If I am in the armed forces and am not residing in a comedy, I will be a risktaker who doesn't go by the book. In the final conflict, I will be forced to decide between the book tactics I've learned and the instincts I always get in trouble for following, even though they always work. I will choose to follow my instincts. This will save everyone. After being yelled at for my lack of direction-following skills, I will be declared a hero. Everyone will cheer and hug me.

High school gym classes dress alike in shirts and shorts with the school name on them, not shirts and shorts brought from home like I had to wear.

Computers always work on demand, the Blue Screen of Death does not exist, anything in the world is immediately accessible with half a dozen keystrokes, and information always presents itself onscreen within one second no matter how complex and image-filled the screen is. (Unless the Bad Guys are rushing upon you, in which case the simplest single sentence will take three and a half minutes to present.)

In a similar vein...

You can usually figure out someone's password in three tries, but if for some reason you can't don't sweat it -- just override it! Oh, sure, it takes a few extra keystrokes, but, really, it's easy!

Anytime a woman gets on her soapbox about how she doesn't need a man to fix things around the house, you know she'll screw up whatever she tries to fix.

Any time a man tries to fix something around the house, he will screw it up. His wife will have to call in a professional, like she suggested in the first place, or he will do it without telling her.

And the telly is in the middle of the room. Don't worry about tripping on cords or anything on your way into the kitchen, which is always directly opposite the front door.

Alexandria Bay, you’ve forgotten the biggest Dunnit of all: The Evil Corporation. This is especially true if it's a pharmaceutical company.

From Lifetime Channel: If I am a young woman who needs to solve a mystery, track down a story, infiltrate an evil sorority, etc., I will always get befriended by a pleasant New Agey guy of roughly my age with whom I have zero romantic chemestry, but who always becomes my boyfriend. This guy is always contrasted favorably to the date rapist/frat boy/murder suspect who hassles me.

The New Age eunuch always has long or longish hair, usually in a ponytail - even if he's over 40. He dresses casually in denim and is soft spoken. He often has a dog or rides a bike instead of a car or wants to be a photographer or something artsy. He may be reporter or someone who does desk work at the police station. If he's in college, he takes the protagonist out for coffee (never alcohol) at the first opportunity. He may get roughed up a little, but the majority of the damage happens to the woman.

Women in Lifetime movies have two kinds of friends:
1) The fragile-as-china friend who ultimately gets raped/kidnapped/suicides.
2) The tough-as-nails wisecracking, sassy sidekick.

Sometimes they get an upper-crust peer befriending them, but they usually turn out to be traitors in some way.

I thought the traitorous upper-crust friend had to be at least slightly older than our heroine.

If you're hiding a baby, it will make a noise right before someone heads out the door. There's no chance in hell that you'll succeed in keeping it quiet.

This will also happen if you're hiding a dog.

And if I have a baby, I will have occasion to need to hide its existence. 'Cause, you know, that happens all the time.

If you're pregnant and you don't want anyone to know all you need is a large coat and a very big shoulder bag.

Hey presto! Baby bump becomes invisible.

While rolling around in the Clean Hay of Romantic Goodness, no one happens to find themselves in a big ol' pile of animal shit. Barn Animals always wait until taken out by their owners to an oppropriate place to relieve themselves. When the intruding couple comes bursting through the door, none of the animals makes a sound; if there are animals at all. Everyone knows that farmers only keep barnes to preserve their massive collections of pristine, virginal hay.

Every young girl in tv land rides her own horse or pony. She will never have to clean out the stables or actually feed the animal.



If her dorky husband has to put something together, he will forget to put in the screws or bolts that are vital to the construction.

Not only that, but she rarely, if ever, even has to tack it up or cool it down after a long ride. Usually there is a "stable-hand" to do that kind of stuff. She also often needs help mounting from said stable-hand. Because you know, mounting on a horse is so difficult and all, without a boost up. People also very, very, rarely wear riding helmets. And muss up that perfect 'do? Never! Horses are never balky, only spook unless its a plot contrivence to land the sweet heroine in the hospital with a big cast, and never exhibit annoying tendencies like jerking into a trot from a walk.

And everybody's got awesome riding boots.

It will collapse just as he is proudly showing it to the family. If electricity is involved, sparks will literally fly. No fire, just sparks.

When a cop / hero / whatever is persuing a villain who is chasing me with a gun they will not take any action until he has me cornered and is pulling the trigger. Then they will shoot him and I will hear the gunshot and be amazed when I am unharmed.

When said villain-about-to-pull-the-trigger is shot they will not react in any way for a few moments, except perhaps to freeze in position. Then they will frown (or if frowning already, their eyes will roll up) and they will fall to the ground, often revealing the real shooter, who is standing right behind them. They will not: a) be blown apart or move due to the impact of the bullet. b) finish their last action and shoot my ass. They are almost always dead before they hit the ground.

In addition, all bullets, no matter the caliber or how close the target, can be stopped by one body. Therefore you can stand directly behind somone and shoot them without harming the person who is standing directly in front of them.

And there is no such thing as an unfortunate ricochet.

When the bad guy sprays the area I am in with machine gun fire, I will be unharmed. Despite the fact that the wall behind me is now riddled with bullet holes.

More horse cliches

For lessons, TV kids are always attired in what would is usually just worn at horse shows - hunt jacket, tie, shiny long boots - instead of what real-life riders wear around the barn: sweatshirts, dirty paddock boots, t-shirts, etc.

Jumping is really easy, even beginners can do it fairly soon.

Young, inexperienced characters can ride stallions. In real life, most riders have/compete on geldings and mares - stallions are usually barred from junior exhibitor classes.

Horses have telepathy and also know right off the bat who the bad guys are and usually dump them in the mud/manure.

Or a convenient filthy trough.

Those are the awesome boots I was talking about! The shiny boots!

This is true. Never trust someone your horse (or your dog) doesn't like.

When my child is in a kiddie soccer club, i will fall out with the referee during the game. I will claim to know how to take charge of a bunch of six year olds, even if i do not have a clue when it comes to my own kids. I will start coaching the team, and totally turn them against me.

tv kids will never deserve to be penalized during the game. Only the bullies from the other team know the meaning of a yellow or red card.

It is perfectly okay for a woman to haul off and slap a man across the face. Oh, sure, he may be a little upset, but mostly his reaction will be, "I deserved that." And the reason he deserved it? Was for some slightly ungentlemanly behavior, like flirting with another woman or making an insulting, but not off-color, remark. Upon being smacked in the face, he won't swear, he won't hit back, and he certainly won't point out that it's physical abuse and call the police. (And neither will the President /cough/WestWing/cough/). A man may slap a woman across the face if A. she is hysterical and B. it is afternoon.

Additionally, The Woman may slap and then kiss The Man; afterwards, The Man may both slap and then kiss The Woman.

The slappiest slapper ever was Catherine from Newradio. I believe they once had a montage of her dolling it out.

The same rule applies to throwing a drink in a man's face.

When two people are hiding from a villain, one of the characters will inevitably need to sneeze. He will make a big show of it going ah-Ah-AH...so that the other character can notice and clamp their hand over sneezing character's face. When it seems that the sneeze has passed, non-sneezing character will remove their hand, only for the other character to let out an enormous sneeze a few seconds later. No-one in TV-land has the ability to, you know, hold the damn sneeze in.

Well, naturally. According to Lifetime movies, normal men are always evil because penis=Evil Sceptor of Male Oppression Tactics; the New-Agey men (and I use that term loosely) who have no use for their genitalia except as a means of urinating are the only ones you can trust because they'll never try to have sex with you. As everyone knows, only 'Bad Girls' want a man to have a sexual relationship with; 'Good Girls' want a man who enjoys Enya, knitting, and perfoming weekend arts&crafts projects.

All middle names by law are antiquated or unusual (Xavier), and the main character is embarrassed by it being revealed. For men, they must be feminine names, or we will find out their real first name is girlie, and what we call them by is their middle name or nickname.

(I should mention, on The Drew Carey Show, Drew's middle name is Allison, but that is the real Drew Carey's middle name.)

My favorite example of the weird real first name phenomenon was on Night Court when it was revealed that Dan's real name was Reinhold and Harry made fun of it. The show's creator was named Reinhold. Reinhold Weege, in fact.

Yep, her last episode.

Very few teens who get a job actually keep them into the next episode. (Unless the setting ties in with the show's theme or something) Usually, they quit a) after their first day - i.e. "I have to wear an ugly uniform and serve stupid people!" or b) after proving to whoever that they are in fact responsible and can earn their own cash, they quit.


It is also popular for all the coworkers to applaud when someone publicly quits, when in real life, they might rethink that option.

The worst sin a man can commit while living with a woman is leaving the toilet seat up. Leaving the seat up is a sign that the guy is insensitive, selfish, and unaware of the needs of his woman. Never mind that the 1 second that it takes a woman to put the seat back down is not exactly a hardship, never mind that no one ever expects a woman to put the seat back up when she's done, to make it easier on the next guy to use the john. Nope, in TV land, women constantly bitch and moan about the damn toilet seat. Sweetie, if that's the worst complaint you have about your man....

Yes, this is the only time it is okay. She will then pull herself together and thank him for slapping the sense into her.

... and volunteering at the local retirement home.

Gentlemen: if you are watching a football game, and you are really into it, you will actually be holding a football.

If you plan to watch the "game of the year", don't announce it. Your family members will choose the exact amount of time between the kick off, and whatever ends a football game, to annoy you with their problems.

It also never occurs to wives that planning a day out and expecting their husbands to watch the kids on Superbowl Sunday is a bad idea. Because after years of marriage she still hasn't noticed how important that day is to him. Not to mention the fact that no woman on the face of the earth is a sports addict herself.

"if you are watching a football game, and you are really into it, you will actually be holding a football."

Also if you actually GO to any kind of sports game with a ball for a fun date, you will wind up catching the ball in the stands accidentally out of a zillion fans grabbing for it.

I've learned that if I am a youngster in a Disney TV channel movie, my best friend is almost always a) opposite sex, b) different race, or c) both! Bonus points if I'm say, a Caucasian boy who hangs out with an African American girl AND an Asian American girl. Because preteen boys never find the opposite sex "icky" and prefer to hang out with other boys at least in public.

It's also possible to meet one of the players by accident, since there is no such thing a security at football games, and to sustain a black eye from a blind ball or puck.

People will always be amazed by seeing themselves upon the huge tv screen above the stadion, which will or has caused them to do something stupid, or propose to their girlfriend in front of the entire stadion.

If I am a person who is currently in high school, losing my virginity will be one of the most traumatic decisions of my life. Easily on the same level as deciding to donate a kidney or being on a jury that has the option of giving someone the death penalty. It must be with exactly the right person who I truly, truly love, lest I end up emotionally scarred and ruined for life.

However, if I am a person who is currently in my mid-twenties to mid-thirties, I will regularly recall my sex filled high school escapades with the same "oh what fun" attitude that I would recall trips to the beach or amusement park. My many one night stands and frequent casual sex will just be fond, funny memories that have helped mold me into the well adjusted, happy individual that I am today.

Or the flip side, if I skipped school or called in sick to work, I will appear on the Jumbotron and my teacher/employer will see me on TV and know I was faking. If there is a chance of winning a huge prize, I will be in the winning seat.

If a group of people attends the game, the one with the least athletic skill will win the chance to shoot the winning basket.

In the future, space navies will radically redesign their uniforms every three years or so. Even so, at least one female crew member will wear an outfit that would make a stripper blush.

That female crew member will also be alien (or part alien or raised by aliens). Human womenfolk will know to dress appropriately.

Speaking of the future and sports, in the future we will have invented completely different sports from the ones we now know and love.

These new sports will be either (a) incredibly violent, (b) incredibly complex or ( c) a baffling combination of both (a) and (b).

When a character plays the piano, and the actor doesn't, they will only show hands moving on the keys. When there is a bodyshot of the person at the piano, the hands will be hidden to hide the fact that the music is just playback, and there are probably no keys on the actual prop piano.

The only acceptable composers of classical music are Beethoven, Chopin and Bach.

At some time, one of my friends will find themselves in a situation where they have to wear an absolutely ridiculous costume.

Whatever the situation is they will find that they have to walk through the streets or use public transport in the aformentioned costume.

At some point in my life, a group of people will walk into the bathroom while I am taking a bath and proceed to have a conversation while I try to cover myself with bubbles.

When I'm crying and someone offers me their handkerchief, I should always blow my nose in it to much laughter from the audience.

Here's a lesson I learned just recently. Never get so emotionally invested in a show that you're sad that they shot their series finale even though it won't air for another 5 months...

But it's okay, because there's always enough bubbles to cover you.