I'm already getting lots of questions about kids, which peeves me a little. I'm only 27, and I've only been married for a year! I got married younger than any of my friends, I don't see why that makes me responsible for being the first to have kids. Our next post doesn't allow dependents under 18, so if I got pregnant it would be a huge problem, rather than a happy occasion. I'd like to actually develop a solid marriage before I throw a kid into the equation, anyway.



Ah, prosletyzing cab drivers! I always got this woman in DC who would make every conversation about God. "Why go to 14th Street when you can go to Heaven?" "A young lady as pretty as you should be at a church picnic, not a bar." "Are those Christmas presents? Why not give the gift of God?" I spent the next hour picturing God trapped in a giftbox, screaming to be let out.

I'm also a Pink Lemonade, for what it's worth. I wish there was a description of why each of us is a particular Koolaid flavor. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to guess.

When my mother goes? There are only two things I want: her stapler, and an Audubon bird plate. The fork-tailed flycatcher, to be exact. My sister and I fought for many years over that plate; every Sunday evening we'd eat dinner off the Audubon bird plates that were a wedding gift to my parents from my dad's math teacher, and that was the do-or-die-gotta-have-it plate. My mother actually resolved the issue some years ago, by coming across one in a shop in Williamsburg and buying it. Then she gave it to my sister. :-) So I get the original, yay!

And her stapler is this wonderful, heavy old metal stapler that you can't buy for love nor money today. It's been chugging along for as long as I can remember. She's almost decided to go ahead and give it to mer early, but in any case she actually put it in her will!

There's another item I'd love to have -- a rosewood table carved with elephants, with elephant-head legs (with ivory tusks that are perfect shin-carving height) that was the bane of my childhood, and my shins have the scars to prove it. But Papa Tiger isn't sure he wants the same scars, so sister may end up getting that one. It was probably a piece of tourist junk that they got while in India many years ago, but I love it anyway.

It's strange the things that mean so much.

My daughter and her boyfriend already have both discovered they neither one want kids -- in her case, she has enough physical issues that she'd have very difficult pregnancies anyway, but in any case she's realized she's just not gifted with the patience she'd need for a baby or small child. I'd love to be a grandmother, but not enough to start pressuring her. It's her decision and her life, after all.

Okay, I'm a Pink Lemonade, and childless by choice. My 40th birthday present to myself was a tubal ligation. I adopted a cat who was afraid of children because I figured she'd be safe with me. My mom doesn't understand, but there are a lot of things about me she doesn't understand. It's weird, we look like identical twins except for the obvious age gap, we have almost identical personalities, we have similar values, and we have completely different goals in life. Small town/big city, "kids are wonderful"/"if they belong to someone else", etc.

And Hildy? What's a Hoodsie Cup? I'm envisioning something with chocolate pudding or fudge as an ingredient, maybe with a brownie crust? In other words, I never heard of it until now, and I've lived in 7 states in the West, Midwest, South, and East. So I think it's probably very specific to New England. And I'm really curious.

We are very proud of him, but I should note that during his second race, when he realized that someone was about to pass him on the finish line, he stuck his arm out so the other kid couldn't get by. I figure he's going to play rugby when he grows up.

As to the whole stay at home/work outside debate, I'm a better parent for working. To be honest, if one of us were going to stay home it would be Zron. Partly because he's better suited and partly for financial reasons. That said, I still feel guilty that I would not choose to spend all day every day with my kids. My guilt is somewhat assuaged by my flexible job. I typically drop Susan at daycare, walk Isaac to school and am at work by 9:30. Zron is usually gone by 7:15 during the school year and is therefore home in time to pick the kids up at school. We figure that once Susan starts grade 1 we won't need daycare during the school year.

My pet peeve about parenting is that everyone assumes that Dads are not competent to care for children. Susan's Junior Kindergarten teacher this year persisted in explaining to me at every opportunity how important it was for mothers to do various things. For example, when I explained that I might not be able to attend an interview but my husband would be there, she told me that the mother's attendance was key. Even when I explicitly told her that Zron had made the brownies for Susan's birthday, I got a very nice note thanking me! I still don't know what it would have taken to convince her.

Oh, JudyZ, I hear you and affirm you. My husband is more maternal than I am in many ways. He took 9 weeks off from work to take care of Hildygirl when I went back to work; I can leave him for a night or a weekend with the kids with nary a qualm, except for the self-guilt thing, but that's hardly his fault.

And yet, everybody is always so amazed when he has the kids on his own. My neighbor is always trying to have him to dinner when he's flying solo, b/c she figures he won't be able to fend for himself. And frankly, he gets offended.

Oh, and this is a Hoodsie Cup. I thought everybody across the country automatically got them with the cake at birthday parties. They used to come with small wooden spoons, but sadly, that detail is now gone.

That's going to be my 41st birthday present to myself - I decided that a long time ago too. I would have had it done this past birthday for the 40th, but we had a family emergency going on and there was no way I'd have had it done while that was going on.

Of course, I mentioned to one of my co-workers that I'd like to have my tubes tied, and she says, "Whyyy???" I said, "Well, I've never wanted children. Still don't. And I'll be 41 soon, and I just don't see the point in not getting it done - it's a good of a time as any. Am I supposed to stay on the pill for the rest of my life?" So she says in this sad, sympathy filled "Gee, I'm Sorry Your Life Is Over Since You're Not Going To Have Kids" voice, "Really?" - just dripping with disappointment, you know? Like I was personally and single-handedly breaking the hearts of her and all our child bearing sisters. I said, "Yeah - really." She went, "Hmmm...", in this sad little wisp of a voice, and then stood there and stared at me with this sad puppy dog face like she was staring at someone who was dying, before finally deciding I was a hopeless, sad case and walked away. That's the other thing I hate the most - the pitying looks. The "sympathy" which is neither wanted, asked for, or their place to give. It's like they never even heard that this is my choice, my decision and that it has been for 25 years - that part of the conversation just goes right over their heads.

A lighter note, you say? Hoodsie cups! We had those when I was a kid - but they were called Dixie Cups - complete with the wooden spoon, half chocolate, half vanilla ice cream!

To catch up: 40, childless and damn happy about it.

I am, however, not too immune to girly stuff to ask if anyone has a suggestion for mascara that won't immediately end up under my eyes instead of on my lashes? I don't know if it's because I'm a sweaty person in general or if I just have some sort of mascara melting body chemistry, but even mascara that hints at needing some sort of chemical solvent to remove ends up under my eyes. And really? That's the last thing I need since I always have bags under my eyes. I'm just tired of having bald looking eyes - I have decent length lashes, but they are mainly blonde/white.

And, to make this even more random...earlier JudyZ mentioned that when her littlest is in "grade 1" they won't need day care. I've heard this way of talking about grades often, but always from people "up north" from me. Here (Texas), we'd say "1st grade." Is "grade 1" a northern thing?

At a family reunion, they had a family tree tracing back to my great-great-grandfather. My mother had the audacity to say, "This branch of the family tree is starting to look a little sparce, there, [Bart Ender]!"

And I'm not even 30 yet.

miri I've had really good luck with the Lancome mascara. There should be a Lancome counter in a major dept store near you. In fact, they also have this FABULOUS lash booster that you apply before mascara that I swear lengthens and intensifies your lashes 100X. You should be able to request a sample (their samples will last a month or so) to see if it will work for you. If not, email me as my make-up counter lady always hooks me up with extra mascara.

Hildy I've seen a Hoodsie cup now that you have linked to it but we didn't call them by that name. Not actually sure what we called them but Dixie cups does sound familiar.

Oh god, children. I am a *lesbian* and I get pressure from friends and family to breed. There are some things you think you'll be spared when you come out, but no. Last Christmas I thought my mother was going to chase me around the kitchen with a turkey baster.
The thing is, I would like very much to have a child - preferably through adoption - but I can't afford one. And I'm not one of those people who doesn't want to give up my vacations or expensive leased cars in order to afford children, I really just can't do it unless I win the lottery or something. At least not in a remotely responsible fashion. But I still get lots of pressure to have/adopt a child, and it's kind of depressing and intrusive to have to tell people that financially it isn't possible.

Or siblings. My daughter, by the time she was 10 years old, was a very good cook, so when we were signed up to take cupcakes in to her class, she made them and decorated them -- literally all I did was supervise them going in and out of the oven, and drive them to school. The pure shock on her teacher's face was well worth it. I don't think it had occurred to her that a child of 10 would be capable of actually, you know, doing something that functional.

Plus it saved me a LOT of work!

Don't have children. Don't want children. My pet peeve isn't so much people acting shocked about that, most aren't. Guess my non-maternal instincts shine through. Heh. It's when I've had friends who quit work to stay at home, which I applaud and support, only to have them constantly tell me how much easier it is to work than stay home. I secretly suspect it's because they enjoyed working more than staying home, but of course I can't say that. And I can't say anything in my own defense because "I wouldn't know what it's like to deal with two kids all day." Maybe not, but I know what it's like to have a job you hate (not right now, love my current gig), have people treat you like shit all day, and be unable to quit because you are the only income in your household unless the dog decides to get a job. Why can't people just accept life is hard and can be difficult for everyone? Why must it always be a contest?

My other pet peeve is when married people or parents that I work with assume I should always be the one to stay late or work weekends or go on a business trip because I don't have a family, which apparently means I've got nothing better to do. They are so generous with my time.

Wow. Do I sound bitter? And I'm not. Really, I'm not. I now have a great job and a great life and for the first time in a long time those two things are not synonymous. I just hate that others seem to have to downgrade my great life to make them feel better about theirs.

Suzikins wrote:

At $21 a pop, there should be free samples! I mean, I guess it would be worth it if it works, but that's a lot to pay to try out. I shall try and get some samples. Thanks for the advice.

Well I've actually never bought the mascara. I use their foundation and moisturizer so I just time my purchases to the free gift and get the half-sized tube of mascara that way. But the 1/2 tube lasts me 1-2 months and my usual saleslady throws in extra mascara all the time so seriously, I can send some no problem. In fact, I think I have 2 or 3 extra from the last time I stopped by the Lancome counter. Being a regular has its perks!

Although I wonder if I should be concerned that the owner my local Thai place knows its me when I place my regular order.

Oh, word, bubbacat. You just can't win. If you have kids early you're irresponsible (like my husband with his first child -- he was 24, and yes, he was irresponsible, but that's no one else's place to judge!); if you wait you are selfish; if you don't you're missing out.

Four years after we first started figuring out that I wasn't going to just "wind up pregnant" (as my MIL was fond of saying when she discovered we -- gasp -- were having sex before we got married, but that's another rant) I'm still floored by how personal people can be with their questions. At the aforementioned wedding this weekend there were lots of people from Mr. Ex's hometown and high school, and we kept getting "but don't you want one of your OWN?" when I'd mention my stepson. The first couple of times I went on to say that we are "expecting" via adoption, and I actually had one woman ask what was wrong with me. Then I had someone (who has two natural children, natch) tell me that I was lucky not to have to go through pregnancy, because hers were so horrid. I wanted to ask her how lucky she thought two surgeries, months of hormone shots, and cycle after cycle of heartbreaking failures are. Because, you know, I'd trade. Not to mention, thousands of dollars, EXTREMELY personal questions, social worker visits, international travel, and missing out on the first months or years of your child's life. Yeah, lucky.

Don't get me wrong. I feel EXTREMELY fortunate to be adopting and now that we're here, I can't imagine it any other way. But if we could have somehow fast-forwarded through all the crap it took to get this point? Now THAT would have been lucky.

I know people mean while, and don't intend to be hurtful when they say stuff like that. But oy, people, think before you open your mouths!

Some of my favorite things on earth are things I got from my Grandparents when they died. From my maternal grandmother I got one of her paintings (I had to fight an aunt for it), some jewelry, and a beautiful rosary that just suits me perfectly. From my paternal grandfather I got my hot pink chaise lounge that is hideous but I absolutely adore because it reminds me of her and my pink vanity chair and my iron ice cream parlor chair. I also like to think that I got my love of mexican food and swimming pools from her but that's harder to prove. And from my paternal grandfather I got my legacy. He started a family business and I'm proud to be the third generation that keeps it going strong, we keep a picture of him hanging in the window and I get to tell his heroic WWII escape story almost daily which makes me proud.

As for things that I'll get when my parents die, well my mom knows that every single Hallmark ornament that has been purchased in the last 40 years (this includes her mother's collection) and the porcelain nativity scene are mine. Not that I'm in any way anxious for those mom, don't freak out or anything. I'll get them in 50 years when you're allowed to go. ;)

As for having kids, what bothers me is when people have kids who don't want them. All the time I see parents who treat their children horribly, who let them walk around parking lots at 2 years old by themselves and who jerk them around by their arms because they can't be bothered with being patient. There are so many people who would love to have a child to take care of and love that this just breaks my heart. My best friend at work had to watch her daughter have problems with conception and they found a miracle in adopting Zachary. Her daughter got to be there when Zachary was born and they've raised him as their own, he has a good life now because someone was smart enough to say that they couldn't do it but they could find someone who could.

And this post has gotten way too heavy so, does the Kool-Aid man's voice saying "Oh Yeah!" remind anyone of Mike Myers doing the "Oh Yeah" thing in The Cat In The Hat?

Hi, all--

I've been enjoying lurking on this board for a while now; thought I'd jump in. I'm an Ice Blue non-kid-wanter. (Dogs, however, are another story. I have major doggy fever. Also, I love children's books, and am looking forward to someday being an aunt to my kid-wanting-brother's children so I can give them tons of books. Kids for me, though? Not so much. Glad to read others are in the same boat, and to gain insight from those in the other boats.) Anyway, this:


cracked me up, especially because it reminds me of this site that I was just forwarded the other day (be sure to check out the "10 Dating Tips" link).

Also, Hildy? I grew up in Vermont, so I remember the Hoodsie cup and the wooden spoon that came with it (or its "accoutrement," as Chip would delightfully call it.) Good times. Thanks to you, I also have that old (?) (I'm in Indiana now, so I don't know if it's still current) jingle in my head: "Yooooooou can feel good/ Good about Hood!"

ETA: Hee! MamaTiger, I'm twelve right along with you.

"My calling is Missionary Dating" t-shirts? Why am I so 12 that the word "missionary" in that context just makes me think of....well, you know? Teehee!

bluedevilblue


I can't speak for your friends, but I had a job I truly loved, at which I happily worked at least 60 hour work weeks, and for which I leaped out of bed every morning, eager to get to the office. And I still think being a SAHM is way harder than my office job ever was. Having said that, I absolutely adore being a SAHM, it was the perfect choice for me, and I wouldn't give up a single minute of staying home with my daughter. It's hard as hell sometimes, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'll agree with you, though, that it shouldn't be a contest, and I'm sorry that your friends are acting that way. Just to play devil's advocate for your friends (and really, I don't know them at all), is it possible that they might just be being defensive? I know from my own experience that when enough people act as if all SAHMs do every day is sit on the couch, watching TV and eating bon-bons, sometimes it's easy to want to make sure people know that requires much more effort than you might imagine. I've probably been guilty of being overly defensive, and I truly don't mean to turn it into a contest. Maybe your friends are just feeling similarly defensive, possibly having nothing to do with you, but you're just getting the brunt of it. (Definitely unfair if that's the case.)

We used to call them Dixie Cups, too. I wonder if it has to do with which side of the Rockies you are on, like Hellman's Mayo and Best Foods Mayo?

I'm a mostly stay-home mom (I teach at the local college six hours a week while Mr.kt7byu watches the little tyke), and I love it. And I love children. I always knew I wanted a big family, and I got started a little late (first child at 26) for the six/seven I always wanted. So no. 2 is on the way with no. 1 just past his 9 month birthday. (Close together, I've always wanted to. I'm beginning to doubt my sanity, though. Morning sickness and an infant...not fun!)

But my goodness! The gall of some people. Some of the stories you all have told are hideous. I'll never forget the advice of my biology professor at BYU (a very religious school, and I'm sure most of you know Mormons usually have pretty big families) gave us. He told us NEVER to judge anyone on if they had children or not, how many they had, how long they waited, etc. He said it was NONE of our business, and he emphasized how badly you could hurt or offend someone without even realizing it. I've always remembered that advice.

I guess I sort of breezed through life up until that point, at least on the subject of procreation. My mom had no problems, my sister no problems, now I have no problems, etc. But having grown up a little, and having seen some truly unfit parents (albeit with no legal reason to call DCF, unfortunately), I've begun to understand what a uniquely personal decision it is. And I totally applaud all those who have made their decision, no matter what the sway of public opinion. (Okay, sorry, done with the soul-searching.)

On a happier note, I'm Tropical Punch. Which, all true believers know, is the best kind of Kool-Aid ever. And JudyZ and Zron, I only hope my kids turn out to have the kind of stick-to-it-iveness that your boy has. That was an awesome story.

And JenEx, I'm so happy for you with the progression of the adoption. What a lucky little girl! Will you post pictures when you are able to bring her back to the States, sometime (hopefully) soon?

Hoodsie Cup=Dixie Cups in the Midwest, I think. Was the "spoon" a tiny little paddle of really thin wood, sort of hour-glass in profile? If it was, then yes, they were a staple of church picnics, family reunions, and the zoo (although at the zoo there was always the possibility that you could cajole an orange sherbet push-up instead.)

I'm another one who knew from my early teens that I didn't really want kids. Babysitting? sure, not a problem, in fact, I rather enjoyed it. Later on, I discovered the joys of corrupting my sister's kids, and have happily settled into my ordained role as "wierd Aunt". I'm now getting to start on my second generation of kidlets, with my niece's two little boys.

This? In light of my general opinion of Mike Myers' alleged level of "funny", and his age, I suspect that he stole it. But that's just me being a curmudgeoness.

I thought I'd chime back in with "the lighter side of childlessness". At my younger brother's wedding several years ago, three of my aunts (all in their 60s) came up to me to express their "sympathy." When I asked what all the sympathy was for, they replied that it was because my brother (who's 3 years younger than me) was getting married before I was. I very politely let them know that it wasn't a problem because, at that time (and hey, even at this time), I had no real intention of getting married. One of my aunts asked, "But don't you want to have children?" I decided not to get into the whole medical background (it wasn't the time or place), and just said, "I'm not going to have children." One of my other aunts patted my hand and said, "That's okay, dear. Every family needs a maiden aunt." Maiden?!? MAIDEN!?! Okay, single -- yes. Childless -- yes. But maiden? Well, hardly. The same brother whose wedding we were at is getting married this weekend for the second time (it was a real short first marriage), and two of the aunts who were involved in this conversation are going to be there. I think I'll have a T-shirt made up to wear at the reception that says "Maiden". Or maybe that should be "Made-N". At least it's going to be an outdoor wedding in my sister's backyard, and if they bug me too much, I can just shove them in the pool.

Oh, and by the way, Happy TARsday, everyone!

Happy TARsday back atcha, Bubbacat! And today is a double dose of wonderful chocolatey goodness for me -- it's my last day on the Job from Hell! I get to go back to working out of my house again, yeeeehah! I loved it so much when my kids were going up that while I can go work in an office these days and do a damned good job at it, I hate every single second of every single day. Because I spent too many years setting my own hours, working at the times of day that are best for me, etc. I just don't punch somebody else's clock well, at all. Plus they tried to deny my time off in late September to go visit Papa Tiger, who's now working a thousand miles away -- and, incidentally, take a side trip to TARcon. Cannot have that! Heehee!

So as of tomorrow, I am that lovely job classification, self-employed, again. Often it's twice the work, but I've never been afraid of hard work. Just knowing that I don't have to sit there on slow days twiddling my thumbs, when there's a mountain of stuff at home I could be doing, is all good.

So a very, very happy TARsday to one and all, and to all a good night! :-)

Good for you Mama Tiger!

I actually would rather not work at home, though. I get too obsessive and work too much if I can't leave it at the office.

On the childless front. I do find it ironic that I'm the one in the family who is so into genealogy. We have a fascinating family tree on my mom's side. And I'm very psyched about getting my documentation together for Colonial Dames of the 17th Century. (My sister would prefer we become Daughters of the American Revolution, because she thinks they need a couple of radicals to shake them up. I prefer Dames because I can really get into their purpose, which is encouraging study of history.) But sometimes it seems pretty silly, considering there'll be no little divas. Still, as the designated maiden aunt, I can perhaps pass the interest in history (family and otherwise) on to one of the nieces or nephews.

This is probably a strange topic to jump in on for a first post ever, but I have these 2 cents I'm lookin' to spend...

Another reason why people should never give others a hard time about whether/when they're having kids is because you don't know how bad your timing might be. This past spring, my husband and I were at a wedding of an old college friend of his. We're 26, married less than 3 years, and didn't see any reason for anyone to be getting impatient about us starting a family. Anyway, I'd had a miscarriage the previous fall, and was pregnant again but on the verge of having another miscarriage. And one of my husband's old buddies starts in with the "So when are you guys gonna have kids? What are you waiting for?" etc.etc.etc. It took all the strength in me not to either burst into tears or punch the guy. Really awful moment. Luckily my husband thought quickly and made a joke about how we never have sex (heehee....still amuses me), and then skillfully changed the subject. But the moment is still burned in my memory and adds to the pain of losing a second baby. Probably most people would not knowingly cause people that kind of pain, but since you just never do know what's going on with people in such a personal aspect of their lives, you should just never ever ever even bring the topic up. Ever.

Whew. This was sort of cathartic for me. I don't usually talk about my miscarriages with anyone. After all my lurking, I must really like y'all. :)

And I'm Tropical Punch Kool-Aid, Happy TARsday, nice to meet you all, see you at TARCon5!!!

I'll chime in here on the other side of the spectrum and say that I'm looking forward to having a child some day. I hope there are no troubles, but I know there always could be. I don't know if I'll have people breathing down my neck (other than his mother - though she speaks through him) asking me when though. Most of my friends don't have children, my two sisters do, and know how hard it is, so when my s.o. and I start talking about having a child I'm sure they'll encourage us to wait! (Right now we're in our late 20's).

TroopDoop, I think my friends are being defensive and I'm catching the brunt of it, but it gets old. FWIW, I've had jobs where I've worked 60 hour weeks and couldn't wait to get to and I don't doubt being a SAHM is harder than those. Those I always found easy because I loved them. Now the job where I literally prayed to be in an auto accident before getting there every morning so that I would be laid up in the hospital six months and couldn't work - I'm not so sure. Not because the job was harder, but because it's so hard to be that miserable every day of your life when it feels unending. Personally, no matter what you do - stay at home with the kids or work outside the home - it's the jobs that make you miserable that are the toughest, IMO. If you've ever had to do work - in the home or out of it - that really makes you miserable, everything else is cake.

I'm the Ice Blue thingy, which is all wrong, although I like blue. So there you go.

Oh...but I thought it was "different when you have your own"! (*Snerk!* Just being a smart ass!). Seriously though, I hear you. They're big on that here in NY. I see it all the time - people who just let the kid wander along a half a block behind them, only occassionally turning around to make sure their child is still there. In the nine years I've lived in my neighborhood, I've hauled someone else's kids out of the street twice when a car was coming, because the parent was walking waaay up ahead. I mean, people - hello? Toddlers constantly do that thing where they're moseying along, and then suddenly get that little burst of speed and zoom out to the side - and sometimes that little sudden zoom leads them right out into the street.

This past week, I was out running errands in my 'hood when this woman walked by with her toddler in a stroller. The kid was whining; you know, that persistent whine when they're overly-tired. The woman says to her toddler - "Shut up! Shut the hell up, I'm sick and tired of listening to your bullshit!" To an 18 month old child. Nice. And people think I'm bad because I at least realized I'd be a shitty mother before having kids? See, this is the point I try to make to people when they hassle me about my decision - sometimes, it's NOT "different when you have your own". Giving birth to a child doesn't automatically make you a good parent or equipped to deal with it.

Mama Tiger, congrats on the self-employment! I'd love to have my own gig - I have to think of something I'd be good at that could earn me some righteous bucks (Hey! Not that! Get your minds out of the gutter!).

Toots, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage troubles. I hope things work out baby-wise for you and Mr.Toots. And you're right, there are so many reasons for people to just shut their big yaps about whether or not other people are having babies, or why - your reasons, my reasons, everyone's reasons.

Happy TARSday, everyone! And thanks again for letting me get 25 years worth of crap off my chest in my past few posts!

ETA to the mascara discussion:

I think that Lancome, in addition to being really expensive, might still test on animals (I'm not entirely sure). If you want to try a really good mascara that's non-animal tested and cheap, I used Almay's One Coat Waterproof mascara. They also make it in non-waterproof, but I'm picky - I always buy waterproof. Anyway, the only false advertising in it is that you really need two coats as opposed to the advertised "One", but that's kind of par for the course for any mascara. This stuff is really good!

Miri, have you thought about dying your eyelashes?

From a few pages bac, TroopDoop feel no guilt about an only child. If you don't spoil her too much, and give her lots of love, she can turn out ok, sometimes even more well-adjusted than kids with siblings. My only disappointment in being an only child is that if I ever conceive (let's not go there) is that my kid(s) won't have biological aunts/uncles, but I've got enough friends to fill in.

However, weird thing with the engagement ring/inherited gifts thing. With all the talk over last week's engagement, I was thinking exactly what I wanted: birthstones (sapphire) or emeralds, with a diamond maybe, set in the silver-color family (I have no clue), simple & elegant & timeless. Of course, I need a man-type person to offer this up. Plus I just saw an ex & stupid feelings of blah blah blah came up & birthdays are approaching & I needed a lot of Tums.

Well, I'm home visiting my folks & they just had the whole house painted & closets redone, which have desperately needed it, so I've been helping with the put-together, rehanging, yadda crap. We had also been going through photos, which is just amazing. We pull out the bag of jewelry SkaMama had hidden, and it's only a few pieces. She pulls out this ring & I'm all, "This is gorgeous." She says, it's yours, it was your grandma's engagement ring.

It was EXACTLY what I was picturing -- the original small diamonds had been split between me & my one cousin & they are my one piece of jewelry (small studs), and grandma had said to give it to my mom or me & not to bury it with her, so my mom set saphires in it for me & there is a simple, elegant diamond in the middle from my grandparents. I start to lose it because not only was it beautiful & wonderful, but there was no way I saw this ring in 13 years, and even then probably once before it went in hiding for safekeeping.

Oy. Ok, and weird things inherited? My uncle wanted a wheelbarrow from my grandparents (shipping wheelbarrow from Chicago to Phoenix? not cheap) and my mom, when she came across an old sifter, grabbed that. It was all sentimental from making peirogi & cookies & stuff from my greatgrandmother. I'm getting family silver & crystal which is wonderful since most of my extended family passed when I was quite young.

My mom and dad got married at 26 and 25 respectively, and for my mom's first Christmas in the family my dad's mom gave her baby clothes. Reeeeaaalll subtle. My mom talked to my dad, who talked to his mom, who didn't say anything to my mom about kids again until she and dad decided it was time for me, right about age 30.

My MIL (who is maybe the most excited person on the face of the planet about BabyKate), apparently started buying baby clothes and such as soon as she found out MrKate and I were dating. Luckily she didn't mention this to me, as it would have probably wigged me out a little. Or a lot.


I've had the confection, but never heard the name Hoodsie Cup. Of course, birthday parties in my neighborhood came with a healthy scoop of Neapolitan from the gallon tub from Food Lion. It's a lot cheaper, I'll wager, though the ease of handing out cups appeals to me. I remember the little wooden paddle, too. Do they even give a plastic paddle anymore, or just trust you to have a spoon?

And, Cerise6304? We had Dixie Cups, but they were the little paper cups with designs your mom kept in the bathroom for mouthwash and swishing. (I grew up in North Carolina, for the side of the Rockies/ north/south highly scientific polls)

Happy, happy TARsday, everyone!

The US uses 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc; Canada uses grade one, grade two etc. I don't know what they use in England before age 11, but that's 1st form, 2nd form and so on.

miri, Maybelline Great Lash mascara comes in waterproof, is dirt cheap, and doesn't fly everywhere. Though you should also replace your mascara every three months for sanitary reasons, and because old mascara gets gloppy and gross and is more likely to slide off. That may be the root of your problems.



As much as I joke about it, being a stay at home wife, no kids, can be a tough job as well. You don't ever get a day off, and you spend your days cooking and doing the shopping and running errands. It's not exactly thrilling, but it's rewarding in its own way. I just wish all the working vs. non-working sniping would end once and for all.

ETA: And I remember being single and getting annoyed with married people who expected me to cover for them. Now that I'm married, of course I don't want Mr. Weds to work late. My trick? Whenever I have to go into the Embassy for a meeting, I drop off a homemade treat for his coworkers. Works wonders - "Hey, it's getting late, why don't you go home to that nice wife of yours?" Catch more bees with honey, I always said.

Yeah, that's what was weird - the little paper cups with designs were also called Dixie Cups where I grew up (NJ). You had to specify which Dixie Cups you were talking about - although, if there was birthday cake involved, it was a pretty good bet it involved the ice cream ones!



I think it's a goofy argument too. I work in an office, 9-5:30, five days a week. Sometimes it's damn hard work. Right now, at this very moment? Weeell, I'm posting on a board, aren't I? ;-)

Since I'm single with no kids, I've never been a stay at home. But I can imagine it's hard work in a totally different way. My weekends are filled with cleaning, cooking, shopping, paying bills, and other home projects that need to get done because I can't do it during the week. Frankly, by the time Monday rolls around, I'm exhausted from all the work I did at home on Saturday and Sunday. Just because I didn't earn a paycheck from it, doesn't mean it wasn't alot of exhausting stuff to pack into two days. So I feel for the stay-at-homes. I think people think it's "easy" because you're not "out there" getting the paycheck handed to you, which does feel like something tangible at the end of the 40 hour work week. And when you add kids in to the mix, I truly don't know how you do it. I certainly would never say stay at homes don't have a hard job - it's just a different kind of hard job!

Heh. Now if Dixie sugar made some form of "cup" for their products, you could have a grocery list for

• a bag of Dixie Cups
• a box of Dixie Cups
• and don't forget about 5 lbs. of Dixie Cups

It's ok, at least I make myself laugh.

Yes, that's my association with Dixie Cups too: growing up in the Chicago area, for whatever data point that provides. Disposable paper cups with a little rolled edge.

For all of you "don't want kids" who have been told that of course you'll want them when you meet the right person, my sister would like to offer an apology. She's one of the few for whom that actually was the case, so she figures she's probably the exception that all of those meddlers want to point out. In her case, following the implosion of her first marriage, she told everyone who would listen that she probably would never marry again, at least not before she was 40, and that she would certainly never, ever have children. Then she fell in love with an old friend who really wanted to have kids, and the idea grew on her, and she remarried at 26 and was pregnant at 27.


My semi-related pet peeve is when a dad says he's "babysitting" when his wife goes out without him & the kids. It's not babysitting if it's your own kids, damnit.

So am I the only one from a dumb state where we called two common household products by the same name? Evidently! :-P Heh.

Oh, if there's a cosmetic discussion getting started, let me turn you on to my latest love - this stuff that Benefit cosmetics (I am SO Benefit's bitch!) makes called "F.Y...Eye!" It's this eyeshadow base that makes your shadow last forever - no creasing, no sliding off the lids, no color changing, no bright pink eyelids (me, unfortunately) showing through your shadow. It's not cheap - $20 for a teeny little jar of it. But you use very little. It's this salmon-colored mousse-like stuff. You put a tiny amount on your lids, let it dry for three minutes, and then apply your shadow. It's truly incredible - my shadow stays on from the time I put it on in the morning till I take it off at night, even with as humid as it's been. And even if you also have really oily eyelids (again, my freakish lids have not made eyeshadow my friend till I found this stuff!), this matte-ifies them, as well as giving the shadow something to hang on to. For those of you going to SephoraCon, you can get it there!

Oh oh oh oh!!! I lurve F.Y...Eye!! My sis-in law turned me on to it when we were getting made up for her wedding a few years ago. Love. Love!

And it does last a long time - I'm still using the same jar I bought in November of '02 when I was in NYC. I don't wear makeup every day, but it still lasts a long time.

Cerise I have been coveting that eyeshadow base from afar, but I just can't seem to make myself buy it. Every other base I've tried has sucked and doesn't work so I figured that would be the same way. I think I may give in and try it. All of Benefit's other stuff rocks, so I guess I should have figured that would too.

Toots Glad you felt comfortable enough to vent some frustration here and I'm very sorry for your loss. Have a great time at TARcon5.

Mama Tiger Oh yeah....self-employment is awesome! I've been self-employed for 5 years now and I'm not sure I could go back into the "regular" workforce. I work on an appointment schedule (photograher), so I know in advance what my work schedule is going to be and can schedule things to fit into any vacation time I want! Love it! Love it! Love it! Congratulations!

South Carolina here....and I remember the little ice cream cups with the little wooden spoon that always left your tongue feeling like you'd scraped it with sandpaper but don't remember what they were called. I know it wasn't Hoodsie.

And Hellmans' mayo? No, no, no! Dukes mayo is the ONLY mayo in the south. I have a friend in California that has me ship a case of Dukes every few months. Not only is he addicted, he's gotten all his friends addicted.

KarateKate You could also look at your MIL's buying those baby clothes that far in advance a HUGE compliment to you....sort of on the "takes one look at you and decides you're the girl for her son" kind of thing. Congrats on BabyKate.

I'm lime koo-aid. I love limes. I hate artificial lime flavour. Is that test telling me I'm fake? Stupid test.

ETA: the ice cream and the disposable bathroom cups are both Dixie Cups in Washington state.

Say what? Damn, I knew I should have read the fine print on that marriage contract...

Seriously, though, as a father who is heavily involved in the various domestic activities of my family, I am continually told how wonderful, or surprising, or odd it is that I cook, or clean, or look after my kids, or do anything beyond work, bring home the bacon, and sit in the armchair smoking a pipe and watching the evening news.

Did everyone else fall asleep and miss the last fifty years?

Sometimes I find it amusing, but sometimes it is patronizing as well. I mean come on, I chopped some vegetables and cooked a chicken - it's not the Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes. I don't think anyone would make a similar fuss over a woman who did what I do.

While I understand that I am still somewhat the exception to the rule as far as domestic involvement goes, I don't think it helps matters to make a fuss over me, or those like me. I'm just doing what should be expected of any parent - male or female.

Cerise6304 and RitaTome, thank you for your kind sentiments.

And RitaTome, here here on the Dukes mayo! I grew up in SC, and I think that may have been the only brand I ever tasted until I moved to the metro DC area (which sometimes pretends to be the South but generally falls very short). Mr. Toots (a yankee boy) laughed at me when I did a little dance in the aisle of our grocery store the day I discovered that they carry Dukes mayo! Now if only they would increase their grits selection….

So what's so special about Dukes mayo? Flavor? Texture?

I grew up in the Chicago area, with Hellman's. Now I'm in SoCal so it's Best Foods. Mr. jpgr won't tolerate any other brand. The crazy thing is that growing up, I thought I *hated* mayo. I didn't realize until much later that my mom didn't use mayo, she used Miracle Whip. Once I figured that out, I became a mayo girl.

Miracle Whip - nasty. Mayo - good!

You're welcome, Toots - I'll keep my fingers crossed for happy news for you!

TalkyTina, you simply MUST buy yourself some F.Y...Eye! if you've been thinking of it - and especially since you love Benefit's other stuff! It really really works!

And may I join in on the Boo Hiss over Miracle Whip - bleech!! As for real mayo - I don't really have a favorite brand, since I know Hellman's is good, so that's what I normally buy. But, I just recently decided to try and go mostly organic, so I've been shopping at the little organic supermarket in my 'hood. I guess when I run out of Hellman's, I'll have to see how the organic brand tastes, or if there's something equivalent.

Ok, lots to weigh in on...

Zron, that's a great story, and a great kid. He could teach Marshall and Lance a thing or two.

Black Cherry Kool Aid here. Not a bad description of my personality (dark and introverted), but can't say if I've ever had the stuff.

Never heard of Hoodie cups, but have heard of Dixie cups - both kinds (PA here).

Kergillian, thanks for sharing the German mindset, that's interesting, and I had no idea.

Enagagement rings - I'm a guy so don't think about them much, but one friends' story comes to mind: She wanted a diamond w/ their birthstones on the sides. They went to a jeweler and told him that.
Jeweler: "That'll look terrible! You really should just get something traditional."
Friend: "I think it'll be nice, and I don't really care if it isn't normal."
Jeweler: "No, really. It'll look stupid, you shouldn't do that."
Friend: "Goodbye."

It's sticks in my mind only because it's such a display of horrible salesmanship skills, not to mention people skills. It didn't really matter what he thought of the idea, it was my friends ring. The guy blew a big sale because he couldn't keep his yap shut. And engagement rings are expensive, like what 50 or 60 bucks, right?

Kids: Don't have kids, pretty sure I don't want kids. I think the fact that I'm so ambivalent is a good sign that I shouldn't. I may not have the same constraints as a woman, but I do feel that I better make up my mind pdq.

Well said. Everyone should agree on that. Except of course, me. My life is the hardest. ;-)

jpgr Dukes mayo is more like homeade mayo. It has no sugar and is VERY thick.

eta Mr. Tome is also from Chicago and has jumped onto the Dukes train.

edited again because.....WOO!!! Loyal viewer!!

In our home, it was always Dukes for mayo. And Miracle Whip for salad dressing. Which was never used on salads. My dad was a mayo guy, mom was miracle whip. Us kids called them both mayonnaise. And I like them both, for different things. Mayo for most hot dogs, hamburgers, ham and cheese sandwiches and the like, plus for potato salads. Miracle Whip for deviled eggs, tomato sandwiches, and those really red hot dogs on squishy buns.

But I don't keep any of either in my house.

My only exposure to Hellman's was during commercials as my grandma watched Family Feud and The Price is Right every day.

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Oh, I consider it a compliment now, RitaTome (great name, btw), but if I had learned of this while we were in the early stages of dating I still think it would have scared me a little.

Hee! Good for him! (Oh, wait. Was that supposed to be a bad thing?) See, that's why I could never be a parent. I would always be encouraging my kids to do stuff like that.

Adding to the whole "pressure to have kids" thing, I also DESPISE the fact that people refuse to accept the fact that I have no desire to get married. I'm the single friend who other people are always trying to set up.

"Oh, you just haven't met the right person yet."

No, I haven't. But even if I met Prince Charming tomorrow, I'm still not marrying the bastard. I like my independance. I like having my own apartment. It's quiet when I want it to be quiet. It's loud when I want it to be loud. I like having the bed to myself. (Yeah, we can have sex but he needs to go home after.) I like the fact that I can make all my own decisions without having to clear it with my partner. I can't imagine there's anyone on the face of the planet I'd want to see every single day.

Seriously. I like being single. People just refuse to accept that.