» Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica Options

[isabelstant]

In the grand tradition of the original Skippy's List and having far too much time on my hands, and on the off chance someone else wants to add to the list:

The Kara Thrace Memorial (?) List Of Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:

1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Especially in front of his wife.
* Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama's wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it's hilarious. It's still cruel.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President's baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn't even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
* No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
* Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I've heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta's name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human's body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
* Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25.Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as "a Cylon perv tape."
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she'll overrule Major Adama's orders.
* Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
* Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
* Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
* Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG's bed.
* Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
* Not allowed to put the CAG's hand in warm water while he's sleeping.
* Not allowed to steal the CAG's pants.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
* Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.

This post has been edited by isabelstant: Mar 29, 2007 @ 1:18 am.

[Promethia]

3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh’s name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.

Somehow the funniest thing on this very funny list. Oh, I am going to hell out the nearest airlock.

27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin’s sight, ever.

And I would pay to see this, whatever it is.

This post has been edited by Promethia: Feb 8, 2007 @ 12:15 am.

[toadlessgirl]

Wow. #3 and #36 have just completely made my day. Awsome Job.

[Demonique]

All of these are great, although I'm particularly fond of #7 and #17.

Okay, I'll give it a shot...

41. Not allowed to use "pulling a Baltar" as a euphenism for going crazy.
*Or a euphenism for being "easy".
*Even if it is apt.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
43. Not allowed to "inspect" suspected Cylon agents for barcodes.
*Or glowing spines.
*Or manufactor's numbers.
44. Col. Tigh's first name is not Polyphemus.
*Calling him "Polly" is just asking for trouble.
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.

[ladyboy]

Those are brilliant! And thanks for introducing me to Skippy's list, I think my favourite is #184 I'll have a go

46. Painting the word "Cylon" in someone's locker will never be funny

47.Not allowed to tell people that the second sign of being a cylon is "Hairs on the palms of your hands."
*I may not subsequently tell them that the first sign is"looking for them."

48. Not allowed to blame my mistakes on my imaginary girlfriend
*even if she is an angel
*even if she is a chip.

49. (Steal! from the motivator thread.) Kacey's mom does not have it going on.

[bluedevilblue]

Those are all hilarious, the TGH one is especially awesome. Mine are not nearly as good, but here it goes -

50. Admiral Adama is not a drama queen.
* Admiral Adama is not a queen of any kind.
* He's not a drama king, either.
* No, it doesn't matter what President Roslin said.

51. Not allowed to "borrow" the Cylon restraints for the weekend.
* Even if Captain Thrace asked you to.

This post has been edited by bluedevilblue: Feb 8, 2007 @ 8:08 pm.

[Raksha]

These are HI-larious! Here are a few that I modified for BSG:

52. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by the Quorum of 12.
53. I am not the Fleet Mascot.
54. I may not call do-overs during training maneuvers.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace does it.
55. Not allowed to wear a dress to Geminon chapel services.
56. A smilie face is not used to mark the position of a Cylon Basestar.
57. Cylon raiders are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell nuggets that they are.
58. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of Boxey.
59. I cannot have Boxey thrown in the brig for being rude.
60. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by the CAG.
* Even if Captain Thrace says it.
61. There is no such thing as a were-Cylon.
62. Our Vipers cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.

[isabelstant]

42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."

HEEEE!

And I'd actually planned to include these in the original, but the post got too long:

63. Not allowed to ask Lieutenant Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
* No, not even if I call it "research."
* Not allowed to ask Captain Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
64. Not allowed to speculate in President Roslin's hearing about whether the carpet matches the drapes. Ever.
* (It does, but I didn't hear that here.)
65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
* Again.
66. Not allowed to trade my gun for anything, including sexual favors, alcohol, or nuggets.
67. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Roslin-on-Zarek pornography.
* No such thing exists.
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
* Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.
69. I am not a licensed medic.
70. The Top Gun mug does not entitle me to oral sex.
* Second place is not "getting to give it."
* No, no matter what Captain Katraine used to say.
* Not allowed to remind Captain Thrace of anything Captain Katraine used to say.
* Especially not that.
71. Not allowed to steal from the dead.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
* Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."

This post has been edited by isabelstant: Feb 8, 2007 @ 8:54 pm.

[Raksha]

* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.

Nice!

Also, I don't know why, but every single one of these involving the nuggets in any way kills me.

[isabelstant]

Also, I don't know why, but every single one of these involving the nuggets in any way kills me.

Because it's a funny word. Nugget. Nugget nugget nugget.

OK, maybe sleep would be a good idea sometime soon...

This post has been edited by isabelstant: Feb 8, 2007 @ 9:53 pm.

[Raksha]

Also, I don't know why, but every single one of these involving the nuggets in any way kills me.

Because it's a funny word. Nugget. Nugget nugget nugget.

Heh. Yeah, it's a funny word. I think it also brings to mind an aura of gullibility, naïveté, and exploitation. Because I'm a horrible person, I find that hilarious.


73. At no time may I refer to nuggets as "my harem."
74. I may not haze a new batch of nuggets by having them pants Colonel Tigh.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace's "Time of the Month."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”
77. “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.
78. He is not "The Dread Pirate Tigh."
79. Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by nuggets.
* Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
* And bartering said tapes to the rest of the Fleet.
80. Nobody wants to sign my petitions.

[isabelstant]

In general, I find that many, many things about BSG are much more enjoyable if one happens to be a horrible person. So at least you're not alone?

81. I do not know what the word "inconceivable" means, and I should stop using it.
82. Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Major Adama.
* Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Captain Thrace
* Unless she gets a cut.
83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
* No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.
84. "Lee Adama takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable boxing cheer.
* Or true.
* Honestly.
85. Not allowed to give lap dances while wearing any part of my uniform.
* No, not even if the uniform comes off in the process.
86. Not allowed to add "in my flightsuit" to the ends of my sentences.
87. Not allowed to spike Major Adama's coffee.
* Not allowed to spike Admiral Adama's coffee.
* Spiking coffee, in general, is wrong. And a waste of coffee.
* The petition to declare wasting coffee a hanging offense gathered 800 signatures and is currently under review.
88. Not allowed to speak to the press.
89. It is not "Official Hug A Superior Officer Day."
* It is not "Naked Marsday."
90. Viper jocks do not "do it in the cockpit."
* Raptor jocks do not "do it in pairs."
* Knuckledraggers do not "do it with lube." Except when they do.
* Not allowed to speculate about when, where, how, why, or with whom President Roslin does it, as I do not want to know what will happen should she overhear me.
91. President Roslin will always overhear me.

This post has been edited by isabelstant: Feb 8, 2007 @ 11:42 pm.

[Raksha]

In general, I find that many, many things about BSG are much more enjoyable if one happens to be a horrible person. So at least you're not alone?

So true!

Okay, last one and then I'm going to bed. For reals this time.

92. Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
* Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
* No matter how much Chief Tyrol can do with it.
93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
* Yes, Boxey counts.
94. Not allowed to score PDAs in the pilots' bunk room.
95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."
96. I am not allowed to tell nuggets that Tigh gave up his eye to see the future.
* That future is not the moment of his own death.

[GoldfishGirl42]

This thread is frakkin' brilliant.

92. Not allowed to play "Hide The CAG's Wedding Ring."
*Any more.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
*Especially not if Captain Thrace tells me to.
93. Asking Lt. Gaeta if I can borrow a pen is not funny.
*Really, it's not.
*Okay, it is, a little.
94. Not allowed to conspicuously sniff any tea offered to me by the XO.
95. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
96. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
97. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.

[isabelstant]

95. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.

Damn. *hides matches*

And okay, I swear to God, I'm done for the night. Right after this:

103. We do not serve Cylon stew at any meal.
104. Nothing good has ever followed the words "here, hold my drink and watch this." I will keep this in mind at all times.
105. Not allowed to mutiny.
* No, not even if President Roslin did it first.
106. The phrase "superior asshole" is really not all that funny anymore.
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
108. Baltar is not my homeboy.
109. I may never use the phrase "hornier than Starbuck in a locker room."
* No, not even if she laughs.
110. I am not the Cylon God.
* Neither is anyone I know.
* Probably.
* At any rate, that is definitely not why they keep beating me at cards.
111. President Roslin does not want to hear about my rash.
112. Not allowed to tell nuggets that if they say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
* No matter how often it works.

This post has been edited by isabelstant: Feb 11, 2007 @ 3:49 pm.