They haunt late-night and mid-afternoon TV, way up in the three-digit high country of the cable grid. They take many forms.

Evocative calls to action, adventure, the romance of the open road:

"Drive the Big Rigs!"

Paeans to the heady intellectual rewards of higher education:

"RETS Electronic School: Get Connected!"

Testimonials that offer unintended and vaguely unsettling peeks into lives of quiet despair:

"And now I'm an in-demand Heating and Cooling Repair Technician, and my family couldn't be prouder!" [My ex says I might get to see the kids again.]

Pandering, smarmy appeals to your inflated sense of self:

"Why are you just sitting there PLAYING video games? You should be DESIGNING them!"

They are alike in one signicant way: They suck. With great thoroughness and vigor. They are cheaply made, poorly written, and cast with the director's nephews.

There's probably a decent Freakonomics-esque essay that could be dug out of these things. Tracking how the training offered in these ads reflects ongoing socioeconomic changes. In the 70s it was all about being a trucker or a Barbizon model. Now it's all "Train for an exciting career in immigration policy enforcement," and "Say, dude, isn't it rad how we're super-cool expert video game designers of awesome games that rock and are phat?"

There's one of these in heavy rotation on G4. Two guys are sitting on a couch playing what seems to be, for some reason, an A-Ha video, when the game's lead character turns to them and tells them they deserve to be making video games. The dreadful "animation" of the game is fascinating in its early-80's public-access-quality chromakey wizardry.

I lurch for the remote, each and every time, so completely does it suck.

I had to crack up last night, watching an ad that opens on the body of a man lying on a pavement, then pulls back to show two policepeople sort of standing there. Anyway, the voiceover says, "Looking for an exciting career?" I was waiting for him to say, "Make big money posing for chalk outlines!" (But no, the ad was for an "exciting career in law enforcement.")

Hee! "Be a corpse...or just look like one!"

Another thing I've wondered about the "exciting careers in law enforcement" you can train for -- doesn't it pretty much come down to "prison guard"? I'm a little dubious that these careerschool/ mailorder degrees are really attractive to any actual law enforcement agencies.

How about those ads for earning your degree at home? Are they really worth anything?

Up to a point. Some of them, like the University of Phoenix, are actually accredited, so their coursework is acceptable for transfer and their degrees will be considered valid for further study at a more, um, "traditional" institute of higher learning.

But other ones, well, Caveat Emptor, as the Romans used to say (ie. Let the Buyer, or Student in this case, Beware). Those like "West Coast Institute of Technology," located above Slappy Jim's House of Fish and Chips and Auto Repair, well, don't expect those credits to transfer to Harvard.

Also, is there anyone else who has noticed how many "secretarial" schools there are out there? With so many, there is no excuse for anyone to be sitting at home and watching Maury Povich.

Note: As per Google, there is no actual West Coast Institute of Technology, so hopefully no lawyer will be sending me a nasty letter any time soon. Slappy Jim's, though, well ----

There is also a lot of medical assisting schools and paralegal schools.

One thing I noticed about the trade schools is that they say you won't take courses you'll never need in real life.

I think it's more like "mall cop".

The ITT Tech ads crack me up. The stilted speeches they make these poor dudes read -- "My children and she" makes me giggle everytime. And the ex-military guy throwing down the casual "whom". Hee.

Is it wrong that it bugs me that the same woman is both a fake fashion design student and a fake culinary student at the same school? Pick a major, damnit.

That's the kind of thing that really bugs me, because I feel like they are just taking advantage of people's naivete. All our paralegals have degrees from actual colleges (i.e. not mail-order!) and we're not exactly a high-powered Wall Street firm or anything. I doubt that a mail-order paralegal certificate will get you too far in the job hunt.

Some of the other things you can get mail-order degrees in crack me up! Dog grooming! Interior Design! Home Day Care! (Of course the big question with dog grooming...do they send you the dog via UPS, then you groom it and send it back for a grade?)


Maybe she's a double major? Heh.

I like those lists they give you of "degrees" you can choose from. There's always something bizarre sitting in the middle: auto mechanic, accountant, hit man, plumber, computer technician...



Hee! I sure as hell won't be going there for an oil change. Or a fish fry.

Word! There is one where the guy who is obviously uncomfortable talking on camera says that "with hard work I started my family. My wife doesn't have to work. I had one child and there's another on the way." Cut to the family sitting around watching an utrasound video, cut to the guy at his workplace showing a still from the video to his coworkers. I always wonder what the coworkers are thinking. Something like "oh crap, he comes Billy with his
fetus picture AGAIN! Do I HAVE to see a new one EVERY week? How long before we outsource his IT job and he winds up at Best Buy?" I also imagine his wife. "Crap, stuck in the house with Billy Jr again! At least I don't have to work, those shifts at The Golden Banana were rough being pregnant. Billy seems happy with the baby, I hope it's his."

ETA
Just saw this one, same company. "I went to a traditional college but that wasn't for me. I wound up making hamburgers across the street...One night I saw an ad and thought 'maybe I should see what I can do there'" I always picture some guys laying around a frathouse at 2 am surrounded by empty pizza boxes and bathed in bong water. "Dude, you should totally try this place! You can hook us up with video games!"

Yeah, that's always made me go "WTF?" myself. If a program is going to train you for, say, child day care, you'd think it would offer a chance to, umm, work with actual kids...

What I always find interesting about these commercials are the shows they choose for advertising. I mean, what demographics are the ad sales people pushing? "Hey, all our viewers are unemployed and stupid. Advertise with us!" Am I supposed to feel superior that I actually have a degree and a decent-paying full-time job, or is it supposed to shame me that I, with a degree and a job, am watching the same shows as a jobless 45-year-old guy living in his mother's basement?
Ha! Little do they know that I have no shame!

I also love the cheery gal that always comes on after the ad to close the deal: "Hi! I'm Donna!....."

I love how "Donna" and her counterparts are so upbeat, perky, and are neatly dressed and groomed. Those people are definitely from Another Planet.

OK, I'm not quite sure if this ad belongs here, but it definitely belongs somewhere where it can be mocked & derided, and this seems to be the closest fit. (My other choice would be the "Local, Low Budget commercials" thread, but although this add is way more cheap & amateurish than that of any local Bumblefuck, North Dakota furniture store, I don't think it's actually a "local" ad).

It's not quite an ad to earn a mail order degree, but rather for a "How To Get Rich By Quitting Your Job And Being Your Own Boss" instructional book & CD. The ad begins with an employee confronting his boss, who's sitting behind his desk (we know it's the boss because he has a big plaque on the desk that says "BOSS") The ad is unbelievably cheap: it looks, sounds and is lit like it was filmed in someone's garage. The employee, who I think is either supposed to be a dumb guy or suffering from a brain injury, is telling the boss "You can take this job and-", but the boss assholeishly cuts him off with "Yeah yeah yeah, take this job & shove it. So, you're quitting huh?"

Employee (dumbly): "Durrrr..., yup, I'm going to be my own boss!"

Boss (assholeishly): "What do you know about being your own boss? Do you know how to write a business plan? get start up money? plan a budget?"

Employee: "Duhhhhh...,"

At this point, the Boss inexplicably switches from being an angry prick to being wildly enthusiastic & helpful for no reason as he holds up a book & CD & says "You gotta get Bill Can'tbebotheredtorememberhisname's new book & CD, 'How To Be Your Own Boss', (yada yada yada) ...Do you wanna get rich, Bob?"

Employee (still dumb): "Durrrr...., Yeah, sure!"

At this point, the ad mercifully cuts to the guy who is apparently the author of this astounding plan for success, as he says "Thanks guys", and starts to tell us how we can order his magic formula for self-employeed success in..., uh, some field or other. All I can ever think of when they get to that point in the ad is: "Thanks Guys"? Yeah, thanks for destroying any tiny semblance of credibility I may have had with that utterly craptastic little skit."

I love this thread! I'm a stay at home mom (with a Master's degree) and every time I watch afternoon TV, I cannot get away from these commercials. Seriously, how many massage therapy schools does the world need? Is there really that great of demand for these skills (I'd actually like to know, if anyone can enlighten me)?

There's one commercial I haven't seen for a while but there was a perky 20-something who says (paraphrased): "You're not like other people. You think differently and need a job that's challenging." I just found that so insulting. Like the only people in the world who want to be challenged are graphic artists (and again, can you really get a job in graphic design after attending these schools?)

Love this thread!

And then there's the remedial version: "What's a graphic artist?" "What does a graphic artist do?" If they're puzzled by the first question, do you really want them in your class? It's not a terribly mysterious job title, like phlebotomist. Speaking of which, I love the ad that suggests if you want to get into medicine, but are afraid of blood, you should get into the exciting field of medical billing. Yeah, no one's going to be disappointed with that career suggestion.

I believe that many these schools operate to: 1) lure students; 2) "assist" the students in applying for student loans that are paid directly to the school; and 3) collect that money. Whether they actually provide any useful education or training, I don't know.

The ones for paralegal training are particularly irksome to me, because I know for sure that in most of the paralegal programs that are not part of community college systems or some other accredited kind of school, they really work the prospective students by giving them wildly unrealistic expecations of the jobs they'll be able to get and amount of money they'll be able to earn with their "degrees." As a law office manager, I have seen many resumes and cover letters from students of these crap schools that are pathetically poorly written. They often have no experience that offers any foundation for working in an office, yet they expect to start out as a litigation paralegal (and think that means that they spend all their time doing legal research), not a file clerk or assistant to the legal assistant. I usually just throw the resumes away. So on the rare occasions that I am at home on weekdays and see these ads, they make me yell bad words at the TV.

The same goes for those computer programming schools that promise you a high paying job just like that. Many will find that they won't get hired unless they have a degree or on the job experience.

Since these ads are usually sandwiched between ads for lawyers who want to help you make the other guy pay, I would guess the target demo is professional litigants who are looking for some side work in between lawsuits.

Hmmm, actually, is "Professional Litigant" on that small-print list of degrees?

Grief, don't give those people any more ideas. It'll be listed quicker than a wink.

And sometimes these things are so low budget and I'm sure the school/college doesn't even check the ad before it plays on the TV. I saw one the other day, and it totally threw me. It was advertising a legal assistant program. They had still pictures of people in an office (check), with legal books (check), wearing excellent clothes (check). And the in the background was a flag...of like, Jamaica.

Dude, I'm living in North America, and just a newsflash...your colleges are in North America.

What do I want with a legal assistant diploma in Jamaican law?

And if you didn't see that the flag didn't represent the country you're operating in, I want to go to your school...WHY?

Hey, make great money...and live in the tropics!

Actinolite

Don't think that didn't cross my mind!

With my luck though, they'd never hire me, because a North American diploma wouldn't be accepted.

And that's another thing about these colleges. Who accepts the documents as credible?

My guess would be practically nobody.

I'm partial to the one for medical assisting classes. Two young women are chatting and the surly one comments, "Mom says there's no money for college." The other, wearing some kind of medical attire, chirps that she should "do what I did" and get a degree in medical assisting.

Surly Girl cheers up so quickly, you'd think she'd just gotten a full scholarship to Yale. If being a physician's assistant was what she wanted to do, why did she give a damn about a different kind of college in the first place? And if not, if she always wanted to be, say, an engineer, how is this an adequate substitute?

I've seen those! I always say what if you don't want to be a medical assistant? Or what if you suck at it? That's just a waste of time.

Thanks, Blue Owl. I was also thinking of the utter cheapassitude of the "Quit Your Job and Be Your Own Boss" commercial you mentioned when I started this thread, but it slipped my mind.

Seems like a classic example of good pitch meeting, terrible execution. "We'll do this sort of 'The Office' thing the kids love -- all deadpan and absurd! It'll be great!"

But the client isn't down with the deadpan, so they re-write it to "make it bigger." The budget precludes even dinner theater actors. "Let's get Stan from Accounting -- he's a real cut-up -- and that new kid in Editorial!"

The result feels like a skit performed at a regional sales meeting in Hell.

There's another one, with two ex-coworkers meeting at a dry cleaners. "What happened to you?" "I left and got my degree! [And have joined the ranks of your betters! Must dash! Give my regards to all those of your lowly ilk!]"

Even though I find these commercials amusing because they're just so poorly done and ridiculous (you, too, can train at home to be an administrative assistant, repair guns, groom dogs, and become a ninja). But the sad thing is that there are people who are giving these programs good money in the hopes of someday earning big bucks in 'challenging new field'. The truth of it is that, at the most, you'll end up in a very poorly paid, entry level position and owe the 'school' most of your paycheck.

When I worked at DSS, I used to see lots of young women who were the target audience for these ads. These were women with limited education, no money, a couple of kids, and who needed to get into a job program stat or lose their benefits. Guess how many came in talking about signing up for a program they heard about on TV so they could become nursing assistants (this was prior to the upswing in the medical office assistant market). Guess how many of those same women 'graduated' only to find out that they couldn't pass the certification test.

That said, when I was younger, I totally wanted to be a truck driver because of the commercials that used to come on during the People's Court. Considering I have a hard time parking a Dodge Neon, I can even imagine how I'd handle a big rig.

And never say prison guard. It's 'correctional officer'.

Absolutely - especially the current one aimed at young men who play video games. Yeah, I'm sure that many of those guys have ideas about what might make a good game. But actually "designing" a video game takes a whole lot more skill than most people possess - including math, computer programming, graphic art.


"Instead of Playing video games you could be designing them" is the same as telling a guy playing air guitar in his room along with his stereo that he could be a rockstar.

Maybe that's next - The Institute of Rock. Instead of listening to music you could be performing! In just 6 months we'll train you to get a job as a rock musician. Learn at home, and you can earn a certificate!

It makes me sad to watch these... because there are people watching these with untapped skills, who could make a good contribution and feel fulfilled in some profession. But it's not going to happen by way of these ads or "schools." In effect, it's not going to happen for them.

Well, actually, no, because with Rock that *is* kind of the way it usually goes. Kid starts air guitaring along to his favorite records, buys (or steals) a real instrument of some sort & tries to follow along, maybe takes some rudimentary lessons, a bunch of them get together in a garage, they manage to get a few gigs still not really knowing how to play, and they basically learn on the job. One of the strengths of Rock & Roll is that while being a master musician can help, it's by no means a necessity. None of the Beatles were virtuoso musicians, and they never had any formal training beyond maybe a couple of lessons from an aunt or something, they just started playing along with skiffle records & imported American Rock & Roll 45s. Same with the Rolling Stones, who got to be the #2 band in England before they could even write a song, strictly by covering American R&B numbers. Even bands with no real talent whatsoever will occasionally stumble onto a catchy chord sequence and be lucky enough to have it turn into a one hit wonder.

I know! It really is heart-breaking. I used to work at an immigrant education/advocacy organization, and I saw this same thing over and over again.

When I lived in Minneapolis, I saw an article about a group of young women sued one of these schools and won. I'm trying to find the article but can't remember any of the names or key word unfortunately.

Also when I lived in Minneapolis, I used to see these ads for a video game program, with this seriously awesome chick in them. She sorta resembled Corey Haim/Feldman and she had a really scrunchy face. She'd express excitement by getting all squinty. She had wacky hair and I guess she was supposed to be sassy. I just spent, like, five minutes trying to duplicate her line delivery in typed form, but I can't figure it out. But she'd drag out certain letters and put the emphasis on the wrong phrases and throw the word "cool!!!" around. I really miss her.

I've been seeing that ad here in DC, Poor Grace. And yes, she's freakish in a palpable way: the mirror universe Tina Yothers. Get off my TV, Fetish Wear Tina Yothers!

I love the lead-in. Two dumpy guys sitting on the couch, playing video games.
Dumpy Guy #1: "So what if we introduced this monster on THIS level?"
Dumpy Guy #2: "Yeah! Yeah! That just might work!"

I used to watch the afternoon broadcasts of X-Play on G4 whenever I'd go home at lunch to walk the dog. But I started to feel these commercials wearing away at my soul, leaching life and color and goodness from the world.

So, you know, I wait for the evening episodes. Same show, same network, different time. They still show these commercials, they just aren't quite as thick on the ground. Plus, in the evening, there's always a Simpsons rerun you can escape to, somewhere.

I love the technical school ads that boast things like "and 85% of our graduates find jobs!" First they don't say they're jobs in the fields they trained for, and second, that means 15% didn't find jobs. That's higher than the average unemployment rate.

My other favorite is the one where the guy says he's now an "electronic technician" which makes me think the school turned him into a robot.

After taking some basic computer programming classes in high school I went to university with the plan of becoming a computer programmer (it was the mid-90s and the dot.com bubble was just starting to inflate) only to discover that it.is.so.boring. The first course I took we spent 3 months on arrays.

Anyway, it turns out I’m much better at Chemistry. One word. Plastics. That’s the future.

There was one local “compu college” in my area that was actually very successful in the late 90s, basically guaranteeing people $40,000 starting salaries (I know a couple of people that took the program and actual found work afterward with the promised starting salaries). Unfortunately the school specialized in only a couple of very specific programs (some sort of database or network management, I think) and when demand for the skills vanished suddenly a few years ago, the school went bankrupt within a year. The same school is back, but now they offer the standard ‘business school’ courses.

But wait - don't want to learn an instrument? We have many certificate programs to choose from. You can learn to be a roadie, a "pyro guy", backup singer, background dancer, or even a video ho. Enroll in our 9 month program and you'll recieve a stack of old albums and 45s --- you can be as annoying as Kanye West in no time!

Is Atlanta the world capital for these television-advertised colleges, or is it just because TBS is based there?
It seems almost every commercial I see for these is from GA.

I think they're national swindlers. I noticed that in at least three television markets (Atlanta, Mobile and Tampa), the same guy does commercials for "Remington College" (used to be called "Virginia College"), and they make it sound like they're in real time "We're just joining you during (insert tacky ass talk or judge show here) to tell you about Remington College!" It's the same fortyish guy in every ad. It's like he went through a marathon taping session and just substituted TV shows and city names with the same shill. Meh.

Pharmacy assistant is the job of a lifetime. You either push pills across a little tray, or you hold up a beaker and gaze at it.

I've got a BA, but I've always secretly thought that I could save a ton of money by training for heating & plumbing/auto repair/ninja warrioring at "West Coast Tech" instead of getting ripped off by shady repair people because I'm female.

They're here, too, shilling for 'Virginia College at Austin.'

I think the recent Army ads fit into this genera as well. It seems like all the ads for cut-rate colleges and the military ads appeal to the same people -- sorta young people with some untapped talent, but listless, drifting, and aimless. Looking for something to do with their lives. Just like the 'college' ads promise top jobs with mail order degrees, the military promises the world (top notch training and job experience once you get out) without mentioning the palpable negatives of the military. So you're into music? You can be in the Marine Corp Band -- you'll be the next John Phillip Sousa! (but read the fine print: all the gigs are in Kabul and Bahgdad.) It all seems very exploitative to me.

Have any of you seen the ad for the school (it's a web site) at which you can learn how to become rich by makign your own viral videos--like of a cat sitting on a toilet, uploaded to YouTube--and then an African American guy says, "and now they're playing it on TV. I'm rich!" I swear it. I've only seen the commercial when I'm alone, and it's so shameless and weird and kind of unbelievable that I'm beginning to think I'm hallucinating it.

When I started taking my masters in computer science, half of the class wanted to work with games. Until then the world had told us how cool and great that was, like it was the reason you started out with computer science in the first place. Then we heard one horror story after another about the treatment of game programmers, what a horrible work environment it was and so on. These days people want to work with databases instead, because there’s where you can make money without horrible suffering ;)

Here in Minnesota, we have these stupid Globe College commercials..... this is the one that annoys me the most:

A young college student is sitting on the floor surrounded by PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!! Throughout the ad, she talks about going to Globe College to "do what you love" and "work with animals" by becoming a veterinary technician.

The thing I hate about this ad is that they make it look like all you do as a vet tech is play with PUPPIES!!!!!!! all day long. There is a lot more that goes into it than that, Globe College. I keep picturing all these kids going to Globe College so they can play with puppies all day. I even had a friend comment about it when the commercial came on one day:

"So, all you do is play with puppies all day? That looks like fun."
"Um, NO!"

Ugh, it's the worst when the commercial actually seems to be disparaging your own career and life choices. In Michigan, we have the ITT Tech commercials--there's one with this guy who explains that he graduated with a degree in "poetry" but couldn't find a job (that wasn't in the want-ads????) and so went back to school to get a degree in high tech! computer! engineering! and he's "never felt so inspired". (The last shot is of him scribbling in a little notebook, writing the poetry that has sprung to life within him since obtaining this degree.)

I was an English major, and I am offended that this school purports to say that I can't be fulfilled by something unless it earns me a living. When this guy sits in his cube under the buzzing fluorescent lights and gets chewed out by one of his six managers all day long, is he really thinking, "This is so much better than when I just wrote poetry all day"? Can't these places just be honest? "Earn our degree. Your job will suck, but you won't starve or anything."

There's one other one where the spokesman is a young African-American fellow, who is aggressively "street". I can't imagine a lot of the unemployed young thugs this commercial obviously hopes to reach are watching The Price is Right on a Wednesday morning, but whatever.

Yeah, really. I wish they would say, "Even when you earn our piddling certificates, companies will still want on the job experience or an associates degree ."

There's an ad in our area for Bryant and Stratton College(a legitimate, accredited institution)that has the young medical assistant explicitly saying, "I needed my degree-not a certificate."

Forgive me if this is a bit OT, but am I the only one who, after one of the commercials that starts with someone saying, "Mom says there's no money for college" comes on, shouts at the TV, "Well, have you ever heard of student loans/grants/working your way through?"

Edited for clarity and to close quotes.

We have those commercials in our area, too. And, I, too, SCREAM at that girl to get a damn job or maybe apply for a FAFSA to get money for college. My parents never saved any money for my college education, but I got loans and worked my way through. I'm sorry, but "My mommy can't pay my tuition" is the lamest excuse for not going to college.

That commercial used to make me crazy.. Not only was there no word about financial aid, but the girl was going to go to some proprietary school. Idiot. Those schools generally cost the same amount as the federal student loan yearly limit. Interesting...
Anyone in that situation would be better served by going to community college for next to nothing, maybe even for free if she's really destitute. But why do that when you can be in debt for years? Arrghh!