Inspired by Skippy's List and Wolfie Kaynine's 50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do to with the TARDIS .

1. The Doctor is not be called Mr. Rose Tyler
*Neither is Mickey.
*Or Capt. Jack.
2. Gum does not belong on the underside of the TARDIS console.
*Or on the door.
*The floor.
*In the closets.
*Gum is banned from the TARDIS.
3. Not allowed to trade the Sonic Screwdriver for alcohol or sexual favors.
4. I am not the Cybermen God and should stop telling people I am.
*Neither is anyone I know.
5. Not allowed to steal batteries from the TARDIS for "personal use."
* Should not attempt to explain "personal use."
6. Not allowed to host a karaoke night in the TARDIS.
*Or open mic night.
7. Not allowed to enter the Doctor in a dance competition.

8. Only experienced time travellers are allowed to drive the TARDIS.
*Captain Jack is an experienced time traveller.
*I am not. Yet.

8. Just because it's "bigger on the inside", I am not allowed to store all my winter clothes in the TARDIS.
*Or my bike.
*Or all my gaming books.
*And especially not my cat's litter box.

I love this thread!

(since there were 2 #8's)

10. I'm not allowed to take the TARDIS for a quick spin to pick up a few things.
*even if it's the discontinued Altoids gum which I love so much
*especially if it's a complete sports history from the years 2000-2100

11. I am no longer allowed to open up the time vortex just to hear the pretty singing
*not even if Rose says it's okay

12. I am no longer allowed to move all of The Doctors clothing out of the wardrobe and no tell him which one of the other rooms I may have put them in.
*Not even if Jack thinks it'll be fun.

13. I can longer press the random buttons on the console just to see which one lights up the prettiest.
*Nor play with the monitor, even if I want to see if it gets American TV.

14. I can longer sit in the chair and proclaim "I am the lord of all time and space, worship me!"

15. No, The Doctor cannot make himself invisible, I should stop asking him to do it.
*He's not on the run from a guy in horned rimmed glasses and a Haitian.

16. I am not allowed to say "Engage" every time the Doctor touches the controls.

17. I am not allowed to ask Pizza Hut to deliver to the TARDIS.
* Unless the P'Zones are out, because the Doctor kinda likes those.
* But absolutely no Domino's, ever.
(*Because he said so, that's why.)

18. No, I may not stick a bumper sticker onto the TARDIS that says, "Honk a year ago if you're a time-traveler!"

19. I am no longer allowed to ask if things are sonic.
* Even if it would make Jack giggle.
* And I must stop asking the Doctor to sonicify things for me. Sonic technology is not a toy. Unless it's a sonic toy. And, no, the Doctor will not make my toys sonic.

20. If the Cloister Bell rings I am not allowed to say "Bring out yer dead!"
* Or "Avon Calling".
* I can say "Ding dong, the Witch is dead!", but not if Donna's around.
* Or Jackie.

21. I am not allowed to reenact "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure".
* Especially if Mickey thinks it's a good idea.

22. The Doctor's name is not Maurice and I should stop calling him that.
*It is not a family name.
23. Not allowed to put a bumper sticker on the TARDIS that says, "I'd rather be on Raxicoricofallapatorius."
24. I am not being repressed by any form or means and I should stop shouting that I am.
*Especially, when in the medieval era.
25. The Doctor is not a witch and should not be burned.
*I am sure he weighs more than a duck.
*And, will float.
26. Not allowed to toss the Doctor's hightops over power lines on on roof tops.
*It wasn't funny the first five times.
27. If something makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am not allowed to do it.
*Even if Capt. Jack did it first.

24. I am not allowed to graffiti any interior or exterior surface of the TARDIS.
*Sticking stuff (posters, pictures, funny cartoons, etc) on the walls of my room is okay, as long as I do not damage said walls.

25. I am not allowed to touch the Doctor's post-it notes.
*They are vital reminders about modifications made to different essential systems, not spirograph designs.
*Just because I can't read it doesn't mean it's not a language.
*The Doctor will not tell me what it means or teach me how to read it, so I should stop asking.

edited to fix numbering and spelling

26. I am not allowed to bring the presents my students bought me at the dollar store with me in the TARDIS.
Jackie says they tacky-up the place.

27. The Sonic Screwdriver is not a bottle opener.
*Neither is K-9.
*Neither are Jack's firearms.

28. I am not allowed to ask the Doctor what else he has two of.
* I can ask Jack, however.

29. I am not allowed to dislike/voice my dislike about any of the following: bananas, tea, converse, black jumpers, long scarfs, Cardiff.
*The Doctor gets upset, and no one likes him that way.

30. I am not allowed to leave my homework around the TARDIS
*The Doctor will finish it, and it makes the teacher suspicious.
*No one likes a messy TARDIS.
*The Doctor will make fun of me when I have trouble understanding a "simple" concept. Like quantum mechanics.
*I'll leave it in a room, only to never find it again.

31. I am not allowed to bring numerous visitors aboard.
*Everyone gets tired of hearing the "it's bigger on the inside" speech.

edited to change numbering

32. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to go back in time, and beat the snot out of the kids who used to bully me.

33. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to go forward in time to find out who the final Cylon is.
*Jack will not tell me who the final Cylon is, because he says it will spoil the narrative flow.
*The Doctor will not tell me who the final Cylon is either, I will just have to wait like everyone else.

34. I will not switch out the Doctor's glasses for a pair of Groucho glasses.
*Or googly-eyeball glasses.
*Or any other kind of prank glasses.

35. The Doctor does not look like Barty Crouch, Jr. from the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie.
*Even if Rose, Jack, Martha, and Donna all agree with me.
*Even if he really, really does.
*He insists he doesn't, therefore he doesn't.
*(He really does.)

36. I will not make lame Titanic jokes about Jack and Rose.
*The Doctor will kick me out at the corner of "no" and "where" if I do it again.
*The Doctor will not tell me where he hid my DVD collection until I "grow up a bit" (his words).

37. No parties in the Tardis
*Because when you spill jello shots into the heart of the Tardis, she starts taking you on some very strange trips.

38. I will not use the TARDIS to go forward in my sibling's life.
*It's completely and totally immoral.
*And could possibly create a parallel later on.
*Plus, it's just mean to tell them what their kids' names are going to be.

39. I will not start carting stuff from the TARDIS off to Sally Ann. Aparently despite the fact that Doctor never ever talks about a lot of the junk cluttering up the rooms, he is highly sentimental about it.

40. I will not ask the Doctor where is his towel?
* Especially not stop mid-aventure to exclaim "We forgot our towels"
* Nor will I ask any new Companion if they brought a towel.

41. I will not ask to use pyschic paper just to get free stuff from Chanel, Gucci, Versace etc.

42. I will not say "42" whenever the Doctor asks what is the meaning of something.

ETA: stupid 'puter error and stupid human interface error

41. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to skip ahead to Saturday so I can get Harry Potter early.
*The Doctor says that's an abuse of time travel, and I should just wait like everyone else.

42. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to jump back in time to see Sicko.
*Even if it means that Harry Potter will replace it in the theaters.
*And even if it means I have to wait for the DVD.
*But I am to see Hot Fuzz.

43. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to jump back in time to make the apple fall on Sir Issac Newton's head.
*The Doctor explained he did that already.
*Several times.

44. The Doctor is Not Spock!
*Nor is he Kirk, Scotty, McCoy,...
*Nor Bashir, Crusher, "The Doctor" from Voyager...
*But he will admit something about the number 42.

(Leaving out numbers, since they're getting hopelessly confused...)

- I am not allowed to reprogram any of the TARDIS's presets.

- Time is not on my side. Ever.
* Jack is, though, as long as I flash the girls at him.

- No, I may not use the TARDIS to help my mother move.
* No, not even one little sofa.

- I am no longer allowed to say, "When the TARDIS comes to a complete stop, please exit to your left, and enjoy your day here in the known universe."
* I am no longer allowed to say it en Espanol, either.
* I should still keep my manos and my brasos to myself, though.
* Unless Jack's around.

- I am not allowed to hang an air freshner from the TARDIS's rearview mirror.
* Even if the TARDIS is less than pine-fresh.
* And, no, I am not allowed to install a rearview mirror to hang aforementioned air freshner from.

- I am not allowed to rest my Dr. Pepper on the TARDIS console.
* Regardless of any ports that happen to look exactly like cupholders, because they aren't.
* No, really, they aren't.

- I am not allowed to use the TARDIS emergency brake unless there's an actual emergency.
* Munchies are not an emergency.
* Neither is thinking the man in the next room is a jewel thief.

Whatever-Number. I will NOT ask the Doctor whether Rose is bigger on the inside.
*Or Martha.
*But Captain Jack's okay.

Whatever-Number +1. I will NOT ask about Captain Jack's privates; life.

Whatever-Number +2. I will NOT use the TARDIS to go back in time and kidnap Mulder's sister.

Whatever-Number +3. I will NOT use the TARDIS to illegally switch Detour options.
*Or to expire my Yield.
*Or to eat a kilo of Russian Caviar quicker.

Whatever-Number +4. I will NOT ask why arguing with The Master isn't called MasDebating.

Whatever-Number +5. I will remember NOT to speak in Pig Latin. The ARDIS-TAY knows all.
*Ix-nay on the ay-gay. Or i-bay. atever-whay.

I will not ask the Doctor if he can do a dalek impression.
*But Captain Jack is okay.

I will not come back from a walk away from the Doctor wearing my bluetooth and talking robotically.
* even if it is funny

I will not tell the new female companion that the Doctor is totally into her but shy.
*Captain Jack doesn't need the help thanks

I will not use the TARDIS to hand in late assignments on time
*Or ask for a Doctor's certificate
*Or borrow Jack's retcon to make the lecturer forget I handed it in late
*Or ask for physic paper to show a legitmate extension was granted
*Or get Adric to do my assignments

I will not say shut up Adric.
*Or Peri
*But Mel is ok

I will not play "I Cant Decide" on the TARDIS sound system
*Or Here Come the Drums Spoiler S3 finale

-The Doctor will take me home to visit my family if I ask nicely, but he has no interest in meeting them for himself.
*If they insist on meeting him, I am not to introduce him as my boyfriend, fiancé, husband, and/or baby daddy.
*He has been slapped by enough peoples mothers, thank you very much.

(I am so never going to stop thinking of these and giggling.)


- I am no longer allowed to tell off-worlders that I am Earth royalty.
* Or a rich widow on the prowl for a new husband.
* Or Earth's most famous rock star.
* Or the imaginary mother of the Doctor's non-existant children.
* Most especially that last one.
* I'm not allowed to talk to off-worlders, period.

- I am not secretly a Time Lord.
* I am not allowed to imply that I am.

- I am not allowed to imitate the Doctor's accent.
* Even if I am pretty good at it.
* Because no one thinks it's funny.
* Just because Jack thinks it's funny, doesn't mean it is.
* I'm no judge, either.
* If the Doctor says something's not funny, it's not.

- I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to see what my grandma's getting me for Christmas.

- I am not allowed to raise sea monkies in the TARDIS for fun and profit.

- I am not allowed to ride my bicycle in the TARDIS.
* Or my roller skates.
* Or a Segway.
* Or a small pony.

- I am not allowed to buy cheap art, sign my name to it, plant it in the past, and make myself famous.

- I am not allowed to refer to it as, "playing a round of Hide The Sonic Screwdriver".
* Jack's not allowed to, either.

-I will not use the TARDIS to find an easy detour around traffic.
*Even if being chased by Daleks, Cybermen, Sliveen…
*…or Captain Jack's latest sexual conquest gone bad.

-I will not use the TARDIS to create déjà vu against my greatest enemies
*or to cause their music to skip
*or trick them by tapping them on the shoulder

-I will not use the infinite supply of tin foil in the kitchen to make monsters and randomly leave them in time and space.
*I have been informed this is rude
*Ten showed me his therapy bills from when the last companion did it.

-I will not wander around the TARDIS saying, "It's bigger on the inside."
*Even if it is true
*Even if the Doc's favorite sneakers get lost in it somewhere.
*And especially if said sneakers were in his pocket (don’t ask).

-I will not use the TARDIS as a study aid.
*Even though I can use it to see the test early.
*Or to sit through a semester's worth of lectures and "double check" certain facts
*Or find ways to blackmail the professor with random facts from his youth that he wishes to hide.

-I will not use the TARDIS to memorize all the old episodes of Star Trek.
*Just because his Ninth incarnation spoke with a Northern accent doesn't mean he's a Trekker.
*Although old episodes of Doctor Who are okay.
*The Doctor seems to like it when I do that.
*And promise to stay away from the Tin Foil.

(and this one is spoilered for the sake of those not yet in the gutter)
-I promise I will not play fetch with K-9.
*That daft metal dog takes perverse pleasure in making ME fetch the stick!
*And calling me his "Be-Yatch!"
*But I will play fetch with Captain Jack.
*Even though he too takes perverse pleasure in making me fetch the stick.
*As long as we don't disturb the Doctor.

-The term "Joyride" does not apply to the TARDIS.
*it is a sensitive device used specifically for the purposes of benefiting Time and Space.
*And her name is Sarah, not Joy.

Rose Tyler's breasts are not to be used as a personal flotation device.
*Neither are Jack's.
*Not even if he says it's ok.

The TARDIS does not have a "vibrate" setting.
*But if there is one, the Doctor isn't telling.
*Neither is Jack, but he does have this coy look in his eyes.

I am not allowed to "borrow" the TARDIS and a supply of retcon from Torchwood to go back and "convince" the TWoP PTB that putting the DW recaps on PH is a bad idea.
*I can, however, "convince" them never to touch "Hey Paula". That's just a mercy killing.

I am not allowed to use the Chameleon Arch to try to turn Ten into Casanova.
*Not even if the rest of the Companions are on board for this.
*ESPECIALLY if the rest of the Companions are on board for this.
*Although that rat-tail would be kinda fun to play with.

-I am not allowed to sign up the Doctor for any reality programs
*Even if it would be really funny for him to meet "The Fab Five" and get made over.
*Jack's alright with it.
*The Doctor still says no.

-I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to go back in time to convince certain television producers not to produce certain television finales.
*Even if they really sucked.

I am not allowed to chase Jack around the TARDIS with a sword, bellowing "There can be only one!"
*Especially if I try to do it in a Scottish accent

I am not allowed to shoot Jack at Sci Fi convention, so he can pop back to life and yell "There can be only one!"
*Especially when Christopher Lambert is one of the Con guests.

I am never to mention any of the Highlander Movies or Spin-off TV shows ever again.
*Especially the Cartoon, because it was way too weird.

I am not allowed to shoot Jack at Sci Fi conventions while he is dressed up as the Crow.
*Even if it gets him Goths of both genders.

Jack and I are not allowed to attend Science Fiction Conventions any more.

I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to play the lotto.

I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to download iTunes and make a pop music soundtrack for my life.
*Just because everyone gets a kick out of The Master doing it doesn't mean it's equally amusing when I do it.
*It's one thing to make a Playlist of Doom if your activities include world domination. But no one needs a soundtrack for mundane activities like brushing their teeth and going to their office job.

I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to go back in time to Plymouth, MA in 1620, just so I can sit by Plymouth Rock in a lawn chair and ask William Bradford what took him so long.

I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to go back in time to Hispanola in 1492, just so I can sit on the beach in a lawn chair and ask Columbus what took him so long.

I am not allowed to go back in time to L'Anse aux Meadows, Newfoundland, in 1000 so I can sit in a lawn chair and ask Leif Erricson what took him so long.

I am not allowed to take any of the lawn chairs out of the TARDIS again.

-I am not allowed to use the science lab to clone Captain Jack.
*The Doctor says one is already too many.
*Even if it's Captain Jack's idea.
*Especially if it's Captain Jack's idea.

-I am not allowed to use sexual innuendos near Captain Jack.
*Captain Jack will get ideas.
*Captain Jack will give me ideas.
*Jack is just one big sexual innuendo waiting to happen.

-I cannot flirt with the Doctor.
*He is a 900+ year old Time Lord (in a 36 year old body).
*He licks things with that tongue.
*It would give Jack too many ideas.

-I am not allowed to start my own religion while in the past.
*Cheese in a can is not god.
*Neither is the pet rock.
*And don't give Captain Jack any ideas.

-I am not allowed to go to the 1980s and declare neon colors illegal.
*It goes against the natural order of things.
*And think of those deer hunters, college students, and construction workers who need the colors.
*And especially if it would have saved me the social embarrassment that was junior high school.

ROFL
This one kills me. Okay, who else sticks out their tongue at him when he appears on screen for Hero's?

-I'm not allowed to access YouTube videos on the TARDIS console.
*especially if it's to play "Star Trekkin" on a loop for fifteen minutes.
*But "Doctorin the TARDIS" is somehow allowed.
*especially before going up against the Daleks.

-I'm not allowed to ask the Doctor about Casanova.
*Or whether he's going to regenerate into Peter O'Toole.

-I'm not allowed to ask Rose, "Why you gotta play that song so loud?"
*Even if she is.

-I'm not allowed to bring DW action figures onto the TARDIS.
*Especially if the Master has been shrinking people recently.
*Especially if the Master has been shrinking other companions recently.
*Especially if it's the Rose figure that used to be Lauren Cooper.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

-I'm not allowed to have a girly sleepover on the TARDIS, complete with facemasks and nail polish.
*Jack will want to join in.
*The Doctor won't.
*The Doctor really won't want to join in.
*So don't keep asking.

- I'm not allowed to say "Its Earth Jim, But not as we know it" when we are on Earth
*Even if the timeline has been altered by invading aliens
*especially if we are on an alternative universe Earth
* my quote is wrong anyway
* And no, I cant say "Its life Jim, but not as we know it" when encountering unknown aliens.
*Or when talking about Jack

- I'm not allowed to bring cute alien boyfriends into the TARDIS.
*Jack will probably steal him away from me.
*And the Doctor will be jealous because Jack's not paying attention to his cute new regeneration.
*And I really don't want him moody.
*The TARDIS would blame me for it and I'd be scared for my life.
*Hanky-Panky isn't allowed in the TARDIS anyway.
*And the walls are too thin.
*And I can't be sure that he's completely correct down there.

-I am not alllowed to keep historical figures in the TARDIS as pets
*Even if young Shakespeare was hot.
*Even if Jack likes the idea.

-I am not allowed to use the TARDIS and The Doctor for my own version of VH1's celebreality show called "Regeneration of Love."
*Trailer trash, endless alcohol, and the TARDIS console do not mix.
*The Doctor doesn't want to hand out TARDIS keys to these "women" every week and say "Will you continue share time and space with me?"
*Of course he did like the idea of throwing the rejectees into a black hole.

- I'm not allowed to use the TARDIS to crush Peri into oblivion
*Even if I really want to
*Even if Nicola Bryant's American accent is awful

- I'm not allowed to play hide and seek in the TARDIS anymore.
* Not since we lost three people in one game.
* It's too easy to get lost in infinate space.
* And because it gets Jack all overexcited.

- I'm not allowed to walk into normal people's houses and say "Oh wow, it looked smaller from outside!"
* Even if it did.

- Doors are locked for a reason.
* The Doctor doesn't appreciate you kicking his bedroom door down at 3AM to suggest a disco inferno.
* Even if Jack does the kicking.

- I'm no longer allowed to pretend to be the last of my kind when i meet new people.
* The Doctor says that's not something to be joked about.
* He gets really touchy.
* And no pretending to be an alien in front of humans.

- If the doctor's in an emo mood, he doesn't appreciate you offering him nacho's.
* It's 'being insensitive'.

- If Jack dares you to push a button, don't.
* There's really no excuse for ripping time and space open for a dare.

- No FoeYay in front of the Doctor.
* Save it for Jack.

- I'm not allowed to yell "Who?" every time someone says "Doctor".
* It's not big, and it's not clever.
* Particularly in crisis situations.

- No more telling people that i'm the 11th Doctor.
* He cannot regenerate as a woman.

- I'm not allowed to have a different room for every day of the week.
* It makes it too hard to find me in an emergency.
* Even if i get bored of my room.

- A drunken one-night-stand with Jack will create tension.
* Even the TARDIS is too small to live in with an ex.

* or Wil Wheaton

* or Jason Donovon

- I'm not allowed to ask Jack if being immortal means he can go more than one round
*even if Jack is willing to answer
*especially not if Jack is willing to prove it

-I'm not allowed to add "The" in front of my name when meeting new people.
*Especially not "The Missus"
*Nor "The Bitch*
*Nor the faghag after The Doctor and Captain Jack have introduced themselves
*I am not allowed to introduce myself

-I am not allowed to leave statues of weeping angels around
*actually they scare me too

-I am not allowed to go around pulling ear pods off of people.
*Especially not when I scream "robot!" right before I do so.
*Even though they scare me.
*The Doctor says it's paranoid and weird.
*He's probably right about that.

-I am no longer allowed to sneak up behind The Doctor and say "Are you my Mummy?"

- I am not allowed to dye the Doctor's hair pink.
*Even if Jack did dare me to.
*He would probably destroy a whole planet because of it.
*He might not be able to get it out and would be forced to shave it off.
*And I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.
*And besides, when would I have the chance?

- I'm not allowed to push the TARDIS over when the Doctor is inside.
* Particularly not onto the door side.
* Not even to see what would happen, vis-a-vis the fact that the inside is bigger.
* Not even if Jack offers to help.

-I'm not allowed to try to drive the TARDIS by myself.
*Because even the Doctor's steering is erratic and he's been doing this a lot longer than I have.
*Because the instructions are in a language I don't read.
*In fact, in an alphabet I don't know.
*And most of them have worn off the controls by now.
*Also because I might break something.
*And the Doctor says he's almost out of the Venusian duct tape he repairs the TARDIS with.

- I am not allowed to peek in when the Doctor is showering.
*Even if the door is open.
*Even if he does have a lovely ass.
*I am certainly not allowed to take pictures and send them to everyone I know.
*Nor am I allowed to steal his clothes and towels.
*But Jack said I could look in at him anytime I liked

- I am not allowed to allow to tie Jack up on a Sunday
* Even if I was bored
* Even if he wanted me to
* Even if The Doctor tells me not to use cable wires as restraints
* Even if it's kinda fun and hot!

-I am no longer allowed to say the Sam Tyler speech from Life on Mars every time we go back in time in the TARDIS.
*My name is not Sam Tyler.
*It's never 1973.
*I never had "an accident."
*I know for a fact that I'm traveling in time.
*Even though the Doctor is a fan of the show, Captain Jack thinks it's annoying.

-I am no longer allowed to refer to the landing as our "Quantum Leap."
*I am not Sam Becket.
*I look nothing like Scott Bakula
*I am in fact a girl.




ETA - the speech if anyone really wishes to know:
"My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.