I know we don't have much time left until PH day, but I thought this might be fun to try. The idea is you come up with headlines or articles for the Bay Mirror. I'll start:

Number of patients in SF area mental institution up 300% from ten years ago: Authorities have no clue why

Police search goes on for missing husband of local area club owner
The husband of the owner of P3, a local club which has been on the outs lately, has been missing since November 27. The case was reported by the preschool teacher of the man's son. Police have very few leads, however sources say this is far from an isolated incident, the man has been known to go missing for months at a time before. This time, however, sources say the police are beginning to wonder if this is more than just a missing persons incident as they begin to investigate the man's wife. "[the wife] has been completely unco-operative in our investigation, often doing whatever she can to hold it up." Hopefully this isn't all a ploy to up the popularity of her club.

Sounds like fun. I'll try:

The Bay Mirror, March 6th, 2006, morning edition
Local club makes millions
P3, the hottest club in heterosexual San Francisco, continues to drag in thousands of customers each day. Insiders attribute it to local club impresario Piper Halliwell. Barkeepers across California are standing in line to work for her, if only for a week, and her marvelous strategy to find every hot ovary on this planet to play a gig in her etablissement speaks for itself. However, this woman is not only one of the most successful businesswomen in the city, she's also the mother of two adorable little toddlers, raised by her charming husband, who doesn't mind having a carreer at home. Read all about Piper's secret of success in an exclusive interview on Page 6.


The Bay Mirror, March 6th, 2006, afternoon edition
Local club at the verge of bancruptcy
We saw it coming. P3, one of the local spelunks trying to attract yuppies like every other mediocre club did before him, is failing miserably. Much of this failure is attributed to club owner Piper Halliwell, her politics of hiring barkeepers only for a week, and her mismanaging regarding gigs. P3 is ice cold, no real band wants to play on their stage anymore, and it's no wonder. What we are wondering about, actually, is the suspicious absence of her husband, who was probably fed up with her, and what effect this might have on her neglected two sons (one of our sources confirmed they are quite often forgotten at their local daycare facility). One might suspect they grow up to be exceedingly neurotic or downright mad. Read all about this shocking failure of a human existence in an exclusive interview on Page 6.

Where is Jamie Bennett?
The popular San Francisco club known as P3 has been a hot spot for music, controlled alcohol consumption and recently, speed dating. When local club impresario Piper Halliwell, 33, and her sisters Phoebe, 30, and Paige Matthews, 28, were placed under protection by Homeland Security for having witnessed terrorist activity in October 2005, their cousin Jamie Bennett made speed dating popular again at the reknowned club. However, just after receiving an interview, Ms. Bennett mysteriously vanished from the scene. Local authorities have interrogated the sisters about these circumstances but have to get any leads on Bennett's disappearance three months ago, nor on her two missing cousins Julie and Josephine.

Strange Rumblings Heard From Local Mausoleum
San Francisco, CA--
Strange moaning and churning sounds were heard coming from one of the caskets inside a mausoleum at Memorial Cemetary last night. The marble face plate of the casket from which the rumblings were heard belongs to one Prudence Halliwell. "I was sweeping up the foyer after visiting hours ending last night, when I heard this low, dull moaning and what sounded like intermittent thumping. It was almost like a knocking. Like someone was in there. It was creepy. I called to my buddy Charlie, to see if I was going crazy, but when he came, the noise suddenly stopped. "

Attempts to contact the decedent's family were unsuccessful, since the family was attending sister Phoebe Halliwell's wedding to a man who bears a striking resemblance to former Assistant District Attorney Cole Turner, wanted for questioning by his office about the mysterious and brutal death of his former landlord, Mrs. Owens. The story is stranger since Turner had a strained, even disagreeable relationship with the decendent.

About the deceased:

Neighbors Complain About Wild Parties

In the Russian Square Neighborhood Just South of the Presidio, residents are issuing complaints to the Loneliest Precinct in the World regarding what have been known to be wild parties at 1329 Prescott Street owned by Piper and Phoebe Halliwell, which have been going on for the last century. However, it has become highly disruptive to neighbors and the number of complaints regarding the Halliwell family has become the largest that the Loneliest Precinct in the World has received since 1924 when the manor was rumored to be a speakeasy during the Prohibition.

Notable disturbances include: a party held in September 2001, where coincidentally, Prudence Halliwell and Dr. Griffiths were both murdered at approximately 6:25 AM; a wild piano party in April 2002; and a party held in August 2003 at which the neighbors complained directly to the Halliwells but for whatever reason, ignored these phone calls.

Lottery won before numbers are even drawn
On February 12, an unprecedented phenomena occurred. Local area parole officer, Henry (does anyone know his last name?) won the California Powerball before the day's numbers had even been drawn. The lottery had been won and claimed the day before, so his winnings only totalled to $10,000, however authorities are investigating how this occurrence was possible. Fears have been voiced by regular lottery players that whoever facilitated this might once again do so, waiting this time until the jackpot is in the millions. When asked if they saw anything suspicious that day, lottery employees made note of a vertically challenged middle aged man in a green suit holding a "funny stick". The police have been circulating a complied sketch of the suspect, but report it has mostly been met with laughs and offers by people to turn in their boxes of Lucky Charms ™.

ETA: That's so cool that it made my ™ small like that!

How Many Rooms?

An aging Manor House located on Prescott Street has baffled local estate agents with it's ever-changing interior. On separate appraisals five top of their game real estate agents totalled varying numbers of bedrooms on the second floor, with the exact positioning of these differing as well! Not only this, but some even claimed the existence of a downstairs bathroom, a garage, a nursery, a closet and an attic. However none of these features ever appeared together at the same viewing. The charming owners of this house seemed oblivious of the strange goings on. The only comment we were able to get from any of them was from advice columnist Phoebe Halliwell, which cannot be printed for decency reasons. However all investigations into this phenomena have screeched to a halt as all leading authories refuse to step into the house after an encounter with the owners infant son.

MISSING GIRL'S SKELETAL REMAINS FOUND IN BACKYARD

Mystery is surrounding the discovery of a skeleton found in the backyard of a home in the center of San Francisco. The owners of the home, Mary-Jean and Jerry Roberts, unearthed the skeleton two days after moving into the house, located on Prescott Street. Police have since identified the body as teenager Jennifer Gordon who disappeared seven years ago. Detective Randall Myers, from the San Francisco PD, revealed in a press conference that Gordon suffered major blood loss after receiving a hit over the head with a shovel.

The Bay Mirror's very own advice columnist Phoebe Halliwell, who lived next door to the victim for three months in 1999, commented, "It's hardly surprising, she just vanished without a trace". She continued, "We loved talking about sex together and she was always stroking my pussy. Yep, Kit really missed her when she disappeared". The prime suspect in the murder is 32-year-old Dan Gordon, Jenny's uncle, who also disappeared several months after his niece's disappearance. Police are currently searching for him in Portland, Oregon, where he was last spotted.

Someone should do "Smelly Hippies Dance In City Fountain" or "Evidence Suggests Barry Bonds Kind Of Jerky."

Nightmares, paranoia and autism cases on the rise in local children

Accordign to our latest study, a large number of young children within the age range of 0 to 6 are experiencing chronic nightmares, while the number of autism cases are also on the rise. Those kids capable of speaking talk about a 4/5 year old blonde kid hurling objects at them and pushing them, without even touching them. The description of this supposed attacker, who, according to the kids, also scares them at nights, resembles the firstborn of local club impresario Piper Halliwell.

I think headlines like maxpower03's alone will keep me coming back to this thread.

Hee.

Chambermaid Found Crazed and Confused in Hotel Dies

Marisol Hughes was found dead last night in her home of an apparent suicide. Mrs. Hughes has been given psychiatric treatment for the past three years after authorities found her in a fetal position beside a hotel bed in San Francisco with the inscription "LA SANGRE" carved into her forearms. Sources say that she came into the room to clean the suite but when she came across the bed that was believed to be a site of sexual intercourse and found a large blood stain in the 340-thread-count sheets. Her daughter Isabel says, "It's a shame that [my] mother had to be exposed to something like. No living being deserves that sort of torment." Funeral services for Mrs. Hughes will be held on Saturday, March 11, 2006 near Masoleum's Masoleum.

"An Alien Must Have Taken My...Hand?!" True Confessions of a Former Hospital Orderly Uncovers Spate of Mystery Limb Amputations

A former San Francisco Memorial orderly has revealed exclusively to The Bay Mirror that he has no recollection of how his hand came to be amputated back in May 2004.
"I went to work with my hand still there, and come home with a stump where my hand used to be," explained the baffled and still heavily medicated hospital employee.
A Bay Mirror in-depth investigation has revealed that there are more than fifty people in the San Francisco area who have suffered a similar fate, and the same lapse in memory. Although not have all been hands, some have been feet or an entire leg or arm.
Upon receiving this news, the orderly exclaimed, "it has to be aliens. How else can you explain it?"
In an unrelated incident, a former Doctor at San Francisco Memorial was ordered today to pay undisclosed damages to a group of men whose wives had been left to bleed to death after giving birth in the hospital, also in May 2004. The doctor, whose name has been withheld, can no longer practice medicine anywhere in the United States and was taken back to prison where he is serving out his sentence on criminal charges of manslaughter for the same incident.

The hospital offered a stern "No Comment" when asked about both incidents.

Bodies Found in Maintenance Shed at Posh Condominiums

4 bodies were discovered by Mr Tom Gibson, a maintenance supervisor at De-Lovely Condominiums on Saturday morning. The bodies were wrapped in plastic sheeting and hidden behind lawnmowers in the shed.

Said Mr. Gibson, "I just went to get some of the lawnmowers tuned up for the season, and I saw a leg sticking out from behind one of the mulch bags."

All four bodies were identified as being prospective buyers on an open property on the 3rd floor. According to the real estate agent, all victims had made separate appointments to view the condo, but none showed. The property is currently occupied by Ms. Phoebe Halliwell, a local advice columnist known for giving controversial advice recommending murder and indiscriminate sex as solutions for many of life's problems.

Authorities are continuing the investigation.

I can only come up with headlines.

Artist dies in a freak accident, impaled by his own art

Unknown Substance closes down local Tabloid paper

The tabloid paper the Bay Mirror has been shut down indefinitely. The Department of Homeland Security and the Center for Communicable Diseases have received numerous complaints from staff regarding a sticky substance found in the Bay Mirror press room. Staff became alarmed when this unknown substance would seem to go from desk to desk with no discernable pattern.

Homeland Security Agent Brook Geman, said, “the government is taking this very seriously and since 911 all potential concerns will be investigated and anyone known to deliberately dispense any harmful substance will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law”.

Advice columnist Phoebe Halliwell who writes for the Bay Mirror said “That she often works late nights and has never seen anyone she is not intimately familiar with in the office.” The Bay Mirror has relocated to 192 S. Water Street until the authorities release their current office space.

Authorities are continuing the investigation.

I couldn't help but doing mine in this format.

The Bay Mirror, Issue One

If you can't read it, just tell me!

Heh. That was brilliant! You should put it in the Art thread.

Sports Hero Seeks Dream Gal

On the baseball diamond, Cal Greene has been a legend. Many will recall his record-setting grand-slam home run streak back in 1999. Yet the slugger still remains one of San Francisco's most eligible bachelors. Given how rarely he strikes out on the field, what is it that keeps Cal from being safe at home?

"I don't know," Greene admitted. "I guess I just haven't met the right girl yet. Someone who can make me feel like I'm walking on air, and yet get me so charged up it just about fries my brain at the same time. I tell ya, it practically kills me."

Greene also mentioned that he has written to The Bay Mirror's advice columnist Phoebe "Ask Phoebe" Halliwell, but has yet to hear back from her. "I'm still hoping, though" the big lug admits. "Heck, I remember reading that she went through a rough divorce a few years back, so maybe she's the one for me, herself. For all I know, she could be burning for me. Well, maybe in a few years."

(ps to sailorwind: I believe Henry's last name is "Mitchell".)

If A Man Named Chris Dies In A House, And Nobody Admits To Seeing It, Does That Mean He Didn't Exist In The First Place? A Bay Mirror Exclusive Investigation

Mrs Noble, who is the neighbour of the famous Phoebe, Piper and Paige Halliwell, has demanded an investigation into the mystery disappearance of a young man she had seen regularly at the Halliwell Sisters' house in Prescott Street up until May 2004.

"The first time I saw him was around 2 years before he disappeared," Mrs Noble explained exclusively to this Bay Mirror investigative reporter. "He was sitting on the steps out the front of the house talking to Piper's husband, Leo. I happened to be looking over from my front porch when I saw what seemed to be Leo disappearing in a cloud of white lights, and this guy Chris flicked his wrist and the white cloud disappeared completely."
Mrs Noble then went on to explain that she is still on medication, but has finally realised that what she saw that day was impossible.
"But that is not important," she continued, "The main thing I'm trying to get across is he was a very nice young man, and I, and many others would have liked him to have stuck around for a little longer."

After checking with other neighbours, and a former barman named Dennis from Piper Halliwell's famous nightclub, P3, they have all confirmed that this young man, whose name was Chris Perry, did indeed exist.

So what really happened to him?

After contacting the San Francisco Police Department, it seems that a now deceased police officer, Inspector Sheridan, had begun an investigation into his apparent death. She had filed a report that stated she had witnessed Chris very close to death after suffering a fatal stab wound to his abdomen, in the house of the Halliwells. She did not know who had stabbed him or the circumstances surrounding the incident. And did not state in her report why she didn't call an ambulance. The plot thickens with the revelation that Inspector Sheridan died approximately a year later, in the line of duty, also in the Halliwell house.

Determined to get to the bottom of this intriguing mystery, The Bay Mirror's crack investigating team set out to find out who this Chris Perry actually was. Unfortunately, except for an oustanding warrant for his arrest, it seems he simply never existed.

Coincidentally, Piper Halliwell has named her second son Chris.

When contacted for a comment about this mystery, Phoebe Halliwell replied, "An adult named Chris living with us? Sorry, don't remember. Now if you were asking about Chris-ty...or even Billie...then take a seat, I can tell you all about them."

This reporter politely declined her offer stating the readers wouldn't care about Chris-ty or Billie, they were only interested in Chris' story.

Scry, that's fabulous!

That really was awesome. Loved the Golden Gate Bridge one.

Scry that's hysterical!

I think what scry has done is such a good idea, I recommend we use his image as a template for future stories!

Template with side story

Template without side story

It's inspired me to write my next one.

I'm hopeless with art programs (I don't even know which one I'd need), so I'll just stick to text for now…

Shampoo=Relationship Killer? One Woman's Opinion

Guys, forget about sensitivity training, liking cats, expensive suits, and fast cars. Apparently the sure-fire way to a woman's heart is to have lots and lots of greasy hair, according to one local club impressario.

"It's weird, I know," said the former restaurant manager, who asked only to be identified as "Piper H." to preserve her anonymity, "but even though I love my fella—let's call him 'Len'—I often find I have trouble reaching the big 'O' with him. Sometimes I have to practically render him, um, immobile so I can finish. But with my ex, um, 'Gordo', that was never a problem—I'd run my fingers through that greasy, grimy hair of his, and before I knew it, my lotion would be flowin' like the ocean! Like I say, weird."

"It is a little weird," confirmed The Bay Mirror's very own advice columnist, Homeland Security Hero Phoebe "Ask Phoebe" Halliwell, "but it makes sense. Touch is a very underrated sense—I can't tell you how many sensual moments I've had from touching people, and even objects. That's why I try to get my hands on every guy I meet, ha-ha!" she joked. More seriously, HoSeH'o Halliwell added, "It makes sense that touching hair that reminds you of your own vaginal juices could unlock the floodgates and then, well, look out below, ladies! Oooh! Look at that…just talking about it made me drop another layer on the chair. Mmmmm…" Ms. Halliwell then broke off our interview in favor of rocking back and forth and sighing.

It is predicted that this trend will have men all over the Bay Area rubbing their hair across their car's engine blocks to achieve ideal viscosity, and that STP will soon stand head and shoulders above Head & Shoulders in retail sales. Gentlemen, start their engines!

HOMELESS STREETWALKER DISRUPTS CONVENTION

ETA: If anyone wants the photo shop file with layers ready to be edited, email me at heyDontLookAtMe@hotmail.com. It's 1.6MB and you'll need Photoshop, version 7.0 or better to open/edit it.

Loved that idea, Scry! Really hysterical. And thanks, DPD, for putting up the template.

BAY MIRROR EDITOR MURDERED BY "IDENTICAL TWIN"

The editor of The Bay Mirror, Elise Rothman, was brutally killed last night by a deranged maniac.

Rothman was walking toward her vehicle in this very paper's underground car park when a psychotic woman attacked her and bludgeoned her to death before fleeing in a stolen car. Later that night, police arrested Rothman's killer, former nurse Jackie Michaels, after a high-speed car chase.

In a statement, Michaels claimed "I had always hated the fact that Elise Rothman had my exact same face. It was like we were twins", she continued, "I just could not keep myself sane knowing another person out there looked identical to me".

This is the latest violence surrounding the Michaels family. In 1998, Jackie's niece Aviva was arrested and charged for attacking her and throwing her down a staircase.

Scry...that was awesome. I'm going to miss these forums so much!!

San Fran's Men are Losing Their Heads

The Only Hospital in San Francisco has recently reported a rash of men wishing to undergo surgical castration. For some as-yet unexplained reason, men all over the city are voluntarily choosing to become eunuchs.

"It's strange," says Dr. Ava Nikolai. "These are men in the prime of their life, wanting to throw away any hope of future sexual relationships. We refer each of them to counseling, of course, but they come out of the sessions even more determined than ever to go through with it."

Phoebe Halliwell, volunteer counselor for the hospital, is also baffled.

"They refuse to talk about why they want to do this. I've known each of these men, intimately, and they all seemed to enjoy our encounters at the time.They even seemed excited when I mentioned my plans for finding the father of my future daughter. Or, maybe it was terrified. I'm not very good with emotions."

Further investigation revealed no link between the men except for the aformentioned relationships with Ms. Halliwell.

Says the empath. Hee.

Costumer for WB Show Declared Legally Blind

It was a sad day on the set of the WB show “Charmed, “ a show about 3 sister witches residing in the same house in San Francisco. Their beloved costumer, a woman who had redefined the term “appropriate” had been declared legally blind by a local San Francisco optical specialist. Eilish, the costumer in question had been deeply respected in the garment industry for her creative use of fabric for the hit show.

“You know, Eilish has always just been the best, “said Alyssa Milano, drinking a tall frozen chai while simultaneously doing sit-ups. “She made me what I am today. I don’t know where I would be without her.”

“But you have to admit that this isn’t exactly surprising news, “said Holly Marie Combs, her sister witch on the show. “I mean, the level of quality has deteriorated in recent years. Look at that Nymphs episode, for God’s sake.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed. Her color choices always seemed so right on, “responded Rose McGowan who seemed to have an itch today, squirming on her seat and randomly twitching. Ms. McGowan was wearing a turquoise colored top and melon and grey striped pants for this interview.

Ms. Milano seemed shocked. “The level of quality has dropped? How can you say that? She has always displayed my cooter tat so beautifully in those ultra-low cut pants!”

Ms. Combs appeared to roll her eyes, but it was difficult to tell underneath her magnificent mane of hair.

Whether the quality has dropped or not, it would appear that the kind hearted folks at the WB are willing to keep the beleaguered costumer on board indefinitely. “She is not going anywhere,” said Brad Kern, producer of the show. “She is saving us an amazing amount of money in our budget on clothing. You can’t believe what she can do. A yard of fabric can yield enough outfits for 3 separate shows!” He shook his head in admiration. “The woman is a genius. It was her idea to bring on new talent. She took one look at Kaley Cuoco and said that she was the next Shannen Doherty and we needed to grab her fast. Thank God we listened to her.”

As for Shannen Doherty, previously on the show before her character’s untimely demise in the 3rd season, her response to the news was one of hysterical laughter before she hung up on this reporter.

Love it, Scry. "Zankou Fukyurdurn." Hee.

Ornothologists flock en-masse to the SF area
For the past year and a half, San Francisco has been the site of the largest gathering of onrothologists to be recorded in history. After reports circulated of numerous SF residents spotting a "gigantic red bird" a year and a half ago, curious and excited ornothologists have been camped out all over town hoping to be the first to identify and catalog this great bird. One resident even said that this bird was "so big it blocked an entire traffic tunnel as it flew through." While we know people are prone to exaggeration when they are being quoted for the media, other reports have confirmed that this bird was "abnormally large and oddly shaped for a bird, but it must be a bird because it was flapping it's wings." However, after a brief flurry of sightings, this great red bird appears to have disappeared, apparently going back to wherever it came from, but the ornothologists have not. People have nicknamed this bird the "Golden Gate Monster" in homage to the Loch Ness Monster and also due to the fact that it is theorized that the bird was also responsible for the Golden Gate Bridge disappearing for about a half hour the same day the bird was sighted.

Okay guys, I'm not too good at this, so NO LAUGHING!!

(Although it may be too small to read, I can't figure out how to make it larger, so if someone is willing to give me pointers, I'm all ears.)

Here's my first attempt:

Local Residents Report Seeing Deceased Homeland Security Agent Kyle Brody

So just so I know everyone will see it all, I will post it here, as well.

Local Residents Report Seeing Deceased Homeland Security Agent Kyle Brody

Are you a local resident who thinks you've been seeing things or do you think you are losing your mind? Well, you may not be. Dozens of local residents have reported seeing former Homeland Security Agent Kyle Brody, now deceased. Agent Brody was killed in January 2005. Details of his death are still sealed, the only information Homeland Security will release is that Agent Brody, who was deep undercover, was killed in the line of duty. What Duty?? We have NO idea.

The Loneliest Precinct in the World has been inundated with phone calls over the last few months, reporting sightings of the local agent, according to Lt. Darryl "Doormat" Morris. "We have no idea what to think", Morris stated in an interview, "At first we thought it was simply a prank being played by a few teenagers, but lately, we have been getting calls from several reliable sources who have confirmed that they, too, are seeing Agent Brody. The callers are claiming that Agent Brody appears in "glowing white lights", and, at times, is almost translucent. Police have been called to investigate several times, however, by the time they actually get around to showing up, Brody has 'disappeared', yet again. When asked about the police response, or lack thereof, Morris stated, "Well, if the doughnut counter would hurry up..."

Local residents are urged to keep their windows and doors locked, as "Doormat" and his associates have no idea whether "Brody" is dangerous or not. "He was unstable when he was "alive", so we would suggest citizens use extreme caution if they see or are approached by this Brody".

Ironically, the most likely people in San Fransisco to have seen "Brody", the Halliwell Sisters, who were "working" with "Brody" at the time of his death, and one of whom was sleeping with him, have denied seeing "Brody" or knowing anything about his recent appearances. When asked about Agent Brody, Paige Matthews-Mitchell, the youngest of the sisters, who recently married local Parole Officer Henry Mitchell, Ms. Matthews-Mitchell replied, "Kyle who? No, my husband's name is H-E-N-R-Y." So, naturally, we think they must know exactly what is going on and are covering it up.



Priceless Painting Still Missing

Seven years after it mysteriously disappeared from Prue Halliwell's office at "Buckland's Auction House", a priceless painting known as "The Painted World" is still missing. The painting was taken on the night of October 14, 1999 after it was x-rayed to authenticate it. An intern at the auction house, known only as "Joe", stated, "Ms. Halliwell had left for the evening and the dumb broad just left the painting on the easel in her office. And when I went to get it and put it in the building's vault, her sister, Piper Halliwell, was in her office looking at the painting. I must have blacked out or something because the next thing I remember, I was all alone and the painting was gone! I still believe Ms. Halliwell--Piper Halliwell-- had something to do with the missing painting, but I can't PROVE it." Unfortunately for "Joe", the auction house didn't buy his story and fired him for negligence. The painting has never resurfaced. It is still missing
today.

ETA: Edited because I suck at this.

(Minor trivia: Joe's last name is "Lyons".)

kenniesmom, email me the file -- the larger version, of course. :)

ETA: heyDontLookAtMe@hotmail.com

kenniesmom, did you get the file I emailed you?


NOT GAY COP FOUND DEAD IN HIS NOT GAY HOME

Yes, I did, but now having problems loading it. What the hell is wrong with me?

I love it DPD!!

"Local club impresario Piper Halliwell" will never get old.

You do realise that you're using far too many photographs for the front page of the Bay Mirror? ;) Their motto is 'no unbroken expanse of boring grey text is too small'!

As an ex-graphic designer, I can't help noticing (and laughing at) the horribly dull design of the BM whenever it appears in the show. They've had front pages with no photos, for chrissakes. Any single one of the spoofs here has probably had ten times more thought and effort put into it than anything we ever see on screen!

More Harmed than Charmed: Has 'Ask Phoebe' Lost her Magic?

Ever since she walked into our offices four years ago it's been hard to imagine a life without 'Ask Phoebe', The Bay Mirror's very own advice columnist. Yet the recent arrival of a package of hurtful cartoons at All the News that's Fit to Fuck Me suggests that Phoebe Halliwell's spell over her readers may have come to an end.

The series, titled Harmed, is a calculated attack on everything in Phoebe's life; not least of all her physical appearance. The artist seems not to have wasted any kindness on the drawings, and the series' support on the internet that we were able to be discovered, suggests that this is a view not only appreciated but shared amongst our loyal readers. We ask again: has 'Ask Phoebe' lost her magic?

More interestingly than the cartoons' messages of hate, however, are the implications that Phoebe Halliwell is not all she seems to be. If the rumours are confirmed, then it would appear that our star columnist is, in fact, a witch!

"I always knew there was something strange about her," one columnist stated, "Whenever she would leave my office I would always find this strange substance on my desk. It would make sense that it was part of some magical ritual."

When asked for a comment herself, our reporter found himself being edged towards a wall as halliwell laughed: "Me? A witch? Don't be silly! I'm far too busy trying to find my baby daddy to be a witch. I couldn't possibly be.... You wouldn't happen to be single would you?"

The cartoons' artist, at this stage known only as payndz, is currently unavailable for comment.

Where Are The Godiva Girls?

As part of our ongoing series titled Where are they now? and to take your mind off of all those downer murders and shootings that the other papers insist on writing about, we bring you back to a certain day some time back. San Franciscans from all walks of life were rocked by news coverage of the open air performance of a trio of delightful and underclad women who instantly captured our hearts (and loins) and were named "The Godiva Girls". After brief sightings at various locales including that bastion of heterosexuality, P3, they vanished without our even learning their names. Although rumours persisted of their being linked to the Halliwells of Prescott Street (our very own Phoebe Halliwell of Ask Phoebe fame later pulled a Lady Godiva routine of her own to protest somethiing or other), but nothing was ever proven.

Where can they be? Could they have met with foul play? A city waits and worries.

God.

I mistyped impresario.

But that's something that's "fit to fuck me" for The Bay Mirror, right?

ETA: kenniesmom's Local Residents Report Seeing Deceased Homeland Security Agent Kyle Brody

Hee. I loved it, DPD. Especially the picture you used for Piper.

DPD, Thank you, what would I do without you??

CONTINUITY FOUND SLAUGHTERED

The discovery of a dead body at the house of a 'popular' televison executive yesterday has left a sense of uneasiness all over Hollywood. The mudered female, who can only be identified as Continuity, was found buried under the floorboards by local police officers who had been called to the address after neighbours complained of noise disturbance. Miss Continuity had been reported missing by a groups of internet forumers six years ago, but their concerns went unheard. A coroner has confirmed that the victim was beaten repeatedly about the head with a baseball bat, burned and mutilated before ultimately being murdered. It is thought to have been a slow and torturous death, that may have lasted many years.

One of Continuity's good friends Connie M Burge commented yesterday, "I always hoped that she would return alive. There are no words to describe the pain i feel knowing what has gone on here....I just wish it could have been prevented."

Two men have been arrested in conjunction with this crime. They are a Brad Kern [whose house the body was found at] and Aaron Spelling [who police believe to be the mastermind behind the entire sordid affair]. Both face a heavy prison sentence.

Mr Kern is also being held on animal cruelty charges. This comes after his neighbours
complained of noises coming from the 'Charmed' producer's basement. Upon investigation the
LAPD found monkeys chained to typewriters, being forced to write scripts. These monkeys appear to have addictions to Crack. One theory is that this drug ensures that they produce the most ludicrous storylines possible. Which after viewing an episode of the show is thought to be true.

(Sigh) If only....

WB Series Actress Victim of Poisoning Scheme

Los Angeles police have determined that Rose McGowan, an actress on the WB series Charmed, has been the victim of a bizarre poisoning scheme by person or persons unknown. Apparently, the unknown assailant has been adding a chemical agent to the special pancake makeup Ms. McGowan uses to attain her supernaturally pale appearance, for at least the last three years. Police sources say that the chemical's effects include muscle spasms, facial twitches, loss of vocal control, excessive hair growth, and possible color-blindness. It is not known if any suspects have been identified as yet.

"It's horrible!" said Alyssa Milano, Ms. McGowan's co-star on Charmed, which was recently cancelled by the soon-to-be-defunct WB. "I can't believe that anyone would want to harm Rose, to make her look like an inferior actress and diminish her role in the show. As actors, the first thing you learn is that your co-star's success is your success, too. Our show has always drawn strength from the idea that no one of us is bigger than the show, and so I consider this horrible attack on Rose's health and her talent to be an attack on me, too."

In other news, Ms. Milano has recently announced her engagement to a Mr. Wall of Los Angeles. "He's always been there for me," said Ms. Milano of her low-profile fiancé, of whom no further details are available.