Wallace: Weevil, I would like to join your gang.

Keith: I'm thinking of growing an Afro.

Weevil: As the leader, I say we trade in our Harleys for cleaner less noisy bicycles with those bells on the handlebars.

I can actually see those last two lines being spoken on the show. Of course Weevil would be sarcastic, though.

Logan: Duncan, you know I was only dating Lilly to get closer to you, don't you?

Wallace: No, Veronica, just because I'm an office aide doesn't mean I'm your document bitch. Sneak out your own attendence records.

Veronica: I'm joining the cheerleading squad
(again, possibly in jest)

Sheriff: Of course I'm gay. What did you think all those 'wizard' remarks were about?

Keith: I think this is a case for the Sheriff's department.

Anyone: Hey Veronica
or..
Anyone: Hey Mars

Veronica: Logan, there is just something about you that makes me want to jump you and do all sorts of naughty things.

Weevil: I gotta bail guys, my piano lesson's starting.

Duncan: Hey, Veronica Mars, you can come back to the 09'ers. We realized it's not fair to make you choose between us and your dad.

Dad, I love you, but I'm not watching Galaxy Quest again.

Caitlin: You see, the neutron has a net zero charge because it is an electron-proton pairing whose difference in mass is due to a loss of bonding energy.

Lily: This is way too "Twin Peaks" for me. I'm leaving.

Or, the real reason Logan hates Veronica:

"Duncan, you know I was only dating Lilly to get closer to your dad, don't you?"



The tough part is-- again!-- she just might say that. Sarcastically.

She's a sarcastic little bunny.

Wallace: "I did it. I killed Lilly Kane."

Veronica: Like, whatever..........

Welcome to the Neptune, bitch!

I can imagine that last one happening.


Sheriff: Mars bars at the crime scene, that's evidence enough!

Sheriff: Evidence, schemivadence!

Lilly: Mummy's favorite book is Opedius Rex.

Jake: Dammit! I want to know who killed Adena Watson, er, my daughter.

nit


Actually, in the second episode we find that she and Lilly were both on the pep squad, which is the same thing at a number of schools. We also see them at a pep squad car wash in the pilot when Lilly mentions that she has a good secret.

Hee!

Veronica: My camera is broken! This is Bullshit!

Wallace: Weevil, would you like a backrub?

Celeste Kane: Duncan, I think you need to stop taking your meds.

Only in my dreams!

Veronica: Mrs. Kane, ready to go shopping?

Mrs. Cain: "your father never told you what happened to your mother, did he?"
Veronica: "He told me enough - he told me that you drove her out!"
Mrs. Cain: "No, Veronica. The truth is - I _am_ your mother!"
Veronica: "Noooooooo! It's not true! It's impossible!"

(Duncan, offscreen: "We're brother and sister? Euuugghh.")

Backup: "Will sniff clues for booze."

Veronica: ooooh, Wallace got a girlfriend... I knew it, boy, you're a playa, just like Kevin Hill!

Keith: Hey, Veronica, let's make out.

Eww. And ha!

Logan: But that would be dumb.

Hee. That made me laugh out loud.
Veronica : Oh screw the investigations. Let's watch Smallville. Lana Lang is sooo my favourite character....

Veronica: Got any weed?

Logan: Smoking pot is bad for you. I've got something better. Here.

Veronica: Cloves?

Jake Kane: I'm hosting the next season of "The Benefactor"

Celeste Kane: Well, he's just an excitable boy.
Ooh, wah ooh!

Keith (to Veronica): I just got back from your guidance counselor's, and she says you're doing wonderfully.

Keith: Veronica, I just saw your guidance counselor and I ended up creaming her coffee.

Veronica: Ewww!

Keith: That'll teach you to make jokes about your next date.

Why does this one sound like something that they might say?

Just Me? Ok, I'll get my coat then.

Celeste: Jake cries after he ejaculates.

Bwah!

This is probably only funny to me.
Veronica: Wallace, I need you to get a file...You're not Wallace.
Pete: Yes I am.
Veronica:No, really, you aren't Wallace.
Pete: C'mon, I was getting less than three lines an episode over at Smallville. I need to feel like a real sidekick again. Plus, I have nice abs, and I can product place whenever we are getting low on ratings.
Veronice:Wow, those are nice abs::Snaps photo:: Now get me Wallace before I pull out the taser.

No, it's totally not just funny to you. It's damn brilliant, is what it is.

Veronica: "Who's my Daddy?"

Oh wait... they could do that as a plot.

HA! Hahahahaha!

Lily: I have never... been a skank.

That's what I'm waiting for...

Jake: Veronica, I am your father.
Duncan: Then Veronica and I -- Ewww!

Veronica (voiceover): And what's with always calling me by my whole name? I'm telling a story and don't need a reminder of what my name is. Let's get on with it.

Lily: No, Veronica Mars. We cannot ditch the prom and go with our dates to Baja because that would be wrong.

Not so much a line you would never hear, but rather one I am desperately hoping we WILL hear...

Anyone: That Veronica Mars, she's one fine piece of ass

Might as well get this one out of the way...

Veronica: Dad, I'm a vampire slayer.


Don't get up, CB. I'll ban myself.

Ok, but that would be awesome.

Veronica VO: This is the city....

Keith: I know you don't want to see Dan, but this may be the last chance you get.

Veronica: I think you're in the wrong place.

Keith: This isn't North Carolina?

Keith Mars: No, it's California. You're in the right time slot, wrong show.

Keith Scott: Damn. This always happens. Sorry. (walks off)

Veronica: Man, those One Tree Hill guys are dumb.



Based on a mistakenly read description in the TV Guide

Keith: Ok Veronica, it's time I tell you the truth about your mother.
Veronica: Finally! She was having an affair with Duncan's dad, wasn't she?
Keith: I only wish that were it. No, the woman you knew is a lie. Your real mother is ::deep breath:: David Spade.
Veronica: Someone shoot me.

Logan: I've quit drinking, dude.
Duncan: When? How?
Logan: I found something that helped me express my pain instead of drown my sorrows.

Duncan: Speed?
Logan: Interpretive Dance.

Logan: I've decided to make my life have meaning after losing Lilly. I'm joining the Fransican monks.
Weevil: Dude, can I join you? They have bitchin' threads.

Veronica: So...what are you guys going to dress up like for Halloween?

Weevil: A Republican.

Wallace: Same here.

Okay, seriously, I need a new keyboard...Stat.