This. Just. In. The Australia / New Zealand Institute for Animal Breeding and Cloning has been secretly working on an Australasia hybrid....the Koallabee. This innovative creature should bring worldwide recognition to the land Down Under as well as give their tourism industry a boost. Top members of the institute however are baffled at how a fourth class pop "singer" from the US got wind of this highly classified information and heretofore disclosed it to the entire nation on a weekly reality series. Legal action is pending.

I'll join you in your horribleness. The only thing that would make it even better is if she were on Hollywood Squares together with Kathy Griffin. Then Kathy could snark on Jessica's stupidity in her one-woman show.

*hehe* Thats cute.

Sometimes she annoys me, but generally I like Kathy Griffin a lot and I would love to hear her snark on Jessica.

Or you go here.

Forget Jessica and Nick. What's up with NewlywedsSuperFan69???

*sniff* I miss her!

P.S. Thanks for the link ubi!

ubi...SQUEE!!! What a great link.

It was her. She was also the one explaining to Jess the difference between Billy Joel and Billy Idol last year. In all the wonderfully written recaps from last year, she was called, "Jess's cute assistant Casey".

Reading the recaps is highly recommended. They are much better than the original show.

While I am not a Squares watcher, I vaguely remember seeing dumb and dumber on the show once, probably during or after season 1. Or maybe I dreamt this.

Most definitely. And you get to know NewlywedsSuperFan69!

I'm thinking maybe ... Rent?

*hehe* Seriously, what is up with that? Is that the only musical hiring right now?

I was thinking to myself the girl was a BRAT when she was turning her nose up at that apartment they looked at. It was HUGE compared to apartments around here and very very nice. She is coming off as a moocher and I think we will see more *spats* this season because we are going into the third season which should be what close to two years of marriage by now. THE HONEYMOON IS OVER! Mine didn't even last the weekend LOL I can't imagine what it's like with cameras on you all the time. Also, I think someone just needs to sit Jessica down and say you are a grown woman now it's time to start acting like it. I mean pulling all of that stuff out your purse at a table to find a credit card? That was so childish. What does she do when Nick isn't there to take care of her?

Pout?

Her Daddy takes over, so she always has a man to think for her.

Since you guys were talking about Jessica's bad remake of Angels, I just listened to part of it on the internet. I thought most of her music sucked, but this is truly awful. Are you supposed to be able to hear her gasping for breath in between lines? Is she doing that because she thinks it's melodramatic or sexy or because she sucks? Do they actually play this crap on the radio?

I saw a documentary on the music industry not too long ago, the main point of which was that corporate consolidation was destroying the industry. They try to blame low sales on internet downloading, but really it's because they just put out crap. Do you think? If Jessica and Ashlee can continue to get record deals and get radio play, the industry is pretty much dead. Who buys this drek? I'll crank up my Pearl Jam, and soon I'll be okay again.

She's plugged in and re-charging.

Maybe all the cameras surrounding Nick and Jessica 24/7 induce performance anxiety in the bedroom? Or Jessica is not comfortable having sex unless a makeup artist is present?




I'm a 6'3" guy, and I have come to the conclusion that as a man in the dating game, being below-average height (5'9" or shorter) is much more of a disadvantage than being above-average height (6' or taller) is an advantage. In fact, it seems like a lot of petite/below-average-height women (5'3" or shorter) have a paralyzing fear of dating men over 6 feet. It's like a huge segment of the female population is out of my reach because I was doomed to be tall. :)

I love Robbie's version. Jessica can sing, but the faces NEED to go. She looks like she just got cock-smacked when she sings.

Angels is being promoted as the song that will win her a Grammy. Even Pa Simpson said so! Uhuh. And her sister Asschin will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I was watching the Dana Carvey episode of "Revealed with Jules Asner" (I think he's funny and I have a crush on her) earlier today and...

Dana related a story about how his 6-year-old son explained to his friends at school the details of his dad's angioplasty procedure about six years ago, something to the effect of "The doctors are going to remove my dad's heart, clean it off and put it back inside him."

I now have good proof that Jessica Simpson is as naive as a six-year-old.




Their TV variety show apparently got good ratings, and they're supposed to be airing a similar Christmas special in the fall. Unless Nick is otherwise occupied, why don't the two of them develop a touring variety show kind of performance?

As much as I think Jessica is a moron and Nick is stupid for staying with her, in many respects it's obvious that at this point he's tagging along with her. The rodeo marquee was funny. "Kelly Clarkson [platinum recording artist], Nick Lachey [tin recording artist] & Jessica Simpson [platinum recording artist]" One of those things doesn't belong. Although Jess did open for 98 Degrees when she started out and he gave her a leg up at the beginning of her career, so I think it equals out.

Are you serious, the assistant's name is CaCee? Not to mention, she's totally incompetent. Fire her ass.

What was fun was seeing the wad of cash that Nick casually pulled out to pay for the meal when Jessica couldn't find her "non-black" credit card.

Nick pulls out a wad of money and Jessica pulls out a wad of magazines. A match made in heaven!

I wonder, during Jessica's shows, does Nick come out and do even one song with her? I would think that was a huge bonus, if I somehow got hit over the head and woke up to find someone had dragged me to her concert. But I guess he's not always with her when she's on this tour.

The cameras are not on them "24/7" and they are not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom. There are only certain hours the cameras are around. I read this in much older posts (last season) but maybe somewhere on the MTV site you could find the "rules" they made for being on the show, if anyone's interested.

The Houston Rodeo concert was on March 16th, btw. I was there. Hey, I had to see Kelly. :)

I felt bad for Nick because they only let him sing one song by himself. He sung the Newlyweds theme song, then Jessica came out and sang two or three songs. Then Nick came back out and they did "Take My Breath Away." Now when I was there I thought they both sounded pretty good. However, when they showed it on the show it sounded awful. ????

It seemed to me that Kelly Clarkson was the "main event" of the night. Almost like Nick and Jessica were opening for her. However, quite a few people left after N&J whick I found quite disturbing. :\

Ehh...well...I guess so.

I tried going to ubi's link a page back, but I don't think it worked for me.

What is the deal with this Newlywedssuperfan69, or whatever? Was this someone from old forums? I've read all the recaps, but the "hot forums" listed on the right are no longer working, I assume because Newlyweds had gone PH?

And an entire newsstand's worth of magazines.

That's because it doesn't take very long for her to "read" all the pictures. And she can't be suck with a magazine she's already "read".

Wait, wait - are you KIDDING me? When I heard her singing this on the show I didn't recognize it at all as the song I loved by Robbie Williams.

Why can't she stay in one octave when she's singing this song? I find it really distracting that she'll shriek one line and the next will be this breathy, gaspy low voice. Every other freakin' line!

This is something else I'm really curious about. Where in the heck do they get their money from? I had heard of Jessica Simpson before but she never really *hit it* like she supposedly is now and while 98 Degrees did have some popularity it's not like they were N'Sync, Backstreet of even NKOTB so surely he didn't make that kind of cash flow then. I mean the girl shops like there is no tomorrow(and so does her mother), their cell bills have to be outrageous because one of them is always on one, the cars they drive are not hoopties by any means LOL, and the house is beautiful. When she put out her first album her parents had to beg Grandma to empty her life savings so they could afford to do it because they didn't have the money themselves. Did she make that much going around to churches singing while Daddy was a youth evangelist? Do they charge just an outrageous fee for them to come onstage and do what two three songs at the max now? If that girl keeps shopping like she does they'll be in the poor house by next year.

"Nick is REAL and that is why I lurve him. He tries to adhere to a budget, he gives his wife crazy eyes, he tells her BFF to Shut up, his brother is his bestest bud and he plays with puppies and goats. Oh and he's a cutey"
[QUOTE]

Chocolatecherry, I agree (natch, cherries think alike). The rubbery lower lip, the dimples and baby blues, the biceps. And juxtaposed against her personality-wise, zow! Hot quotient thru the roof.

But my Nick-love wore off because he kept ... well... staying with her. And I suspect he always will. Just seems like the forever type, no matter what.

And she's this horrific thing. Spoiled, clueless, petulant, vapid, manipulative, empty, diva-ish, elitist (think of the housekeeper and others), liable to fall into sobs and tantrum-throwing at a no-show make-up artist, shallow, shallow, and did I mention shallow?

And he cried at an altar and pledged his love to the thing. And he's still there. And there is that old adage: "Show my what you love and I'll tell you who you are."

He chose a child in a woman's body who asks him questions he can answer without breaking a sweat. So he's kinda as crappy as she is. (Well not quite, but you know what I mean.)

Probably because Jessica's label would never allow it. They originally recorded Take My Breath Away to be part of a duet album, but apparently Jess's label vetoed that idea pretty quick and now the single is just Jessica.

Poor Nick.

Nah. I'm 5' even and I prefer taller guys. Many short women do. You must not be talking to the right women.

The spasms, the screeching, the breathyness, ech. My voice teacher would go to town on her. I learned the proper way to sing is to breath from the diaphragm, stand up straight, shoulders down, and your chest shouldn't move. Most especialy don't go up on tiptoes to reach a high note. Whomever taught her to sing should be horsewhipped. The only thing she does right is open wide.

I found this great picture of a blow up doll whose mouth (and hairstyle) exactly matched Jessica's for a Pixel Challenge but it's not in the archive anymore :(.

Word. My dream man is between 6'1" and 6'5".



I was unfamiliar with the song at all, and listened to Robbie William's version. All of it. Then I DLd Jessucka's and listened to part of it, because Deity help me, I couldn't get past the first 10 bars. She sucks the life out of anything in a 60-mile radius.

And on Nick:


Oh, he does. Marrying me. He just doesn't know it yet. Sorry, NewlywedsSuperFan69, you'll have to fight me hard for this one.

edited b/c I am a goob.

I don't know y'all. I am a 5'10" female, and all the tall guys seem to want tiny women.

Jessica has no clue how to be a grown, married woman. Nick saying that he wasn't getting laid, while inappropiate at the time, was quite sad. Part of being married is being intimate and close with your spouse. A marriage without that is not really a marriage. I feel bad for Nick. And bringing in a house guest that Nick obviously does not care for shows blatent disrespect for her husband and her marriage.

heh. It's sad but still... heh

When I saw Kelly's name on marquee, I was so hoping that she'd make an appearance on the show just so I could have something to look forward to. Unfortunately all I got was Jessica being inane. Poor Nick.

Amongst all of the magazines in her bag, there was also a script. I wonder if it was the doomed pilot she did for ABC.

Thank you squirrelyQ, I'm wondering the same thing. Yes, they've both sold some records and probably made some money from touring, and they must get something for doing this show. But, they aren't *megastars*. I sure hope they are saving some of it for a rainy day cause it might just start pouring when people get sick and tired of them.

And they can't use the Osbournes as an example. Yes, people got sick and tired of their reality schtick after a few years, but I'm guessing that Ozzy has royalties from Sabbath and his solo career that will last them for a long time. And Sharon may shop a lot but she is also a fairly savvy business woman. The difference is that Ozzy had a mega-career before he did reality tv so he didn't rely on that for popularity. Nick and Jessucka had C list careers before their reality show turned them into stars and so when people get sick of their schtick (and the minutes are ticking away on that one) they will become a sad sick joke.

I can just see them going the way of so many stars who didn't save any money and thought the ride would never end. Many sports stars fall in this category (but I can't think of any names). MC Hammer stands out as someone who didn't manage money well. Elton John, anyone? And he had a long great career. Willie Nelson? I mean if these guys can crap out financially, what hope do these two have?

Sadly, I can see her divorcing him and marrying a very rich man if the money train comes to a screeching halt. So sad for him. I can see him being happy living a pretty normal life without riches, but maybe that's wishful thinking cause he's so hunkalicious.

I am so disappointed about this show...the first season it was snarkeriffic, and it seemed like they actually loved each other. Second season, it seemed forced, and Nick's career was gone so it was a little sad. I only got to see the last half of this new ep, but man, it is just terrible. Ballerinos? Scream singing? Their sty of a house? And CaCee? Shit. TiVo is catching the full ep this weekend, but I am really not looking forward to it. I feel bad for Nick, and that upsets me, because I bet he would hate to think of all of us pitying him.

Regarding her singing, I think she actually does have talent, which just makes me more sad. She's just started this Muppet singing, the closed eyes, the bowel movement faces, and the screaming all take away from the fact that she CAN sing! A few times last season she and Nick were just singing around the house, and I loved it (O Holy Night, You Are My Sunshine, O Come All Ye Faithful). Also, I saw the Driven episode about her, and her voice is insanely good IMO. She is just shooting it all to shit for some reason. I wish she would knock it off and go back to actual musicianship.

And I second squirrelyQ and Medigal's concerns about their finances. Black AmEx? Personal valet service? These are things that career multimillionaires have, not C-listers like N&J. I wince every time they bring home a new car or video game or set of $1400 sheets. Oh, guys, please! Stop!!

I have to think about whether Nick will stay or not...there are good arguments either side. I think he will stay with her. Hmmm.

Newlywedsuperfan69 was a character that Stee created in the recaplets when Newlyweds was being recapped full-time. You're right, it has been placed in PH. IIRC, someone had the recaplets posted somewhere so you could read NSF69's whole saga. Maybe someone will correct me...

Word to that. Was it the Frontline episode on PBS, with the interviews with David Crosby (who, incidentally, cracks my shit up)? That was a good episode. I always think it's funny when megastars like Madonna take issue with KaZaa (or Napster in its day). Yes, you really are taking a financial hit, Madge, when that little 12 year old in Brooklyn downloads "Music" for her homemade CD. Those rich stars can shut the hell up about it; I am friends with someone from one of the early 80's BIGGEST bands and he is a prolific user of KaZaa. He has next to no money from his days of popularity (mismanagement is legendary in the music biz), he could really stand to have people PAY for his music instead of downloading it, but he doesn't gripe about it. I think he's just happy that people remember him and the band!

I'd gladly pay for music if anything new was of quality. I quite like Jet these days, and I am seriously considering buying the CD. It will be the first non-80s-music CD I have purchased in well over five years.

Anyone remember when tunes had lyrics? The other day I was listening to the radio and "Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms came on. Damned if I didn't know every single word to that song. I realized how much I missed music you could sing along to, music with thoughtful lyrics. I can't sing along to Jessucka's screeching. It's too painful on the voice, and makes your brain turn to mush.

Jessucka to me is indicative of everything that is wrong with music these days: she has a decent singing voice, but she mucks it up with showboating and bad technique (yet people will oooh and aaah about what a "great voice" she has). She's physically attractive, but she relies on that to take her places her limited talent will not. Worse yet, she plays this ditzy character and is supposed to be adored for it. What in the hell happened to women in music? I mean, Omarosa kept referring to Jessucka as "a rock star." Jessucka? Nah. Try Chrissie Hynde. Janis Joplin. Michelle Phillips and Cass Elliot. Joan Jett. Edie Brickell. Grace Slick. Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie. The GoGos, the Bangles, the Runaways. Wendy and Lisa from The Revolution. Hell, even Alanis Morrisette. But Jessucka? She's not fit to carry their microphone stands.

Oh, and one more thing: poor Nick. Just watched the new episode and I felt so damn bad for the guy. He just seems like a real sweetheart, very down to earth and fun to be with. Lots of common sense and native intelligence, two things I like in a man. He was so cute watching the games. mr. maggie is like that with college football. And there is no joy in the house if Purdue loses, believe me you. I would never dream of making fun of his favorite team if they lost.

He needs to dump Jessucka and try to make a new career and life for himself. I only hope he is getting a little ass on the side...hopefully with a woman who can hold a conversation that isn't about nail polish, spending lots of money on clothes, or the Pussycatdolls.

If I remember correctly, the Osbournes are raking in some big scratch from Ozzfest. Sharon created the festival and Ozzie headlines. Bands are clamoring to get aboard tha sweet ride. Even when Ozzie's career ends for good, they'll still be set. Nick and Jessica have nothing similar.



That's what I thought. It's not that she doesn't have a good voice; it's that the hystrionic screeching is painful. But that's her idea of good singing. Remember the first season when they wanted her to recut a song so that the fans could sing along with it. Boohoo, they want me to sing it like I'm not a good singer. The ten different octaves, the screeching glory notes, to her this is good singing. I blame Mariah Carey.



It was. It was very good.



Not to nitpick, but I doubt Jessica is capable of having a conversation about nail polish. Polishing your nails is for the little people. People like her get manicures. You don't have to know anything about nail polish. Just like you don't hve to know anything about wiping up spills when you have a maid.

I think Stee has the story of Newlywedssuperfan69 on his website. At least he said so just before the old forum got wiped.

Sharon Osbourne is a ferocious business manager. I remember reading something about them making $20 million off Ozzfest between the ticket sales, merchandising and everything else. Creepy Pa is Jessica's manager. No comparison. They are totally living beyond their means. Drew probably made the same amount as Nick, if all band members split income equally, and he doesn't live in a million dollar home and buy $1400 sheets. Jessica got some money from that wedding book, from her sponsorship of Dessert, her album sales and radio play, and they're getting we don't know how much per episode. Her tour doesn't seem to be selling out and that's where the money really comes from.

I read that Jessica was making upwards of $18 million from her commercial endorsements (Pizza Huts, Mint Ice, and the four or five other products she's shilling for).

Something about him just makes me want to give him a hug, sit him down on the couch with the remote, and ask, "Can I get you a beer?" That's what I would do for my husband, Jessica. But then, I love my husband.

NewlywedsSuperFan69 can be found at:
http://www.plaintivewail.com/

I'm wondering if she got pregnant from her sex/nonsex encounter with Jeremy.



So true. I'll bet she can't even find nail polish in her house.

Stee's site does have all of the NewlywedsSuperFan69:) recaps; they are in the March 31, 2004 entry. And regarding the Jeremy sex/nonsex incident, I am still wondering exactly what it is that they did! Oh Stee, what a master. He is sorely missed.


How long will that last, though, if she's got a personal valet and thousand-dollar-sheets and shopping sprees basically every day? I don't see her sitting down with a financial manager and investing most of it, like she should...maybe Nick or Greasy Joe insist on it, actually. I don't wish her any ill will, but it really sickens me to see her (and to an extent, him) just throwing money away so blatantly and wastefully. Everyone here seems to agree she can't find nail polish in her house, or put her clothes away, so I imagine that when she can't find something, she buys a new one instead of just looking for it. I get that vibe from her.

I do want to give Nick a hug. He definitely gets the short end of the stick here, but hey, he agreed to put his marriage on TV. Don't throw tomatoes at me, I am full of love for that poor guy, but he is a fame whore at some level. I have his album and I tried to get into it because he is such a nice guy and, I think, a good singer, but that album was just plain boring. I even took it off my iPod, and I am a pop culture whore of the highest order. Mr. ausgezeichnet is always laughing at how cheesy my iPod is. I hope he gets another chance; maybe he does, too, and that's why he's still doing the show. This way people remember his name and that he sings. How long is his current record contract anyway?

Thanks guys!!!



I think I had a cyber-orgasm just reading that list. Holy balls of fire! These girls have NOTHING in common with her.



Yeah, except Mariah Carey has been able to carry it off.

For those wondering how much money Jessica has, Forbes is about to release Celebrity 100, and according to them she's made $4 million in the past year or so. She's listed under "One Year Wonders" (hee!) and she's ranked 61.

My guess: I said it back then and I'll say it again--that'd be up the butt, Bob.

Stee was definitely the master. NSF69 was the bomb.


Finally got to catch the season premiere. The PA-wannabe---there are no words. What a waste of human flesh. I watch football like Nick watches March Madness and honey, you rub stuff in my face like that and you. will. die. Jessucka is just the usual meringue topping.

I don't blame Mariah Carey either because she was able to pull it off. Jessica reminds me more of Christina Aguleria. She was another one that in the beginning was awesome (think Mulan Soundtrack especially) but then she started all the other crap. I want to hear music that is just that music-not a bunch of oooooooo uuuuuuuuuu and breathing over and over. I mean does everyone have to add three verses of yeah yeah yeah and oooooooo to their songs nowadays?