I wrote this earlier the summer... thought it might be appreciated.
***************************************************
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
If you are a regular watcher of
CSI, chances are extremely high that you will come in contact with
WPHS, a dangerous and contagious brain virus that has so far infected most CBS watchers with its dreaded symptoms. T.R. Knight (Dr. George O'Malley of
Grey's Anatomy) is a known carrier, as is Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor of
Smallville). Others are too, although you may not realize it. Only by being aware of the nature of the disease and its carriers can one hope to escape from its insidious clutches.
WPHS (full name: William Petersen Hottness Syndrome, after its original carrier) causes a 180-degree turnaround in the mind's perception of a particular individual; it starts with abject rejection, gradually progresses through stages of likeability and then sexual attraction, and finally culminates in utter abandonment of reason and shameless adoration of the carrier. It spreads slowly at first, but rapidly increases in both severity and frequency until the victim is terminal.
There are 8 recognizable stages, outlined as below:
1.) Victim is not aware of virus as of yet, although it is entering the body and affecting the brain, specifically the areas containing perception and sexual attraction. Example of symptoms: "I haven't been watching long, but I really don't get the Grissom love."
2.) Victim officially maintains distaste of carrier, but to the trained observer, the onset of Mentionitis belies this position and shows subtle and insidious invasion caused by WPHS. Example of symptoms: "I can't believe all the attention that Grissom gets here! What the hell do you all see in him? He's a complete weirdo! And he looks like a total
freak with/without that beard!"
3.) Rabid dislike of carrier becomes tempered with an grudging acknowledgment that an alternate point of view is in existence. Example of symptoms: "Grissom is still kind of a strange bird... but I guess he's not so bad."
4.) Slow but persistent, WPHS's invasion of the brain ensures that recent likeability of TV character carries over to mild defense of that character when disparaged; in addition, victim is less reluctant to admit some hottness in carrier's real-life personality. Example of symptoms: "Okay, Grissom might be a
little odd, but I'll admit that he's got his good points. I still don't think William Petersen is all that hot, but I can see where others do."
5.) Accidental contact with the carrier outside his/her normal environment provides permanent pathway for hottness to impose itself upon the brain. Victim's perceptions and other brain functions become severly compromised at this point; defense of carrier to detractors becomes more serious and intense in scope. Example of symptoms: "Look, I know that some people don't really like Gil Grissom, but IMHO he's the one that makes the show. And you know, looks-wise, he's really not so bad. I was surfing IMDB looking for pictures, and I found one of William Petersen with/without a beard, and wow, he looks so much better-looking than he does without/with it! I wonder why they don't make him grow it out/shave it off on the show?"
6.) Its increasingly rapid onslaught finally alerts the victim that WPHS is insidiously spreading throughout the entire neural system. The effects of this are regularly and frequently showcased through normal conversation, often to the consternation of family and friends. As well, victim often feels an now-raging desire to defend carrier from all naysayers. Example of symptoms: "What do you mean, he's a weirdo? Don't you even
watch the show, ya freak?!! Gil Grissom is the smartest, most interesting man on television! I don't care if he wears the damn beard or not; Billy Petersen is really growing on me!"
7.) Victim surrenders completely to the onset of the disease. Example of symptom: "Ok, it's official: I've bought my ticket and am riding the Billy P
lluuuuuurrrvvee train!!"
NOTE: Disease is terminal at this point. Family and friends must endure the constant mentioning of carrier's name, the sudden influx of any and all paraphenalia connected to carrier in even the tiniest of ways (movies, TV, magazines, eerily shaped potato chips, underwear off e-Bay, illegal downloads of naked-penis pictures), and the inevitable picking up of papers doodled with inane expressions like "Billy P and Miss Dee
4EVA!" all over one's living space. No cure is currently in existence, although people intimately associated with the victim have been known to overthrow all pretenses of pursuing economic wealth and/or fulfulling personal relationships to pursue a fruitless career in WPHS research in a desperate attempt to save their loved ones.
8.) Victim is tragically lost due to the onset of severe spasms of lust. Typical demise occurs along the lines of running wildly throughout one's home/school/workplace screaming "OOOOOMIGOD!! BILLY IS TEH HOTTNESS!!!
AAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" All mental reasoning is now severly incapacitated, and sensible conversation with the victim is impossible from this point on.
This announcement is meant to enlighten you regarding WPHS's insidious nature and intent. If you or anyone you know are infected with William Petersen Hottness Syndrome, from this or any other carrier, please inform others as to the cause and progression of your infection. If we are aware of all the carriers in our society, we may be able to prevent the further spreading of this insidious disease.
No, seriously - it's insidious.
written by Miss Dee for CSI Files on July 28, 2006