Is Jonathan Archer the most hated captain in the history of Star Trek? I definitely think he is.
I believe that many would agree, with me, that he should have been the one to die in These Are The Voyages.

The primary purpose of this thread is to imagine all the wonderful ways that Archer could meet his end. The secondary purpose is to allow us all to have a good hearty laugh at his expense.
For those who haven't been following in the Star Trek Romance Game; Peachy Keen has been writing some wonderfully dark and delicious death scenes for Archer. I hope that she'll re-post most of them here and that everyone else will join in and create even more fantastically gruesome and hilarious ways to kill off Archer.

There are no rules or limitations on how you kill Archer. Simply, be creative, take a stab at Archer, and have a bloody good time.

To get us started is a re-post from part one of a two part death scene that I wrote for Archer and Keyla. The overall theme is the awful movie Critters.

There was another star system 0.8 light years from the Risan system. It had three Minshara class worlds and the Risans had colonized two of worlds. The third world remained uncolonized, because a native animal species resided there. The Risans had named these creatures Tribbles and had learned, all too painfully, that these animals needed to be left alone. The majority of the time Tribbles were cute and cuddly, but they multiplied easily and the Risans knew several other reasons to avoid them.

The world was a natural paradise, by human standards, and Jonathan Archer was determined to enjoy this world's beauty. They leader of Risa had tried to warn him about staying away from the planet during the Days of Three Moons, but Archer had been to busy staring at her ample breasts to hear the warning. Since, the Risans had never named this world; Archer had decided to name it after himself, but Keyla had informed him that the Klingons had already named it The Place of Horrors in their language. This annoyed Archer greatly, because he needed people to remember his greatness.

Archer ordered the Enterprise to the planet and decided that he would spend the day exploring the world. This violated normal procedures, but he was stressed out and demanded some fun. Trip Tucker had wanted the entire crew to enjoy shore leave, but Archer had denied his request. He and Keyla would spend the day exploring the planet and he hoped each other.

Keyla found Archer to be completely insufferable, but she had a mission to complete. She didn't want to be alone with him, but he insisted on taking a shuttle pod to the planet's surface. There were Tribbles everywhere, but they avoided Archer and Keyla and appeared to be completely harmless. Archer had one goal when he brought Keyla to this planet. He wanted to show her how good he was when it came time for afternoon delights. Unfortunately, for Keyla, he was awful when it came to sexual pleasure and he failed to bring her any enjoyment.

They set up camp near a large lake where Archer thought it would be fun to take a nice swim. The lake was filled with frolicking Tribbles and they were starting to really disturb Keyla. When she refused to take a swim, Archer threw all of her clothes into the lake and told her to “Swim for them”. Keyla wanted to kill him and under normal circumstances she would have, but she still needed valuable information from this man. She convinced Archer that there were other activities they could pursue instead of swimming.

Much later that day, after several carnal encounters, Archer basked in his greatness. He was fully spent and he promptly fell asleep. This was fortunate for Keyla, as she had dealt with his vile presence long enough. If all Human men were as horrible as Archer when it came to virtually everything, she would gladly help the Suliban defeat them. The sun set gently in the eastern sky, as three full moons rose into the night sky. The Tribbles had completely disappeared. Keyla noticed their absence, but she didn’t allow it to trouble her. She was growing cold and her clothes were probably at the bottom of the lake. She decided to make the trip back to the shuttle pod and retrieve something to cover her nakedness.

Part Two... Soon.

I'm sorry that this caused a double post.

...Deux...

As Keyla traveled through the dark forest, on her way back to the shuttle pod, she felt dozen of eyes watching her. She finally had all of the information she needed from Archer, but she cursed herself for not stealing his Phase Pistol. As she approached the shuttle pod a series of horrible animal screams broke through the night air. Suddenly, hundreds of Tribbles appeared in the meadow where the shuttle pod had landed, but they were much different than they had been before. They were fierce with hunger and they had razor sharp teeth, golden yellow eyes, and sharp claws. The larger Tribbles were attacking the smaller Tribbles and feasting on them. This horrible sight was some form of population control for their species.

Keyla opened the shuttle pod hatch and Porthos and Rhylo rushed out to the nearest tree. Apparently, Archer had locked them in the shuttle pod, earlier in the day. They had been without access to food, water, or a place to relieve themselves for over eight hours. Now, Keyla understood how much of an asshole Archer was and she was going to let him know it. Porthos and Rhylo quickly returned once they noticed that the ravenous Tribbles were massing in number. Unfortunately, the Tribbles had noticed Keyla, Porthos, and Rhylo standing near the shuttle pod. The Tribbles made a loud screeching noise and made a rolling rush towards the shuttle pod. It was pure luck that Keyla was able to seal the shuttle hatch before the Tribbles reached them. The Tribbles tore into the hull of the shuttle pod and destroyed the communications relay. There was no way for Keyla to call for help and she didn't know how to fly the shuttle pod to safety. She found a Phase Pistol and prepared to defend herself, Porthos, and Rhylo from this onslaught.

Archer awoke with a start. He was covered in his own blood and he was in absolute agony. Dozens of hungry Tribbles swarmed around him. Their razor sharp teeth tore into his body as they feasted on his flesh and internal organs. He tried to call for help, but his vocal cords had already been severed. He tried to run, but the blood gushing out of his horrible wounds only brought more and more frenzied Tribbles. He reached for his Phase Pistol but both of his arms had already been severed at the shoulders. As more and more Tribbles feasted on their new meal, Archer knew that his death was imminent. He was shocked that he would go out in such an undignified way. As he faded away his last thought was, “I should have yelled at my crew louder and more frequently”.

When dawn came, Malcolm Reed and his security team found the damaged shuttle pod. The hull had been breached in three locations, but they were surprised to discover that Keyla, Porthos, and Rhylo had survived the night. The Tribbles had returned to their docile state, but their cannibalism and Keyla’s Phase Pistol skills had severely reduced their numbers. Reed, being the true gentleman, escorted Keyla, Porthos, and Rhylo back to Enterprise. He ordered the security teams to find the location of Captain Archer. The security teams quickly found what little was left of their captain. The feasting Tribbles had left a destroyed skeleton completely stripped of flesh, muscle, blood, and all bone marrow. Strangely, they left two regurgitated testicles behind. Dr. Phlox dissected several gorged Tribbles and found enough evidence to determine that they had completely consumed Archer. Though, they had apparently found Archer’s "brains" to be foul tasting and had left them behind. The whole crew laughed Dr. Phlox’s humorous analogy and even T'Pol allowed herself a momentary smile.

Keyla was very grateful that Reed escorted her and the dogs back to Enterprise without mentioning Archer’s horrible behavior. She was determined to thank him properly for that kindness and decency. She met him in his quarters, later that day, and one thing led to another. Hours later, he had shown her what a real man was capable of, three times in a row. No man had ever pleasured her so thoroughly, or completely. She decided at that moment, not all Humans were worthless, like Archer, and that most were worth saving. She would later feed false information to the Suliban that lead to changes in their leadership.

A few days later, Admiral Forrest promoted Trip Tucker to Captain and the whole crew agreed that things had never been better. He was very skilled in diplomatic negotiations and he brought about peace and harmony with the Suliban, the Xindi, and the Klingons. He had the temporal terrorist Daniels executed for crimes against Starfleet. He, also, brought about total peace with the Romulan Star Empire, because he was so awesome.

The Klingons destroyed the Tribble homeworld later that century. The Risans did not complain and the Federation was never sure why.

I hope that everyone enjoyed that. Now it's up to each of you. Bring on the carnage.

BWAH! Although crediting Archer with Two brains is being awfully generous, no matter how small they are.


Because my Malcolm is Reed Hot. Er, Red Hot. You know what I mean. :)


My favorite line. Stupid Daniels.



I looked high and low for my favorite "accidental" Archer death scene, but I think it got eaten in the Great Tubey Stroke of 2007. Let's see if I can remember how it goes:

Written as a death scene for Reed/Hayes pairing:

First they swam the river, each doing his best to outdo the other. They arrived at the same time. Then they climbed the tall rock face before them, each trying to outdo the other. They reached the peak at the same time. As they rested, panting and sipping refreshing water, their eyes met. They both had thought of another challenge that would indicated which of them was the biggest man on board Enterprise. A few moments later, both Reed and Hayes stood at the edge of the tall cliff, peeing over the edge, trying to make their stream of urine outlast the other. Little did Hayes know that Reed's Super Revlon Lip Refreshers kept more than Malcolm's lips hydrated. As Reed's stream of urine continued to arc out over the valley below, Hayes's died down to a narrow trickle. He tried to keep going, but with the physical efforts he'd already exerted, his body was wrecked. He toppled over the edge, a dried up little husk, landing many, many feet below. His landing (had he been alive to notice) was cushioned by the body down below. Captain Archer was crushed under the weight of the pantsless man.

The following is an "homage" to Monty Python's brilliant scene...

[Enterprise shuttle bay. A shuttle with black trim is landing as the shuttle bay doors close. A Vulcan exits.]
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Bring out your dead! [The shuttle's cargo doors open with a harsh CLANG.]
Trip and Reed come into the bay, carrying Archer's limp body between them.
Trip: Here's one for ya.
Archer: [faintly] I'm not dead!
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Pardon?
Reed: Nothing. Here, take him.
Starts to lift Archer into the cart.
Archer: [louder] I'm not dead!
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Your corpse is indicating that he's not deceased.
Trip: Yeah, he is.
Archer: No, I'm not!
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Logic indicates that your corpse has yet to expire.
Reed: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Archer: I'm getting better!
Reed: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: It is against regulations to take someone who is not deceased. I cannot take him.
Archer: I don't want to go in the cart!
Trip: Don't be such a baby.
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Regulations require...
Archer: I feel fine!
Trip: Come on, just look the other way. If you'd spent any time with this guy...
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Vulcans do not "look the other way."
Reed: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Regulations do not permit idling. The schedule requires that I move on to the next customer, the [Vulcan looks down at his pad] Robinson vessel, at the earliest opportunity.
Trip: When'll you be back?
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: Thursday.
Archer: I think I'll go for a walk.
Reed: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Archer: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[THUMP. Reed whacks Archer over the head with the butt of his phase pistol. Archer slumps and Trip and Reed lift him into the back of the shuttle. The Vulcan moves to the door of the morgue shuttle.]
Trip: Thanks!
Vulcan with the morgue shuttle: [speaks over his shoulder] Appreciative remarks are unnecessary.
[Trip and Reed look at each other and grin in relief.]
Reed: Thank god that's over with. Let's get on with things, shall we?
Trip: The sooner we forget that ass, the better.
[Trip and Reed turn to leave the shuttle bay, still grinning.]

Ana, you have my undying love and appreciation! HEE!

Exerpt taken from Broken Bow:

Archer: What the hell is that?
Forrest: It's a Kling-ott.
Soval: It's a Kling-on.
Forrest: They want to take it back to its homeworld.
Archer: I wanna do it!
Soval: You know nothing about this species!
Archer: I WANNA! I WANNA! I WANNA! MY DADDY WAS IMPORTANT!
Forrest: The Vulcans have had contact with this species before.
Archer: You're a big Doody-head!
(Pause)
Forrest: You're out of line, Archer.
Archer: You're out of line Doody-Head!
Forrest: You're insubordinate.
Soval: And loud.
Forrest: And exhibiting conduct unbecoming of a starship captain.
Soval: And you smell funny.
Forrest: Security! Please escort Archer to a Maximum Security Wing.
Soval: So who's going to take the Klingon home?
Forrest: Well, this guy named Tucker was scheduled to be the first officer. We'll just promote him.
Soval: Would you mind an observer on this historic voyage?
Forrest: Happy to have one!

Everyone lived happily ever after.

Just imagining Soval saying that, in his Vulcan deadpan, is making me laugh with glee.

Also from Broken Bow:

Captain Archer trimphantly presented Klaang to the Klingon Chancellor. "I brought him back all by myself," Archer bragged shamelessly. "I didn't have any help from anybody else. I did it myself. He was near death but I nursed him back to health, because I knew you'd want him back in one piece." The Chancellor looked at Klaang, who hung his head with the shame of having survived both a shipwreck and the ministrations of the pink-skinned blowhard. Chancellor pulled out a disruptor pistol and shot Klaang to death, using the blood that fell to learn the vital secrets of his DNA. Archer's jaw fell. "Hey! I nursed him back to health! You're supposed to be grateful!" The Chancellor eyed Archer one final time, then fired the disruptor at the puny captain.

Later, at a fine meal in the Chancellors' chamber, the Chancellor turned to his dining companion. "Tastes more like chicken, than targ," he noted, and asked for another rack of Archer.

Peachy, my undying love and appreciation to you as well. Should we be call you Scheherazade and bind your stories together into a volume called 1001 Archer-cides?

Hee! I got through a stressful day at work just by contemplating all the ways I could make Archer die! This is better than chocolate!

Fight or Flight:

Jon Archer opened his mouth and Trip prayed that it was only to shove food inside. Alas, the captain kept harping on his latest obsession. "I can't believe you made me run away from that ship! I could have helped them! I could have saved them! They would have loved me!" T'Pol raised one eyebrow and refrained from pointing out that the aliens hanging upside down in the ship they found had been dead and there would have been no way to save them. It wouldn't have made any difference what she said anyway; Archer was determined to pin the blame on her entire species. Brown eyes met blue ones over the table and the other two diners consumed their dinner in silence as the captain railed on. "I could'a been a contender! I could'a been a hero! I should'a done something!" Jon drew in a deep breath in order to expound (again, some more) on his favorite topic "How The Vulcans Ruin Everything" when he suddenly began to choke. He'd sucked a large piece of partially chewed carrot into his esophagus and now he couldn't breathe. "Ack! Ack!" he kept making gestures to his throat and back, but the other two diners contined to eat in the sudden and blissful near-silence. Jon Archer fell face-first into his mashed potatoes and remained there until after the peach cobbler had been consumed.

"I guess we should go back and have another look at that alien ship," Trip suggested idly, leaning back and enjoying his post-dinner coffee. He had to peer over the back of Archer's overly large head to see his other dining companion."Then we'll have to hide the body."

"Agreed," T'Pol nodded, sipping her tea. "It's hard for a crew to lose their captain, but I'm certain in time that they will accept the fact and move on."

"Agreed."

PK, do you plan all doing every episode? :-) And working "peach cobbler" into as many as possible?

CARROTS! :)

Well yes, nelamm, I was considering doing all the episodes. Unless you think that might be too much vitriol spilled on a website name "without pity." Is it wrong that I'm already salivating over the ways to kill him in upcoming seasons? ;>

Strange New World:

Malcolm fought hard to keep the little shuttlecraft from being buffeted straight to the ground in the high winds. It was hard to think only of his job and not his new crewmates suffering in a cave down below, but he stiffened his upper lip and forced his focus to remain on controlling the little ship. Archer, on the other hand, had the side door open and was hanging his head out the window, trying to make a visual identification of his crew. "Yoohoo! Yoooohoooo! It's Captain Archer! I'm here to rescue you! Yoohoo!" The open door was making it very difficult to keep the shuttle craft upright. In fact, as they were cruising over the sharp decline that Novakovich had already discovered, an updraft caused the shuttle to lurch to one side. Archer's hand slipped on the hold he had inside the ship. He lost his balance and plummeted an undisclosed distance before landing at the bottom of the ravine with a loud SQUELCH! "Ooops," said Reed, as he hit the button to close the door and landed safely on the grassy knoll in front of the cave. "Couldn't be helped though," he nodded. "Crazy bastard, hanging out a window in a wind storm."

PK, I'm lovin' it! Ninety-five to go!

Unexpected:

"Post-natal responsibilities?" Trip repeated with his mouth full. He looked in horror at Dr. Phlox and then turned his head to his captain. Archer sat at the table with a silver fork sticking out of his eye. "Really, Trip? Was this necessary?" Trip scowled and shoveled another forkful of chicken tetrazinni into his mouth, speaking around the mouthful. "Hormones, buddy. Never reach for the last piece of chicken when there's a pregnant person around." Archer's head slowly slid forward until it was buried in pasta. Phlox looked pleased. He'd finally get around to studying Archer's brain in great detail. He made a mental note to clear fifteen minutes at the end of his schedule.

Then he ordered more peach cobbler.

Hee! Peachy, you are so awesome.

Terra Nova:

Archer stood in the little cave and felt frustrated. "But I'm right and you're wrong! The radiation is going to kill you unless you let me move you to the location of my choosing! Your whole way of life is stupid if you don't listen to me!" "Shale!" came the cries that followed. "The oversider speaks shale! Banish his light!" Reed and Phlox managed to crawl out the tiny dirty hole and reach the shuttlepod, but Archer wasn't so lucky. He wasn't so lucky as the Novans, that is. Decomposing Archer made excellent fertilizer to grow the grubs that fed their armadillo food supply. They ate well for the last year of their lives.

The dreaded double post. Archer made me do it.

The Andorian Incident:

When Archer first noticed the Andorian hiding in the monastery, he pushed through the ancient screen and nearly rendered the terrorist unconscious. But then his friends came in. The Vulcan Elder was most displeased. "You idiot!" The Vulcan Elder picked up a piece of debris and began bashing Archer about the head. "This is a place of peaceful meditation! They were just about to leave!" The Andorians reluctantly rescued Archer from his beating. They threw him in a room full of Vulcans. The monks would not share their blankets, in spite of the cold, and neither would T'Pol.

When Trip discovered the hidden passageway, Archer volunteered to be a distraction. Apparently Andorians had no taste, because not a single rendition of "Hey Big Spender" got a rise out of any of them. But it did earn him another beating. In spite of the fact that Archer saved the day by dropping a chess piece inside the Wall of Obvious Passage Portal, nobody thanked him. In fact, when Reed dropped in with his armaments and blew a big hole in the wall, Archer was knocked over. He was standing too close to the wall, because Surak's big mirror caught his hair in the light from that position. Nobody offered to help him up. In fact while the others were coughing with the dust, the Elder Vulcan picked up another piece of debris and resumed beating him about the head and shoulders.

And after he'd handed over all the Vulcan's most sacred secrets to their most long-time enemy, they didn't thank him for making peace. They just dropped him over the edge of the cliff that surrounded P'Jem. "It's a place of peaceful meditation, you treasonous bastard!" they called after him.

The Elder Monk did think that Falling Archer made a satisfactory SQUISH at the bottom of the ravine. So the day wasn't a total loss. The Elder Monk liked to think of that squish whenever he had trouble meditating in the future. It was very soothing.

Haw-Haw! Seriously though, I love the mental image you've created here. It will definitely help me relax.

Glad you liked it jake. Sometimes I think I only amuse myself. :)

I couldn't decide which one I liked better. So Archer dies twice.

Breaking the Ice #1: (takes place during the teaser)

Archer: There's a comet outside!
Reed: There are no previous sightings in the Vulcan database.
Hoshi: That means we discovered it!
Mayweather: (ass-kissing commences) We'll call it Archer's Comet!
Archer: (So proud and full of himself that his head actually swells up and explodes.)
Reed: Somebody call maintenance. And then get me a closer look at Reed's Comet.

Breaking the Ice #2: (takes place during the Archer Children's Hour)
Trip calls for a pause in the recording. "Sir, that's a poop question!" Archer looks at him. "It's a valid question, Trip." His tone is condescending. "But they'll think I'm the Poop Engineer!" Archer gives him a stern look, and with a sigh, Trip finishes his speech to the children in Ireland's grammar school.

Later, when everyone is asleep, he sneaks through the ship, planting a brown paper bag in front of a resident's door before sneaking away. A pair of shoes under his nose stops his escape. He looks up to find Reed staring at him. "What are you doing?" Reed wants to know. "It's a prank," Trip states uncertainly. "You're going about it the wrong way," Reed informs him. They work together, including a few items that Reed is carrying in his pockets. Together they ring the bell and then run and hide around the corner. Archer opens the door. He bends down to retrieve the brown paper bag. Just as his hand touches the corner, the minor explosive charge goes off, killing the captain and leaving his corpse covered in sticky dog poo.

"That was a work of art!" Trip sighs with appreciation. "I just wish the feces could have landed with greater symmetry," Reed sighs with disappointment. "I'll work on it for next time."

Number two (geddit?) was a work of art Peachy! Honestly, I love this thread so much. Has someone notified keckler of its existence?

Can I just say how much I love it when Trip and Malcolm kill Archer? It's just awesome.

Oh, most definitely not, Peachy. You are, as bel pointed out, an artist.

Crazy, poor and probably drunk? Yup, that's me! :)

Civilization:

The firefight was getting exciting. Archer loved the way Riaan clung to his big, strong arm and told him how big and strong he was. Okay, maybe that part she didn't say out loud, but he knew she meant it. She'd probably tell him after the fighting was done. She was saying something to him, so he knew he had to pretend to listen. "Shoot the lamp," she indicated. "It's full of oil." Archer did as instructed, firing a blast from his phase pistol into the receptacle above the bad guys. Sure enough, it exploded and knocked the bad guys on their asses. Archer was so full of his own victory that he fired off a round straight over his head and ignited the bowl of oil directly above them. He and Riaan were both deep-fried.

PK, hurrah! You're cracking me up.

(And these in-between posts let you do more, heh. We're all doing our bit.)

Oh my god, you guys? This does my heart (or spleen? they're sometimes interchangeable) so good. These are hysterical. I'm about to spend a really happy hour reading them all.

I miss recapping Enterprise.

Aw! Thanks, Boss! I feel pretty safe speaking for everyone here when I say: Although I mean no disrespect to your cohorts in TWOP Towers, We miss your Enterprise recaps too! Television is just not the same without them!

Psst! have you checked out our Survival Game Thread? There are some excellent deaths there as well that aren't written by me. Just scroll through and look for the italics.

Also, I'm giggling that the captain of the Fortunate Son is called Captain Keene. Hee! I've got ancestors in the Star Trek Universe!

Fortunate Son: (or as I like to think of it, Revenge is Bad, mmmkay?)

Archer, T'Pol, Phlox and Reed stood in the free-floating cargo module staring at the tiny hole that was allowing all their oxygen to seep away. The cargo vessel had gone to warp, and it was only through the quick thinking of Sub-Commander T'Pol that they were about to be rescued by Enterprise. Archer wanted to send his ship after the freighter. It took several long minutes for the Shuttlepod to dock with the freighter, and a few more to get the doors to open within the decompressing atmosphere. Mayweather sat at the controls, keeping the little ship steady. Trip hovered in the door, assisting the crew. Phlox entered first. Then T'Pol and Reed. Trip looked at ARcher apologetically. "Sorry, sir. The Sh'Pod's only rated for six passengers. Don't worry. We'll come back for you." "Come on!" Cried out Archer. "Surely you've got room for one more. Just one more thin man?" The six members already rescued looked around at one another. "Well....actually sir, if it was just you, there wouldn't be any problem," Trip explained sheepishly. "It's your ego, sir. We just aren't rated for that kind of weight." "Or the transport of volatile, dangerous gasses," Reed added. "We wouldn't want to put the entire crew in jeopardy," PHlox chimed in. "We will return for you as soon as we are able, Captain," T'Pol added in her implacable way. Archer watched them reseal the hatch and wondered how long he could hold his breath.

Hee! Peachy, you've inspired me:

Archer is visiting South Park. His blocky uniformed cut-out ambles on to the screen, where Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are waiting for the bus.
Archer: Hey kids, what's up?
Stan: Who are you?
Archer: I'm Jonathan Archer, the most important captain in the Star Trek Universe. I founded the Federation all by myself. Haven't you heard of me?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: Actually, what I heard is that you're a big douche bag and you regularly wear your ass on your head.
Kenny: [unintelligible, but most definitely insulting]
Archer: [fake chuckle] No, kids, you've got it wrong, I...
Crudely drawn satellite falls from the sky, crushing Archer. Blood oozes out from under the object.
Kyle: Oh my God! They killed Archer!
All the kids, plus hordes of people who pop up out of the bushes and from behind hills and trees: YAYYYYYYYYY!

In follow up to Ana's story, the people starting singing, "The ass is dead, the big old ass is dead." (Like the song The Witch is Dead.)

Oh, wait, that's us singing. Sorry, Ana.

BWAH! Ana, I have never loved Cartman or Kenny more! ;)

Cold Front:

Archer met his steward in the corridor as he was pondering the many ways he could impress upon the visiting religious nuts how awesome he was. "Excuse me, sir," Daniels began. "I need to talk to you." "It's going to have to wait!" Archer barked. He loved making people wait. "It's important, sir. It's about the Suliban. I believe they have a spy on board named Silik." Archer raised an eyebrow. He was under the impression that nobody knew about Silik and what had actually transpired on the Apple Core Hideout. "Let's talk in my Ready Room," he nodded importantly. Archer loved nodding importantly. Daniels hesitated. "It would be better to discuss this in my quarters, sir." Archer looked startled and started wondering if the steward's eyes had dipped to his waistline when he spoke of his bedroom.

They arrived in Daniels' quarters, and the steward pulled something out of his cupboard. "What's that?" Archer wondered. "It doesn't look like Starfleet issue." "It's not," Daniels admitted. He sighed lovingly as he removed the extra-super-hardy-guaranteed-not-to-let-you-down sexual device. "It's something special that I thought we could share together." Archer ignored the fawning (he loved it when people fawned) and stated, "I thought this was about the Suliban?" "It is about the Suliban, Jon," announced a new voice. Silik stepped forward, shedding his chameleon colors and becoming visible. "You can't offer yourself to Daniels; he doesn't love you like I do." "That's not true!" Daniels denied. "I love him most of all! Much better than you!" "I can become any lover he wants," Silik noted with a hot look at Archer. "I can take him to any paradise he wants, anytime!" Daniels countered. "Fellas," Archer grinned. "I think there's enough of me to go around. It's a pity I'm not into dudes though. I think that's totally gross because my mind has been sealed shut by my obsession with T'Pol's dinners."

Daniels and Silik studied their prey. "He's mine!" "No, he's mine!" They shouted and pounced upon Jon. This was getting too intense, so Archer ran away from the icky feelings that were rising up inside him. He ran to the Cargo Bay and hid behind a crate. Both men followed him in. "I love him!" "I love him more!" Their rants and protestations of love continued in the large room. "I'll get rid of you for good and then I'll have him all to myself!" Silik shouted. He opened the Cargo Bay Doors.

All three got sucked out into the void of space. Daniels and Archer died because they were mostly human, but Silik got to drift through eternity clutching his captain to his orange chest. "Mine. My precioussss."

You know, every time I tried to write Archer and Daniels, it always comes up porn. *shrugs* I'm sure it's just me! ;)

No, you're right, french, 'cause I was thinking that it was us that were popping up from behind trees. :)

Silent Enemy:

"Oh no! The aliens have returned!" Mayweather pointed to the screen. Sure enough the dangerous aliens had returned. Reed fumed. That last blast had drained the new phase cannons and he couldn't fire again right away. Lucky for him (and for them) they came with a different mission this time.

The viewscreen lit up, showing once more the disjointed picture of Archer the aliens had used before from the cameras posted in the Cargo Bay. The jerky speech started again. "We...come... in peace. We... are sorry. Let us..Honor...your captain. We come...to dinner." The crew on the bridge looked around at each other in bewilderment (except for Reed who was calculating how many phase pistols he could carry under his dinner jacket.) T'Pol agreed and they set out.

The strangely large eyed aliens hovered around a table in the Mess Hall while the Bridge Crew watched them warily. The first alien turned to Hoshi. Their translator was working better now. "You do all the work. Your captain takes all the credit." She nodded; it was true. She'd worked hard to find Reed's favorite food and Archer took the credit.

The alien turned to Trip. "He did not recognize your upgrades. He teased you about Natalie from Pensacola." It was true; Archer had been kind of a dick all day.

The alien looked down at Porthos. "He commanded you to follow him around the ship instead of taking you for walkies in the garden." Porthos nodded. His owner was an ass.

Mayweather was next. "Go forward. Turn around and go to Earth. Go forward. Go to Earth. He doesn't respect your abilities to fly so smoothly." Mayweather acknowledgment was audible.

The Vulcan came next. "He laughs at your attempts to blend into his culture when you use chopsticks but does not learn your ways. He remains suspicious that you keep classified Vulcan records when you do your best to work beside him." T'Pol did not acknowledge, but they all knew it was true.

"That is why we bring a treasure. We bring to you who work so hard a gift, in the tradition of your people. We bring cake." The second alien who had remained silent, pulled the silver domed lid off the large platter sitting on the table in front of them. Archer's head had been removed from his body and decorated with cake trimmings. The open cavities were even stuffed with pineapple chunks. A candle hung out of his nose.

Reed was the first to stick a finger into the frosting. (It was his birthday after all). "Mmmm. Tastes like mint frosting," he grinned. "How did you know?"

The aliens waved away the human and Vulcan thanks, and they all dipped in for dessert.

Gruesome, Peachy. But the asshat got his just desserts [wink] didn't he?

Desserts! Heh! BoyKeen likes horror films. We've been watching Creepshow. I blame that for gruesome.

Dear Doctor:

Archer: Do what I tell you! I'm the captain and I don't care about your feelings or values or morals!
Phlox: It would be completely unethical according to my people.
Archer: If you don't do what I want, I'll have you thrown in the brig!
Phlox: (slow smile) I'll throw you somewhere worse than the brig.

*a few hours later*

Archer: (wakes up in a small silver cylinder). What the hell? I'm not dead yet! Get me out of this coffin!

*Out in Sickbay*
Cutler: Did you hear that?
Phlox: (another slow smile) I didn't hear a thing coming from the morgue. Let's get back down to the planet and perform some more tests. The air should be gone by the time we get back.
Cutler: What?
Phlox: Nevermind.

SLEEPING DOGS:

Archer was trying to work with Hoshi's translator while the female Klingon Bu'Kah writhed on the bio-bed in the restraints, spouting out gutteral phrases that could only mean curses in her foreign language. "Go ahead, Cap'n," Trip encouraged. "Show her how to be friends." Jon stepped forward and consulted the pad in his hands. "Your...mother...wears...an...apron...and...your...father...smells of elderberries." The sentence was stilted, as was his grasp of a foreign language. He meant to say "Welcome aboard. We've come in peace." Either way it didn't matter. Bu'Kah broke her restraints and crushed Archer's head between her massive B'etor's (also known as Boobages in Klingon.). Security was called in to restrain her again and Trip studied the stain on the floor that had been his captain. "I guess I should'a mentioned that if they sense a leader's weakness, they'll kill him outright before Jon went to talk to her. Ah well, lesson learned!"

Shadows of P'Jem:

Number One
"Tell me about your ship!" the terrorist demanded. Archer tried to prevaricate but he couldn't think fast enough to lie. It was lucky he was tied to T'Pol. "He's nobody important," she insisted. "He's just a steward!" "Oh!" said the terrorist with pleasure. "Then he's expendable." Close range weapons fire took care of the "Steward."

Number Two:
Archer and T'Pol struggled to remove themselves from their bindings. They tried rolling around on the dirty floor. They nearly made it to their feet when Archer's clumsiness caused them both to tumble to the ground. Archer's face planted firmly between T'Pol's dinners. He suffocated.

Number Three:
As the many factions gathered around, pointing fingers and generally placing blame at who might have screwed up whose rescue operations, only one person saw the hand moving toward the gun. T'Pol did what any logical Vulcan would do. She grabbed Archer's arm and shoved him in between the bullet and the Ambassador. It was a noble sacrifice. She was awarded captaincy of the human vessel for that.

Boy I'm bloodthirsty!

Sh'Pod One:

As Archer and T'Pol lingered in the Cargo Bay, studying the damage inflicted by the alien ship (which they can do, as demonstrated in Cold Front, where Archer just hangs around with an open bay door long after the oxygen and pressure should have finished him off. It's believable as long as he pants a little.) Archer began another long tirade about his favorite subject: gazelles. T'Pol couldn't stand it one second longer. She shoved him out the hole in the ship. It would be reported as collateral damage. Nobody was ever the wiser. Even if they were wiser, they certainly didn't speak up. Gazelles are stupid.

Fusion:
Phlox was trying to convince Archer that his fascination with the Hippie Vulcan spending so much time with T'Pol was really just a case of Archer having pent up sexual frustrations. Lt. Keen heard that and appeared. Removing a very large pair of scissors from her pocket she snipped off Archer's uncontrolled offending appendage. "That takes care of that," she stated, tossing the wrinkled meat the floor. "OOOOOOOWWWWWIIIIEEE!" Archer squealed behind her. "Oops!That's not good," she muttered, turning around. Using the scissors, she cut out his tongue, too. It joined the other wrinkled flab of human matter on the ground. Archer could only gargle in pain. "Much better," she murmured, walking away. "Don't have to worry about that anymore. Should save us a lot of trouble."

Ewww, gross!
Love it, Peachy!

Oh Peachy...hee!

So here's my first attempt at any sort of fanfic ever.

Geordi came quietly up to Zephram. “Look, sir, I know I shouldn’t be telling you anything else. Riker was really upset about the statue.” The tall man with close-cropped, graying hair stared with a mixture of resignation and fright. “But this is a matter of life and death!”

Zephram rolled eyes and steeled himself for the latest revelation. He was sick to death of the worship he had been getting from the visitors and wished he could avoid listening to their fawning stories of his amazing accomplishments yet to come. Why wouldn’t they leave him alone? And where did he leave his flask?

“You see, sir,” the supposedly blind man with the unnervingly blue eyes continued, “You’re going to become friends with a man named Henry Archer.”

Oh here we go, thought Zephram wearily to himself.

“This Henry is a good man, a heckuva an engineer. I’ve studied his work myself and how you two collaborated—“ Geordi stopped himself when he noticed Zephram starting to look around nervously. He had to be quick before Riker noticed. “The thing is, Henry has a son, Jon. Jon Archer must die.”

Zephram nearly choked on his own surprise. That was not what he was expecting. “So whaddya want me to do about this Jon Archer guy?”

“Whatever it takes, sir. He destroys everything. Our future depends on his removal from the timeline. If you could, I don’t know, prevent him from being born…?” Geordi hesitated. He didn’t want to advocate outright murder and thought that suggesting mere preemptive oblivion might make the request more palatable to his hero.

“I’ll…think about it.”

“That’s not good enough, sir. He cannot be allowed to live. He cannot be allowed to, well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you what he does. Just believe me that it’s bad and you don’t want it to happen.”

Zephram considered it. It didn’t seem so bad, really, just preventing a future colleague from having a kid? Maybe he could keep him from getting married in the first place? He had been daydreaming about visiting another solar system—maybe go to Alpha Centauri?—once he achieved wealth and fame (which was apparently all but guaranteed if this Geordi could be believed) and maybe he’d bring his pal Henry with him. Yes. That was exactly what he’d do. Then he’d have someone to keep him company should anything happen and strand him somewhere.

**************

Several centuries in the future, Daniels screamed in agony as he realized his beloved Jon had been erased from the timeline.

Acting Captain Tucker was summoned to Sickbay, where he found Dr. Phlox with a disgusted look on his face.

"Have you determined a cause of death, Doc?" Trip asked.

"Yes, but you're not going to like it," Phlox responded.

"So, tell me, how did Archer die?"

"Well, you remember we couldn't find his water polo ball when we were searching his quarters?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I found it."

"You don't mean someone shoved a water polo ball ..."

"up his ..."

"Oh, God."

"I think we can eliminate him as a suspect."

Trip almost chuckled, "Speaking of which, do we have a suspect?"

"Only half the ship."

That is an excellent fic, belsum. It hit just the right note! I hope you are encouraged to write more in the future! Heh!

BigBeagle, there's coffee all over my desk and dripping out my nose! Hee!

Rogue Planet:

First, a quickie:
The away team walks through the tangled jungle.
T'Pol: The alien shuttle is over there.
Reed: Follow me.
Archer: (like a douche) Malcolm, why don't we pretend like I'm the captain, mmmkay?
Reed: (allows Archer to take the lead) MUTINY! *fires pistol at the back of Archer's head.*
T'Pol and Reed look at one another.
T'Pol: I believe the alien shuttle is still over there.
Reed: Follow me. *steps over body and continues ahead*

Now, more thoroughly:
Archer commented out loud. "Earth gave up hunting years ago, although we have no problem eating your hunted food." The Eskan looked at their new guests with glee. "You have no idea the game to be found on this planet," Damrus chuckled. "I want to open a portal to a hell dimension and send them through it," Damrus whispered to his friends when the humans had gone to bed. "But I want them to join my creepy cult," whined Burzaan. "They would make excellent sacrifices; may I burn them?" "No," denied Damrus. "What if I call in my secret friends and use my ability to blend into the background to make certain they are never seen again?" Shiraht persuaded. "No," refused Damrus. "This it too much trouble. Let's just get rid of them and go back to killing furry woodland creatures."

The humans made it so easy for them. Reed wanted to go with them on a hunt. They moved in for the kill, but Reed was too slippery. He evaded them and ran for the shuttle pod. Hoshi was their next target; a terrified female should be no trouble. They didn't account for her vicious drop kick or her ability to communicate danger with her shrill voice. She also made it safely to her vessel. The Vulcan looked as though she could be snapped like a twig, but her scrawny arms contained a strength they could not imagine. She removed herself from their clutches and joined her crewmates. Archer was a dunderhead. He was standing in the woods, with his hand on his manhood, blathering about a woman nobody else saw. The Eska thought that Archer may have been too long in space already, if you know what I mean.

Archer was quickly surrounded as the Eska promised to take him to the "woman" he saw. They made certain he was too far from his shuttle to call for help, and then set him loose. "If you can run to your shuttle pod before we kill you, you can go free," Damrus told him. "What happens if I don't run fast enough?" Archer demanded. The Eska looked at each other and then at the human. "Uh, we kill you," Shiraht told him as though he was slow. "Okay, sounds fair," Archer nodded. "As long as I get to be part of the plan. I'm always part of the plan, you know." Already the Eskan were tired of him. "We'll count to one hundred and give you a head start," Burzaan promised. "No peeking!" Archer tutted them. Again they exchanged disbelieving looks, but they pretended to avert their eyes and began to count. "1...2...3...99...100." Damrus turned around and peered into the gloom. "Hah! You can't see me! I'm so good at everything, including hiding!" Archer's large ass hung out into view from the rock that sheltered his enormous head. The three Eskan realized there was no honor in this kill; they shot Rock Paper Scissors to see who had to do the deed. Damrus won. He killed ARcher, muttering "Told you we should have sent him to a hell dimension." Shiraht could be heard to mutter sarcastically in response. "Sure, nobody ever comes back from a hell dimension."

Hee! I love this thread! Great job, bel!
Beagle, I've been thinking how to kill Archer with water polo and you've done better than I could have imagined. Great characterizations. Bravo!
As always, Peachy, you are a gem.

All of these are absolutely brilliant.


bel, I'm seriously dying from laughter. Great Job!

Ha Ha! Beagle, that was wild. I don't even want to ponder the mechanics on that kill.

Peachy, you continue to amaze me with your ability to make me snort and giggle.

Last night I happened to catch the first episode of Scrubs, which has Matt Winston (Daniels) wandering around muttering "I'm a tool. I'm a dork." Etc. I found it particularly funny thinking "This is what happens when you lose your lover to temporal displacement." HEE! Thank you again, bel!

And this morning as I bent over to wrap a towel around my wet hair, I thought "I wonder if this is how they got the ball up his..." Heh! Which led to more ponderings: Was there clothing in the way or was the water polo ball just (ahem) free-balling? Was he discovered in the gym or his quarters? Was a match playing on the screen? How many crewmen makes up "about half the crew"? Now this story is it's own little murder mystery! Hee! This is what happens when my mind wanders away!

Hee! Someone get this woman a stack of Reed pictures, fast!

Thanks for all the kind words guys. I even showed it to Mr. b. He doesn't understand why it's Archer specifically that's being killed (he is extremely easy to please when it comes to Trek) but wants to play along, too. So hopefully I'll have a spousal offering to post sometime soon!

HELL YEAH! >;)

ACQUISITON:

The plan was working out nicely. The large-eared invaders stepped aboard the ship where everybody was sleeping peacefully. They prowled through the ship looking for valuable objects. They reached the bridge and ignored the handsome dark-haired man lying across his tactical console.

"Those bastards!" Ulis hissed. He poked the man lounging in the captain's chair. "They've hidden the captain from us! They've replaced him with this block of wood! They even dressed it in a uniform! This is despicable!" He looked at his cousin. "Krem, take this block of wood out back and burn it! Nobody makes fools of the Ferengi!"

OASIS:

Lieutenant Reed was a very clever man with a knack for invention. He watched the Kantare closely as they reassembled their holographic images. He had a plan.

Reed bustled through the ship. He wore his phase pistol and told anyone who stopped him that he was just updating security cameras. When he wore his phase pistol, nobody ever questioned him too deeply. Finally the holographic emitters were online.

While Archer slept, the tactical officer snuck into the captain's quarters and took detailed sensor scans of the male. Reed added those to his holographic imaging station. During one of those endless breakfast torture sessions, er, Meals! that is, Reed made copious audio recordings of the captain's voice.

Three weeks later there was a brief power surge. The ship went dark. People reported hearing screams coming from the airlock hatch, but there was no sign of struggle. When the captain appeared on the bridge, nobody appeared the wiser.

The Holographic Captain served as commanding officer of the little ship until long after the Romulan War. He was touted as the bravest, most honorable, bestest public speaker to ever grace the captain's chair. Until one day even his image just faded away.

Detained: (loosely based)

Archer didn't know how he'd come to be in jail, or what his crimes might have been. He just woke up here feeling sore and thirsty. He was also aware that he was not alone. Two other men were detained with him. The older man had weasely eyes and a pompous jaw. The younger had floppy hair and a word came to mind that Archer had heard Reed use: "poncy." Before they had time to make proper introductions, the door opened and the guards escorted all three to the office of the commander, a man referred to by his private secretary as Al. General Al scowled at all three men. "It has come to our attention that you three have committed sins of brazen atrocity and arrogance. Your sentence has already been prescribed by Siggy. You will have to live in the world you've created until you can prove that you understand what went wrong. Please step into the quantum accelerator." General Al ignored their pleas of leniency. "I offer only the leniency that you have offered to others," he replied. Archer and his nameless companions were spirited away, living in what could only be referred to as a hell dimension with the two pompous and poncy asses. It was a living nightmare that would never end.

*How about that Ana? I got both Berman and Braga! (Per your request in the S4 thread).

Yay! Wonderful, Peachy! (especially since you also put it in a Quantum Leap frame :)
I kind of imagine this hell dimension as a cross between something on Angel and Superman II (that's the one with the bad guys in the flying rhomboids, right?).
:D

I imagine that unending hell is a lot like Season 2 ENT. Just the three of them stuck on a ship that goes nowhere, usually in their underwear, repeating lines that others have spoken better, arguing about who's in charge. ;) YMMV, of course.

Vox Sola:
Reed stared in horror as his crewmates were dragged into the Giant Snotball. "Egads! Whatever shall I do?" he cried out. Just then, the Snotball seemed to gather itself together and force something out, just like a large sneeze. The husk of Archer flew across the Cargo Bay, hit a wall with tremendous force and slid to the ground like a leaf on the wind. Apparently it hadn't taken very long for the Snotball to suck all the life out of the nearly lifeless humanoid, and then it was regurgitated when the taste of ass became too much for the fragile life-form.

Reed then teamed up with Phlox, T'Pol and Hoshi to save Trip and Rostov.

FALLEN HERO: (literal)

Over breakfast in the Captain's Mess:
T'Pol: I think we should hit Risa so we can knock that stick out of your butt with some cheap and easy lovin's.
Archer: I'm gonna get laid? YIIIPPPEEEE! *thud*
T'Pol: T'Pol to Sickbay. Please bring an air compressor to the Mess. The captain's gone and broken his head open and I hear the sound of a pressure leak.
Phlox: AGAIN? Stop promising him sex! Damnit! Nobody wants a piece of that!

FALLEN HERO: (other)

The Mazarites burst into Sickbay with their guns blazing. After ascertaining from an overwrought doctor that the Vulcan Ambassador was in the imaging chamber, they fired upon it, killing the woman inside. Archer frowned. "You killed V'Lar! You bastards!" The Mazarites looked at the frowny man. "You're Captain Archer? We are such big fans of your work! We scheme and blackmail and lie and cheat and kill our opposition, but we're just hacks in the face of your skill! Please teach us how to be giant space jerks feared by the people who should love you most? Pleeeease?"

So Archer left Starfleet to become the Don of one of the most terrifying and feared mafia families on Mazar. His reign of terror lasted a week. The Mazarites killed him because he sucks. The next crime lord found a head of Archer in his bed. He knew his days were numbered as well.

Desert Crossing:

When Zobral asked Archer to come for dinner, this wasn't what he pictured. The tribe gathered around the large fire pit as Archer was hoisted onto a spit and rolled slowly while being basted with bat guano. Trip stood at the edge of the firelight, speaking into a communicator. He flipped it shut and faced Zobral. "Malcolm says he's bringing the guns right down." Zobral grinned. "You will sit next to me at dinner, when we dine on your disreputable and ungenerous captain!" Trip grinned, although the alien had no idea it was forced. "Sure, Z. Look, I gotta take care of a little paperwork, if you know what I mean." Zobral understood the necessity of privacy. While Trip scrambled to safety over a dune, Malcolm flew over in a shuttle pod and dropped a load of explosives on the camp. A charred Zobral crawled out of the burn sight. "Why?" he cried out. "Well for starters, if you'd eaten the captain you would have suffered from from one hell of a bout with excess gas


Two Days, Two Nights:

When Archer did not make the scheduled rendez-vous, T'Pol sent out a search party. They discovered the remains of Archer and some blond scattered around Archer's hotel room. Porthos and a poodle looked well-fed. And needed a bath.

Very Nice, PK. You got to use your favorite story idea too.

Thank you, jake. I did make mine shorter, mostly because I'm still giggling at yours. "Spits out Archer's brains" Hee hee!

Shockwave I:

"So let me get this straight?" Trip looked hard at Archer as T'Pol looked on quietly. "You went to bed and then had this long dream about a dead crewman who keeps giving you the "Come Hither" glance and now that you're awake, you think you know how to build a machine that's waaaay beyond anything I ever learned in Starfleet Engineer's Training?" He and T'Pol exchanged a look fraught with importance. "I wasn't asleep! I went back in time! And I wasn't watching him look at me, (although I was practically naked so who could blame him?) and it WAS REAL!" Archer insisted with a stamp of his foot.

A few hours later Phlox finished his psychological exam, complete with neural diagnosis. "I believe Captain Archer suffers from delusions of adequacy and hallucinations of balding lovers. There is no known cure for removing one's head from one's ass."

Jonathan Archer was wrapped in a special white coat. He was removed from the starship and incarcerated at Belle Reve. (Which is it's own kind of hell, n'est pas?)

Shockwave II (the first):

As Jon and Daniels scoured the destroyed library, an earthquake, not uncommon in the San Francisco area, shook the earth under their feet. The bookcases toppled over, killing them both.

Shockwave II (the second):

T'Pol rolled around on her bed, feeling like ten miles of bad road. The torture had been excruciating and she only wanted to sleep. But something kept nagging at her. "Captain? Why are you on the ceiling?" she asked the disembodied head floating up near the top of her cabin. "I'm...with Daniels. We're...in the past." "OH, okay," she mumbled. Reaching out a hand she picked up the remote control for her view screen and hit MUTE. The world was silent and eventually Archer's batteries died out, leaving him in the past or maybe the future, or at the very least, a parallel universe. With the only person in any time or space who loved him more than he loved himself. If that was possible.