Dear Diary

It's hot underneath all these covers. The viewers want to see me, let me out!

Mike's Butt

Residents of Salem

Have you all noticed that tree fell? I mean, there was no storm. But it fell down. Strange.

Parks and Recreation crew of Salem

Dear Diary,
According to the S.P.A.R.D., a tree fell, yet there was no storm. Is that even possible? I am so worried, Diary! I'm worried about this tearing my family apart! How can a tree fall with no storm? It must be those evil DiMeras! We must find a way to stop them! But how? I'll go ask my husband; he'll know. He's the smartest, handsomest man in town (especially since his brother got offed)!
Love until later,
Hope

Dear Diary,
Why must everything go wrong? First, Roman has to go and die and break up MY parents! This whole serial killer is ruining MY relationship with MY parents and making MY boyfriend act all funny. And now this tree fell, even though there wasn't a storm. What else could go wrong, Diary. If things stay this bad I'll have to make love to MY boyfriend Shawn.
Hugs and Kisses,
Belle Black

Dear Diary:

I think I'm losing my mind. When Alison Stewart, er Snyder asked for relationship advice from me today, I actually told her to tell Chris the truth. Since when do I counsel anyone to tell the truth? And no, for once I wasn't buzzing off a good martini. If I had, I still would have told her to lie lie lie, lie like a rug and then lie some more when that lie doesn't work. Who am I turning into, Kim Hughes??

I've got to do something pronto. Maybe I ought to go for some refresher courses from my mentor, Barbara Ryan. If anyone can get me back on track, it's the Mistress of Mistruth herself. She might also let me wear her clothes if I'm really nice.
---Henry Coleman

Dear Diary,

WTF? How the hell did I end up in this crappy cage? Good goddamn, I was just wandering through the jungle one day, minding my own business, doing my dangerous predator thing -- then , BAM, dart in the ass. Next thing I know, I'm in this freakin' cage, and there's some daft old twit singing show tunes to me (if I hear "Clang Clang Clang went the trolley" one more time....RAWR!!). Then, the fluffy-headed bint and her white haired man send me off with the mail guy, and I end up here, in the cemetary, in the freakin' snow with a bunch of loonies gawking at me.

Seriously, this is no way to treat a noble beast such as myself. When I get outta this cage, someone's gonna die. I'm thinking the orange guy with the sword - he reminds me of my cousin Chester and his delicious Cheetos.

Pissed,

The Tiger

Dear Diary,
Today I renounced my Dimera name and decided to become a Brady. I got this nifty leather jacket from the Salem Mall and I feel all rebellious, and tingly Brady goodness fills me. The man I mooched off of since arriving in Salem has been running around his Sensei, and man, that guy must be eating something awful, it's like something crawled up his ass and died. They were sparring in their Power Ranger Underoos and spouting some crap about the "True Heart of the Samaurai" and how cute Jason David Frank's butt is. Boys will be boys, I guess.
Meems has been giving me more Tang than the astronauts get but suddenly I'm just attracted to Shawn-D like nobody's business. Every punch he throws at me is like a tender touch of love, when we wrestled I got that same feeling I get when I watch Tom Brokaw at 6:30 every night.
Man, I'm getting those fucking headaches again. Everytime I get one, a tree falls. And there's no storm. Weird.
Love,
Rex (Rexual Healing.)


Dear Diary,
I'm afraid I can't hold onto Rex much longer. I found him leering at a poster of James VanderBeek that he bought from Spencer's gifts last week, and talking to himself.
"I'm a dirty boy, I'm a dirty,dirty little Brady boy. Aim that fire extinguisher at me, I'm too inspired right now!! I want to be in Dawson's Creek!"
I wonder if Kevin's coming back to town.

Love, Meems.

Dear Diary,

Will someone please SORAS me already?!? My nephew is running around threatening paternity suits and here I am, stuck at the kiddie table with Colby at every friggin' family function.

At the very least, I deserve to spend some time with Nanny K again. Unfortunately, she's always with that grabby eyebrow guy.

Yours truly,
Petey C.

Dear Diary,

Death! Blood! Gloom! Destruction! Killing! Carnage! Rolling Pin! Piñata! Shotgun! Safeguard! Gleem! Crest! Zest! Dove! Klondike! Sara Lee!

Love,
Your Celeste

...and don't forget the Listerine, Sunshine.

---Rose D'Angelo

Dear Diary,

I've tried trapping her in cave, making her plane crash, sending scorpions and Helena Cassadine after her, and shooting her. WHY WON'T SHE DIE?!

It's OK. Calm down. You got rid of Summer, you can get rid of this slut.

You two will be the fairest of them all again soon girls.

Soon.

Love, Bobbie Spencer

Dear Diary,
Bonnie sure has been keeping me good company. Yesterday she dragged me down to Wal-Mart and bought us some sexy wifebeaters and a case of Twizzlers Pull-n-Peel. Then we went down to Horrible Wigs-R-Us and Bonnie got herself another fright wig or five.
Later we went down to the Salem bingo parlor and she won the X-minus one game for $45 bucks. She forgot to buy the Hotball, so it wasn't $623 dollars like it should've been. She's a darling for helping me get over Maggie. She really takes me away to a special place, to Another World.
Kill me now, Marlena!!
Love,
Mickey-pooh.

Dear Diary,

I am worn out and frankly, I am tired of being stretched out. Can I detach from this bitch's body?

Love,
Brooke's Vagina

Dear Diary

Aaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!

Love,

Tony D.

To: Union Grievance Officer

Dear Sir:

We are writing to ask you to intervene on behalf of our local chapter in order to improve our working conditons. Over the last year or two our hours have been cut dramatically, our work space has practically been eliminated, and many of our members have been laid off without notice and without cause. Although things occasionally seem to improve for some of our members, overall the work is sporadic and the working conditions intolerable.

We hope you will look into our complaints and work for a swift resolution of the problem.

Sincerely,

Carly Corinthos's Spirit
Courtney Morgan's Backbone

United Sisterhood of Female Character Traits, Local 195

Bianca's Diary:

It was during a "brainstorming" session of "intense sisterly bonding" when I heard the key fumbling in the door lock of my studio apartment. "Oh, it must be Lena!" my smiling sister Kendallicious said (while prone and at my mercy). That was the split second I realized ... Lena has no key. It must be ... And, as I was scrambling to get off my sister (I know what you're thinking, diary. And ... hee! Yeah. *sigh* She's sooo irresistable. Thank God lena loves her, I'd hate to have to kick the HPF to the curb, but ... Family. You know.) and on my feet, I knew I had to move out ASAP. Like, yesterday!

Until tomorrow,
Bianca

Dear Diary:

Ew ew ewww! I've scrubbed it five times but I can't get the Stewart Woman cooties off my kitchen counter. I can't believe my beloved perfect son would do his skank girlfriend on it but I've got the seared corneas to prove it. I just hope they took it upstairs for the grand finale. Dear GOD let that be the case.

Note for tomorrow: visit Bob at work on the pretense of bringing him lunch, then swipe some Ortho TriCyclen from the meds cabinet. I'll just sneak them into Alison's eggs. I can't take another pregnancy scare.

Kim Hughes

Dear Diary:

Man, am I the Oakdale Mac-Daddy or what? I've got two of "my" women (my wife and my ex-mistress) practically slugging it out. I survived a serial killer trying to bump me off, and I have the easiest job in town, running a hospital which consists of four rooms and a nurse's station. My sons (that I know about!) are carrying on the family tradition; both of them boffed my mistress's older daughter, and now my youngest son is knockin' boots with the other daughter on the kitchen counter! Talk about keeping it in the family. My current wife (former sister-in-law!) is practically beside herself, but if I play my cards right, this whole thing might get her in the mood for some sweet lovin'. Just not in the kitchen.

Not bad for a guy with an AARP card, huh?
---Dr. Bob Hughes

Moved from Soaps and all-inclusive.

Dear Diary,

It's been a stressful week. Carly and I are probably going to get a divorce and she's being very difficult about custody. Everytime I see her face, I get the urge to make her cry. I just want to get my revenge for making me make love to her 321 times and keeping me from spending more time with Jason.

So I tell her I want custody. Truth is, though, that I don't want those kids because they scare me. Michael looks like an orangataun and Morgan is just plain creepy. I know the doctor said that the redness was a eye infection but, if that was the case, shouldn't the white part of the eye be red and not the iris? I swear those eyes glow in the dark.

As for Jason, it looks like his marriage to Courtney may not last much longer. I had knew that it wouoldn't. I wonder if I can convince Jason to take a trip with me to Massachusetts? Our love itsn't illegal there anymore! I know I've got that whole macho mobster man image to consider but no one in Port Charles has to know. I've got a suspicion that most of our friends and family already know how Jason and I feel about each other anyway.

Sonny Corinthos
____________________________

Dear Diary,

I tried my best to kill Lana but it's not easy when you don't have any hands. So I just stomped and stomped with my hoofs but they weren't good enough. If I weren't a horse I could have used a pitchfork and poked lots of holes in her. Instead, all I managed to do was to break her leg.

Damn the limitations of my equine limbs! I want that bitch dead! I can't take much more of the braiding and the pink ribbons and the fucking perfume she's always spraying on me.

Of course I smell like a barn. I'm a horse! It's not natural for me to smell like anything else. But try telling that to little miss pwetty pink pwincess. I'm ready for her the next time though. I've managed to convice my barnmates to join in the next time she comes around. What one horse can't manage surely ten horses can.

Dear Diary,

I am so bored. I never get to do anything at all! I just sit here all day waiting to be used. Maybe one day she'll need me for something. Just something at all!

-Sharon Newman's Brain

Dear Diary,
Sheesh, why can't things ever go my way for once? I finally meet a girl with superpowers, and she turns out to be a total stalker-psycho like all the other Freaks of the Week. She even went after Lana (guess that's nothing new, huh?).
Maybe I should have confided in Lex, but I don't know how much of his memory he has back. Plus what if his dad has the mansion bugged? Oh well.

We had to read Romeo and Juliet last semester. The teacher kept calling them "star crossed lovers". But I couldn't see why. Their lives seemed pretty tame to me.

Clark

Dear (Afterlife) Diary,

We saw the meteor coming and we didn't duck.

Sincerely,

Lana Lang's Pancake Parents


Dear Diary,

Damn, can't a brother even get a decent episode in this town? I get one lousy episode all year long, and it's a third rate rip-off of "2 Fast, 2 Furious", which should have been called "2 Lame 4 Smallville".

And now Clark is mad at me.

Sincerely,

Pete Ross


Dear Diary,

Every time I look at that new kid Adam, I keep hearing the words Bomp-chicka-bamp-bamp.

Sincerely,

Lex Luthor

Dear Diary,

It's like, so unfair. I got a job at CTU, just like my dad, and what do they make me do? Babysit Chloe's kid. I'm not a nanny anymore, duh! I'm all smart and stuff now. And then, you'll never guess, but it turns out that Chloe's not the mother and my boyfriend, Chase, is the father. We've been going out, like, forever (three whole months) and he doesn't tell me this? That is so uncool. I think I'll have my dad beat him up or something. Well, at least that bitch Nina totally got what's coming to her.

Well, gotta go clean up some baby spew (like, EEEWWWWW!)

Kim

Dear Diary,

I've been so damned depressed lately. I just don't know what to do. People in my profession have a very strong code of ethics and I feel I betray that code everytime I do my job. My friends tell me I should just take the money and not think about things too much. Still, I can't help feeling as if I was defrauding the American people. Everytime I urge people to watch ER, I want to cry. I just don't believe that every episode is one that "Can't be missed!" I've missed plenty of episodes ever since I saw an episode of Without A Trace.

NBC Announcer Guy

Dear diary,
Mulder called me "Dearest Dana" today. WTF? Is his brain tumor back? It would be just like him not to tell me.

Personal Log, Ensign Mayweather

Lots of excitement this past shift. Dr. Phlox recruited Cmdr. Tucker and his team to participate in a Denobulan blessing ritual for the Enterprise. They performed a round dance, then jumped over the recumbent figure of the Captain, while wearing costumes representing large cartilaginous fish native to Denobula. Porthos managed to chew a large portion of the background scrim and it fell on me, but Hoshi says it also revealed Major Hayes and Lt. Reed practicing several ancient British Navy rituals concurrently.

I went to bed and had a dream about being locked inside the decon chamber by myself in the dark. Those Denobulan fish costumes were quite elaborate and the dance was graceful and athletic, but the Captain seemed to have other things on his mind. Or maybe he was just trying to remember the acceptance chant?


Computer, end transmission

Hah! Yeah, get those two crazy kids over to the HoYay thread, pronto!

Dear diary,

Why doesn't she want to use me. Doesn't she love me any more? What have I done? I don't understand. A couple of years ago she used me all the time. Now, she's all about the straightening iron and I don't understand why. Her flat hair doesn't even look good.

Sara Sidle's volumizer spray

Dear Diary,

Being evil is hard work! I have to travel all over the world killing old guys and hanging out with Quentin Tarantino. (That Julian guy's kinda cute, though.) As if that's not enough, there are tons of other important decisions to make--should I get the red one or the black one? Does my hair look shiny in a really evil way? And most importantly, do I have enough evil eyeliner?

I'm so tired--I'd go home and make dinner for my clueless husband, but I think he's making out with his stupid ex-girlfriend in a North Korean prison or something. Oh well.

Love,
Lauren Reed

P.S. I'm eeeeevil!

Dear Diary,
I had such a bad day at school. Trey Chandler said Mommy was a lespian and her and Aunt Kendall are doing it. What's a lespian? And what are Mommy and Aunt Kendall doing? Maybe I should ask them, but I don't like going in their room at night. I think they fight a lot. I keep hearing screams and sometimes loud crashes, like Mommy's banging her head against the headboard. I wonder what that is. Oh, well. I better go to sleep now.

Kenny Hart Montgomery, Age 7

P.S. Tomorrow I'll tell Trey I saw his Daddy and Boyd Larabby in a closet, kissing.

Dear Diary,
My super-awesome Devry spy skills are leading me closer to discovering the identity of the killer. I'm starting to suspect Fudgie the whale, as all these beautiful cakes have been destroyed, it must be that chocolate covered, delicious bastard. It could be no one else. Or maybe the Quik Bunny.
No one is any closer to discovering my magical nose goblins, or that they're symbiotes from planet Afrin here to spread peace, freedom and intergalactic funkabilly throughout the universe.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
Love,
John Black, the Pawn.

Dear Diary,
I think I slipped up today, my study date asked me why I'm so flaky, and I didn't blurt out that I was Static, but I said "Things keep coming up", and then I saw Richie, and said "Hey! There's Richie!!"
That Gear costume makes his tushie look so good.
Love,
Virgil Hawkins

Dear Diary,
I ated the purple berries. They taste like burning. Ohhhh!
Belle

Dear Diary,

Chloe and I were working together trying to figure out what my dad is doing in his secret lab. Chloe is looking HOT! It almost takes my mind off a certain big dumb farmboy.

Played Lana like a card today. More later.

Love,

Lex Luthor



Dear Diary,

Saw last night's episode where Hoynes got SCREWED once again by the writers.

Mandyville is looking better every day.

Sincerely,

Sam Seaborn

Dear Diary,

Frank saw my pictorial in "Chicks With Dicks" magazine. I was surprised the secret didn't get out sooner. So I had to tell him that my name may be Darcy Mathews now, but my name was Dan before. I told him that I'm going to have that final operation, but he's actually trying to persuade me NOT to get it cut off. I'm confused.

Puzzled and Perplexed,
Darcy

The Diary of Sonny Corinthos

Dear Diary,

Why do so many bad things happen to me in November? Last year I sort of shot Carly in the head while she was giving birth to Morgan and that led to a whole mess. Okay, maybe I should have forgiven Carly a lot sooner for falling into a coma and having amnesia when she finally woke up. It wasn’t an easy time for me either. I suffered too. People don’t seem to remember that. All I get though is “You shot Carly in the head while she was giving birth!” I can’t believe there are people out there who still hold this against me. Damn Lorenzo Alcazar. I don’t know why he has to bring it up all the time. I wouldn’t have hit Carly if he hadn’t been standing so close to her. The bullet actually did more damage to Carly than it did to him. You’d think he’d be grateful that I didn’t manage to kill him. But Alcazar seems to want to hold on to this forever.

With the exception of Alcazar, we all got past that. This November I was looking forward to a lot of quality family time. I was going to show Michael the business. I can already tell he’s got an aptitude for it. Jason told me that Michael has already ordered him to “get rid of” a few people. That makes me so proud. Michael is eight years old. This means he’s got to be some kind of prodigy. I didn’t order my first hit until I was in my twenties.

Like I said, I was looking forward to spending time with my family. And then all the bad things started happening again. I find out that Alexis’ daughter Kristina was my daughter too. That really surprised me because I didn’t know women that old could have children. I’m not too sure what Alexis’s age is but I know she was born in the 1960s. (I wonder if this is some kind of world record. Must check this out in Guinness.) Anyway, I find out I have a daughter and that she’s dying of aplastic anemia and the only thing that can save her is the umbilical cord from my illegitimate daughter. But then Sam went into labor two days before her due date and the baby died because it was premature. It’s all very sad.

Sam’s very upset about this and so is Jason. Jason is so upset he’s been ignoring me and spending a lot of time with Sam. I know I shouldn’t let this bother me so much. Sam did just lose a daughter and I should be happy she can find comfort in Jason. I’m starting to suspect though that Jason really likes comforting Sam. He does things with her that he usually only does with me. A few days ago, I walked into Jason’s apartment and the two of them were rolling around on the floor in each others’ arms. It’s a good thing I didn’t knock. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t just walked in? Jason might have actually had sex with her!

This is really the most upsetting thing of all. I always thought I had Jason’s absolute love and loyalty but now he gives those longing looks and tender glances to Sam. What does she have that I don’t have? Breasts? Really long pretty hair? I can have those too if I wanted! I just prefer having a penis and short, slicked-back hair and I thought Jason did too. But it turns out I may have been wrong about him. What will I do if I lose Jason?

And I thought things were bad last year.

Dear Diary:

You know how you think you're doing okay, and then suddenly you hear a song or see someone on the street, and all that PAIN AND RAGE just comes flooding back into you and you find yourself kneeling in a pile of photos, sobbing like a baby?

Today was one of those days. I sat down to watch television and suddenly there is this Arby's commerical and there he is. Frank. Large as life, right in there in front of me. He's talking to Oven Mitt and flashing that smile that just shatters my evil heart.

Mother is worried about me. Hell, I'm worried about me. I found myself sending Mike and the Bots "The Italian Job" by mistake. Not even evil appeals to me any more since Frank left. I can't even touch his side of the bed.

I think I'll go set Oven Mitt on fire. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Dr. Clayton Forrester

Dear Diary,

I have been v. busy lately! It's almost gotten my mind off the tragic death of my parents...they were squashed by a meteor in front of me. I've found I quite enjoy the color black. It's almost as great as pink. I think black makes me look more sophisticated than pink, and I am more sophisticated. I mean, I went to art school in Paris. Plus, black is a mourning color, and I am in deep mourning for my parents. Who died.

In the past few weeks lots of very exciting, terrible things have happened to me. Almost as terrible as the death of my parents. But just almost. First, I maxed out Jason's credit card to buy some old book off Ebay. I told him I maxed out my own credit card, but hah! I don't have any money. To think of it, neither does he, anymore. Anyway, I spent a small fortune on this book and all it did was turn be into some evil slut with magic powers. Oh well. No harm. Not like it's my money.

Then I had a horrible brush with a deadly toxin! A deadly toxin that could have left me dead, like my dead parents. It made me have a horrible dream about everyone leaving me. My parents were in it, which is strange, because they've already left me. I mean, they're already dead. No use crying over spilt milk.

Then Jason DUMPED me. He said he didn't like the person he became around me, but that's impossible, because when I rub off on people it just succeeds in making them better people. I think he probably just got his credit card bill. He'll come back, eventually. They all do. Except my dead parents, because they're dead and they'll never come back. Because they're dead.

Well, that's all for now!

Love Always,

Lana Lang

P.S. My parents are dead, my parents are dead, they're dead, dead DEAD! Good to get that out. Sometimes things hurt so much when you bottle them up and never talk about them to anyone.

Dear Diary,

I am so glad we've finally gotten Rory here where she belongs. Richard seems to feel a bit guilty about that little "trick" we played on Lorelai, letting her think we were on her side, but you and I know that we are only doing what's best for our granddaughter. Lorelai has no idea what is best for even herself (she is still dating that horrible diner owner) and I simply cannot allow her to influence poor Rory anymore.

Within the year, Rory WILL BE engaged to Logan and WILL marry into a family that will keep her in our world forever...no matter how many goats I have to sacrafice to see to it.

Emily Gilmore

Dear Diary,

You know, at first I was kind of bummed about Rory living with the devil parents but I've decided to look at the bright side. Now Luke and I can have lots of kids and a great and awesome family without worrying about Rory's self-centeredness. I'll just stop pretending she exists. Yay!

Lorelei Gilmore

Dear Diary:

Well, that could have gone better. On the one hand, the toaster might be one of us after all - when it grabbed the dead guy's big frakking gun, it shot another toaster right in its shiny metal ass. On the other hand, the High Priestess of Vague Mysticism stepped on a mine. I'm still picking pieces of her out of my hair! Who's going to give us impossibly broad, easy-to-misinterpret guidance from the Scrolls now, that's what I want to know.

Capt. Apollo looked really good in the firefight - I mean really good. Too bad he seems to be more interested in that tramp, Starslu- I mean, Starbuck (I ought to be nice to her, she quit her job to get me the Arrow). I think he'll make a good right-hand man, if you know what I mean. I think that sleazy Zarek might want to, er, take his place, but ewwww!!

Anyway, I ought to close now - need to get some sleep before we get to the Tomb.

Love,
Roslin

Dear Diary:
I flexed my muscles in the mirror, and tweaked my tiny nipples. Wow, I'm hot! I know I'm supposed to be marrying Sami soon, (even though Mommy doesn't want me to) but why do I get a tingly feeling in my pants when I think of Stan? Also, why does Will need hot rollers at summer camp? I think I grew some today. I'll be up to 5'2" in no time!

-Lucas Roberts


Dear Diary:
I'm so glad I got away from all those crazy fuckers! I think I'll change my last name.

-Eric Brady, I mean Smith

Dear Diary:
Me too! My first name's pretty stupid. Yeah, I'm going to be changing that also.

-Not Rex Brady anymore

Dear Diary:

I was just flying along, minding my own business, when this crazy red haired man stuck his arm into my rear rotor! What an idiot! Then, after I got fixed, we leave the same dumb hospital, when the idiot piloting me screws up. As we fall to the ground, who else should I see but that red headed bastard--again. So, I squashed him good. I wonder whatever happened to that guy?

-Romano's Death Copter

Elizabeth Corday's diary, pre-Mark:

Dear Diary, what a lovely day. My career is going well, I get on well with my colleagues and I have an active social life. I feel independent and happy - in control of my own life

Elizabeth Corday's diary, post-Mark:

Grrrrrrr! Snarrrrl Gnash! Grrrr!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Things have been so crazy at home. Mommy's freaking out to the point that she might start throwing things (oh no!) and Nick and Sharon are acting like Royal Doult-ons. All he talks about is "justice" but I've never heard a heaping pile of crockery in my life.

On the plus side, today's the day Miguel gives me a massage with the Swiffer Mitt. My girly-parts are all a-tingle!

Later,

Big Blue Plate

Dear Diary,

I am so lost without my dear Rex, I do not know what to do with myself. My girlfriends are encouraging me to date that nice George from the Pharmacy, but lately....well, let's just say he is starting to weird me out. The kids are still being a problem and, quite frankly, dear diary, I am starting to be a little afraid of the boy. There is something not quite right about him.

Oh, I must dash...I have a bundt in the oven.

Bree

Dear Diary,

Ugh, so my murder was solved and everyone knows I screwed Haaron. Siiigh. I guess my days of haunting everyone is over. I bet Logan's like mad, or something. If only he knew. At least Veronica's still cool with me. Hopefully, I'm going to a better place.

Love,
Lilly Kane

Here's the TV diary thread!

Dear Diary

Gina blew up the Cloud 9 with the nuclear bomb I gave her, but I am the President of the Colories now. Setting course for New Caprica.

President Gaius Baltar


(1 year later, really, we're not kidding)

New Caprica: day 380
Dear Diary,

Surrendered the last of humanity to the Cylons today but I did get my all time favorite nookie-buddy back both in my mind and in the (still wonderful) flesh, so let's call it a wash.

Still president, at the discretion of our new Cylon overlords.

President Gaius Baltar

Dear Diary,

The cancer must have moved to my brain. I am never listening to Bill Adama again.

Sincerely,

Laura Roslin, aka We Wouldn't be under Cylon Dominion If I were still President.

Dear Diary,
I feel like a two year old. Even though it takes two to make a bad sexual decision, I want to lay the guilt a little thicker so Mer feels even worse, wish me luck
Love,
George

A rough translation from the paw-prints

Today I got good news. I will be FREE from this stupid family. The One Called "Mary" sent me a package. Matches, a lighter, and a terrier-sized asbestos suit. Soon...

Happy Camden