So while reading the Things I Actually Learned From TV thread, I started thinking about all the stuff I learned from school or somewhere (sometimes even other TV shows) that TV characters never seem to know. Examples:

Many many many years ago (I think I was about 10), when Dru on The Young and the Restless got her first modeling contract, she didn't read it. And not because she didn't know how to read (because she actually didn't for a while there, and then Neil made sure she learned how to right before this all happened so I was even more pissed off). So the entire scene, my 10 year old self is yelling at the TV READ. THE. CONTRACT. BEFORE. YOU. SIGN.

On an episode of Criminal Minds, someone was set on fire and they ran around like an idiot screaming instead of doing the whole Stop Drop & Roll thing I remember learning in like 1st grade. Again, more TV yelling ensued.

Though now thanks to Tyra Banks, that point was actually made on TV. Though in fiction you're generally right.

My favorite thing is financial aid. Not a single person on television seems to know how student loans and financial aid work. You either get a full scholarship from an outside foundation, have your rich parents pay the whole tuition, or you go to the local cheap school. No talk of Staffords, FAFSAs, institutional grants, etc. You would think that with all these parents with children bright enough to get into Harvard/Yale/Stanford etc. that these things would actually be researched.

Even The X-Files had Scully put out a guy on fire with a fire extinguisher. I was so disappointed in her.

Yes, if only Lincoln Burrows knew this, imagine how many people would not be dead. But then again, there seems to be a lot of things Lincoln didn't know.

No one who owns a sedan ever seems to check the back seat, allowing all sorts of bad guys to get the drop on our heroes.

Also, that going to the state school or local cheap school is not a death sentence. Most (if not all, I wager) state schools are actually very good!

Yes! I remember thinking this over and over again while watching The Best Years. The lead character, Samantha Best, got a full ride to an ivy in Boston (Harvard...but not). Yet, it didn't cover her meal plan. She kept going on and on about how she didn't have money. I'm here thinking, chick, can't you get a loan? It's not that hard!

To be fair back when I was still watching that show Lincoln didn't seem to know how to work buttons, so perhaps the complexity of the FAFSA being beyond him is actually an isolated touch of realism in that series.

As for everyone else on TV, I've got nothing.

I've noticed that in the Star Trek universe the most senior officers are usually the ones sent on away teams to strange unknown planets. It has occurred to me that you might use special teams of people specifically trained for these sorts of missions or even unmanned probes rather than risking your most essential personnel.

Nobody on TV knows how to end a phone call. A simple "Later" or "Bye" would suffice.

Joey Potter did, but she didn't want to take out a loan because she didn't want to leave college in debt, because she's a fucking idiot.

How about those Lifetime movies where some woman who's old enough to know better falls for a charismatic stranger and gets abused/he's a con artist/crazy/etc.

Gee, lady, you ever hear of something called 'Google'? Or maybe getting deeply involved with someone and/or marrying someone you've known for 3 weeks maybe wasn't such a good idea? Nope, it never seems to occur to these 30 somethings to check out the guy's background before making a commitment.

This is because of what's known as genre blindness. They live in a world where they don't have movies that can enighten them to this danger.

The thing that always bugged me on Star Trek was Starfleet is, in essence, the military in practice and command structure. However, no one apparentely ever took promotions when they came along. And at some point, in the military, those promotions aren't really choices that the person has. Its take it or get out of the military. These officers are stuck in the SAME POSITIONS for years at a time. Sure, with Picard or as the captain the promotions are fewer and farer between, but the junior offices have absolutely zero turnover it seems in 5-7 years time. They do address this I think by having Kirk promoted and demoted in the movies and making him and Spock co-captains or something (feel free to correct me on that), but still, its a stretch. Also one episode Riker mentions how he is passing over I believe a second chance at being captain. I cannot imagine a real military really giving him a third chance if he passes it up twice.

And yes, the away team thing NEVER made sense. Lots of good jokes about that have been done over the years.

This one doesn't belong to me, it's one a friend came up with for Star Trek, but I think it applies to the Enterprise, the TARDIS, and all those other spaceships equally:

You've figured out how to hyperdrive, how to travel in time AND space, how to planet hop...but you haven't figured out seat belts?

I want to shout at all the unwed teenage moms on 7th Heaven and Lifetime movies that they should have known to use condoms . . . except that most teens in real life aren't learning that in school either, so does it belong here?

I don't think the TARDIS ever had seats. Also, is it too much trouble to get whatever had to be fixed in it done so the TARDIS didn't look like a bloody police call box all the time? I mean, would anyone let a car malfunction that long?

To be fair, on 7th Heaven, condoms were more likely to get you knocked up.

I'm always suprised when teenagers on TV are like "I didn't know about condoms or birth control." Really? I don't remember anyone teaching it to me, but I picked it up.

I'm still amazed that on TV, city girls on camping trips never bring the essentials. I don't care how non-nature savvy you are, there is no reason why you can't get on eHow or something and look up what to bring on a camping trip. Yes, I'm aware that Jessica Simpson brought along her damn Louis Voutton purse camping on an episode of Newlyweds, but still...

Seatbelts on Star Trek? Well, I never! Why in the universe would they ever need seatbelts? ROFL. Your friend is awesome, D.C..

As for condoms, the real world doesn't seem like such a big fan of them either sometimes. Or more than one form of birth control. I always thought 2 forms were best since nothing is 100% except for the not-so-fun business of staying abstinent.

And while we're on the subject of TV sex, how is it that hardly any TV characters seem to know/talk about STDs? I mean, not juss AIDS or HIV but all of the dozens of other STDs.

Well, there was a syphilis outbreak during the first season of Grey's.

Speaking of Grey's, why do I know not to a) dare someone to lay in quick drying cement; b) pull them out as soon as their dumbass attempts said dare; and c) know to call the police as soon as the sitee starts yelling that he can no longer move?

I totally forgot about the syph somehow (don't ask me how because I still call George's syph nurse Typhoid Mary).

Well, I think that they knew all of this, but those kids were a bunch of asinine bullying narcissistic shitheads. Not to mention that said daree did not have to follow through on the dare. At 9 years old, maybe. NOT at 19 no matter how hot he thought stupid Lola was.

Caller ID. Why has no one on TV noticed that cell phones generally have caller ID? They always wonder who's calling, but never actually, y'know, look.

I've learned that if I am alone and there's a suspicious noise downstairs, I should maybe just call the police from there instead of wandering downstairs in nice lingerie and getting stabbed. Or at least, if I'm going to investigate, I should maybe take some kind of weapon.

I've also learned that if I am in a position where I may get attacked, I should probably learn self-defense, rather than waiting for my male co-star to show up and save me. Or carry a weapon and actually use it.

Adding to this one: if you come home and see your front door open, call the cops. Don't just walk in and take a look around.

We'd probably run out of plots for any single-in-the-city/romantic-comedy sitcom if sitcom characters knew this, but I've learned that you should probably get the whole story before going ballistic when you see your guy in public with another woman. Yeah, he could be cheating, but it's far more likely on every one of these shows that it's his sister, niece, new co-worker, dad's trophy wife or something else totally innocent, and you'll just embarrass yourself when you overreact and make a scene before finding out what's going on. You'll get much better results and save yourself some humiliation if you casually approach them, greet them and wait for him to introduce her than if you sneak around, hiding behind potted plants, and then confront them loudly. If he's cheating, unless he's a pathological liar you'll catch his discomfort with the casual greeting. If he's not cheating and there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, it's better to find out before you've dumped an ice bucket on him in the middle of a restaurant.

More specific to the Sex and the City gals, I've learned, even as a non-New Yorker, that New York City has these trains that run underground that can take you places pretty quickly, no matter how bad traffic is on the streets. True, they don't necessarily take you everywhere, and they are subject to their own delays, but if you're going to miss your best friend's birthday party due to a traffic jam caused by a street closure, maybe you should try getting on the (gasp!) subway, ride it past the major traffic jam area, and then go aboveground to catch a cab to your destination (if you can't walk there in your expensive shoes) rather than just sitting in the back of a cab stuck in a traffic jam and missing the party entirely.

So did he win a Darwin award?

The bad guy who is looking at the undercover agent's phone WILL notice the caller ID.

Here's something that's always bugged me. When a character writes an awesome essay or gives a stirring speech, no one seems to realize that it was only a couple sentences, maybe a paragraph. Don't the teachers ever catch this? I realize there are time constraints, but they don't even indicate that there is more to it.

I know that learning this lesson would ruin the plots of many a sitcom episode, but I've found that in general telling the truth is much better than concocting some elaborate lie that is bound to be exposed.

Can you explain that concept to my son, who is not, in fact, a TV character? Thanks.

never mind

If you walk in on a dead body, don't touch it or pick up the weapon near it. Call the cops or just wait because they're probably on their way already.

LOCK YOUR DAMN DOOR.

This is something that is common sense so people don't just walk into your house and rob you blind. However, the bonus for TV characters is that the annoying neighbor/friend/relative/etc. won't be able to to just walk into your house whenever they feel like it and commence annoying you and your family.

If you can't tell, this bugs the shit out of me. This may be because I have a low tolerance for annoying TV characters. However, another thing I learned that would be great for TV characters to learn: if someone annoys you that damn much, avoid them, revoke their open invitation to your house, or whatever you need to do to keep them away from you. The reduction in stress will be great.

And look through the peephole before opening it!

Naw, 'cause then they'll shoot you through the eye.

Apparently, it's a rule in TV land that no man can handle detergent. Whether it's a sitcom Dad or bachelor, how many scenes have we watched where he's to start a load of laundry or the dishwasher. He stares at the detergent box blankly, then shrugs and pours in half the contents. (Read the directions? That's for pussies!) Cut to the scene five minutes later where the mammoth suds are pouring out of the machine and flooding the floor. Man races in, slips on floor, disappears in the bubbles. Hilarity ensues. Aaargggh!

Never mind.

Why doesn't anyone on TV seem to know there are stages of activity between kissing and intercourse?

And don't bring them on vacations with your family, either.

You just solved the central conflict of Everybody Loves Raymond. Every episode I was screaming at the TV "Just keep the damn door locked!'' Actually, I was usually screaming "Crush that red headed harpie's skull!"

I think a lot of shows acknowledge these activites. Not as many as you'd think, since most of these activities are better than the actual act of sex, but it's not a chaste wasteland.

A lot of sci fi shows repeat the "we only use a small portion of our brains" myth. This is not true, we use all of our brains, just not at the same time.

I learned fairly early on if a machine presents w/ a problem more than once, it's likely to continue being a problem.

Which is why I could never understand why on ST:TNG, they keep trusting Data not to fuck up. Seriously, how many times is Data going to malfunction, get taken over, etc. before the crew sees him as a major liability. That's why I don't drive my 1983 Subaru more than 20 miles from home.

LOL. That was my opinion of the Holodeck. Seriously, that's why I stopped watching around the second season, when they had one too many damn episodes about that stupid Deck.

Thank you! And how many crime shows have the sheriff saying that the townsfolk still leave their doors unlocked at night? Didn't people stop doing that after the Manson Family Murders? It's 2008, people don't lock their doors? For real?

Someone posted that City girls don't bring supplies when camping - I have noticed them bringing supplies -usually carried by their butler - including lots of electronic items that need to be plugged in. Never a sleeping bag, cook stove, drop cloth, etc. Oh, and they try hiking in brand new, totally unsuitable shoes.


BTW, my sister lives out in the country and left her door unlocked. And ended up with an intruder, a few weeks ago. Luckily, she studied opera and let out such a scream that I am sure the dude was shitting bricks on his way out.

We never lock our doors here, and I leave my keys in the car. This may just be because I live in Alaska. Maybe.

I wouldn't be entirely at ease doing that even there, mpp. A friend of mine lived in a fairly remote part of Alaska for a year and caught someone trying to creep in one of his windows late at night.

Tell me about it. I left my bus unlocked in Alaska a few years back, and all manner of trouble has resulted from that.
Can you image the nerve of some people who will just move into another person's property?

The houses in the middle of nowhere seem like they ATTRACT trouble. There are no neighbors who might hear you scream, no one driving along the road who might report a suspicious person. Why is that TV characters think the middle of nowhere is SAFE?

After a series of hijinks and/or mayhem, Seinfeld did once note "I've got to start locking that door."

They'll show characters having sex, but heaven forfend somebody touch a breast (clothed or not) or even mention a hand job!

Once, I want to hear a doctor say, "the bullet went through his brain, but it's OK - it only hit in the 90% he wasn't using."