Jump to content

TV Lessons I've Learned


  • Please log in to reply

19527 replies to this topic

#1

Annabel Le

Annabel Le

Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 12:28 AM

If I am in the armed forces and am not residing in a comedy, I will be a risktaker who doesn't go by the book. In the final conflict, I will be forced to decide between the book tactics I've learned and the instincts I always get in trouble for following, even though they always work. I will choose to follow my instincts. This will save everyone. After being yelled at for my lack of direction-following skills, I will be declared a hero. Everyone will cheer and hug me.
  • 0

#2

watchin girl

watchin girl

    Couch Potato

Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 9:55 PM

High school gym classes dress alike in shirts and shorts with the school name on them, not shirts and shorts brought from home like I had to wear.
  • 0

#3

dearandgp

dearandgp

Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 10:11 PM

Computers always work on demand, the Blue Screen of Death does not exist, anything in the world is immediately accessible with half a dozen keystrokes, and information always presents itself onscreen within one second no matter how complex and image-filled the screen is. (Unless the Bad Guys are rushing upon you, in which case the simplest single sentence will take three and a half minutes to present.)

Edited by dearandgp, Jan 3, 2004 @ 10:13 PM.

  • 0

#4

Eliot

Eliot

    Stalker

Posted Jan 3, 2004 @ 11:31 PM

In a similar vein...

You can usually figure out someone's password in three tries, but if for some reason you can't don't sweat it -- just override it! Oh, sure, it takes a few extra keystrokes, but, really, it's easy!
  • 0

#5

HeadCase

HeadCase

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 4, 2004 @ 11:13 PM

Anytime a woman gets on her soapbox about how she doesn't need a man to fix things around the house, you know she'll screw up whatever she tries to fix.
  • 0

#6

FfrauleinN

FfrauleinN

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 5, 2004 @ 10:20 AM

Any time a man tries to fix something around the house, he will screw it up. His wife will have to call in a professional, like she suggested in the first place, or he will do it without telling her.

Instead, we have quite a few scenes of characters sitting on couches staring right at us in the living room.

And the telly is in the middle of the room. Don't worry about tripping on cords or anything on your way into the kitchen, which is always directly opposite the front door.

Alexandria Bay, you’ve forgotten the biggest Dunnit of all: The Evil Corporation. This is especially true if it's a pharmaceutical company.

Edited by FfrauleinN, Jan 5, 2004 @ 10:20 AM.

  • 0

#7

emace

emace

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 5, 2004 @ 2:42 PM

From Lifetime Channel: If I am a young woman who needs to solve a mystery, track down a story, infiltrate an evil sorority, etc., I will always get befriended by a pleasant New Agey guy of roughly my age with whom I have zero romantic chemestry, but who always becomes my boyfriend. This guy is always contrasted favorably to the date rapist/frat boy/murder suspect who hassles me.

The New Age eunuch always has long or longish hair, usually in a ponytail - even if he's over 40. He dresses casually in denim and is soft spoken. He often has a dog or rides a bike instead of a car or wants to be a photographer or something artsy. He may be reporter or someone who does desk work at the police station. If he's in college, he takes the protagonist out for coffee (never alcohol) at the first opportunity. He may get roughed up a little, but the majority of the damage happens to the woman.

Women in Lifetime movies have two kinds of friends:
1) The fragile-as-china friend who ultimately gets raped/kidnapped/suicides.
2) The tough-as-nails wisecracking, sassy sidekick.

Sometimes they get an upper-crust peer befriending them, but they usually turn out to be traitors in some way.
  • 0

#8

FfrauleinN

FfrauleinN

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 5, 2004 @ 2:46 PM

I thought the traitorous upper-crust friend had to be at least slightly older than our heroine.
  • 0

#9

SeaBreeze341

SeaBreeze341

    Stalker

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 9:51 AM

If you're hiding a baby, it will make a noise right before someone heads out the door. There's no chance in hell that you'll succeed in keeping it quiet.
  • 0

#10

FfrauleinN

FfrauleinN

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 10:02 AM

This will also happen if you're hiding a dog.
  • 0

#11

JenEx

JenEx

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 10:14 AM

And if I have a baby, I will have occasion to need to hide its existence. 'Cause, you know, that happens all the time.
  • 0

#12

Gulftastic

Gulftastic

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 10:37 AM

If you're pregnant and you don't want anyone to know all you need is a large coat and a very big shoulder bag.

Hey presto! Baby bump becomes invisible.
  • 0

#13

Sikamikanico

Sikamikanico

    Couch Potato

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 10:55 AM

There will never be rats or the overpowering aroma of manure (which can be quite strong on a warm day). The only time anyone ever steps on a broken board and falls is when a bad guy comes in to pursue the couple.


While rolling around in the Clean Hay of Romantic Goodness, no one happens to find themselves in a big ol' pile of animal shit. Barn Animals always wait until taken out by their owners to an oppropriate place to relieve themselves. When the intruding couple comes bursting through the door, none of the animals makes a sound; if there are animals at all. Everyone knows that farmers only keep barnes to preserve their massive collections of pristine, virginal hay.
  • 0

#14

bella1013

bella1013

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:18 AM

Every young girl in tv land rides her own horse or pony. She will never have to clean out the stables or actually feed the animal.

Anytime a woman gets on her soapbox about how she doesn't need a man to fix things around the house, you know she'll screw up whatever she tries to fix.


If her dorky husband has to put something together, he will forget to put in the screws or bolts that are vital to the construction.
  • 0

#15

turtle dove

turtle dove

    Video Archivist

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:22 AM

Every young girl in tv land rides her own horse or pony. She will never have to clean out the stables or actually feed the animal.

Not only that, but she rarely, if ever, even has to tack it up or cool it down after a long ride. Usually there is a "stable-hand" to do that kind of stuff. She also often needs help mounting from said stable-hand. Because you know, mounting on a horse is so difficult and all, without a boost up. People also very, very, rarely wear riding helmets. And muss up that perfect 'do? Never! Horses are never balky, only spook unless its a plot contrivence to land the sweet heroine in the hospital with a big cast, and never exhibit annoying tendencies like jerking into a trot from a walk.

Edited by turtle dove, Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:23 AM.

  • 0

#16

FfrauleinN

FfrauleinN

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:30 AM

And everybody's got awesome riding boots.

If her dorky husband has to put something together, he will forget to put in the screws or bolts that are vital to the construction.

It will collapse just as he is proudly showing it to the family. If electricity is involved, sparks will literally fly. No fire, just sparks.
  • 0

#17

thingything

thingything

    Couch Potato

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:47 AM

When a cop / hero / whatever is persuing a villain who is chasing me with a gun they will not take any action until he has me cornered and is pulling the trigger. Then they will shoot him and I will hear the gunshot and be amazed when I am unharmed.

When said villain-about-to-pull-the-trigger is shot they will not react in any way for a few moments, except perhaps to freeze in position. Then they will frown (or if frowning already, their eyes will roll up) and they will fall to the ground, often revealing the real shooter, who is standing right behind them. They will not: a) be blown apart or move due to the impact of the bullet. b) finish their last action and shoot my ass. They are almost always dead before they hit the ground.

In addition, all bullets, no matter the caliber or how close the target, can be stopped by one body. Therefore you can stand directly behind somone and shoot them without harming the person who is standing directly in front of them.

Edited by thingything, Jan 14, 2004 @ 11:48 AM.

  • 0

#18

Eliot

Eliot

    Stalker

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 12:20 PM

And there is no such thing as an unfortunate ricochet.
  • 0

#19

Poodle Hat

Poodle Hat

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 12:49 PM

When the bad guy sprays the area I am in with machine gun fire, I will be unharmed. Despite the fact that the wall behind me is now riddled with bullet holes.
  • 0

#20

emace

emace

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 1:24 PM

More horse cliches

For lessons, TV kids are always attired in what would is usually just worn at horse shows - hunt jacket, tie, shiny long boots - instead of what real-life riders wear around the barn: sweatshirts, dirty paddock boots, t-shirts, etc.

Jumping is really easy, even beginners can do it fairly soon.

Young, inexperienced characters can ride stallions. In real life, most riders have/compete on geldings and mares - stallions are usually barred from junior exhibitor classes.

Horses have telepathy and also know right off the bat who the bad guys are and usually dump them in the mud/manure.
  • 0

#21

FfrauleinN

FfrauleinN

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 3:20 PM

Or a convenient filthy trough.

For lessons, TV kids are always attired in what would is usually just worn at horse shows - hunt jacket, tie, shiny long boots

Those are the awesome boots I was talking about! The shiny boots!
  • 0

#22

Poodle Hat

Poodle Hat

Posted Jan 14, 2004 @ 3:39 PM

Horses have telepathy and also know right off the bat who the bad guys are


This is true. Never trust someone your horse (or your dog) doesn't like.
  • 0

#23

bella1013

bella1013

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 15, 2004 @ 4:21 PM

When my child is in a kiddie soccer club, i will fall out with the referee during the game. I will claim to know how to take charge of a bunch of six year olds, even if i do not have a clue when it comes to my own kids. I will start coaching the team, and totally turn them against me.

tv kids will never deserve to be penalized during the game. Only the bullies from the other team know the meaning of a yellow or red card.

Edited by bella1013, Jan 17, 2004 @ 4:00 PM.

  • 0

#24

Shelwood

Shelwood

    Stalker

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 12:29 AM

It is perfectly okay for a woman to haul off and slap a man across the face. Oh, sure, he may be a little upset, but mostly his reaction will be, "I deserved that." And the reason he deserved it? Was for some slightly ungentlemanly behavior, like flirting with another woman or making an insulting, but not off-color, remark. Upon being smacked in the face, he won't swear, he won't hit back, and he certainly won't point out that it's physical abuse and call the police. (And neither will the President /cough/WestWing/cough/). A man may slap a woman across the face if A. she is hysterical and B. it is afternoon.
  • 0

#25

Aatrek

Aatrek

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 1:05 AM

Additionally, The Woman may slap and then kiss The Man; afterwards, The Man may both slap and then kiss The Woman.
  • 0

#26

rosiebloom

rosiebloom

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 1:48 AM

The slappiest slapper ever was Catherine from Newradio. I believe they once had a montage of her dolling it out.

The same rule applies to throwing a drink in a man's face.

Edited by rosiebloom, Jan 18, 2004 @ 1:50 AM.

  • 0

#27

Cloud McDuck

Cloud McDuck

    Video Archivist

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 12:12 PM

When two people are hiding from a villain, one of the characters will inevitably need to sneeze. He will make a big show of it going ah-Ah-AH...so that the other character can notice and clamp their hand over sneezing character's face. When it seems that the sneeze has passed, non-sneezing character will remove their hand, only for the other character to let out an enormous sneeze a few seconds later. No-one in TV-land has the ability to, you know, hold the damn sneeze in.
  • 0

#28

Sikamikanico

Sikamikanico

    Couch Potato

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 12:38 PM

I will always get befriended by a pleasant New Agey guy of roughly my age with whom I have zero romantic chemestry, but who always becomes my boyfriend. This guy is always contrasted favorably to the date rapist/frat boy/murder suspect who hassles me.


Well, naturally. According to Lifetime movies, normal men are always evil because penis=Evil Sceptor of Male Oppression Tactics; the New-Agey men (and I use that term loosely) who have no use for their genitalia except as a means of urinating are the only ones you can trust because they'll never try to have sex with you. As everyone knows, only 'Bad Girls' want a man to have a sexual relationship with; 'Good Girls' want a man who enjoys Enya, knitting, and perfoming weekend arts&crafts projects.
  • 0

#29

rosiebloom

rosiebloom

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 1:45 PM

All middle names by law are antiquated or unusual (Xavier), and the main character is embarrassed by it being revealed. For men, they must be feminine names, or we will find out their real first name is girlie, and what we call them by is their middle name or nickname.

(I should mention, on The Drew Carey Show, Drew's middle name is Allison, but that is the real Drew Carey's middle name.)
  • 0

#30

HeadCase

HeadCase

    Fanatic

Posted Jan 18, 2004 @ 2:48 PM

My favorite example of the weird real first name phenomenon was on Night Court when it was revealed that Dan's real name was Reinhold and Harry made fun of it. The show's creator was named Reinhold. Reinhold Weege, in fact.
  • 0