Just because it was suggested in Simple Rules for Running a TV Show.

1. Have a girl. Make her beautiful. Make all the lead actors, tertiary male actors, and supporting actors fall in love with her, but never show the audience why.

2. Throw away all continuity.

3. Make sure that no one can interact with another character of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if the characters are gay) without some kind of non-platonic feelings. Even parents are not exempt from this, IE, Creepy Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven.

Make sure that the plot never moves forward and compound throw more mysteries at your audience without solving any of the previous ones.

Have as many Mary Sues on your show as you deem necessary.

Continuity? What's that?

Besides the joke/plot point I created works so much better if you throw out everything we know about the character already!

Seeing this thread made me laugh because that's what I originally thought the 'Simple Rules for Running a TV Show' was called. But then like the next day I reread it and saw that it was running, not ruining. Hee.

If you're a crappy showrunner and a shity writer, don't worry about it! Take on storylines that you can't handle and tackle important issues like, rape, abortion, serious illnesses and addiction even though you're not remotely equipped to do so properly. And, whatever you do, do not devote any effort to research. Realism, dilligence and artistry are for prissy auteurs.

Make sure all your leads date each other in as many combinations as you can think of but never have the relationships last a significant time.

Have the characters not be aware of all the strange goings on in their town. Or if they are aware, have them not be aware of certain things.

"Oh the old lady that was old when I was a kid? Perfectly normal"

*edited to add quotation marks*

Is a relationship going well for two characters? Throw a long lost kid into the mix. (Hello Gilmore Girls!)

Aw, my inability to read inspired a thread.

Have your lead couple break up a couple of hundred times and get back together. Have them break up for really DUMB reasons. Have them them get married and have a baby.

Have the Borg show up several hundred years before a Federation ship goes into the Delta quadrant and do it with a really lame plotline. (Hello Enterprise!)

Refuse to get rid of an unpopular character no matter how much the audience wants you to.

Write in completely random plotlines to shock the audience, such as a character's heretofore nonexistant racism, prescription drug addiction or gambling problem.

Make sure no child conceived on your show is legitimate, and always make sure there are at least two possible fathers. Then place the unborn child in jeopardy as often as you can.

Whatever you do, do NOT allow a couple in a committed, monogomous marriage to ever conceive a child. They may only adopt or use a surrogate. Should the wife actually manage to conceive, she must suffer a painful miscarriage that renders her permanently barren.

If you do have an evil or unpopular character and reform them, make sure to kill him/her off as soon as they gain the audience's sympathy.

There is never a situation in which it is unacceptable for a man to have his shirt off, or a woman to be in a bikini.

Never give up on a romantic pairing that you like--even if the characters have no chemistry and the actors hate each other.

If your show takes place in a scholastic setting, there must be a carnival, dance or beach party every week. No exceptions.

If your show takes place in a business setting, there must be a hostile takeover or bankruptcy plot at least twice a year. Corrupt businessmen never ever get caught, and are always attractive to women.

If your show takes place in a family setting, and you need to expand the role of a quirky neighbor or friend, it is perfectly acceptable for you to eliminate one or more of the family's children with no explanation.

If your show has been on for longer than six seasons, it is time to start getting rid of all of your original female cast members. Fans only want hotties! Men, however, can stay on the show as long as they like.

If a main cast member decides to leave the show, make sure you kill them off in a manner that is absolutely definite and final. Then when they want to come back, come up with a lame explanation. The fans will be so happy, they won't care that you're treating them like idiots!

Cast actors with chemistry as siblings.

Retcon early. Retcon often. The audience loves it when you obliterate three seasons worth of continuity to reveal that it was all a dream.

The easiest way to ruin a show is to never give it a chance. Schedule it in a suicide slot and then yank it after the first episode or two. Or, conversely, move it so often that the actors' own parents will have trouble finding it.

Let your lead actor cast/choose his own prospective love interests. When said pairings inevitably tank, get rid of the lady. Of course it was her fault the pairing didn't work out, and move your leading man onto newer and younger pastures. (Even though he is pushing mid-forties at least, and his girlfriends/wives are never on the dark side of thirty.)

Misogyny rules! Being shot in the head while giving birth is really quite romantic!

This post is dedicated to Maurice Benard and the fuckwits at TFGH.

First: Buy the rights to an insanely popular show airing in another country. (We're talking one that already has an existing fanbase in your country, chomping at the bit to throw their precious time and ratings into watching said show.)

Now: Completely alienate that fanbase by cutting out all the character development, blood, and swearing.

Next: Cast the screechiest, most hyperactive voice actor you can find for the lead role.
Make sure they have no vocal level under "Defcon 1."

Finally: Wonder why show aimed at young adults bombed in the teeny-bopper timeslot.

Repeat.

Edited because I got my Defcons mixed up. Thanks, Eegah.

Have John Wells take over the reins of any show -- especially shows from Aaron Sorkin and Tommy Schlamme.

look overhead to see a helicopter crashing down

That groundbreaking storyline that was daring and progressive when written? Introduce an element that completely refutes its purpose and alienates all your viewers. Best if done in such a manner that would have been scientifically impossible at the time the original storyline aired. Even better if still not feasible today. (Damn you All My Children! Damn you!)

I think you mean Defcon 1, 5's the lowest setting. The one thing I learned from Wargames.

When in doubt, just add a cute kid to the cast. Viewers love it!

Isn't that the ONLY commandment given to anyone who works for Fox TV programming (and the WB when it came to "Angel")?

And constantly remind the viewers about how these characters are meant to be through longing glances and awkward situations that exist to bring them closer together. Also, have the other characters give subtle hints to one of these characters about how s/he should take the plunge and ask the other person because it is meant to be, no questions asked.

Concentrate all romances between co-workers because people never date outside of the work place. Never. Especially if you are a cop/lawyer/FBI agent.

Be sure to have at least one "After school special" episode per season. That way you can patronise and bore your viewers at the same time as covering issues.

Ignore crackling chemistry between characters in favour of half-assed pairings. (Corday and Greene in favour of Corday and Romano)

Don't focus too hard on those interesting, enigmatic characters - by all means, focus exhaustive attention on your Mary-Sue - after all, we'll love them eventually! (E.R., Smallville - the list is endless...)

And when that kid hits adolescence, add a new cute kid. To really please the audience, make it twins!

Change timeslots. Often.

If a show is working well and getting good ratings as a character driven drama, by all means, change the format to episodic and plot driven. Who cares about dropped storylines or character development? In making this change, feel free to ignore how characters were written in the past, as well as any established premise of the show. The only thing that matters is whichever plotline you think will draw in young viewers.

Two words: Family Edition.

Two more words: Celebrity Edition.

See: The Mole, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, The Weakest Link.

If you've somehow managed to put together a talented cast, just let them do all the heavy lifting! There is no need for strong writing when you've got strong actors! That belief that acting is only about 50% of the formula and the writing/direction makes up the rest is pure BS dreamed up by lazy actors!

So just kick back - there is no need for continuity or character development. No need to pay attention to important events or dates, or deciding on a direction for the show, or even sticking with the premise of your show. Just write whatever your little heart desires!

Doesn't matter if characters are written all over the place as a result, or their ages jump all over the place, or can't seem to remember what happened to them just a few episodes ago, or their personalities do a complete 180 from one week to the next - let the actors handle that! If they are good, they can make a silk purse out of any sow's ear you hand them. That's why they're paid the big bucks, right?

When making a show about a superhero, cast his love interest first, then cast everyone else around her. Then make the show all about how it will effect her.

The key word here is patronize. Let that word become your mantra. Patronize your viewers early and often. After all, you, the writers/ producers/ directors/ actors, are much cleverer and wittier than any of the dull middle-America mouth-breathers watching your show! You can get the viewers to accept any old dreck you produce, as long as you've got hot young bodies for them to ogle.


After all, continuity just gives the average American a headache.
No matter what your current fan base, it's always better to go after a bigger, more lucrative market. So what if you alienate the old fans? If they don't like the show's "new direction," that's their fault.

Develop a show with any of the following words in the title: "Dancing" "Skating" "Celebrities".

Develop a cleverly written, well-acted, wholly original show, then refuse to promote it, move it to insane timeslots and blame its eventual demise on "low ratings."

Everyone loves babies! Especially when the parents' lives are so hectic and dangerous that having children would gum up the works and endanger everyone!

Bring characters back from the dead as often as possible. In fact, if it suits your story plans, kill them off just so that they can be brought back from the dead.

If your show features recurring guest characters, eliminate them whenever you feel like it, and give no reason whatsover for their disappearance.

Film next year's premiere at the end of this season, so that you open yourself up to the possiblilty of having a major cast change between episodes 1 and 2 next season.

If you have two characters get married, make sure to turn the wife into a raging bitch the minute the ceremony ends.

If one of your characters has teenaged offspring, that offspring must become a drug addict or gang member.

Brain tumors are not an overused plot device. Use them to your little heart's content.

Make sure no one on your show has a happy marriage, unless the married people are very old. Then, you must give one or both of them alzheimer's.

Word to fadooski, last minute and kostgard. I was just about to write those points.

When you know you pissed off your audience with a certain storyline, always defend it. It's not you who got it wrong, it's the audience's fault that they haven't noticed the pure brilliance that this storyline was!

ALWAYS forget your original premise. That way you'll lose viewers the fastest way possible.

Cast bland actors to the most complex roles. They will totally throw viewers into your show just because of their look, they don't actually need to redeem acting skills to move an audience.

On an ensemble show, play favorites. Who needs to see the rest of the beloved cast? Everyone has got to see your favorite actor monopolizing the screen time!

Technical advises: When the show just kicks off put it on a crappy time slot, on a crappy network. Don't promote it enough. And keep changing the time slot often enough so the audience won't even be able to find the show, playing hide and seek is so much fun!

Two words: stunt casting.
Nothing can improve ratings more than shoehorning celebrities into a show. So what if your core audience is appalled by your choices. Go on ahead and cast the ratings stunts for an entire month. There is no better way to boost your demos.

A scheduling tip: If you would like to have a huge audience of teenagers and other young adults, air a show on Fridays at 8pm. Kids only go out on Fridays because they don’t think that there is anything good on tv.

And then when doubt seeps back in, remove said kid with no explaination.
I'm talking to you Married with Children

For Sci-Fi, throw in as much techno-babble as possible.
In fact, make entire plotlines revolve around the technology (or lack thereof).
I'm talking to you Star Trek

Use your show to sell as many products as possible, no matter how awkwardly you have to contort the plot and dialog to do it. Some good things to sell are:

- Cars and trucks.
- Bands that nobody wants to listen to.
- Movies that nobody wants to see.
- Soup.
- Just about anything else.

Mandate changes to characters, structure, and overall tone of the series as the price for getting another season. When the ratings tank due to these changes, blame the producers and cancel the show.

Air the episodes out of order. Audiences love that!

If you have a successful show, spin it off as much as possible and shoehorn in as many backdoor pilots as possible! I mean, who cares about the original show or wants to see its cast? We want new situations with entirely new characters that we'll never see again!

A serial killer plotline is always a great idea. Devote an entire season to it, without knowing which character is actually the killer. Then come up with a half-assed plot that pins the murders on the most recent addition to the cast, ie, the character the fans suspected all along.
It's even better if the killer wears a freaky costume (like a mask, maybe?) and has a spiffy nickname ("The Carver" sounds pretty cool).

1. Over promote if the show is not worth it

2. Don’t promote the show that is worth it

3. Place a potential/all ready great show in a bad timeslot

4. CANCEL THE SHOW AFTER THREE EPISODES then wonder why it did not gain an audience in news articles.

5. Replace an original character when the actor/actress quits/ got fired

Bring in a "precocious" child. Audiences love children! Especially ones that can't act and/or resemble monkeys!

Bring in a character with a fake accent of any kind -- just make it thick and randomly inconsistent. A Southern accent is easy to do 'cause... welp... ever-ah-boddah cain dew a Suther-un axe-int, sugah! It's pretty annoying, though.

FYI: I live in Muffinville, South Carolina, so I ain't hatin'... :)

Feel free to make a previous guest-star/minor reoccuring character a regular and place them with the main cast, regarless of the fact that they've speant their previous appearances training to kill the main cast. Naturally the audience will love them as muchg as you do even though they're hogging screen time and ruining moments with their crappy attempts at humour and poor timing.

One of the classics: the evil twin!

This is how to tell the difference between when something ruins a show, and when it does not (I'll turn the irony meter down for this section)

1)Making a whole season/series a dream:

As a cheap soap opera ploy or to write off a bizarrely crappy last season: ruins.

As a genius way to wrap up a series by tying it into an older series starring the same comic actor: Not ruin.


2) Jumping a shark:

Doing it driving a motorcycle (bonus points if it coincides with a black tee shirt replacing a white one): Ruins.

Just hop over it as a wink to the above moment: Not ruin; adds to show's genius, if anything!

3) Evil Network Exec

If his name is Pasquale, his name is Pasquale... and he suddenly discovers it's a thoughtful, brilliant drama: Ruin

If it's FX wunderkind Peter Liguori with a rep for understanding greatness, and he moves to FOX?.....

Ruin (it was a trick question: it's still the FOX network, land of the backstabber)

If your show suddenly becomes a hit, meaning audiences managed to find it on their own, under the guise of promotion start shoving the stars down the public's throat at every opportunity. Put them on every talk show imaginable, put them in commercials, put them on every magazine cover, rerun the show 3 times a day everyday. Make people who previously loved the show, hate it's very mention.

Then wonder why the second season doesn't do so well.

Have a decent idea for a TV show, do a decent job with it, develop some interesting characters, then spend the next season totally decimating (often via rapid and unwarranted development) the characters, locations, premise, relationships, bring in charismatic guest stars from the last season but give them no screen time and deadhead their plot possibilities. Instead of keeping to the first season formula, focus solely on inane situations and a cold, dead-fish OTP, but keep viewers hanging on by laying little plot bunny traps with the caveat that they will "pay off" in future seasons. Experience the ultimate in sadism when the show is cancelled and you can tell them what WOULD'VE happened if the show had been picked up for a third season on the DVD commentary.

Is this turning into a guess what show burned me thread?