I wanted to start a thread about cliched TV dialogue, you know, those phrases that characters constantly say that no one ever in any part of the world says in real life, such as:

"You're a smart girl/boy. You figure it out."

When putting a baby to bed: "He/she went out like a light."

Soap operas are notorious for this, too.

I really hate it when a charcter says this;
"You just don't get it, do you? [exposition explaining what is really going on]"
I really hate it because the person saying that usually says it to the other person in a snotty tone, as if having the wool pulled over their eyes is their fault.

The tiredest one, that makes me want to throw things at the TV, is the one that takes the form:

[statement], [charactername]. [statement again].

"Count on it, Jack. Count on it."
"We'll get through this, Helen. We'll get through it."
"No way, George. No way."
"That I do, Bobby. That I do."

As soon as a TV character ends a sentence with the name of the person s/he's talking to, I start coaching, "Come on, resist! Don't say it again!" But they always do. It must be in The Hack Scriptwriter's Handbook, page 1.

"You don't know who you're dealing with, do you?"

"I know you can do it."

"One thing I can promise you is that you'll never see a child of yours in the governor's mansion because Michael....is....not....your.....son!!!"

Never watch CSI: Miami, then, 'cause that's three quarters of David Caruso's dialogue right there.

When a character is being introduced as someone's brother or sister, a stale old line is "Obviously, the _______ one" (prettier, younger, smarter, taller).

"That'll do, Pig. That'll do."

Little House on the Prairie was also notorious for that. "I don't know, Half-Pint. I don't know." She heard you the first time!

Sit, Ubu, sit

I dropped this bomb elsewhere on TWoP, but here's an old chestnut I think you might recall:

"Are you threatening me?" or "Is that a threat?"

With, of course, the reply:

"It's not a threat. It's a promise."

The phrase "You are so _____" Like "You are so busted" Or "You are so going to get it."

I hate when we get the annoying exposition dialogue or things of that nature:

"What are doing here Cousin Beth from Akron, Ohio aged 23?"
"Well, you know that [long explanation of things that the other character should already know]"

Yay for Supernatural not doing this.

"Oh, we can't accuse (So-&-So) of (such-&-such) -- we don't have any proof!"

(Wacky hijinx and/or extreme danger ensue as we try to GET said "proof.")

Yes -- you can accuse them -- the person/police/whomever you are not telling until you get the proof, may already be suspicious, or even HAVE said proof. And at least there will be another pair of eyes on So-&-So as "proof" is obtained!

"I don't know what to say."
"Say yes!"

And every time a woman is pregnant: "I'm late."
And the dumbass response from the father-to-be:
"For what?" Or, "No, you're not, you're just on time."
And the woman always says, "I'm regular as clockwork." I'm telling you, every woman on TV is regular as clockwork when it comes to their period.

The bread and butter of most soap operas, the never-ending question:

Questioner: "[Question asked]"
Close up of questionee.
Go to commercial.

Questionee: "Where do you get off asking [question repeated]"
Close up of questioner.
Go to commercial.

That baby can spin out for WEEKS!

The classic line that occurs when a woman goes into labor:

Woman: It's time.

man: Time for what?

Edited because Hanna-Reetta is absolutely right, and I have the attention span of a drunken gnat today.

"Charlie Collins! Class of '86! Haven't seen you in ten years! What are you doing here?"

Edited because, well, Penfold edited his/her posting.

I have never once, in all of the years I lived in Chicago or flew in and out of O'Hare Airport seen someone run to a curb calling "TAXI!" while holding their arm up in the air. Yes, people stand at the curb and signal for a cab ... but the "TAXI!" line seems to occur only on tv or the movies.

Absolutely. Supernatural is actually pretty well-written when you think about it. Or at least for a WB show that is.

But my favorite is when someone's being questioned, and the questioner totally hits the nail on the head. But the questionee is all, "I don't know what you're talking about." Every. Freakin. Time.

And they always do know what they're talking about. That's why it makes me crazy.

And I'm glad that Jack on 24 stopped with the, "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR???" stuff because it was WAY tired.

"Yeah, and it woulda worked, too if it weren't for you meddling (kids, journalists, mystery writers, forensic pathologists, etc.)."

"You can't fire me. I quit!"

"You shouldn't come. It's too dangerous."
"Just try and stop me."

"Tell me again why we're ...."

AAAAAAAGH! That irritates me NO END.

"We need to talk"

"Don't give up on me."
"Don't give up on us."
"Don't give out on me."

Useful for disintigrating relationships, dying strangers, and people who are doing physically challenging crap and are maybe (hopefully?) going to die on the side of a frozen mountain. Also, occasionally women in labor.

Also, anyone who uses classic or philosophical quotes when it is obvious that they don't understand the context in which the author / speaker was using them. Two of the worst offenders:
"To thine own self be true."
and
"I think, therefore I am." (Particularly annoying when modified, such as "I fish, therefore I am," etc.)

"Whose side are you on?"
"The victim's."

I swear to God, I've heard it on three different crime dramas. Let it die, writers.

Whenever something's bothering a kid or they're hiding something, they (the child) will say:

"I'm not hungry."

Persons A & B stage a major confrontation, revelation, or conversation with person C; it goes horribly wrong, with recrimination and tears, followed by C storming out.

A turns to B and says, "Well, that went well."

Cut to commercial.

Spoken out loud on every soap opera within earshot of the whole damn world after said character has committed a horrible crime/had an affair, etc.

"People can never know I (am pregnant with Billy Bob's baby and not Jimmy Joe's/killed Freddy Sue/poisoned Mom's drink/peed in the baptismal)".

That followed by someone walking into the room and not hearing a word of that confession.

Just thought of another one:

"Can I see you in the kitchen/other room?"

Closely related to "Can you give us a minute?"

"What have you done with the girl?" usually followed soon after by "Let her go--she doesn't know anything/she has nothing to do with this."

Dad to date: any version of "I have a loaded rifle"

The worst:

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

That drives me nuts, too! I thought I was the only one.

Also, at funerals:
"What can we say about [person's name]."

I swear if anyone says this at my funeral, I'm leaping out of the coffin and strangling them.

When caught in a lie:

"This is not what it looks like."

When there's a breakup in a relationship the man say:

"It's not you, It's me"

"We can't keep doing this."

Who has said this? This sounds intreguing.

Scene: Two characters, complete opposites and possibly enemies, kiss.

Character one: What are we doing?
Character two: I...I don't know. :leans in for more kissing:

And...scene.

In alphabetical order, the two most tiresome words in television:

1. Freeze!
2. Stat!

Or being two feet away and not hearing a word. (I'm looking at YOU, Days!)

Also from soaps, there's this little gem:

Character A is keeping a secret from Character B. Character A sucks at keeping secrets and is acting all twitchy and upset.

B: It's OK, I know what's bothering you.
A: (shocked) You do? (long stare as we go to commercial)

After the commercial, B proceeds to mention something that has absolutely nothing to do with A's secret. As soon as B is out of earshot, A breathes a sigh of relief that his/her secret is still safe. Until February/May/November sweeps, that is.

After a traumatic event: "I just want to get on with my life!"

I really don't have anything to add here except that as soon as I read that, the following conversation from Seinfeld came to mind:

A woman is trying to break up with George...

Woman: It's not you, it's me.

George: What do you mean, "it's not you, it's me?" Don't give me the "it's not you, it's me." I invented "it's not you, it's me." If it's anyone, it's me.

Woman: Alright, George, it's you.

George: Thank you!

Speaking of which, most tv break-ups are so annoying partly because tv writers only use the same 3 or 4 lines. I haaaaate..."I just can't do this anymore." "Do what?" "This...us." I swear, I have seen that on two or three shows and every soap opera, of course.

I hate "Something meaningful, character name, something meaningful."

Almost as much as I hate, when tow characters have just had a heartfelt, long, in-depth conversation wher A has given B some advice or words of wisdom that will change B's life. Then, after everything's been said, and A is almost out the door, THIS will be when B decides the time is right for:

A: B?

B: Turns around Yeah?

A: Thanks.

"There's no way you'll ever talk me into this."

Later...

"I can't believe you talked me into this."

Is it tired dialogue if the tired part is wordless?

A and B, formerly in love but now committed elsewhere, have a meaningful conversation in which they acknowledge that they cared for each other once, but now it's over, they've moved on, and A is happy to be with C, the true love of his/her life. They confirm their agreement with a farewell hug and/or kiss.

And at that exact moment, C walks by the open door and misinterprets everything.

What about the sarcastic, "Could you BE more harsh?" Or, "Could you be MORE harsh?" Always with the emphasis. It's so hilarious. Not.



Hee! That one's pretty good tho.

"To be or not to be, that is the question." Sooo overused.

"Call me Ishmael." That is also unbelievably overused on TV shows and comics. Because apparently, everyone reads Moby Dick.



LMAO! I thought of the exact same thing! Also - later on when they're at a restaurant, the lip reader Laura sees a couple breaking up.
Jerry: "What are they saying?"
Laura: "It's not you, it's me."
I think Seinfeld played a lot on this type of stereotype dialogue on television.

In reference to quitting, having sex, leaving, pretty much anything at all:

'Are you sure you want to do this?'