nubbs
Nov 18, 2005 @ 5:21 pm
Hello, my name is Dick Payne.
I am 23 years old.
I almost graduated from UNSWL (the University of North Southwest Louisiana) where I was studying business, pre-law, and pre-med. At the end of third year, I realized there was money to be made in verité porn and started up my own business using money inherited from my dad (who trademarked the phrase 'Boy, are my dogs barking!'). However, I ran afoul of the university administration and they booted me out. It's a pity, because I was in the top of my class with a 3.0 grade point average, a whole point ahead of the other student in the program. Anyway, my choices were to transfer to Chico State or become a multipreneur. I chose the latter.
So, in addition to the other business, I opened a shop that converts El Caminos into Lamborghini replicas and started a website featuring clandestine pictures of women's underwear on clotheslines. All these businesses prospered and I am now independently wealthy.
In my spare time, I yell obscenities at tyke football games (they could do with some toughening up!), go noodling for catfish, manufacture pharmaceuticals in my shed, and file nuisance lawsuits against benevolent organizations.
I am a perfect candidate to be the next Apprentice.
StickyKeys
Nov 21, 2005 @ 6:45 am
We open with Manhattan skyline porn as the TRUMPcopter lands smoothly on top of TRUMP Int’l headquarters. StickyKeys TRUMP walks out of the TRUMPcopter followed by Georgio and Sweet Caroline (bum Ba BAAA) and yells into the camera as her hair flails about wildly around her.
SK: MY NAME IS STICKYKEYS TRUMP! I AM DONALD’S ILLEGITIMATE “NIECE” AND AM LOOKING FOR MY OWN APPRENTICE. WE HAVE EIGHT GREAT CONTESTANTS, MY TWO WONDERFUL ASSISTANTS, AND A LOT OF SURPRISES IN STORE. LET’S GO INSIDE AND MEET THE CONTESTANTS ONE OF WHOM WILL BECOME THE NEXT APPRENTICE!!
We cut to a montage of trains, plains, automobiles, and land animals carrying our Apprentices to their new offices at TRUMP headquarters.
Ishaq: (Writes on marker board during the TRUMPterview) I am Ishaq. I am from a small villiage I in the place you call Wisconsin. Such a funny sounding land, Wisconsin, it’s where I was born and raised. I will dominate this entire competition and make TRUMP rue the day she didn’t know me in order to pick me to be the Apprentice.
Ishaq puts down his board and stares menacingly into the camera. He erases his white board and writes a new message,
YOU WILL ALL RUE THE DAY! =-)
The message is quite brash, but the smiley face puts you at ease.
Jim: Hello everybody, uhh, let’s see. Where do I begin? Well, first off, name’s Jim. All my life I’ve had to take care of others and I love doing it, I think I can take care of TRUMP and her company and make it alright you know?
Dasha: You are boring us to death silly American. Let us move on to someone more pretty. I am Dasha Daria Mikhailovna Zadorina. I am “fly girl” from “round the way”. Ha! I attended the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Chicago Law School, I am ready to compete and go all the way to become next assistant. I have met my team mates and none of them are worthy of breathing my air. Especially that dirty Chechen scum Ishaq.
A white board whizzes by just missing Dasha’s head. Dasha appears unfazed.
Excuse for minute while I call cousin Dmitri.
A black felt tip marker hit Dasha squarely in her head knocking her unconscious.
Tana: Hi you guys! That’s right I’m back! When I got kicked off the first apprentice I was sad! But now I’m here with my beautiful eyes all asparkle and ready to compete! Yeah! I’m just so excited! Yeah!
KiKi: Brewster and KiKi Watson here, present and ready to win. The Apprentice will never be the same because we will raise the bar to new heights, we will triumph over our captors, we will shoot for the moon!
Brewster: Mom they get it!
KiKi: SHUT UP BREWSTER I WAS TALKING! Ahem, sorry sweetie, you know Mama loves you. Now go run me a bath and make me some of them pancakes you do so well.
Brewster: Sigh. Yes ma’m.
Brewster walks off sulking
KiKi: That’s my little man!
Dick Payne: Actually I like to go by Tad now, but you know, whatever works. See? I’m a flexible guy, always have been, and easy to work with. Yeah, easy like Sunday Morning! Heh, you know, like the song? I remember my summers at UNSWL when my class and I would get on either side of the see saw and just toss ideas back and forth like a rubber ball. And that’s what this is all about really, rubber, and flexibility, and sometimes you have to manipulate the rubber, until it becomes Flubber, and then it can take on any shape. You know I really adore Robin Williams, but he shines as a dramatic actor. I like the drama genre a lot, a lot of people do, and I’m like a lot of people, but I’m also different and that’s what makes me different, my Flubber, flexible balls...
Steven: Right. Okay. I’m Steven, but you can call me Steven for short, heh. Yeah. But what’s in a name right? That’s Shakespeare you chuckleheads! Anyhow, I can’t wait to get my feet wet and my hands in the dirt and really work hard for this apprenticeship. The Sticky will love me, and will pick me.
SKTRUMP: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS, OUR EIGHT COMPETITORS. I SPLIT THE TEAMS INTO TWO GROUPS.
GROUP A IS
STEVEN –Gives the camera a big thumbs up
TAD (DICK) – is still talking about rubberizing everything to make it more tear resistant or something
BREWSTER – looking bored and a little put off by all the new people
KIKI – wiping smutz off of Brewster’s face
GROUP B IS
TANA – Gives big wink and smile at camera
JIM - Holds up hands in prayer symbol and nods head towards camera
ISHAQ – Fingers scar on neck and looks menacingly at the camera
DASHA – Has put on large dark sunglasses, and a kicky beret to accompany her trench coat
TOGETHER THESE TEAMS WILL COMPETE AS A UNIT, BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE APPRENTICE.
The teams enter the suite and see Kool-aid and animal crackers laid out.
Brewster: AWESOME! Animal crackers!
The rest of the group comes into the house and Ishaq notices a letter. To get everyone’s attention he grabs the nearest glass and slams it into the wall. Everyone turns to see what has happened and noticed he has written
I WILL READ YOU LETTER FROM TRUMP
on his whiteboard. The group gathers around while Ishaq writes furiously on his white board.
Greetings, American Infadels-
KiKi: Are you sure it says that?
Dasha: Quiet crazy woman driver!
I am StickyKeys TRUMP and I will be boss for next 8 weeks. Your first task is to pick a team name and decide who will be team captain. I’ve heard you already have excellent ideas, remember to come to a consensus quickly so I can assign the first task. Enjoy the animal crackers and TRUMP-aid I set out for you. They are the best crackers in the world and made from pictures of real actual circus animals (Brewster notices one is shaped like Sam Solveney), the TRUMP-aid is from the finest distilleries in Hastings, Ne. I present you with the best because you are the best, now prove it!
gastrolyor
Nov 21, 2005 @ 1:27 pm
Dick notes there's a discernible pause after he make his suggestions, so he shifts his package in a rather grotesque way and yells:
'Kudzu it is!' completely ignoring the baffled looks of his teammates. 'I came up with the name, so I also want to be project manager on the first task, er, if I want to that is.' [/quote]
Dasha glares at Dick as if he were a spreading red wine stain on Trump's carpet, or maybe a silver-plated appliance.
"No," she says, simply. "No, no, nyyyeeeeettttt." She arches an eyebrow at Dick and smiles. "Your names are ... cute. Like stuffed toy dinosaur. I think my cousin Dmitri would appreciate them."
Dasha snickers off to the side when Ishaq is brained with the beer can and thinks about putting a stick in the spokes of the wheels. You know, just for laughs.
Calreusop
Nov 21, 2005 @ 4:59 pm
Steven: (interviews) So, we're finally in the suite. Our team is me, Tad, and the Wackos. I think Tad and I are going to get along just fine, especially after he showed me some of the pictures he packed in his suitcase. Whoa! I really wish we didn't have Kiki and whats-his-face on her team. They seem to be liabilities. *glances over shoulder at Tana*. On second thought, maybe we're not in as much trouble as I thought.
nubbs
Nov 21, 2005 @ 5:15 pm
Tad: 'KiKi, did you name your son after the tv character Punky Brewster? Did you know that Punky was actually a girl, and that when the actress who played her hit adolescence her breasts grew so big that she had breast reduction surgery?! She was the envy of Hooters patrons everywhere, and then she goes and does that! Unbelievable. And what's up with KiKi anyway? Were your parents hippies?'
Starts chuckling again at the 'hilarity' of his anecdote...
johnnywang57
Nov 21, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
Interviews: Ishaq furiously writes on whiteboard for camera:
"Dasha stupid infidel whore" erase "Bitter because we drive out of motherland." erase "When I say that I mean Wyoming" erase "SKTrump stupid infidel for saying I from Wisconson" erase "Not sure I want stupid infidel Apprenticeship"
"Jim throw beer cans at" erase "my forehead repeatedly and he" erase "piss me off. Nonetheless" erase "I feel he could be an" erase "effective leader if he" erase "weren't Christian or pervert" erase
"Tana offered to BeDazzle" erase "a scarf for me to draw" erase "attention away from my" erase "hideous trach scar" [glare at camera on this] erase "Tana scares me, with her giant" erase "satan teeth."
[by the way, there might be some misconceptions: I said I wasn't a quadrepalegic, therefore, I have no need for a wheel chair. Sorry if that wasn't clear before! =)]
bpd
Nov 21, 2005 @ 6:40 pm
(edited for less obnoxious spacing)
(Jim camterviews leaning against the arch in Washington Square Park. Because we're in New York.)
Jim: Yeah, I felt bad about hitting whiteboard guy in the head, but he seemed to take it in stride. I was going to offer him another and, you know, hand it too him, but that frat boy drank all me beer.
(FLASHBACK)
(Jim opens a drawer in the fridge and finds it empty.)
Jim: Son of a... Hey Tad, you seen my beer?
(Tad, watching TV, throws a blanket over a pile of empties.)
Tad: No way, bro.
(FLASHBACK ENDS)
Jim: Anyway, I offered to be team leader, but things didn't go the way I expected..
(Jim tosses a football to himself as he and his team sits in a lounge in the suite.)
Jim: I mean, at this stage, we're still feeling ourselves out, feeling the other team out. We're doing a lot of feeling...
(Jim catches himself sneaking a peek at Dasha's physique)
Jim: ...and we have to come up with something for Ms. Trump. I'm ready to go ahead with Blatnoi as a team name. Sounds like a good vodka, you know? I'm ready to lead y'all too if you're all down with that. But if you guys want to run -BLEEP- we can talk about it.
(Jim spits out "talk about it" as though he's not used to talking about anything)
Calreusop
Nov 21, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
At Team Naming Meeting:
Steven: How about the Merchants of Venice?
Tad, Kiki, Brewster: Huh?
Kiki: No, we'll be Watson Enterprises.
Tad: Kudzu!
Steven (camterviews): So, we haven't made much progress with the name, but I think Tad's making progress with Dasha.
nubbs
Nov 21, 2005 @ 7:38 pm
Tad sarcastically says 'Oh, how about the Two Gentlemen from Verona!'
He's hammered and falls off the couch, spilling the empties all round him.
'Shit. I think I found your missing beer Steven, er, Jim! *Erp* Sorry man, I'll go to the corner store and get a coupla six packs.'
Looks round and fixes his hazy eyes on Brewster 'Hey Punky, did you say something? *Erp* Whadya mean the first challenge is tomorrow?'
Calreusop
Nov 21, 2005 @ 8:15 pm
Steven replies: Well, we have something like Anitochus from Pericles, Prince of Tyre going on with Kiki and Brewster, only the genders are reversed.
Tad: Yeah, whatever, man.
Steven: I'm going to bed.
gastrolyor
Nov 21, 2005 @ 11:00 pm
Dasha: Shall we just be Blatnoi so we can have this ridiculous discussion done with? At the Unversity of Chicago, we did not waste time like this!
To help move things along, Dasha strategically crosses her leg, revealing more thigh and a pointed black stiletto, and smiles at Jim.
Dasha's Interview
I am far from impressed with the contestants here. Dick seems intent on living up to his name, and if he attempts to touch me one more time, I will cut off his hands myself. Tana seems to have some sort of ... brain impediment. I do not think she understands the concept of Manolo Blahniks. Stilettoes are not meant to be sequined!
Jim is dumber than a drunk Chechen, but perhaps he will be useful when it comes time to hide Ishaq's body.
StickyKeys
Nov 22, 2005 @ 7:18 am
Out of nowhere another letter appears!
KiKi: Sticky Mail!
Ishaq makes a grab for the letter but KiKi slaps his hand away and gives him a little finger admonishment. Ishaq's heart begins to feel. It's never done that before!
SKTRUMP: Unfortunately Uncle Donalds herpe- I mean uhh, "whooping cough" is acting up so I must go away on business. Have your team names and team leaders available tonight. Also be sure to pack an overnight bag, this next mission you'll go wild!
nubbs
Nov 22, 2005 @ 8:48 am
Tad, plotting against the Watsons, pulls Steven aside:
'Steven, you and I both know that Kiki with damn her boho chic and that repressed child of hers aren't around for the longterm, and being called Watson is going to sound ridiculous when they are both gone. Speaking of which, who should go first, mother or son, or should we orchestrate a double firing? Anyway, how about I defer to you to pick the team name, so long as you support me to be project manager on the first task. I've got a feeling about this, what with the reference to 'going wild'...I think we're headed to Lake Havasu to promote a marina or something. Or maybe Lake of the Ozarks. Or maybe the African Lion Safari. In any case, I'd be in my element.'
Steven: 'I can understand the other two, but in your element at the African Lion Safari?'
Tad:
'Ok, I will let you in on a little secret, most of my money really comes from a lawsuit I filed against ALS. I opened my window in the baboon compound, and one of the baboons stuck an apple core in my ear, leaving me deaf on the left side. Anyway, I took them to the cleaners...how the hell was I supposed to know baboons could be dangerous? They're just monkeys.'
'Anyway, Steven, let's hope it is something like Lake Havasu or something, because I am kind of liking the idea of seeing Dharma in a bikini. Did you get a glimpse of her calves? God, I'd love to get laid while I am here.'
'And what's up with the guy with the scar? I am thinking it's all fake to evoke sympathy or something or suddenly SKumpy decided to be all inclusive. I hate that shit, I mean, if people can't succeed on their own merits, why the hell should they get a leg up?'
Tad goes into diatribe about affirmative action and all it's perceived injustices.
Calreusop
Nov 22, 2005 @ 4:49 pm
Steven (camterviews): Okay, Tad and I had a discussion, and he is going to PM the first task. I personally think that if Kiki weren't here, Brewster may be halfway competent. Or alternatively, a nervous wreck. Tad said I could pick a name, so if everyone likes it, I think we should be "Globe Corp." Simple, straightforward, classy.
bpd
Nov 22, 2005 @ 5:39 pm
(Jim camterviews on the uptown 6 platform at Union Square. New York, you know. He smooths back his hair.)
Jim: So we decided to go with Blatnoi as a team name. I still don't know what it means, but I like that Tana can't pronounce it right. And nobody else went for it so I'm the team leader, at least for the time being.
(cut to Jim reading newspaper on suite couch)
Jim (VO): I'm really excited to meet Ms. Trump. If she looks half as good as in her pictures in the "Post"... well, I don't think I have to tell you what that means to me.
(back to the station)
Jim: I just have to wonder how much of my background the other candidates were given ahead of time. I mean, I try to present myself as a solid, stand up, average white guy. I mean, you know, the American dream.
(He absent-mindedly covers his face with his hand.)
Jim: I gotta wonder if they know about when I was younger and ---
(The subway roars by, a whistle blows to signal that it won't be stopping. Jim looks baleful as he speaks from the heart. We can't hear a word of it. Eventually, the train rolls away.)
Jim: -- and it's what I had to do. Anyway, I'm sure they'd treat me differently if they knew.
StickyKeys
Nov 23, 2005 @ 4:58 am
SKTRUMP: Hello teams! Have you completed the tasks asked of you so far?
The group nods.
Great, Team A: Dasha, Tana, Jim Anders, and Ishaq, what is your team name and who is the team leader?
Dasha: Name is Blatnoi Corporation, and I am team leader, I will always be team leader!
The rest of the group looks at each other, but decide not to say anything.
SK: And Team B: Dick Payne
Dick: I’m going by Tad now ma’m
SK: Dick?
Dick: Yes ma’m.
SK: Don’t ever interrupt me Dick. But I hear your request, from now on you may go by one of three names; Dad, Tick, or Snuffleupogus.
Dick: Umm, I guess Tick would suff-
SK: Snuffleupogus it is! Great choice Dick! We’ll call you Snuffles for short. And you will call him SNUFFLES!
The rest of the team nods furiously. This StickyKeys broad was a little scary, again Ishaq felt something in his heart.
SK: Alright, team B: Snuffles Payne, Brewster and KiKi Watson, and Steven Amerstam. What is your team name, and who is your captain?
KiKi: Ma’m, yes Ma’m! Our team name is Team Watson, Inc. Ma’m! I am the project manager, Ma’m!
The rest of the team looks very wary and Snuffles gives Steven a look.
Steven: Actually Ms. TRUMP, we agreed that I would be project manager and our team name would be Globe Cor- OUCH! What the hell was that?!
KiKi quickly hides the doll in her purse but not before poking it with a pin one more time.
Steven: So you see Ma’m, our name is supposed to be- OUCH! D@mmit what the &"%*!
SK: It’s a little unorthodox, but I’ll allow it. Your team now will be called OUCH! D@mmit what the &"%*!, Inc. Creative Steven, I like it.
Steven is a bit perplexed, but happy to have made a good albeit, odd, impression.
SK: Now for the fun part teams, your first task.
Tana: YEAH! YES Ms. TRUMP, I have been waiting for this all night, I can’t wait to get started, YEAH!
SK: (Looking oddly at Tana who has started doing roundhouses and somersaults off the tables)
Ha! Bendy! I told you in the letter that it was time for you to GO Wild!
The Central Park Zoo is home to millions of animals, and receives billions of visitors each year. It is the bestest zoo foreverest in the bestest most greatest citiest ever! New York City. Unfortuntely some of the animals housed are getting placed into stereotypical boxes and it's limiting their range of expression. The lion is known as vicious, the Giraffes are arrogant and above everyone, the monkeys are ingrates and the penguins are very, very gay. Your job will be to pick two of the animals mentioned and create a campaign giving them a whole new persona! This will challenge your creative skills, your advertising, and your ability to get along. You have a few days and tons of resources including, Crayola brand crayons, Elmers glue, glitter, and a BeDazzler.
Tana faints dead away from pure bliss.
The winner will get a fantastical prize, and the loser will meet me in the boardroom and someone will be fired!
StickyKeys
Nov 23, 2005 @ 5:03 am
Brewster: I remember this one time when I went to camp we had to make tambourines out of paper plates and macaroni. Then we decorated the inside. It was really cool so I think I'll do well on this task.
KiKi: Shut up boy, art is sissy stuff and you ain't no sissy! Now here is what I want to do. Go for the lion and make him sexy! Like Ben Vereen on Zoobilee Zoo, or Mufasa!
Brewster: Mom, that's gross!
KiKi: What did I tell you?! I also want the giraffe and sex him up like, I don't know, a sexy girrafe! See? That's brilliant right? How dare stupid Steven get up and contradict me in front of Ms. TRUMP? I swear that boy will live to regret the day he crossed me!
nubbs
Nov 23, 2005 @ 12:36 pm
Tad blanches at the mention of monkeys.
‘Steve, what the hell happened to Globe Corp? Now we are ‘Ouch! whatever the hell’. And I am pegged as 'Snuffles' for chrissake.'
(Punky snorts at hearing this, and is rewarded with a withering glance from Tad).
'Anyway, I expect to be referred to as Tad within the team. Monkeys are out! That’s for damn sure. I don’t care how much DNA we have in common.’
Kiki mutters under her breath ‘Some more than others.'... then speaking at normal volume again 'Why are monkeys out?’
*Tad impulsively rubs left ear* ‘They’ve got too much brand equity, you can’t get over that. Monkeys have been irascible hams since Ronald Reagan was an actor.’
Brewster: ‘Who?!’
Tad: ‘Ronald Reagan, the guy they named that aircraft carrier after.’
Brewster: ‘Aircraft carriers! Cool!’
Kiki: ‘Um, aren’t we getting a little off topic?’
Tad: ‘Right, so monkeys are out. That leaves penguins, giraffes, and seals. I vote for penguins. Did anyone see ‘March of the Penguins’? I think we should go with the idea of pitching penguins as tough, resolute survivors. People will have newfound respect for them. I think we can really hit it out of the ballpark with that one. I can see Tana portraying them as comical and reprising that whole ‘little tuxedos’ bullshit. We'll kick her midwestern ass.’
Kiki: *sharp intake of breath* ‘Tad, please refrain from profanity in front of my son!’
Tad: ‘Ah, yeah, sure. So, we’ve got tough, resolute penguins. Now the sexy giraffes. I agree, I think they are hot! So does Paris Hilton I’ll bet! Did you ever see that picture of her getting out of a car and you can see her…’
Kiki claps hands over Brewster’s ears.
Tad: ‘Just kidding, Kiki, just kidding.
Brewster: ‘My ears are ringing.’
Tad: *rolls eyes* ‘Moving right along. So we’ve got the sexy giraffes. Long, elegant legs, striding along, sashaying from side to side, lean, defined muscles shifting under their taught flesh...’
Steven is starting to get creeped out. ‘Okay, Tad, I am with you on the penguin thing. Not sure that we want to use the sex angle for the giraffes. Let’s give the seals further consideration.’
Brewster: ‘My mom always says that Paula Abdul claps like a seal! Maybe we can call the seals a ‘pod of Paulas’ and call their enclosure 'American Idol!'’
Tad: 'And we'll call one of the penguins 'Seacrest'! Get it? Penguins, the ocean, Seacrest? Aha, ha, ha, ha!'
Tad, Brewster, and Steven start laughing uproariously.
Tad camterviews:
I am a bit disappointed with Steven. He seems to have a mysterious health problem. I think I deserve all the credit for getting the ball rolling with my penguin idea. The team really started to gel right away. Even Punky was getting into it. The more distance he puts between him and his mother, the better. I suspect she’s a democrat.
Kiki camterviews:
Tads a neanderthal.
Brewster camterviews:
I think I've got a lot to learn from Tad. He's got the know on a lot of shit. Especially sex. Oh wait, my mom's not going to see this is she?'
Steven camterviews:
Tad seems to have some creative ideas, but he's kind of out there, and is preoccupied with sex. If I was Dharma, I'd lock my door and hide that guys camera phone. And forsake any animal print clothing, by the sounds of it.
RitaTome
Nov 23, 2005 @ 3:02 pm
Tana: Oh my GOD! I really think we should pick the giraffes. Seriously, you guys. Think about it! Look at those long necks! And those spotty things! We could glue glitter on all those spotty things! And if we get them some cute little hats and tee shirts those frickin' giraffes would ROCK. Hey! We could use the Holy BeDazzler on the hats and tee shirts!
Huh? What do you mean that doesn't change their image? What does their image have to do with anything? mutters: Why do I always get stuck with the Three Stooges?
Look. You guys just take care of it, ok? I'm going into town to find some more sparkly stuff.
Calreusop
Nov 23, 2005 @ 5:04 pm
STEVEN Web Entrepreneur
OUCH! D@mmit what the &"%*!, Inc.
Okay, the meeting today with Ms. TRUMP didn't go exactly as planned. Our name, well, isn't exacty corporate. However, we will make the best of what we've got, and win this task. Kiki is nearly impossible to work with, but if we can sort of delegate meaningless crap to her, we can probably pull this off. I think our animals will probably be the penguins and the seals, and we're keeping Tad sober.
johnnywang57
Nov 23, 2005 @ 9:25 pm
Ishaq: "No Bedazzling." erase "We should get them burqas so" erase "they do not offend Allah with" erase "showing their harlot skin" erase. "Giraffes are proud like" erase "American infidels so we" erase "should take them down a few" erase "pegs."
nubbs
Nov 25, 2005 @ 3:15 pm
Tad: OK, well, here are my ideas for the penguins. We leave the display more or less as it is. But we put a little HDTV screen showing highlights of March of the Penguins. Just the juicy stuff, you know, the courtship and the sex, the migration through the bitter cold, the male penguins *sniff* bravely guarding their eggs, and the little penguins emerging from their shells. What we won’t show is those Leopard Seals eating the penguins…*clenches fists* those bastards, who’d eat a cute, hungry little penguin *sniff*. Wipes away upwelling tears,composes himself. And we could give away coupons to buy March of the Penguins on DVD.
As for the giraffes, all I’ve come up with so far is ‘Don’t hate me because I am beautiful.’
Kiki: What?
Tad: What’s wrong with ‘Don’t hate me because I am beautiful’?
Kiki: I think that’s been used before.
Tad: You mean by that nitwit Audrey?
Kiki: No, by Vidal Sassoon.
Tad: He’s dead isn’t he? Bah, who cares?! We are on The Apprentice, we are immune to the normal laws of commerce and trade, and human interaction for that matter. Anyway, I think I’ve done enough. *Sits back looking very proud of himself*. 'Time for you to dazzle us with some ideas of your own Kiki!'
Steven: Mmmmfmmmfmmmff.
Tad: Steven, what the hell are you trying to say?
Steven: MMMMFMMMFMMMFF!
Tad catches glimpse of someone slipping a doll closely resembling Steven into a faux boa shoulder bag.
Tad: 'What the ….'
bpd
Nov 27, 2005 @ 2:48 pm
(Jim camterviews from in front of the monkey house)
Jim: I thought it would be a good use of my time to get a feel for some of these animals and really get to the heart of where they're coming from.
--FLASHBACK--
(Jim thoughtfully nods as a chimp fires feces at a zookeeper.)
Jim (VO): It wasn't until I spoke with a rhesus monkey that I got a real sense of some of his concerns.
(Jim holds up a copy of Darwin's "On the Origin of the Species". The monkey shreiks and cowers under his food dish.)
--FLASHBACK ENDS--
Jim: So I went back to the team and pitched them on monkeys being fans of the intelligent design theory.
(Jim shoots from the hip in a small conference room as the team listens. He tries gamely to keep from ogling Dasha. No dice.)
Jim: And we could play on that whole, er... red estate thing. Give the monkeys signs about how their cousins aren't humans... that kind of thing.
nubbs
Nov 28, 2005 @ 8:29 pm
Tad: *erp*
Steven: Oh for God's sake, not again.
Tad: Sorry man, needed to get the creative juices flowing, so I thought I'd do a few shooters. Me and the brothers invented these, they are called Blue Nipples! They are made of Cassis, Vodka, and Cura - Cura - oh no...URRRRRRRRRRK!
Steven: Oh God, that's disgusting.
Tad: Don't be such a baby, it all went into the wastepaper basket.
Steven: It's wicker!
Tad: It certainly is. Now to the giraffes. I think I have it... 'Supermodels of the Serengeti'. URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK! Oh man, I am not in the form I was in at university. Anyway, if the audience is young and hip we can add 'But without a daily snoutful of white powder'. Get that reference to Kate Moss? Ha! One of my brothers slept with ...URRRRRRRRRRK!
StickyKeys
Nov 30, 2005 @ 3:18 am
SKTRUMP Sorry about my hiatus. Due to state and federal laws which prohibit the use of street pharmaceuticals, I was forced to spend some time um, "mentoring" inmates about the dangers of said drugs. You will be spending more time with me as I cannot move 100 yards from this building.
Your reviews will commence on Thursday night by the latest, your progress so far has been... spellbinding.
Continue!
johnnywang57
Nov 30, 2005 @ 9:49 pm
Ishaq: Check it out, I got one of those touchscreen display boards that I can write on. It's large to an ungodly degree, so I don't need to erase every time. It should be fun trying to lug it around everywhere though.
Anyway, about the task. We go ahead with my idea of burqas, and Tana was put in charge of designing them. Of course, stupid infidel with devil teeth decided to make with a pink and baby blue floral pattern! We just lucky Manhattan was out of shiny things, or they would certainly look like sinful Westernized Dogs. If we lose, I swear to Allah Tana will be fired. Ay-y-y-y-y-y!
nubbs
Dec 4, 2005 @ 12:10 am
Steven: 'Tad, Ishaq is on a rampage this morning. He went to use his communication thing, and the batteries were flat.'
Tad: 'His what?'
Steven: 'His communication tablet.'
Tad: 'Uh-oh, I thought it was an Etch-A-Sketch.'
Steven: 'He's pissed.'
Tad: 'I am the one who should be pissed, I spent two hours with my head pounding from last night trying to draw a penguin. You try drawing a compound curve with an Etch-A-Sketch.'
Steven: 'It wasn't an Etch-A-Sketch! Things were bad enough after you made that joke last night.'
Tad: 'What joke?'
Steven: 'The one where you said you walked into a 7-11 and asked for a curried Joe Louis.'
Tad bursts out laughing. 'God, that cracks my shit up everytime I tell that story.'
Steven: 'Anyway, he wasn't too keen on it. But I guess for now we should concentrate on our own team. She's been up all night sewing a penguin costume for her son. She looks like shit run over twice, but the costume is looking pretty good.'
Tad: 'That poor kid, he has sex on the brain. Did you see him last night? He kept trying to peek up Dharma's skirt.'
Steven: 'Uh, Tad, that was you. Punky asked you stop peaking up his mom's skirt.'
Tad: 'Ugh, I have to lay off the booze for a night or two. After we kick ass today, we'll all be in much better form.'
StickyKeys
Dec 5, 2005 @ 2:24 am
Hey you guys, I feel like such a jerk. I was so excited about doing this, and then I got a 2nd job and I'm pulling about 84 hours a week. SUCKS!
I'm going to have to sit this out, if someone else wants to take over feel free. I had absolutely no process whatsoever. Except that somehow SKTRUMP wins. I don't know how, work that out amoungst yourselves. I'll try to come back and see what's going on.