209 replies to this topic

[clear]

1. The internet is strange and scary, and the only people who use it are pedophiles or stalkers. It is impossible to understand if you are over 30.

2. Hudson University has a higher mortality rate than Sub-Saharan Africa, Riker's Island and heroin combined. Its liability insurance is higher than the GDP of most countries.

3. In New York, ADAs are young, female, and look like models. Sometimes they are black men, but that's an exception.

4. Contrary to popular belief, it's pretty easy to get a criminal to confess to a police officer or in court. And no one ever calls for a mistrial or rules it inadmissible.

5. TV stars from the 80s and 90s, if they can't find work once their show is cancelled, move to NYC and commit sex crimes.

[Eris Rising]

A properly motivated Executive District Attorney can try twenty-two seperate complex and highly publicized cases over the course of one year without batting an eyelash. And win the vast majority of them, if not all.

[Learned Hand]

The only reason to wear any sort of jewelry on your wrists or arms is if you're 14 and you want to advertise the kinky sex acts you're willing to perform on older men.

Law enforcement in outer boroughs, commuter suburbs, upstate, and -- oh, hell -- the rest of the country is uniformly incompetent, bumbling, provincial and not hot.

Edited by Learned Hand, Mar 8, 2005 @ 6:42 PM.

[Sing1118]

99% of all crimes committed outside of New York City occur in Virginia. The other 1% occur in New Jersey.

[captain sam]

If you receive a severe injury--i.e., getting shot in the heart--you will recover quickly and painlessly and your injury will never be mentioned again except perhaps in the passing.

Judges in Canada are equally willing as the judges in America to snark on prosecutors.

Edited by captain sam, Mar 8, 2005 @ 6:53 PM.

[catnip]

99% of all crimes committed outside of New York City occur in Virginia. The other 1% occur in New Jersey.

I think there was a crime in Baltimore once.

Evil people are everywhere. Most rich people are evil (at the very least, every rich family includes at least one evil person). Most teenagers are evil. With the exception of those who consult for the police department, all mental health professionals are evil.

If you're the first person to be brought to the police station to be interrogated about a particular crime, you're probably innocent.

If you find a dead body anywhere other than inside a private home, it will turn out to be someone you don't know.

Edited by catnip, Mar 8, 2005 @ 9:48 PM.

[add_duck]

at the very least, every rich family includes at least one evil person

As a corollary to that rule, if you are an old family friend of the DA, you or some member of your family is irredeemably evil.

[Rockville]

If you work for the DA's office or the NYC police department, you have very little or no private life.

Parking in this city will kill you.

Nearly all dead bodies are discovered facing up; most of those are neatly arranged.

[mattmarcotte]

If you work for the DA's office or the NYC police department, you have very little or no private life.

Unless, of course, you work in SVU, in which case you have some reason for doing so, as you take it personally.

Prosecutors and cops are invariably noble and looking out for what's good for us.

Corollary: Defense attorneys are, by definition, scum.

[Tarheel]

Nearly all dead bodies are discovered facing up; most of those are neatly arranged.

In addition, most of the victims in NYC appear to be (or have been) young, surprisingly buff, and decidedly attractive members of the general population.

All Columbians are drug lords. All Russians live in Brighton Beach and work for the Mafia. All Chinese are involved in high level political corruption and/or gangs in Chinatown. Unless of course the member of said ethnic minority is a woman, in which case she will be a sex slave, mail order bride, garment worker, domestic servant, or other such abused and powerless entity.

Foster parents are evil!

The victims lie!

Edited by Tarheel, Mar 9, 2005 @ 6:37 PM.

[Eris Rising]

The perpetrator of a crime is rarely the first person you pull in. On the few occasions it is, said perpetrator will be considered innocent again for a short while before the police ralize that they had the right person the first time. It's never questioning to booking to trial to guilty verdict.

[Zoned Out]

Younger detectives or ADAs must be paired with a grizzled, sarcastic (and yet lovable) partner.

Women police detectives are only for taking down phones messages for the real detectives. However, they can jump straight from that to being a Lieutenant.

[Tarheel]

If you are a tough female cop, you will be stalked at least every other year.

[sravenk]

at the very least, every rich family includes at least one evil person

As a corollary to that rule, if you are an old family friend of the DA, you or some member of your family is irredeemably evil.

And as a corollary to both of those rules, if your rich family has a living matriarch, she is the evil force. Even if her son happens to be the perpetrator of the crime du jour, it is undoubtedly directly or indirectly her fault.

In fact, mothers in general are to blame for the sins of their sons (and occasionally their daughters), rich or poor.

Also, closeted gay men are rapists and murderers, and lesbians don't exist, simply because they have a habit of disappearing into a void approximately four-to-six-seconds after declaring their sexual identity.

[Tarheel]

closeted gay men are rapists and murderers

In the rare case that they are not rapists or murderers, closeted gay people are victims who either die a horrible death or are suddenly discovered to be HIV positive as a consequence of living a secret life. Sometimes both.

If lesbians or bisexuals do exist for more than five seconds, they are usually murderers or sociopaths who will sleep with anyone just to get what they want (for further information see: annoying multi-identitied Nicole Wallace woman on Criminal Intent; lesbian perp in the "cupcake party" episode of Mothership)

Edited by Tarheel, Mar 9, 2005 @ 8:56 PM.

[Curare]

I learned that if you get taken into the interrogation room you should never drink anything because the cops will not let you go to the bathroom. The cops can and will lie to you but you can't lie to the cops because you know that's fair.

[Schroeder]

I've learned that young, rich, hansome white boys are all callous, are all about having sex, are all about taking what they want because they deserve it and that they have no regard for anyone else's life except their own.

But they're never killers. Just red herrings.

[clear]

And teenge girls are all sexually depraved whores who manipulate guys by performing lots of kinky sex. They also use sexto get guys to give them things. Especially if they go to private or Catholic school.

[pomme de terre]

It's because I'm a lesbian.

"It" being all my personal, professional, health, financial, and social problems.

Defense attorneys are, by definition, scum.

I object, your honor! Danielle Melnick rules! But maybe none of L&O mantras apply to her--she actually had a slow and painful recovery from being shot, which breaks the rule of gunshot wounds either a) killing you or b) allowing for a quick recovery.

Edited by pomme de terre, May 11, 2005 @ 1:54 PM.

[emzily]

Dead raped bodies are often found naked but the perp always has the decency to cover up the victim.

[clear]

CEOs of evil corporations have some pretty shitty lobbyist and donate like, no money to Congress, since they can be found legally liable for just about anything.

And their lawyers make Casey Novak look good.

[Pasta10]

If you are both a detective and a Dad, and have a teen-aged child, your child will inevitably be a friend to a poor little rich kid who lived a lonely life and died a horrible, lonely death. You will discuss this, empathetically and with tears, and will then take more interest in your own children, hence becoming a better father.

edited for grammer, which is probably still lousy

Edited by Pasta10, Mar 11, 2005 @ 11:35 PM.

[canadagirl78]

I've learned that if a College or University girl is raped, it invariably took place at a frat party. These frat parties arent' just small get togethers, either. These parties are attended by approximately three hundred people, none of whom happened to notice the frat boys dragging the semi-concious (she's been drugged, of course) young woman into a bedroom and locking the door.

[clear]

I've learned that if a College or University girl is raped, it invariably took place at a frat party

A frat party at Hudson.

[Zoned Out]

The most dangerous place in New York City is Central Park. If you dare to enter it you will either die or stumble upon a dead body. Or multiple dead bodies.

[idledandy]

The most dangerous place in New York City is Central Park.

Isn't it? Well, either that or the Upper West Side.

Cops and prosecutors from other jurisdictions, precincts, states, countries, etc. have no interest in helping you. They would rather the vilest criminals run free than have you on their turf.

Also, if you are a cop, you only care about the crime you are investigating. The only reason you might even mention other crimes is to give you leverage so a suspect might speak to you. You will never take action against prostitution, drugs, fraud, invasions of privacy, or anything that isn't directly related to the matter at hand.

Edited by idledandy, Mar 19, 2005 @ 3:18 PM.

[spacedog]

Santeria is an evil, evil religion worthy of mocking and contempt.

[indigo4]

I learned that if you get taken into the interrogation room you should never drink anything because the cops will not let you go to the bathroom.

Yeah, and then they'll use the drink container to get your fingerprints.

If you're a detective, the only reason someone in the DA's office would refuse to prosecute or help you get a search warrant is because she doesn't care as much as you do. Professional ethics and procedure are no excuse. But not to worry, about 15 seconds of bullying and guilt trips works every time.

[Eliot]

Police detectives are extraordinarily understanding and accommodating of my daily routine and quite adept at taking notes as I toss my observations over my shoulder at them while I complete my daily chores. They will trot along after me down the street, around corners, into storage rooms, and across factory floors, never once asking me to slow down or look them in the face while we talk.

And, even though I am obviously being evasive as hell, they will depart obligingly the moment I shoo them off saying, "Hey, I really gotta get to work now."

This is because I am a jaded New Yorker. Also? A lesbian.

[Zoned Out]

As a corollary to Eliot's rules: There are only two kinds of people that the police that the police question-

1) People who really don't want to talk to the cops, no matter how close a friend/relative the victim was. Despite the fact that this may be the most interesting and/or important thing that has ever happened to them, they use any excuse to get away from detectives whether it be getting back to work, getting to class, or having to pick up the kids. (Suspects will most likely fall into this group though they have an obvious reason for not wanting to talk to the cops.)

2) And there is a small group of people who are the nosy type and want to know everything and tell the detectives that they saw the exact same thing on a show or movie once. By the annoyed looks on the faces of the detectives I have learned that they would much prefer people that refuse to give them information than those that want to play amateur detective.