I was going to agree with one exception, but MamaTiger beat me to the SBDs. I have found that pesto and eggs are not what you want to feed me and then lock me in a van with 9 other geology students. I had that van cleared in seconds flat. The only problem was I was in a paroxysm of giggles and couldn't actually get out of the van myself because I was laughing so hard.

*Note: this was the first time I ever had pesto and eggs and it tasted so good I had 3 servings. So I was loaded for bear.

Best true flatulence story ever:

My first job out of college was working for the local symphony orchestra. One evening we had a pot luck dinner for staff/board members/musicians. People were taking turns telling shaggy dog stories to the crowd.

The snooty, much-despised box office director called out "I've got a great one! Listen to me! Listen to me!" We fell silent and she prepared to tell her story with the room's full attention.

You know how a person will sort of put his/her hands on the edge of the chair seat, lift up a bit and re-position to sit more comfortably? Yeah... she lifted up, and *Pffffft!*

Oh, my. "Listen to me!" I still get tears in my eyes over that one. And, yes, I am twelve.

I'm STILL laughing. As I said, all kinds of fart stories are funny!


If you live in the Northeast or Midwest, the remote systems are especially handy during the winter. Instead of dashing outside to start the car five minutes before you leave so it can warm up, you can just push a button. My car gets extremely cranky if you don't warm it up, and since I don't have one of these remote starters, if I'm short on time, I just go. It's not good for the car.

Fart Stories? i usually come here for the high level of intellectual discussion.

However, when in Rome:

I work in education, and at my last job, when out with a bunch of co-workers, the male teachers talked about how, when they need to let one rip, they would walk around the class, stand near a likely suspect, hope it was a silent one, and then move on. The students never thought to blame the teacher.

mama tiger I really HATE to one-up you, but when I first adopted my female brittany, Jem, she was a poop eater. Her farts and belches were the most disgusting things on the planet. Even now, I don't mind her farts (or "butt noises" as my nephew calls them...yes, he's 7) because ANYTHING is better than what they used to smell like.

locks I'm a locker. At least my car...its purely habit, though. My sis-in-law used to get frustrated with me when they lived in ND because she couldn't understand that it was a HABIT to lock my car. At home, the front door stays locked all the time 'cuz I never use it. The back door is locked when I'm gone and at night (unless I forget). I have the fearless barker type of dogs, too. They are all loud and scary until you come into the house. Then Saucy stays just out of reach and Jem runs up for a petting.

I also always use my emergency brake. I have always had a manual tranny. My first car popped out of gear once on a slight incline and rolled into another car. Lesson learned. Never again.

Actually, my golden has produced something that smelled worse than his cheesy SBDs. We have an upright freezer on our back porch -- in Louisiana, and it was summertime. A frozen pork dinner fell out of the freezer and apparently went unnoticed for several days. Until one evening we walked out on the porch and there was dear Rusty muzzle deep in this VILE smelling maggoty goo, with an expression that only a brain-dead dog could have: "Look at me, isn't this WONDERFUL???" I still thank EVERY deity in the known and unknown universe that he kept our chowhound yellow lab from joining him in his feast.

He of course then barfed half of it up on the spot, while we were still reeling from the stench of it pre-going down -- and then ran in the house, upstairs, and proceeded to toss the rest of it on the carpet right outside my home office.

I sterilized the carpet for days.

I remember that our old German Shepherd would occasionally have nights of really, really foul gas.

My parents always knew it was going to be a long night when she would fart, then literally get up and walk to the other side of the room before attempting to go back to sleep.

Note to self: be very, very careful with beloved mutt Sheila's diet. VERY very careful.

Is there a TAR AOL IM Chat this season? This is the first week I might be able to participate... Thanks!

This is VERY O/T...sorry!

newfan, if you read this, please e-mail me at TheGirlsNY@aol.com. I got your e-mail through TWoP but when I reply to your addresses listed in it, the mail keeps getting bounced back! Thanks!

TPorter, the chats are still going on at twoptarchat.

My brother-in-law's black labs? Would have eaten that. I once spent an entertaining afternoon drinking gin and tonic and watching them chase the chickens around the yard. They'd bark, the chickens would poop, they'd eat, they'd bark...

I never, ever, let his dogs lick my face.

Zron, whenever someone mentions drinking gin-and-tonics, I picture jungle-bound British Colonialists observing native rituals with a detached air. I am now imagining you peering out at the yard through a monocle and muttering that "The chickens are restless today."

THis discussion is so uplifting!
We once had a black lab, very beloved, who had distressingly smelly reactions to the ingestion of potatoes. One New Year's eve, my mother decided to have a fancy NYE party and invited many folks, including my aunt and uncle, who brought their kids. Well, my three cousins and us four kids were all kicked upstairs to this little TV room we had, so as to keep our unsightly selves from sullying the festivities, and naturally the dog went with us. Somebody had let her get at the dread tubers, and about halfway through the evening she started to let rip a horrid bombardment of SBDs. There we were, eyes watering, sinuses howling for mercy, and my mother would not let us out of that room. In fact, I'm sorry to say that she might have even been amused by our plight.
Every single one of us remembers that particular NYE with terrible clarity.

Hi everyone! Haven't been around much, so I'm just checking back in. I've had a bitch of a time with my old laptop, which I've decided to replace as soon as my office pays out my vacation time. Until then, Ad-Aware and Mozilla are my new best friends. I had 680 pieces of spyware

My program is over (it was wonderful), but I'm still in New York. I'm job-hunting and couch-crashing, which is going to get old very quickly - it's already old and I've only been doing it for four days. I may go home to Philly and hunt from there if the hunt doesn't look promising. I have to go home anyway and pack, so we'll see.

As for locking the doors, I have a friend who never locks her car or her home doors. She has three kids and two nice cars, and yet she still doesn't lock up. And she's never had anything stolen or broken into, so go figure.

Can't wait can't wait can't wait for showtime!

Zivra, Zron those two comments have reduced me to tears, literally, from laughing so hard. But he needs a pith helmet. Gotta have the pith helmet.

Just give him a pot to pith in.

Or fart in, as the case may be.

New York is usually a great place, except for today with all the extra security. It will be a real good time for all when the Republican Convention is in town. The fashion industry in a huge uproar because their big show happens right after the Republican Convention.

You've never seen way out of proportion outrage until you've seen the histrionics of a bunch of designers, fashonistas, models, and assorted hangers-on. How dare they! Have a national convention? In New York City? To nominate a president? Right before my fashion show? Honestly, the nerve, the nerve of some people!

And when I was fighting bumper to bumper traffic to get home from 10 hours at my wage slave job, I realized that my television plans were going to screwed up by g-d- New York baseball. The nerve!

Ok, the Yankees are losing 13 - 4, and they are STILL going to preempt the TAR Theme? I hate NY-2 CBS! Grrrr.

Only two more outs. Two More Outs! TWO MORE OUTS! COME ON!!!

Now one more out. ONE MORE OUT!!!

And now we have to watch the news. sigh.

I am about to throw something at the TV. A 13-4 blowout to pre-empt TAR??????? GRRRRR!!!

Okay, they started it from the top. Good. I'm just worried that next week's game will run long, delaying TAR by who knows how long. But right now I'm thinking happy thoughts.

All is forgiven, they've started it from the beginning. Thanks CBS-NY!

In case anyone missed the announcement, next week Amazing Race will air at 7 PM in New York so they can show the Yankees game afterwards. Works for me!!

Aw, so all you NYers will get to see it early? I had to wait until 11 as it was because I was at work until 10:30.

On another note, what is it that removes tarnish from silver? I'm thinking it's like ketchup or vinegar or something like that, but I don't want my necklace to be scratched and I was wondering if anyone knew whether this method worked or not.

That's great, but I'm going to TiVo it and watch it at the usual time so I can chat with my fellow TWoPpers. I missed out on it this week - I have no intention of missing out again!

I think both of those things will make it a lot worse, mel42024! They're both acidic!! Don't do that!

Tom on Queer Eye says that toothpaste works (I tried it; it does, after a fashion).

Also, you can put a sheet of aluminum foil in the bottom of a large PLASTIC OR GLASS bowl (not metal), add a half cup of baking soda, put the jewelery on the foil and fill the bowl with BOILING water (to above the jewelery). This works...don't ask me how, but it does.

Of course, you could also go out and buy some silver polish, but I assume you knew that. <g>

Yeah, mel the acid will make it much worse. The aluminum foil trick works really well, though.

What Hawkwild suggests will work, but you're essentially aluminum-plating your jewelry; if it's a very valuable piece, I'd go with the polish or the toothpaste. But if it's not valuable, it's much the least painful route.

And that's why I asked. Heh. Those are used for some sort of metal though, right? Copper or something less valuable. Thanks, I'll probably go with the toothpaste. It doesn't have a huge monetary value, but it does have great sentimental value.

I'll throw in a vote for a metal polish just because I've found some toothpastes to be abrasive on fine surfaces so you end up with tiny scratches all over it. That may just be toothpastes with baking soda -- mine usually are -- but I will always use the real stuff now to be safe.

Yes, you have to use a nonabrasive toothpaste. But it works pretty well as long as the silver isn't very badly tarnished to begin with.

I would go for proper silver polish. I recently wore a silver ring to scuba lessons and it turned totally black (two days in a pool). It came out great with some Twinkle paste and a little elbow grease.

The sad thing is that I can't even buy silver polish in my town because it's just that isolated. So I can either wait until I get out of town, or go with the toothpaste. It's not tarnished that badly, and the back side of the pendant is what is most tarnished so I should be okay.

So we're in the process of switching to new software at our newspaper and are supposed to be learning how to use it this week before switching in the newsroom to the new stuff next week. We planned to start using it on next Tuesday's paper.

Everything was going OK, until I got the dummies (blank pages) for this week's real estate section, which I put together every week. They were done in the newer version of Quark, which doesn't work with the old word processing software, where all the stories are. And you can't copy from the new version to the old, so copying the ads over was not an option. The person who creates the dummies no longer has the older version of Quark. She's already switched over and didn't realize that meant we would have to switch immediately. For some reason, she thought we could use half new software and half old software.

We had already learned to use the new word processing software, but had done nothing with the new Quark extensions, which are nothing like the old ones. Getting stories on the page is really different. That was going to be tomorrow's lesson. After an hour of exporting stories (one by one -- you can't do it in batches) from the old software to the new and about an hour of cursing silently at the computer (never do it out loud where the computer can hear -- it will get back at you) because it wouldn't do what I'd been told it would, I finally got going and managed to get my section done.

Of course, I worked 11 hours today. And yesterday, I learned that I have been changed from a salary employee to an hourly employee because I'm not a supervisor (I'm an editor, but they eliminated the reporter position under me, so I don't actually supervise anyone) and don't make at least $455 a week. We're not supposed to have overtime, but I can't leave work undone since that would mean blank pages in the paper. This is going to be a fun week. I should have stayed on vacation.

Mel42024, this place could probably hook you up.


I will defer to a chemist on this one, but I'm pretty sure that what happens is the opposite of what you're saying. All the tarnish jumps OFF the silver and ONTO the aluminum. So you're basically "tarnish-plating" the aluminum. 'cause the foil is all covered with schmutz when it's finished.

I think to aluminum-plate something (can you even do that?) you'd have to run an electrical current through it (anodizing). I know that's how they get the coating on coated aluminum cookware like Calphalon.

Well, I'm not a chemist, but you're right, Hawkwild. Here's the official explanation, from a marvelous book I have, Formulas, Methods, Tips and Data for Home and Workshop.

Gods, I'm lecturing. I'm sorry.

auntlada, my deepest sympathies. That situation sucks.

And The Vermont Country Store (Hawkwild's link) is fabulous for getting odd stuff and old stuff, and really neat, classic stuff. They've got a bunch of the classic perfumes and colognes that are impossible to find anymore. I just ordered a bottle of Emeraude. I never thought I'd be able to get that again.

Mmmmmm, I love that store!

If my next door neighbors do not cease playing their bass-heavy music IMMEDIATELY, I swear I am going to scream. Or something. I have this weird desire to whack my hand against the wall until I break some bones, thus giving me an excuse to be out of the apartment (and away from their headache-inducing music) at 1 AM. Uh, perhaps I am just going crazy.

I feel for you. My neighbours went through a... uh... phase, where they played the Sound of Music soundtrack at such earsplitting volume you could hear it from the far end of the hallway, opposite their apartment, well enough to sing along merrily.

They played it over and over and over and over, day after day after day after... you get the picture. No, they do not have kids.

Doe, a deer, a AARRGGHH.

The previous tenant of the apartment below mine used to play her CD in the middle of the night - 2am, 5am, whatever - at full volume. Yes, CD in the singular sense - it was an Alan Jackson collection, I think, including such jems as www.memory (which I hated even before this experience). At the time, I knew all of the lyrics to the CD, and knew which song came next, and would sometimes sing along because it's either that or go nuts. This same woman would also start screaming in the middle of the night too. The sad thing is that I think she had (she died last year) some serious mental health issues, and used the music/screaming to drown out her hallucinations. The current tenant of said apartment has no loud music, but is a marijuana-smoking machine.

Sorry, mel; I am not a chemist (although sadly, I took chemistry in university), and was repeating what someone once told me was happening. Thanks to Rabrab for the real story. I like lectures, when they're correct. :) (Aside: I finally realized that was "Rab-rab" -- for some reason or other I'd always read that as "Ra-brab".)

jennblevins, that really sucks. Has this just started, or does your neighbour do it all the time?

jennblevins

At least you know what to expect, we had neighbors when we lived in our apartment that would randomly turn their system on. I USED to love the theme from "2001: Space Odyssy (sp?). My suggestion is to talk to the folks and make an agreement about when they can play their tunes.

Beezer, I'm dying over here. The Sound of Music! Hee. I mean, I love it, but not incessently. I'm just trying to imagine the type of person who would play that over and over and over. There's gotta be a limit to how many times one can listen to "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" without going insane. I never had issues with neighbors' music when I lived in apartments, but when I was in grad school I lived underneath a family with three little kids in a two-bedroom apt and apparently all the munchkins did was run back and forth all day. I always imagined these little kids running across the floor, thumping into a wall, popping back up and heading the other direction. Momentarily entertaining, but when one is trying to write one's thesis, not so much.

Final homestudy visit tonight! We've been cleaning like mad people all week so that the social worker can walk through all our rooms without thinking that we live in filth. Then it's all just waiting, and more waiting...

auntlada, that sincerely sucks on so many levels. I am the only one in my office to use Quark, and I know what a pain it can be on a good day (don't get me wrong, love it over trying to design in Publisher which was the software they started with, but power =/= user friendly).

And I'm feeling your pain for no-overtime allowed Catch 22. I'm on medically mandated 8 hour max days and 40 hour max weeks, and this is our crunch time (hey, you've got deadlines daily, so I don't expect too much sympathy!). The past two years at this time I have worked 14-18 hour days. We are expected to work a minimum of 12, 6 days a week. Add on that we are switching to new offices RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. I'm not allowed to work more than my 8 hours, and I just can't get it all done in 8 hours (and it doesn't help that there is this lure of the Meet Market and TWoP, but since I don't get a lunch break or other breaks which seems patently illegal, I have given myself "program loading" breaks, since I'm otherwise just waiting a few minutes for my ancient machine to crank).

Catch-22. Grr.

The woman living in the dorm room next to mine my junior year in college used to play Sade's "Smooth Operator" on a continuous, loud loop for about 18 hours. I still can't stand to listen to that song.
On the other hand, I will confess to nearly driving my mother insane when I was about 5. I became obsessed with the soundtrack to "West Side Story" and used to listen to it every afternoon for a couple of hours. And I still like it.
JenEx, you've probably already done this, but just in case: the one thing you can count on being checked in your home study is that you have working smoke detectors throughout the house and a handy fire extinguisher in the kitchen.

Apparently TWoP has some sort of magical power, because not five minutes after I posted? The music stopped. It's the first time these neighbors have blasted their stereo that late on a work night, so I'll give them a pass this time.

What is it with people who have to listen to the same song/album over and over again? I haven't had to do that since I was about 16 (don't ask).

On my annoying noise front, they are building new condos across the street and start with the pounding every morning at 7am. It was bad enough through the week, but now they have started working on Saturdays! I have finally taken to wearing ear plugs and that helps.

When I was in college, the girl in the dorm room next to mine would play Minnie Ripperton's "Loving You" over and over at full volume. ("La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, AHHHHHHHHHH-ahh-ahh-ahh.") As if that wasn't horrifying enough, it was a vinyl album with a scratch in the middle, so it would occasionally start to skip. (Why, yes, I am middle-aged. Why do you ask?) Tragically, it was "inadvertently" left on a radiator one night and melted. It was very sad.

In college, my roommate used to blast Shaggy's "Mr. Boombastic" *every* morning. I woke up to Shaggy every damn day for 2 years. I still have nightmares about that song.

But, even worse then that, a few months ago, the people upstairs from me got a piano and they played it *non-stop*. I would hear it first thing in the morning, late at night...they just *never* stopped. One day they played "Happy Birthday" over and over again for almost 2 hours. This went on for almost 2 months straight and then, one day, the piano music abruptly stopped and I haven't heard it since. I'm thinking that one of the other neighbours broke in and either smashed the piano or killed the guy. Either one is fine with me. That was just torture!


Heh. Maybe your neighbours are TWoPers and they were like: "Oh, shit."

My roommate in my first year would wake me up to the sweet sounds of Sexual Healing. I hate that song now. Plus, she'd usually toast an onion bagel while she listened to it, and the smell of those makes me want to hurl.

I hated my roommates first year. Then I moved the hell out of residence.