I don't know how many of you watch "Real Time w/ Bill Maher" but there's a segment at the end of every show called "New Rules" where he creates "rules" that our society or our government should follow. It's pretty funny most of the time and he usually includes some scathingly on-point social/political commentary. I know they archive his "new rules" on his site on HBO.com

Anyway, I thought it would be interesting if we had a new rules-esque thread. This is somewhat like the Unpopular Opinions thread, but not really. Just pretend you're a policy actor and if you could, you'd enact certain rules (i.e. "no more shows where the protagonist always gets called by their whole name a la Veronica Mars").

I'll start.

New Rule: Leave Hollywood couples, even the trashy, alone. The one news story that punctuated all the election coverage was Britney has finally (for some of us who cared in the first place) decided to divorce K-Fed. Why do we care? Also, I hate the idea that people are glad they broke up. I know people are entitled to their opinions and all, but we just know they're a little trashy and have some type of symbiotic relationship. But that doesn't mean they didn't love each other, or love their children, or care for one another. It's not the same as Bobby and Whitney who both have had legal issues and drug issues. They have kids, too. Britney and Kevin are just a little more trashy than we'd like them to be, even though that's horseshit too considering how many of us plop down to watch Flavor of Love, which is such a refined, classy, not-at-all-misogynistic show. I think hoping for a couple to split who basically haven't done anything to anyone is a little mean-spirited. Okay, it's mean-spirited as hell. Let them have their dysfunction.

No more shows with a-hole white collar professionals acting all sarcastic and tough and stuff (but really they have a heart way underneath!) who are surrounded by syncophants who satisfy all the PC requirements (minority, sexy woman) and have very little character development, except being in love with the a-hole.

New Rule: No more TV shows set in major cities with just a token minority presence. If you want an all-white cast, set the show in Idaho or Vermont somewhere.

Love triangles are Not Permitted. At all. Neither is the sad UST that extends for eight soul-sucking seasons without resolution. Do or do not; there is no artificial barrier allowed.

I dont mind exploitation of hollywood couples. You wanted to be in the limelight, take it for all its worth. Hollywood couples' kids, however, I think ought to be left alone. I was espcially skeeved out by all the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's son's death and daughter's paternity.
News and tabloid news needs to draw a line somewhere, and I draw it at the innocent children caught up in the mess. (Note, I am not including child star actors in this mix).

scair, you stole my rule. Or maybe our minds just work the same.

New Rule: No more women with men's names - Syd, Alex, and especially Max.
New Rule: No more lame holiday episodes with a main character dreaming he's Bob Cratchett or Ebeneezer Scrooge.

20bored: Thanks for starting this thread. I was going to start a similar one: "Stop It Right Now: What Bugs You About Television."

Or "It's a Wonderful Life"

Thanks, roseyrose. I would've had a bookmark to that thread and written a dissertation. BTW, your name makes me think of Erykah Badu's character on "The Cider House Rules."

Oh yeah, guys? Ten points if you start off your posts with "New Rule."

"
I love that book.

New Rule: Teenage characters are not permitted to spew pop culture references without having been old enough to walk/talk in that year or older. This holds true especially for the Eighties era. Thus it will stop being cute when an eighteen year old makes witty cracks about Duran Duran, Rubik Cubes and jelly shoes.

New Rule: If pop culture references are to be used, they must be used sparingly and only if they are truly funny and relevant to the scene.

I'm thinking the latter. I seem to remember a similar weakness for Weiss on Alias? Also, New Rule: No more older, brilliant, curmudgeonly male boss and young sweet thing with Issues fall for each other. So tired of it. Hmm. I think a lot of my rules would involve shipping. Verrry few shows have been able to convince me to actively ship.

New rule: If appearing on a home improvement show, no one is allowed to do "high-fives" after completing even the most mundane chore.

Aww, Weiss. I was crushed when he left Alias.

Amen.

New Rule: Unless you are Lenny Briscoe, you are not allowed to be a cop with a history of alcoholism and bad marriages.
New Rule: No more parent/child estrangements.

Allow me to add to that with New Rule: No high-fives, ever.

New Rule: If the setting of your show is in a school or similarly diverse place, every single person in said place cannot be attractive and fit. Show a little love to the normal people, please. Your average looking characters cannot really be models wearing glasses and/or braces.

New Rule: If your characters are poor, make them look like they are poor. Have them wear the same clothes twice. Have the clothes look like they are from K-Mart. The teens should not have cell phones or shiny new cars or an MP3 players. People should not live in fancy apartments with antique furniture or artwork.

New rule - If you are going to have your characters spend most of their time in a bar, then have them get drunk occasionally.

Mm, nice!


Well, hey now, I don't think Alex counts...But I am biased :)

New rule: Colored filters are hereby banned from general use on shows. (CSI: Miami, I'm looking at you.)
New rule: Girls are not allowed to "become attractive" by taking off their glasses, getting rid of braces or retainers, and/or becoming a book-shunning, full-out extrovert.

The sole exception to this rule shall be John Munch.

New Rule: No more fat, sloppy husbands with smart, gorgeous wives.

New Rule: When showing a sunset or sundown on t.v., show the sun in the manner it actually tracks and don't try to fool us by running the sunset in reverse to approximate the morning's sunrise to us "the next day" (especially when you showed the same sunset clip in the correct direction in the "good night" scene). We're not stupid and know the path the sun tracks through the sky in the hemisphere that the show was taped. You're not fooling us.

From Wikipedia:

New Rule: You can no longer imply that a character is stupid by having him speak in a Southern Californian "surfer" style, especially if the character is from anywhere else in the country and his family speaks normally.

The same goes for Southern accents.

NEW RULE: If the story is set in an area that does not have mountains, do not film in an area of the world with mountains and assume (remember: when you "assume", you make an "ass" of "u" and only "u") people won't notice. There was an episode of The X-Files that was supposed to be set in Minnesota. WE DO NOT HAVE MOUNTAINS IN MINNESOTA. Yeah, we've got some killer hills in the Twin Cities area, but they certainly don't qualify for mountain status.

New Rule: When characters are showing in bed (either during lovemaking or just after), the women must not wear a bra/nightie. Seriously.....how many women get it on while wearing a bra/nightie?


ETA:

WE DO NOT HAVE MOUNTAINS IN MINNESOTA.

Little House on the Prairie was horribly guilty of this as well. Hello....it's about a house on the PRAIRIE! Yet, the family was always climbing those big ass mountains.

New rule: In comedies, a guy who stalks the girl he likes, calls and hangs up repeatedly, sends flowers anonymously, etc. will not get the girl. He will be sent to the psych ward.

New Rule: Soap Operas must maintain a minimum of two, and ideally three core families with at least three generations represented, and all generations must have relevant and interesting storylines. In addition, only very limited latitude will be given for such retconning as bringing people back from the dead, bringing in hitherto unknown twins, and reversing canon features such as abortions/miscarriages...

New Operas: Soap operas must never age their kids too quickly. They can't have a baby or a toddler one year and then make them a teen the next year or two.

Hee, VB and roseyrose!

New rule: Please stop assuming that all Americans view only blonde, WASPY people as attractive, thereby casting the majority of them, particularly women, as leads.

New rule: If you must have women thin, then show them WORKING for it. And no, I don't mean being borderline anorexic or shunning everything but salads. Show them exercising, or allow them to talk about exercising, and making sound food choices. No more size 2 women eating all junk food in sight with no consequences.

New rule: Hold characters accountable for their actions. Your audience will respect you much more. Doesn't have to happen immediately, as long as it happens.

Sorry. Actually, I love that name for a woman. I'm just tired of "let's make her more edgy by giving her a guy's name".

Exception granted.

Similarly, no more women wearing the guys shirt the night after hooking up. And no answering the door or meeting said guys friend/family members after the one nighs stand/hook-up dressed only in his shirt. Who does this, really?

New rule: CSI's can stay married to each other and have a normal life after work
New rule: Co-workers do not have to fall in love, they can find a boyfriend/girlfriend outside of the workplace
New rule: Stop making the children smarter than the parents, still isn't funny
New rule: Stop making Dad's look stupid, not all men are incapable of existing without a woman/mom/wife

New Rule: No more male leads named Jack. In fact, no more characters, lead, secondary, tertiary, male or female, named Jack at all for a few decades. Also, not Jake or Nick or Mac, either. (You aren't fooling us. You wanted to use Jack.)

And while we're at it, let's get rid of the L-shaped bedsheet(you know, the one that goes up to a woman's neck but only the man's waist).

Shelwood:

Heh, no fair, you stole the Rule I was going to use!
O.K., so here's a corollary.
New Rule: no more female leads named Annie, Meg, or Kate. Especially if you're trying to indicate that said character is cute and spunky. Find a new name!

Heh, I was totally going to do the Jack Rule, too!

New Rule: On reality shows, when making an important announcement, there shall be no more artificially elongated pauses in order to "build" "suspense".
Judge: And the winner of this challenge is...
*shot of Joe's face*
*shot of Mary's face*
*shot of Sally's face*
*music goes thump, thump
*continents drift*
Judge: ...Mary!

Other New Rule: Also on reality shows, there will be no more voiceovers telling us what we just saw.

Judge: Contestants, in this challenge you must build a working particle accelerator using only items found in your mom's purse.

Mary's VO: So the judges come in and told us we had to build a working particle accelerator using only items found in our mom's purse.

Heck yeah!

New rule, reality show-specific: If any contestant uses the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends," said contestant shall be promptly eliminated/voted off/kicked out of the house/kicked off the island/given the ol' size nines and fed to hungry crocodiles. Maybe the last part only if the contestant in question is really aggravating.

New rule, for promos: Quit it with the plinky-plinky music whenever something BIG is scheduled to commence between the main couple or would-be couple. Quit making this couple or non-couple the focus of the promo. Quit insulting our capacities as TV-watchers by assuming we watch shows only for the 'ships. I guess that was three rules so feel free to make them addendums or whatever the term is.

What an awesome thread--I wanna play too!

New rule: Kids on tv are not be allowed to be "sassy", "spunky", "precocious", or whatever the hell other euphamism they're using now that is just code for "obnoxious back-talking little smartass". If a real child would get smacked upside the head for said behavior, so must the tv child.

On screen.

Here! Here!

And henceforth, cops looking forward to retiring from their gritty urban police force (anywhere on God's green earth) to live in the country (again, anywhere on God's green earth) and hang out with their wives and fish with their buddies will no longer be killed in tragic on the job incidents because they took a shift as a "favor" for a buddy who is a chronic fuck up!

Love this thread!

Here's a Rule for you:
No matter how "hot" they are, no man or woman are allowed to hook up on a TV show unless they actually have something in common. In order to hook up, the couple must share some common interest or activity they can talk about (besides sex) and show genuine enjoyment of each other's company outside the bedroom. This whole "opposites attract" thing? Old, old, old! Opposites may attract, but it's likeness that retains.

Another one: unless the writers would know how to write the couple as a couple, they must never bother to create sparkage between two characters. This whole "if they get together, the show will Jump the Shark" thing is also very old. TV writers must learn how to write characters in a committed relationship!

Furthermore: phony triangles must not be created with the sole purpose of forestalling a couple's getting together. I'm tempted to agree with the "no more triangles, EVER" rule, but occasionally a triangle can be halfway interesting, if all three characters are treated sympathetically and allowed to be complex (e.g. Lorelai/Luke/Rachel from GG S1). But this particular rule, I name the "Iris Rule" -- a reference to a character who should never have existed, since her name might as well have been Stumbling Block to Romance (she having no purpose but this).

And finally -- stupidity, ignorance, lack of curiosity, and anti-bookishness are NOT attractive qualities! In men or in women! Therefore, writers must cease any and all attempts to write stupid guys (e.g. Joey on Friends) and stupid girls (e.g. Mallory on Family Ties) as cute, funny, and endearing. Stupid characters must be depicted as they really are: annoying!

Exemption: The Todd.

New rule: Lightning may strike twice in the same place. Helicopters may not.

New rule: Most doctors should have some idea of how conception happens and how to avoid it. Repeated unplanned pregnancies in the same hospital department must stop now.

New rule: No more stunt casting on reality shows.
Corollary: No more Rob and Amber on any reality shows.

2nd Corollary: Or any scripted shows.

3rd Corollary: Or anything pretending to be a "newsmagazine". Please, just flush these famewhores and get on to the next set - they had their fifteen minutes already!

You stole my rule!

New related Rule: Shows that start off about one thing will not turn into being solely about getting the main character finally shipped with the man/woman who's been waiting for years for them/they've waited for years for. That will be a small part of the show and the family drama or workplace drama will remain that at its core.

Word, word, word. If this was an actual rule, shiiiit, that little heifer on Everybody Ha-ates Chris would be in direct violation of it.

New Rule:

Any cable channel claiming to show "Classic" TV sitcoms must avoid the following shows: The Cosby Show, Roseanne, Fresh Prince, Three's Company, etc. All shows must have been off the air for at least 10 years before becoming eligible to Classic status.

Sub-rule: Said channels must limit the use of "Marathon" nights (whereby only one sitcom is shown the entire night) to no more than once every other week.

Attention TVLand and Nick-at-Nite.......I'm lookin' at you.

Another syndication rule:

In deference to the classic status of a show like The Twilight Zone (original) or M*A*S*H*, these shows must be aired in their original entirety, with commercials taking up no more air time than they did during the show's original run. "Syndication edits" must come to an immediate end. Commercials can take up our time as much as they please during current shows (where the air time is tailored to fit current commercial needs/wants), but the Almighty Advertising God will not be given the power to trim moving, important, or interesting scenes from classic television episodes!

Oh, another rule while I'm here:
No British animated show must retain its original voice cast, and never, never, never be re-dubbed with asinine American celebrity voices.

And "dull-voiced" actresses like Neve Campbell and Claire Danes will never again be hired to do voice work. Only performers with distinctive voices allowed!

New Rule: In those paper towel/spray cleaner commercials in which an adorable little kid spills his drink all over the floor, there will no longer be a scene in which the mom wipes up her kid's mess with a resigned smile. Instead, we will see the kid using the towels/spray/whatever to clean up his OWN DAMN MESS while mom looks on approvingly.

I swear, if I ever saw that commercial, I would run out and buy a gross of that product, right now.

Great new rules everyone! This one is a tough one though:



I don't think it can be done and keep audience interest in the romance. It's been a problem forever. I read in the 50's movie writers used to call romantic movies "DF movies" (DF stands for delayed fuck). They had to keep the lovers apart for as long as possible to satisfy the audience.

Now that I think about it, the keeping of lovers apart is a kind of foreplay between author and audience. Once the desire is satisfied, the audience leaves. So, its really the audience, not the writers, who are committment phobic.

And, in this millenium, The Office has perfected the DF. What other possible reason could the writers have for keeping Jim and Pam apart?

New rule: Working moms will be shown more realistically. Instead of making a gourmet breakfast for their famliies on weekdays, they will be shown handing them a Pop Tart and a piece of cold pizza.

New rule: Men will not be shown as automatic bozos when it comes to doing chores inside. Sometimes they will be shown preparing a meal for the kids, vacuuming or doing laundry without the washing machine breaking down and belching suds everywhere.

New rule: On the pop culture commentary shows on VH1, the participants must be divided equally by gender. No more four males being quippy to every one woman.

New Rule: Revolting physical conditions are not to be represented by prancing animated characters in television commercials. This applies to toenail fungus and balls of snot in particular.

Sorry, Cobalt Stargazer already covered this one!