8135 replies to this topic

[TexasTallGal]

Here's the place to speculate on what horrors Shamdra will be concocting.

Romance:

Sandra has the perfect menu to fulfill an evening of romance with dreamy dishes to delight your loved one. She begins this intimate evening with sautéed artichoke, creamy cheese straws wrapped in filo with pesto, and a rib eye with chocolate-spice sauce.

Chocolate-spice sauce? I'm guessing this is Sandra's version of molé. She will melt a bag of chocolate chips and spice it up with taco seasoning.

[bbcookin]

Chocolate-spice sauce? I'm guessing this is Sandra's version of molé. She will melt a bag of chocolate chips and spice it up with taco seasoning.

Great Idea TexasTallGal!

I think calling hot chocolate packets with taco seasoning is spot on. Gives a whole new meaning to hole-ay mole-ay.

I'm was really excited to see her tackle an artichoke, although it has already been pointed out to me that it will be a canned or frozen choke. No way would she attempt an icky fresh one. Even though they are soosooo bee-yooo-tee-ful right now.

And cheese straws wrapped in phyllo with pesto just boggles my mind.

[tabbygirl521]

Lord, where to start? Is she really going to serve pesto and mole' in the same meal? (Retching slightly over chocolate chips and taco seasoning...and yet...I think you may be on to something. As opposed to being ON something, as I fear she is when making this stuff up.)

And what, no alcohol on a romantic evening?

AND...**creamy** cheese straws?? I'm guessing phyllo wrapped around string cheese, then deep-fried. No, I just changed my mind. She's going to lay out some phyllo, possibly remembering to butter it between layers, then spread on some pesto "or anything else at all that you have around" (peanut butter perhaps), then lay down the string cheese on one edge, and roll the thing up. And put a frilled toothpick through it to hold everything in place while she bakes it.

I dunno. Meat, cheese, and spicy-spicy might be asking for a very...eventful and possibly stinky romantic evening.

I do hope she reminds us to remove our socks so our feet will "feel and smell great."

Cannot even begin to imagine the table or BEDscape! Maybe since the quilt goes on the table, this time a tablecloth will go on the bed so you and your Wallet...er...loved one...can enjoy a romantic meal right where all the action will be taking place.

Edited by tabbygirl521, Feb 2, 2005 @ 8:18 PM.

[Grits]

My Gawd....She talking romance and not one mention of Pixy Sticks???

And absolutely, she will use canned artichokes but will remember to butter each piece of phyllo.......did anyone notice recently, her using phyllo, preaching about how delicate it is, keep it covered, etc. Yet, when she opened the package originally, I guess she only needed half for her "recipe" and flung the other half of the package on the countertop on the other side of the kitchen.....never went back to it, yet preached about keeping it moist, etc,........Geez.....She is a piece of work isn't she...........

[catnip]

Mole recipes usually call for tomatoes, don't they? So don't forget the jar of marinara sauce. Or ketchup. Or tomato soup -- I don't know; I'm new here.

I think the string cheese idea is probably the most likely for the cheese straws, but she could also lay slices of American cheese on top of the phyllo dough and then roll it to the desired thickness.

How can anyone do a Valentine's show without dessert?

Edited by catnip, Feb 2, 2005 @ 8:58 PM.

[LlamaSpank]

First of all, cheese straws are NOT "straws filled with cheese" or whatever she seems to think. They're just plain or cheese pastry baked into basically a thin breadstick shape. Once again, she'll offend anybody from the South.

She'll either use frozen artichokes or jarred marinated ones. I'm not even going to contemplate her using the canned ones because that makes me physically sick. Sure, preparing whole artichokes into hearts can be a pain, but I just steam the things whole and eat them that way. It's actually good for a romantic meal because you eat with your hands and share the artichoke.

Off-topic but about artichokes: I recently bought some fresh ones and was getting the strange looks from other shoppers because I squeeze them gently and if they squeak they're fresh. So I'm always there holding the things up to my ears, at least last time one of the produce workers understood and made me feel less like a freak.

I'm not touching the mole with a 30-ft clown pole. Other than to say she'll screw up the meat somehow. And she'll wash her hands but use the cutting board to chop fruit for the inevitable "romantic" cocktail. Maybe she'll add conversation hearts to it this time.

Dessert? The extra chocolate-spice sauce on ice cream.

[lobsterlea]

oh catnip ! Haven't the angel food cakes paid a steep enough price?! Besides, I bet she just drinks dessert anyway.

[catnip]

Do you think she'll have a special Valentine's Day cocktail, even if it's not in the description? If so, my guess is champagne with chocolate syrup.

[phxchic]

Hmm. I'm thinking Hershey's syrup and guacamole dip. Close enough, right?

Thank goodness this was presumably taped before the Batali/Trevino ICA battle, or we might be treated to some "miso honey" sauce.

[kishisan]

Thank goodness this was presumably taped before the Batali/Trevino ICA battle, or we might be treated to some "miso honey" sauce.

And the closed captioning will call it "Me So Horny sauce."

The drink will have to be red, sweet, and weird. Maybe blood orange juice (concentrate) as an ingredient? A Scarlet Knight Saketini?

[squeezeon]

Do you think she'll have a special Valentine's Day cocktail, even if it's not in the description?

Yeah, it will be her dressed in some Wal-mart valentines day lingerie and drenched in stale champagne used as perfume!

And the closed captioning will call it "Me So Horny sauce."

[PornQueen]

Oooo, TexasTallGal, you beat me to this. I asked Glark if we could have a speculation thread and he said:

Yeah, spec thread is totally kosher but if people won't move discussion to
the episode threads when it airs then it's trouble for the section since the
episode threads are the main barometer of forum health for us.

So, as long as we move the talk to the appropriate show thread when it opens up, we should all be good. Okay? Everybody got that? So, we can speculate away! Whoot!

Mole. A'la semi-homemade? Just don't even think about it Snadra. Mole is complex, nuanced, everything you're food isn't. And if you think, "oh it's that spicy chocolate sauce from south of the border, that will be so easy to re-create" you are dead wrong. It has icky garlic! And no, you can't substitute corn nuts for the seeds!!!

mole

Definition: [MOH-lay] From the Nahuatl molli, meaning "concoction," mole is a rich, dark, reddish-brown sauce usually served with poultry. There are many variations of this spicy Mexican specialty, usually depending on what's in the cook's kitchen. Generally, mole is a smooth, cooked blend of onion, garlic, several varieties of chiles, ground seeds (such as sesame seeds or pumpkin seeds--known as pepitas) and a small amount of Mexican chocolate, its best-known ingredient. (Some Americanized mole recipes use bitter chocolate.) The chocolate contributes richness to the sauce without adding overt sweetness.

Jarred MARINATED artichoke hearts is my guess. And let me tell you, using marinated when you meant to use "packed in water/brine" gives you a whole 'nother flavor in your dish. Why yes, I have done this, why do you ask?

How can you have "creamy" with a cheese straw? I thought the whole reason you enjoy a cheese straw was for the crispy factor? Or is that just me?

cheese straws
 
Definition: Strips of cheese pastry or plain pastry sprinkled with cheese, baked until crisp and golden brown. The pastry strips are sometimes twisted before baking. Cheese straws are served as an appetizer or an accompaniment to soups or salads

There will be a dessert and a drink, how can there not be??

[TexasTallGal]

PornQueen, I asked Glark about the speculation thread also and he just said, "Yep, that's fine." I'm glad to know about his reply to you how we should move the discussion over to the episode threads when they open. We need to make sure we do that. I already lost one forum here (Trading Spaces). I don't want to see it happen again.

[indybear]

Her cheese straws: "i want you to get out some sheets of filo from the refrigerator (so it's firm) - it should be 5 sheets but you don't need to count. Then butter the top sheet. Next you need to take this can of aerosol cheese and spray it on the filo dough. I want you to roll it up and pop it INto the oven for a quick minute. Then take it out of the oven and use a butter knife to cut it into pieces. Then just pour the jar of pesto sauce over them. Easy, easy!"

arred MARINATED artichoke hearts is my guess. And let me tell you, using marinated when you meant to use "packed in water/brine" gives you a whole 'nother flavor in your dish

You forgot SLop's favorites - the ones packed in artichoke juice.

Edited by indybear, Feb 3, 2005 @ 9:07 AM.

[cissyboo]

In the disappeared "Romance-EWWW" thread, I also remarked on the incongruity of "creamy" and "cheese straws" (mmmmm, cheese straws!). I watched Ming Tsai the other night, and he was in Mexico and an older lady made a mole from scratch-chilis and nuts and sesame seeds and a bunch of other stuff. And the most important ingredient is the Mexican Baking Chocolate (completely different from Nestle tollhouse morsels!)
But you can find "pre-made" mole in your regular grocery store, right? Next to the Nestle Qwik and Hershey's Syrup.

That better be one honkin' huge rib eye, or your loved one will get hungry!

[CheerfulHamster]

Spicy Chocolate Sauce = Hershey's Syrup and chili powder

Indybear -- I am so with you on the aerosol cheese. She has not yet used it right? And it IS inevitable ...

[SanchaPanza]

I'm speculating that the "creamy cheese straws" are: whack-a-can breadsticks, which SLop will painstakingly separate. She'll clumsily apply ricotta cheese (but almond paste is OK). She'll twist 'em, then wrap 'em in phyllo, then dip 'em in jarred pesto.

Or she'll just layer phyllo with ricotta.

Whatever they will be...they won't be cheese straws.

NotMole sauce and pesto in the same meal? Agreed. Sounds like ass.

[Shnuglet]

You clever, clever woman, TexasTallGal! I'm so grateful you're working for the side of good instead of evil.

The chocolate contributes richness to the sauce without adding overt sweetness.

As we know, this is a concept SLop can't wrap her pinhead (tm kristintracy) mind around, so I'm going to cast my vote for Baker's bittersweet blocks, or--better!-- those pre-melted packets from Nestle, with cayenne or chili powder dumped in. Or maybe a packet of taco seasoning! Mm-mm-good! The ribeye she will brutalize. Does Hallmark have a card for that?

Creamy cheese straws will be cheese <in-a-jar> mushed together with a can o' biscuit dough and jarred pesto, rolled into worm shapes, then aig-washed. She's lovin' the aig wash lately.

And I agree--jarred 'chokes. Violation: Butter, wine and lemon juice from a bottle, maybe some pre-seasoned bread crumbs. And she will declare them as f'ntastic as a fresh steamed one. Choke indeed.

Tack on a pitcher of kutesie kocktails and it's Wuthering Heights revisited.

[tabbygirl521]

Thank goodness this was presumably taped before the Batali/Trevino ICA battle, or we might be treated to some "miso honey" sauce.

And the closed captioning will call it "Me So Horny sauce."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I'm going to cast my vote for Baker's bittersweet blocks, or--better!-- those pre-melted packets from Nestle, with cayenne or chili powder dumped in.

shnuglet, I do believe you may be on to something - I just remembered that she made something once and talked about adding cayenne to chocolate "like the Latins do." What was that??

I think her romantic cocktail should use tequila. Maybe with champagne. Though I do like the champagne/Hershey's idea (ow, for some reason I just got a sudden headache...). Then again...pesto is also on the menu. Pesto, faux-lay, and whatever she seasons the artichokes with. Yummy yum yum. Another cacophony of flavors in your mouth.

Me, I can't wait for the bordello-style day-cor.

(Hee, I e-mailed Glark yesterday, too. No reply, so I guess he knows I seized on this thread already! So glad we don't have to wait; speculating on the shows has always been half the fun!)

Edited by tabbygirl521, Feb 3, 2005 @ 1:37 PM.

[PornQueen]

The horror! You can get mole in a can! I bet you can get this right at your grocery store! Now, to just spice it up with some Hershey's and she's gonna be good to go.

But, if you buy ready made (tinny tasting, probably made from inferior products) you wouldn't have to embellish it, now would you? I mean, if you were anyone else except Snadra.

I am so looking for this the next time I go to the store in the hispanic part of town.

Another international incident in your mouth.

Well, let's break this down shall we?

Pesto: Italian, yes?
Cheese Straws: strike me as kind of frou frou, I say French origin
Mole: Mexican, completely south of the border
Artichokes: I say Italian, specifically Roman
Phyllo: Greek, most definitely
Rib eye: All American Midwestern Corn Fed Beef

Yup, looks like a veritable kulture klash koming up!

[LlamaSpank]

Cheese straws are actually more of a Southern food (think debutante balls in huge plantation mansions) adding to the injury of serving them with 'Pesto'. Plus, they're not stuffed with cheese you dirty SLop! They're delicate! Crispy/crunchy! Don't mess with the cheese straws!!! Plus, she'll use pre-packaged pesto, which can sometimes be good and other times be ass, depending on what brand you buy.

She's going to make me throw things at the TV again, isn't she . . . .

[jdcfootball]

Just wanted to pass along an uncensored transcript of the dessert drink segment...

"Today, Imonna show you how to make my specialty: Sandra's Slutty, Sleazy Spritzer. Now, ladies, to get your man's motor really running on a romantic evening, he's going to need a beverage or two. Probably more than that if you look anything like me.

Take your martini glasses and wet the rim with dark rum. Mmm...dark rum is f'ntastic, isn't it? Now, dip the moistened rim into a shallow bowl with the contents of four dozen red Pixie Stix. Be sure to get plenty of there and, if you somehow happen to get some on yourself, that's sexy too. I'll bet you didn't know that men lose all control of their sensory organs and impulses around industrial grade, oddly dyed sugar products.

Now, in your largest pitcher, mix together three shots of peppermint schnapps, five shots of Midori, a half cup of Wild Turkey, a liter of cream soda and a liter of Moxie. If you enjoy alcohol as much as I do, just fill a beer bong with the mixture and go to town.

Leave the drink to set up and go pulse a twelve ounce bag of chalky, unappealing Sweethearts candy in your food processor until they resemble the texture of flaked sheetrock. If your man is like mine and was born when Teddy Roosevelt was still wearing short pants, sneak a few dozen Viagra or Cialis pills in with the hearts. He'll never know and you can get four hours of lifeless, artificial sex out of him before he needs to go to a hospital. Besides, it gives him something to do while you take seventeen minutes in the bathroom to sex yourself up. So pour the dust into a twelve ounce container of non-dairy whipped topping. My goodness, I haven't been around this much powder since 1987!

Take your newly ruined topping and slather it all over the top of the class. If the liquid underneath is still visible, you haven't chundered on quite enough. Embellish the top with a generous handful of Red Hots candies. There you have it, a drink so sickeningly sweet that it can create an instant diabetic! Simple, simple! Oh, one last tip: Be sure to make a LOT of them. My husband always knocks his over onto the floor. I guess he must like them so much that he loses all control!'

(Been lurking around here for a few weeks, all...hope my first post is worthy of the brilliant minds around here!)

[LlamaSpank]

Anybody wanna speculate on the Chinese menu planned for this weekend?

Sandra brings the tasty food of a Chinese Restaurant into your kitchen. Sandra prepares Beef and Vegetable Stir Fry, Wonton Soup and Steamed Pork Bao Buns. Finally, Sandra finishes the meal with sweet Almond Cookies and a Lychee Saketini Blush

I'm looking forward to her steamed buns . . . heh heh
They'll probably involve whack-a-biscuits and canned pork. Do they even make canned pork? Because I certainly don't want her to make this with raw pork and try to steam it. Maybe some sort of BBQ pulled pork? Or SPAM? Ooh! Pork 'n' Beans?

Her and her f**king saketinis. Arg. Stop the Alcohol Abuse! She'll use canned lychees, at least she better because those are at least obtainable. Though I seriously doubt many people keep canned lychees in their pantries. Other than me. I actually like the things. . .

jdcfootball- you kinda made me hork a little. Don't worry, that's a compliment!

Edited by LlamaSpank, Feb 3, 2005 @ 3:56 PM.

[cissyboo]

Llamaspank I, too, have canned lychees in my pantry. Right next to the jackfruit and canned bananas from the Philippines. Our Albertson's had fresh (?) lychees once, and they were, interesting looking to say the least.
Don't forget to use the juice from the can in your lychee saketini! That tinny taste is the greatest!

[InnerCanuck]

Though I seriously doubt many people keep canned lychees in their pantries.

Yeah. I read "panties" instead of "pantries"...

Mole in a jar/can...well, why not? It's got to be available in "just your regular grocery store" doesn't it? ;)

My bet is that she'll add chocolate chips & nuke the whole thing in the microwave. (Still shaking my head over serving it on a rib eye instead of turkey or chicken...)

[jdcfootball]

I've tried canned lychees before. Tasted like salty grapes to me anyhow. Might've just been the brand. Either way, I wasn't all that blown away.

I'm hoping for something like, "Well, we would've used Chinese vine berries as floating garnish in the saketini if we could've found them. But we couldn't. So we're just gonna use raisins. I'll just slur the word, say 'laisins' to my guests and let them feel stupid for never having heard of them! Whoot!"

By the way, I know there are rice wines in China (lao jiu or something similar--apologies to anyone of Chinese descent whom I offended with my likely mangling of the term), but isn't "sake" a Japanese word? I'm so flipping confused by this damn woman! She just uses words too willy nilly! "Beer margaritas" anyone?

Edited by jdcfootball, Feb 3, 2005 @ 4:10 PM.

[PornQueen]

For the stir fry, pre-cut veggies from the deli or salad bar "at your local grocry store". Or she'll pull out a pre-mixed bag of frozen ones, plus they'll be organic! The only flavoring component will be soy, or she'll used a dry seasoning packet, but make sure to only use half and save the other half for later!

[tabbygirl521]

jdcfootball, you've pretty much got her shtick nailed! Welcome!

[LlamaSpank]

Yeah, she's not too into actually determining which "country" things come from. Of course, she probably also doesn't realize that the "Chinese" food you get at the mall isn't necessarily what everyone eats in China (which she will probably call a city). Plus, she has no clue about regional Chinese cuisine. She'll probably serve her stir-fry (or stir-not-fry since she can't turn on the stove) over some boil-in-a-bag rice. Or Uncle Ben's.

She's gotta make some sort of racial slur too. Kinda like the whole cayenne + chocolate is something "the latins" do.

ETA: hork = puke. Mr Llama and I tend to use it to describe hairballs - "ooh look! A big pile of kitten hork!" It actually came from Mr L's name for Cracklin' Oat Bran: "Horkin' Fiber Chunks".

Edited by LlamaSpank, Feb 3, 2005 @ 4:56 PM.

[jdcfootball]

jdcfootball, you've pretty much got her shtick nailed! Welcome!

Tabby: Much appreciated! I think I'm here to stay! You guys seem like a neat little posse to hang out with.

Llama- I was betting on that microwave rice crap advertised on tV that cooks in 90 seconds. No flame, no skill, no problem. (By the way, what the hell *does* "hork" mean? That's a new one on me!)

Edited by jdcfootball, Feb 3, 2005 @ 4:49 PM.