What was the one burn/insult that you relished the most on television? You know, when someone delivered someone else a smackdown that they so deserved?

For me, most of the best burns are on That 70's Show. Especially the ones delivered to Kelso.

April from Big Brother 6: "The fans that watch this show are all pieces of shit."

Was this thread created for House?

Med Student: you're reading a comic book.

House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low cut blouse. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Buffy to Spike: "Your beneath me."

Ouch.

Everyone seems to enjoy "House", yet the above exchange reminds me so much of Dr. Cox on "Scrubs", that I must insist that John C. McGinley be put in some kind of "Burn Hall of Fame".

I suppose Julia Sugarbaker's "Designing Women" retort to Suzanne ("If sex were fast food, there'd be an arch over your bed") would be a good burn - even if it were just a retread from "Filthy Rich". It is a funny line, though.

From "Friends", when Rachel was going to London to tell Ross she loved him, and had told the story to random airplane passenger, the other passenger, clearly annoyed by her prattle, concluded his remarks by saying "and it's quite obvious that you were on a break." I like that little taste of "so there".

Nothing, though, pleased me more than when Edith Bunker got in a good one on Archie. TV wives today are so cavalier with the insults that they come off like bullies. However, when Archie just went so far with it that Edith had enough, it was GOLD.

And I believe that other passenger was played by Hugh Laurie, now appearing as Dr. House, so he's a twofer right on the first page.

Desperate Housewives may be crap in its purest form at times, but it does have some awesome moments. There was a a great "Ooo, burn" moment that went something like:

Maisy: My friends have all abandoned me... I guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree (pleasant, smiling): Oh, honey. They didn't abandon you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

And then she took her muffins back and left her in prison. Marcia Cross does catty bitchiness really well.

How can you forget the "Rex cries when he ejaculates" line??

Oh, The Odd Couple had some fabulous ones! Classic, kill-me-dead lines. For example:

Oscar is angry at Murray the cop, played by Al Molinaro, whose giant schnoz was legendary: "I'd break his nose, but I've only got two hands."

Felix to Murray: "Murray, come in! You're breathing up all the air in the hall."

The guys appear on the game show "Password," and Felix is giving Oscar esoteric clues that no one would be able to figure out, but which Felix believes are incredibly clever. Oscar tells him: "Great clues? If Charlie Chan had these clues, he'd be running a laundry."

Felix, once again complaining about Oscar's notoriously messy room, picks up a newspaper from the floor and reads, "Well, whadda ya know, Lucky Lindy made it!"

Howard Cosell guests on the show. Oscar makes him angry and Howard says, "Don't worry, Madison, maybe someday someone will ask you to endorse something, like illiteracy."

Oscar is a guest on a talk show, and ends up making fun of Felix's cleanliness, so he tells the host: "The Germans gave him a medal for the most hygienic barracks." (Watching it at home with Murray, Felix yells at the TV, "I threw it in their faces!")

The guys are discussing gliding, going up in a plane without an engine.
Felix: "Why would a man do a thing like that?"
Oscar: "Why would a man shampoo a rug three times a week?"

Wolfman Jack (any other fossils remember him, the famous NYC deejay?) listens to Felix's original song, "Happy and Peppy and Bursting with Love," and says "Man, I dig sound, I dig all kinds of sounds, but your song brought me down."

When the guys are planning a costume for "Let's Make a Deal," Oscar puts a police hat and a Groucho nose-and-glasses on Felix and says, "You can go as Murray's younger brother!"

I happened to kind of like "Married, With Children," so I always found it funny when Kelly would show signs of intelligence and wit only when insulting Bud.

"Zit-Tac-Toe." Hee.

From Cheers:

Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?
Sam: No.
Diane: The fat, braying ass would.


Ha!

The quote that sent Boobs McChesty flying from Smallville, back when it still had some semblance of quality:

"Sleeping with me was just business? Then I'd hate to think what that makes you."

Seinfeld has a lot of good ones. Like in "The Pez Dispenser" when George talks about having "hand", i.e. power in a relationship.

Noelle: *I* am breaking up with *you*.
George: You can't break up with me! I've got hand!
Noelle: And you're gonna need it.

Cracks me up every time.

From Blackadder (the Cavalier Years one-off special I think):

Blackadder- 'Baldrick, your brain is like the two-headed man eating fish beast of Aberdeen'
Baldrick- 'In what way?'
Blackadder- 'It doesn't exist'.

And from 'Vic Reeves Big Night Out'

Lister- 'You know what I hate most about you, Reeves?'
Vic Reeves- 'No, what?'
Lister- 'Your top half!'

I personally love every insult every on Arrested Development, but this exchange between Lucille and Lindsay kills me every time. My favorite one:

They're at a restaurant, and some sort of flambe has just been placed before them:

Lucille: You might want to wait for the fire to go out before shoving your face in it.
Lindsay: Ah, that’s funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you’re soaked in alcohol.
Lucille: Mine was better.

That last line cracks me up. If House owns this thread, Lucille should at least tie.

One of my all time favorites from Frasier-
(Niles and Frasier having an argument)
Niles: Are you insane?!
Frasier: If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!


And then there's this classic from Letterman's show-
CHER: No. Actually, I don't know, because I thought that I would never want to do this show with you.
LETTERMAN: Now why? Now, let's explore this a little. Why, because you thought I was --
CHER: An asshole.

From the "Hot Dogs" episode of Veronica Mars:
Veronica: You prank called Mandy?
Idiot: What if I did?
Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.
Idiot: Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?

Dracula to Xander: You are strange and off-putting.

Some of my favorties came from Maxine and Kyle on Living Single:

Max (Christmas eppy): Hey Kyle! I've got some mistletoe in my backpocket. Why don't you kiss my ass!

Max: Kyle, if you open my little black book, your face will melt like wax. It's that whole Raiders of the Lost Ark thing.
Kyle: I'll take my chances. After all, I've seen you in the morning and survived.


Kyle: I researched my family history and found out that my great great grandfather invited the prototype for the first sippable straw!
Max: So basically, your family has sucked for generations.

I use that all the time.

If we're gonna talk Seinfeld, I'm going to have to go with Teri Hatcher's character when ditching Jerry. It had been previousely argued whether her boobs were real.

"Oh and by the way, their real. And Spectacular."

Let us not forget Fawlty Towers and John Cleese, master of the cold-blooded, deadpan put-down.

Hotel guest: This was supposed to be my table; I did ask the waiter.
Fawlty: Well, he's hopeless, isn't he? You might as well ask the cat.

Fawlty has been secretly betting on the horses and won a load of cash. His wife stumbles onto him caressing his winnings and reads him the riot act:
Sybil: You know what I'll do if I find out that money is yours?
Fawlty [calling after her as she stalks angrily away]: You'd have to sew 'em back on first.

To his wife,about something: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject -- the bleeding obvious.

On the phone to a contractor: Hello?... Ah, yes, Mr O'Reilly. Well, it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile, you might have found time to cement them together. You know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

My favorite burn is from Guiding Light, when Roger showed up unexpectedly at Nick and Mindy's engagement party while Alexandra was giving a toast to the happy bride and groom to be. She got distracted from her toast and instead went into this speech about how some people could be awful and heartless, all while looking directly at Roger. Then a riot broke out at the party because everyone in town hated Roger. Mostly the exchange is all a bunch of childish namecalling, but when you consider the fact that both parties are around 50-60 years old, it's totally hilarious.

Alex: (speech speech speech)...so may you go to Hell tomorrow, Roger!
Roger: I'll take Hell any day, it's got to beat marriage to you. That's what this is all about. Why don't you tell the good people why you hate me so much? Why you're so unhappy with your son's choice of a wife? Tell 'em, come on! You just can't stand losing yet another man to Mindy Lewis's bed!
Nick: Shut up, Thorpe!
Dylan: Roger, you slime! You satisfied?
Roger: (throws Dylan off the balcony) Come on! Let's talk about this. Let's talk about this subpeona I've just been handed, you know, the big battle for Spaulding? Nothing more than the raging sexual jealousy of a woman scorned! She can't forgive me for leaving her bed for Mindy's, and I don't think there's an honest man in this joint who could blame me!
Alex: You (clanker?)! All you have ever cared about in your whole life was power!
Roger: Yeah, and you loved the power I had over you! Didn't you? You thought I was your last chance at happiness. You know what? I was! Who have you now?
Alex: Happiness? With you? You couldn't make a dog happy!
Roger: I sure had a dog's life with you and how you put me through tricks, lady! Been dragging me into your bedroom all hours of the day to service you!
Alex: Well, it's too bad you weren't up to the job. All you ever wanted was someone to stroke your MASSIVE EGO!
Roger: Yeah right, well I'd get more comfort from a toothless street whore than I ever got from you!
Alex: Because the whores you picked to sleep with didn't give you any comfort, did they?
Roger: Woah Nick, did you hear what Mom just called your bride-to-be?
Nick: Shut up, Thorpe!
Alex: (slaps Roger)
Roger: (slaps Alex)

Ah, good times. I miss Michael Zaslow/Roger Thorpe so much.

Another favorite is a line from Holly shortly after Roger's death. His son, Sebastian, is telling her how good it felt when she hugged him earlier, and he's describing it in the most odd way, as if her touch was some sort of healing power.

Holly: Should I tell you how bizarre that sounds or would you like me to remain polite?

"Don't go thinking about me while I'm gone."

"I wasn't thinking about you while you were here."

That is all.

Some of my favorites are between Karen Walker and Beverley Leslie on Will & Grace. One example --

Beverley to Karen: I see you're here all alone now that your husband is in the Big House.

Karen: Oh, every house is a big house to you!

From Blackadder Back and Forth (which, I'm sorry, I love to death):

Baldrick, while helping Blackadder with a prank, accidentally builds a working time machine. Blackadder notes that this makes him the greatest genius on Earth. Then he finds out that Baldrick was too lazy to put numbers on the destination date section, so they can't get home. "Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Balders."

Luka to Abby on "ER", when they were breaking up:

"You're not so pretty. You're not so special."

Blackadder owns this thread.

"he's the most overrated person since Judas Iscariot won the AD 30 best Apostle award."

"For the past 3 years the western front has been about as likely to move as a Frenchman living next to a brothel..."

"Feild Marshall Haig was looking for ways to improve morale."
"His resignation and suicide would be an ideal solution."

Years ago on ATWT, as Lucinda and a male character (forget his name) discuss a situation with town tramp Emily:

Man: Why don't you give her another chance?
Lucinda: NO! She's been given lots of chances and blown them all. And NOT figuratively.

Whoa.

ROTFLMAO.

Oh, yes, Blackadder! Those Brits do know their way around an insult. And Rowan Atkinson can deliver a line like nobody's business.

Blackadder: What are you wearing around your neck?
Percy: Ah! It's my new ruff!
Blackadder: You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well, don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick--you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Prince George: Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life.
Blackadder: Tell me all, sir.
Prince George: Well, as you know, when I set out, I looked divine. At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
Blackadder: And, I daresay, quite a few stomachs.

Blackadder: They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet, Ploppy, you are, without a doubt, the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.

Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating, haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackaddr: It doesn't exist.

One of my favorites is from an early episode of Frasier when Sam shows up. It's revealed that Frasier slept with Sam's fiance, Sheila.

Roz: You slept with her?
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

From Seinfeld:

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

From Titus:

[Tommy is lying on Titus's porch]
Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
Tommy: I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Because this thread has to have a couple of quotes from Roseanne:

Becky: Look what I found!
Darlene: Your virginity; No wait, you left that behind the dumpster at K-Mart.

Jackie: Oh, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne... what do you need flashlights and candles for? [She turns on the blender switch and it doesn't come on.] Ohhhhhhhh.
Roseanne: Well, we don't know when we'll get lights back, but at least now we know the speed of STUPID.

Whose Line Is It, Anyway? was always full of lovely jokes about Colin's lack of hair. However, my favorite insult from that show was about Ryan. Colin and Ryan were in a game where Ryan was only allowed to use two lines, one of which was, "What do I look like, a doctor?" Towards the end of the sketch, Colin got frustrated and responded with:

"I'll tell you what you look like! You look like a big stick with a big nose on it!"

At the end of that show, Colin and Ryan did an entire "Improbable Mission" sketch based on insulting themselves and each other. It had me in tears.

Ryan: "I've got a stick-like body! Ski on me!"
Colin: "For God's sake, lift your head! Your nose is slowing us down!"

Edited because HTML doesn't work here.

From This Life, when Anna (Daniella Nardini) and Miles (Jack Davenport) are arguing in the street after she's caught him flirting with another girl.

Miles: You just want to cut my balls off!
Anna: Oh, I'd have to find them first!

And word on the earlier mention of Karen Walker and Beverley Leslie's put-downs on Will & Grace.

Karen: Shouldn't you be in your tree, making cookies?

Beverley: Karen Walker....I thought I smelled gin and regret.

Karen: Beverley Leslie.....you look more like a woman every time I see you.

BondGirl, I bet you anything that Elizabeth Hubbard ad-libbed that. She's famous for that kind of thing.

I was always fond of this one burn on All My Children from Greenlee to Kendall: “You’ll never go broke as long as there’s a lamppost that you can stand under.”

One of my favorites, esp since the last two years of ER were all about how wonderful Abby was. I know the show and Luka went to hell after that (I started watching WoaT) but that moment? Gold.

"God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch?" I will love this quote forever. Also, Kelso had a funny way of screaming "BURN!" out of nowhere.

That "wasn't thinking about you while you were here" quote from Angel is one of the coldest ever.

The one I think of the most came from Designing Women (boy, there were a lot on that show!). An acquaintance of Julia's just made a hideous and jaw dropping statement about people with AIDS. Julia's response--very loud with disgust dripping in her voice:

"Imogene, come on! I've known you for 20 years now and all I can say is that if God were handing out sexually transmitted diseases as punishment for sex, you'd be at the free clinic all the time."

A "hell yeah" moment and terrific insult if I've ever heard one.

Another one, a bit more light hearted, from WKRP in Cincinatti. Herb flirting with Jennifer again.

Herb, in what he percieves as a sexy voice and body language: "You know, you only go around once in this crazy life. Why not grab a little gusto while you're at it?"

Jennifer, very cooley: "I don't go for little gustos, Herb."

From Night Court, about Bull:

"You really think you can trust something like this to a man who moves his mouth when he thinks?"

Murray let out some great ones about Ted on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"Why does everyone insist on calling cue cards idiot cards?"
"We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue."

From an episode of Brit comedy Red Dwarf:

"What am I supposed to say? Rimmer, did you know you're about as popular as a horny dog in a Miss Lovely Legs competition?"

Does anybody remember when Angel dumped Buffy after they slept together because he reverted back to Angelus in "Innocence", I remember being just as shattered as Buffy, especially after she asked if we was good and he said that even though it was her first time:

"Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro"

and "You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night."

I remember, Kiran. And Ouch, now there's a burn.

From Friends, after Joey says something dumbass:
Chandler: "You're supposed to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!"

And the best one from That 70's show:
Eric's sister to Jackie: "You'd better watch your back."
Jackie: "And maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on yours!"
And then Kelso, of course: "BURN!"

From SNL's parody of Jeopardy:
Alex Trebek to Minnie Driver: "Are you British or retarded?"

Sigh. I love this topic already. Keep 'em coming people!

Cordy from BTVS had a ton of 'em- like from Episode 1:

"Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side
of Sears."

OH, SNAP!

Speaking of Cordelia, this one between her and Xander is great. Can't even remember the title of the ep, but Xander's bugging Cordy to give him a lift in her car.

Cordelia: "What am I, mass transportation?"

Xander: "Well, that's what some of the guys at school say, but I try to put that down to just being locker room talk."

Actually, the "are you British or retarded?" was directed at Bjork in the final CJ sketch. My fave: "What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? I can't remember how that ends, but your mother's a whore."

One of my favourites from Buffy is this gem from Giles when he goes to an American Football game.

Giles:I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

When I first heard it, I laughed so much. I don't understand American Football but I have the same opinion.

Patsy on AbFab

She was so anal retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

That was one of my favorite slams ever! He was on his first date with Jenny Calander to the "big game".

Second favorite....

Giles to Wesley in The Prom (regarding his wanting to ask Cordelia to dance): For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about. Then he just walks away.

While watching the second season of All in the Family on DVD, I noticed that quite a few episodes had some of Archie's favorite insults thrown back at him. The best was a feminist friend of Edith's: "We have a word for people like you where I come from. You, Mr. Bunker, are a meathead!"