Hah! So now Jessica is reviewing her own stuff on Amazon.

Maybe it's about geometry - not God.

The Vanity Fair article. What a crock of shit it is. And dude, her teeth look HUGE in the close up picture.

Jess didn't have a boob job. That was one reason why they had to produce and market their own Christian albums of hers (the family) because all of the record companies said she was too sexy to be a Christian artist because she was so well endowed. At like 14 years old the girl was already a C cup. She just has big boobs. The horrible thing about all of the plastic surgery is her nose! She had someone make it look like that? It looks like a man nose that was broken in a bar fight.

Well, I would take that excuse with a grain of salt. Jessica and her family have a disturbing sense of entitlement and make excuses when they don't get what they want. She talked and talked about playing Jeannie in "I Dream of Jeannie" and then when she didn't get it--I'm just guessing here, but perhaps because she can't act and is incapable of memorizing lines--she claimed she really didn't want the part. It's possible that at age 14, she wasn't really an accomplished enough singer to justify giving her a record deal, and the family deluded themselves into thinking that it's because she's too sexy. I just don't find that plausible. They're just full of excuses. You know, sometimes you're just not good enough. Deal with it.

I'm not calling job, but I'm at least calling lift. NO ONE has boobs that big and that perky. No one is claiming she doesn't have naturally big boobs, (we've discussed that like 85 pages ago) but they look plenty perky in non-bra-friendly shirts.

ETA:

I'd like to add "Failed TV show=I didn't really want to do it anyway!" and WORD to that as well.

Ok so she's not really dumb, but her and Nick are being themselves?? Will she make up her fucking mind already. That article was a total crock of shit if I have ever seen one. Nice spin they put on everything though. Especially about Ashlee's song Shadow and how it made them all weep. It's amazing because they add more shit to the pile with every new thing that family says.

She enjoys working her butt off?? Then how come everything we see her doing a show or what not she's pissing and moaning that she doesn't want to do it. Seriously ok I am tired of them saying the show is great and it hasn't hurt there marriage or whatever and then out of the other side of her mouth she says she wishes she never did it and Nick can't wait for it to be over. Like it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that having cameras around 24/7 would suck.

Hard to mimic vocals and perfect looks? Che, right. Pops is far too into his daughter. And those poses are so much more tasteful than a Hooters uniform.

In the Vanity Fair article, it says Lea (Drew's wife) is Jessica's choreographer. I thought she was an event planner.

I didn't know 98 Degrees sold that many records (10 Million). I'm no expert in the record business, but could Nick and Drew live off their 98 Degree $$$? I've seen enough Behind the Musics to know that selling millions of records doesn't make you a millionaire.

Those are clearly the children from the village she saved by wearing that heinous shawl. Now she's bringing them the gift of music!

If Jessucka wins a Grammy for Angels (or Angles), it will make the Milli Vanilli incident look like a credible decision.


Their money most likely came from touring and merchandising, plus whatever song writing they did.

Wow, that article made me want to throw up. I usually try to see good in everyone, but it made it very hard for me to find one good thing about Jessica.

1)

Jessica's response? Something like "I know she never got to live a normal life, and now she realized she wasn't supposed to."

Excuse me?? She wasn't supposed to? Why, so you could go to your NINE different record labels to beg and plead for them to sign you? So you could follow YOUR dreams, and continually convince yourself that you are talented? STFU, Jessica.

2) Her father saying that her "five octave" voice range and "perfect looks" nearly "destroyed her career"? What a crock of shit. God, how many times can he say how beautiful she was. I mean he literally said it five times. That is so creepy. I mean, I think every father thinks their daughter is beautiful. That's normal....but the way he says it is just too creepy. He talks about her the way Nick should talk about her. He even had the nerve to say "They're not looking at her hair or her boobs" or something like that. Ugh!!!!!!!

She is just so hyprocitical and verucasalty said it perfectly:



ITA...I just don't understand what angle she is coming from. I feel so, so bad for Nick. I think I would be in a straight jacket right now if I had to deal with these people.

She could be both. Jess is such a bad dancer anyone could be her choreographer.

I refuse to read that article after seeing how pissed everyone is about it. That's all I need!

I have a feeling "Angles" is gonna be a big hit for Jessucka. "I'm lovin' angles instead". Instead of what? Pi?

Brilliant, simply brilliant. I wonder if she likes them angles obtuse or acute...

DON'T DO IT!!!
I just read it, and I am in fact- pissed. Such delusion. I wonder what the writer was thinking when they actually sat down to write it? I wonder if the yelled over the cube, "hey Pat, come over here and read the shit the Simpson family actually said! You'll never believe it!"

I doubt it. I heard it once on the radio about a month ago and haven't heard it since.

I know the Grammys are a crock, but she MANGLES what was once a beautiful song. No one should prefer her version to the original. Do yourselves a favor and listen to the Robbie Williams version, it is infinitely superior.

I just can't believe she has the audacity to remake decent songs! Does she think she does anything more than yell into the microphone? Does she think she improves the songs?

Sadly, according to Mediabase, Angles (sic) is at #23 and rising. My damn station plays it all. the. time.

Lea is a classically trained dancer. She danced with a NY Ballet Company and was rockett. After that she was a choreographer for 98º.

Wow, really? Go, Lea! I like her a lot and wish she were on this season. CaCee makes me dumber everytime I watch her.

Yeah Lea is a very sweet person. The good one that married into the Lachey family. Oh and yes 98degrees sold 10 million records, I suspect they have made quite a bit of money, and the since the guys don't have the rockstar mentality they have held on to quite a bit of it.

Word. She went from Floppity McFloppit to Perky Turkey.

That VF article is all kinds of vomitrocious. And big deal, Tina was a virgin until she was *18.* Yeah, that's a miraculous feat. That whole family is so totally ugh. Nick, I want to love you from afar but if you knew that Ma and Pa Simp were going to be all up in your life every day and you still married her, then you are a big ol' dumb donkey and you deserve the crap you get from them.

Ananayel, if that's true, then not even my Hugh Jackman lust will get me to see the third one.

This had better just be a rumor. I will be so pissed.

I bet you they did too. 98 degrees was popular but a little under the radar, so I think the guys on the band may not have felt the pressure to "live it up" like others. Plus, they are Lou Pearlman-free, right?

Can't stress enough how normal Nick seems. Not sure if this is just for the show, but he shops at Home Depot, kills his own bees, put his own pool covers, loads his video games, etc. While Jessica paints this as "cheap", it seems like he's being a real person, who figures a little hard work never killed anyone.

Not to stereotype, but I think his midwestern roots are really one that makes him see he was lucky to be in a band and therefore shouldn't squander his money. I'm surprised he lets Jessica act the way she does.

Aren't those LV bags hideously expensive? I assume anything that gets turned into a knockoff and sold on the corner of my office bldg was originally really expensive.

Something seems wonky in that article. The first paragraph says she "landed the role," yet the last paragraph seems to be far less definitive:



(Spoiler added just in case.)

BLARGH. I'm just looking for an excuse for that story to not be true.

Yes 98 was fat bastard free. Oh excuse me Lou Perlman.

"Angles" (hehehe) is getting played A LOT around here, but her sister Asslee's song is getting played more.

Jessica categorically does not have a 5 octave range. He's blathered about that before and no matter how many times he says it, it ain't true. She would actually be able to hit those notes instead of screeching. Mariah Carey is supposed to have a 5 octive range. I'd give her two, maybe three at most.

What a stupid article.


One of the funniest SNLs in recent memory? Is that a joke? A role model?


BWAH!

Considering she misses notes in the recorded version of Angles, I don't think we can even give her the two.

I read this somewhere before, maybe the FT threads? But I do remember hearing it because I had to ask my boyfriend (an Xmen fan) who Dazzler was and what her powers were and stuff.

I think what they're doing is laying her character for a bigger role in the next Xmen movie (if there shall be one) kind of like how they did with some characters in the first Xmen movie who were just in the background but then they got bigger roles in the second movie.

I kind of think Jessica would make a cool Xmen. Xman. Xwoman. Whatever. Now there's just the issue of her lack of acting skills.......

ITA. I love Nick, but DUDE. Stand up for yourself.

While reading that article, he says something like, "I'm all for discretion and not telling people everything, but I'm glad Jessica has that kind of closeness with her mother" (in reference to Jess sharing the Amazing Sex comment). So, basically, Nick doesn't feel comfortable with her sharing things that personal, but doesn't want to interfere in their special relationship. What he needs to do is set some boundries for Jess. He's half the marriage too, and deserves to have his privacy respected. IMHO, she should be able to tell her mom anything she wants about her-- but as soon as it involves Nick, or his secrets, she needs to zip. It. Including finances, their private vacation spot, and anything that goes on in the bedroom.

I move that from henceforth, we now refer to her hackneyed, screeching, shit-rendition of that song now be referred to solely as "Mangles." It is just too priceless for words.

All in favor?

Aye.

Please, PTB, no X-Men Jessucka. Pretty please?

Aye, BostonPugGirl.

"Mangles" sounds more accurate to me!

I think her special talents are more suited to this cartoon character.

So I am having my morning coffee, flip on the TV, hear a familiar tune and it is Jessucka singing 'Mangles' (brillant). I weep for one of my favortites, I weep for Robbie...dude, I know it is tough to break into the US market, but come on, have a little dignity.
Is tonight the ep with the baby?

ETA: I total agree with absinthe on this one.

I actually would like to see the Jem movie. Hee hee. So the Jem "band" (The Holograms) is JS, with Britney, and Hillary Duff. And the Misfits would be the "rockers" like Asslee, Avril, and Xtina. And the fugly boyfriend is Nick Lachey, or Nick Carter, or even Aaron Carter for good measure. Any other 80's children out there who would find this amusing?

ETA: This idea was originally by absinthe, to give credit where credit is due.

Natalita your idea sounds truly outrageous.

Cool idea, Natalia, but that Battle of the Bands would SUCK!

Hey, hey, hey. No need to drag Jem and the Holligrams down that way.

Yes. Most likely they were screwed on their album sales, as most young bands are. The way album sales work is by "points." This is to say, an artist's management negotiates with the record company a certain percentage of the profits to be paid to the band when the record sells. It can be as high as 8 or 9 points per record (if you're a proven winner, like Eminem), or it can be as low as 1 or 2 points per records (some of the best-known bands in the world have had this type of "deal.")

If you're a songwriter, you really hit paydirt if you retain control of your publishing. What that means is, it's your song, and if you maintain its rights, every time it gets used for something, you get paid. Usually a lot of money. A good example of this is that tune "Down Under." It was written by two Men at Work band members, Colin Hay and Ron Strykert. Assuming they retained their publishing rights for the song, they were paid big time when the song was used for the Australia Tourism Commission ads, the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, and most recently the theme song for Outback Jack. Those two get paid. The remaining three Men do not see a brass farthing for it.

If you don't publish, touring and merchandising is how you make your money. Touring can be surprisingly profitable, if it's handled right. Remember in the movie Almost Famous when the big shot manager comes along and shows the band how they were losing money while being on the road? It's absolutely true. However, if a band is smart and surrounds itself with good people, a lot of money can be made on the road.

If you're smart when you are no longer famous, you invest your money and live the modest lifestyle you were living before you made it big. A million dollars may seem like a king's ransom, but if you are buying Jaguars and Louis Vuitton bags and holding cocaine parties at your mansion in Benedict Canyon, that million will dry up fast.

Then the producers from E! and VH-1 call.

That was "The Sweetest Sin," and I continue to be mystified by how much I love it, compared to the unlistenable dreck she's since released.

Is this what happens when you become too famous for your producers to contradict? Maybe she needs to listen to them again.

I'm sure they're circling like sharks already, just waiting for the train wreck.

Dolly Parton always thanks Whitney Houston for making her millions of dollars. The royalties for I Will Always Love You go to her. Since Ashlee has co-written a bunch of the songs on her album, she may make more money off straight sales of her album than Jessica has. The apartment is much lower maintenence than a house, and she has money from acting in 7th Heaven. If she doesn't blow it on $1400 sheets she could eventually end up ahead.

FYI since we were on the topic. 98º wrote many of their own songs and were publishers as well, so I think they did just fine with money. People assume they didn't do well because they didn't sell like Nscuk and Back Door Boys.

Right on to the Jem movie!!

If I was Nick, I would be going crazy about how Jessica spends money. All the shopping she does... But I guess her excuse is that it's her money, so she can spend it any way she wants. I wonder if she goes broke, if her family will help her?

I agree, KateQD, I think I love Jem too much to see her played by Jessica. I don't think she's truly outrageous or contagious. Well, maybe contagious, but not like they mean.

verucasalty, Lea was a rockette? She always seemed short to me, like around Jessica's height and I thought you had to be at least 5'8" to be a rockette.

I loved Jem as a kid and would shamefully be one who would watch it (better if it were on TV so I could do it in the privacy of my home). If I remember correctly, I always thought that Jerrica was a prissy wimp and kind of liked the Misfits better. So maybe Xtina and co. would be a good choice.

Hopefully Nick made a lot of money and has it stored in some swiss bank account under an assumed name, because with those $1400 sheets, he'll go broke quickly. (sheesh, you can get great sheest on Overstock.com for a steal!).

Did anyone else catch that AtoZ Nick and Jessica thing on MTV last night? ( I swear I was waiting for the I love the 90's to start). I didn't know what Jessica was inspired to sing because of a wind in her hair!?! And that she says "Oh my Gawh"... what an absolute retard!

I just picked up this week's USWeekly. Jessica and Nick are in an inset on the cover. The story is about their plans to start a family and says they want to adopt from an underdeveloped country. Jessica says they're talking about it because "Nick's getting old" (yes, she actually said that, I'm not kidding.) The article also says they plan to move because their house is a "set" and this will be the last season of Newlyweds.

Jess as a mutant? Hahhahhahahhhahah.

But I'd pay serious money to see Nick in X-Men combat-leathers with Hugh Jackman and James Marsden.

So that's a country where the women are small-breasted, right?