Just watched the first episode of this new ITV series (which is damn near a SciFi shoo-in, I'd think) and didn't mind it too much. The presence of S Club 7 singer Hannah Spearrit had some people worried, with the assumption being that the producers were trying to recreate the success the BBC had with Billie Piper in Doctor Who (Primeval is being bandied around by ITV's programming wonks as their Who-killer; cunningly, they've chosen to air it six weeks ahead of the new series of Who episodes.)

The good: Hannah Spearrit, who's just too cute for words -- she's a pixie, dammit. And she gets to play with the cute lizard. Solid CGI of beasties. Some fun ideas. Gorgonopsis on a rampage.

The bad: some weak CGI, Stupid Science, Stupid Plotting, Stupid People (something is going bulldozer in the hallways. Do you a) Go look b) Get the fuck out by any means possible?) Lead scientist and Special Forces guy step through a time anomaly to go 250 million years into the past, taking with them no special gear and no frickin' recording equipment, not even a camera. That had me in yell-at-the-screen mode.

Overall, it's a lot weaker than it really ought to be, and much of the cast plays it flat, which really saps the energy of the show and exposes the weaker elements. There's an intriguing mystery introduced, but no real sense of urgency -- lead scientist Cutter spends his time angsting about his missing wife (who apparently has been traveling to the past regularly) rather than fretting about the potential lethal effects of lifeforms from prehistory suddenly turning up in the present. Hopefully it'll get better, although I suspect I might implode if they repeat some of the stupider parts of this episode.

Next week it's giant creepy-crawlies in the sewers and Abby in her underwear. I'll be there for the latter, probably repeatedly.

And off I go to find a new piece of cheesy goodness to fill the void left by Torchwood and Robin Hood in my heart. Thanks.

Looks like a watchable series. The girl (Hannah Spearrit) and the flying lizard were way cute, the Gorgonwhatsit rampaged satisfyingly but the student guy was mostly irritating and needs to wash his hair asap. The wife mystery is angsty and not terribly interesting.

The acting is a bit dodgy here and there and the CGI effects are so-so.

Next week's preview looks okay though I see that they could not resist falling back on that old classic; the bitee and illness which needs to be identified sooner than yesterday or the bitten dies.

Oh yes, the obligatory bureaucrat while mildly annoying was good for a few laughs.

I liked it myself. I found it a lot more interesting than Robin Hood, to be honest. Looking forward to the next few weeks.

Definitely more interesting than Robin Hood was -- after one episode of that series I had no desire whatsoever to continue watching. This, despite points that caused me to complain, has me intrigued, and I do like Spearrit's character. I just hope she's not going to be spending the series being in jeopardy to make the stories happen.

Cutter's gung-ho assistant puts me in mind of Doomwatch, oddly enough.

The dinosaurs don't really interest me at all but I'm intrigued by the possibility that Cutter's wife is not just some damsel in distress but - well - a bit of a bitch, who has run off to do something dubious in prehistory, leaving him to grieve and now taunting him about it. Maybe that's not what's going on, but it could be and I quite like that idea.

Henshall: sexy. Home Office woman: possibly cool. Bureaucrat/Ben Miller: silly, original (pre-Angel) Wesley and pointless. Other characters: whatever.

It's very ITV, isn't it, from the titles onwards - it just somehow says Brian Clemens/Brian Eastman all over it.

Ha, that was my first thought upon seeing him. Wash your bloody hair!

Hannah Spearitt was surprisingly good. It's nice when you go into something expecting the worse, because most of the time it can only be better than what you anticipated.

On a shallow note the Steven guy was hot.

Egad, yes. Or something Terry Nation might have produced, had he an actual budget (they spent a million quid an episode on this. I wonder where that went?)



Steven March. He's the one who reminded me of Dr. John whosit from Doomwatch -- the go-to, arse-kicking kind of guy with a debonair edge (although this character apparently only goes so far as having a stack of GQ in his lav.) Just the sort of bloke you want to have around when you need to run down a Gorgonopsid with an SUV.

Alas, Cutter is no Quist. He's got a little of Bernard Quatermass in him, though, although the good Doctor Q. would by now have smacked Cutter over the head with his pipe and told him to get on with matters before all hell inevitably breaks loose.

This moved along at a nice pace. The dinosaurs were good, becuase it is a family show, I suppose it would be too much to show the Chompyosauris pouncing and devouring all the dog walkers, hikers and scout troups that would actually be infesting these woods in real life.

But Hannah was cute and her new pet flying dinosaur is cute as a button, bopping along to the lift music.
Head Dino Doc was smoldering in that sort constipated face sort of a way.
His hunky assistant either has push up on the charm or acting or begin to lose his shirt.
The Junior Home office bod was charming enough, but Ben Miller needs to have better quips. My least favourite character is greasy conspiracy nut.

It seems quite fun and if the rumoured twist proves true then central mystery could prove interesting.

I dunno. It worked and it didn't. It's a charasmatic cast, great FX, a decent concept. But while the first episode had all that horrible premise setting up going on (considering the hype machine was bound to have been hitting the audience over the head with it for months in advance, maybe they should have started with the team already established a single newcomer joining/having it explained to them?), I'm much more troubled by all the little mistakes that make it look like they're just not paying attention.

Things like the kid seeing the dino out the window of his ground floor classroom window only for the assistant to later run away down some stairs. Or characters saying "you always say that" to each other when they just met two scenes previously. And considering this is a show with big time travelling dinos in it, it's a bit odd my suspension of disbelief is strained most by things like mothers who see the side of their house ripped out and then blame their kid for it.


The viewing figures for it are in, BTW, 6.7m apparantly.

I didnt know Hannah was going to be in it and I'm embarassed to say how long it took me to click it was her.

Overall I kinda liked the show. Sure the CGI sucked and the acting wasnt exactly what you would call good, but there was some eyecandy and a certain element of fun. I'll give it a couple of episodes to see if it settles down into something good. Not a bad start.



Yeh it was miles better than Robin Hood, but then again it isnt that hard ;)

Nearly everything is better than Robin Hood. Yeah, the mother apparently thinking her son did that damage was ridiculous, as was the silly "it's behind you!" "Where?" business with the teacher.

The weird thing about this show for me was that as I was watching it, I could kind of imagine the hypothetical TWoP recap in my head, and I was counting all the plotholes that a recapper would be picking out - and there did seem to be a lot.

I've already seen the second episode (I have a friend who works at ITV) and I prefer it to the first one, because it seems to flow better once they've got all the clunky exposition out of the way. However, a lot of people seem to think the second episode is far weaker than the first, so YMMV, I guess.

I want this to be good, but at the moment I have the same problem with this that I had with Torchwood - it has lots of potential and a capable cast but is being really bogged down by some horrible, horrible writing.

Not the Who-killer they want then, I'd say. I also wonder how many of that 6.7 million will be back for the next one.



And nobody in the neighborhood registers than a seven-tonne dinosaur is ripping up one of the houses in the close, complete with huge roaring sounds in the process?

Meanwhile, I can see zoologists and herpetologists everywhere cringing at the sight of Hannah Spearrit running around with an unknown and potentially dangerous lizard specimen wrapped in a small blanket. Of course, if she'd followed the correct protocols for handling something like this, we'd never have gotten the bits with the lizard flying around and acting all cute.

I thought it was utter rubbish, but good fun. We'll be back next week. I've ficced on it already.

My son adores the little flying thingy.

Let's give it a try:

Thankfully, the writers have a basic understanding of how a 'giant rampaging dinosaurs' TV show will be promoted so don't dick us around by being coy about what the Thing in the Woods is. Instead, we get a great big lizard chasing a woman, a Professor Cutter, around a car park from the very first shot. Eight years later another Professor Cutter, a palaentologist distinguished by his Y chromosome and his angsty pining for his wife (the original Cutter XX from the teaser, who's been missing ever since), is cornered by a student who has a report of a big monster less than a mile from where Cutter XX vanished.

Cutter XY and said student high tail it down to investigate along with Cutter XY's research assistant. After hooking up with a hot Home Office official in a hotel bar, they discover a half eaten truck full of mostly eaten chickens. Fortunately Cutter XY's assistant is an expert big game hunter and tracker (is Cutter the most forward planning palaentologist in the world or what?) and they follow the trail through the woods only to come face to face with a genuine, no-bullshit dinosaur.

While all this has been going on, Poor Man's Billie Piper is getting the sack from her job from the zoo despite being one of the world's leading reptile expert (hot teenager division) but takes on one last task for them - to pick up a rare reptile a young Anakinalike is unable to care for. PMBP is shocked that the 'reptile' is in fact a small flying dinosaur called Rex. So shocked, in fact, that her brain falls out her head and she takes a small child and the rarest animal in the world into the middle of the forest Rex was found in, just to look about. Because, y'know, if it runs off or anything she can pick one of those up almost anywhere. Oh look, it has run off!

Just as well, considering the giant dino that roars through the forest, makes them shit their pants, and chases Anakinalike all the way home and tries to make like Jaws and Robert Shaw only with beds, not boats. Fortunately, he manages to beat it off with his mad lightsabre skillz but is still stuck with a mother so stupid that she thinks he ripped off the side of the house himself. PMBP finally bumps into the Cutter Crew (they just died in your arms tonight.. must have been something you said) in time to confirm Cutter's view that the dino they've found is a veggiesaurus and find a big hole that's been punched in the fabric of space/time ("I don't want to say magic door"). They retrieve Rex and head back to Chez Anakin where they totally sell out the kid and act like he's crazy with all his dino talk (that's what you get for leaving PMBP to be eaten alive, chump. Bitch holds a grudge).

Cutter XY and PMBP get hauled off to London by Home Office Lady where Poor Man's Ben Stiller (who, funnily enough, is actually an actor called Ben Miller) tries to boss them around before he lauches into a "hilarious" setpiece that involves falling over, mugging, running around like a slack jawed idiot and, yes, dino poop. Jesus Christ. The upside is that if them made an episode that was 45mins of Rex bopping along to elevator muzak I'd probably watch it. Because that? Was CUTE. Back in the sticks, Meatasaurus is tracking down Anakin to his school and this obsession with little boys is making me think Meatasurus is a card carrying member of NADBLA. Anyhoo, it somehow shrinks down enough to comfortably fit in a school corridor (My God! It's a Slitheen!) and attacks Anakin and his teacher in a blur of poor continuity where the classroom can't decide what floor it's on. Fortunately, Cutter's assistant shows up and distracts it by running away a lot.

Cutter, meantime, returns to the Magic Door with a bunch of Stargate extras and voooms through to the ancient past. The bodyguard that's been sent with him doesn't seem to grasp the concept of being close to the body in order to guard it and just lets Cutter wander off on his own until some wobbling of the Magic Door gets him antsy and he goes looking for him. He finds Cutter XY at a destroyed basecamp containing Cutter XX's camera and a male skeleton that, strangely, doesn't have any of the crush damage you'd expect from entering one end of a dino and exiting the other. After some hideously macho bullshit, Cutter XY is literally dragged back through the Magic Door just before it sputters out completely.

It's at this point that Meatasaurus pops up again to say "Hi!" (although it pronounces it "GaRRRRRAAARRGGHH!!") and completely fails to eat any extras. To be fair, though, the extras pump huge amounts of ammo into it with no effect so it's 0-0 there. But, lo! Here comes academic research assitant cum big game hunter cum hit and run driver man who preserves his boss's tenure (and arms, and legs, and head) by ramming Meatasaurus with an SUV. The dino's down for the count, but the SUV doesn't even have a scrape and I SO don't want one of those things on the same road as my kid (crumple zones save lives, people!). After finishing meatasaurus off with some more gunfire (and seriously, there's no point in my book in being all 'what about the children!?' about deaths onscreen if you're just going to put in so much "Guns rock!" crap in your show).

The Cutter Crew head back in London where Poor Man's Ben Stiller is relieved the crisis is over, but Cutter observes that this isn't actually a pilot and they've already been pre-commissioned, shatnering that "This! Is! Not! Over!" as the music goes crazy to persuade us that five more episode of this stuff is a good thing.

Home once more, Cutter XY looks through the photos from Cutter XX's camera - discovering that she's taken photo after photo of herself despite being in the fucking ancient past surrounded by fucking dinosaurs (which is like a 9.8 on the Cordelia Scale of Self Absorbment). But what's this? Someone has broken into his office and left him an early Valentine's - a million year old snail (Snails = True Love). Chasing the shadowy intruder he catches sight of her -- it's Cutter XX! Despite all his moaning all episode about doing anything to find her, everyone has their limits - Cutter XY's being crossing a road, cause chasing into the ancient past is one thing but she just totally stepped into the shadows. There's no coming back from that. Or maybe Cutter XY's just in shock about the fact that his wife seems to have been just dicking him around for the past eight years and has been perfectly okay the whole time!

NEXT WEEK: The writers put that persistent "Doctor Who rip-off" tag to rest by having spiders build a giant web in the London underground. Oh, and it's getting hot in here so PMBP takes off all her clothes. As you do.

Nullain, that was awesome.

Was it just me, or is Cutter XY apparently able to hear the music cues? Possibly I'm just remembering it wrong, but I'm sure he leaves the office, at which point there's a shadow that he can't possibly have seen from where he was positioned, and a "something creepy is happening right now, yo" music cue just before he yells "who's there?" or whatever, so I assumed he'd been listening to the soundtrack.

HA! Brilliant, Nuallain!

God, yes.


Hee hee hee, I love this - let's call them that from now on.


Heh! Okay, going to stop quoting now, but that was a very funny recap-ette. I hope you'll be back!

I don't think Cutter XX took the photos herself - and she certainly seemed to be smiling happily at the person who did (the soon-to-be skellington?), not in a "oh noes I've been kidnapped to the past and may never see my husband again, I just hope he keeps looking for me especially if he ever hears about a magic door in the forest" way but more a "a-bwah-ha-ha, I'm kinda evil and when he eventually tracks me down he'll be heartbroken to realise I'm actually the prime mover behind a nefarious dinosaur-exploiting, time-messing-with, world domination plan, which may lead him to fall tearfully into the arms of the Home Office woman" sort of way. But I could be wrong.

Hee! Thanks everyone.



Of course! I should have seen that myself - you can't have two attractive age-appropriate women on the same show as your male lead without one of them turning out to be eeevil so he can boink the other one guilt free. That's TV 101 right there. And, of course, since one is capable, tough and has brains to burn and the other one is kind of bland with a City and Guilds in Excellent Questions, it's obvious the capable, independent one will be the evil one.

Unless they're going for a love triangle: Excellent Questions loves Cutter XY but he's obsessed with his mystery wife but Kraven the Hunter/Fossil Gatherer loves Excellent Questions but she doesn't know etc etc.

I saw the Sunday repeat of this and it was okish, just kind of produced a "meh, fine, whatever" reaction, as someone said, very ITV. The science was stupid but that hasn't stopped 40 years of Who or any other British sci-fi shows so it doesn't matter too much. I thought it was very obvious that it was trying to ape DW, whilst trying to be very different (honest!) though.

The graphics were rubbish, honestly, I though ITV did better with "Prehistoric Park" last time around, at no point were they anything near convincing Dinosaurs.

Hannah Spearitt looked cute, but Billie Piper has nothing to worry about for her in terms of acting or screen presense, I never believed she was really a big expert in lizards, but she does have the potential to improve, the others were all fine, nothing really standout IMHO. I liked the inclsion of Ben Miller though, even in a rather generic role. 6.7 million isn't the number they were hoping for, I bet, its more like what "The Bill" and "wild at Heart" get for a fraction of the price, but it could build up later on.



Heh, lets be fair there can't be that many sci-fi/fantasy plots DW hasn't done over the years, in fact I'm no expert but I think they've ripped themselves off many times over. So are the "team" just going to become generic "experts that sort out weird stuff" now?

So Funny Nuallain

Hee Nuallain that was great. I hope you plan to continue next week. CutterXX's photos are so funny. They were such tourist snaps, I was half expecting one with her arms around a dino or something.

Word on XX's dumb photos. Dude! You're in a friggin' lost world. Perhaps it's time to use your film on pics of the prehistoric scenery, or dinosaurs instead of:

"Oh yeah, this is me by the prehistoric mountain. You obviously can't see the mountain because my ginormous sunglasses ate it. Also, there's a dinosaur in the bottom left hand corner of the picture, but due to the fact that I'm not wearing a bra under my saggy vest, you won't be noticing that either. Hey, check out my tan!"

I got a real Captain Jack vibe from the Great White Hunter dude, though. It must have been that metrosexual glowering he did at the fidosaurus.

Also, the music choices were a little strange. "Monster" playing when SClubThingy was driving down to see the dragon fly was an appropriately themed touch, but what's with the rock and roll country twang when the dragon was causing a ruckus in the Home Office?

Generally, I didn't think it was that bad, and yes I will be watching next week because I love me some spiders.

Oh, God, nuallain, that had me pissing myself. Genious!!

Nuallain, that was brilliant. I actually shed a tear from laughing so hard. I have to say that I'm pretty plot hole resistant (given that I really don't care much about plot anyway) but even I noticed some great gapping wholes in this one. The episode was good fun, if full of cheese. I'll probably stick around for a while. And on a side note I'd completely forgotten about the existence of S Club 7 until I saw Hannah Spearritt. Then I remembered it and the fact that even as a teen I thought it was horribly cheesy.

Has Cutter had a stroke, or did he go the the Marlon Brando school of mumble-acting?

Damn, I was all hopeful for a minute that we had got rid of geek boy. He's irritating. I like Cutter XX's random appearences though.

The centipede freaked me out a little, I have an isue with bugs and giant ones were not good for me.

Not bad. An improvement over last week but the horrible awful way the "authorities" handled the situation was a bit muvh for even me to take.

I am ridiculously excited over the giant crocodile snafling the guy diving into the pool in the promo for next week. How frickin' awesome did that look!?

And Geekboy has to be there, dippychik, for to make the "Obligatory Love Triangle". Every show must have one. It's the law.

That wasn't too bad an episode, even if I missed the some of the beginning stuff whilst getting my tea.

I really don't like creepy crawlies, the spider freaked me out slightly more than the centipede (I think it was the scuttling that did it).

Hannah Spearit's definitly doing better after S Club than some... I did get the giggles seeing her dance to 'Country Girl', but that might have partly been due to the fact I'd just watched the 'country' themed Dancing on Ice just before it...

So can't be bother with Cutter XX though.

See, here I was hoping that maybe this show was too cheesy for that. I'll admit this wasn't the triangle I was expecting.



I was starting to find her somewhat annoying in this episode. I guess I have a very low tolerence for her.

Heh, I find her the most tolerable so far. Her and the other woman. I dislike Geekboy (though his hair did seemed like it'd been washed this episode), Cutter is... there, and Steven is still hot.

The bit where poisoned Steven saw Helen was interesting. In fact it was the only part of the episode that caught my attention. That and the promo for next week. The crocodile looks really good!

At least it's better than Robin Hood.

But... but... but... I can't be the only one that just finds this incredibly boring, can I? Robin Hood was extraordinary in its awfulness, but this, even with all the money spent on it and the SFX, is just so bland. I admit I've missed most of both episodes, but that's just because I've ended up switching over within minutes, barely even realising that I'm doing it, because there's just nothing to it. It feels like something that could be on around 5 o'clock on a weekday before Neighbours if it was on the BBC.

I did try to watch it again this week, after giving up last week but then reading the relatively positive views here, but again I found myself switching over to that terrible Graham Norton thing on BBC1 (then switching off to prevent myself from running into the street screaming).

Maybe I needed to pay more attention to get something out of it, or maybe I'm biased because Rachel was always my favourite in S Club, but my reaction was a resounding 'eh...'.

Ha. I love this because it's so bad. The spiders falling off the ceiling was the funniest thing I've seen all week.

Re not the love triangle that dippychik was expecting...I wrote slash for this programme last week.

That's probably not what you meant however.

nuallain we need another of your recaps!!

Connor is definitely coming off as the Poor Man's Johnny Depp, although with about a tenth of the talent (if that much.) A rather annoying character, too, being a useless prat at the start (in a time-waster sequence) albeit useful, sort of, in the finish. And he serves a decent purpose as possible critter bait. As far as Abby goes, though, if she gives him more than a friendly nod now and then she'd be daft. Mind you, she ought to give Stephen a wide berth too, as he's obviously determined to get himself eaten while trying to protect his One True Love -- i.e., Cutter XY.

The shallow part of me enjoyed Hannah Spearrit all glisteny and running around in her pink knickers. The Cute got a bit much this week, though, and there needed to be a little more Rex.

The monsters of the week were kind of eh...I would have thought the giant spiders and the Arthropleura would have become rather slowed down by the cold. The CGI was fairly spotty in many places -- the spider effects were particularly sub-par.

And my great big nitpick about the series, from week to week -- where are the hazard protocols? Where's the biohazard gear (mind you, if they'd gone in properly covered various people wouldn't have gotten bitten)? And where the hell are the cameras? I mean, they send in an SAS team with night vision equipment, and there's no cameras involved...no video recordings being made. Luckily for them there's the odd bit of actual evidence -- you know, a Gorgonopsid carcass, a splattered Arthropleura.... I wonder what's being done with 'em? Poor Man's Hugh Laurie seems to hint that the specimens are being buried in a landfill somewhere.

The series could really use a kick up the arse -- this episode was badly unbalanced, with a lot of wasted space at the front. And it's only two episodes in and I'm really tired of Cutter XY wangsting endlessly over Cutter XX, who, if she's involved with whatever is behind this, is now complicit in several deaths, several injuries, and a lot of property damage. At least they took a half-step forward in that storyline, and it looks as though the next episode will take another half step forwards. I'm ready to bet that the end of the sixth episode sees Cutter XY caught in the past and being thoroughly Poor Man's Liam Neeson. Next series: Cutter XY sets off in search of Rip Hunter, Time Master!

If they give me an episode in which Abby spends most of the episode frolicking naked in a prehistoric lagoon, I might forgive them for the cheese they're serving...well, some of it, anyway.

My expectations are way too high. When Not!CaptainJack was down in the tunnels looking for XY, and and he was waving his blow torch around at the Crawly, all I could think was: "Christ! Didn't they just say that the oxygen levels are way higher down there? Shouldn't that flame be massive and out of control? At least TRY to get the science right!!"

It is of course possible that I am a bigger dork than Geekboy.

Aww no, you're using some basic logic there (something the producers left at home), Geekboy is just an idiot. I love Buffy was much as the next geek but when he kept referencing it I just wanted the centipede to get him.



Not quite. You did however put some interesting thoughts in my head ;)



The preview croc is my favourite "special CGI guest" so far (not counting Rex who is too cute).

Well both episodes were fun, but there is a bit of a battle going on between my love of cheesy sci -fi and my inner biology geek!
I mean everyone knows (and by that of course I biology geeks) that centipedes are poisonous and carnivorous (if usually smaller)... it is millipedes that are veggie.. so geeky student was being a very silly, unknowledgeable geek... which is just wrong! Ok it was prehistoric - but it would be a good bet that it was be likely to be poisonous!
Also because the beasties are so large they could easily suffocate if the O2 level drops - so they might have tried a non contact, 'just change the atmosphere in the closed rooms' style of attack

Apparantly that was the writers covering themselves. The particular species featured in the episode really is believed to have lived off a diet of bark and leaves, just as the man who would be geek said, but they made it a venomous predator 'cause it's more 'citing, innit?

They also made the Arthropleura a good fifty percent bigger than current theory says they were -- fossil records have them up to three meters in length; the one on the show was nearly five meters, although because the CGI was once again inconsistent it tended to look anything up to ten meters long at any given time.

Wow amazing! I am glad they do some research... it did seem a bit odd at the time but just goes to show... I shall give them the benefit of the doubt in future.. and I am impressed by your knowledge!

Previously on Primeval... "GRRaargh!" "Magic Door" "Where's me wife?!" But NO Loch Ness Monsters.

I don't know why they put previouslies on this ep since the first 20 minutes is given over to characters recapping episode one. For this expositionathon, the Cutter Crew split up into teams of two. First nerd’s mouthing off attracts mirth from lesser nerds. He must have fallen through a Magic Door from 1997 since he thinks that Star Wars is the ultimate holy object to be sworn by. Seems dude's never seen Phantom Menace.

He then heads to PMBP's loft where they recap how she stole Rex last week. There is no muzak or muzak related head bopping. Nuallain is sad.

They head to a lakeside where there's been some dino sighting. She hints that she fancies Cutter's hunky assistant and nerd hints that said assistant may be massively gay. She strops off as if nerd's remark proves he's a jealous asshole. Really, it just proves he's seen the last episode. I mean, c'mon! It’ll all end in unfound notes in his tackle box and 'fossil digs' with Cutter up on Brokeback Mountain. The faker than usual dino turns out to be a practical joke by the lesser nerds. Cutter is on the outs with them because their whole plan if it *had* been a dino was to throw copies of the Lord of the Rings at it.

Elsewhere, PMBS and Home Office Hottie are recapping the whole of the previous episode. They're no Jacob, I have to say.

Back in his Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, Cutter and his Swiss Army Assistant (cause he's so multifunctional) are recapping the "Wife! Missing! Angsty!" arc.

And then the plot starts. Hurray! Strange doings are afoot in the Underground. And I don't mean that guy who plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on the kazoo with his spincter. No, this is almost as horrible, as giant spiders menace commuters and rats and engineers. There is biting.

PMBS closes the Underground and an army of Stargaters line up outside the Underground, armed to the teeth. Way to keep a low profile, guys . Bodyguard Ryan is there! Which probably means he's supposed to be guarding some body in Yorkshire. Aaaanyway, he and SG-Dumb head down to the Underground on their bug hunt. The 'seek' goes okay, but the 'destroy' not so much. After not shooting the first spider they see, they don't shoot the massive spider army dangling over their heads. Then they get bitten. Lots.

Cutter decides the spiders' victory over armed troops means that a bunch of unarmed squints will fare better. Their X-Files issue torches scare off the spiders but after they find this week's Magic Door things go to hell when a giant centipede, of all things, attacks. SAA gets PMBP to safety but Cutter winds up spread-eagled across a door while Centi hammers away on the door ourside. Add wails of "buuh I jush wanna somin to loooove!" and it's a Saturday night. SAA is up on top (how he likes it) where HOH informs him it'll be a while before SG-Dumb can rescue XY. SAA immediately narrows his immaculately waxed eyebrows and heads underground on his own. He A-Teams a flamethrower which somehow doesn't explode in the 'highly oxegenated air' of the spider nest. Meanwhile nerdy is back in PMBP's good graces (next stop: her pants) and reports that Centi only eats bark and leaves. But when the Magic Door somehow sucks SAA's flame thrower out of his hand prompting Centi to move in and give him a good old bite.

Let's pause a moment while I call BULLSHIT. It’s one thing to give meatasuarus a pair of falsie sabreteeth. Or centi attacking people even though, as nerd *correctly* said, they weren't meat eaters. Maybe its venom is a defence against predators. BUT it's hunting prey. But then why does it just keeps putting the bite on and scurrying off. Never mind, I'll accept all that. What I can't swallow, no matter how many heaps of salt I throw on it is a frickin centipede that go "Aha! My worthy advesary! You are disarmed and helpless! Now I attack!" It's a bug! A big bug maybe but still A BUG! Is this supposed to be the Einstein of bugs or something?!

So, after I stop spitting blood all over my floor, XX pops up to say hi to the paralysed SAA and leave a message for XY. She'll be on the other side of the Magic Door waiting for him. XY's too busy dragging SAA's ass to safety, though, while pretending his claims of XX's livlieness are venom induced delusions. PMBP must have gotten a nip too as she's writing her own slashfic in her head as she goes off in the ambulance with SAA. She's all tearful and upset, kind of, but mainly she underlines that when it comes to uncontrolled snotty crying: Genuine Original Billie Piper - Accept No Substitutes.

Seems they need a pure sample of venom to work up an antidote and even then odds are 50/50. The doc doesn't recommend some crazy treatment that will cure the original problem while almost killing the patient, which I’m given to understand is the usual procedure in these mystery illness cases. The Cutter Crew and what's left of SG-Dumb head back down with a plan audacious in its simplicity and stupendous in its stupidity. Basically, they're going to shine torches at the spiders to push them into the Magic Door (I picture XX going 'FUCK!' as she suddenly finds herself neck deep in a stampede of killer spiders) and then XY will let Centi bite him. Hmmm... Entertaining as that plan sounds, I think it would work better if Cutter was wearing a full body condom to fill up rather than just an teeny bag on one forearm. For a moment it looks like centi has already escaped through the Magic Door and Cutter looks like he's just been told Jake Gyllenhall is straight in real life. Fortunately, nerd knows that centi is a burrower and they discover it's managed to build a tunnel. Through solid concrete. With its teeth.

This was when I started the *serious* drinking.

They squeeze through the tunnel and find it hanging out in the power room. Cutter gets shouty at Bodyguard Ryan not to kill it until he's bitten (because, as you know, venom evaporates instantly upon death). It manages to bite Cutter exactly where it's supposed to before nerd downs the bug with some electric shock stool-fu - sparking off some of the greatest ham acting ever done by a CG monster. "Ooooh.. the pain" it practically moans as it thrashes about melodramatically.

Later, SAA is given a clean bill of health while XY gazes into the Magic Door that's pointedly *not* being poked and prodded by physicists doggedly trying to figure out how and why it works. The nameless nerd shows up to establish he's forgiven for messing up at the start of the episode and practically begs for a cool nickname. I have a good think. And then it strikes me. With the Buffy obsession, Star Wars trump cards and utter asshatedness, I have no choice but to dub thee... Andrewlite. He's sub-Andrew; almost Andrew; not-quite-as-cool-as-Andrew. I knew Andrew. Andrew was a geek of mine. And you, sir, are no Andrew.

I can't think of anything sadder than that.

Once Andrewlite shuffles off, XY's alone with the Magic Door and wonders aloud what the hell XX is up to. He doesn't go through, possibly suspecting a trap and showing more brains than I'd given him credit for.

NEXT WEEK: Loch! Ness! Monster! But seriously, the guy getting snaffled by a giant crocodile as he dives into a swimming pool was AWESOME. Also: PMBS gets on XY's case about the whole " XX: Supervillain. Probably" issue.

Yay! I was hoping you'd do this because I missed (couldn't be bothered to tape) last week's episode, so funny AND useful! Great stuff.


HA, you're so right.

Am encouraged it's still likely XX is eeeevil.

*Cheers for nuallain's recap!*

I hope she is the kind of eeevil that "wins" though. The rest of the people on this show are kind of dumb, it would be a shame if she was beaten by them.

Thanks for another great recap Nuallain. It made me laugh almost as much as the ep. did ;)

Amusing recap, Nuallain.

Personally I think SAA is determined to Die Tragically for Cutter, acquiring Emo credentials Andrewlite could only dream of....

Hot damn, that shit was funnier than last week. Can't wait for nuallains' recap.

That was just wierd. Funny, but wierd.

Are we supposed to be taking it seriously? Cos I really, really can't...

I think we're meant to, but I just can't. I could lose my shit and start screaming at the telly, but frankly, it's more fun to laugh at it. And Christ, do I laugh at it.

That shit in the basement? I fell off the settee with the Mega-Gannets attacking the plumber. It was funnier than the spiders last week.

By the way, anyone catch Harry hill's TV Burp? They took the piss out the spider scene. Well, Nick Baker's show's ending and it's just perfect for getting the piss ripped out of it.

Aw, they miss a great HoYay! opportunity by having the HomeOfficeGirl perform CPR rather than the HotResearchAssistant.

Did anyone else's mind go to naughty places when Cutter XX said the reason she wanted Cutter XY was because she was still "human".