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Lines that will never be said on Smallville


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#1

tropicalgeko

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Posted Jan 1, 2004 @ 8:29 PM

Lana's in here. Run like Hell!


LMAO! ahahahahahahahaha omg, I'm laughing so hard at that one I have tears in my eyes.

#2

CanSpy

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Posted Jan 1, 2004 @ 8:45 PM

Lionel (checking Clark out): I'd hit that.

Edited by CanSpy, Jan 1, 2004 @ 8:45 PM.


#3

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 2, 2004 @ 12:36 PM

Newscaster: Two men are wanted for questioning in connection with the murder of Whitney Fordman. Both are middle-aged and weirdly obsessed with town pain-in-the-ass Lana Lang.

Martha: Chloe's a much better lover than you are, Jonathan.

#4

hachurui

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Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 12:01 AM

Anyone, seeing lana: Run, it's Hideous Pinky!

Lana: I'm writing my life story, but I can't decide what to call it: The poor little pink girl or How lana got her groove back

Lex: Clark, have you ever seen a grown man cry?
Clark: No, but I've seen a dragonfly.

Principal Asskick: Drugs're baaad, mkay.

#5

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 10:47 AM

Whitney: I'm alive and well. It was someone else with the same name that died.

Clark: Lana, after dating you for all this time, I have only one thing to say to you.
Lana: Yeth, Clark? What ith it?
Clark: What the hell was I thinking?

#6

SecretSquirrel

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Posted Jan 7, 2004 @ 2:30 AM

*Anyone to Lana*: nice rack.

#7

soccerfreak

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Posted Jan 9, 2004 @ 5:42 AM

Lana to Clex: <in freaky, creepy, whithper> You guyth look H-O-T together.

Lana to herself: Maybe I'll wear brown today.

Lana to Thtompy the Horthe: Lower. Yeth, that'th the thpot.

Clark to Lex: So, who's turn to top tonight?

#8

mobiusklein

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Posted Jan 9, 2004 @ 11:59 AM

Lana (smug): Look Clark, my new boyfriend!
boyfriend: Wow, Clark's so hot! (shoots heart bubbles at Clark then pats his butt)
Lana: Wait just a minute!

Lana: See, Clark, I'm boinking two guys on a Talon table right in front of you. Aren't you jealous? Huh, huh?
Clark: Where's my coffee?

Chad: Chloe, this magic amulet I made will protect you from evil. It won't be able to come within 30 feet of you.
Lana: Chlo . . . GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (rolls around in pain)
Chloe: Hmmmm.

Jonathon: I helped make Lex what he is. I've been horrible to him. Clark, save him if you can.

#9

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 9, 2004 @ 12:38 PM

Chloe: What's with the weird solar activity? Did Lana fart?

#10

cashew

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Posted Jan 13, 2004 @ 7:31 AM

WB Announcer: Now, Smallville: The Musical.

Clark singing to the tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow":

Somewhere over the rainbow
Where I'm high
There's a city I've been to
Once in a summertime

Somewhere over the rainbow
Boys are gay
And billionaires that you dream of
Are allowed to stay

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up with the pre-ju-dice behind me
Where troubles sink like meteor-rocks
Locked away inside St. George's box
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Gay boys fly
Heroes fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

Somewhere over the rainbow
Gay boys fly
Heroes fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy superheroes fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?


#11

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 13, 2004 @ 2:34 PM

Lana: Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?
Mirror: Not you, that's for damn sure.

#12

Jaded482

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Posted Jan 13, 2004 @ 2:36 PM

Hee! Nice work, cashew.

#13

cashew

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Posted Jan 13, 2004 @ 7:16 PM

Thanks Jaded. "_"

Topic:

WB Announcer: Smallville: The Musical, continues.

Lex singing to the tune of "Castle on a Cloud":

There is a cradle in my head
I would go hide there when I'm drugged
Julian's alive and rooms aren't bugged
Not in the cradle in my head

There is a bag that's full of books
I hold them open as Julian looks
He would be quiet as I read
Over the cradle in my head

And my mother would sit to the side
Soothe the baby with lullabies
She would smile at me and pat my head
She says, "Oh Lex, I wish I was not dead."

I know a place where babies cry
A place where loving mothers die
Innocent savior that had fled
Alone by the cradle in my head


Edit to add:

WB Announcer: And now, the conclusion to Smallville: The Musical

LEX
I'm so happy. Clark came and saved me today. He knocked out an orderly with a tap of his hand. He's not human! It hasn't been such a bad day after all.
*sings to tune of "Happiness"*
Happiness is out of asylums

CLARK
Pie made from apples

PETE
Getting more lines.

LIONEL
Happiness is getting a contract

CHLOE
Or an intern
For the very first time.


MARTHA
Happiness is having a son
Until the very end.


LEX
And happiness is walking hand in hand.
Happiness is learning a secret...


LANA
Talking about me...

CHLOE
Snooping in glee.

LEX
Happiness is five dif'rent investments...

CLARK
Finding my Lex and...
Setting him free.


LEX
Happiness is being accepted ev'ry now and then.

ALL
And happiness is coming home again.

LEX
Happiness is takeovers and buy-outs,
Justice and vengence too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.


JONATHAN
Happiness is feeding the cows and...

MARTHA
Baking a warm pie

JONATHAN AND MARTHA
Married so long-

ALL
Happiness is being together when day is through.
And happiness is those who stand by you.
Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime, too,


LEX
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.


JONATHAN
*spoken*
You're a good man, Lex Luthor.

Edited by cashew, Jan 13, 2004 @ 8:12 PM.


#14

TVjunky

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Posted Jan 13, 2004 @ 11:06 PM

cashew, your songs are brilliant! I loved them all, and they fit the music you picked perfectly. Stephen Sondwho? "A Cradle in my Head" is my favourite.

Edited by TVjunky, Jan 13, 2004 @ 11:08 PM.


#15

cashew

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Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 8:16 AM

TVjunky, thanks for the compliments. They inspire me to write more dirtywrong parodies. *is ashamed of self*

Lex singing to Clark to the tune of "Music of the Night": *

Meteors sharpens, heightens each sensation
Glowing from rocks prods inspiration
And energy hustles away from the muscles

Slowly, gently, you unfurl your splendor
Gasping, moaning, innocent and tender
Writhing in the hay under the harsh light of day
Give your secrets to me forever be mine
Proudly embrace the HoYay as your sign

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Purge pink thoughts from the life you knew before
Close your eyes, let your heart and body soar
And you'll screw as you've never screwed before

Softly, deftly, wetness lubricate you
Feel it, hear it, slipping tight into you
Open up your mind, allow your fantasies fly
Kryptonite bond in which your limbs are entwined
And understand the HoYay is your sign

Allow the body start a journey through a lustful world
Walk away from the pink you knew before
Let your gay take you to forceful ecstacy
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touching, thrusting, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the HoYay I define
The power of the HoYay that's your sign

You alone cause my libido shine
Help me make the HoYay be our sign


*may Lord Webber forgive me for bastardizing his work.

#16

hachurui

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Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 10:42 PM

LO-fuckin-L! Someone needs to make an mp3 of these for a karaoke party.

#17

Hazelnut

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Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 9:06 AM

Cashew, I bow before you in reverence and supplication.

Too effing funny!

ROFLMAO

#18

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 2:33 PM

Lex: Clark, would you rather ride in one of my cars or just ride me?

Martha: Date Lex if you want, Clark. You two are soulmates, and he's much more appropriate for you than Lana.

Lex (after electroshock): That was refreshing. Do it again, please.

#19

Big T

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Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 3:23 PM

Chloe: "Clark, I have to be honest with you, everyone wants us to get together, but when characters from TV shows get together it is inevitable that the show will start going downhill, so ... I can't see you any more. I still want to be friends, and still want to be flirty, and give the impression that we will get together, but it's just not going to happen... at least until the ratings start to slip"

#20

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 3:43 PM

Lana: This whole 'worshipping the ground I walk on' routine is getting old, and I wish everyone would find someone else to adore, like Lex. He is far more deserving of love and passion than I am.

#21

TVjunky

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Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 11:22 PM

Lana Lang's New Year's Resolutions:

1. Get over/quite stalking Clark Kent without jumping in a relationship with the first guy I meet.

2. Be a better friend to Chloe.

3. Move into my own place.

4. Leave Lex alone. He really doesn't need to hear me whining.

5. Never set foot in Clark's barn again. Ever. See resolution #1.

6. Stop wearing pink.

7. Start going to school again.

#22

cashew

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Posted Jan 16, 2004 @ 12:08 AM

hachurui, Hazelnut, thanks for the compliment. It inspires me to write more parodies. "_"

To the tune of "Sunrise, Sunset":

JONATHAN
Is this the hurting boy I carried?
Is this the alien boy at play?


MARTHA
I don't see the world becoming gayer
When did they?


JONATHAN
When did he become a seductor?
When did he get to be so bald?


MARTH
Last time I checked they were straight
When I called.


TWOP VIEWERS
Week in, week out.
Week in, week out.
Omar finds HoYays.
Straight boys slowly showing their colors,
Flaming even as we gaze.

Week in, week out.
Week in, week out.
Steadily we mock.
One Clex HUG following another,
Laden with GAYLEs and PHOC.


JONATHAN
What trite platitudes can I give them?
How can I try to make this straight?


MARTHA
Now I must understand that Lex is
His soulmate.


AL
I guess they look quite hot together.

MILES
I guess the Twoppers knew they'd be.

LANA
Why is there no one talking about me?

TWOP VIEWERS
Week in, week out.
Week in, week out.
Finally we see.
The moment we were pining after,
Clark propose to Lex on one knee.


#23

tropicalgeko

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Posted Jan 16, 2004 @ 2:09 PM

Whoa, that was awsome cashew! I loved it :) especially this little bit right here :

MARTHA
Now I must understand that Lex is
His soulmate.

AL
I guess they look quite hot together.

MILES
I guess the Twoppers knew they'd be.

LANA
Why is there no one talking about me?

TWOP VIEWERS
Week in, week out.
Week in, week out.
Finally we see.
The moment we were pining after,
Clark propose to Lex on one knee.


Heh, too sweet. You rock.

#24

Cyb

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Posted Jan 16, 2004 @ 2:19 PM

Adam to Lana: I don't want to be your rebound boy. However, I wouldn't mind being Clark's.

#25

stoutheartedmin

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Posted Jan 16, 2004 @ 3:11 PM

Nell to Lana: Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

#26

LexClark4ever

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Posted Jan 17, 2004 @ 1:08 PM

Lex (about Lana): Here she comes to wreck the day!

Lionel: Lex, I am taking charge of your therapy during your stay in Belle Reve. I will give you loving hugs every hour and tell you how much I love you. Then I will confess all my evil deeds to the authorities, and cheerfully go to prison. I deserve it, and it's the right thing to do.

#27

passiveboy

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Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 5:50 AM

Jonathan:Go son {Clark}.Kiss Lex to forget you are an alien.

#28

Cyb

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Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 9:27 AM

Pete: Clark, I saw you at Lana's welcome home party. What were you thinking?! You should have been spending your time with Lex to comfort him and make sure he's all right, the poor guy!

Martha: I'm sorry I kept pushing Lana on you, Clark. It turns out I'm the insane one and your father is having me committed to Belle Reve as soon as he gets back from giving Lex a dozen roses.

Jonathan: Sorry I'm late... Lex started sniffing and caressing those roses and, darn it, I just lost track of time!

Edited by Cyb, Jan 18, 2004 @ 9:30 AM.


#29

hachurui

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Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 6:43 PM

*Lex, enjoying dinner with the Kents*: So, what do the Kents usually do after dinner on a Saturday night? No late night cow milking, I hope.
Clark, Martha, Jon: Orgy!

Lana: I wonder if my sweet baboo will come with me to visit my dead parents in the cemetery?
Clark: For the last time, Lana, I am not your SWEET BABOO!
Lex: Good grief.

Clark: Hi mom, hi dad. Guess what? Lex and I are dating as of yesterday night.
Martha: Thatís nice, dear.
Jonathan: SoÖLanaís still single then, I take it. Hmmm.
Clark: Daaad! Not funny!
Jon: I was being serious. Iím in the middle of a mid-life crisis here, son, so cut me some slack.
Martha: Better Lana than Lionel, Clark. And *I* would know.
Clark: True. Hell, better Lionel than Bessie. And *I* would know.
Lex: Thatís it, Clark. Weíre breaking up.

Anyone: blahblahblah, Mr. Luthor.
Lex: Mr. Luthor is my father. Please, call me The Sexy.

#30

Jaded482

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Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 10:45 PM

Anyone: blahblahblah, Mr. Luthor.
Lex: Mr. Luthor is my father. Please, call me The Sexy.


Hee!