Watching The Apprentice has taught me a number of things, including:

-You can be a wealthy, successful businessman who keeps rebounding from problems, but if you have a totally ridiculous hairstyle, you still look like a fool.

-You can have oodles of money, but if your apartment looks like Donald Trump's, you don't have good taste, and you can't buy it.

-If you have a serious facial tick, combined with an odious personality and a whiny voice like Maria's, you should really steer clear of reality shows.

-If you are looking for acceptance and validation like Elizabeth, you won't find it on The Apprentice.

-If you spend more time plotting against teammates than trying to win at the challenges, karma is going to come around and bite you on the ass, hard.

A little eyeshadow goes a long way.

Meeting your client is not “a waste of time.”

Jessica Simpson is actually a “rock” star.

A 4.0 from the University of Miami does not necessarily imply that you have command of the English language (i.e. "casted").

You can make it past the screening of 215,000 applicants to the final 5 only to be dismissed due to a lack of a college education.

If you’re going to prostitute yourself, you may as well go all the way and pose for Playboy instead of FHM.

Tony Danza is "one of the most popular television personalities of all time...a man whose career has stood the test of time."

Even after appearing a few times on the Apprentice, nobody still flies on Marquis Jets.

Mike Piazza has been recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists to deliver the keynote address at the American Dental Association’s next convention (for a nominal fee, of course).

You can be declared mentally unfit by popular vote. A psychiatrist’s certification is unnecessary. A wrongful dismissal suit would be thrown out of court because “everyone thinks you’re crazy.” Case closed.

Half-Indian and half-Irish genetics do not produce tennis prodigies.

It's OK (even humorous) to make fun of homosexuals, but questionable anti-Semitic comments are unacceptable.

Not only does the camera add 10 lbs, but it can also cause incessant blinking and spastic arm movements.

You can have a degree from Harvard and still fail miserably in the early rounds with immunity.

The token Asian and African-American will never be eliminated early, but will never win it, either.

The Apprentice is just a glorified Miss Universe pageant where DT is merely looking for a photogenic, well-spoken subordinate who'll just blend into the background during photo-ops. As long as DT gets his 1-hour commercial for his flagging ventures during primetime and the Apprentice-wannabes get a shot at Hollywood, everybody's happy.

It's OK to spend much more than you can afford as long as you can find someone nearby who you can call crazy.

-Sparkly tube tops, microminis...with Bare legs, hooker stilettos, low cut sundresses, "Bedazzled" jackets, leather anything!, and fake flowers the size of cabbages are appropriate business wear for extended job interviews. Who knew!?!

Even if you command a yooge empire, you can still look like a jackass when you dance.

Don't ever give an important presentation if you are prone to flop sweat or uncontrollable blinking of the eyes. You'll just freak out your audience.

And leaning forward & waving your arms so big while blinking & trying to do a presentation will make your audience cringe in terror.

Quote from unidentified Levi supervisor...."I've never been so scared in my life! I had to go hide in a corner after the presentation."

Appearing on TA makes some people lose all their common sense. People who normally behave in a fairly decent manner (I hope) go on this show and forget that there are consequences in the real world.

They start clawing and sniping at each other, and stoop to very questionable behavior, all for a chance to work for Donald Trump. Perplexing. I wonder if TD puts something in their food?

It's all about the 3-ply.

Dressing like a slut gets you places in life. Being a whore doesn’t.

If you have a catfight in front of your boss, your job will be spared. In fact, you will be commended for having a backbone.

If the place where you worked fired someone every week, with 33% chance that it would be the person in charge of whatever task was immediately at hand, then the backstabbing and scapegoating would ensure that nothing ever got done, and only the scum would rise to the top.

Blinding, irrational jealousy can make you go on a reality show, lose your damn mind, and run out into the streets of Manhattan, offering to strip for money.

If you are asked to join the cast of a Mark Burnett reality show, you might want to consider therapy. It’s not a stand-alone indicator of mental instability, but I think it should be added to those little “If you exhibit five-or-more of these traits...” checklists.

If you are a poodle, and you see a short, stocky man, with a foul mouth and a preference for porcelain over berber, RUN!

If you're pudgy in life, you'll be even pudgier on camera. Best not to wear open-necked shirts.

Don't wink at the camera. Period.

If you're developing a marketing campaign, no need to fear that you might underestimate the intelligence of marketing executives.

Rudely interrupting your co-workers to make your point is acceptable. Interrupt the Donald and you are out of there.

::Special cross-over lesson -- seen on both TA and TA:MS::

Baseball is death.