I know this means I'm really lame, but I'm going to have to start reading the Survivors Strike Back blog this season because they've hired some totally awesome new people, like Jonathan and President Beefcake.

Take these gems from El Presidente.




HAH! Snerk.

Of course, to get to these kind of gems, you have to pass by Parvati's blog. Major highlights include wishing a Happy Valentine's Day to everyone and liking "Papa Smurf."

Is it just me or does SSB this season so far consist almost entirely of them all bitching about how much food Moto has? (And Scout bitching about how the women aren't getting enough airtime and how the first two boots were both women.)

I have never really read the SSB blog until today (after seeing this thread), and boy am I sorry that I missed the literary stylings of Bobby up until now. This:



...is a fucking gem. And there's more! I love that man.

Bobby says:



A reamarkably fleshed-out Happy Days analogy! Love it!

Parvati aside, they've got a pretty good group blogging over there. I had zero idea that Bobby was so witty and flat-out hysterical. Glad he's there. And it goes without saying how fabulous having Jonathan posting is, as well as how satisfying it is to have Brian back with his nifty observations.

Has Parvati even blogged? I'm on pins and needles waiting for what miraculous insights she has to share with us.

I think she had one contribution to the thread for the first episode, and it was a lot of KIT stay sweet high school yearbook drivel.

Not surprised. Anyone? Nope, no one's surprised.

I skimmed through BobDawg's second one. That one seemed forced to me. But maybe it's just because I hate Star Wars. But his first one... amazing. I don't even glance at Scout's anymore; but I enjoyed every word of President Beefcake's first one. Him, Jonathan, Brian, and Ethan are going to make this a fun season. I miss Katie and Rob C, though. They were funny when they were posting there.
Ozzy's there, too. Interestingly, he pretty much says that the boiled water is a waste of time. It tastes terrible and he preferred to live on coconut water the whole time he was out there. And he busts TPTB on the exaggerated sea snake danger hype!
Survivors who've never blogged there that I'd most like to see:
Judd: You's alls a buncha scumbagmanships!
Rupert: That chariot race reminded me of the time I caught all those fish! And made them pull chariots! Remember, Sandra?
Billy: I love you too, Michelle.
Boston Rob: Please. Two allies in two TC's? I would have voted out five already.
Osten: I can't do this, man. My computer chair is too hard. My glutes are cramping.
Rebecca: Edited by CBS

The witty and intelligent writings of Jonathan, Bruce, and President Beefcake just make Scout sound that much dumber, don't they?

I loved it when Ethan said that Jonathan's press photo looks like the photographer yelled "Boo", and snapped the photo, and Jonathan's response was that she actually said "Jew." Oh, Jonathan.

Defintely loving the blogs this season. Jonathan is awesome of course, and Bobby "BobDawg" is flat-out hilarious (although, it can be very long.) Also enjoy Bruce's, Ozzy's, and Brian's. They've got a pretty good group, once you look past Scout and Parvati.

I'm not crazy about Bruce's recent blogs.


Dude, Jonathan flipped exactly. . .twice? He's not exactly Cesternino or Fairplay.

Is there any other Rafe besides the "Guatemala" one?

And he picks. . .Jenna for this imaginary All-Star 2 tribe? As I recall, Bruce was the only one to vote for Chiclets, too. Hmmm.

Other notable Annoying Moments: Jenna acting like the Everybody's Grandmother of Survivor, Terry telling Ozzy that he feels his pain, and Ozzy referring to Survivor as "The Game."



WTF, Ethan?! I swear, more dick-measuring goes on in the Survivors Strike Back blog than the actual show. Which is saying a lot. At least President Beefcake's posts are interesting, jackass.

Edited to add:

OK, this is kind of funny, from Jenna.

Does Ozzy hate Becky? He kind of made a snide remark about her gaining two pounds on Cook Islands.

You guys should read Jonathan's recent post. <3 (haha).

I'm so confused. Where is this super secret blog we're allowed to discuss here?

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor14/show/ep02/blog.php

Brian:


Heh. I would kill to see 'Dreamz's nightmare' on the front page.

Better than that "Dreamz come true"...

There have been a few good lines. "Deconstructing Sylvia" was not that funny, but I remember Nate's "Snap! Back to peddling shoes!" headline being hilarious. I'm expecting, "Goodbye, Earl", "Mookie Crumbles" or "Liliana Gone... More So"

You guys? I. HATE. SCOUT.

Seriously...how long do you think it took her to come up with these bon mots? Oh so clever, with the alliteration. Most of them? Don't even make sense. And then calling Ravu 'Ravo' for the entire entry. The misuse of quotes, the capital letters. It's like God molded a person out of all of my pet peeves. AND THEN made it pretentious and faux earthy, and then put it right on one of my favorite shows, just to mess with me. I just...ugh.

Hee. When I read her bio, I want to like her, but then I read her blog entries, and I feel as you do.

I got a big kick out of how many bloggers jumped on Sylvia's comment from last week's episode, when she said at Tribal Council that she thought the tribe should choose a leader when they got back to camp. The consensus seemed to be, "Woman, have you never watched this show?"

I think they got Parvati to blog so that Jenna's contributions wouldn't be the lamest anymore.

Terry's are the lamest. Scout wins for sheer quantity of lameness, but for just flat out "Hi, I'm going to post the most boring five sentences anybody could possibly think of and then stand here with my cape flapping in the wind while I clench my buttocks!" posts, there is nobody as dull as Terry. At least Parvati is unintentionally amusing at times. Terry isn't stupid; he's just even more boring on the blog than he was on the show.

Cletus

I do believe that this needs to be quoted on every page of this thread.

The bloggers have a little bit of a dialogue going with one another, responding to one another's posts, but with Terry, all they can say is, "Challenge Monster." So I think some of them might agree with us.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that someone who had no grasp of strategy or interpersonal machinations, and survived merely because he came through on the challenges, can't analyze the game in a compelling fashion.

Terry's are dull, but Parvati's and Jenna's are either insipid or vapid. I can't decide which word I like better there, so take your pick.

I think I'll pass. My time is a little too valuable to be wading through crap like that. But I will be checking back here to see what gems you guys fish out from the stream of sewage that pours forth from the brilliant minds of Jenna & Pals.

Scout: Brown coconut water gives you the shits because it's rotten, you ejit!

Ozzy: You shouldn't use words like "synapses." Stick with "rock" and "tree" and like that.

Parvati: I want to throw up all over your face.

Jonathan: Rock on, coco-man!

Jenna: STFU.

I love Jonathan but I think he really messed up in his latest blog...



Rocky and Mookie were not foiled in their attempt to boot Anthony by Earl, Anthony, Yao-Man and Michelle! They were being smart and tossing a few at Anthony just in case Sylvia had the HII. As far I know Rocky and Mookie ARE still in whatever passes for an alliance on Ravu and I'm willing to bet that if they go back to tribal council it will be either Rita or Anthony who goes and not James/Mookie.

However I should note that Jonathan DOES look hot in his blog picture so I won't hold it against him.

Rita will probably go, because she voted against Earl, but I don't think James or Mookie are in the main Ravu alliance. They led the charge against Erica, who was close to Earl and Anthony, and Michelle didn't want to vote for her either. They tried that again with Anthony and this time the others went their own way.

No! Really? That's, like, absolutely never happened before! Thanks for that brilliant insight, Scout!



And after all, you, having watched a few minutes of Gary vaguely articulating his pain, know better than the doctors, who actually examined him and have medical training. Obviously.

Well duh, Fipe. Have you not read her blog postings? The Super Scout Sees All and Knows All.

-rolls her eyes- That woman is in serious need of a reality check, stat.

I mean, come on. Last season, she referred to Asians as "the yellow people" in one of her entries. My jaw dropped, I stared for a moment, then I cracked up. Because what do you do when faced with that sort of idiocy? You either laugh or you cry, and my mascara wasn't waterproof.

As for the rest of the posters, I found Ethan vaguely amusing last season, beyond the "OMG Ozzy is SOOOOOOOO sooper kewl and I love him!" schtick, but he lost me with the Cliff Notes comment about my precious BobDawg. Either read it or don't, dweeb. Don't bitch because it's too long for you... just skip it.

Jonathan is, of course, my True Survivor Love, and his presence on the blog is nothing short of proof that God really does exist.

...Of course, Parvati's there, too, so I'd say we've got evidence of the opposition, one might say, as well.



So funny, so true, Cletus. Terry basically pops in to say, "You know, when I was on Survivor, I was totally awesome. I was a Challenge Monster. Won almost everything, yep I did. Jeff loved me. I found the Idol, too. Remember? And I was a fighter pilot, and I'm way cool, and you all should chime in because I need confirmation of my total domination over the rest of the Survivor world! VALIDATE ME, DAMNIT!" And the whole "six watched" thing? Total crap. I come from a military family, I have military friends. I do not know a one of them who would say "watch your six" unless it was ironic, or in a combat situation. (And even then... it's not likely.) And as Terry does not know the meaning of irony, and the blogs are not exactly a war zone, I must conclude he's a puffed up moron who likes to play up his Super Fighter Pilot persona to make himself look all Important and Special.

As for BobDawg... my love, it is as boundless as the sea. Why the hell couldn't he have stayed longer on his season? I mean, I loved the man for taking Courtney down a peg, but we never really got to see this side of him... and I like it incredibly. He's witty and articulate and hilariously funny. And the Star Wars references? Oh, Holy Jesus, I thought I would die. Nothing does a geek like me happier than to see meta commentary for a geeky pleasure in the style of another geeky pleasure.

Brian is, as usual, a treasure, and should start a blog with Jonathan and BobDawg, so I can read only their thoughts and not have to deal with the other crap.

I'm waiting with bated breath for Yul's first entry. Here's hoping he can deliver his coolness in the blog. Heh. At least he'll probably be able to spell and type with a reasonable amount of coherence and precision... unlike certain others posting there. (Like people who shall remain named Scout.)

BobDawg gets quote of the week:



And what is Poverty talking about, Ozzy "cliff jumping with spider monkeys" in Australia? You might find spider monkeys in a zoo where I believe the opportunity for cliff jumping would be few.

Becky is as invisible on the blogs just like as she was on the show!

Where did Yul, Candice, and Rafe go?

Maybe they only have limited bandwidth and Scout and BobDawg have been hogging it all? :-)

Scout needs to shut up but Bob is awesome. I loved his recaps of Cook Islands on Reality Dish.

Oh. My. God.

She didn't. ... Did she??

The reason some of the Survivors are bitching about the length of posts, in my opinion, is that people like Ethan are dicks.

Oh, I'm afraid she did, lindsey.

Here's one instance- and I quote exactly- of her overwhelming jackassery: "A good Jewish boy, like Jonathan, doesn't make points with The Yellow People by claiming to be "Their Savior"! Neither can he make points with that blatant bragging of his. Jonathan needs to know that Asian people have a cultural bias toward humility?!!"

(That's from here, by the way.)

I'm surprised CBS still lets her blog after all the shit she said last season.

Scout is a moron. In fact, I really only read the posts by Brian, Jonathan, and President Beefcake. Nuggets like this from Jonathan regarding Rocky and Lisi are the reason:



David Lee Roth mates with Meat Loaf. Hee!

If I didn't love Jonathan already, I would love him for this Lisi comparisons. "David Lee Roth mates with Meat Loaf" made me choke. Too perfect.

I didn't really appreciate President Beefcake's bashing of Anthony this week, but I can't help but find this funny:



But, dude, at least he's honest.



I am still sick of comments like this, this one from Amy.



Enough with the gabble-gabbling about those living in luxury. I think it's kind of a miserable, sucky twist, but I sense a comeuppance in the works, and a ripping away of the camp after the merge, at the very least. And, yeah, perhaps Moto has got it easier than you, Amy and Jenna and Ethan, but you don't seem to mention that Ravu has it harder. Where's the "these guys had it harder than we ever did." Yeah, I thought so.

A final gem from Scout:



Yeah, thanks, Rupert.

I think Jonathan's analysis of the bottle is flawed. If Ravu had won, they would have had to choose between staying at Camp Nothing, or giving up immunity and moving to Camp Candelabra.

Can anybody get a message to Scout? If so, please pass this on: STFU!

I was dissapointed to see no blogs from either Candice or Parvati. I don't think either one of them would openly endorse Moto's choice, yet it would be entertaining to see them claim otherwise, considering how quickly they sold out two of their fellow Raros to Jonathan in exchange for thirty pieces from Long John Silver's.

Damn, Jonathan doesn't hold back! The part about Danny Fiorella sounded like he was channeling his Nanny character. The stuff about Lisi was mean, but so funny.

I wish Rafe would post again. Not that he would have any special spin on the last episode, but I always really enjoyed his blogs. I think he blogged on the first few Cook Island episodes then that was it.

As if we needed one more reason to know Jonathan rules, Ethan said the snake regurgitation reminded him of a Romero movie, and Jonathan pointed out that it was more Cronenberg. So perfectly true. I knew something wasn't quite right about the first comparison.

Ha! Oh, President Beefcake.




Shut it, Brucie! Firstly, Gary did not leave the game because he has a pot belly. Although you don't seem to realize that. Secondly, Gary seems to be a reasonably active person in his normal life, at least according to his bio, and performed at least adequately in every physical challenge. Moreover, there are more components to Survivor than just the strictly physical.

Oh, come on, you didn't find it at all funny that BRUCE is the only one making fun of the guy that was medically evacuated? I know, the hunor isn't where he intended it to be, but funny is still funny. Too bad Hatch isn't there to tell Rocky to put some pants on.

Isn't Bruce the one who was bad in most of the challenges and sat around at his "zen garden" instead of doing any work?

Lisi and Stacy, you know you're in trouble when Parvati calls you "mean girls."

I wish I had a dollar for every time Scout uses an exclamation point, or misuses the possessive. If I read "the producer's" when she means "the producers," I may throw something. If I had half a brain, I'd just skip her posts.

I really didn't pick up on Dreamz 100% turn around regarding Cassandra until I read Sandra's post. He went from last week's "I'm not pointing any fingers, but (points finger) Cassandra should go," to this week's "Cassandra is my best ally and we are going to jump ship."

Leave it to Jonathan, to come up with the strangest, yet somewhat accurate way to describe this season so far:



I can actually see where he's coming from. Fiji is like Die Another Day in some ways, and yes, we need our Casino Royale fast. Hee!

I was also struck by what he said about Rocky (who he loathed last week, along with Lisi):

I like the way his mind works.

I've only seen three seasons of Survivor: Borneo, Marquesas, & Cook Islands.... so I have no idea who "Bobby" is. But I'm a big fan of his blogs. Maybe more than Jonathan's :x. But just barely. First, there's the nerdiness (Star Wars, role playing games, etc.), his style, and general lack of concern for the wordiness of his entries. All of that endears him to my heart.

Heh. Your lies will catch up to you one day, Bruce.

Bobby's blogs are inconsistent to me. Half of the time he's incredibly lucid, the other half of me is surprised that he's becoming a fan of Rocky or something (I stopped reading after that line)