Give your favorite (or non-favorite) characters some much-needed advice. One example:
Lana Lang:

You have to start owning up to your actions. You have hurt a lot of people recently in your quest for revenge. So what if some of them were Luthors? Other victims were a cancer-stricken man, a very ill woman, and one of your close friends. Start apologizing to them with no excuses or justifications. Also, find out what you really want in your relationship with Clark and see whether or not you can actually get it. You may have to consider the possibility that the both of you will need to move on from each other. Lastly, stop taking people for granted. As you are experiencing with Chloe now, they won't always forgive you for everything that you do.

Or: die.

What a great idea for a thread.

Claire Bennet [Heroes]: Your father loves you. He loves you so much he will literally do anything to make sure that you are safe and have a chance at a good life. He may not be the easiest guy to understand, and he may dabble in some morally grey areas that truly give you pause, but his main motivation is to keep. you. safe. So cut him a little slack next time you want to blame him for everything wrong with the state of your little world, ok? You can disagree with him and there will come a time when you will definitely have to make all the big decisions by yourself, but that doesn't mean it's ok to tell him he's horrible and evil and you hate him. The fact that you do this repeatedly, in spite of all the evidence that he, in fact, loves you beyond reason, only makes you seem like a bratty kid, not the independent young woman you yearn to be.

The Haitian [Heroes]:

You know, you really gotta get out more. You hang around HRG like you're his manservant. And the next time Claire whips out those wind chimes, tell her she can shove them up her butt, this aint the antebellum south. For god sakes, get a nice hat, go on a vacation or two and have some fun! And some will of your own.

Dr. Gaius Baltar [Battlestar Galactica]:

You were the leading cyberneticist in the Twelve Colonies, before everything went to Hades. I must therefore conclude that somewhere in your head, there's a perfectly functional brain. You're just not using it.

For crying out loud, your life is at the mercy of what little remains of humanity. It's perfectly plain that even if the Cylons would take you back, your value to them would end the moment they managed to finally eradicate your fellow organics. Is it really the smartest decision in the world, to rile up the people who have the power to shove you out an airlock at will? Do you really think some bumpkin on the refinery ship, or washing pots in the galley of the former commuter ship the President rides in now, would put their lives on the line to save you if Madame President decided you were a waste of valuable food and air, just because you both came from Aerolon? Especially when you've done everything you can to hide that, up until writing your little manifesto?

Look, Gaius, buddy, take some free advice. Sit back, let the crazy ladies feed and house you for now, enjoy some wild brainsex with your imaginary girlfriend, and as soon as it's to your advantage, turn those weirdos over to the Fleet as potential saboteurs. Maybe you can use that, and the fact that despite everything you're still the smartest person around, to buy your way back into the good graces of the Admiral. (I think Roslin's a lost cause; you've already buggered that one up but good - but the Admiral might still listen to reason.)

Ten [Doctor Who]:

Stop saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," so much. 95% of the time you don't sound sincere and it comes off as patronising. Next time something bad hapens to someone say what you really feel, like "heh sucks to be you," instead that tired and trite apology.

Oh yeah, and get over Rose already. I know you loved her and all, but after 900 years of travelling and companions, you should know that she wouldn't be around forever.

This is an excerpt from a review I did of an episode of Ghost Whisperer.

Oh, and because it can't be said enough... How hard is it to buy a fucking taser or some mace? She goes alone into complete stranger's houses all the time and says things that will make them angry. What if one of these people is particually aggressive, or on drugs or something?

Dr. Cameron [House]:

Just marry Chase and forget about House.

Lana Lang: Your parents died when you barely toilet-trained. No one buys that you remember them or miss them. Quit your whining and stop playing the sympathy card. My husband was 17 when his father died, but he's still able to function as a human being.

Niki from Heroes: Get a spine! You have super strength, which is an awesome, useful power! Use it to your advantage! You can kick more than a little ass now, quit with the quivering lip routine! Have a little spunk, woman!

Joey from Friends: You'll never make it as an actor. Face facts, get a real job, and crack open a book sometime.

Dr. Cox from Scrubs: Lay off Elliot. Pick on JD all you want, but leave Elliot alone. She's done nothing to you, and unlike JD, she's made strides to be independent and mature. Yeah, she can be neurotic and annoying, but nobody's perfect. Back off.

Scully from The X-Files:

Much as it kills me to give you this advice - leave. Do NOT accept the assignment to the X-files, unless you want your entire life to be ruined, because that is what will happen. If you do go ahead and accept the position... well, don't have that chip in your neck removed. Seriously, don't. Also, provide all your family with guns, weapons training, and self-defense lessons. Read up on mothers with supernatural children, and how to deal with it in a rational way. Avoid the bees. And DON'T let Mulder go back to Bellefleur, Oregon.

To Dr. Roy Hinkley, Thurston III & Lovey Howell, Mary Ann Summers & Ginger Grant,

Don't ever get on a boat piloted by Jonas Grumby and Willy Gilligan again. The last time you did so, you lost over 30 years of your lives on a forsaken island.

To Wile E. Coyote, Genius-at-Large:
Do not accept any packages from Acme, Inc. Return to sender, immediately.

To Izzie Stevens from Grey's Anatomy:
Izzie, I strongly urge you to seek out therapy. You have clear attachment issues. Your need to poke your nose is your patients' business is not kind and compassionate. It's annoying and unprofessional and in some cases unethical (see Denny for example). Going out on a couple of dates with a guy does not make you the guy's girlfriend. I further find evidence of attachment issues in the way you handled your night stand with the very married George. Stalking a man that is telling you to leave him alone is not love. Yes, I know eventually he started to believe he loved you. But he told on several occasions to back off and you did not listen. Instead, you continued to obsess and even had the nerve to compare your actions to Meredith's and Christina's (NOT THE SAME!). Finally, getting pissed off at Meredith and Christina for having a close friendship is further evidence you have difficulty handling personal attachments.

To Elmer Fudd,

Take up squirrel hunting.

To Jaime from Bionic Woman:

Take off those freakin' heels! You already look like a giraffe on crutches when you run. And for heaven's sake, quit leaving your sister with men you just met. Clean up your act and buy a different outfit before you find yourself on "What Not To Wear".

To Reverend and Annie Camden from 7th Heaven:

Get the twins speech therapy, and for the love of G-d, do not homeschool them.

Also, Jaime, if a bad guy has the wherewithal to figure out who you are, it doesn't take any more moxie to figure out that you have a sister, or where to find her. This whole "I can't tell her because it would put her in danger" thing only works if you're Superman, and wear a colorful spandex outfit while you're working. Just because the creepy balding guy you work for is obsessed with keeping secrets, doesn't mean you have to treat your sister like an idiot. All it's ever going to accomplish is pissing her off. So frakking TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON ALREADY! And tell her that if some chick who looks like Starbuck from BSG starts getting friendly, it's a setup, and she should run the other way fast.

To Lt. Col. Henry Blake (M*A*S*H),

I know you can't wait to get home, but don't get on that plane in Tokyo! Please take a boat to the States instead.

This advice can be forwarded to everyone on GA. Meredith Grey, this means you. Seriously.

To Jack Bauer (24):

Take a sick day.

To Lila (Dexter)

He's Just Not That Into You. Seriously, run!

To Jack Shephard (Lost):


Shut up. Please, just shut up.

To Michael Scofield: Quit the whispery crap and speak up. I shouldn't have to use my closed captioning to understand what you're saying.

Dear Chuck (Pushing Daisies):

You know how just one touch from Ned could kill you? Yeah, it might be a good idea if you would a) wear more clothing (long sleeves, at least) when you're around him, b) stay back at least six inches from him at all times, and/or c) move far, far away, and communicate by e-mail. I realize that you are legally dead, but I'm sure someone (maybe Emerson) could get you a fake Social Security number/ birth certificate/ etc.

To Adam (Mythbusters): I love you dearly, but please, please stop it with the accents. I'm begging you.

Dear Buffy Summers:

There are so many pieces of advice that you need, but my computer may just die of exhaustion if I try to list them all. So here's a simple one to get the ball rolling: There are other tacit ways to express feelings of anger/frustration/exhaustion/exasperation besides rolling your eyes. Please learn them.

Heh. Word.

Also to Jack Shepherd:
Always tell Sayid.
Always listen to what Sayid has to say.
Stop letting your emotions, usually anger, guide what you do as leader.
Stop dicking around with Kate. I don't like her, but you repetitively making her cry makes me feel sorry for her.
If the thing Juliet wants most is to go home, then the next logical step to make is that she is going to do whatever she thinks will most likely get her home. As it happens, you got lucky and she decided that was siding with you guys. That doesn't mean she won't betray you in future. Also, the fact that she told you everything, but about a week after she got there, means that she was considering carrying out Ben's plan. It's not hard to figure this shit out, Jack. Look past her expressively unexpressive pretty face for once.
Your future beard is awful.

To Kate
Pick a guy and stick with it.
If you pick Jack, stop letting him walk all over you. If you don't pick Jack, stop letting him walk all over you.
Be nicer to Sawyer.
Hang out with some chicks, will you? I miss the girly scenes.
Don't get pregnant. No, seriously, do not get pregnant. Too many pregnancies already.

To Sawyer
Go back to never wearing a shirt, like in Season 1.

To Sun
Please don't die!

Oh, no way in hell can I resist this --

To Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk:
You are not a hero. You are an allegedly ultra-desirable, affluent white guy who gets laid a lot. Your access to gender,race and class privilleges is what allows you to live you life on your own terms.There's a fucking difference.
Your honesty is limitted to the contempt that you show everyone including the men you sleep with. There's just a little bit more to being honest than sincere assoholery and (the fact that this needs to be said is precisely why you're not as desirable as you like to think) a sincere asshole is still an asshole.

To Ted from Queer as Folk:
You need new friends. You were raped during a meth-induced black-out. While you may have placed yourself in the less than safe situation where it happened, it's not your fault, it's the degenrate fucks who took turns sexually assaulting you while you were unconscious who are to blame. The equally degenerate fucks who you think of as a chosen family did not offer you one iota of support or compassion choosing instead to only show disdain for actions you took while suffering from a debillitating addiction. If some I thought of as family were raped I would be a hell of a lot more upset than Emmet, Lidsay and Mel were while they watched a tape of you being violated (that's called evidence, by the way). That's not family. Cut these people out of your life. Now.

p.s. if you still have the tape go to the police and press charges against the men who raped you. Whether they get convicted or not, it will be a chance for you to gain some closure over what happened to you.

p.s.s. you're not, nor have you ever been, ugly. Hopefully, addressing your sexual assault will help you gain the strength you need to never allow another vapid, vaccuous piece-of-shit hottie to treat you like you're worthless.

To Martha Jones form Doctor Who:
You are a brave, intelligent and hard-working young woman with an enormous amount to offer anyone. The being that you've developed feelings for is (a) not human in mind nor in body, (b) living in the shadow of indescribable trauma and ( c) is in his most assholish incarnation since his sixth persona. He simply appears to be a (really vain) cute guy. He cannot offer you the affection or even friendship you need and even if he could, he hasn't earned it (apparently, you're a rebound). Travel with him, learn from him, enjoy the adventures and understand that he's not the person he used to be.

To Rose from Doctor Who:
However painful your seperation from the Doctor may be, you must move on. See to your education (which incidentally you abandoned in favour of another older man). Be attentive to your family and do not treat them as a poor consolation prize/substitute for the Doctor. Your career with Torchwood will probably require an enourmous amount of training so the education advice above will be vital. 'Knowing stuff' will give important context to what you saw and experienced travelling in the TRADIS.

Do not under any circumstances pursue a relationship with Mickey. Do not have sex with him. He may still be vulnerable to you so the temptation will be there. Apologize for fucking with his feelings and keep your damn distance. Avoid building your identity around your romantic relationships, if you don't know who you are when you don't have a boyfiriend, you shouldn't have a fucking boyfriend. Focus on you family, career and helping people. That baby Jackie's expecting means you're a role model now so for Gallifrey's sake, get your shit together.

Right on to your Brian and Ted advice.

Brian probably feels like a hero because, for a while, he kept solving everyone's problems by writing big checks. Which was possible, of course, because of his excessively paying job. Brian, I hope you appreciate that your charmed life had more to do with your 20 something, athletic-ish looks than your smarts or your charming personality.

Ted, you have a lot to offer the world. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Maybe hanging with people closer to your age or older will help you stop feeling like an old hag.

Fadooski, pretty much all of that Rose Tyler entry should probably be spoiler-tagged. I mean, it's bad enough that I was already spoiled about her return, but you're letting slip actual plot points there.

*ahem*

To Nathan Petrelli:

The next time you set up a press conference which is sure to piss off a shadowy corporation full of people with superhuman powers and intensive weapons training, wear a frikkin' bulletproof vest!

Oh, I can't resist.

To any and all suspects on Cold Case, Part of the reason the case wasn't solved when it happened is because the police didn't have enought physical evidence to prove what happened. Evidence does not usually turn up 10 years later and if it does, a good lawyer can probably argue that it is not as compelling as it looks. So, if you are suddenly being questioned about that guy who died after you pushed him in a fit of anger, zip your lips, lawyer up, and DO NOT blab all the details to the police when they question you. For heaven's sake, you've managed to keep your trap shut for all these years, just keep up the good work. And if the investigation has stirred up feelings of guilt and you just HAVE to tell someone, tell your priest, who can't testify against you. Don't tell the nice police person, who is getting paid to put you in the pokey for 20 years.

To Clark Kent:

Please, pretty please, for the love of all that is good and decent, end your relationship with Lana now! It's painfully obvious to everyone (except you) that you two have nothing in common other than longing looks and inane whispering. Plus, I know you don't like to admit this, but you have a future ahead of you that does not include playing house with The Pink. I know how much you want a normal life, but it's time you accepted that it's just not in the cards for you. You can do so much for the people of the world, and they need you. Just talk to Chloe, and listen to everything she says. One last thing: learn to fly already!

PS. I agree with everything that jessicajason wrote but I would like to add that you should stay shirtless alot more often. I might start watching again.

Thank you KissedByARose. How could I have forgotten that most important bit of advice?

What are you talking about? All of the plot points in my advice came from the finale of season 2. I don't know any more than you do.

To Noah Bennett:
I like that you are devoted to protecting Claire (and the other two) from the Company (that you just rejoined) and you are hot. Indeed, you are very sexy.
But you need to be honest with yourself about why you're such a bad-ass. You like the violence, you enjoy having power over people and you got off on most if not all of the nasty shit you were asked to do for Weyland Yutani Wanabees Inc.. And, really, you're not actually sorry for furnishing the nightmares of innocent people (some of whom were kids like Claire). If Claire is being a little difficult is probably because she can sense that part of you. Do not kid yourself, that shit come home with you whether you want it to or not.

p.s. Fuck your wife. Given all of the crap you've put her through, the least you can do is provide her with sexualized physical affection, great sex, multiple orgams and anything that will validate her as a desirable erotic being. On demand. I don't care if you're tired, stressed or depressed, remove the phrase 'not in the mood' from your vocabulary.

To Lindsey MacDonald (Angel The Series) You are not a sweet young thing in a slip dress, therefore, Angel has no interest in redeeming you. In the last three years, Angel has been a complete hypocrit towards you, (see last sentence) assaulted you, tried to get you 'Rodney King'd' by the LAPD and chopped off your hand. Do not, under any circumstances, believe anything he says or do his dirty work for him - you'll end up betrayed and dead.

Veronica Mars: Stop taking Wallace for granted. He's fifty times the friend Lilly ever was.

To Lexie Grey of Grey's Anatomy.
Call your sister Molly, have a good talk and cry over everything that is wrong in your life, make friends with the other interns, hang out with the other interns, and then stop all that bullshit about having no one. You want alone? Meredith at the start of GA. Want to know why she's not alone anymore? Because she chose not to be and went and found some people to have. Follow her example.

To Emily Sullivan from Jericho.
1. I never want to hear you tell Jake anything like he's the one who should be dead [meant in a "I wish you were dead," way] again. In fact, never tell that to anyone ever again.
2. You and Jake obviously have a lot of issues. Have a calm and rational discussion about them, and if you still can't have a relationship, and more importantly be happy in that relationship, break up for good, and don't share scenes of angsty awkwardness to show you still love each other.
3. Never again do a brave and generous deed that could save lives and help the entire town - and that almost gets you shot - as your own twisted version of flirting again. And if you do, don't make it blatantly obvious in the next scene.
4. Don't try to kiss other guys while still wearing your engagement ring.
5. Don't immedietly start flirting the episode after your fiance left town.
6. If you want to come on a mission, explain reasonably and rationally why this would be a good idea. you can be insistant while still being reasonable and rational. Certainly don't just demand to come along for no reason whatsoever like a spoilt and extremely annoying younger sibling. Compare yourself in 1.21Coalition of the Willing with Heather in 1.13Black Jack.

[Talk about Jake, Eric and Hawkins going to scout the enemy]
Emily: *Walking up* I'm coming with you. That was not a request.

[Talk about Jake going to Black Jack Fairgrounds, now a trading post of sorts, to get a governer so they can build windmills]
Heather: I'm coming too.
Jake: Not a chance in hell.
Heather: Would you know a working mechanical governer for a wind turbine if you saw one?
Jake: *Unconvincingly* Yes.
Heather: *Gives him a look*
Jake: No. I'm not taking passingers out there. No. No. No.
Heather: Jake, [other person who knows mechanics] has a family. I can help. You need me.

You see the difference? Also, the folks going to Black Jack had need for Heather's knowledge of mechanics. What did you have that would help the guys scouting? For christ's sakes, the last time you shot a guy you had a mental breakdown. Not a recommendation for going on a mission where you might have to shoot people. As far as I can see, the only reason you had to go was flirt/spend time with Jake. Now, what did I tell you about pulling dangerous acts to flirt?
6. Make a facial expression occasionally.
7. Take out your hair extensions.
8. In the post-nuclear-apocalypse world, it's okay if your hair and make-up aren't perfect all the time. People no longer care if you look a little mussed, because they're too busy trying to avoid starvation. Also, if you're going off to be in th frontlines of a war, no one will notice or care if your hair is done up in a pretty and intricate french twist. They're too busy trying not to get shot or bleed to death from their bullet wounds.
9. Not everything is about you.
10. There was a nuclear apocalypse. Your life can no longer be a soap opera. Accept it and move on. Find your place in the apopalyptic world.
11. If you know the relationship between you and your fiance is not going to work, tell him.
12. Show a little more concern and caring for your supposed best friend.
13. The teens who cared about school to begin with no longer care about it much when there's a good chance they could die of starvation or hypothermia and they could be spending their time trying to stop that from happening by growing food or chopping wood. I guess it's just a weird teenager thing to be like that.
14. If you're having hallucinations, seek medical and psychological attention. At least tell someone, so they can get you medical and psychological attention.
15. Baking a cake for someone will not miracuously heal the pain of losing their husband. It's like in that episode of The Simpsons, where Apu and Mandula have eight babies to take care of, so Marge decides to help by baking banana bread. Then when they enter the land of octuplet-induced stress and hell, Apu and Mandula are all, "Banana bread?! Are you a fucking moron?" Too bad The Simpsons are gone in Jericho, because you really should see that episode. Try giving Gail a soothing drink, or cooking her a meal so she won't have to. Cake does nothing. As someone has said over at the CBS boards, cake is for celebrations.
16. Furthermore, cake wastes precious, limited ingredients that could have been used to make something filling and nutritious.
17. As Keckler has pointed out, you waste an awful lot of candles that you might need for light later by burning six at a time, in like every room.
18. If you don't feel like doing all this, then shut up.
19. Or leave town.
20. Or tell Mimi, while she has an axe in your hand, that you're a chocolate-stealing chicken. In other words, die.

To every character on Grey's Anatomy:

Stop having sex and focus on your fucking patients. And invest in a damn good therapist.

I thought that said "focus on fucking your patients." Of course, they already have that covered.

To Corporal Klinger,

The gig is up. If you were really crazy, you wouldn't have stopped wearing womens' clothes in the last few seasons.

To Edgar at CTU,

Next time there is a chemical attack on CTU, try not to be the last one to get to the conference room. Oops, too late.

Prison Break

Dear Lincoln Burrows circa 1992,

Go to the local bookstore or library and ask for books on financial aid for college. Better yet, get your brother to do it.

***

Friday Night Lights

Dear Tim,

Two words: Call Street. And if for some reason he doesn't take you in, I hear Buddy's got an extra bed.


Dear Julie,

Regarding Matt and your breakup, STFU and own it! You want to be treated more like a grown up, act like it. You trying to act like it was Matt's fault and Dillon's fault and the universe's fault is downright trifling. It's want you wanted, so act like it. And if you realize now you made a mistake, own it and go for yours. And if he doesn't want you back, oh well. That's life. It does go on.


Dear Tami,

Regarding your sister and her life, don't take this the wrong way because I love you but STFU! We get it. You disapprove. She's helping you out so the least you could do it, lay off. She'll change when she's ready if that day ever comes.


Edited b/c I can't add.

Jason Street and Billy Riggins:

You have a friend/brother called Tim Riggins. Help him, NOW!

To the Griffin family of Quahog, Rhode Island:

Stewie will grow out of his homicidal urges. Meg, though... well, start apologizing. All of you. Now.

To Charlie Brown,
Next time Lucy Van Pelt holds a football, swing wide with your left leg and plant your left foot on her butt.

Hee! A lot.

To Patrick, on General Hospital:

No matter how much of a dog you are, don't sleep with the chick whose already gone a bit nuts on you. This will not end well and you know it. If you're going to have constant casual sex, pick a woman who hasn't expressed fury and bitter rage at you for your previous casual sex.


To Leyla, on General Hospital:

Die.

I respectfully disagree, on several counts. I like Sayid, but he's the same dude who's responsible for two-less-than-brilliant plans, one of which got Jack, Kate and Sawyer captured by The Others and another that got a boat destroyed and almost got Sun killed. The only time Jack ever deliberately made Kate cry was in "Whatever the Case May Be," when she was trying to play Jack and Jack called her on it. However, my advice to Jack is: lighten up. Stop beating yourself up for things that aren't your fault, or aren't totally your fault anyway. For example, you may not have been the best husband in the world, but Sarah was a worse wife, if her adultery was any indication. The deaths of Boone, Boone's dad/Shannon's stepdad and Marshal Shrapnel weren't your fault, either. You did everything you could to for the first two, but they were beyond help. As for Marshal Shrapnel,all you did was put him out of his misery. What's more, you didn't kill that pregnant patient either, your father did-the emotionally abusive drunk who knew better than to perform surgery whil capacitated, but didn't care. Then again, since he was the man who treated you like shit most of your life, you shouldn't be suprised. BTW, keep the beard if you must, but lose the drug habit and the martyr complex. And don't trust Juliet.

My advice to Sawyer: cut the nicknames. They're pointless and annoying, much like your relationship with Kate, IMO. News flash: in your case, sex in general and cage sex in particular, isn't love, it's lust. In the future, you should save it for someone who actually says "I love you" and means it.



I somewhat agree. My advice to Kate: Make a decision-either Jack or Sawyer. Don't make goo-goo eyes at one one moment and do the nasty with another the next. When you do finally choose, telling him about your estranged husband, the cop, would be nice. Oh, and sto worshipping Jack. He doesn't want you to. He didn't ask you to, so stop doing it, for both your sakes.

Ooh! Cool thread.

To Niki on "Heroes" if she's still alive:
Go back to college. Read some books. If you don't want to spend too much time away from your little boy, open an Internet business or become a freelance on-line journalist. Start understanding that you have a mind as well as a heart, and that mind needs a little exercise and development. That way you can follow a path that both you and Micah can be proud of.

To Maggie on "Northern Exposure":
Get the h*** over yourself.

To Shelly on "Northern Exposure":
For God's sweet sake, CRACK A BOOK once in a while!!!

To Lana on "Smallville":
Get the h*** over yourself. Then leave town, so that we don't have to look at you anymore and Clark may fall in love with someone a little more deserving of devotion.

To Donna, the "runaway bride" on Doctor Who:
There is more to life than the doings of Brad and Angelina. Start discovering that and become curious about things that actually matter. That way you won't leave yourself open to the scorn of SOB's like Lance, and you just might be a worthy companion to the Doctor, instead of the Tegan 2.0 you're promising to be.

To prospective college students:

Do not go to Hudson University in New York City. If you do not heed my advice, chances are you will be raped, murdered, sodomized by your faternity brothers, drugged by your sorority sisters, develop a violent gambling addiction or a myriad of other misfortunes that will cause the Manhattan Special Victims Unit to interfere with your life or afterlife. Go to other NYC universities at your own risk, since you will not be immune to being raped by the star basketball player, drunkenly falling to your death, being violated after death by your creepy French Literature TA, getting pregnant by your father and dumping your baby in a dumpster, or having questionable sex with your thesis advisor.

Dear TV characters, in general:

Stop moving to Wysteria Lane. The stoopid will suck the very lives from your souls.