Great recap, JoePerry! Sounds like a truly craptacular time. I just found out today that Jess will be in my town in concert next week. I briefly considered going just to report back to you all here. But fortunately you took the bullet for me. I owe you my life. Literally. Because sitting through that? Would definitely have killed me. Definitely.

Please, tell me you actually yelled that out. I mean, you're already my hero for braving that crap to report back to us, but if you actually yelled that... I may have to build a shrine.


Hee, hee, hee. That made my do a happy dance at my computer. 'Cause I'm evil like that. Thanks for the report! Yummy free hot dogs!

So, no making out with Nick then? Maybe next time. ;)

ETA: *starts building spiffy shrine to JoePerryRocksMyWorld*

Yes I yelled it out loud and proud. Some people were giving me "the eye" but my friends were all laughing and Jessica's wailing was almost drowning me out anyway. Also, I forgot to mention that another audience question was "when do you plan to have children?" Right then I yelled, "PLEASE DON'T EVER REPRODUCE!"

Let's all join in together in song for JoePerry..
Did you ever know that you're my hero......[facial contortion]...



Ha!

More importantly - did you buy a Jessica t-shirt?



She'll probably adopt one of those South American crocheting kids whose village she saved.

I suppose the paparazzi take hundreds of photographs because they never know which one will be comedy gold like this one.

As for who buys Us and People and the like...well, I do when I'm about to be on a short flight. Not enough time to fall asleep and it's too short to get down and dirty with a novel, so they fit my needs perfectly even if they do make me look like a shallow ditz.


JoePerryRocksMyWorld,


You rule like a big slobberin' dawg. Like Clairee said in Steel Magnolias, if you can't say anything nice, come sit by me!

JoePerryRocksMyWorld, you are a true patriot. Your tolerance for pain must be really high. In the spirit of Independence Day, you endured a sucky concert just so you could confirm to your fellow Americans what we always suspected - Jessica sucks. Dude, you should get a medal or something. You did this - for us? Awww!!



Hey now, shallow ditz is perfectly fine every now and then, QuickyChick! Can't be rocket scientists all the time, ya know? :) I catch up on my celebrity gossip online every day during lunch, and do I apologize for it? Nope.

Yelling that her PaSimp is gay is priceless! I couldn't be prouder if I'd done it myself.

The only thing that could have made it any better would have been if you and all your friends had been wearing "Free Nick" T-shirts at the time.

Man, she looks fucked up.




I thought she confirmed several times that this was fake. This plays into my general distrust of the media.

I did a search and found this. You have to scroll down. They have now decided not to do the book even though they were offered $1 million dollars. Yeah right!



I think this was another attempt by Jessica's handlers (her dad) to cover her butt. They probably couldn't get a publisher to accept the project. Just like when she talked and talked about her upcoming sitcom. After ABC rejected her pilot, her people put the word out that she didn't want to do a sitcom.

Word! Damn Britney get a brush!

And some Accutane.

wasn't she telling people she was going to be Jeannie in the I Dream of Jeannie remake before it happened too? And Daisy Duke ??

O.K. so I have something so horrific to share. I know I am among friends and you guys will talk me down right?

I am new to this thread but have been lurking for awhile. I am obsessed with the Newlyweds. I have only seen the ones on MM and even if it a repeat I must stop what I am doing and watch again. Jessica is as dumb as they come, it is like a train wreck. I even have an e mail reminder sent to me for when the show is on.

I think I am a little better for admitting it. Although I am still excited to see the Jessica cooking episode even though I have allready seen it twice. Maybe I should look into that under water basket weaving class I saw.

AlmondEyes

Haha, word, AlmondEyes, if we all band together we can educate the world about nerds with a taste for all things glitterati. The funny thing is, my chosen profession is actually pretty close to rocket scientist (started as one, then the career path took a slight curve). Which makes it doubly delicious when people look at my reading material and smirk. Heh. Ignunt bitches.

Jessucka? Well, she just reminds me of a PEZ head when she sings. I bet PEZ would be more than happy to make a commemorative edition dispenser featuring the Jaw That Ate Berlin. Even better if it spits out tuna pellets.

Everyone must go read through Britney's Fametracker thread. Comedy gold.

Here's an update on some of Jessica's projects.

But beware--either have a bag of Cheetos handy, or an iron will.

Fuck. Looks like Stinky Ass might be a Bond girl.

Everyone has to read this one. She talks shit about housewives. This is the real her, guys.

Wow. I didn't think I could hate this girl more. Wasn't her mom a housewife? You know before she became her "manager." I HATE Jessucka. I hope she spends all of her money so she's too broke to eat out everynight and Nick cheats on her with Alyssa Milano.

Vermicious Knid, I'd love to read anything that promises comic gold. Can you post a link to the fametracker thread that you referenced? I love your name, BTW.

QuickyChick, that's pretty funny. Whether you're a current or former rocket scientist, that's impressive stuff indeed. Never know who you're rubbing shoulders with here at TWoP, which is why I love it here so much. In my profession my colleagues would probably sneer down their noses at my penchant for all things gossip. Hey, I ain't too proud to beg for my celebrity gossip fix. Let them ignunt bitches laugh.

Bond girl? Isn't it enough that they're allegedly seriously considering her for the Daisy Duke part? She can barely remember her name and has the attention span of a two year old. How the hell can she memorize lines? I'm already looking forward to the behind-the-scenes snark about how she held up production because directors have to spoon-feed her every. single. line.



Now, would that be tuna, or chicken, or . . .

Huntsy (paraphrasing)


Don't worry, you're among friends. The first step to recovery? Admitting you have a problem.

edited cause it's not cool to spell fellow posters' names wrong

Literary agent, my ass. Like Jessica even knows what "literary" means.

Thank You Almond Eyes. I feel cleansed.

Did we ever find out if Nick returned the bling bling watch that Jessica gave him for his Birthday?

From the "women who cook aren't sexy" article:



Well, maybe not pie, Jess dear, but you should see the way my husband reacts to homemade chocolate chip cookies! Some men like it when you do nice things for them, just like you want him to do nice things for you.

Man, I hate her. Flames.

Yet I'll still watch the stupid show. I wish I could stop.

Ok, who else thinks Jessica paid for Cacee's lasik eye surgery?! I think she is a total leech on Jessica AND her money!

This makes you wonder what blondes of a certain ilk ([Kelly Ripa]Strawberry blonde, cornsilk blonde, sandy blonde, dishwater blonde--I love experimenting with my hair![/Kelly Ripa]) really expect from life. At least Nick seems to do stuff around the house. And when you watch Asslee's show (shoot me) and see that she doesn't even know how to mop a floor, it's just baffling. What the hell kind of expectations were instilled in them, that they're so useless? I tell ya, I hate these girls' parents soooo much...

Liar! We've seen her use that washing machine on the show. Not that she knew what she was doing, but she was definitely using it.

BitBit's Fametracker thread. I only backed up as far as the announcement of her engagement, which was about page 90, but that was more than enough.

I swear I saw him wearing it in the shot of them getting kicked out of the club a few pages back.


No, no. The washing machine was definately using her.

(Damn you for linking me to Britney's thread. I almost choked to death on my GrapeNuts!)

Talk about 'be careful what you ask for!' Thanks for the link, Vermicious Knid. Looks like I've found another addiction. But TWoP will always be my first love. :)

Can't wait to hear Jessica compare herself to Meryl Streep or something like that. Because she will, you know.

Well, now, that depends on the guy, my dear!

And, please. What kind of mother lets her two daughters get past the age 16 without knowing a) how to mop a floor; b) how to prepare at least some simple dishes; c) how to wash her own clothes; d) how to pick said clothes up from the floor and put them away? Heck, I was doing all of the above not only for myself but often for my family by the time I was 12! Were their parents planning on their children growing up to be stars who would be waited on for their entire lives? Wait, don't answer that.

Also, Jess, just a hint: not everyone can afford to eat every meal out or have it brought in, 'mkay? I don't see why she doesn't get that seeing that she comes from a very middle class background. But I don't know why I expect things to make sense when it comes to her.

Muwahahahaha!

The laundry machine is using her for what? Not that fresh, clean feeling.

See, if Jessucka "uses" the washing machine on camera, then other people will use washing machines too. Then the villages that make washing machines will have to make more and the children can go to school! So, really, the washing machine is taking advantage of her generous nature by tricking her into "using" it! And that is exactly why using a washing machine when you haven't been tricked into it is unsexy.

I don't care if it is in quotes. That article sounds fabricated to me. If it is true then her mother should slap the shit out of her because her mother was one.

But like I said it sounds fake to me.

Confession: I missed the last Newlyweds episode, the one where the paparazzi attack Jurassic and Casey.

And I haven't really gone out of my way to catch a re-run.

Could this mean that....oh please, oh please....I'm free from the spell of Ditz on a Cracker and her entourage? Will it last? I mean, reading about Clitney on FT is oodles more fun. And reading y'all's comments on the Simps is absolutely more entertaining than actually watching the show itself.

JOEPERRY
Your recap of Jessica's concert was the funniest thing I've ever read.

How many girls over the age of 12 were in the audience, and were there any guys there?

Well they couldn't keep marketing her as a virgin anymore when the show first started.


I don't buy the article. #1 We've seen her do laundry on the show, and #2 Nick supposedly wanted her to be "more of a woman" before they married, which had her taking cooking lessons. So why would she say cooking wasn't important, when she took cooking lessons to please her husband?

And JoePerry, the most important question: Was Nick there?

If not, I hope he had a wonderful 4th of July hangin' out at the Playboy Mansion, but more likely, he was cleaning his pool and drinking Miller Lite with Casey making googly eyes at him.

The above is a quote from the article about the book that will not be written. She always makes comments like the above, and it gets on my nerves. I know some couples fight, and it works for them, but many couples do not fight and are very happy. It is one thing if a couple is strong and fighting does not hurt their relationship, but I think she is under the illusion that you have to fight in your marriage to be happy. My husband and I were together 5 years before marriage, and have now been married almost 3 years, and we just don't fight. We have small disagreements occasionally, but they just don't turn into much.

I just think that the fact she says the above so much makes me think that she is trying to make excuses for their many fights--trying to tell everyone how great it makes their marriage.

All I know is that I can't believe they thought they could write a book on marriage and relationships. Like someone already mentioned--there are couples that have been married for many years that would never attempt a book on marriage.

In regard to the domestic housewife article--why is Jess suddenly bashing cooking after giving all of these interviews in which she says she can cook really well? I guess she realized she can't cook, so she might as well bash those that can.

I dont even know what to think anymore. THis girl really angers me. And no plastic overtanned barbie look-alike famous for having subpar intellingence and asking childish toddler questions is worth getting upset over.

Read my encounter...I've met her without cameras she's an idiot, and also not very nice. I don't care if she's making alot of money she's a moron. I also don't think the show is staged too much. Neither of them are very good actors to show those kind of emotions.

FYI Incase anyone cares, Nick was in Wisconsin for the 4th at some Country music festival...

Did anyone read the US WEEKLY article about her "Saving A Village"..the designer of those shawls Jessica always wears, business grew dramatically after the show. Now the poor people in the village who make the shawls can send their kids to school. Nice for the people in the village. But Jessica was just accidently apart of that....

Also Jessica doesn't strike me as being a nice person, just a fake, bratty, woman who thinks she is wonderful because, she is famous due to outrageous stupidity.

Suprisingly, there were a lot of guys there. I, of course, was laughing at all of them. A lot looked like they were dragged there by girlfriends. But there were several groups of guys who either came with a group of girls or came alone. I'm assuming those guys came to try to pick up 17 year old chicks? I mean I know a lot of guys find Jessica hot, but I don't think they think she's hot enough to pay to see her "perform" live when you could just jerk off to her on your tv.

And there were a lot of girls that looked about 16, 17, 18. The parking lot scene was hilarious. A bunch of teenagers getting drunk off 2 beers and dancing like fools in their too-short mini skirts and too-tight tank tops. Most of the girls looked like actual prostitutes. They could have walked 4 blocks deeper into Camden and they would have fit right in.

So even though the concert was really awful, it was a blast to make fun of all the trash people who actually paid to be there.

Where is your encounter? I looked and didn't see it.



Who dragged you?

JoePerry won the tickets and graciously went in order to bring back the goods.

Ok, thanks I didn't read the recap.

Her tour is flopping and will probably lose money. Too bad her management didn't foresee this coming like Xtina's did. Summer concert sales have been sluggish. Much larger acts have had to move to smaller venues or cancel shows. I don't know why her people didn't go for the smaller venue and opted for the 15,000-20,000 areans. That is Britney territory and despite the critics she was selling out the joint. She reportedly left one million per night on the table for cancelling her tour. I don't believe for a second her injury is faked.

Back to the topic, Norah Jones moved to smaller venues when her larger venues were not selling. Jessica looks to be topping out at around 5,000-7,000 people. I know she did sell out Radio City and was near capacity at the smaller venues.

I did read that she is getting up to $150,000 per show. If she doesn't do a big production she should be able to pocket a few dollars but then what about her promoters. I don't know how it they are going to get their money. When Mariah Carey's tour lost money last year she had to compensate by doing corporate dates.

She needs a new manager.

very late on the posting, but wanted to chime in on what was said upthread. I saw the Paparazzi episode this weekend and was really taken aback (like lots of folks) about the holier-than-thou attitude regarding Hooters. Now, I've never been to a Hooters, but from what I have seen, the girls have "beachy casual" clothing style... not bikinis, but definately tight enough to show off their figures.

It's a free country and although I wouldn't want my daughter (if I have one) to work there, I think it doesn't really mean you are a bad person if you do. That being said, for me, there is a hierarchy of careers which I wouldn't want my daughter to do: from: hooter's girl ->stripper ->nude model -> porn star -> prostitute. However, I wouldn't pass judgement. I'd just wish they had chosen another carer (esp. towards the end of the spectrum).

Jessica's comments seem so far removed from reality. I'd imagine that she'd have some idea of what working people go through (hey, maybe she's seen striptease that that clues her in?) Plus, seeing her poses are soft-core porn, I'm not sure who she is to talk.

I know that anti-intellectual family really well. My in-laws live in a town in Texas that is seriously 152 people in population. The next big city has 1100 people. Hearing them and their friends at times is like listening to live HeeHaw! And, most of the people in that area are born-again Christians, all about bible quoting, but heck if I ever see them go to church, even when we visit on Christmas!

Final comment on KCee. I was about to hurl something at the TV when she declined (after being asked) to pick up the Chinese food. I liked Nick's snarky comment about being too busy writing the mortgage check.

I love love love Nick's frugality, esp. in the face of Jessica and her $1400 sheets and $750 panties/bras. Nick is determined not to end up on Behind the Music.

He was also at Summerfest (in Milwaukee, Wisconsin) the day before Jessica performed there (last week, can't remember the exact date) - a few folks I know saw him on the Miller VIP deck on the grounds AND the day of her show, I know a few contractors that had to go on the stage, they are both muscular guys, anyway, they told me they were screwing with Nick because he seemed to be intimidated by them, everytime they walked by him he'd put his head down and back out of the way - so they made a point to go by him quite often, and every time they did, he reacted the same way....funny shit... The guys said Nick is pretty small and "skinny muscular" - he seems bigger on tv - don't know why... anyway, just thought I'd share...

I read this as "screwing Nick" and was all "GIFS???!?!?!??"

And yet, he's already half way there. Poor thing.


Or maybe he's just on his way to an "E! True Hollywood Story" Either way, it cant be good.

I keep forgetting about this, but am I the only one who thought those Blender pics were awful. She doesnt even look semi attractive in them. I've seen her look so much better in even sluttier clothes, I thought the point of those magazines was to make these girls as pretty as possible, those pictures are really lacking.

I agree - she can look much better than that. Those magazines (Blender. Maxim, FHM, etc.) seem to be more about making the girls look greasy than pretty. Playbooy actually does a better job of making pretty girls look pretty (well, except for the hoo-has hanging out, but hopefully you know what I mean!)

I'm catching up on some of the stuff I missed. I saw the pickle thing (WTF? Who does that?!) And the pool cover fiasco - how big was that thing?! There has to be a better way to get a fitted one (even for an odd shaped pool).
And for the record, when ~I~ walk away all pouty and not talking (like Jess did after the audition, for one), Mr Hollers lets me go - I eventually realize how childish I'm being, and go talk to him. Jessica is such a brat!

ETA: Did anyone else notice that ALL the pictures that Drew commented on (well, according to the editing) seemed to be from the SAME set of pictures. And it was clearly a professional shoot, too. I just found it odd - I try to group pictures from different places/events if they've already got the same people in them.

KaCee needs to by a clue and stop mooching. When Jessica asked her if she'd like to come along on their family holiday she said, "Would you like to go, or?" The "or" at the end of the question is a clear indication that she felt obligated to ask her and didn't really want her to go.

And this family has some serious boundary issues. When the mom says it was the dad's lucky day when he saw them topless. Yuck-o-la. I've caught a few episodes of Ashlee's show (god help me) and noticed the lack of boundaries there as well.

I haven't been watching the show when it airs on Wed. nights. I have, however, been religiously reading your posts on this thread. So, I basically knew all the parts of each episode. Today I happened to catch all of this season's episodes being rerun. Reading your posts before even seeing the episodes was AWESOME. Everything you guys snarked on was so true!

But, I have to say it. I kind of like KC or KFC, KaCeigh, CaySee, KaighCee or whatever the hell her name is. She really didn't irritate me. I thought that the times like "Vacuum my room too" and such were her way of being cutesy funny, in that slightly annoying way. I know people like this.

But, the laziness over looking up movie showtimes and getting food did seem shiesty to me. If she is getting paid as Jessica's assistant, she needs to remember her place.

One thing that really struck me as I watched the episodes: Nick is very different. He constantly seems.....tired, sick of it all, fed up. When Jessica cuddled up to him at the restaurant (where she ordered the strawberry shortcake) he looked preoccupied and upset. During the first season, he was constantly all smiles and romantic this's and that's. He was friendly to doormen, waiters, fans, etc. He really REALLY seems to have changed this season.

I seriously cannot say this enough .. FREE NICK!!!

Anyone else noticed that Nick's biceps seems to be getting smaller with each season? No? Just me? okay .....

Also, how come we don't get confessionals from Nick and Jessica? I guess Jessica says out loud every thought that pops into her head, there's really no need for confessionals. And Nick .. he doesn't really have an opinion to begin with, does he?