The sad thing is, it took me 10 minutes to figure out what to call this thread.

Post your favorite one liners here.

So many to chooe from, but I'll start with my two favorites from good old Jack Donaghy:

"It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?" (Probably my favorite line)

"Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap." (Awesome, because it was so out of left field)

This is hard! This show is nothing if not quotable.

Just a few I love:

Devin: "Celebrity snuff. Reality content made exclusively for your mobile phone: Oh what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Thanks, PHONE."

Maybe it's my residual Arrested Development love, but the way he said "phone" just gets to me every time.

Tracy: "But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving."

Dennis' entire speech to Liz in "The Break-Up", which was simultaneously sweet and offensive:
Dear Liz Lemon:

While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we would be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation" which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with it. So tonight when you arrive home, I will be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you."

Yeah. I know. He was a jerk, but I love Dennis and Dean Winters was awse.

From "The Source Awards":
Kenneth: "Well, I got your nose."
Ridikolus: "Jay, go get my nose back."

I loved everything about LL Cool J in that episode.

Jack: "That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can."

Classic.

Tracy: "The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street; they're members, too and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb."

Pretty much anything that comes out of Dr. Spaceman's mouth because I absolutely LOVE Chris Parnell's delivery, but I do have love for this one: "Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s."

I haven't even touched the surface of great 30 Rock quotes.

The Dennis arc was my favorite, and I think Dean Winters was robbed by The Emmy's, so I'll quote him:

"She said she was 16, but I *knew* she was 22!" and it's twin, "The thing about 20 year olds? Most of them are 16."

"My vagina is a convenience store: clean, reliable and always closed on Christmas"

These are from The Source Awards:

Kenneth: "Mr. Jordan himself said, “Don’t let no one in who’s not on the list because this mess is gonna get raw, like sushi. So haters to the left”."

Kenneth: [to Tracy] "Didn’t you tell me to live every week like it’s Shark Week? And that nothing’s impossible except dinosaurs?"

Tracy: "Ken, I’ll be gone soon but I just wanted you to know that I loved being your mentor, and it’s been an honor having you be my manatee."

Jack: "He’s harmless, don’t be ridiculous!"
Ridikulous: "I am Ridikulous."

Jack: [referring to his mother-in-law] "What the hell does she know? She’s a Murphy…bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists."

Ridikulous: "What’s your game, man?"
Kenneth: "Boggle."

Wow. I never realized how many great one-liners there are each episode. I'll post more later.

Oh, I have so many. Here's a minor one:

Liz: Wow! If this turns into a showdown you guys could settle it with a "talking like this" contest

Even though most of the hilarity comes from Tina Fey's voice, I still crack up just reading it.

Another vote for the "I'll be your Bottom" quote, and then these:

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Now as you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter "Donaghy Estates tastes like Satan's urine after a hefty portion of asparagus."

Seriously, the second one made me choke the first time I heard it. And the tenth.

Let's not forget Jenna!

"You know I've always reminded myself of Grace Kelly...."

And her great exchange with Liz:

Jenna: And how is the sex?
Liz: Fast, and only on Saturdays. It's perfect!

He said it exactly the way he said "MAGAZINE" on AD during the Judge Reinhold episode. Sad that I know this.

My personal fave:

Dot Com: Why are we doing this?

Tracey: Becuase The Jets lost!

This is not my favorite quote, but it's the exchange that earned 30Rock a place in my tivo:


Emphasis mine.



I will never think of Isabella Rossellini as anyone but Bianca Donaghy from now on.

Ridikulous: What color plane do you want to buy?
Jack: Clear. Like Wonder Woman’s.

i know a roy, the best part of that Bianca quote is Isabella's great accent when delivering it. I could just hear it as I read it.

I love the rappers' names they used here. They're hilarious.

Tracy: Who else is going to be at that party?
Jack: Well, you’re going to be sharing the stage with Nas…
Tracy: Nope, he hates me! We used to date the same girl.
Jack: What about Young Jeezy?
Tracy: Forget about it. I called his pit bull “gay” on 106 and Park.
Liz: That would do it.
Jack: The Game?
Tracy: Nope.
Jack: T.I.?
Tracy: It not happenin’.
Jack: Superhead?
Tracy: No can do.
Jack: Fabolus?
Tracy: Won’t do.
Jack: Redonkey Kong?
Tracy: Nope.
Jack: MC Skat Kat?
Tracy: What?
Jack: Homonkulus?
Tracy: Uh-uh.
Jack: Raw Dog?
Tracy: Hell no! Me an his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called “Ray-Ray’s Mystery Garage.”

Liz: "Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, and they’re from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!"

That part I bolded should be the thread title for Liz.

Phoebe: I'm Jack's Yoko.
Liz: You want to be Yoko?

I'm also trying to remember the exact words Jenna used in "Cleveland" to describe her, Phoebe and Liz in connection to Sex and the City.

Gracelessly, something like: How Sex and the City are we right now? I’m Samantha, (to Phoebe) you’re Charlotte, and (to Liz) and you’re the lady at home who watches it.

eta: which is the same episode that spawned: There are no rules in love, Lemon. My Princeton roommate did it the right way and dated his college girlfriend for 13 years, and the marriage didn’t last eight months. And now he’s a post-op trans-gender. And it's the word 'post-op' that makes that as funny as it is.

Devon: You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon. (Pause.) I don't do that.

Devon: You warlock! You came to entice me!

Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Phil: Hey, look at you. You look like a fancy prostitute.

(I love how it's almost sweet when he says it.)

Dr. Spaceman: No, No. I was at a costume party earlier this evening, and the hostess's dog attacked me, so..... I had to stab it.

Dr Spaceman: I also think he may have scurvy because he keeps asking for lemon.

My favorite of Dr. Spaceman's many brilliant quotes is the great "Science is whatever we want it to be."

How about when he's staring at the X Ray and says, "Damn it where are my car keys?!"

That's a real keeper.

One more:

Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

Poor Dakota Fanning, first Kathy Griffin jokes about her, then 30 Rock.

Dr. Spaceman: What can you do? Medicine is not a science!

Cowboy Heyhey (nice name, by the way, but aren't you worried about the Black Crusaders?), as far as I know, the rappers names there up to Supahead are real, right? (Supahead isn't a rapper, but a famous groupie.) (And yes, also there's MC Scat Kat, cause I am old enough to remember when Paula Abdul had a career in music.)

Everything's just the worst.

Not one particular quote but anytime Jack begins a sentence to Liz with "I don't know what happened in your life..." or some variation thereof.

"Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor" and the other fist names.

"It's like a roller coaster ride of emotions in here."

"Good lord! The worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?"

And my fave Dr Spaceman line might just be: "I am very serious about doctor-patient confidentiality, so I am gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves."

So many good quotes in this show and my mind is going blank.



That letter, and the way he read it, deserve an award.

Some Tracy quotes:

"Blue man, where your feet at?" gets me every time.

and "I don't want my kids to have to go to college" was pretty good as well.

ETA:

How could I forget about the man whose lines inspired the title for this thread? Josh's agent had some great lines and I think the best was about skippin the foreplay and going right for the "penetraish".

Jack: "My mouth tastes like...purple."

Heh.

Dennis's letter (which fills me with awe and smiles-times every time I read it) is a superb example of something the show does consistently and well, and which goes against current comedy format: it'll let a sequence play out at full length and accumulate some weight, where most sitcoms (and I mean good ones) would cut away to a new scene once the point had been made.

This is risky, because if your comic setpiece doesn't work, it'll lie there for a full minute (or whatever). But 30 Rock makes it work, again and again, and has given us such glorious extended sequences as Dennis's letter, Jack's acting outtakes, and the Jefferson trailer. Brilliant.

Liz: Hey, maybe I'm Cinderella this time.
Jenna: No, Liz, Cinderella is blonde. You can be Snow White and party with the little people. Oh take me!

Jenna: "That guy was going to buy you a drink."

Liz: "Really? I already have a drink. You think he'll buy me some mozzarella sticks?"

I am cracking up reading this thread. So many good ones.

We could pretty much just post transcripts of every episode here, since every line of this show is awesome. Still, here are the favorites around my house:

- YA BURNT!
- I am a stabbing robot!
- Say no more, shark eyes (the way Elaine Stritch drags out the words "shark eyes" this kills me every time)
- She's very well-read...and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... White Geisha.
-Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

Oh that last one... and the "farmer" line... and "those shoes are definitely bi-curious"... and "I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid"... does Jack get all the best lines, or is it just that Alec Baldwin hits the bulls-eye with everything he's given?

"By the hammer of Thor!"

"Shut it down."

"Why are you crying? The Liberty lose again last night?"

One of my favorites from Blind Date:

Jack: Are you familiar with the Japanese art of reiki?
Liz: No.
Jack: It is the laying on of hands in order to improve one's life.
Liz: Hmm. How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?

Tracy to Kenneth: "The mento has become the manatee..."

Makes me weep with joy every time!

I love them continuing on the NBC Manatee tradition. I figured they would definitely be the ones to do it when Conan first brought it up on his show. (Heroes had some manatee mentions as well.)

And I thought reading the quotes submitted for the Tubeys was fun...

Speaking of which, here's one of my favorites that was submitted there:

Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

Since I already transcribed this, may as well post it...

Jenna has convinced Liz that Tracy can't read because he won't read the cue cards, while Tracy has just realized he has to work every Friday night now that he's a regular on the show:

Tracy in his dressing room, on phone, : I don't know what to tell you. They're making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs life. Scalp the damn tickets. [Liz enters]
Liz: These are the changes for the sketches that you're in.
Tracy: Cool, I'll read those later, Lemon.
[Liz picks crossword puzzle off Tracy's table. All the blocks are filled in with smiley faces.]
Liz: Tre, can you read?
T: Can I read?
L: Please don't get angry it's not your fault. It's the system. Did you ever see Hoop Dreams? It's like that.
T: So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?
L: You don't even have to answer me if you don't want to. Just know that if you need a tutor, we will get you a tutor. If you need to be in fewer sketches until you get more confident, we'll accommodate you. Whatever you need.
T: So I could, like, leave work early if I need a tutor?
L: Absolutely. We'll work around your schedule.
T, stands: I can't read, Liz Lemon! [picks up bag, walks out of office, VSE piano begins to play] My shameful secret is out! Now you know why I'm always running into the Ladies' bathroom.
[Walks down hall] I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!!
[Walks into another hallway toward elevator] I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me, Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, all thanks to one very, very special white lady!! [gets on elevator] I'll be in late tomorrow. [doors close]
[Another rider comes along, doors reopen on Tracy, leaning against elevator wall reading The New York Times as Liz looks on] Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservative.

"Every great getaway has a moment when you want to pack it up and stay. That's how I ended up with a timeshare in Port Arthur, Texas."

This line is a hundred times funnier to me, knowing that Port Arthur is a TERRIBLE place for a vacation. And Jack bought a timeshare there.

That line is so freaking hilarious for me because I live about 15 minutes from Port Arthur. Now, when I drive through, I try to imagine just where that timeshare might be.

"I love this [whatever] so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant!"

I use this line all the time.

"Thank you all, for COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY!"

"What would I do, Tracy, what would I dooOOOOOoooo?"

I do not recall that line.

It's from The Source Awards, Tracy is saying it to Tracy (in the mirror). Oh, dressed as Oprah, of course.

I pretty much love every quote posted so far, but my absolute favorite is from "Hardball" when Liz is making Josh say 5 reasons she's better than him.

"Yeah, suck it - I do read the paper!"

Something about the way Tina says that just cracks me up every time.

Liz: Look, I need you to understand something... I don't wanna go out with you and it has nothing to do with your race.
Steven: [laughs] Ok.
Liz: Steven, listen to me, and, please, believe what I'm saying: I truly don't like you... as a person. Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we just not get along?
Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that! And, and maybe someday our children or,or our children's children will hate each other like that. But it just doesn't work that way.

I don't have the quote but one of my favorites was when Jack was trying to remember everyone's name and going through the pictures and up comes "Dilbert". Totally unexpected and I just about choked.

Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer' and although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct

Bianca: Johnny, promise me you won't sell the Arby's.
Jack: I won't. I'm going to board it up, open all of the windows and let nature have at it.

The whole Arbys thing killed me. I can't stop laughing when I see one now.

Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: I am the exterminator!!!!!!!
Jack: Okay not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

Jack: The crab is getting aroused. Shut it down, shut it down.