15 replies to this topic

[goobaletta]

I'm hoping this new topic sticks because I love the idea of TWoPers coming up with their own book, lyrics, and staging for an imaginary Trump: The Musical or The Apprentice in Song and Dance. Well, y'all get the idea.

Totally off the top of my head here, I'm envisioning the opening number. The theatre is a yooge one, of course, like The Gershwin, Lincoln Center, Radio City or somesuch.

The orchestra finishes the overture which, as is usual for these things, consists of bits of all the numbers in the show. At the end of the overture the curtain rises to reveal a cityscape. NYC of course. Trumptown. Whatever is the flashiest Trump building is in the center. The lighting gives the effect of sunrise. Even if it's not realistic I see the sun rising over the Trump building since it's accepted that the sun rises and sets at the will of The Donald.

Street sounds are heard. Car horns. Rumblings of large trucks. Construction sounds. People begin to appear. A street vendor hawking Trumpiana (as in Disneyana) souvenirs. A newstand is revealed featuring papers and magazines with headlines such as: King of NYC and TV, Trump TV Tops, and so forth. The vendor sets up a display of Trump books and unveils a yooge poster advertising the latest. A Carolyn look-alike dashes across the stage and pauses briefly to sing. . .

Somebody take it from here. What does Carolyn sing for the opening number?

[Calreusop]

goobaletta, I would be happy to participate in this thread; it actually sounds really cool. However, I wanted to look to you for a little more direction before posting. Do you think you could do like a "sample" reply, just so others can see how the thread might run? Thanks.

ETA: Because spelling counts.

Edited by Calreusop, Jan 19, 2005 @ 6:17 PM.

[spindotdat]

Carolyn (Singing "Famous," to the tune of "Downtown" from Little Shop of Horrors, starting where Seymour says "Poor"):

Blonde,
All my life I've always been Blonde,
Of my hairstyle many people are not fond,
But at least it's better than

Trump!
He took me out of the rat race, cause he's no
Chump!
He gave me a really cool gig, made me a TV star - that's so big,

Now I am....

Famous. Even in a hideous red dress.
Famous. Even though the show is a mess.
Famous.

I'm out of ideas. Someone else pick up Act I, Scene I, featuring Mark Burnett in the Amazon, getting the lightbulb of an idea for the show (or something).

ETA: Danny's writing the songs for the new musical! Or at least one song. Check out his website. It's freakin' awesome. I want to be the next Apprentice!

Edited by spindotdat, Jan 21, 2005 @ 3:33 AM.

[ajw]

Kelly enters the boardroom. It's empty. He pulls out a hat from Bill Rancic's empty briefcase left behind from an Apprentice 2 boardroom appearance, puts it on his head. He picks up a walking stick (one of the 12 that Raj left behind), and breaks into song to the tune Sinatra made famous... "New York, New York":

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it, Trump's New York
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
And make a brand new start of it, in Trump's New York

I wanna wake up in the city that doesn't sleep
And find he's king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it - in Trump's New York
If he can make it there, he'll make it anywhere
It's up to Trump, and old New York.

I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find he's top of the list, king of the hill,
A number one...

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If he can make it there, he'll make it anywhere

It's up to Trump, and old New York!

He quietly leaves the room, but not before saluting a photo of Trump posing with one eyebrow raised. Boardroom lights turn off. Intermission.

[pablito]

The stage is dark. Slight crying is heard in the silence. A spotlight illuminates the back of a man sleeping in bed with a woman.

The music strikes up. It is I Don't Know How to Love Him from JC Supastar. Both the woman and man remain asleep, but an object moves around near the head of the bed. The object sits up on the pillow and begins to sing.

The Hair:
I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've never changed, no never changed
In these past few years
When I've seen myself
I seem like I don't help.

I don't know how he combs me
I don't see why he fires me
He's a man
He's The Donald.
I've never covered
his head before.
In very many ways
I'm a toupee.

Should I bring him down
Should I stay in place
Should I turn to white
Let it all fall out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What am I about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So fake so cool
Only Trump's fool
Running every show
He needs me so

I never thought I'd come to this
What am I about?

Yet
If he said he'd cut me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn his head
I'd fly away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I..love...him...so

The Hair continues to whimper, but The Donald begins to startle during his slumber. The Hair stops crying and settles itself back upon The Donald's head. Spotlight fades out...

Edited by pablito, Jan 25, 2005 @ 6:08 PM.

[StickyKeys]

Trump looks at George forlornly

“George, what I need is a successor, someone who will carry my empire all the way to outerspace. You’ve been my trusted counsel for years, please help me.”

George goes center stage as a piano appears to his right. The house lights go down and a spotlight focuses on George as he shimmies himself onto the piano crossing his legs at his ankles. Trump sits in a large regal chair with its back to the audience, facing George.

Send In The Clones

So you want to make them rich, with combed over hair?
Running Mom & Pop shops into the ground
Well you’re almost there…
Send in the clones.

Don’t you get pissed, think that it’s rude?
When you tell these schmucks how high to jump
And they don’t seem to move.
Where are the clones?
Send in the clones.

I tried to be enough,
Finally knowing the one that you wanted was yours.
But my exit will come soon, no it’s not fair,
Yeah I had the lines;
Couldn’t compete with the hair.

Didn't you love Bill?
Omarosa was my fault I fear,
I thought that 2nd season you’d find what you want,
Sorry my dear
But where are the clones
There ought to be clones
Quick send in the clones

What a surprise!
We’re at season 3
Is there a chance you could feel about one of them,
What you felt about me?
Why only now when I see
That hiring Kelly was a mistake?
What a loser...
What a cliche'...

Isn't it rich, seems kind of queer
Gaining my moxy this late in my career
And where are the clones
Quick send in the clones
Don't bother, they're here.

The lights come up revealing the season 3 cast all wearing suits and pink ties, George disappears gracefully in a trap door on the floor.

[goobaletta]

Song of Brian
(make up your own tune)

A dejected Brian walks out of TT, pulling his suitcase behind him. Before stepping into the cab, he begins to sing:

(mellow and flowing)
I thought I understood reverse psychology
I never believed old Trump would fire me
Why ever did I tell him to?
Aw no matter, I won't be blue

(music revs up)
Because I've got my viking hat
I've got my viking hat
I am strong like a viking
If that's not to your liking
May I suggest?
Sit on my viking hat

That Kristen is a raving bitch
Her presence makes me itch
Her banshee screaming
Was so demeaning
More to her than me
What a witch

(No insult to Wiccans intended, but it rhymed, ya know?)

But I have my viking hat
Ain't no doubt about that
I'll be a great success
No matter how I dress
As long as I have
My viking hat

dance break

So Mr. Trump, just give me a call
When you have a big deal for a mall
Just put me to the test
I'll negotiate my best
I'll prove to you at last
That I won't drop the ball

And I'll wear my viking hat
Even if my face looks fat
I will dance a jig
In a long blonde wig
But I'll be wearing
Yes I'll be wearing
I'll be wearing my viking haaaaaaaaat!

curtsy

[Black Cat]

Day 1. Aspiring Corporate Weasels enter the boardroom for their introduction to Trump and co. Carolyn and George are in their usual places. Instead of their usual attire, they are wearing pink ties and Trump! wigs of stripey orange and blond.

There is silence until...

Trump enters on a flying carpet. Dressed as Arabian sheik from days of yore. To welcome the new crop of ACW's, he belts out the following tune:

A Whole New Cast
(to the tune of "A Whole New World")

I can show you Trumpworld,
Gaudy, grotesque, gold-plated,
Tell me, ‘prentice, when did
You last let the Hair decide?

I will give you some tasks,
Each one yooger and yooger,
One by one you’ll go under
On this season’s magic famewhore ride

A whole new cast
The Donald now owns all of you
I’ll tell you when to jump
How high to jump
And fire you on the slightest whim

A whole new cast
For my 16-week job interview
I’ll sit here on my throne
But my two clones
Grampy George and Lady Di will watch over you
George and Lady Di will watch over you

At the end of the task
Winners get a prize that’s neat
Losers sit in the hotseat
At an endless boardroom rehash

A whole new cast
Don't you dare lose your cash
Between the hand and the ass
You’re a star – milk it all you can
And like Assorama
You’ll go so fa’
And won’t have to go back to where you used to be...

Donald jumps off the carpet and sits in his chair.

Donald: Enough of this singing nonsense. When you too become a billionaire some day, you'll be too busy making yooge deals to bother with little details like the last two verses of a song. Anyway, here's the deal this season: College graduates vs. non-graduates...

...and next song?

[StickyKeys]

Setting: The Trump hotel and casino in Atlantic City.

The Donald, Carolyn, and George sit in an observation deck watching the contestants poorly plan a promotional event on the floor below.

A New Apprentice Season
To the Tune of A New Argentina
(TRUMP:)
Dice are rolling, $100 bills are out
Dead presidents are all around
And then those schmucks
Losing bucks
Trying to pick pennies up, off the ground

(GEORGE:)
It doesn’t matter what those morons do or say
Season 3’s leaders are a feeble crew
There's only eighteen of them anyway
What is eighteen next to millions who
Are looking to work for you?

All you have to do is sit and wait
Let Burnett put the promo into to play
We'll ... you'll be handed lackey souls on a plate
When the ones who matter have their say
We’ll shut them up
And make sure it’s the right man kissing your butt

(TRUMP:)
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
For distance lends enchantment, and that is why
Former contestants once were distinguished, now they're careers are pretty much dead
I know I’m going to hell, and that is why

(Apprentices:)
A new Apprentice season, the claims to celebrity implied
A new Apprentice season, interviews and commercials
Cannot be denied

(Carolyn:)
Now I am a worker, I've suffered in ways you never will
I've been unemployed, but have never been reduced to hawking swill
But I found my salvation in TRUMP, may the nation
Let him pay them as he paid me

(All:)
A new Apprentice season, part 3 about to begin
A new Apprentice season, we face the world together
And dissent within

(Carolyn:)
TRUMP has filed chapter 11 and this we avow
He says he’s on top, but he’s really just in denial
He supports you, for he has to
Make some money, off one of you
If not, how could he pay me?

(Sam Solveney:)
How annoying to be embarrassed on national tv for their cause
The inconvenience, of having your act seen as pejorative
If normal methods of decency fail to win them a job
There are other ways of obtaining positions authoritive

fade to black

[Black Cat]

Setting: The suite. The first task is over, and Magna has lost. Danny, the CMO, makes a move for his guitar, but Michael stops him.

MICHAEL: Relax, Danny boy. We have a song for YOU.

Magna forms the cantelope of which Miss Alli has often spoken and serenades Danny with the following number:

UNBELIEVABLE!
To the tune of "Unbelievable" by EMF

You burden us with your leisure suits
Your “singing” makes us cry
We’re always asking what you’re all about –
“For real, is this guy?”
We say to you that you talk too much
And when you do you’re a fool
But in this suite we’ve realized
We’re going to play through
And dump you

The things you say
Your poseur pose just gives you away
The things you say
You’re UNBELIEVABLE!

At BK you sunk us with your busking
And Bozo’s grand prize game
We shake our heads and cringe
At the way you say
You’re outside of the box
To think of us on the same team
Is scarier than anything we’ve ever known
But in this suite we’ve realized
That we need to
Make Trump fire you

The things you say
We hate you more and more each day
The things you say
You’re UNBELIEVABLE!

After the song, Michael, who bears a passing resemblance to John Belushi, picks up the guitar and smashes it against the wall.

[StickyKeys]

HA!

[Mech5]

The Donald walks on stage, and begins singing...speaking first.

Hello, and welcome to Trump Tower...it is my greatest pleasure to welcome you here tonight. Now, pull up a Boardroom chair and sit down as me and the Viceroys present...the firing!

(To the tune of "Be Our Guest")
I'm the best, I'm the best
Donald Trump's the one, no contest
Now come on and sit your butt down
And I'll handle all the rest

Every company you see
Is part of a yooge in-DUS-try
Perform their tasks, it's free advertising
While George and Carolyn do advising
When it's done, one is gone
Yet my show now shall go on!
And your reward's sure to put your patience to the test...

So go to the Boardroom just to end my boredom
I'm the best, I'm the best, I'm the best!

*Trump motions to one of the sponsors...*

Edited by Mech5, Mar 12, 2005 @ 8:58 AM.

[wilibald]

In the suite, the Apprenti are discussing the task, who contributed, who didn't, etc. Divas Omarosa, Ivana, and Kristen, stroll in from unlit wings, one on each side of the stage. Everyone else goes into a tableux except Tana who stands up, removes a trenchcoat to reveal street clothing underneath.

The Villainess Rap
(To the tune of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
Sung by Tana (with Omarosa, Ivana, and Kristen)

This is the story all about how their lives got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there,
I'll tell you how they all took over what aired.

From Washington D.C. is where she came,
An intern at the White House, whoring all her fame.
Talking back, kettles black, spreadin' N-word lies,
Giving all a reason for them to despise,
When a little piece of cee-ment fell on top her head,
Watching you'd have thought it had knocked her dead,
There was one little bump, but she needed a doc
And now she's become fodder for ever'one to mock.

Now we move on, selling candied sweets,
Dressed alike the "twins" were going to be hard to beat,
But Ivana, maybe thinking she's on "Truth or Dare"
Dropped her skirt, right there in Times Square!

Jaw-dropped, Nipples shocked at what they had made
Directed by the girl who lived in L.A.
She thought, "out of the box" meant rated R
But cucumber porn? You've gone too far.

[leocadia]

To the tune “I Wanna Be a Producer” from “The Producers”.

I Wanna be the Apprentice

The Applicants:
Famewhorish,...Famewhorish..very Famewhorish
Famewhorish,...Famewhorish
Very very very very very
Very very Famewhorish

Sam (Season 1):
I spend my life annoying
everyone that I know

The Applicants:
(Famewhorish)

Sam :
Surreptitiously enjoying
the chaos that I sow

The Applicants:
(Famewhorish)

Sam:
I have a public desire
As shallow as my soul
One famewhore for hire
attention is my goal

I wanna be the Apprentice
Lunch with Donald every day
I wanna the Apprentice
PR work for exec pay
I wanna be the Apprentice
Cuz I know I won’t be fired
I wanna be the Apprentice
And hear The Donald say “You’re hired”

Little Stacy (Season 2)

I wanna be the Apprentice
Cuz my legal brain’s so big
I wanna be the Apprentice
Vain complaining is my gig
I wanna be the Apprentice
Wash a dog or dress it twee
I wanna be the Apprentice
So you’ll fail to notice that I’m wee

Danny(Season 3):

I wanna be the Apprentice
To showcase my kooky style
I wanna be the Apprentice
My songs you’ll soon revile
I wanna be the Apprentice
And I’m unbelivable
I wanna be the Apprentice
Until my thirst for fame is full



The Applicants:
Famewhorish,...Famewhorish..very Famewhorish
Famewhorish,...Famewhorish
Very very very very very
Very very Famewhorish

Kendra (At the Finale) :
I wanna be the Apprentice…

Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Tana was right!
She was the one who came up with the circle!
Stop the show, I wanna get off!

Trump:
Kendra, where do you think you're going?
Kendra:
Mr. Trump, I've got news for you. I quit!
Here's my suite key...my official Donald bobble-head doll... and my big finish!
I'm not gonna be the Apprentice
Take your job and shove it Trump,
I'm not going to be the Apprentice
Unlike Kelly I’m no chump!


Tana:
Trump Tower here I come….


Hee…that was fun. Other possibilities for this show? “Springtime for Donald” and “Keep it Hoyay”, a duet for Kwame and Troy.

Edited by leocadia, May 20, 2005 @ 6:59 PM.

[nubbs]

I heard it was just going to be Donald standing around tooting his own tin horn.

[GraceBaird]

It's just going to be a launching pad for new products.