» The Reality Television "Awards" Options

[Senor Audacity]

My favorite category ...

Dumbass Move of the Year: Shandi cheats on her boyfriend -- on camera! And then calls to confess to him -- on camera! ANTM2

This was a tough choice, for there were many moments of complete idiocy last year. But two deciding factors put the Kansas City Wal-Mart girl on top: She tried to cover up one bad mistake by making one even worse mistake; and of all the things you should never, ever do on TV, cheating on your boyfriend, I assume, is pretty fucking high on the list. And high is the only thing I can think of as an excuse for following up a hot tub session with their go-see chaperones with tongue hockey and, finally, putting his Chevy in her ditch. Now that she's cheated on Eric, does she wait until the show's over and she flies back to K.C. and tells him what she did, away from the harsh light of a camera? No! Not poor, troubled, misguided Shandi. She has to immediately call Eric and tell her she allowed some greasy Italian to plunge into her, repeatedly, which makes her boyfriend go through reverse puberty with the castrato he sounds when she breaks the news. In the "After The Catwalking's Over" episode, we see that Eric has taken her back. And he will be duly rewarded when Shandi gets gangbanged by the men of the Thunder From Down Under.

Other "What The Fuck?!?" Moments:

• Jason cancels the meeting, Apprentice: Second week of this show and this Michigan St. grad/real estate developer becomes project manager for a task where you design a marketing campaign for a boutique jet company. They were given contact information -- actual phone numbers -- of the president of the company. You do not need to be an MBA to think that it's kind of wise to talk to the head of the company you'll be doing an ad campaign for. Does Jason? No! Not short-sighted, authoritarian, antisocial Jason. He doesn't go through with the meeting because "it's a waste of time." I'm a 28-year-old sportscaster washout who hasn't done one single day of office work his whole life and I know good goddamn well you have to talk to your customer! Thus, his refusal to contact his client may be the difference in two relatively blah strategies, and The Donald -- back when he thought him a sage -- rightly axed him, despite teammate Sam curling up on the floor to take a nap during work.
  
• Mark Curry changes horses just as he's reaching shore, CM: Y: The process of how the contestants survived quiz after quiz while uncovering the mole, to the best of my memory: Curry (he was the Mr. Cooper you hung with back in the day) was pretty much the guy who figured model Angie Everhart was the one, and he didn't figure it out until past the midpoint of the game. Basketball freak of nature Dennis Rodman didn't really figure it was her until it was the three of them left, I think; he was just fastest with the quizzes, in which case if he was tied with someone he'd have a better chance of sticking around because he finished the quiz faster. Anyway, it seemed as if Curry and Rodman were setting their sights on Everhart -- until, for reasons still unbeknownst to me, Curry decided in the final quiz that the Mole had to be Rodman. The two guys weren't in an alliance with each other, so they didn't share information, nor did they try to betray each other with bad intel. You'd think that Curry would see that him picking Everhart with every quiz and him sticking around had something of a cause-and-effect relationship, right? No! Not stupid, addle-brained, unfunny Curry. Rodman, against all odds, won the jackpot. And Mr. Cooper hung himself.
  
• Mark Cuban busts Linda on her cry of poverty, The Benefactor: When you sign up for these reality shows, you basically submit your entire life to exposure on camera, including your home life. So, knowing this important information, you would make sure you wouldn't say anything that would easily be exposed as a lie, right? No! Not poverty-crying, actually affluent Linda, the New Hampshire hockey player. She called herself ghetto, she makes a sob story out of the fact her fiance had to look through every couch in the state to scrounge up the change for a ring, etc. ad nauseum. So, Mark Cuban takes a trip to New England for a routine check. And he finds out that Linda and her loved ones live in a good part of town with all the bling-bling and livin' large one could ask for living in New England. Even Cuban can't turn this one over; he bumps her off in favor of his new best friend forever Dominic and eventual winner Femia.

[jhlipton]

I gotta say that last season, George wasn't much better than Carolyn, if at all. When he said that $10 will make or break a contract regardless of the size of the contract, I lost all respect for him as a businessman.

In the Real World, $10 can get eaten up in 5 minutes.

[Lantern7]

jhlipton...too true. Randy can eat $20 if you give him enough pot. Good times.

Worst Moment: Chapera celebrates Susan's departure, Survivor: All-Stars

To review: during an Immunity Challenge, Richard Hatch grinds his exposed teeny weenie on Susan Hawk. Over time, she goes a little nanners. At the ensuing Rewards Challenge, Susan goes double ballistic with cheese and proceeds to quit the game. It was an ugly moment, made worse by Kathy's shit-eating grin. But she's on Mogo Mogo. So how did several members of Chapera react afterwards? By singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." I swear, the next time anybody gets all giggly over the Ramber overload, they gotta remember Rob getting his kicks like that. Oh, as for Tom's dancing? If Sue were to pull a "Misery" and hobble the hick, I'd have zero problems with that. (Sidenote: Amber didn't go for that, if I recall correctly. At least the kids wouldn't be totally messed up in the head)

Honorable Mention:

Coral Almost Dies: Yes, this is debated on the Challenge forums. Some believe that Coral got bit by a spider. Some think she lied about it and was merely exhausted. But it didn't get as painful as watching supposed best friend Mike yelling at her to get up during the final mission. And after the team lost, Mike and Nathan acted like babies. In retrospect, I understand Nathan's reaction...after all, this was probably the last time he'd ever go for big money.

Jonathan Loses It: I know, I know...which time? This was the big one...he's screaming at Victoria to leave the bags on a mad dash to the Pit Stop, she's screaming and crying and carrying both sets of bags. And for what? First place? Anyway, they lose out to Haydan and Aaron, and he slaps her bag and harangues her. Phil actually got cross enough to tell Jonathan to talk to his wife. Seriously, if there were no cameras, Jonathan would've had an impressing in his face the shape of a Kiwi's fist. Easily the worst TAR moment ever.

This post has been edited by Lantern7: Jan 28, 2005 @ 9:08 pm.

[Senor Audacity]

I don't remember the $10 comment, but I will add that George wasn't totally great. However, frequently in both seasons I much preferred his quiet but sometimes bizarre analysis than Carolyn's self-hating pomposity, no matter how accurate she was.

Sorry but I need to get this out of my system: I have more Dumbass Moments of the Year:

• Rupert's underground hut, S: AS: I have trouble playing with Legos, yet it wouldn't even occur to me that if I needed to build a shelter on a deserted island, I would put it beneath the earth. You already have to build the damn thing, why do you need to add digging to the list of chores? To protect against diving birds? To have the collecting pool of rainwater right next to you so you don't have to get up out of bed?
  
• The Four Horsemen evict Holly, BB5: This is a bit complicated, but the essence is this: These four frat boys (Jase, Scott, Drew and Cowboy) had in their pockets bubble blonde Holly. Their idea was to bat around the Head of Household amongst them and evict the rest. Even in its second week it looked like this plan looked airtight ... until Holly and her helium voice started to annoy the living hell out of them. What does it matter, she's a vote. But Scott, Drew and Cowboy convince Jase to pry Holly's tongue out of his ear and evict her, thinking that Marvin and Diane would be more than happy to get into their in group. That turned into a two-person swing: Adria (or is it Natalie?), the intended evictee, stayed and, because she did, allowed her twin sister, Natalie (or is it Adria?) to enter the game, thus obliterating any plans of this 4-H Club to ride into the sunset together, cheek to cheek.
  
• Camille tries to sabotage Yoanna, ANTM2: The remaining girls were having dinner, or "dinner." Yoanna excuses herself, prompting Tyra Banks to ask is she uses the bathroom during dinner all the time. Camille, with whom Yoanna had a long-running (and seemingly one-sided) feud but did her best to bury the hatchet this ep up until this point, said, "Well," and insinuated something more sinister behind Yoanna's trip to the head. Too bad for her, for all those who saw her attempt to emote on her acting audition earlier in the series, that she couldn't convince anyone that Yoanna had an eating disorder. What really irked me is the face Camille made in attempting to plant this little secret in the other girls' heads: Her gaze made Paris Hilton's stare-off into the distance look like a sniper's focus into his sight. Camille also didn't bank on Mercedes being a goody-too-shoes, for when Yoanna came back (from a cigarette break, turns out), she ratted Camille out. She destroyed any goodwill she had from Yoanna, and besides, even if it did work, how in the hell was it going to help Camille win the contract?

This post has been edited by Senor Audacity: Jan 29, 2005 @ 4:38 pm.

[Senor Audacity]

I'm almost done.

Quote of the Year: You know it is! Colin, already rattled after Chip and Kim Yield him and Christie, pick the Detour whereby they have to ride an ox that will plow up a rope buried in a field. This ox could tell just by looking at him that Colin's a dick (that could just be wishful thinking), so he doesn't do anything productive, or at least anything Colin wants. After trying to order the ox around, he goes ballistic -- ballistic beyond which he has already gone. Say it with me: "My ox is broken! This is bullshit!"

Other Gems And Whoppers:

"You ask Sam what time it is and he tells you how to build a clock."
- Bill (?), where the task where Sam was PM, Apprentice

"That was really offensive to me. I'm a member of the PTA."
- Janice Dickinson, after being told that some of the girls may think she's a bitch, ANTM2

"He lies, he cheats, he pees on stuff..."
- Nakomis, giving her reasons to want to evict Jase, BB5

"Don't be stupid, stupid!"
- Tom, after pulling back a handshake to Boston Rob at final Tribal Council, S: AS

"When I got here off the plane, I was like, wow, I’ve never seen so many black people in my whole entire life, on this island. I was like, wow, this is cool! – Khalilah, it’s not offensive for me to refer to you as a black person, right?"
- Mary, Forever Eden

"My lips are big, but my voice is bigger."
- Fantasia, AI3

"What's vertigo?"
- Brandon, to Nicole, figuring out a Roadblock clue, TAR5

"I nearly dropped my teeth."
- Scout, upon learning that Dolly intended to vote out Leann, S: V

"If karma is a boomerang, I'll see you sooner than later."
- Will, to Adria, upon his eviction, BB5

"I don't know what 'karma' is. I don't know if he meant Karma Electra? I really don't know what the word means."
- Adria, to Natalie, trying to figure out what Will meant, BB5

"I would have at least liked my own cab."
- Wes, about sharing the backseat with the also-fired Maria, A2

"He was lustin'!"
- Robin, about posing with running back Clinton Portis, America's Next Top Model (this is from the first cycle which was first shown in 2003, but I forgot to include it for the 2004 RTA's, and I think that UPN's rerunning it this past summer provides me the loophole to sneak it in this year. Forgive me!)

"If I won $222,000 ... state tax ... government tax ... wife ... ex-wife ... Five kids. ... How would I feel? Broke."
- Dennis Rodman, CM: Y

[Lantern7]

I gotta agree with Colin winning...and I forgot about Rodman's end-of-ep quote. The only quote from my seemingly endless viewing of cable shows is this gem from Coral, after she learned that Julie challenged her to wrestle: "I don't wrestle! I fuckin' beat bitches up!"

Best Fight: Katie vs. Veronica, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno

The two had gone at it in The Gauntlet, but this was special. At this point, Veronica and the rest of the Road Rules team had tried to get Katie booted, since she sucked in missions. One night, Katie completely loses it, going triple psycho on Veronica, screamin for her to "hold your tits, you stupid bitch!" (Vero was topless at the time). Katie kept going more and more bugfuck, to the point where you can see Mike and Syrus dying of laughter in the background. The coup de gras from Katie: "YOU ARE A SHORT! SCRAWNY! ACNE-FACED LITTLE [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]! AND YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF!" She came dangerously close to ripping into the one she called "Vernatula," but Mike ended up working his way between the girls and dragged Katie off to another room. It was a rare BMP moment...something that had teased us at the start of the season actually living up to the hype.

[Senor Audacity]

Funniest Moment of the Year: Chapera's presentation of an Tribal Council, S: AS

This was in the clip show, I believe, so it might stand out in my mind for that reason. The members of that tribe got the idea to lampoon the survivors from the other tribes in a mock TC. These guys were surprsingly witty and spot-on with their impressions, particularly an Amber showing off some personality by mocking Tina's southern drawl. A moment of levity during lighter times early in the show's run.

Other Laugh-Your-Ass-Off Moments:

• The acting exercise, ANTM2: I've always heard that when you isolate a group of women who don't know each other, the biological signals they give one another do strange things to them. If this scene is any indication, that theory must be true. The girls head off to a studio where the acting coach pairs them up. One of the girls is supposed to tell the other about her fears, regrets, what makes them angry, etc. to her partner, and the partner is supposed to repeat them back to her in a calm voice. They get into it: This is the point where you see this season's model wannabes' motivations and histories that make them what to be on this show. And yet it amplifies, figuratively and literally, how every one was in a state of extreme fragility, since you see every one of these girls cry their asses off. Faces were red, cheeks wet with tears -- hell, Shandi had snot coming out of her nose. You wanted to feel bad, but you couldn't help but laugh at them. But here's the kicker: Camille didn't come in till later because she had to go to the doctor. So you see these girls in all stages of weeping in front of the acting coach ... and then, from off the screen, you see Camille walk in like nothing happened. She couldn't make a facial expression if you put a gun to her head, but you had to feel for her thinking, "What the fuck just happened here?"
  
• The challenge with the paint gun, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss: They used a snippet of this on their promo blitz, and it lived up to its hype. The two teams were told to perform menial office duties in this obstacle course while boss N. Paul Todd shoots them with a paint gun. Totally weird, and I loved it when one of the guys screamed, "Paper jam!" as they were getting pelted.
  
• Triumph's impromptu roast, Last Comic Standing 3: Underappreciated genius Robert Smigel dons his Late Night With Conan O'Brien canine alter ego sock puppet and trashes every comic contestant -- as well as host Jay Mohr -- in the theater, in the process showing everyone how much funnier he is than everybody else put together.
  
• The Tequila Shooters Game, CM: Y: The celebrities still in the game had to balance a plate of mimosas while walking across a beam above a pool. Meanwhile, the eliminated celebrities got to throw balls at them in an attempt to knock them into the drink. Fulfills a person's base craving to see other people get hit, especially in the face and head, by flying projectiles.

[scarletsmith]

Bonehead Moment Of The Year: Survivor: Vanuatu's Dolly declaring herself the "swing vote" in front of Tribal Council moments before she gets voted out. Does no one on this show ever watch past seasons? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Runner-Up: TAR6's Avi and Joe choose not to follow Gus and Hera at the Blue Lagoon. G&H had already told A&J that the Pit Stop wasn't on that side of the lagoon, but instead of watching them for a moment to see if they really leave, A&J assume G&H are faking them out and go looking for the Pit Stop on that side of the lagoon. If they'd just followed G&H, they could likely have won a footrace to the Amazing Bathmat. Because they didn't, they were Philiminated.

[ptmeister]

Would Missy Elliot count as 2004? I love this show! Is it getting good buzz from the bizz people?

[Senor Audacity]

No, because Road To Stardom started this year. But darn it, I like the show, too, and so it'll certainly be around for the 2005 awards, I guarantee!

This should be pretty much it. Everything else I could remember worth noting -- I can't think of a better name than "Other Stuff" -- I'm putting down here. What I write now and either tomorrow or Friday should be it, barring suggestions or comments from you guys.

Thanks to all who, by clicking on this thread from time to time, tolerated my establishing this fiefdom in order to satisfy my indulgences regarding reality TV. And a special thanks for all those who posted back; your expertise and opinions usually surpassed mine, and for that you've made me a better and much more informed viewer.

Best Headwear: Where can I get those maple leaf hats when the remaining three teams from TAR5 hit Canada? In a similar vein, I've got a soccer hat that my sister and mom brought home from Holland when they were in Europe for Euro 2000, and now I have a collection that should be perfect for raves ... if people still host raves.

What's Worse?: Tyra Banks's music video, where she tries to be a dance diva (topped off by her licking a microphone -- am I supposed to imagine that mic is my penis?), or Tyra's rap when she tells the girls they're going to Milan?

Best Title Sequence (Or, I Need To Funnel Some Recognition To): The Player. Nifty animation cels of silhouettes when, upon zoom, show the head shots of each of the "players." Cute music too. Just edges out The Apprentice, even though the O'Jays will always be cool.

They're Ass Men: Both Boston Rob (S: AS) and Marvin (BB5) made passing references to a female competitor's posterior, the former about Amber, the latter about Adria while she was exercising.

But She's A Breast Girl: Ivana (A2) seemed to really rag on Jennifer M.'s implants. I couldn't tell if hers are fake. What do you guys think?

Then Again, She Could Be An Ass Girl: Ivana completes the ruination of her credibility by dropping trou and showing some guy what's underneath her skirt in order to get him to buy candy bars. For one's information: It was fully covering white undies. Also for one's information: You'd have to show your bare butt, at the very least, for $20 if it were a strip club.

And Peeing In Front Of People="Where's The Closest Bathroom?": Nicole throwing to the ground the balance of the fare the taxi driver wouldn't stop hounding her and Brandon about seems to be Ugly American for "Fine, here's your goddamn money" ... until I realized that I've thrown money at people for what I thought was inferior service as well. But only here in the States. I guess that makes me an Ugly American in America.

The Heretofore Underestimated Power Of Childhood Oaths: On BB5, the members of an alliance were bound together by a pinky swear. Nakomis, in particular, was adamant about its enforcement like it was a frickin' contract. And on S: V, the members of the jury crucify poor Twila for swearing on her son's life. Of all the reasons to be self-righteous in your hate for the last two in Final Tribal Council, some stupid off-the-cuff remark you know you would do yourself is the justification you home in on?

And I'm Sorry, But: How in the hell did Chris, the guy who lost the very first fucking Immunity Challenge for Lopevi because he couldn't cross a balance beam, wind up winning the entire damn thing. Hopefully this new twist for Survivor: Pulau's first ep may rectify such a thing.

Craftiest Move: Think about the word "apprentice." After seeing what these well-educated, successful young men and women are put through (last week's motel reservation task being a prime example), the arrogance of Donald Trump and this show, while at times absurd, is awe-inspiring in this respect: These guys put up with it and ask for more. And for what? To be an "apprentice." To go through all this bullshit just to earn the "right" of groveling at The Hair's feet and snarf up every crumb of wisdom he may let drop to the floor. Best instance of that: George being away. I don't think George is on business when he isn't there to observe the teams. He could be playing 36 holes of golf or masturbating in his apartment for all I know. But I think either Trump or Mark Burnett want him to "be away" so all the minions will drop their jaws and go, "Wow, Mr. Trump really is a busy man. I mean, I wish George were around, but he's got more important business to deal with than to watch us fuck up." Smart way to keep your underlings in place. Is that in any of Trump's books?

[Senor Audacity]

OK, I lied. I have so much shit to say I've decided that this is the penultimate, not ultimate post of RTA's. Please forgive me, powers that be, I will be done by Sunday, if not sooner.

Here's some more:

On Second Thought, This Is The Smartest Move: Having every teammate in TAR6 do a maximum of six Roadblocks. Prevents unbalanced heavy lifting that helped Chip and Kim stay in the game.

Most Idiotic Wig-Out: When Ryan R. was denied not just one of the original allottment of six roses but a Meredith-requested seventh, he flipped out on camera because he didn't get any alone time with "Merdi." Well, after snapping you definitely ain't gonna get alone time now.

You Have Your Red States And Your Blue States ...: ... And you have Maria and Sam's stare-down after being fired.

The Real Reason Andy Got Fired On A2: He's young, he just got out of college, his body is still changing ... what really made him make crazy decisions like giving his team money but depriving them of pizza? He got hopped-up on too much Pepsi Edge.

But Do They Keep Away Evil Spirits?: In the second episode of ANTM2, both Janice Dickinson and J. Alexander get up on the table, drop on all fours and demonstrate the right way one of the models should have done her pose. It looked like two gargoyles you see guarding the front door of a Greek-style building.

Worst Trend: Contestant bloat. Both S: AS and ANTM3 added extra contestants for their seasons. Now it takes us even more time to figure who the heck is who, and this added "material," and the subsequent sudden elimination is the only thing they've thought up when it comes to "mixing things up."

Worst Trend On A Reunion Show: Proposing. Rob, Colin -- reality famewhore like you have already gotten on one knee. It's not special anymore. And for Buddha's sake, we know it's not gonna last!

Best Trend: Cameos by actual celebrities. And not just guest judges. Go back to superstar Elton John on World Idol. Then you have all those guys during the charity episode of The Apprentice and baseball player Mike Piazza on A2, Denise Richards and Billy Zane (they appear in movies, at least) on Next Action Star and, finally, the underappreciated Taye Diggs helping out an audition in ANTM3. Was 2004 the year reality series went legit?

Girl Who Wasn't There: Nicole, from ANTM3, so anonymous (despite her resemblance to Carla Gugino) that the judges forgot to evaluate her on the show where she got axed.

Wrong Show: After Sue snapped and left the game, I was hoping for her to rein hellfire, or at least file suit, on either Richard Hatch, Jeff Probst, or the show. Instead, the next day she and Hatch appeared together on The CBS Early Show, burying the hatchet. And then on the reunion show she was all smiles because Extra felt sorry for her and felt that an extreme makeover was the way to best way to get rid of those sexual assault blues. I'm shocked that the show took this incident so lightly. Even if she's decided she's OK with it, Burnett, Probst et al. still bear a lot of responsibilty for letting it get even too far. But I don't think they get it.

Most Amazing Reputation Rehabilitation/An Instance Where Everybody Should Be Ashamed Of Themselves: Also on S: AS's reunion ep, Jerri, who actually did a good job keeping her emotions in check and got ushered out of the game only because of Lex's gut, had what I thought were fairly cogent thoughts on reality celebrity, but the invited-only peanut gallery shouted her down because in their minds she's still "the bitch." So I don't mind one bit that she left the stage because she was being victimized by people who didn't have the intellectual capacity to understand they were doing the exact same thing she was talking about. And Just Peachy was no better: He subtracted by one the number of Survivors that could vie for the fans' million, and then, in an audacious bit of grandstanding, he pointedly called her out (without mentioning her by name) on the next reunion episode for implying the producers made her show up on the show. He lets Hatch freak on Sue yet lays into Manthey because she was getting heckled? You suck, Jeff, and those people suck even more.

Board Game Of The Year: Anybody for some ... Jenga? (The Benefactor)

Worst Headwear: A tie -- Jase's (BB5) do-rag ... and Donald Trump's hair.

Most Worthless Competition: Japanese tea ceremony, ANTM3. Not to demean the deep history of this sacred practice, but this was like watching paint dry. Unfunny, disorganized paint. And when do girls need to know how to serve tea in order to model?

This post has been edited by Senor Audacity: Feb 4, 2005 @ 2:59 pm.

[Senor Audacity]

Last one:

No, No, No -- On Third Thought, This Is The Smartest Move: You have to give it up for Bachelor: Jesse on this part: Having your best friend's wife pose as a suitor to spy on the other girls was a sneaky but necessary move. Even for a third-stringer from a university (Florida) not known for preparing QB's for the NFL, you'd have floozies hangin' on your jock for years after you've moved on to the Canadian Football League (see Trish).

Best Cameo: I've already listed some actors, but although he can be agitating to some people, I think AI3 landing Quentin Tarantino and his mind on meth as a guest judge for Soundtrack Night was the bees' knees. Runner-Up: Nick, best friend of Bachelor Jesse and husband to the spy, Jenny, so refreshing in explaining why he wasn't going to tell Palmer which of the remaining two he preferred (paraphrasing): "What if you choose the other one? What am I going to say to her when I see her? 'Hey, Second Choice, how ya doin'?'"

Strangest Cameo: Chef Juliano, NAS. One look of his dishes -- made entirely from uncooked ingredients, his specialty -- would have made your stomach turn if his fashion disaster of a style (dreads, too-short shirts, Velcro pants) didn't make you puke first. S/He even had a high voice, which makes me wonder if Shandi's boyfriend knows how to cook.

Put Up Or Shut Up: And shut up, Sam (Apprentice) and Chris (A2).

The One Thing That Would Improve Relations Among Contestants: Name tags! The misspelling of names when Survivors write names is an expected running joke, but Jesse looked like a helmeted fool when he called one of his selected women "Katie" instead of "Karen."

Guy Who Got Screwed: Dan Naturman, from LCS2. I've seen this comic on talk shows, and he's funny. And he was worthy of a finalist spot when he got passed over for other comics who didn't seem to be up to snuff -- in particular, Ant, the gay comic who appeared in the first season. Judges Drew Carey and Brett Butler denied knowledge of the full nature of their roles, and in a non-explanation explanation, the powers that be said that other evaluators were at work deciding the final ten. For all those who were in an uproar over the call-in procedures of AI3, this was the real voting conspiracy.

Top Ten Ways To Misspell "Nakomis":
10. Nokomis (as in Lake Nokomis)
9. Nicodemus
8. Nostradamus
7. Nicoderm CQ
6. Nokia
5. Knick-knack-paddy-whack
4. Nyuk-Nyuk!
3. Gnocchi
2. Jennifer
1. What the fuck kind of a name is Nakomis?!
(Thanks, guys, these names came from you!)

Best CM: Y Game: Another tie. In Still Life, Mark Curry had to describe three pieces of art via walkie-talkie to three of the contestants who had to paint them. Dennis Rodman then needed to match up these new "masterpieces" to their originals. A usual Mole-like Telephone game with wit and the usual confusion. And for sheer weirdness, there was the Wrestler Mariachi Maze. Runners led by their navigator teammates had to go through a maze whilst dodging Mexican wrestlers replete with masks and capes. Oh yeah, and there's a mariachi band that plays the "Mexican Hat Dance" whenever they see the runner. Yeah, I know, it's weird. But it's The Mole, dammit, and they needed more of this this season.

Greatest Disconnect Between The Mainstream Media And TWOP Nation: For the second year in a row ... Rupert! And now he's got a million bucks!

Meanwhile ...: Where has all the Rudy love gone? From lovable to broken down?

Lookalikes Of The Year: I already mentioned Nicole from ANTM3, and everybody knows of John Stevens IV (AI3). Silver medal goes to Lance Bachmann (brother Confidant/dickhead of teacher Fred), who bears a disquiting resemblance to Cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel Live. But, did you know that Ian's (Bachelorette: Meredith) brother Eric looks just like Peter Murphy, former lead singer of Bauhaus? Cuts you up, don't it?

RIP: Carla Morasca.

Luckiest Bastard Of The Year: One mangled Ricky Martin cover, one synchornized clockwise swinging of the arms, one Cal student eager to exploit his fresh-off-the-boat persona: William Hung may just outlive Fantasia, for shit's sake, as the person from AI3 to have a career. I just hope to hear his take on "Rocket Man" one more time, just to hear him (try to) hit the high notes.

And Finally: He be Real Estate King of New York, he may have all the Eastern European women he wants, he could be maven of all reality TV, but I'm at least heartened to see that Donald Trump didn't know what an "F-bomb" was.

[Senor Audacity]

The year 2005 in reality television started off with a flop (The Will) and ended with a thud (Apprentice: Martha), and few returning shows inbetween lived up, or down, to expectations. Donald Trump stopped listening to the voice inside his hair and mostly reasserted his authority in both additions of his Apprentice. Both “cycles” of America’s Next Top Model kept the wacky bourgeoisie hijinks while inviting girls who actually look like they grew out of clothing sold in Zutopia. Most shocking of all, a certain pet favorite of the TWoP crowd struck out, unleashing not one, not two, but three lackluster editions of the greatest active competitive reality show ever.

Still, it’s a nice surprise to conclude that an almost-fully grown genre still can hatch new and exciting ideas. One of the two trends for Reality TV this year is the emphasis on talent and creativity. No longer were contestants rewarded for showing up and being yourself, or racing around the world faster than everybody else or “playing the game.” There was a demand to come up with something of worth, demonstrations proving to viewers that you are capable of providing something other than a ripped body and a strategy (corollary to this: the proliferation of shows that have a job as a reward). Within that niche, many of the players were pretty damn good at what they did, whether it was home decorating, cooking or freestyle rap. It is through this vein that the Best Show of the Year comes from.

The other trend is either pathetic or logical, depending on your point of view: the ubiquity of the quasi-celebrity. Many well-known people now see Reality TV either as a transition to media ventures on the business end of the camera (note that most of these quasi-celebs act as executive producer/overlord of their shows) or a quick and easy way to make a buck and stay in the spotlight till the next acting gig. The singing and dancing hoops they jump through for our enjoyment may make you shake your head, but this says a lot about the democratizing effect of reality television. Once a means for ordinary people to elevate themselves into pop culture consciousness, it’s now a safety net for used-to-be and almost-were stars to extend their fame on screen a few more minutes. The definition of what it takes to be a celebrity blurs with each new show.

Anyway, these are just takes on what are the best and worst of shows, people, moments and other stuff. These Reality Television Awards, or RTA’s (“Ritas” for short) ain’t gospel, so if you have your own picks, please, share ‘em! At the very least, I hope one of these “awards” gets your memory jogging to that time you snarked up a giggle or gasped in a “oh no he (or she) didn’t” way at a twist you didn’t see coming. Hope you enjoy this year's edition.

Best Show of the Year: Project Runway

Good shows will find their audience, and credit Bravo for shoving this uncovered gem down our throats until we finally watched. Quite simply, this was the best of the “talent competitions,” a CR show that combined the cutthroat nature and personality clashes that are the hallmark of reality TV with the highest amount of contestant creativity and resourcefulness. The best part of PR is that you really wanted to see what these designers could come up with given the rules for each week’s challenge – and more often than not, they did a bang-up job. Combine that with insightful critique from the judges, and you got a compelling, breathless series that gives you people to root for and against, as well as a spiffy introduction to the high-stakes world of fashion. You’re in!

Runners-Up:

• Beauty and the Geek: Another reality show whose positive outlook is its brightest quality. These smart-but-ugly guys and beautiful-but-stupid girls would never, ever cross paths in real life, and it’s to the genius of Ashton Kutcher of all people to ask why the hell that has to be the case. The ensuing couplings of brains and beauty hit it off swimmingly, and they actually find out that not only does the other person have qualities to admire, they have those same qualities in themselves.
  
• Survivor: Palau: Mark Burnett’s mother ship rode high this year. Not since Pearl Islands – or maybe even the original – has this edition served up engaging contestants with memorable gameplay. All thanks to eventual winner Tom Westman, a man as integral to the success of his season as Johnny Fairplay was to PI or Richard Hatch was to Pulau Tiga.
  
• Dancing With the Stars: Summer was the season for reality, and its most successful showcase was this cheesefest masquerading as highbrow, PBS entertainment. Like Project Runway, this was a rollercoaster of a show that somehow manages to give interested viewers a peek into a hobby some of us wanted to take up but never had the time to. It borrowed a page from American Idol and exploited the life-and-death debate from the viewing audience to whip up massive buzz. And it introduced such low-lying media figures as a Playboy Playmate-turned-soap star, an ex-New Kid on the Block, and J. Peterman in a different, winning light.
  
• The Road To Stardom With Missy Elliott: It was high time for a reality show to mine talent in the world of hip-hop and R&B, and this show, though it somewhat sagged near the end, proved there are a lot of prospects that deserve a shot. The weekly challenges were inventive and at times dramatic, the episodes were well-produced and edited, and Miss Misdemeanor herself played the perfect cameo role – with a graceful assist from her sweet tooth.

This post has been edited by Senor Audacity: Jan 5, 2006 @ 4:39 pm.

[Lantern7]

As always, I'm contributing to this. I got cable, and that usually puts me one up on Mr. Audacity. But I see he loves Project Runway, and that was on Bravo...so I guess we're on even ground now.

My Show of the Year: Survivor: Palau

I don't get it...normally, I hate bullies. But when you see people get their asses kicked by Tom and Ian every week, it's not that painful to watch. Mark Burnett made up for the sins of media whores (Pearl Islands, All-Stars) and the boring (Vanuatu, except for Twila and Chad), bringing us genuinely interesting people into the mix, two of whom ended up getting invited back. From misfits Angie and Ibreheim to hardcore players like Stephenie and Bobby Jon to the tag-team of Tom & Ian, Palau makes the case for being the best season ever.

Runner-Up: Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II Okay, so most of the cast needed to be slapped hard at one point or another. But after the disaster that was Battle of the Sexes 2, the production team stepped up, giving us missions without the gross-out factor, and Infernos far better than the first edition. We cheered when Tonya took out Julie, groaned when Brad got beat down by Abram, and cringed as the Bad Ass team jeered Jodi after she got taken out by Veronica. Even more impressive was a rapdily-decimated Good Guys team managing to hold its own, winning the final mission despite a four-person disadvantage.

This post has been edited by Lantern7: Jan 5, 2006 @ 5:08 pm.

[watcha]

It's mostly a forgotten show by January, but my best reality show goes to Big Brother. Everything about it was mouth-frothingly DELICIOUS: fights requiring producer intervention, a tiny penis-shaped hothead steroid by-product, anti-Muslim comments (Allah will smite you, IVETTE), accusations of sexual harrassment, a spicy latina that nobody loved, good vs. evil, the biggest perv to ever perv but still managed to win the viewers' hearts, retarded games, awesome games, awesome moves in a chess-based game that didn't really resemble chess, a host who has had six seasons of experience being awesomely awkward, heart-stopping live moments, constant power shifts, a revelation involving the title of "Blowjob Queen", the development of a cult in front of our very own eyes led by a ginormous mind-fucker who never believed that she was fucking with people's minds, a supposed incident of a gay guy being told to whore himself to the straight perv for power, genius moves and strategies, horrible "where did it all go wrong?" moments of dumb strategies involving such actions as pushing or letting go of a button, delusions of righteousness fostered by three months of isolation from the rest of the world, good vs. evil, crybabies, super-awesome quotes like "Bye bye, bitches!", "Did Britney have her baby yet?", and "Whore! Whore! Whore!" from a dumb blonde who wasn't, the oldest-looking youngish shrill harpy who made people feel her tail, a catchy third-grade-level song (Busto, Busto, Busto!), pee-pee peeking, and light saber fights. Ahhh, I need a cigarette.