office":

"I'll tell you there Bobb-o, either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."

#7

Spyder

Spyder

    Channel Surfer

  • Location:Austin, TX
  • Interests:I'm going to go ahead and say television.

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 4:38 PM

Dr. Cox from "My Common Enemy"

"Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I do naive bubbleheaded optimists who walk around vomitting sunshine."

#8

skillzdatkillz

skillzdatkillz

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 4:42 PM

I love whenever Laverne says in the way she does: "Jesus knows"

#9

IseutLaBrune

IseutLaBrune

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 5:02 PM

Woo-hoo! A Scrubs thread! Between this and The Office threads, I may never see natural daylight again.

Some of my favorite Cox-isms:

"You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall."

Julie: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nausea, impotence and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: And, I'm getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.

"Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'"

"You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29."

"By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments."

"People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings." (ETA: Ooh, Spyder beat me to this one. But I'm keeping it here because it's geee-heeee-nius.)

"I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!...Oh, and Hugh Jackman."

Hee! I love Hugh Jackman, but I also love Cox's seething random hatred of Hugh Jackman.

Edited by IseutLaBrune, Mar 10, 2006 @ 5:03 PM.


#10

emmanya

emmanya

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 5:02 PM

Dr Cox and Jordan are giving each other a stare-out and J.D just has to break the silence by saying:

Banana Hammock!

And my most favouritist Janitor rant:

A wad of paper flies into shot and falls at the Janitor's feet. He looks down at it and picks it up. He looks up and sees Turk in the "free throw" pose.

Janitor: You know, loose debris can get sucked up into the air conditioning vents. And when that happens, I have to spend the entire day crawling around inside the wall, and I don't like that. You know why? 'Cause there's not enough air. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid. So here's the thing: you don't throw around loose trash, and I won't have to waste an entire workday granting the wishes of imaginary fisherman. 'Kay?

#11

bluezombie2

bluezombie2

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 6:56 PM

From My Clean Break.

Cox and Jordan are in the park with Jack. Random lady walks over with her baby.

Random Lady: (To Jack) Hi Cutie. (To Cox and Jordan) Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be over-stimulating for an infant, Brantley here was just wondering if he could borrow one to play with?

Cox: Well, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice.

Jordan: Oh, oh! He also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.

Cox: Yeah. (Lady leaves) I love our family.

I'm constantly laughing at this show, but nothing has cracked me up as much as this. No matter how many times I watch that opening scene.

#12

Bearnuckle

Bearnuckle

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 6:58 PM

"Dr Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?"
"Why no, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns..."

#13

jcpdiesel21

jcpdiesel21

    Stalker

  • Location:Springfield, MO

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 8:29 PM

I love it when Cox says "reheheheally."

Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

#14

youdidntseeme23

youdidntseeme23

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 9:33 PM

Oh god. I was content, you know? 1 out of the 8 shows I watch (yes I know, too bleebleeblahblahboo! BTW, when I first posted this "too bleebleeblahblahboo" was replaced with "bleebleeblahblahboo!" Any thoughts, haha?) wasn't really on TWoP.

I may honestly die right now!!! Scrubs has always been my favorite! And my favorite (recent, that I've been repeating in school everyday since Tuesday) quote:

J.D.: "He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples, he makes apple pies, and apple juices with them."
Elliot: "Paco you can't talk remember? You lost you're tongue in that cider pressing accident. Now BACK to the pickers' bunkhouse with you!"
J.D.: "I hate dee pickers' bunkhouse."
J.D.'s Thoughts: "And I hate Keith..."


Edit! I understand why "bleebleeblahblahboo" keeps appearing! I've decided to leave it because I officially LOVE it!

Edited by youdidntseeme23, Mar 10, 2006 @ 9:39 PM.


#15

ChickenPotPiiie

ChickenPotPiiie

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 10:05 PM

J.D.: "He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples, he makes apple pies, and apple juices with them."


Better yet, it was actually "apples pie" and I think "apples juices" too.

#16

Shalamar

Shalamar

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 10:15 PM

I dunno if I like this because it's hysterically funny, or because Dr. Cox was oddly sexy saying it. Oh, hell, it's both.

From My Case Study:

Turk: I don't get it, Dr. Wen. Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk than usual?
Dr. Wen: Well, tonight after work, Dr. Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner. Then, after they've toasted to forty wonderful years together, they'll go home and....
Dr. Cox: *miming spanking someone's ass during sex* Bam! *spank* Bam! *spank* Bam!
Carla: I actually think it's really sweet that at their age they still....
Dr. Cox: *both hands behind his head, really giving it all he's got* Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

#17

Big Kahuna

Big Kahuna

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 10, 2006 @ 11:11 PM

Some of my favorites that no one's listed yet...

Carla: Just listen to your heart.
J.D.: My heart hates uggos.

J.D.: (singing) I'm feeling so good today... (falls, then immediately gets back up and starts singing again) I still feel good, 'cause nobody saw me fall...

Elliot: She's the Peppermint Patty to my Marcy. Y'know, aside from the thick glasses and strong lesbian vibe. [It's really more Sarah Chalke's delivery that makes this one hilarious to me]

Laverne: Dr. Cox, would you like to try one of my homemade deviled eggs?
Dr. Cox: No thank you, I've already had diarrhea.

Turk: See, that's actually pronounced "analgesic," not "anal-gesic." Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is, how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp.

J.D.: Look, uh... (struggles to remember the Janitor's name) Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis, and noticed a possible melanoma on there that you should probably have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, while you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes. (Janitor is at a loss for words) Look, it was just a coincidence, man. I mean, if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

J.D.: They actually arrested someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No, they found twenty bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. (beat) Wait, did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper... (Janitor stares) I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

The Todd: Oh, Ms. Pac-Man, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl.

And I don't remember much of this one, but it was the exchange where J.D. tricked another doctor (Doug?) into asking "What's up, doc?" during a conference.

Edited by Big Kahuna, Mar 10, 2006 @ 11:16 PM.


#18

tonks

tonks

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 12:01 AM

Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that and just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile, and ate it.

Dr. Kelso: Good Lord!

#19

Azamiryou

Azamiryou

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 12:50 PM

Dr. Cox: I'm fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it would be called "Bring Back The Porn".

#20

Cleopatra

Cleopatra

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 12:50 PM

THE TODD: What, he can call you Smelliot but I'm not allowed to call you Vagina Face?
ELLIOT: It's not the same, Todd!
[Todd storms off in a huff].

#21

heyitsamber

heyitsamber

    Channel Surfer

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 1:25 PM

and who can forget

JD's mind: "Throw her down on that gurney and mount her like a lion!"

Elliot: "...and please stop leaving bedpans in my locker, they make me cry."

Patient (the one who is always admitted because his friends and family beat him up): "Too frank? Thats what my mom said when she pushed me down the stairs. She is fat though. Aaaand boring."

Laverne: "You don't have to apologize to me. You will have to answer to jesus."

and of course

Imaginary Opera Guy: "Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!"

#22

skillzdatkillz

skillzdatkillz

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 1:25 PM

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.

Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the nude...and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.

Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early" -- it's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.

Oh Bob-O, so kind yet so cruel in just a fration of a second.

#23

Pulpbomb

Pulpbomb

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 3:00 PM

Janitor: Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.
Randall: Burn down her apartment.
Troy: I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.
Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys.

Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? WhasSUP

Edited by Pulpbomb, Mar 11, 2006 @ 3:12 PM.


#24

Philip Carey

Philip Carey

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 4:09 PM

From episode 1.12: Elliot is jus' jellus that JD is Cox' go-to-guy and tries to win Cox' respect:

Elliot: Dr. Cox! I got the Kayexalate _and_ I pulled all the x-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night -- do whatever you want with me. Oh! My God! Um, that totally came out wrong! I just--I meant that I want you to use me, and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No...no! No, it's just that I know you like torturing people, and I am totally up for that. [whines] I just want to make you happy!
Nurse Roberts: Marshmallow, hush.
Dr. Cox: This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands. Get over here.
Elliot: Ready and rearing!
Dr. Cox: Not you. Ginger, get the lead out! [whistles] Come on.
J.D.: Excuse me.
Dr. Cox: It puts the lotion on the skin.
J.D.: Oh, so you can do movies and I can't.
Dr. Cox: It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin -- gimme a break!
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Man!


From episode 2.05:J.D. walks into the hospital, sporting a white lab coat.

J.D.'s Narration: Work seems different now that I'm a resident; I feel more confident, more like a -- hell, I'll say it -- a doctor.
J.D.: Good morning, people! [No one notices him. A woman passes.]
J.D.: You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
Woman: I work here.
J.D.: That still doesn't change the fact that you're gonna be fine!
Dr. Cox: Why...in the hell are you wearing a coat?
J.D.: 'Cause I'm a doctor.
Dr. Cox: Look, Babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.
J.D.: Well, I look doctorly!
Dr. Cox: No, you look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel, and then tells everybody to call him "Sarge." And Newbie, nobody likes that guy. Not a soul. [He walks off.]
Janitor: I was in the military.
J.D.: Where did you come from!?
Janitor: If I find out you're wearing a bronzie, without having served, I'm gonna make things uncomfortable for you.
J.D.[VO]: Coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.
J.D.: You were never in the military.
Janitor: Yes, I was.
J.D.: Which branch?
Janitor: The...janitor branch. [Scared of JD actually having some balls for once, he flees.]
J.D.: I'm watching you. [The Janitor looks back over his shoulder.]
J.D.: That's right, Sasquatch.
J.D.[VO]: You see, things have changed.



#25

Shalamar

Shalamar

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 6:42 PM

JD: I can't believe I just walked naked through the hallway singing Me and Bobby McGee.
Turk: You didn't.
JD: How did you know?
Turk: Okay, I'm not very proud of this, but - the truth is, I can pick your boy out of a lineup.
JD: Well, uh, he's different from the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.

#26

shortstop

shortstop

    Just Tuned In

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 8:09 PM

Just this for now:

NURSE: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
TODD: In your endo.

Hee.

#27

Memphispopsicle

Memphispopsicle

    Loyal Viewer

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 8:49 PM

Turk - Why's it gotta be a color commentary? <- Favorite quote ever

I've got too many favorites to even single out one other to put down. I'll have to think about this.

#28

liquidguy

liquidguy

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 8:58 PM

Todd: Why won't any women talk to me?
Nurse: Because you're slimy. And you turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: Not true.
[Nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk]
Turk: Go ahead.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre.

Edited by liquidguy, Mar 11, 2006 @ 10:54 PM.


#29

skillzdatkillz

skillzdatkillz

    Fanatic

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 9:05 PM

Haha liquidguy that's one of my favourite The Todd-ism. Because by that time he's earned the right to abuse sayings like that.

I remember also when Dr. Wen made fun of Turk having Carla babying him in the surgical room to which The Todd:

"Good one Dr. Wen! STERILE Hi-Five!"

#30

anybodysfool07

anybodysfool07

    Couch Potato

Posted Mar 11, 2006 @ 11:32 PM

The Todd: The Todd appreciates hot regardless of gender.