If Samuel L. Jackson had played Buffy, she’d have been sick and tired of those motherfucking vampires in that motherfucking Hellmouth!

If Steven Spielberg had directed BtVS, The First would have died of a cold.

If the writing team of Party of Five had written BtVS, Dawn would have gotten her first period while Xander was babysitting her (after the telltale scene in which Xander remarks how long she's been in the bathroom), prompting a trip to the drugstore in which he awkwardly tries to help Dawn choose a brand of maxi pad.

If Stephen King had written BtVS, Buffy would have been male, Giles would have been an ex heroin addict, Xander would have gotten anally raped once a season, and Willow, the shy witch coming into her power, would have made the prom much more interesting. In the end, The First (who it turns out is a giant spider) is stopped not by Buffy or Spike, but by Andrew, who is now a mentally retarded teenager with a sudden unexplained (and inexplicable) mystical power over vampires and giant spiders.

Everyone got the idea?

If Aaron Sorkin wrote Buffy the Scoobies would have talked and walked so fast through graveyards, that they would have missed most of the vampires.

If David Chase wrote Buffy, this whole feminism thing would be non-existant. Xander, Giles, Angel, Riley, and Oz would be the boss. Buffy, Anya, Willow, and Cordelia would have stayed cooking the kitchen and overcharging their credit cards. And NB's later weight gain and greasy hair would have fit in perfectly.

If Michael Patrick King/Darren Star wrote Buffy, there would be much more Cordelia and Harmony. In fact the whole show would be about the Cordettes. Willow and Tara wouldn't be allowed on the show because their ridiculous clothes weren't the right kind of ridiculous.

If Tom Stoppard wrote Buffy, Andrew and Jonathan would have had plenty of centric episodes and big storylines, but they would have actually been *good* instead of the poserish imititations of Stoppard we got.

If Dick Wolf wrote Buffy, there would be much more spinoffs. Right now there would be discussions of Lola, the Hula Dancer Slayer. She slays her hula competition in Hawaii!

Hee!

If Tom Fontana wrote Buffy, Angel would have sucked (off) Xander and Giles from the moment they met. In prison.

If John Woo directed Buffy, vampire doves would fly across the screen in slow motion before Buffy stakes them.

If Tom Fontana gets anywhere near the rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I want to be informed ASAP.

If Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright wrote and directed BtVS, each episode would contain nothing more than a series of self-congratulatory references to the last episode.

If Tim Burton had created BtVS, then Johnny Depp would have played Spike or Angel and there would be many, many more 'shippers in the world!

If Angelina Jolie had played Tara then there would have been ZERO angry letters to ME when Willow turned gay.

If Ronald D. Moore had created/written BtSV Angel and Spike would be hot chick vampire robots. And we would later find out that most of the Scoobies were secretly vampire robots all along.

If David Lynch had directed Buffy, every episode would have been Restless.

If Michael Moore had directed Buffy, the First Evil would have been the Republican Party.

If Mel Gibson had directed BtVS, Buffy wouldn't have recovered from her stab wound in Chosen. In fact, it would have been merely preamble to the 80 minute torture scene that followed after Willow had betrayed the Scoobs.

Terrific thread idea, ennui!



Hee---so true.



Genius!

If the producers of Dallas had been involved with BtVS, we'd have had an S8 beginning with a 'shower scene' in which Buffy and the viewers realize that the entire past two seasons were only a dream (er, nightmare).

If Shonda Rhimes (Grey's Anatomy) had written for BtVS, Buffy (like Meredith Grey) would have suffered through at least two Near Death Experiences and been subjected to nothing but abject misery and angst throughout most of the series. Oh, wait...are we sure Shonda DIDN'T write for BtVS?!

If Al Gough and Miles Millar (Smallville) wrote Buffy, the Scoobies would never actually know Buffy was the slayer, yet they would tangentially assist her in stopping a monster every week.

But we would get Spike saying "Mother-fucking idiot" instead of "bloody idiot." And Harmony would be a stripper. Cordelia would be the same.

If Quentin Tarrentino directed an ep. , Buffy would kick Snyder´s ass and light it on fire after she gave a speech about what a loser he must have been in H.S., and Quentin would guest star as a guy from the wet-works team (and be very annoying) and Xander would have a long monolouge about why the Silver Surfer was a much more complex hero then the Batman.

Semi-theft!

If Johnny Depp has been cast as Riley, we would never have been subjected to the horror of Spuffy.

If Aaron Spelling (Dynasty?) had produced Buffy, then Tori Spelling would have played Cordelia, and Cordelia would be the hero to Buffy's weaker slayer character. Oh, and Amy would have been played by a different actress each time she came back to the series.

Hee! And if Nathan Fillion had been successful in his audition to become Angel, then the series would have been shuffled from night to night and would never have made it past episode 6.

Along the same lines...

If Mercedes McNab and Amber Benson had switched roles, I'm sure we couldn't ever have had Spuffy. Plus - hee.

*grinding teeth* Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.Arrrrrrrrrrgh. *snarling uncontrollably*

If Dick Clark had played Angel, we might actually buy the idea that vampires don't age.

Thank you! :D

Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse as producers/head writers:

The Scoobies spend every episode lying around and/or hanging out at the Bronze, occasionally having run-ins with Big Bads like the Gorch brothers. In the first season finale's cliffhanger it's revealed that vampires exist, and in the second Buffy finds out she's some sort of Slayer. Oh, and everyone's father is a horrible bastard, so one thing's the same.

If Russ Meyer had directed Buffy (Faster, Chosen One! Kill! Kill!), the show would have been almost entirely about Willow and Tara's adventures as psychotic go-go dancers. Plus, every female cast member apart from Amber Benson and Charisma Carpenter would have been replaced.

No way would AB and CC make the cut with Meyer behind the wheel...

Lindeloff/Cuse - We begin the series with "Tabula Rasa," and over the course of the first three seasons we slowly learn through flashbacks that the characters have, in fact, met each other before, but in seemingly random and meaningless encounters outside of Sunnydale. Meanwhile, back in the present day, our heroes (or are they??) discover that there are mysterious monsters in Sunnydale, the likes of which have never been seen anywhere else. Indeed, there might even be a villain or two in their midst. Also, one of our characters has spent time in a mental institution, one is a whiny and generally useless sister, and one is a blond bad boy with a heart of gold. But it would be a completely different show, because a few of the characters wouldn't be white.

If Ted McGinley had played Giles, then Spuffy, Magicrack, The Potentials, and Dawn would have all started in Episode Two.

If John Hughes had directed BtVS, Buffy would have been a materially spoiled but emotionally neglected rich girl; Willow would have been the school nutcase, sleeping with her therapist; Xander would have been an uptight jock, worried about losing his wrestling scholarship; and Angel would have been the eternal screw-up skipping classes and stowing his weed in close proximity to Xander's johnson.

Oh and of course dear Giles would be the wiseass librarian who went around spouting things like "Don't mess with the chaos demon, young man. You'll get the slimy antlers." Complete with accompanying hand gestures.

But everything will be okay in the end, because Buffy will show Willow how to apply eye makeup and style her hair attractively, just in time for Xander to notice how beautiful she really is.

And all will be right, even if only for a moment, on the Hellmouth.

If Ed Burns and David Simon had written Buffy, we would have seen that the vast majority of both Scoobies and Vampires are in effect trapped by their situations. That the true villains are the institutions both groups find themselves within. That good is generally done by people who's main motive is to prove that they can do it.

Buffy would have a large scar down her face, a shotgun, and be gay.

It would still have been the best show on TV, but in a very different way.

If Daniel Knauf (the creator of Carnivale) had written Buffy, the show would have been filled with bizarre religious imagery, an intricate plot about Buffy searching for her polar opposite, and lesbian cooch dancers. The show would also have been cancelled after two seasons because nothing ever happened or made sense.

If Robert Rodriguez had directed Buffy, there would have been lots more gunplay and gore, and Danny Trejo would mysteriously have made an appaeance in every episode.

If Rob Thomas (Veronica Mars) had written BtVS, the first season would end with Buffy realising her father is, in fact, the Master, the second with Willow realising Xander is her half-brother, the third with Oz turning out to be a newly gay Harmony, and Giles, my man? Sugar. Daddy.

Because we all spit upon the ida of a fourth season.

Hee!

If David Lynch had directed BtVS, .sdrawkcab tub ,emas eht neeb evah dluow gnihtyreve nehT.

If George Lucas had written Buffy, Willow and Xander would have been quirky droids, Angel a wisecracking smuggler and Giles a 900 year-old muppet. And Buffy would have been most upset to find out that the Master was her dad.

If Stan Lee had written BtVS, Buffy would have been known as 'Slayer-Girl' and fought vampires wearing two-toned long-johns.

Bringing out the inner Mirabel/Gladys shipper... If Enid Blyton (the St Clare's series as well as the Famous Five and Secret Seven) had written BtVS, it'd still be a teenages-solving-mysteries gig, but all the characters would be lesbians.

You know. On the inside.

If Robert Hewitt Wolfe had written Buffy, Joss Whedon would have played Giles. Wolfe would have been fired during the second season for giving the people what they wanted, rather than what Joss wanted. Giles would have gone on to become a better Slayer than Buffy, a better hacker than Willow, and eventually worn the Amulet of Assitude all by himself. It wouldn't actually collapse Sunnydale, though. it would just blind everybody who was watching. Which, by that point, would be no one.

If J. Michael Straczynski had written Buffy:

There would only be five seasons. SMG would have quit after four, because the show would be in permanent hiatus.
Buffy would have moved to Cleveland after Season Four and been replaced with Kennedy.
Willow would have fallen in love with Andrew in Season Five. The good news is that Andrew would die soon. The bad news is that, first, he'd sing.

The climax of Season Four would go like this:
Weird Extrapolation Lady with "Scythe": Stop being evil.
Buffy: Get the HELL out of my... hellmouth!
First Evil (ignoring Buffy): OK. Nothing personal, I was just bored.

Also, Angel's hair would stand up even higher.

If Russell T. Davis had written Buffy, Angel would have slept with Darla,Drusilla and Spike, had a one night stand with Sid the puppet [ he got very drunk one night], snogged Quentin Travers of the Watchers Council, and made passes at all the Scoobies.

Now, that's funny. And also quite disturbing.

If Tolkien had written Buffy:

Xander would have gone on a magical quest, given to him at the behest of Giles. Giles, for some reason, would have a long beard and need to walk w/ the aid of a staff. Xander would have been allowed to tell his quest to one, and only one person. He would have chosen Larry, a true stalwart in a crisis, not to mention Xander's platonic friend. Of course the subtext is that Xarry exists as they do spend quite a long time "camping together." Angel would have been an all-seeing evil presence, while Spike had the job of being Angel's Mouth. There would be no Buffy, Willow or Cordelia. Instead, only minor female characters, such as Marcie, Katrina, one of the Nancy(ies), and the friend Willow sees Tara kissing in Normal Again. Actually, if Tolkien wrote Buffy, there wouldn't be a show.

Except of course that Faith would be there. She'd be swept up by the romance of the quest, disguise herself as a man and ride off to perform valiant deeds. However, she'd then realise that war is a Bad Thing (quite unsuitable for delicate girls), decide to become a housewife and eventually be redeemed by the love of a good man with a problematic relationship with his dad (Wesley).

Bwah!

I think I love you MiniShrink. Me, I always thought that Gwendoline and Alicia should get together, but wikipedia tells me it's Bill and Clarissa who got the subtext. But that's Malory Towers, which I suppose is different to St Clare's...

If K.A. Applegate wrote Buffy, all the Scoobies would have equal powers, though Xander would be dead set against using them, and be the one who just wanted to live a normal life through the whole series. It would be discovered that Hank wasn't actually living the cilche, but captured and enslaved by the First. In the series finale, the final battle would end in the teaser, with the rest of the episode spent on the Scoobies desperately trying to put their lives back together, until a cliffhanger ending when a new bad guy comes out of the blue. Yes, I am still bitter about The Beginning.

If Brenda Hampton (7th Heaven) had created Buffy, Giles would be replaced by Buffy's dad (sans any daddy-issues), Willow, Xander and Buffy all would have gotten happily married and been pregnant with twins. Vampires would be in the title of the show, but rarely seen or mentioned. Much time, however, would be spent in the graveyard. The show would have lasted 17 years.

Furthermore, if Hampton had been the creator, the ultimate (and only) lesson to be learned from Buffy and Xander's respective loss of their virginity to Angel and Faith would be that premarital sex isn't just wrong under all circumstances, but it makes the baby Jesus cry. Instead of Giles and his famous "you have my respect and support" speech to Buffy, we'd get Hank explaining that he's deeply disappointed in Buffy for breaking what Hank thought he'd taught her was the most important commandment ever, "Thou shalt not have sexual congress before thou art married." Instead of Willow crying in the bathroom stall, we'd get her explaining to Xander in her "my heart is broken" monotone her deep disappointment in him for having sex with the first female who suggested it, and an explicit admission that she had expected that eventually she and Xander would have gotten married and lost their virginity to each other, but now that that dream has been broken by Xander's short-sightedness, she will never marry him. Xander will react with, "Marriage?! I'm not thinking about marriage while I'm still in high school." He'll be overheard by Hank, who will forbid Xander from continuing to be friends with Buffy, because two non-virgins in the same room will be tempted to be put into practice their lack of virginity, until Buffy publicly signs aone of those abstinence-only pledges and Xander "gets right" with God, is saved, and also signs a pledge of abstinence until marriage. On the other hand, we'll be spared Parker, Riley, Anya and Spuffy....

Also, Willow will be played by Beverly Mitchell and never get involved in witchcraft; Dawn will be on the show from the beginning and played by the girl who played Ruthie; and Faith will be played by Jessica Biel.

Skipcomet, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Erratic and Zeechay - you like me, you really like me! -beams- Actually, I once read a St Clare's fanfiction. -pauses for the collective shudders- So, Angela's got this first year doing her bidding, and the rating's M, and, and then the first year's on her knees, and . . .

This? Is disturbing.

I know, I know. I was just curious to see who else picked up on the girls-boarding-school-hmm vibe. So yeah, she's on her knees, right, yeah, and Angela's ordering her about, right, and then, right, then . . . Then Wikipedia claimed the feather-headed Alison was "under Angela's spell". I'm sure you were, darling.

So Chuck Palahniuk writes Buffy. Willow discovers that Tara is a[n extremely hot] figment of her post-Oz masturbation, Dawn rouses the disenchanted vampires into an army - Project You Too Can Have Shiny Hair, and Glory, who is feeling a little discombobulated, takes herself to LA, discovering Angel has grown 'bitch-tits'.

Hee! And also, hee! Now I have images of Alison going floaty and singing "you make me com-plete" to Angela. Mind you, wikipedia also seems to think you could read any given one of their "friendships" in a different, more gay way. So...

WHERE? -has just scoured Wikipedia for subtext references that 'prep' was anything beyond chewing a pencil- WHERE DOES WIKI SAY THIS STUFF?!

If JD Salinger wrote BtVS, we'd have an entire season devoted to Xander's post-S3 pre-S4 road trip that 'no power on Earth' would make him tell. He'd say 'sonuva' a hell lot more. And what exactly did he do when one of the male strippers called in sick?

Then I have done my job, and done it well. :)

And all the acting would be wooden. Though is JM was in it, he would be pretty much over the top. But even though Buffy is the Chosen one, her brother (who she doesn´t know is her brother), Angel, is the one who the first trilogy is all about. And the first 2 ep. they were in, they had smoochies. And instead of Chewie we get a Chaos Demon as the side-kick.

you know, Ted Mcguinis did´nt sink "Married with Children".

If Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (Smallville) produced Buffy, it really would be about Dracula. But the main star would be Buffy, who would be a brunette, and her parents were smushed flat like pancakes, and every ep. the audiance will be reminded about her dead pancake parents. Like one ep. will be about her dog that died, and it was the dog that her aunt Joyce bought for her right after her parents died, and it reminds her of dead, pancaked parents (in fact, it´s name is "Pancake"). Another ep. Buffy´s boyfriend, Angel, goes to join the Marines to fight for his country, which gets him killed on some movie backlot that looks like the backyard of Buffy´s home. Anyway, Buffy remembers it´s like how her parents died (they were killed when she was 3, and it had to be a closed casket funeral, because they were flattened like pancakes...you didnt know that?) and Dracula tries to comfort her, until Faith, the body-shifting freak, poses as Angel. So Buffy is happy, Dracula is kicked to the curb, and we kind of get hot-girl-on-girl action, except of course it´s Angel´s body we are seeing macking on Buffy. Anyway, every 6 months we get Dracula finding out more about his powers, which usually leds to some sexual context. Like the time he turned into fog, it was because he saw Buffy adjusting her swimsuit.

Since the show needed a minority, we will get Gay!Willow!, who is gay in the first ep. Also, Willow will pimp merchandize every ep.

I skimmed through that post and got Gay. Willow. Pimp. Which, actually . . .

If Tim Kring (Heroes) wrote Buffy, Buffy and Dawn would have chemistry that was entirely inappropriate for siblings. All the Buffy/Angel 'shippers would be deeply opposed to the Summerscest, only to discover a few episodes later that Angel is actually Buffy's uncle. Much AU fic is written from then on. Pre-chip Spike would go on a roadtrip with Willow who, despite her supposed intelligence, has frequent and prolonged bouts of the stupid and doesn't realise that the path of destruction they left in their wake was actually caused by Spike. Xander would say 'Yatta!' a lot and go on a pointless hunt for a sword with his best friend Andrew, who would actually be a likeable character. Faith would have a split personality; mostly she'd be lame and pathetic, but she'd have occasional moments of awesomeness that she would eventually conquer, thus becoming an utterly redundant character who is from then on pretty much ignored. Tara would appear for a couple of episodes before getting de-gayed and kicked off the show.

And Giles would be essentially be the same, except his glasses would be horn-rimmed.

Or, you know, Oz.

If Ed Wood had written and directed Season 7, Spike would have won a pink agora sweater instead of a duster, Giles would have worn fishnet stockings under his pants, Buffy would have given crazy speeches about the “big green dragon that sits on your doorstep” and told everyone to “Pull the string!” instead of berating people for not being sufficiently obsequious to her, the First would have explained that it wanted to kill the Scoobies because of their "Stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!", none of the potentials would have had speaking parts because of the low budget, there would have been only enough money for five ubervamps and one deus ex machina in the finale, the entire season would have been shot in two weeks, and the story would have had fewer plot holes because even Ed Wood can‘t compete with Season 7.