The person above you will tell you who America's Next Top Model is. But wait! You will find a reason why this person is not qualified to be America's Next Top Model, and then tell who the title then has to go to.

America's Next Top Model is... Jaeda (too easy)!

The person above me said Jaeda. I say, Jaeda cannot be America's Next Top Model because she accidentally exposed her testicles during the swimsuit photoshoot, and there's only so much photoshop can erase, the mental damage will always be there.

So, that means America's Next Top Model is....Furonda!

The person above me said Furonda. I say, Furonda cannot be America's Next Top Model because her broke ass crown didn't even have real diamonds.

So, that means America's Next Top Model is... Magdalena!

Sorry, I miscommunicated how you reply. You do not have to begin with "The person above me said ___. I say,". Sorry, continue on...

Magdalena can't be America's Next Top Model, because... wait, who is she again? Plus, her, erm, blinding beauty, broke the camera lense.

So the new ANTM is... Megg!

Hell no! Megg has a prior commitment to go on tour with her band, the Bearded Ladies. RAWK 'N ROLL!!!!

That means America's Next Top Model is...Jayla!

Jayla can't be America's Next Top Model because she's too busy learning how to use a toothbrush, and trust me, it's a long time coming, so let's leave her to it.

That means America's Next Top Model is... Natasha!

Natasha cannot be ANTM because, although she very happy to be here in front of you, she too maskerline to see her alive. Wait.....we're going to Oshtraileya? Oh my goddddddd! *cries*

That means ANTM is..... Whitney!

Whitney cannot be ANTM because they couldn't find the extension belt for her to safely fly on the ANTM Express to Sydney. Those seats are designed for regular sized head shots, not plus sized.

That means ANTM is...Beerweav...err...Tiffany!

Tiffany cannot be ANTM because Tyra never yelled at a girl like this in her life before that.

So ANTM is now...Brittany (cycle 4).

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Brittany can't be ANTM because she seems more interest in the booze than in the modeling.

So ANTM is... Gina!

Gina can't be ANTM because the beaver called and asked for its teeth back.

So ANTM is.... Victoria!

But as soon as Victoria won, Twiggy cut her. Even Yalies bleed.

That means the new ANTM is...Cycle 5 Sarah!

But Sarah can't be America's Next Top Model because when babies see her, they all start to cry, (ah hell, whenever anyone sees her they start crying, jeez she's ugly...) and an important part of being ANTM is being a good spokesperson.

That means America's Next Top Model is Smellrose!

Melrose was too short, old, and couldn't be bothered to get out of bed for less than $1 million to model.

So congratulations, Ebony (cycle 9), you are now ANTM!

Ebony, upon seeing her name and picture on the big screen, decided to quit...as in quit being ANTM. So the title went to...

...Kathleen. Kathleen is America's Next Top Model!!!

Well, Kathleen can't be America's Next Top Model because we actually managed to lose her in that monster of an afro of her's.

So America's Next Top Model is... Bre!

Bre can't participate because God don't like ugly and she's still looking for someone to blame about her damn granola bar.

I present to you YaYa as ANTM.

Yaya can't be ANTM because she's too busy studying psychology more. Between Ty-Rex and Pigford, that's pretty much a lifetime of study.

So, America's Next Top Model is...Ann.

Ann cannot be America's Next Top Model because once Janice called her Ann the Man, it was all over for her.

So, I guess that means America's Next Top Model is... Lisa!

Ann can't be ANTM because a top model has to respect other's belongings and cannot mutilate someone's precious brownies.

So, ANTM is... Anna!

Which Lisa? (If you give a name that belongs to more than one hamster, could you please specify? Thanks!)

Ah sorry!

C5's Lisa... Kanine, you have a tendency to post at the same time as others. Just a note... :)

Lisa was disqualified because it turns out she already had a modeling contract with Depends.

That means the new ANTM is...Bethany!

Ah, but Bethany can't be ANTM because America's Next Top Model has to be a human, and they soon found out that Bethany is actually, in fact, a big breasted horse.

That means ANTM is... Ebony(C1)!

Ebony can't be ANTM she's a *dionne voice* FREAKING LEEEESSSSBO.

That means ANTM is...TYRA! (ha, thread over)

The thread is not over. Tyrah cannot be ANTM because they would never let a plussie win.

Therefore, as we cannot break THAT barrier, we will have another first: ANTM is The Twins. (Michelle and Amanda)

The Twins can't be the Top Model(s) because they look alike and they have different personalities...which is great. *pfffffffff* Cari, you farted!

So America's Next Top Model is...Monique!

Considering that Cover Girl just became Cover *Boy* because Monique might have won the title -- she is no longer princess of this throne!


That means America's ... Next... Top... Model is... Kim (S5)!

America's Next Top Model can't have gone to a lesbian college. Kimmy's OUT!!!

That means that you're America's Next Top Model, "Kristi" !!!

It turns out "Kristi" is in the Witness Protection Program and that quarter page spread on page 748 of Junior Greenland Vogue is still too much exposure and would compromise her anonymity.

That means ANTM is now...Anchal!

ANTM can't be Anchal because she was broke-ass and so not fierce with those fake Aishwarya contacts. We want REAL GIRLS to exploit...er, to win America's Next Top model!

That means ANTM is now Dionne!

Dionne is too busy fixing her baby's hair. Who knows what the fuck her sister did to it?

That means America's Next Top Model is...C5 Sarah!

Sarah's fallen on the runway and she can't get up.

That means America's Next Top Model Camille's gotta stomp over her with her signature walk!

Sure, Camille has a signature walk, but can she walk that way all day, every day? I thought not!

That means America's Next Top Model is now Lluvy!

Turns out Lluvy agreed to use her sequins to blind the other girls so she can win.

So, this means Americas Next Top Model is.. Bre!

Bre got disqualified after pouring red bull all over Tyra's weave.

America's Next Top Model is therefore...Brandy!

Her freaky red weave made a joke to make itsself laugh, and was therefore disqualified.

Americas Next Top Model is.. Bianca!

The people of Queens made her eat her old magenta weave after categorizing their neighborhood as hell-hole.

America's Next Top model is... Janet!

Janet? Who? Exactly.

Americas Next Top Model is.. Toccara!

Tocarra was disqualified after her puppies bounced out of her top on a very special episode of The Tyra Banks Show.

That means America's Next Top Model is Eugena.

Eugena can't be America's Next Top Model because she's strong enough to share a secret! And imagine what their babies would look like! She saw his baby pictures and everything!

So America's Next Top Model is being given to a more vivacious black (?) girl, Kelle!

Tragically, the producers of ANTM failed to see "I was in denial of my snout, but now I know" as being a storyline worthy of a newly crowned America's Next Top Model.

They did, however see merit in "When I had a baby, I thought my life was over" so ANTM is now Renee!

Tyra was under the impression that Hawaii was not a part of America, so she had to DQ Renee.

And subsequently awarded the ANTM title to...Christina!

Christina was disqualified for burning holes with her possessed eyes into Tyra's gypsy pirate costume.

So America's next top model is:

Kari!

Kari was disqualified once the producers found out about her already established career in foreign porn magazines.

That means America's Next Top Model is... Lluvy!!

Lluvy already had a contract after winning America's Next Top Trout.

Robin had only won Miss Soybean, so they decided to reward the prize to her.

Robin was graciously asked to step down after her ass ate Nole Marin's dog.

So they had to name Samantha the winner.

CoverGirl decided toothless-ness was fierce. So fierce, ideed, that Samantha's title was given to...

Toothless Girl from the Cycle 9 Recap Show, Shelly!!!

Shelly was fierce, but not as fierce as dentally-inclined crazy C5 Lisa, whose message was so inspiring that we all had a cookie!

So America's Next Top Model is now Jennipher, who we didn't even know was a bitch!