This year was kind of meh for reality, wasn't it? This is my fourth year of doing this, and all Christmas weekend I was thinking of an in, a way of introducing this topic by digesting all the reality shows I've seen and make a sweeping throughline that precisely describes all of them. But I really can't remember much of them. I guess that means the genre really has come of age; if there's a huge bell curve of mediocre dramas and comedies, the time had to come for reality to reach that level of stasis as well.

Anyhoo, I'm giving out these year-end Reality Television Awards to celebrate and/or ridicule the year that was, TWoP-style. I leaned a lot on what y'all think, but it is my final call. Thus, I demand that you disagree with me and, if you want to come up with some other categories of your own, please do so. Three other things you should now. First, unless I made a mistake, I start from January 1, 2004, so if a particular event or quote happened on a show before then, I don't count it. Second, I confine these RTA's to competitive reality because the other types don't interest me. Last, I left out Real World: [insert city here] and Joe Schmo 2 because, as some of you already know, I don't have cable, and that situation hasn't changed this year.

I'm typing this as I go, and I hope to be enterprising enough to update this regularly until my thoughts run out. I hope you guys like it enough to comment. I start with the big one:

Show of the Year: The Amazing Race 5

Is there any other choice? This show continues to deftly balance the pulse-racing competition with the dramedy of the relationships as they try to help and battle each other advance around the world. The sixth edition was firing on all cylinders and reached new peaks: beatified teams to root for; spawn from hell to root against; teams (Mirna and Charla, to wit) that were both; locales you thought TAR had already been to; gorgeous cinematography; Detours and Roadblocks that hewed more to the essence of that particular country (even to the point of stereotype); and holy-shit! moments, mostly -- okay, totally -- courtesy of Colin. Best of all, it's not exactly right, but in a period of ho-hum winners and endings in reality TV, it's good to see that the team you want to win actually bleepin' wins. I saw the finale at a restaurant in St. Paul with other fellow TWoPpers, and when the van carrying Chip and Kim drove into the frame, I got so excited I was doing this thing were I was hugging and simultaneously jumping up against people I don't know well enough to do such a thing to. Essentially, I was dry-humping strangers -- and I was loving it! Shit, when was the last time Survivor did that?

More to come later ...

Hate to rain on your parade, but it was TAR5, not TAR6. Right now, TAR6 is shaping up to be the crappiest of the creamy goodness that is TAR, since all of the booted teams were nice.

Worst Finale: Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet

It had been a good season...Sarah had battled her own team to stay in the game, Mike fell in love with Trishelle, and both sides were ready to go in one last mission. And the thing that ruined it? A spider.

Okay, some doubt the spider's existance. From what the show tells us, the spider bit Coral, who was allergic. She huffed and puffed along the obstacle course, as Mike (her alledged good buddy) yelled at her. How bad was she? She needed an Epi-Pen for an adereline boost before going to the hospital. I'm telling you, Coral made not be the total badass she thinks she is, but watching her writhe on the ground was painful. And Mike was all, "You telling me Sarah's stronger than you?!?" Grrrr.

Long story short: the Road Rules team manages to win. While RW's Alton and Norman were able to keep perspective about Coral's collapse, Mike and Nathan (a total buttboy if there ever was one) bitched and moaned about Coral and how she cost them more money. This took away from what was supposed to be the triumphant moment: Sarah surviving fifteen missions to win her share of the big prize AND a car. Coral has since lost a Challenge and (as of this writing) managed to survive Battle of the Sexes 2 so far. But watching her almost die took a big chunk from her mystique...and exposed Mike and Nathan as the sore losers they truly are.

Honorable Mention: Last Comic Standing 3

I didn't see it. Why? I had to choose between this and something else, and I messed up recording it the next day on Comedy Central. It wasn't their fault...NBC decided that showing Father of the Pride was waaaaaaaay more important than showcasing the winner of the "all-star" battle, which had Alonzo Bodden beating LCS2 champ John Hefferon, funny scumbag Rich Vos, and TWoP fave Dave Mordal. Good comics all...not like the clusterfuck that was LCS1's finale (Dat winning I liked...Ralphie? Not so much). But NBC cancelled the show. Thanks, NBC!

The Apprentice 2

Let's see...90-plus minutes of two people performing that made us yearn for the days of Bill and Kwame. Then comes the live finale, where everybody lines up to stroke Kelly, while Jennifer M. just sits there, taking it. Okay, she was with the Coven, but she deserved a little better. Just a textbook example on how NOT to end a season, especially one as bad as TA2.

Thanks for taking notice of the number. And I'm a self-styled expert on reality.

Due to length constraints, I wasn't able to put the other best shows in my first post. So I'm doing that now.

Runners-Up:

• The Apprentice: The good season -- remember when? This is probably the most well-known of the "practical" shows, competitions where the winner not only receives a prize but, at least presumably, exposure and experience they can apply to his or her life. The greatest aspect of the show's brilliance is that it attracted smart, confident, ambitious and well-spoken contestants, and you usually don't get that combination in reality TV. They were given menial, even thankless tasks (selling lemonade, managing a Planet Hollywood) and forced to come up with creative ways to make money and impress the suits. And when the Boardroom came, they were not afraid to eloquently defend themselves while at the same time tearing down his or her opponent. Donald Trump finally reaped the seeds of shameless self-promotion he has sown for a generation now; his needy bitches lapped up every insult hurled their direction by a man they've admired since they were in diapers. And along the way he even incorporated a two-word catchphrase that, last time I checked, was used by everybody. Add Mark Burnett's polish and the O'Jays, and you had one hell of a ride from Winter/Spring 2004.
  
• Fear Factor: Couples: Hear me out. I don't respect this show, and I try not to watch it when I'm eating dinner. But the seven-episode run of this program showed how engrossing (pun not intended) FF could be with serialization. They copied the TAR formula to a T: Use the stress of competing for a million bucks to reveal and develop the true nature of relationships between couples. I became admirers of the workmanlike winners, Jackson and Monica; rooted for James and Meghan, the high-school looking duo who seemed to always go first on a stunt and who seemed to always scrape by eliminations to survive to the end; and I questioned if the combustible Adam and Meg -- oh my gawd, Meg -- would just split up and walk out during a stunt. The great feature about this show is that you can just flip through channels and suddenly stuck to check out someone trying eat an African cave-dwelling spider. But FF: C took a chance that people would want to keep coming back to see the same people over and over again, and it reaped massive critical success. Can't wait for the second edition in a couple weeks.
  
• America's Next Top Model 2: Tyra Banks, deftly walking the model-thin line between den mother and executioner. Endless discussions on how these pretty young things are "pretty" but not "model pretty" -- and it somehow makes sense. The outsize characters of Janice Dickinson and J. Alexander. The bitchfight between the paranoid eventual winner Yoanna and the soul-dead, tearduct-less Camille. Shandi and her questionable decisions. And the crying, oh, the crying.
  
• The Amazing Race 6: This is shaping up to be the season of Hardbodies Screaming At Each Other, but all the other factors are in place for yet another great run: beautiful locales, strategy and drama and laughs in the same scene, postcard-perfect cinematography, and moments of human weakness and human resolve. A lot of the favorites -- okay, just Jonathan -- are pricks, but the torturous Roadblocks seem to be levelling everyone in the race so far, whether it's unrolling bales of hay or counting widgets from IKEA.

Best Finale: The Amazing Race 5

It had been one helluva week for TAR. First came the Yielding of Colin and "My ox is broken!" Then Charla and Mirna popped up on Mad TV. Then TAR won its second Emmy, sending Trump into a hissy fit. So what was left for a NY-based fanboy to do but head to TARCon and celebrate the end with my fellow fans? And we were not dissapointed.

Editors give us one binocular lens view when Brandon lefts a cap on. Chip trying to fake out Brandon and Nicole with "Shucks!" The last stand of Linda and Karen, as Colin tears through the Roadblock. The Philimination of the Moms, as fans suffer allergic reactions resulting in eyes watering up. Chip: "It's on like Donkey Kong!" The first stop ever in Canada. Nicole fucks up the ski biking. Chip and Kim mess up the luge, but catch the mother of all breaks, as the other teams' flights are delayed. "I'm just chillin' like a villain!" The vital ten-minute lead strains as Chip and Kim negotiate a maze (a step up from last season's finale). Earl the Evil Cabbie driving on the shoulder for Colin. And finally...Chip and Kim arriving at the park first, winning the big money. With respect to Esquire, Boston, FloZach and Chipsters...the good guys...the almost-universally beloved team...finally won. And while the nicer teams in TAR6 might have been eliminated as a result of a balancing backlash, fans got the ending they wanted...Chip and Kim winning the Race....even if it meant Chip insisted on hugging the Twins.

Honorable Mention

Joe Schmo 2: The great parody of reality shows came to an end, as Tim and Amanda outlasted their fictional rivals for the hearts of Piper and Austin. But the bachelor and bachelorette decide to get married to each other instead. And as they come come to exchange their vows, Brice (the stalker character whom Tim had dubbed "Cruiser") dropped the bomb...they were all actors. Tim went "Yeah, right"...then his jaw dropped as the truth was finally revealed. While Tim's "Jackpot!" pales to Matt Kennedy Gould's "What is going on??!!!?" (recently homaged in Drawn Together), the reaction remained the same. The rest of the ep let Tim and Amanda in on all the secrets...including Ingrid's defection from Schmo to actress. Perfect ending to a great season...too bad Spike TV has rocks in their heads, or else they would've called for a third season.

Survivor: All-Stars: The season sucked eggs, don't get me wrong. But when you get seven angry jury members, there's a shitload of fun to be had. Lex bitches out Rob about his betrayal. Kathy weeps like a sea cow. Alicia acts more indignant than usual. Rupert...oh, who cares? Ditto with Jenna. Shii Ann busts chops on her fellow jury members. And Tom shows what a class act he is by offering to shake hands with Rob, then pulling the hand away and barking, "Don't be stupid, stupid!" In the end, Rob suffered the fate of his beloved pre-Idiot Red Sox, losing the vote 4-3 to girlfriend Amber. But Rob got a car, Amber's hand in marriage, the possiblity of a televised wedding and (if the rumors are true) a slot in the next season of The Amazing Race 7. Not bad for a guy who didn't even make the jury in his season.

(What? Rupert winning a million bucks? That didn't happen. Yes, I do own real estate in de Nile. Why do you ask?)

Rob and Amber are going to be on TAR7? Please, God, no.

Is it just going to be you and me, Lantern7? Do people think this forum is another -- gulp -- reality show?

Worst Show of the Year: News flash: It is not The Swan. It is one of the worst, if only for the host alone, but if you treat it the right way, it can serve as commentary. Overlooked in all the plain Janes that think they're more hideous than the Elephant Man is the reasons behind it. We live in a culture, in a time, where you are constantly measured against other people in a mythical search for perfection. And if you ain't first, baby, you don't belong, so you might as well lock yourself inside your house till you drop dead. Mix society's encoded message of inferiority with a consumer zeitgeist of the quick fix, and no wonder these women think that by changing what's on the outside, they can cure whatever's wrong with them inside.

I held my dinner as I watched Season 1's pageant. After noting that all the "Swans" look the same and none of them were much better than what God gave them, the first feeling I mustered was pity. (Aside: One overarching theme of 2004 Reality was its pretty disgraceful portrayal of women. You could say the women of The Swan are pathetic nutcases, those of The Bachelor desperate housewife-wannabes, those of The Apprentice catty bitches, etc., and you would have a point. But are we (society, not just TWoP) really calling out men for making fools of themselves the same way I think we are for women? Why are we trashing Jasmine Trias for her bad singing but giving John Stevens IV a pass because he's cute like Conan O'Brien? And where are the nasty nicknames for the men of The Apprentice?) I felt glad to see them smile; they've finally let go of their self-hate by believing they got a sent-from-heaven new existence. But I then got angry at the show for exploiting these fragile psyches when they know damn well their huge ratings are due to schandenfreude and freak-show curiosity. And then I got angry at the world for making these women feel bad about themselves when there wasn't a single goddamn thing wrong with them.

And then I realized: I was thinking more constructive thoughts about this sign of the apocalypse than the real Worst Show of the Year: Average Joe 2: Hawaii. First of all, what's with the title? Was there a need to differentiate it from Average Joe 2: Tashkent? The season was too long, and there were so many fucked-up "twists" ("Oh, look, it's an exploding canoe! Wow, getting him to use an underwater submarine to spy on her date was fuckin' genius!") that this season jumped the sharked at least three times during it. Pretty-boy suitors introduced during the middle of the season held the promise of Helm's Deep-deep war between them and the Average Joes (and yes, I was rooting for the AJ's because I am one of them; I might have low self-esteem, too, but I blame society!), but guys being guys, they decided just to toss back beers and talk about the physical characteristics of bland beauty queen Larissa Meek. The final twist -- "You once dated Fabio! Diseased! Fuck you! You should go on The Swan and remake your entire face, ho!" -- was less a parody of reality TV than a stupid insult to the audience. This show's greatest sin, however, was the bucket full of water dashing the dreams of millions of homely men. Can a beauty find love with an average Joe? Emphatically, the show says, the answer is FUCK. NO.

I saw that on VH1's reality countdown. Basically, my reaction was, "Are you fucking KIDDING me?" Whatever...I'll stick to the Challenges on Monday nights.

Worst Host: Jay Mohr, Last Comic Standing

Seriously, how can a host be as sad as those he offiicates...especially when they include Todd Glass, Bonnie McFarlane, Ralphie May and ANT, for God's sake?!? Nope, we gotta listen to Mohr's over-the-hill schtick in a desperate attempt to not go on The Surreal Life for a career boost.

Honorable Mention? Hmmmmm....that's a tough one. Lack of watching the excessingly crappy shows kinda hinders me. Ah! Got one!

Dave Mirra: This host of The Inferno did the impossible: made me miss Jonny "Big Airhead" Moseley. Seriously, a big plank of wood would've been a better choice to host. Mirra might be able to BMX on water and do insane tricks, but he was so not there as a host. As least with Jonny, you can hope for a pot overdose.

Well, I'm here with the special presentation for the Milking the Concept Dry award.

This one goes to Forever Eden. Hey, let's take the original concept of the cult hit Paradise Hotel, only let's populate it with even bigger famewhores. With fewer redeeming qualities! And put in the press releases that the show has no end!

Except it did. 7 episodes later. Though we can only hope that no one ever told the "stars" of the show and that they are all still out there...away from normal people.

"Honorable" mention #1 goes to The Apprentice 2. Way to sell out the concept, Mr. Trump.

#2 goes to the RW/RR Challenge series of series. They just won't stop coming back. I guess it's better than looking for a real job...

As long as I'm thinking about it...

Saddest Farewell: The Mole

It breaks my heart thinking about this. TM was brought in during the heady reality craze of 2001, another Euro import brought to the States. Fans endured a second season which stalled for nine months. Fans endured Stephen Baldwin and Corbin Berstein. And this year, fans endured...Stephen Baldwin and Corbin Berstein. Again. Only this time, they went out in a different order.

In all seriousness, Celebrity Mole: Yucatan was a good season...Mark Curry's mugging and Dennis Rodman's incoherrence paled to the celeb antics in any episode of The Surreal Life. Ahmad Rashad's main weaknesses were tobacco, booze, and any comparisons to Anderson Cooper. All in all, it was a good show, stuck on a network that leaned towards The Bachelor and other crap-ass programming.

It wasn't a huge surprise that ABC cancelled TM. It was the long-delayed occasion where the abusive spouse divorces the mate. But there was to be a second life...GSN (formerly the Game Show Network) aired Celebrity Mole: Hawaii and the first season. But as fans got ready for the second season, GSN pulled the plug. What did they air at night? Kenny vs. Spenny, Dog Eat Dog, Extreme Dodgeball, Average Joe, Star Search, etc. Depressing, right?

Re-opened. I don't mind multiple submissions in this relatively long-standing tradition but please space them out. Save something for later if you feel like posting right after the person who posted right after you (like one award chunk per page).

Worst casting people: The Amazing Race. Typically a Fox show would win this award. The history of reality tv is filled with Fox shows where casting directors made some huge screw-up like putting a couple that had a child on Temptation Island, or putting a woman who was already married on Married by America. However, this year the worst award goes to the people behind The Amazing Race. For once the show looked like it had caught a break. It had won the first ever best reality series Emmy, and was finally getting the advertising time it deserved. So what do they do? They cast Alison Irwin, the runner up of Big Brother 4.

Truly this was a baffling decision. Even putting aside the odiousness of putting a former reality star on the show when a major draw is usually how real and geuine everyone is, why Alison? She was universally despised both by viewers and her castmates on BB4. She even lost the game in a landslide vote to someone who had done some pretty nasty things herself. And it really doesn't seem like Big Brother was a big enough hit to justify the stunt.

Then on the next season they cast Jonathan Baker. From the first episode there were signs that he was mentally abusive towards his wfe and racing partner Victoria, and it quickly became clear that he is physically abusive as well. The psychiatric tests the racers go through prior to being cast are well known; how could they not have figured out this was going to happen? Or were they actually counting on the controversy he would create to draw more people in? Whatever the reasons, Jonathan has been a true blight on the show. He is constantly uncomfortable to watch and has put a damper on every episode he's been in.

Now there's news that Rob and Amber, the winner and runner up from Survivor All Stars, have been put on TAR7. It makes more sense than Alison as they're reasonably popular from their original show, but the whole thing still seems so unnecessary, plus every time they do this they're leaving a completely obscure pair of people who want to be on the show just as much out in the cold. I shudder to think of what may be coming next.

Best Reality Show Trend: canceling most of 'em.

It's apparently, finally, begun to dawn on producers and network suits alike that reality shows need to meet the same sort of standards as scripted endeavors: have an interesting concept, be well cast, competently produced, and expertly edited. Catchy credits/soundtrack and a website with engaging content wouldn't hurt, either.

I'm actually starting to believe that the days of reality producers being rewarded for throwing any old crap on screen are over. (Boarding House: North Shore, anyone? And by anyone, I mean Mark Burnett.)

Special honors on the stink-o-meter go to:

Forever Eden -- Mostly because Fox's press release claimed that: "If you want to stay and if you play your cards right, you could be on the air forever." The most unfortunate aspect is that Fox truly believed its viewers were that stupid.

Todd TV -- Yeah, the American public wasn't so much interested in watching, or voting on, the life of an unlikeable nobody doing nothing.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition -- Because instead of being about helping deserving families, its' turned into silly hijinks, faked conflict, and the builders outdoing themselves with even more extreme gadgets that nobody needs. And I still expect the IRS to lower the boom.

Bright Spot in an Otherwise Lackluster Year -- Project Runway, which entertainingly, and with just the right amount of bitchiness, showcases talented designers doing what they love.

Eegah, I think Rahmber still sucks -- and the CBS quid pro quo promotion isn't doing it any favors -- but it always seems as if there's one asshole or asshole team (Colin, the Guidos, Ian) that makes it onto the show. There are enough angels to balance out the devils, so I don't mind it. Jonathan is a dick, though.

Hi, queasy!

Almost Reached The Bottom -- Other Nominees For Worst Show of the Year:

• For Love Or Money 3 and For Love Or Money 4: The show that rose up from the swampy depths to rear its ugly head and bore us to death twice more. This shit has to be fake, I kept thinking inbetween bouts of unconsciousness due to boredom. However, TWoP correspondent Jessica did confirm my worst fears that all the bad acting really was real -- the eye rolling, the furrowed brows, the exhalations of stress. This show also twisted itself into utter confusion: If you made such a big deal about the checks at the beginning, why give them more checks that split into either all ($1 million) or nothing ($1)? (And wouldn't you know it, after much eye-rolling, brow-furrowing and stress-exhaling, they all took the new checks!) Why was there a second host, and where the fuck did she come from? And why aren't we surprised that, after Rachel chose Caleb and Caleb chose Rachel (by the way, nice way to signal that you're "taking a chance on love," Caleb -- crumpling up a check and throwing it away isn't cliche at all) and Rachel chose Caleb again and Caleb chose Rachel again, that Rachel dumped Caleb and then Caleb dumped Rachel? Or something? Please air Apprentice 2 instead of this dreck.
  
• Average Joe 3: Adam Returns: Where Adam Mesh, the hero of the first Average Joe, became what he despised by selecting the superficial but hot Samantha over the merely cute but more grounded Rachel. You're why women apply to The Swan, Meh!
  
• The Benefactor: The worst and most bewildering of the tycoon/philanthropist/pimp money giveaways. Basketball-team owner and Internet kingpin who won't grow up Mark Cuban selects the person whom he'll give a million bucks by using a game of Jenga, kids, and a shootaround of "Horse" (in this case, "Loser" for that added mean streak necessary in reality competitons). He said the tasks were ways to show they had what it took to be successful with his seed money; turned out they were only there to amuse the man-child. And "You just lost your shot at a million bucks" just doesn't roll off the tongue the way "You're fired!" does -- ain't that a bitch, Mark?
  
• Bachelor: Jesse: Good thing ABC finally struck gold with Desperate Housewives and Lost because its tentpole series (at least the one that doesn't have the word "football" in it) is -- it's an easy metaphor and I have to use it, forgive me -- down to its final rose. An inspired move -- the Bachelor's best friend's wife poses as a mole to smoke out the golddiggers -- is wasted with a nice but bland third-string quarterback. Of course the relationship wasn't going to last, and in a move pathetic for a third-place network, they pump out two extra specials in order to feature the resident bitch, Trish, haranguing the sweet, in-over-her-head Tara. And will one of you bachelors please, please marry someone?

Old Gods Almost Dead – Disappointing Shows of the Year:

• The Apprentice 2: The Cybil of reality shows. What was a whirling cutthroat nightmare of the corporate world devolved into a mixture of screamfest and Donald Trump infomercial. Companies jumping on the success of the first Apprentice tried to squeegee their way onto the screen in every way possible, and so, while the tasks seemed to reflect the real world, exposing the product on TV was more important than seeing what the interviewees could do with them. Trump’s looping, a forgivable excuse in the first series, was too obvious to ignore this time around. And in many of their firings, the women shed all pretenses of professionalism in the name of surviving the Donald’s firing hand.
  
  However, the true downfall of this once-promising franchise rests with the Donald. I truly believe that many people put faith in his business acumen, and they didn’t let him down the first time around. But he stumbled badly the second week in, when he rewarded Bradford’s cockiness of sacrificing his immunity by shitcanning him. Then it got stranger: siding with the girls in terminating the “crazy” Stacie J.; firing Pamela for not figuring out her teammates 24 hours after she became their new Project Manager; and finally, in a selfish gesture, firing two people to show everybody how fed up he was with the incompetence he had to deal with. In the end, when the “decisive” Trump threw his hands up and said he couldn’t decide, and let his business associates, past Apprentices and other headbobbers in the audience tell him to hire Kelly for three straight hours, it became obvious that A2 was all about his ego, and as a result, his show and his reputation took a significant, and maybe permanent, blow.
  
• Survivor: All-Stars: Aside from Apprentice, this was Mark Burnett’s annus horibilis. This was a stupid idea from the start: This wasn’t “the best of the best,” as the promos said – it was the most famous, being allowed a second chance to forego creature comforts for a million dollars. As expected, baggage from their respective seasons doomed some of the contestants (winners were the very first to go; the “smart” Rob C. and “strong” Colby went soon after). Two of them quit: Jenna because of her ill mother (she died soon after, the show tastefully told us), Sue because of an ugly sexual assault (and it was, no doubt) by Richard.
  
  Ultimately, we should blame Jenna and Rupert for the pile of boredom that this season calcified into. There were numerous opportunities to jump ship, but they believed riding the coattails of Hitler and Eva Braun – ‘scuse me, Rob and Amber – and jumping them at the end was their best bet. When that failed, we were left with the story of the two lovebirds, whose devotion to each other slowly devoured the show like those many nature interstitials you see on Survivor of a prey being killed by its predator. It’s not Burnett’s fault that they took over the show, but the message that love conquers all, even though the persons of said love also created the hurt feelings and emotional violence by the vanquished left in their wake, is ridiculous, let alone nauseating, when you have a show of survival of the fittest. This crapfest rightly rests alongside The Australian Outback as the worst installments ever of reality’s pioneering show.
  
• American Idol 3: The Ruben vs. Clay debate that divided this country last year the way was replaced by the Kennedyesque controversy over voting; when people lose interest in the singers, your show’s in trouble. The producers’ insistence that nothing was wrong with the process was a cagey move, even if they sincerely meant it, because theorists believing that something definitely was wrong started subsequently lost their tempers. That obscured the fact, unfortunately, that once again a favorite such as Latoya London was voted off in favor of the vocally-challenged Jasmine Trias. And, rightly or wrongly, winner Fantasia Barrino was scorned as not fitting some sort of “image” of what the American Idol is supposed to be, although some didn’t like her because they thought she couldn’t sing. The ratings for the final few episodes were lower than the ones for Season 2; will Season 4 break that trend?
  
• Celebrity Mole: Yucatan: What once was reality’s smartest show had its season clipped by financial restraints. Past tests (in the superior non-celebrity seasons) included skydiving, walking for miles in the Spanish countryside, and closing down entire forts and villages to play Tag and Capture the Castle. Apparently Stone/Stanley were told to cut their budget or lose a slot on ABC’s schedule, because most of the tests this time were located in closed sets or, worse, social gatherings in and around the hotel. And what constituted creativity this time around was daring someone to take their clothes off and eat all the other participants’ dinner. Where was the Truth Or Dare test? Or jacks?

Word on TA2 and SAS...but "The Mole" is a Stone-Stanley show, not Bunim-Murray. I can only imagine the horror. "I don't wrestle! I fuckin' beat Moles UP!"

Senor Audacity and Lantern 7, for your acknowledgement of the class of The Amazing Race and the non-celebrity Mole, will you accept these roses?

I am not sure who to dislike more: Freaking ANT (from Last Comic Standing 2) or Freaking Jonathan (From TAR6).

In hindsight, I am glad I didn't stick with Last Comic Standing, given how NBC screwed over the finale. Yet, I'm sad I missed truly funny Alonzo walk away with the big prize.

I agree with TAR5 as Best Finale, but Worst Host has to go to Ty "Lend Me a Bullhorn" Pennington. Funny man, good carpenter by other accounts, but the man needs to walk away from that damn thing. Last week!

Which leads to another nominee for MOST MILKED CONCEPT going to How Did They Do That?, which is becoming a series now.

Also? Senor Audacity, your piece on The Swan was lovely. As was your calling out of the Average Joe who picked Outer Beauty over Inner Beauty.

I try to stay away from most reality shows, but TAR and Extreme Makeover:Home Edition are my main shows. Though I've cut back on the now formulaic EM:HE, which is only in it's second season.

Oh, Coolest Reality Person: I nominate Phil Keoghan, of The Amazing Race, and Paul of EM:HE. Both guys seem like they would be just regualr folk off-camera, very friendly.

Best Host: Phil Keoghan. On TAR, he lays down the exposition, greets the Racers, gets mauled and manhandled (Mirna's obssessive hugging pales to Chip's bearhugs and Lori's backbreaking embrace), and laid down his disgust of Jonathan without slapping the asshole silly. But there's more! Phil wrote a book called No Opputunity Wasted, which was spun off into a series on the Discovery Channel. The deal: Phil picks people to "Live Life Now," giving them 72 hours and $3,000 to follow their dreams. Watch Phil crack up over a comic troupe, kneel in front of nuns, and get dragged out of the ring by a legendary wrestling. The coupe de grace was when he was dealing with a woman of many fears. Not quite convinced she was over her stuff, Phil asked her to tandem bungee jump...with him. Who could say no to that? If "Best Reality Host" was an Emmy category, Phil would take two spots.

Honorable Mention

Ralph Garman...some say that Ginger Rogers was the greatest dancer around, since she did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in heels. Well, for his role in Joe Schmo 2, Ralph put on a wig, false teeth and an English accent, playing the part of Derek Newcastle, host of the popular British show, Last Chance For Love. Derek's writers gave him some awesome lines, and the producers gave him Montecore, a falcon who would swoop in to deliver the "Falcon Twists." Given that Montecore gave him such a tough time AND he had to keep in character, Ralph deserves some major league dap.

Jeff Probst...still entertaining, even with the lackluster casts he's been saddled with. Held himself well after Susan's rage attack. Gets points taken off for dating Julie.

Jonny Moseley...this is a pity vote for BMP's Challenge host with the most. But seriously...how can somebody hold reign over drama kings and queens while looking that stoned?

Absolutely, Actionmage! On a side note, the only thing about The Bachelor/-ette that would make me go, "Holy crap!" was if someone would be cruel enough to stick around to the Rose Ceremony and reject the rose in his or her face. That would be evil, and yet cool at the same time.

Overrated Show of the Year: The Biggest Loser

This show doesn't deserve the ratings for a few creepy reasons. The contradictions have been pointed out. It sincerely wants these people to lose weight, yet ridicules them through stunts such as making them toss food with their mouths. The camaraderie is undercut when they vote someone off. And call my cynical, but these people are going to gain all the weight back and then some as soon as the show's over. Sorry, but that's really reality.

I'm nonplussed by this show because it's the most high-profile in the latest trend of "positive lifestyle" shows. Producers of the genre sensed that people were tired of the backstabbing and the fights and came to the conclusion that making viewers feel good about someone they watched on TV was the way to keep ratings high. I think Extreme Makeover, hybridizing this trend with the gruesome shots of ugly naked people getting lipoed in order to appeal to our basest curiosities, was the bridge to get us to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the true pioneer of Feel Good Reality TV and whose success came without any need to humiliate the average people on the show.

Problem is, the cynical side of me thinks TBL shot it both ways. If TPTB thought it best to give this show a cutthroat tone, they would've dropped the "I'm okay, you're okay" bromides and added on-camera interviews of the contestants complaining about each other. Worse, if they styled the show like Survivor and ratings tanked, they probably would've reedited and re-branded the show as something more akin to, say, Starting Over for future eps. Concluding this on a macro scale, this may be a harbinger of instant feedback programming. Since this is unscripted, you can shoot happy and sad, cruel and supportive, and you can edit each episode by what you think viewers want to see. It's a very calculated way to give us what we want, when all I want is to see what you want to give me.

Ratings Hit Nobody You Know Watched: My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. TWoP put this page on Permanent Hiatus just before the finale ... where 20 million people saw the show sell out on its premise by celebrating the fact that a manipulative woman's family would support her desire to marry a fat bastard she just met. Fox thought they stumbled upon something good, and they did ...

Whither?: My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance

The accompanying music is strikingly loud, and the actors portraying the company bigwigs overdo the trashing of the Ivy League-educated contestants who are competing for a spot in their fake company (and I don't know about you, but I don't have a burning grudge for people who went to an Ivy, and I got rejected by four of them my senior year). But many times this show was funny. William August showed remarkable oiliness and vanity portraying CEO N. Paul Todd. The contestants were very resourceful being put through the ridiculous tasks. In short, this show made more sense than Apprentice 2. And Fox, the network that forced Andy Richter to act like a whipped heel in order to retain employment, may have shitcanned this show for good.

Other Shows Gone Before Their Time:

• Playing It Straight: Girl jailed in a dude ranch trying to find love from a posse of suitors, some of them who have a passion for stallions and not for fillies, if you know what I mean. It too suffered from tone problems -- when it wasn't an instruction on stilted bad-date conversation, it featured testimonials from the guys who either were straight or merely posing as such in a "closet," tee-hee! -- but the thing was, I wanted to know which guys were what!
  
• Forever Eden: It would be cool if they were still there, wouldn't it? And why is Fox the only network canceling their reality shows before they complete their runs? Is Family Guy really that good?

I think FOX eventually released a press release months later telling which of the remaining men were gay or straight.

While I love Family Guy myself, it's surprising that FOX always cancels the cheaply-made reality shows before the end of their runs. It's not like they have anything else to air (and IIRC, Forever Eden aired last summer, when American Idol wouldn't come to save their schedule for six months!). Although i'm happy that they're allowing The Rebel Billionaire to run to its conclusion, though I suspect that that was an agreement with Branson from the beginning.

Speaking of Forever Eden, it recieves the Worst Show, On Its Way to Becoming a Good Show, When it's Unceremoniously Axed. It was boring as hell. Then some really trashy people came to the island, and stuff got interesting. Then we never saw it again.

Now I'm having fond memories of Eleanor from Joe Schmoe 2 telling Austin to basically shove them pearl necklaces where Mr Sun Don't Shine before striding out with her head held high.

Now for Mr Topic:

Sleazy Show You Where Compelled to Watch on FOX:

MBFOF! Will icky Randi buy a clue? Will Steve blow his cover story?

Well, I do, but not by that -- mares and fillies are both female, so it kind of sounds like you're calling out some of the men for not being pedophiles. Let's go with stallions vs. mares/fillies. (Coming in 2005: A show about men who prefer geldings to mares... you know that'd be on Fox, and pulled after 3 episodes for double shots of Quintuplets.)

Senor, I believe that very thing happened in one of the Bachelor eps last year. One or two of the girls walked out of the ceremony; I saw that ep (dern promos) and read about it here.

::goes to double check date ::

eta:The incident was waaaay back in 2002, Bachelor 2, episode 3. I remember watching it because the ads were so funny. Gee, time flies, huh folks? *g*

Shelwood, thanks for the clarification on equine classifications. Horse terms might as well be Latin for me. And let me just add that I do not advocate pedophilia at all.

Moving on from "Shows" to the next big category: You hate 'em, you hate 'em -- "People."

Player of the Year: Amy, The Apprentice

From the outset, the Austin account manager/dotcom vet was a shining star in this fabulous series. She was smart, tough and prepared, three things you want in a good leader. Henry showcased her skills in the episode where the teams had to negotiate for the lowest prices on a shopping list. She knew what a set of golf clubs were worth and negotiated hard with the dealer to get them at a bargain. And wisely, perhaps cunningly, the attractive professional allowed the other attractive professionals on her team to flaunt their bodies for good deals on squid and jewelry – she stood to gain without getting any potential knocks of inappropriateness. Most importantly, she convinced all the other Apprenti she was good enough to work with. Even Omarosa praised her as a great leader, and Amy confessed she couldn’t stand her. The most important statistic evincing her intelligence and tenacity? Before Trump’s underlings were put off by her Stepford Businesswoman personality, she was 10-1 in team challenges for the season.

Honorable Mention:

• Diane, Big Brother 5: Love her or hate her, it was this Kentucky barmaid that set the wheels in motion for the narrative of BB5. It was her who planted in Adria’s head the exaggeration of Will’s betrayal. It was her who spun Marvin’s player moves into possible sexual domineering. And it was her who weaved the trap that shoved her closest ally, Karen, out the door. She did that by making others do the dirty work for her, knocking them down the house pecking order while keeping her own hands clean. The backstabbing probably ran out well before she could walk away with the grand prize – Karen in particular felt burned badly by Diane – but it was only Diane’s naïve love of Drew, and his further confusion of who would actually get the votes from the Jury, that toppled her before the last show.
  
• Shawn, The Rebel Billionaire: A lot of you think Sara will get, and deserves, the prize, whatever that may be. But while he can be a bit of a blowhard, the Salt Lake City entrepreneur of what essentially is bean bag chairs has consistently come up with the brash, energetic and outrageous promotions Sir Richard Branson looks for in his Virgin empire. Knowing how to play the piano and leading a band for a live presentation of the new Virgin Atlantic airline chair-bed thing shows he doesn’t mind using what he’s got to get the job done. And his “Virgins in Space?” tag line to promote Branson’s nascent space travel company is perfect. If he doesn’t win, it’s a crime.
  
• Jennifer/Nakomis, Big Brother 5: She wasn’t able to use her knowledge of BB to her ultimate gain, yet the San Antonio hostess/dominatrix-to-be was probably the smartest and coolest of all the people living in the house. Her Six Finger Plan ushered the start of the fall of the Four Horseman and the origination of “backdooring” the intended evictees through the Veto and not the initial nominations. She also had a pulse on what everybody was thinking and how his strategy would or would not work. And Jennifer/Nakomis didn’t allow the shock that fellow contestant Michael/ Cowboy was her half-brother affect her gameplay. She may have been too smart for her own good, but her ouster left many of the others chanting encomiums of her intelligence and level-headedness.
  
• Jennifer M., Apprentice 2: Was there a more intriguing apprentice on Apprentice 2 than Jennifer M.? The only one not to hang Stacie J. out to dry turns out to be a FUTR practitioner who became a savage predator in the Boardroom. The San Francisco lawyer used her power of arguing to belittle, twist and ultimately dismiss her opponents in the only forum, and in front of the only person, she knew counted. Such manipulation also cost her everything in a very awkward last show, but other people with as many weaknesses as she probably would not have gotten even that far.

Worst Player of the Year (tie): Natalie and Adria, Big Brother 5

They may not have known what they were getting themselves into, and trying to convince the other houseguests that sisters who look exactly alike aren’t threats in the game is a near-impossible high-wire act. But I doubt there were any two people who would muck that up more completely, more quickly, and do it with more of a mushmouthed, incomprehensible delivery that confirms every single negative stereotype about the Alabama public education system. That made them susceptible to manipulation, such as when Diane planted into one of their ears – don’t remember which one, does it matter? But it was the Head of Household – the idea that Will was looking to leave the alliance. And whenever the twins wanted to explain themselves, whether it was their nominations, being nominated, or even what to eat for dinner, diarrhea of the mouth doesn’t adequately explain the utter nonsense – peppered with references to God – that these two passed of as English. That’s why they exited the house quickly after the twins were united in it, and that’s why they’re the suckiest players of 2004.

Dishonorable Mention:

• Ivana and Maria (tie), Apprentice 2: It was a shock to see virtually every woman in A2, with the possible exception of Pam, display considerable weakness at one point or another. But these two were the worst: Ivana for her wimpy leadership, weak attacks on other people in the Boardroom and dropping her skirt and showing her undies to strangers; and Maria for her stubborn project managing, poor relations with her teammates, and an absolute refusal to allow that maybe her way wasn’t the best way.
  
• Camille, America's Next Top Model 2: Another reality figure whose bad communication skills hampered her from the start. An unwarranted sense of entitlement separated her quickly from the rest of the group, and she somehow fed that exclusion back into her self-appointed diva image. Camille’s worst move was snapping back at everybody who was in a position to eliminate her from the competition, including the judges. Meanwhile, she started showing quirks that further alienated her from the rest of the group. She didn’t cry. And she couldn’t even sabotage right; Mercedes hijacked her ploy of insinuating to Tyra Banks that eventual winner Yoanna had an eating disorder.
  
• Tony, Average Joe 2: Hawai'i: Not to say that you could “game” a love show, let alone one as pathetic as this. But while others played it cool with Larissa, he actually had the naïveté to actually believe in this process, and it made him stick out. The seriousness with which he tried to win Ms. Meek’s heart drove her away, and his lack of a sense of humor must have alienated him from the other guys, Average and Non-Average. It’s refreshing to see a guy put his energy and his soul into making this work, but … come on, it’s a damn reality show! What the hell were you thinking?!
  
• Lex, Survivor: All-Stars: Lex, I think you’re a well-meaning guy. You’re taking too much crap for cutting Ethan loose, and I’m pretty sure you’re upfront about taking criticism for the stuff that led to your downfall. But if 10 seasons of this show proves something, it’s that playing hard and letting everybody know that you are the leader of your alliance is just about the worst thing you can do. The meek inherit the earth, and like judo, someone a bit more clever than you (and when I refer to Rob, I really do mean a bit) used the force of your momentum against you. Once again, you became one of the main characters of the season because your bad strategy caused you to flame out in spectacular fashion.

And Lex said "greenbacks" AND he got a Mohawk. By the way, between Lex and Abram in The Inferno, the Mohawk is the Offical Hairstyle of Douchebags.

Best 180-Degree Turn: Katie Doyle, The Inferno

The old wisdom was that Katie was the scrubiest scrub who ever scrubbed. In a lot of ways, she still was. But there came a time where her own team fucked up a mission for the express purpose of sending her into the Inferno. Last season, Sarah had a few friends on her side. Katie didn't. But in the end, Katie threw the abuse back, winning two Infernos...getting rid of psycho bitch Julie and busted-ass relic David. She also fufilled a dream of every Challenge fan, by screaming and cursing out Veronica. On a team of assholes, bitches and losers, Katie was the only redeemable player around.

There was a show called The Inferno?

Favorite Player (tie): Chip and Kim, Amazing Race 5

It's not easy vacationing with relatives in the family cabin up north, let alone racing around the world for a million bucks. That's why the mutual love and respect they had for each other throughout the show is so admirable, and a huge reason why they won the race. They transformed their long marriage into a well-oiled machine for the race: It was understood that Chip had to be the workhorse for the Detours (a loophole that's closed for the current and all future races) and Kim mostly stayed out of his way. While the imbalance isn't fair, Chip certainly didn't see it that way, and Kim made up for it with her heads-up, calm stalking of information that led them to catapult ahead of Colin and Christie and Brandon and Nicole at the end. Just as important, they didn't play games that would cause one of them to want to give up. Add that to Chip's oversized (and sometimes overboard) sense of humor and their common sense to stop and smell the roses once in a while, and it was almost breathtaking to see them cross the finish line first. Indeed, sometimes good works do come back to you.

Other Favorites:

• James and Meghan (tie), Fear Factor: Couples: Another couple who worked well together. They stumbled all the way to the final stunt and didn't pick up many prizes compared to couples eliminated before them, but they were so humble and supportive of each other that they instinctly knew they would love each other no matter where they finished. And that mutual security gave them the strength to tough out stunt after stunt. Plus, they look cute together.
  
• Troy, The Apprentice: Charm can take you far, and everyone was smitten by the insurance/mortgage man from Idaho. While everyone was putting their (brown)noses into the grindstone, Troy was taking things in stride, brushing aside every obstacle that cropped up with one of his Big Sky homilies, and covering up every devious move he made (having Kwame sign autographs, peering over Katrina's shoulder in the Apartment Lease task) with his broad smile. He was funny and a calming influence, and he had a fresh approach to every challenge -- keys for his deep run in the series, and things you want in a co-worker. And it takes balls to take your BFF to the Boardroom. That's the act of a noble warrior.
  
• Mary, Bachelor: Aaron: While this a show involving adults, she was one of the few grown-ups on Bachelor: Bob, and my adoration for her only grew when she sat that paranoid bitch Jayne down and explained to her how her immature freak-out worried sick all the other women to the point they searched the entire grounds -- filled with coyotes! -- to make sure she was OK. I don't think Aaron's the man she wants to be the father of her kids, but if you're still so scared no one wants to lay down next to your toned body ... well, shoot, I'll impregnate you.
  
• Brian, Average Joe 2: Hawai'i: The coolest and most approachable of the ugly men vying for the "beauty." He was sensitive enough to bare his soul to Larissa but also man enough to take on the Studs who wanted to push his friends around. Add a wicked Boston accent and a maturity after Larissa threw him away, and I would enjoy watching a Sawx game while drinking a Sam Adams with him anytime.

Can I add a vote, nomination or other nod for Pam from Apprentice 2. The only reason she didn't win is because Trump sabotaged her. Both times [I]she came back, she was professional and never made mention of the asshats who got her fired. Her running of the NBA Game in the final was awesome.

jhlipton...she was gone waaaaaay too soon...but not soon enough, as compared to...

Most Premature Departure: Rob Cesternino, Survivor: All-Stars

Poor Rob. Last year, we sung his praises as he manuevered his way towards Day 39, only to be undone by Jenna Morasca. Well...the good news was, he was given a second chance. And he was the official fanboy of the S18. Now the bad news: he was on Chapera, a tribe with zero champions (Hatch, Jenna, and Colby on Mogo Mogo; Tina on Saboga), and Probst put a huge target on his back by proclaiming him to be the best player never to win. Rob Mariano didn't cotton to evil masterminds other than himself, and Cesternino hit the skids. At least we got him playing Probst in the fake Tribal Council.

Honorable Mention:

Rudy Boesch: The old-school SEAL lasted six days. One good thing about Rupert...at least he felt bad about Talking Rudy Doll going home.

Jacquese Smith: Perhaps the most normal kid to star on The Real World in who knows how long, Ja did one mission in Battle of the Sexes 2, and was voted out afterwards.

Pamela Day: We still shake out heads in puzzlement, sorrow, or outright disgust. If I wanted to see somebody get screwed on camera, I'd do a search on Paris Hilton and/or Jenna Lewis.

Stacie Upchurch: Another victim of Trump and the Bobblehead advisors. Trump didn't ask the secretary to call Apex down...oh, no. Instead, he let one of the Coven bring the rest down. Hilarity and false witnessing followed...all because Stacie got a little too into a Magic 8-Ball. At least she has something in common with Rob now. Wouldn't they make a cute couple?

The first four Philimated teams: Chip & Kim's win in TAR5 caused a karmic nightmare in TAR6, where the evil and annoying ran buck wild throughout the world. Avi & Joe, Meredith & Maria, Lena & Kristy and Don & Mary Jean...you have all been missed (Gus & Hera got eliminated in 2005, and yeah...they'll be missed, too)

Most Romantic Moment...

I have to say it was Ian proposing to Meredith on The Bachelorette. He had been saying he wasn't going to do it and there really wasn't any suspence about her pick because their chemistry was very much obvious, but I melted like a puddle. Their instant connection, their dates and talks, her gushing, HIS gushing...And when he finally got down on one knee and she was shocked and overwhelmed...*SIGH* I luuurve Meredian, why do you ask?

FYI...Yes, they are still together.

jhlipton, I wish Pam had been more successful -- that's just speculation now, of course -- but you do raise a good point about her job at the final task. And Lantern7, you know that Rob didn't have a chance in hell of winning. He was never going to live his past down, and the stupid always outnumber the smart. At least by bowing out so early we didn't see anything from him that would make us hate him. Unlike Boston Rob.

Good input, guys, keep 'em coming!

Bitch of the Year: Omarosa, The Apprentice

She is so bad I think I might have to retire the award. Where to begin? How about her pageant-icy professional veneer, more intimidating that friendly? And as do all BOY's, she had a vindictive edge; I saw her singling out poor little Jesse for firing as a woman stopping at nothing to destroy an obviously weak competitor with a fury that matches all the other women in A2 conspiring to oust Stacie. Ultimately, though, the empress had no clothes; her hard edge disguised her utter stupidity and, as soon as her eyes caught the sight of Jessica Simpson, an obsession to promote herself with an intensity Donald Trump would be proud of. Sprinkle on a dash of craziness and excuse-making ("that piece of plaster makes me sit down for lunch!"), and in a crowded field, she ran away with this prize. (And by the way, goddamn you, Burger King, for hiring this woman. I'm not eating at your restaurant until I stop seeing her on TV. And too bad, because that Angus Bacon Ranch Burger sounds pretty fucking tasty.)

Harpy Bridesmaids:

• Trish, Bachelor: Jesse: "I'm not here to make friends" is a bad cliche and an even worse strategy. Yeah, she's not trying to date any of the girls, but she took to the role of the season's resident bitch with such ferocity that there was no way to love to hate her. She repeatedly thought herself as classier than the other girls when she provocatively sunbathed with an ass-baring thong. She couldn't talk to the other girls without shining herself up or putting them down. And in a ludicrous After the Rose special, a desperate attempt to give this season some drama, she made Tara look bad and feel even worse by confusing her with a torrent of babble. What makes her such a bitch is that she's so oblivious with how smug she comes off to people who do nothing to help her get what she wants. Fortunately, she didn't get what she wanted on the show.
  
• Meg, Fear Factor: Couples: A hateful failure. One half of a couple you can't believe is together, this cookie-cutter blonde with navel piercing and fake boobs (one of ten on the show, I think) was mean and bitchy to the other couples and controlling and out-of-control with the darkly recessive Adam. What's more incredible is that when push came to shove, she started freaking out over some of the stunts, and she finally gave up when she had to be locked in a body-size glass coffin filled with rats. Have you seen this show before? You can be high-maintenance so long as you pull your weight, and we could only laugh after that "fuck you" snarl melted into tears upon her elimination.
  
• Mirna, Amazing Race 5: Even though Colin cast his dark cloud over the whole show, let's not forget the self-entitled whiner that is Mirna. She was like what I think Paris Hilton would do to get along in this race -- make other people do her fair share, and piss and moan about everything that doesn't go her way. But Paris Hilton, bless her heart, wouldn't be delusional enough to believe the other racers would be jealous of her. What would they be jealous of, a non-stop motormouth spewing lies and complaints? Good fucking riddance. And stop whoring yourself to Phil, for fuck's sake.
  
• All the women, Apprentice 2: Just for that Mean Girl Lynching of Stacie. Seriously, what are other women about to enter the workforce supposed to make of this? What are you saying to high school girls watching this for insight into what their world will be like ten years later? That ganging up on someone who can't defend herself is the only way to keep your job? That being an adult is just like high school?

Bastard of the Year: Colin, Amazing Race 5

What more can you say about the guy? People who are mean and make everyone around you miserable are a dime a dozen. But like Bitch of the Year Omarosa, it's that hint of craziness that nearly always puts someone over the top. And over the top he was: His self-described "intensity" was a euphemism for a temper so uncontrollable he actually risked imprisonment in a foreign country over the quality of service he got on a cab ride. His abusive treatment of girlfriend Christie is a mangling of the relationship Chip had with Kim during the race: Both men did most of the heavy lifting, but it was Colin who always seemed to demand from his teammate -- to pay attention, to leave him alone, whatever basically suited his will at the time, and if Christie couldn't read his mind, it's her fault. He too flaunted his disdain for people he had no use for, leading to many instances of Ugly Americanism. And I would've sided with him on his obsessive vendetta with Mirna, but I couldn't because of his creepy eyes. In the end, it was fun tuning in every week to see how he made an ass out of himself, and bitching that his ox was broken is a TAR all-time classic. At least he didn't disappoint.

Other Assholes Include:

• Jonathan, Amazing Race 6: See above. Add physical contact. So glad his assholiness is spread out over two years.
  
• Richard, Survivor All-Stars: Yeah, yeah, yeah, please stop reminding us that this is a game. For you it's a lifeline to extend your justification for existence by waving your flabby body all over our TV screens. (Get to The Biggest Loser, stat!) And that shit you pulled with Sue is all your fault. I don't care how much she taunted you, you have no right to rub your diseased genitals up against her. Get working on that camp for children you promised back when you won your million, or get off my TV, pretty please.
  
• David, Average Joe 2: Hawai'i: He wasn't mean or crazy at all. In fact, he was the exact opposite: a wet noodle, an insignificant wuss of a man so easy to push over that I would have a good chance of kicking his ass. In a competition to vie for the affections of a lady you know is out of your league, he went out of his way to be a flaccid peacemaker to the guys he was competing against. The most glaring example: One of the Studs (name doesn't matter) is shown to have been making these third-grade-level drawings of the moment he and the other Studs came into the room to add a twist to the game. He drew David Daskal with a wetspot in his pants and a puddle between his legs. Did he start punching (well, in his case, slapping) Bad Drawer? Did he at least start yelling unrequited threats? No. He asked the guy why he did it, and virtually thanked him for telling him the truth. What the fuck is wrong with him? And don't get me started on his John Stevens impression of singing to Larissa on the pity date he "won."
  
• Simon Cowell, American Idol 3: I'm surprised he keeps dropping down on the list, but for the third straight year he's on it, solely because he gave the middle finger to Fantasia Barrino and he good goddamn well knows it. Not classy at all.

Senor...I was dreaming of Cesternino finally winning, and I was blinded.

Worst 180-Degree Turn: Lex van der Berghe, Survivor: All-Stars

Back in 2001, Lex amused us with his tatted body and unstable gut. He seemed okay in SAS, even as his Mogo Mogo tribe started falling apart. After a tribal shakeup, the tribe found themselves with Amber. After losing yet another challenge, Rob asked Lex to keep Amber...which Lex complied with, dumping Jerri. But Rob, in true Godfather form, didn't want to save Lex...and after the merger, Lex got dumped. When he came out on the jury, he had a sour look and a Mohawk. After weeks of anticipation, viewers got to listen to Lex's self-serving rant, complete with how Rob cheated him out of "greenbacks." Oh, and he had blue hair at the reunion. What an ass.

Honorable Mentions (with Before and After)

Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien: Plucky older woman who got cheated on Day 38; weepy sea cow who grinned while Sue Hawk exploded on Peachy.

Jenna Lewis: Cute mother of twins; had sex on tape, then released it to the public. Also: shoved self halfway up Rupert's butt.

Alicia Calaway: "I will always wave my finger in your face!"; "I will always act like a complete bitch!"

Mark Long: dependable old-school Roadie; divorcee looking for action, whether it would be from younger chicks (Tonya, Robin) or close friends (Eric Nies). Oh, and he went on Extreme Dodgeball. Blech.

Eric Nies: Toolish old-school RWer with a good heart; jump rope shill. Seriously, the fucking rope was everywhere.

Most Deserving Winner: Dennis Rodman, Celebrity Mole: Yucatan

Last year I surmised that I should just give this award to the person who wins The Mole. I can't do that because there isn't a show anymore (ABC, you idiots) but at least it went out by crowning the most inexplicable champion in the history of reality TV. I mean, Dennis Rodman?! The bad boy of the National Basketball Association turned Newport Beach partyboy extraordinaire? Carmen Electra's ex-husband?! But wouldn't you know, he played it cool and observed, man, and although he didn't figure out that model/C-list actress Angie Everhart was the saboteur until late in the game, he was rebounded from scraping the bottom of the quizzes to drive past a befuddled Mark Curry (more on him later) on the way to prize. Extra brownie points for wanting to cut absolutely no corners during the competition, such as refusing the exemption when everybody else agreed to give it to him in order to add money to the pot.

Other Deserving Winners: This is based solely on who I like, so the long, boring list is: Chip and Kim, TAR5; Fantasia Barrino, AI3; Joanna, ANTM2; Eva, ANTM3; Bill, The Apprentice; Kelly, A2 (didn't have a problem with him, certainly deserved it over Jennifer M.); Ian, Bachelorette: Meredith; Mary, Bachelor: Aaron; Femia, The Benefactor; Drew, BB5; Steve and Nicole, The Complex: Malibu; Jackson and Monica, Couples Fear Factor; John Heffron, LCS2; Alonzo Bodden, LCS3; Sean and Corinne, Next Action Star; that guy who won on Nashville Star (based mostly on heresy, namely I hear you guys say it's a good show); Shawn, The Rebel Billionaire.

Least Deserving Winner: Kurt, World Idol

For this award, let's take a trip on the wayback machine -- all the way back to New Year's Day, 2004. The week before, on Christmas Day, everybody was tuning in to see whether either the two presumptive favorites, America's Kelly Clarkson and the UK's Will Young, would slip up. Instead, this plumber from Norway blitzed everyone doing a rendition of U2's "Beautiful Day." Viewers, wanting to own the stars they "discovered," gave him a near-unanimous win and the title of best 19 Entertainment find on the globe.

Except ... he wasn't that good. Seriously, if anybody has a tape of that show, note how warbly he sang the song. And you should knock him also for picking the song; "Beautiful Day" is the latest classic by a band I love (aside: just picked up their How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, and I'm going to let it wash over me the next couple weeks), but it's the production that makes it sound so timeless, not Bono's voice. Without the band, it's a pretty easy song to sing, and to sing fairly. He didn't suck, but he wasn't that great, and I still don't get the hype. (Another aside: I also am pretty shocked that, while reading the thread, there is a fervent river of Kelly hate. Why are you picking on poor little ol' Kelly?) Oh, and he looks like a Hobbitt.

Other Undeserving Winners: Let's see, who else did I hate? How about: Gil, AJ2: H; Samantha, AJ: AR; PJ, FLOM3; Caleb, FLOM4; Amber, S: AS; Chris, S: V; whoever won on The Swan; DeLisa, S2; and Stacy, Who Wants To Marry My Dad? 2?

As much as I liked Dennis, I think he was stoned half the time. I give my vote to Chip & Kim, just for being so darn likable, and for breaking Colin with the Yield. And I don't have a least deserving winner, so I'll move onto...

The Dawn Summers "Get out! Get out! GET OUT!" Award: Ant, Last Comic Standing 2, Last Comic Standing 3

Did you know Ant is gay? Oh, he'll tell you. He'll tell you all the live-long fucking day. Guess his accent! It's San Francisco! Don't need Scooby-Doo to solve THAT mystery! Anyway, after Ant didn't make the house in LCS1, he bummed around on VH1. Then the producers invited him back and went through the pretense of qualifying. And guess what? He was the same hack comic he was last year. I mean, even Dat Phan and Ralphie May break their programming once in a while. Ant? Is gay gay GAY! After it was found out that Todd Glass's "I Need Attention!" song was making fun of Ant, my opinion of Todd shot up. Happily, Ant got stomped by Gary Gulman...and he finsihed third for the wild card slot. He blathered on LCS3, but he got bounced again. From the bottom of my heart? Shaddup, Ant!

Honorable Mentions

Ralphie May: It's still about his girth and how he hangs with the homie. His reactions to Triumph's ribbing showed he could dish it out, but can't take a thimble full of it.

Veronica Portillo: For those keeping score, she has done six Challenges, seven if you count the one going on right now. Contrary to what Andre 3000 might tell you, Veronica is the reason for the word "bitch." She'll slag you, align people against you, and save her own ass. Even though she was dropped from Battle of the Sexes 2 without any fanfare or drama, she's still out there, ready to hump anything and anybody to increase her 15 minutes of fame.

Rupert Boneham: Put it this way...if he didn't look like Hagrid, nobody would love him. I'll give him props for doing back to back seasons, but that is it. When he told an interviewer that he would be interested in doing The Amazing Race, my spincter froze...and I'm sure that I wasn't the only one.

Anderson Cooper Award (Host of the Year): Ahmad Rashad, Celebrity Mole: Yucatan

Yes, it's true. The man tapped to fill Coop's large and illustrious shoes did the best job of hosting in the year 2004. Now, I'm not saying he's better than the original host, no one can. But take a closer look: Rashad took some nifty jabs at the coterie of C-level actors and actresses vying for a million, especially punching bags Corbin Bernsen and Daniel Baldwin. He laid out the rules for each game without pretense or ego, something at a premium in the land of reality hosts. In fact, he garnered respect through his understatement. While watching him dote over Mark Curry eating everyone's dinner or adminstering the game where the vanquished were winging balls at the remaining contestants' heads, he played it cool -- cool as a host of a smart cloak-and-dagger show should be. Top it off with his ubiquitous sombrero and cigar, and you have just enough of a dash of quirky to make his hosting memorable to the dozen or so people who spent the time to watch this underrated show.

Overseer Honorable Mention:

• Joe Rogan, Couples Fear Factor: He's a love-him-or-hate-him guy. I love him. I love the fact that, in a show that celebrates the grotesque and obnoxious, he allows the randy, deplorable side of him bark orders to the contestants, whether they're suspended stories above water or underneath a shallow pool of animal body parts (this caricature of a guy was actually part of the ensemble of News Radio?). Maybe he shouldn't be yelling at these people when he doesn't do any of the stunts himself. But that's not his job. He was lucky enough to land the role of the guy who tells people what to do and how they'll have to do it. And he knows he doesn't have to do that shit, so his incessant barking is like a proclamation from an unjust god, laying down rules he himself doesn't have to follow. And I love him for it.
  
• Phil Keoghan, Amazing Race 5: OK, before he was a just a guy who announced what place the runners finish on the Bathmat, so he technically wasn't a host, in my opinion, so I've never included him in this award. But for TAR5 he did step out onto the course to officially disqualify the Pizza Brothers for quitting during the Roadblock in Egypt, so I guess I can include him here -- and praise him for the steady, observational role he plays during the series and the innate humanity he exudes when a team finishes, whether in first place or last. No bullshit, no extracurricular hanky-panky, he gets rights down to it, no fuss, no muss. Although, with his smackdown of Jonathan in TAR6, I definitely can make an exception.
  
• Ant and Dec, World Idol: These guys apparently are the lads who host UK Pop Idol, and for the brief moments I could bare to watch the results show, they weren't bad. I especially liked it when they threw to the results of the United Kingdom ... and after a few seconds realized that they were the ones who were supposed to read them. Hell of a lot better than Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman, or Seacrest alone.

Best Couple (Romantic): Chip & Kim McAllister, The Amazing Race 5

He does the funny stuff, she laughs. He tries to make friends like a Mastiff that doesn't know it's not a puppy, she holds the leash. He ate his way to two first-place finishes, she let him call her "Booby Cooper." On camera, they didn't look like they shared the workload, but they fufilled every Race fan's dream: that one day, a fan fave would win it. There's zero phoniess with these two, and that's why we love 'em. Oh, and they Yielded Colin and Christie, who never recovered. Double sweet.

Honorable Mentions:

Kris Perkins & Jon Bueller: The constant saving grace of TAR6. If they can't have kids, may they adopt whatever hellspawn Jonathan and Victoria pump out.

Bridgette Nielsen & Flava Flav: Dude, it's just...dude. Mostly cute today, even with the chain-smoking and the wearing of viking helmets.

Bridgette and Flava Flav? You know, maybe there are some good things associated with not having cable.

Worst Host of the Year (tie): Jeff Probst, Survivor: All-Stars and Survivor: Vanuatu

Last year I was on Just Peachy's bandwagon. This year I couldn't wait to jump off his runaway train. What happened to this guy? A man who played it too conservatively finally busted loose with some good questions and a more relaxed demeanor. This year, however, the pendulum swung completely the other way. A host keeps control of the proceedings, and he made two critical errors in SAS: Not telling that bastard Richard to keep his shorts on so he wouldn't rub his genitals up against Sue; and allowing Sue to rip him a new one right in front of everybody right before an Immunity Challenge (which wouldn't have happened if he would've ordered Richard to keep his shorts on). And, can't he say something else besides "Immunity ... back up for grabs!" or "Do you wanna know what you're playing for?" The straw that broke this camel's back is his revelation that he's now dating Julie from Vanuatu. Doesn't matter if he did it after the season's over; a host is a eunuch, and he sure as hell doesn't get involved personally with the contestants. At all. For any reason.

Overseer Dishonorable Mention:

• Amanda Bynum, The Swan: This woman, fresh off the overrated bitches-and-hebitches-in-heat soft-core porn Paradise Hotel, still bugs. She tries to be so serious whenever these women first see their new reconstructed selves, but we can see right through her. Add that she still has this vague unease with diction and cadence, and her line readings, especially the lame ones given her for the Swan Pageant, remain dreadful, and only one question remains: When is her obnoxious, nosy ass going to be flagging real celebrities down on the red carpet of an awards show?
  
• Ryan Seacrest, AI3: Seacrest, out? Who the fuck do you think you are ... um ... some one-named person a hell of a lot funnier and a hell of a lot less metrosexual than you? Like Jacko?
  
• Bryan Macfayden, Superstar USA: A gotcha show ripping of American Idol (note the title), its greatest sin was not having the conviction to dispense its ridicule right to the end and making its "winner" (Jamie, a hot but dumb blonde chick from Minnesota) drown herself in her tears after telling her, no, you really can't sing. Its second greatest sin is hiring Macfayden, fresh of starting his downward spiral into oblivion from hosting the pile of suck that was Cupid. He appears to be a smartass but he resigns himself to reading his script as dull as possible, like he knows his career on TV is down to its last desperate drop.
  
• Tyler Harcott, The Complex: Malibu: The thing that bugged me most about this guy is that, during the elimination ceremony, he would announce each couple, tell them all the good things and bad things their teammates said about them, then would give the all clear to all but two of the couples, then tell each of the couples still in danger more gossip from their competitors before finally announcing who would have to leave. It's like a remodeling version of American Idol, down as poorly as that show with a host as wooden and dour and Seacrest is spastic and annoying. Harcott ... out? Hope so.

I'd better get things moving along here, sorry guys...

Choice Hottie of the Year: Meghan, Couples Fear Factor

You've got all the indistinguishable beauties from both Bachelor series and the petulant Hardbodies of TAR6. Angie Everhart was a bad Mole in CM: Y, but she's still got the looks. Julie of Survivor: Vanuatu ... well, at least she has a flat tummy. Superstar USA at least had the nerve to admit they picked Jamie as the winner because she's a blonde with a nice body. And don't underrated first-departed Lori and late-in-the-season-departed Karen, both of BB5. But for a warmness and encouraging personality that makes her as beautiful inside as she is outside, she again gets lauded in my book. This may sound condescending, but she would make a perfect wife for (then?) boyfriend James. (By the way, guys and non-traditional girls, our greatest dreams have come true: She and other women from the show are appearing naked in this month's issue of Playboy. In fact, go to their website and you can see a free pic of the Choice Hottie of the Year in her birthday suit.)

Best Friends Forever: Duo of the Year: Troy and Kwame, The Apprentice

This was a case of two people from different backgrounds -- he's an Idahoan with but a high school diploma, he's an i-banker with an MBA from Harvard -- making the most out of circumstances beyond their control and hanging out with someone they wouldn't otherwise get to know. They were two guys crowded out by the nattering of women getting fired before them and they quickly took to each other's laidback style. Stretching it, they had a similar symbiotic relationship Fred Astaire had with Ginger Rogers: Troy gave Kwame some sex -- no, not that way -- and Kwame gave Troy some class. And although taking Kwame with him to the Boardroom instead of Bill may seem like a betrayal, Troy meant it as the best way to show respect for a man he had come to admire. And the maturity with which they faced Troy's decision and his eventual firing was a touchstone that one hopes is the start of a lasting friendship.

They Too Are The Magic:

• Meredith and Ian, Bachelorette: Meredith: Many viewers figured out the outcome episodes in advance, how hot the fire between these two was. That final Rose Ceremony where Meredith can finally stop keeping up appearances for the sake of the show and just tell Ian and the entire damn world she has fallen in love with him, was not only erotic but so joyful to see. Real, too. Take that, Boston Rob and Amber.
  
• Mark Cuban and Dominic, The Benefactor: We figured Dominic didn't win because Cuban wanted this guy all to himself. They were so buddy-buddy because, like Troy and Kwame, the Internet billionaire wanted to be cool and the Las Vegas waiter/model wanted ... his money. It's a match made in reality TV heaven!
  
• Drew and Cowboy, BB5: And you thought the HoYay between Troy and Kwame was bad; the house this summer may have been the most homoerotically charged yet. The more lasting such relationship involved the two least odious members of the Four Horsemen; the dedicated Cowboy took the punches so that eventual winner Drew could fly under the radar to the end and beat his good buddy Cowboy for the $500,000.
  
• Scott and Jase, BB5: On the other end of the spectrum, the two punkasses of the Four Horsemen dominated the scene early in the show and played their Cocks of the Walk personalities to the hilt. They too complimented each other -- while Jase was the loud frat boy who woke up every day wanting to have fun in the house, Scott coolly and methodically planned to not just evict but to eviscerate all of his enemies standing in his way of the half million he thought was his. What proved to be an obnoxious dynamic turned out to be a combustible, and evanescent, one was well: They hated each other by the time they were thrown out. The reason? As it always is, a woman came between them: Jase fell for the bubbleheaded charms of Holly.

I concur with Kwame & Troy as the Best Couple (Platonic). Runners-Up are Linda and Karen (the lovable Bowling Moms), Gus & Hera (ex-CIA agent with moobs and his hot daughter), Kevin O'Connor & Drew Feinberg (TAR1's beloved frats got their own series on Discovery Channel), Brad & Randy (the hilarious drunk and stoner of RW14 and BOTS2), and CT and David (the Boston buddies reunited on Inferno).

Worst Couple ("Romantic"): Jonathan Baker & Victoria Fuller, The Amazing Race 6

The red light in my head went off when TV mentioned a blue-haired enterpenteur who would out-Guido the Guidos. What we got was the most painful TAR team ever...and when you throw in folks like Tara/Wil, Flo, Cindy/Russell, etc., that's saying something. He yells at her, she screams back. He blames her for stuff he did, she just takes it. And after that painful leg...complete with him slapping her backpack...Phil Keoghan looked like he would've killed him if the cameras weren't around. Heading into the final days of 2004, every TAR fan had the same nightmare...what if these two won? The casting of this wretched couple shook the faith of most TAR fans. Here's hoping the producers get the hint of the deluge of hate mail, and be extra careful next time.

Here, here. I'd also laud Eva and Anna from ANTM3, Jesse and Jessica from Bachelor 5 and Adam and Meg of CFF.

Best Celebrity Demigod Angling For A Second Career: Sir Richard Branson, The Rebel Billionaire

This was a pretty good but not a very show; many times I found the competitions too disorganzied, and I think it reflects Branson's reluctance to bore himself with details. But if there was any one well-known person who dared venture into the dirty waters of reality TV whom I liked enough to follow, it's him. What's so likable about him is his sincerity. Of course this show was a way to cross-promote his Virgin empire, but he didn't try to disguise it as anything but, nor did he make a big deal out of it. His unpolished hemming and hawing as he talked to the players is something I find disarming and real. He never talked down to the competitors, to the point of almost looking ashamed to even slightly come off as condescending towards them. He may not have had many good reasons to "tarmac" one of them, but he was always so decent when doing it. And top it all off, he did all the stunts because he believes he couldn't ask them to do it without doing it himself. I've always been fascinated with this guy; beneath his rugged looks, he's really a 10-year-old who's climbing the tree in the front yard and jumping off the roof to see if he can fly, and he manages to be charming all the same. It could be an act. But I doubt it, and besides, his behavior is exactly what you would want in a man whose company you want to be a part of. Me too.

Also Nominated: I still can't believe Tyra Banks could be all girly-girly with the aspiring models when they talk about problems with their big boobs or eating habits, then turn around and let one of them dangle one by one till she's the last girl in front of the panel. But she seems to really care for them, and although her analysis of their photos flies over my head from time to time, it shows she's serious about her modeling career after she can't model anymore. Plus, she's still damn hot. I'll also recognize Donald Trump, but only for The Apprentice, where he lived up to his reputation as a sharp, direct businessman who kept his pulse on the "interview process" even while tending to business, and not A2, where he lost us with his crazy, made-up justifications for firing the wrong people at the wrong time.

Best Support Staff (tie): Lou Duva and Tommy Brooks, Next Great Champ

The best parts of a horribly edited show that probably will not result in mining any boxing prospects like it had hoped, these guys were left to do the dirty work because host and mastermind Oscar De La Hoya didn't do much other than meet with the boxers before they fight. But doing the dirty work has been these two legendary trainers' bread and butter all thier lives. Duva has trained 15 champions and once, in a 24-hour period, stood in the corner for one of his guys in Las Vegas and flew to Atlantic City to do the same; both of his men won world titles. Brooks, Duva's son-in-law, is one of the most active trainers in the business, and even tried to resuscitate Mike Tyson's career. These guys know something about the sweet science, and they worked their hearts out, getting these retreads in shape, supervising contests like jabbing a punching bag up an incline, and supporting the fighters during each show's match. They have decades of advice they dispensed and sized up the fighters' performances with accuracy and authority. In short, they were true professionals in an amateurish production of a reality show, and if anything, more time should've been turned over to them so that viewers who like reality TV but don't know a lick about boxing could learn a thing or two about the sport.

Why Does Everybody Hate This Person?: Jay Manuel, American's Next Top Model

Not to say that you guys here in TWoP hate him, although the opinions are mixed. It's just that I have heard that the contestants in Seasons -- excuse me, Cycles -- 2 and 3 didn't care for him. He might have been overbearing in his dealings with the models, but as a viewer I thought he was very direct and provided the bitchiness you'd expect from a show about models. Moreover, I thought he did a fantastic job with his responsibilities as test shoot maven. He pounced on the fact that these girls are really wimps at heart, and he devised extremely demented photo sessions -- animals were a particular favorite of his, but I remember how one shoot revolving around being suspended in the air reduced Cycle 2's Catie to a flood of tears -- to see how they'd react. I didn't see any petulance or jealousy on Manuel's part. As for the way he dresses, well, I can't talk myself, and I have to give bonus points for anybody willing to dress in drag to make a point, like he did for the "metamorphosis" test shoot in Cycle 3.

Others Who Are Misunderstood:

• Jesse and Aaron (tie), The Bachelor: It's easy to knock these guys for being both cads and idiots, but I always have a soft spot for these guys. They are living every heterosexual man's dream of being the prize of 25 beautiful women, and he can pick and choose whoever they like, however they like. And I didn't see any boorish behavior (Aaron's anger being an exception, although you're going to see your mate get mad eventually, so I can rationalize it away) that makes me think either Bachelor was being anything less than sincere than the producers would allow him to.
  
• Diane: BB5: Scheming? Yes. Delusional, especially when it came to giving her heart to Drew? Definitely. But there are two ways of backstabbing on reality shows: quiet, which is the way Diane did it, and cocky, a group comprised of virtually everyone else. Because she kept her exploits on the downlow, I don't see her as a bitch, I see her as a player.
  
• Kelly, A2: I may have missed something, but what exactly did he do to not deserve Trump's apprenticeship? I just saw him as a quietly confident guy (and, I must admit, a military vet) who used both stick and carrot to get his workers to do what the task. And if he got the spoils for winning, well, that's the show's all about.
  
• Jared, Next Action Star: In case you forgot, he was the last loser. As a consolation prize, he got a bit part in the resulting movie as a cab driver. His three lines stole the scene from his passenger -- Sean, the guy who won. He was a bit of a dick, but in his scenes he showed he had unhinged edges in his personality. Although that made some of his performances during the show very over-the-top, it also showed he had some moments of brilliance, and that's much better than a steady mediocrity evinced by Sean. By the way, the show wasn't that bad.

Damn! The way you guys talk, I feel like I really missed some great tv moments. Thanks for the wrap-up!

Best Animal: Montecore the falcon, Joe Schmo 2

I'm more into furry than feathered, but Montecore had some good moments. Basically, JS2 was a Bachelor parody with lots of twists. Every week, Derek Newcastle (the smarmy British host, played by Ralph Garman) would call for the Falcon Twist. And Montecore would swoop in and delivery, scaring the shit out of the contestants (Schmos and actors alike). Even funnier was that Montecore didn't like Derek much, and they'd fight. The coup de grace was during a dress rehearsal, when Monetcore swooped in, missed Derek's gauntlet, and slammed into the glass door. Repeated viewings did not make it less funny. In the end, Montecore was found dead, apparently at the hands of Bryce ("The Stalker") avenging the death of his frog Everett. In the last few eps, Derek made the contestants fake getting startled, so Monetcore would be added in the editing. Happily, Montecore's death was greatly exagerrated, and he lives another day.

Honorable Mention

X: This puppy of unknown breeding was, by far, the only reason to watch Road Rules: X-Treme. The kids "found" her wandering the campgrounds (I'm sooooooo sure), and they adopted her. It was stupid...the opening credits had the kids act "extreme" while the theme song blared "Like a motherfucker from helll!!!!!!"...and at the end of the credits? Was X.

Winger: This Goldie puppy mascot of The Surreal Life 3 went by many names ("Coochie" and "Chubby" are the only ones I remember). If a dog that young could withstand getting punished by Flava Flav for pooping AND getting cuddled by a more-insane-than-usual Bridgette Nielsen, then the lil guy deserves ou props. He was adopted by Dave Coulier for his son.

The "Broken Ox": Look, he didn't do anything. All he did was walk away when Christie was too stupid to lead him. Bascially, that whole performance was Colin getting madder and madder than the ox was moving on his own accord. Sad but true.

Actionmage, your comments humble me. And Lantern7, I wish I could get out of this rut of creating very bland and prosaic awards. I'll work on it.

Why Does Everybody Like This Person? Carolyn Kepcher, The Apprentice

I've wanted to get this off my chest for a long time now -- she is not as cool as most people think. The disaster of the second season finally exposed what I thought I saw in the first: She oftentimes is a bobbleheaded yesman when it comes to Trump's firings. Her critiques are nothing more than outright insults to people she wants to fuck with. Carolyn sees an opportunity where a person fails and she uses it to yell and make fun of him or her. (For slightly sturdier observations, The Hair just has to look the other way in the Boardroom.) Most disturbing, I see her as being harder on the women than on the men. Now again, the girls from both seasons haven't done themselves any favors. But she could have used words and expressions and tone much more reasonable, much more professional, than those she used to cut down many of the women whom she obviously sees as beneath her. And frankly, I don't see her go after the men with as much vitriol and disdain. In short, I see Carolyn Kepcher as a useless self-hating misogynist who spends too much time on the show when it should be spent running Trump's "world famous" golf courses. She is definitely not my co-pilot, and with all due respect to anyone who bought that t-shirt, I will run the other way I soon as I see it.

Others Whom I See Right Through:

• Charla, TAR5: I hated this woman, almost as much as Mirna. I don't care how her dwarfism makes her determination so inspiring, I saw a whiny harpy who felt entitled to every single break she got and every insult she hurled because she was short. Charla is a racer, and although there will be some instances where she will be at a unique and distinct disadvantage, she knew that going in. Lording tickets over those that don't have them isn't cute where you're a dwarf; neither is whining for a special hand out when you're behind. I felt joy to know that these two bitches were eliminated. It appeared to be the only way to get through to Charla and Mirna the message that they were going to be treated the same as everyone else. Good fucking riddance.
  
• Rob, S: AS: Rob and Amber's "romance" made me puke. Huge chunks of this show were spent on these two conniving monsters, and his personality and love for the Red Sox...
  
• Amber, S: AS: ... nor her mousy passivity will disguise the fact that they took glee in destroying alliances made not just in the game but in real life. Shame on you two famewhores.
  
• Chris Harrison, The Bachelor: In Bachelor: Aaron's "After The Rose" reunion show, there was this "blooper reel" of seeing everyone flub their "lines." The parts where Aaron was grabbing the boom mic were funny. Seeing Chris Harrison fuck up and make snide remarks about the other girls and the proceedings, not so much. It looked he wanted to swear a lot, not because he's got a penchant for cursing, but he felt it was a way to fit in. (I notice that Jeff Probst seems to do that a lot, too.) And it's jarring to see candid remarks from a guy so robotic and boringly handsome as he is. But, seeing as how his on-screen time has been cut dramatically during the shows of 2004, I soon won't have to worry about that anymore.

Word on Carolyn...she was reduced to being a mere bobblehead doll in TA2. The odds of a candidate snapping and attacking Trump are only slightly lower than the same situation with Carolyn. I did like Charla, though...she wasn't the weak link on that team, and they finished in the top half of the field in all but their last two legs. I'm more squicked about how the media slobbers all over her.

Best Reality Parody/Homage That Was NOT Joe Schmo 2: "Making the Band 2," Chappelle's Show

How good is Dave Chappelle and his crew? Good enough to make me watch bits of MTB2. Chappelle himself played P. Diddy, Dylan (the egocentric Jamaican) and Farnsworth Bentley. The real Diddy may not have sent Da Band to Queens to get breast milk from a Camodian immigrant...but come on, is it that far out for Diddy?

Honorable Mention:

"The Amazing Presidential Race," Mad TV: Fox's answer to SNL did right by TAR, getting the music down pat, as well as the dramatic turn-to-the-camera intros. The candidates act as usual: John Kerry flip flops on taking a Roadblock, while Dick Cheney has a couple in front of him arrested to get plane tickets faster. Ralph Nader is immediately taken out when Mirna backs over him with a golf cart. Yes, those doggone cousins make their acting debut as themselves...topped off with Mirna making Charla carry meat on her shoulders while eating an ostrich egg omlette covered in caviar and chocolate.

Drawn Together: Comedy Central billed this show as the first animated reality series. The concept: lump eight cartoon characters of various genres into one house. While it missed more than hit in the first few episodes, there were some great breakout characters, like Foxxy Love (the token black chick, a mystery-solving musician), Princess Clara (a Disneyfied prince whose views of minorities were cringe-worthy), Xandir (the homage to Link, who ended up coming out of the closet) and Ling Ling (my fave: a thinly-disguised Pikachu who spoke only Japanese). The final episode had the gang competing for big money thanks to Bucky Bucks (Richie Rich smushed with Trump). Aside from the obvious Apprentice gags, that episode ran with the reality ball...complete with Xandir bleating "What is going on?!?" a la Matt Gould of JS1. Good times.

Alright, time to move on to a little section I can only call "Moments."

Scene of the Year: Colin in the Tanzanian clink, TAR5

To me, the best scene has to be one you'll immediately go, "What the fuck!" and remember for days, if not weeks, afterward. And I can't imagine a moment on reality TV where a contestant would not only be in such danger to his person (even if it is just getting thrown in jail, not any physical violence), not only put himself in such danger, but actually invite said danger upon himself, as all-star tool Colin did when the race went to Tanzania. He didn't like the cab ride because one of the tires blew midway through, so he decides the fare should be $50 instead of $100. This cab driver -- and seeing as how cabbies drive in this town, this may be the only time I'm siding with them -- gets airport police, who directs Colin and a pleading Christie to their office and tries to explain to him that, well, you're shit outta luck. This scene had everything: the threat of force by law enforcement, yet another example of the corrosive relationship Christie and Colin have with each other, and the documentary feel of the way it was all laid out. If Colin were in his right mind, would he really want to be shown pissing off foreign cops on TV? And that angry obliviousness is what ties this whole thing together: By trying to state his case with the use of belittling Disney phrases and clipped English to people with guns, he cements his case as the most stubborn and clueless dumbshit in TAR, and maybe competitive reality history.

Other Scenes of the Year:

• The Mean Girl Beatdown, A2: The high school "mean girl" mentality at its most vicious; that supposed grown-ups were the perpetrators makes this scene really, really sad. Stacie J. puts her chances in jeopardy by spazzing over a Magic 8-Ball, and it comes back to haunt her two Boardrooms later as Maria is mentally grasping for straws. Ever seen ants converge on a piece of food that fell to the ground? Ever see one of them (Ivana) declare that she was scared for her life and another (Stacy) recommend treatment? You didn't till Apex fired Stacie J. with Trump's help. And I hope I don't ever see it again.
  
• Ian's the one, Bachelorette: Meredith: As real as this show has ever gotten, and probably will ever get. So much passion, so much sex, and the relief and joy they felt after being able to declare their love for each other made this misanthrope's heart grow a couple sizes.
  
• The Fred/Alonzo montage, Next Great Champ: I don't want to overlook this scene, for it was probably the best this short-circuited series ever got. Two of the boxers had to duke it out in an actual fight, and in this scene, the boxers' psyche-ups with their loved one are quickly intercut with each other. What results is a thrilling example of editing that convinces the viewer that there's an angel (Alonzo) and a devil (Fred) in this contest: Alonzo and his wife bow their heads and recite a prayer; meanwhile, Fred's brother tells him how they're going to beat the hell out of Alonzo, in cruel, insulting terms. (Fred won the bout by unanimous decision.) NGC incessantly wanted to paint the boxers in black and white, but it was only in this pulsating scene where they even made a case that this show was about good and evil.
  
• America votes out J. Hud., AI3: And the entire nation went, "Oh, shit, not again!"

My favorite category ...

Dumbass Move of the Year: Shandi cheats on her boyfriend -- on camera! And then calls to confess to him -- on camera! ANTM2

This was a tough choice, for there were many moments of complete idiocy last year. But two deciding factors put the Kansas City Wal-Mart girl on top: She tried to cover up one bad mistake by making one even worse mistake; and of all the things you should never, ever do on TV, cheating on your boyfriend, I assume, is pretty fucking high on the list. And high is the only thing I can think of as an excuse for following up a hot tub session with their go-see chaperones with tongue hockey and, finally, putting his Chevy in her ditch. Now that she's cheated on Eric, does she wait until the show's over and she flies back to K.C. and tells him what she did, away from the harsh light of a camera? No! Not poor, troubled, misguided Shandi. She has to immediately call Eric and tell her she allowed some greasy Italian to plunge into her, repeatedly, which makes her boyfriend go through reverse puberty with the castrato he sounds when she breaks the news. In the "After The Catwalking's Over" episode, we see that Eric has taken her back. And he will be duly rewarded when Shandi gets gangbanged by the men of the Thunder From Down Under.

Other "What The Fuck?!?" Moments:

• Jason cancels the meeting, Apprentice: Second week of this show and this Michigan St. grad/real estate developer becomes project manager for a task where you design a marketing campaign for a boutique jet company. They were given contact information -- actual phone numbers -- of the president of the company. You do not need to be an MBA to think that it's kind of wise to talk to the head of the company you'll be doing an ad campaign for. Does Jason? No! Not short-sighted, authoritarian, antisocial Jason. He doesn't go through with the meeting because "it's a waste of time." I'm a 28-year-old sportscaster washout who hasn't done one single day of office work his whole life and I know good goddamn well you have to talk to your customer! Thus, his refusal to contact his client may be the difference in two relatively blah strategies, and The Donald -- back when he thought him a sage -- rightly axed him, despite teammate Sam curling up on the floor to take a nap during work.
  
• Mark Curry changes horses just as he's reaching shore, CM: Y: The process of how the contestants survived quiz after quiz while uncovering the mole, to the best of my memory: Curry (he was the Mr. Cooper you hung with back in the day) was pretty much the guy who figured model Angie Everhart was the one, and he didn't figure it out until past the midpoint of the game. Basketball freak of nature Dennis Rodman didn't really figure it was her until it was the three of them left, I think; he was just fastest with the quizzes, in which case if he was tied with someone he'd have a better chance of sticking around because he finished the quiz faster. Anyway, it seemed as if Curry and Rodman were setting their sights on Everhart -- until, for reasons still unbeknownst to me, Curry decided in the final quiz that the Mole had to be Rodman. The two guys weren't in an alliance with each other, so they didn't share information, nor did they try to betray each other with bad intel. You'd think that Curry would see that him picking Everhart with every quiz and him sticking around had something of a cause-and-effect relationship, right? No! Not stupid, addle-brained, unfunny Curry. Rodman, against all odds, won the jackpot. And Mr. Cooper hung himself.
  
• Mark Cuban busts Linda on her cry of poverty, The Benefactor: When you sign up for these reality shows, you basically submit your entire life to exposure on camera, including your home life. So, knowing this important information, you would make sure you wouldn't say anything that would easily be exposed as a lie, right? No! Not poverty-crying, actually affluent Linda, the New Hampshire hockey player. She called herself ghetto, she makes a sob story out of the fact her fiance had to look through every couch in the state to scrounge up the change for a ring, etc. ad nauseum. So, Mark Cuban takes a trip to New England for a routine check. And he finds out that Linda and her loved ones live in a good part of town with all the bling-bling and livin' large one could ask for living in New England. Even Cuban can't turn this one over; he bumps her off in favor of his new best friend forever Dominic and eventual winner Femia.

I gotta say that last season, George wasn't much better than Carolyn, if at all. When he said that $10 will make or break a contract regardless of the size of the contract, I lost all respect for him as a businessman.

In the Real World, $10 can get eaten up in 5 minutes.

jhlipton...too true. Randy can eat $20 if you give him enough pot. Good times.

Worst Moment: Chapera celebrates Susan's departure, Survivor: All-Stars

To review: during an Immunity Challenge, Richard Hatch grinds his exposed teeny weenie on Susan Hawk. Over time, she goes a little nanners. At the ensuing Rewards Challenge, Susan goes double ballistic with cheese and proceeds to quit the game. It was an ugly moment, made worse by Kathy's shit-eating grin. But she's on Mogo Mogo. So how did several members of Chapera react afterwards? By singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." I swear, the next time anybody gets all giggly over the Ramber overload, they gotta remember Rob getting his kicks like that. Oh, as for Tom's dancing? If Sue were to pull a "Misery" and hobble the hick, I'd have zero problems with that. (Sidenote: Amber didn't go for that, if I recall correctly. At least the kids wouldn't be totally messed up in the head)

Honorable Mention:

Coral Almost Dies: Yes, this is debated on the Challenge forums. Some believe that Coral got bit by a spider. Some think she lied about it and was merely exhausted. But it didn't get as painful as watching supposed best friend Mike yelling at her to get up during the final mission. And after the team lost, Mike and Nathan acted like babies. In retrospect, I understand Nathan's reaction...after all, this was probably the last time he'd ever go for big money.

Jonathan Loses It: I know, I know...which time? This was the big one...he's screaming at Victoria to leave the bags on a mad dash to the Pit Stop, she's screaming and crying and carrying both sets of bags. And for what? First place? Anyway, they lose out to Haydan and Aaron, and he slaps her bag and harangues her. Phil actually got cross enough to tell Jonathan to talk to his wife. Seriously, if there were no cameras, Jonathan would've had an impressing in his face the shape of a Kiwi's fist. Easily the worst TAR moment ever.

I don't remember the $10 comment, but I will add that George wasn't totally great. However, frequently in both seasons I much preferred his quiet but sometimes bizarre analysis than Carolyn's self-hating pomposity, no matter how accurate she was.

Sorry but I need to get this out of my system: I have more Dumbass Moments of the Year:

• Rupert's underground hut, S: AS: I have trouble playing with Legos, yet it wouldn't even occur to me that if I needed to build a shelter on a deserted island, I would put it beneath the earth. You already have to build the damn thing, why do you need to add digging to the list of chores? To protect against diving birds? To have the collecting pool of rainwater right next to you so you don't have to get up out of bed?
  
• The Four Horsemen evict Holly, BB5: This is a bit complicated, but the essence is this: These four frat boys (Jase, Scott, Drew and Cowboy) had in their pockets bubble blonde Holly. Their idea was to bat around the Head of Household amongst them and evict the rest. Even in its second week it looked like this plan looked airtight ... until Holly and her helium voice started to annoy the living hell out of them. What does it matter, she's a vote. But Scott, Drew and Cowboy convince Jase to pry Holly's tongue out of his ear and evict her, thinking that Marvin and Diane would be more than happy to get into their in group. That turned into a two-person swing: Adria (or is it Natalie?), the intended evictee, stayed and, because she did, allowed her twin sister, Natalie (or is it Adria?) to enter the game, thus obliterating any plans of this 4-H Club to ride into the sunset together, cheek to cheek.
  
• Camille tries to sabotage Yoanna, ANTM2: The remaining girls were having dinner, or "dinner." Yoanna excuses herself, prompting Tyra Banks to ask is she uses the bathroom during dinner all the time. Camille, with whom Yoanna had a long-running (and seemingly one-sided) feud but did her best to bury the hatchet this ep up until this point, said, "Well," and insinuated something more sinister behind Yoanna's trip to the head. Too bad for her, for all those who saw her attempt to emote on her acting audition earlier in the series, that she couldn't convince anyone that Yoanna had an eating disorder. What really irked me is the face Camille made in attempting to plant this little secret in the other girls' heads: Her gaze made Paris Hilton's stare-off into the distance look like a sniper's focus into his sight. Camille also didn't bank on Mercedes being a goody-too-shoes, for when Yoanna came back (from a cigarette break, turns out), she ratted Camille out. She destroyed any goodwill she had from Yoanna, and besides, even if it did work, how in the hell was it going to help Camille win the contract?

I'm almost done.

Quote of the Year: You know it is! Colin, already rattled after Chip and Kim Yield him and Christie, pick the Detour whereby they have to ride an ox that will plow up a rope buried in a field. This ox could tell just by looking at him that Colin's a dick (that could just be wishful thinking), so he doesn't do anything productive, or at least anything Colin wants. After trying to order the ox around, he goes ballistic -- ballistic beyond which he has already gone. Say it with me: "My ox is broken! This is bullshit!"

Other Gems And Whoppers:

"You ask Sam what time it is and he tells you how to build a clock."
- Bill (?), where the task where Sam was PM, Apprentice

"That was really offensive to me. I'm a member of the PTA."
- Janice Dickinson, after being told that some of the girls may think she's a bitch, ANTM2

"He lies, he cheats, he pees on stuff..."
- Nakomis, giving her reasons to want to evict Jase, BB5

"Don't be stupid, stupid!"
- Tom, after pulling back a handshake to Boston Rob at final Tribal Council, S: AS

"When I got here off the plane, I was like, wow, I’ve never seen so many black people in my whole entire life, on this island. I was like, wow, this is cool! – Khalilah, it’s not offensive for me to refer to you as a black person, right?"
- Mary, Forever Eden

"My lips are big, but my voice is bigger."
- Fantasia, AI3

"What's vertigo?"
- Brandon, to Nicole, figuring out a Roadblock clue, TAR5

"I nearly dropped my teeth."
- Scout, upon learning that Dolly intended to vote out Leann, S: V

"If karma is a boomerang, I'll see you sooner than later."
- Will, to Adria, upon his eviction, BB5

"I don't know what 'karma' is. I don't know if he meant Karma Electra? I really don't know what the word means."
- Adria, to Natalie, trying to figure out what Will meant, BB5

"I would have at least liked my own cab."
- Wes, about sharing the backseat with the also-fired Maria, A2

"He was lustin'!"
- Robin, about posing with running back Clinton Portis, America's Next Top Model (this is from the first cycle which was first shown in 2003, but I forgot to include it for the 2004 RTA's, and I think that UPN's rerunning it this past summer provides me the loophole to sneak it in this year. Forgive me!)

"If I won $222,000 ... state tax ... government tax ... wife ... ex-wife ... Five kids. ... How would I feel? Broke."
- Dennis Rodman, CM: Y