Ruben: I won bitches, now get over it.

Ryan Seacrest: People are really gonna know who I am in ten years.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh, no, don't look at me. Let's focus on the people who have TALENT

Simon: You have such a beautiful womenly shape, it's going to take you far in the music industry

Paula: (Anything that makes sense)

Randy: Dog, I can't remember names, why do you think I say everyone's three times. Every time I tried to vote out Carmen, I couldn't remember her name.

Anyone from 19E: And now, hit singer Justin Guarini singing a song from his double platinum debut

"Hobbits Rule!!!" (Kelly Clarkson)

Simon,
All the people at tryouts were so wonderful, I wish we could take all of them. Their appearances are not an issue, it was just their lovely voices that won me over.

"And now...in their highly anticipated debut: International Superstar and Dutch Idol JAMAI and Sir Elton John performing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me".

Alexander: After I find a decent shirt with some sleeves, I'm gonna go to Sears to look at powertools, then go home and crack open a cold one and fall asleep on the couch before the game starts.

Scooter Girl: I am a whole and complete person in and of myself. I do not need the endorsement of others to validate my existence. I am a strong, healthy human being. Oh, wait, Camera Guy! Come back Camera Guy!

Randy Jackson: I did it all with Atkins. God bless that man.

Randy: Compare me again to Al Roker, I just love hearing about my resemblance to that gorgeous hunk of Today Show manflesh.

Michael Keown: In lieu of a song, I'd like to recite a speech I formulated, entitled "What Humility Means To Me." (Delivers thoughtful, five-minute speech in a meek voice).

BWAH!

Trenyce's Desert Island list:

"I Don't Mean to be Rude", by Simon Cowell.

"Eighth World Wonder", by Kimberley Locke.

Paula: (not a quote so much as her appearing on live TV with two black X's on her hands and wearing a Minor Threat T-shirt)

Simon: This show is about talent, not ME. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for church.

Ryan: Wow, I am actually 40.

Simon: This show is really about who gives the best blow jobs. Now if you'll excuse me, Nigel and I need to compare...er, notes.

Simon: If you won the million dollars, what would you do with it?
Rodrigo: I'd spend it on booze and hookers.
Simon: Welcome to Hollywood.

Alan: "It's fate, see? Because I know something interesting that isn't about my ego, and that's that 'American Idol' can also spell 'Demoniac Liar', 'Demoniac Lair' , 'ironic lame ad' and 'ironic male ad', instead of something craptacular like pointing out that a few common letters from the alphabet, of which two fifths are in the title, miraculously spell my simple four letter name!"

(I guess that's why Kiira got booted: It's not called 'American Ikol'. Maybe, maybe, Alan is on to something...)

Brianna: Dance!

Kiiiiiira: You know the judges did the right thing to cut me. Goats don't belong on this show. AI is much better off without me.

Alan: The women here are so damn ugly and unappealing.

Lisa W.: I think I'm going to practice my singing, and then turn in early for a good night's sleep.

Simon : I'm sorry..you just don't look old enough, George.

Eric Yoder: I voted for Ruben.

Simon: *rips off shirt and shows pierced left manboob*

Alan: Stripping is overrated. I prefer to get by on my singing talent.

Briana: I need a hug.

Tieri: It feels great to be alive and well in the competition!

Scooter Girl: Get that camera away from me!

Simon: You look beautiful the way you are - you don't need to lose a single ounce.

Simon: You have a smoking hot body and big boobs, but unfortunately you have a mediocre voice so we're going to have to pass on you.

Ryan Seacrest: Wow, did you check out the abs on that guy? Mmm, daddy likes!

Paula to Trashcan Loin: You disgust me. Get out of my bed. And you can take that bottle of pills with you when you go.

Simon to Fantasia: Fantasia, that was absolutely ghastly. And if America chooses you, the competition will have failed.

Ryan: Oh, the tension's too much -- I can't wait until after the commercial -- Diana, you're through to the next round.

Ryan: "Let's take a stroll back into the red roo-... Oh, who the fuck are we kidding - it's the Coke room, all right? The COCA-COLA fucking room! The Made-in-Atlanta, we-hate-Pepsi, Big-Fat-Mr.-Moneybags-Sponsor room! I mean, for Chrissakes, even the furniture looks like Coke logos!! COCA-COLA OWNS US, OK?!?!?!!!

Oh, and also - AT&T Wireless is great. We love AT&T Wireless."

Don't bother wasting your money on texting. We only count the votes we want to - Ryan Seacrest

I'm a very unemotional person - Jennifer Hudson

I really AM Macy Gray - Fantasia

We have a special treat for you tonight! A duet between multi-platinum artists Justin Guarini and Nikki McKibbin.

"Matthew Metzger, please sit closer to me, because I'd love to put my hands all over you." - Ryan

"I must congratulate you on choosing a 50 year old song to sing. Your performance was creative, unique, and not at all cabaret." - Simon

SIMON: "To be completely honest, I don't know shit about any of this. I just showed up at a recording company with a made-up resume and pretended I knew everything, and no one doubted me. Seriously - I don't even listen to music. Never sang, played an instrument, nothing. I'm just a rude person with a lot of opinions. Fortunately for me, that makes for good television."

Clay: It's all about the Benjamins, baby!

Ruben: That Clay dude need his a** kicked.

Kiira: I thought this WAS "Trailer Trash Idol!"

Matthew M.: What would Clay do?

Model Lisa: I'll never be taken seriously if I keep hanging with that Alan guy.

"That was a poor song choice. But, if I'm being honest, contrary to want we telling the viewing audience, you only had three songs to choose from and they all stunk, so it's not your fault." - Simon Cowell

Alan Ritchson: I'm sick of being forced to whore around, trying to do Heather, Ashley, Lisa, Paula, and God knows who else. Why can't they just let me hit on Jon Peter Lewis or Marque Lynche or even Ryan Seacrest?

Michael Keown: I sang for the Pope and the Clintons. Why in the name of God am I here with Art Garfunkel and some JC Chasez wannabe?

Ashley Thomas: I am incapable of setting America's television sets on fire.

Kira Scott: But Simon told me to be a bitch!

William Hung: (sings "Nessun Dorma")

Martha Krabill: I am the best young rifle-shooter and cook in my batallion. And I can't sing for shit.

Kristen Powell: All right, I admit it. I'm just here because the radio station that I work for paid me to do so. I can sing.

Amy Adams: Fuck Vanessa and Nikki! I'm the real red-headed wonder!

Benita Fook-Ling Lee: My mother and aunts are failed singers, my dad has been kicked out of seven bands, and I dropped out of Harvard to star in "Miso Horny", a hardcore porno with Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. It's out on DVD. (sings "I Can't Stand The Rain" coherently and in tune)

Paula Abdul: I am not a big fan of yours. You suck.

Ryan Seacrest: Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Dunkleman is back!

Edgar Nova: I can't sing. I need to put my talents to some other use.

Katrina and Edwina Rosado: Damn, we are off-beat.

Matt: Playing in the Rose Bowl is highly overrated,and I'm giving up my spot to Lisa, who sang way better than I did Tuesday night.

Jasmine: A flower in my hair? That's way too cheesy. I'd never want to exploit my ethnic roots like that.

Lisa: I really can't sing. I only made it this far because of my boobs.

George: Fuckity fuck! I hate America! Skip this shit, I'm spent!

Anyone: John, you need to calm down.

Judges to John Stevens-

"Calm down, John"

"Grow up"

"Act your age"

"Have some class"

"Don't talk back to me"

Simon: "T-shirts come in an EXTRA-Large? Why did no one tell me sooner? We've been on the air for three seasons, you'd think someone would have noticed by now."

I don't know how you predicted this one...but seeing it here first made it all the funnier when it happened!

That? Would be worth the price of admission.

George: Take this contest and shove it up your ass!

Leah: The 80's are so overrated

Jasmine: Hawaii sucks, I'm moving to Idaho

Camile: I don't actually hula, now teach me some of that hip hop

Matt: I was actually a cheerleader in the Rose Bowl. Kiss me, Ryan!

Ryan: I was actually a cheerleader in the Rose Bowl. Fuck me, Matt!

Matt : No seriously, this is my real hair.

Damnit, philmphile, I was just coming here to post that! Great minds, I suppose. Although since this is lines we'll never hear, I think it would actually be more along the lines of:

Matt: Yeah, this is totally a rug.

Matt: I'm gonna feed the rabbits, George...

Ryan: (doesn't say anything, walks up behind Matt and shoots him in the head)

George: I'm so sad! Sad! Sad! Sad! I'm depressed! I hate all of you!

Simon - Girls, you should really stop wearing skirts that look as though they're about to fall off your hips. That is just not sexy. You should try dressing more like LaToya.