Best TV Burn: Insults we loved
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 6:17 PM
For me, most of the best burns are on That 70's Show. Especially the ones delivered to Kelso.
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 6:40 PM
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 6:44 PM
Med Student: you're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low cut blouse. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 6:57 PM
I suppose Julia Sugarbaker's "Designing Women" retort to Suzanne ("If sex were fast food, there'd be an arch over your bed") would be a good burn - even if it were just a retread from "Filthy Rich". It is a funny line, though.
From "Friends", when Rachel was going to London to tell Ross she loved him, and had told the story to random airplane passenger, the other passenger, clearly annoyed by her prattle, concluded his remarks by saying "and it's quite obvious that you were on a break." I like that little taste of "so there".
Nothing, though, pleased me more than when Edith Bunker got in a good one on Archie. TV wives today are so cavalier with the insults that they come off like bullies. However, when Archie just went so far with it that Edith had enough, it was GOLD.
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 7:01 PM
From "Friends", when Rachel was going to London to tell Ross she loved him, and had told the story to random airplane passenger, the other passenger, clearly annoyed by her prattle, concluded his remarks by saying "and it's quite obvious that you were on a break."
And I believe that other passenger was played by Hugh Laurie, now appearing as Dr. House, so he's a twofer right on the first page.
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 7:57 PM
Maisy: My friends have all abandoned me... I guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree (pleasant, smiling): Oh, honey. They didn't abandon you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.
And then she took her muffins back and left her in prison. Marcia Cross does catty bitchiness really well.
Edited by americana19, Sep 3, 2005 @ 7:58 PM.
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 8:37 PM
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 10:23 PM
Oscar is angry at Murray the cop, played by Al Molinaro, whose giant schnoz was legendary: "I'd break his nose, but I've only got two hands."
Felix to Murray: "Murray, come in! You're breathing up all the air in the hall."
The guys appear on the game show "Password," and Felix is giving Oscar esoteric clues that no one would be able to figure out, but which Felix believes are incredibly clever. Oscar tells him: "Great clues? If Charlie Chan had these clues, he'd be running a laundry."
Felix, once again complaining about Oscar's notoriously messy room, picks up a newspaper from the floor and reads, "Well, whadda ya know, Lucky Lindy made it!"
Howard Cosell guests on the show. Oscar makes him angry and Howard says, "Don't worry, Madison, maybe someday someone will ask you to endorse something, like illiteracy."
Oscar is a guest on a talk show, and ends up making fun of Felix's cleanliness, so he tells the host: "The Germans gave him a medal for the most hygienic barracks." (Watching it at home with Murray, Felix yells at the TV, "I threw it in their faces!")
The guys are discussing gliding, going up in a plane without an engine.
Felix: "Why would a man do a thing like that?"
Oscar: "Why would a man shampoo a rug three times a week?"
Wolfman Jack (any other fossils remember him, the famous NYC deejay?) listens to Felix's original song, "Happy and Peppy and Bursting with Love," and says "Man, I dig sound, I dig all kinds of sounds, but your song brought me down."
When the guys are planning a costume for "Let's Make a Deal," Oscar puts a police hat and a Groucho nose-and-glasses on Felix and says, "You can go as Murray's younger brother!"
Posted Sep 3, 2005 @ 11:04 PM
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 4:04 AM
Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?
Diane: The fat, braying ass would.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 6:14 AM
"Sleeping with me was just business? Then I'd hate to think what that makes you."
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 7:32 AM
Noelle: *I* am breaking up with *you*.
George: You can't break up with me! I've got hand!
Noelle: And you're gonna need it.
Cracks me up every time.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 8:08 AM
Blackadder- 'Baldrick, your brain is like the two-headed man eating fish beast of Aberdeen'
Baldrick- 'In what way?'
Blackadder- 'It doesn't exist'.
And from 'Vic Reeves Big Night Out'
Lister- 'You know what I hate most about you, Reeves?'
Vic Reeves- 'No, what?'
Lister- 'Your top half!'
Edited by Gulftastic, Sep 4, 2005 @ 8:27 AM.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 10:52 AM
They're at a restaurant, and some sort of flambe has just been placed before them:
Lucille: You might want to wait for the fire to go out before shoving your face in it.
Lindsay: Ah, thatís funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since youíre soaked in alcohol.
Lucille: Mine was better.
That last line cracks me up. If House owns this thread, Lucille should at least tie.
Edited by OraBrooch, Sep 4, 2005 @ 10:53 AM.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 11:12 AM
(Niles and Frasier having an argument)
Niles: Are you insane?!
Frasier: If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!
And then there's this classic from Letterman's show-
CHER: No. Actually, I don't know, because I thought that I would never want to do this show with you.
LETTERMAN: Now why? Now, let's explore this a little. Why, because you thought I was --
CHER: An asshole.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 1:04 PM
Veronica: You prank called Mandy?
Idiot: What if I did?
Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.
Idiot: Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 1:25 PM
Max (Christmas eppy): Hey Kyle! I've got some mistletoe in my backpocket. Why don't you kiss my ass!
Max: Kyle, if you open my little black book, your face will melt like wax. It's that whole Raiders of the Lost Ark thing.
Kyle: I'll take my chances. After all, I've seen you in the morning and survived.
Kyle: I researched my family history and found out that my great great grandfather invited the prototype for the first sippable straw!
Max: So basically, your family has sucked for generations.
Edited by fictionista, Sep 4, 2005 @ 1:35 PM.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 2:32 PM
I use that all the time.
Dracula to Xander: You are strange and off-putting.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 3:08 PM
"Oh and by the way, their real. And Spectacular."
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 3:14 PM
Hotel guest: This was supposed to be my table; I did ask the waiter.
Fawlty: Well, he's hopeless, isn't he? You might as well ask the cat.
Fawlty has been secretly betting on the horses and won a load of cash. His wife stumbles onto him caressing his winnings and reads him the riot act:
Sybil: You know what I'll do if I find out that money is yours?
Fawlty [calling after her as she stalks angrily away]: You'd have to sew 'em back on first.
To his wife,about something: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject -- the bleeding obvious.
On the phone to a contractor: Hello?... Ah, yes, Mr O'Reilly. Well, it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile, you might have found time to cement them together. You know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 6:53 PM
Alex: (speech speech speech)...so may you go to Hell tomorrow, Roger!
Roger: I'll take Hell any day, it's got to beat marriage to you. That's what this is all about. Why don't you tell the good people why you hate me so much? Why you're so unhappy with your son's choice of a wife? Tell 'em, come on! You just can't stand losing yet another man to Mindy Lewis's bed!
Nick: Shut up, Thorpe!
Dylan: Roger, you slime! You satisfied?
Roger: (throws Dylan off the balcony) Come on! Let's talk about this. Let's talk about this subpeona I've just been handed, you know, the big battle for Spaulding? Nothing more than the raging sexual jealousy of a woman scorned! She can't forgive me for leaving her bed for Mindy's, and I don't think there's an honest man in this joint who could blame me!
Alex: You (clanker?)! All you have ever cared about in your whole life was power!
Roger: Yeah, and you loved the power I had over you! Didn't you? You thought I was your last chance at happiness. You know what? I was! Who have you now?
Alex: Happiness? With you? You couldn't make a dog happy!
Roger: I sure had a dog's life with you and how you put me through tricks, lady! Been dragging me into your bedroom all hours of the day to service you!
Alex: Well, it's too bad you weren't up to the job. All you ever wanted was someone to stroke your MASSIVE EGO!
Roger: Yeah right, well I'd get more comfort from a toothless street whore than I ever got from you!
Alex: Because the whores you picked to sleep with didn't give you any comfort, did they?
Roger: Woah Nick, did you hear what Mom just called your bride-to-be?
Nick: Shut up, Thorpe!
Alex: (slaps Roger)
Roger: (slaps Alex)
Ah, good times. I miss Michael Zaslow/Roger Thorpe so much.
Another favorite is a line from Holly shortly after Roger's death. His son, Sebastian, is telling her how good it felt when she hugged him earlier, and he's describing it in the most odd way, as if her touch was some sort of healing power.
Holly: Should I tell you how bizarre that sounds or would you like me to remain polite?
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 7:03 PM
"I wasn't thinking about you while you were here."
That is all.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 7:12 PM
Beverley to Karen: I see you're here all alone now that your husband is in the Big House.
Karen: Oh, every house is a big house to you!
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 9:44 PM
Baldrick, while helping Blackadder with a prank, accidentally builds a working time machine. Blackadder notes that this makes him the greatest genius on Earth. Then he finds out that Baldrick was too lazy to put numbers on the destination date section, so they can't get home. "Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Balders."
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 9:45 PM
"You're not so pretty. You're not so special."
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 9:47 PM
"he's the most overrated person since Judas Iscariot won the AD 30 best Apostle award."
"For the past 3 years the western front has been about as likely to move as a Frenchman living next to a brothel..."
"Feild Marshall Haig was looking for ways to improve morale."
"His resignation and suicide would be an ideal solution."
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 11:28 PM
Man: Why don't you give her another chance?
Lucinda: NO! She's been given lots of chances and blown them all. And NOT figuratively.
Posted Sep 4, 2005 @ 11:49 PM
Blackadder: What are you wearing around your neck?
Percy: Ah! It's my new ruff!
Blackadder: You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well, don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick--you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
Prince George: Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life.
Blackadder: Tell me all, sir.
Prince George: Well, as you know, when I set out, I looked divine. At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
Blackadder: And, I daresay, quite a few stomachs.
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet, Ploppy, you are, without a doubt, the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.
Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating, haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackaddr: It doesn't exist.