I was thinking about how I would explain a certain episode to a friend, and it occurred to me that this might be fun, with the weird stories this show always had. So here's the thing: you synopsize an episode in just a few sentences. Such as:

Roadrunners: A banana slug that likes to pass itself off as Jesus gets into Scully's spine.

Good idea!

Badlaa: An oompa loompa (Deep Roy) crawls inside people's butts, resulting in Scully shooting what appears to be a child after which she cries because she's not spooky enough.

The UnNatural: Jesse L. Martin guest stars as an alien baseball-player hiding his exceptional talent in the 1940s-era Negro Leagues. His love of baseball eventually makes him human in this very special episode written and directed by David Duchovny.

Now now, we all know that 90 percent of XF episodes can be TVG-capsuled thusly:

Mulder and Scully investigate a series of murders in a small town.

You left out - "unexplained" and "linked to the paranormal."

Ah, you're right. Mulder and Scully investigate a series of unexplained murders in a small town, then.

How about: "With Agent Mulder presumed dead, Agent Scully is drawn deeper into the conspiracy on the season finale of The X-Files."

Humbug: The creepy midget from Twin Peaks is the least weird guy here.

Bad Blood: Mulder and Scully head to Texas to combat an outbreak of vampirism.

I think I'd finish that one up with, "Hilarity ensues."

With sexy results.

Wetwired: Every important and semi-important character shows up in this episode where Scully becomes even more paranoid than Mulder.

Never Again: Scully ,mad at Mulder, hooks up with some guy who ultimately tries to kill her "his tattoo made him do it."

William: Scully decides to give up the miracle love child because Chris Carter loves to mess with the minds of the viewers.

A description that would also apply to many episodes: Mulder must save Scully for imminent danger.

Herrenvolk: Tonight, Mulder discovers clones working with bees on a ginseng farm, then douses himself in petrol.

Okay, guess this one:

X/Matheson/Pendrell/Gunmen
Mulder loses trench coat, cell phone, gun;
What do you want for $29.95?

Nisei?

or 731?

How about: On the brink of death scully writes love letters while mulder pockets her ova.

Ah Memento Mori, how I love you!

How about this?

Scully smokes cigarettes while Mulder plays the Horny Beast for a local police officer.

Syzygy! Hee hee. Cigarette Smokin' Scully

okay: Mulder tries to cash his paycheck without getting blown up.

Monday, Good Lord I LOVE that episode. DD looked mighty fine in it.

Wait... why was Scully smoking?

K, here's one: Mulder & Scully get stuck in the woods with something that has been awaken from the bark ancient trees.

darkness falls.

Scully smokes in syzygy because the whole episode is about people acting out of character. The weird thing was she looked so wrong doing it but at that time GA smoked.

How about: Reyes gets stuck in a dolls house with 2 old men.

Reyes with Dogget and Skinner in Doggett's House of Love?

I'm thinking it's actually Audrey Pauley though.

Here's another one. (Note found at the scene of a murder) "Fox can't guard the chicken coop."


ETA: When I first read Member's post, I thought of Detour. Good description!

kitsenugari (sp?)

how about: Scully and mulder are attacked by kittens when investigation a guy drinking yellow goo

Teso Dos Bichoes ?

Agents Doggett & Reyes stumble upon a case that involves a man who uses telekinesis to fill out his Brady Bunch fantasies.


Edit: Wait, wasn't HamsYoung at Heart?

yeah sorry youre correct...I bow to youre greater knowledge :)

Yours is sunshine days.

How about: scully and reyes fall victim because of there hair colours, good thing god is around to play checkers with them.

Sunshine Days makes me want to curl into a fetal position and cry. Crack smoking writers...

Improbable cracks me up though. Burt Reynolds as the happy, lip synching, checkers playing God was great.

Couldn't you say that about each episode in Season 9?

k, TV cameras follow Agents Mulder & Scully as they try to solve a case with local law enforcement.

X-Cops

Mulder and Doggett head out to an oil rig to investigate the Black Oil. Hottness overload follows.

Vienen

Scully finds herself attracted to Mulder's neighbor.

Easy - Milagro.

Mulder and Scully are on their way to build a tower of furniture.

Detour

Scully is tricked to help out the Lone Gunmen

Three of a Kind

Mulder travels to an observatory in Puerto Rico and demonstrates his extensive knowledge of the Spanish language.

Little Green Men

Krychek attempts to take a piss before being punched out by a lady in the wrong airport bathroom.

(Eh, not really a plot summary, but definitely my favourite part of the episode.)

Piper Maru

Scully has a very unpleasant trip to the dentist.

Unruhe. Mulder shuts up for once and lets Scully save him from a pigmentally challenged man.

Teliko

Mulder and Scully confront the vanities and evils of plastic surgery.

Sanguinarium
It's pretty easy, so I'll just put a quote: "Even that yogurt thing? That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it's good to know you haven't changed. That's somewhat comforting." - Fav line in the episode.

One of the Dreamlands...I'm guessing it's the second part.

scully attempts to take a vacation while mulder "sharpens" his skills in the office.

Chinga

Nothing to see here--this episode dare not speaketh its name, it never happened so don't worry... la la la la!

Anything after Requiem?

I was aiming for Closure, but yeah, that totally works.

My favorite real-life X-Files description I got from the t.v. listings that come in the newspaper--that huge grid with teeny-tiny boxes for the episode synopses? Under whatever episode it was, the listing read simply "Conspiracy." Yeah, that about sums it up.

I totally thought you meant "Jump the Shark", Slip.

Is there a new summary? If not...

Freaky mutants. Baseball. It's wonderful...wonderful!

The Unnatural.

Man able to regenerate needs something Scully has.

It's not The Unnatural, but that's close.

Oh oh, it's "Home".

And Misirlou's is "Leonard Betts".

Okay, this one is hopefully an easy one: It's all about the bubble baths.

"Hollywood A.D."

Mulder swears it wasn't a girly scream.