» Lines that will never be said on Smallville Options

[Prospero]

I know that's crazy and lame, but I couldn't resist posting it. Inspired by this.

***

A couple weeks after the events of "Sleeper":

Clark is sitting in the kitchen with Kara. Somebody knocks.

Jimmy [coming in]: Hi guys!
Clark: Thanks goodness it's you! Chloe went to do some dangerous illegal job for me and I couldn't contact her ever since. Have you seen her?
Jimmy: Um... No. I didn't see her at all. By the way, I, uh, found this big envelope near your door.
Clark: Probably from Jor-El - he keeps inviting me to come over and watch baseball together. Pathetic asshole.
Jimmy: Who is Jor-El?
Kara: Look, Jimmy, I've got a camera in my cell phone!
Jimmy: Oooooh, sexy!

[Clark opens the package]
Clark: There is a DVD here. This can't be good.
Kara: Let's see what's on it.

Video starts. We see Chloe with a guitar. She is standing in the middle of a nicely decorated room, wearing a white shirt with long sleeves. Chloe looks at the camera.

Chloe: Hi, Clark. You're probably wondering where I am right now. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm sorry I didn't return any of your calls. Oh. Wait. I'm not. If that's okay for you and Lana not to return my calls, I guess it's okay for me too. By the way, I hope Lana feels better. I put a nut in her mouth last time I was in Belle Reve. Check if she ate it - if yes, than the bitch is faking it all.
Clark: What the...
Chloe: Sorry, I think I'm getting a little off-topic. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and um, I’ve been needing to tell you something. I don’t know why I haven’t but it’s important, I mean we’ve been together for so long, over 7 years, and I still haven’t told you and it’s just not right, so here it goes...
I'M FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!

[camera moves to the right, revealing a ginormous bed with half-naked Lex lying there]

Lex [smiling]: She's fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: I know it's shocking but it's true.

Chloe: I'm fucking Lex Luthor
Lex: She's fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: I'm not imagining it's you. [Lex: Me too!]

LL: On the bed, on the floor,
On that carpet by the door,
In the CoCK, in my car,
Up against the mini-bar!

CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor!
LL: She's fucking Lex Luthor
CS: While you're moping over Lana

CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor
LL: She said she's fucking Lex Luthor
CS: I bet you wanna join the fun, huh?

CS: Hey, Clarkie, don't take it bad
Remember all the good times we had,
Like the time we went skinny-dipping
And we had a lot of fun
Then you got so turned on
That you vaporized the lake!

MaybeMercy [wearing Playboy Bunny costume]: Knock-knock
LL & Chloe: Who is knocking at our door?
MaybeMercy: Loyal minion is here!
LL: Come inside and bring us beer!
CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor!
M!M: She's fucking Lex Luthor!

LL: She's fucking Lex Luthor!
CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor
LL: And we both know she won't stop

CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor!
LL: She's fucking Lex Luthor
CS: Just ask the people at TWoP!

M!M: In the pool
LL: In the car
CS: Up against the mini-bar
LL: Fucking here
CS: Fucking there
M!M: They are fucking everywhere!

In chorus: SHE'S FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!

[music stops]

Chloe: Do you think I was clear enough?
Lex: I don't know. It's Clark Kent we're talking about.
Chloe: So my song was bad?
Lex: Not at all, sweetheart. Maybe you just needed to be more visual.
Chloe: You think?
Lex: Yes. Now take this shirt off and go fuck Lex Luthor. James, come closer.

Chloe and Lex start kissing.

***

Clark [pausing the video]: Oh my God. Did they really fuck in the CoCK?
Kara: What the hell is the CoCK? Why is Chloe with Lex? Who is James who filmed this stuff?
Jimmy: I think I have to go.
Kara: You won't even help us a little here?
Jimmy: Um, I think I need some time to get over the stress. Chloe was my girlfriend after all.
Kara: I thought I was your girlfriend.
Jimmy: I didn't call you for two weeks - it means I ended things with you. This is my way of ending things, girl.

[Jimmy's cell phone rings]

Jimmy: Yes, sir. Yes. Yes, I delivered it. What? Wait, you said we were even! No, you didn't say "for today"! Another video? I don't want to do it again! Oh. Yes, sir. Tomorrow, sir? A lot of water, an umbrella and Rihanna's album? Okay, sir. I'll be there.
Clark: Was it Lex you were talking with?
Jimmy: Of course not. Lex hates me.
Kara: I don't understand anything.
Clark: I guess we should just watch it again.
Kara: I think we have to.

This post has been edited by Prospero: Apr 9, 2008 @ 3:15 am.

[Eurybia]

CS: I'm fucking Lex Luthor!
LL: She's fucking Lex Luthor
CS: Just ask the people at TWoP!

Yeah, she is! Prospero... That was genius. I wish Jimmy would deliver it to my door!

[CantThinkUpName]

A couple of hours After Veritas, Kent house

Clark: So...
Chloe: Yeah...
Clark: Want to know what was awkward? When the attendant asked if I wanted to commit you.
Chloe: I bitch slapped her awhile back. I bitch slapped her hard.
Clark: That's my girl. Say...why did you rush into the room I was in with Lana.
Chloe: Err...I was looking for the bathroom. I really had to go. That's why I was crying.
Clark *looking mopey*: Kara gone, Lana's insane and we forgot to stop for lunch. This is a shitty day.
Chloe: Damn it! That's right, I even know a good place in Smallville, Metropolis or some place between Smallville and Metropolis that hospital is in. Have you told Lex yet?
Clark: About what?
Chloe: That his ex-wife is now a vegetable.
Clark: No...how do you think he'll take it.
Chloe: Knowing Lex...not well. Can I break it to him at the Daily Planet? It would so piss him off.
Clark: Only I can tell Lois and Jimmy that the cow costume they're wearing to spy on us isn't fooling anyone.

[Bkwurm]

Clark: Only I can tell Lois and Jimmy that the cow costume they're wearing to spy on us isn't fooling anyone.

ROTFL!!! Those two had better be careful. The other cows have been very lonely since Bo left them.

[Prospero]

ROTFL!!! Those two had better be careful. The other cows have been very lonely since Bo left them.

The "not fooling anyone" part must include cows. There is no way they can be dumber than Lois and Jimmy.

[furrylump]

Prospero, that was wonderful. I would totally watch it on Utube every day if that happened.

The next two are supposed to be Veritas, right after the bit where Clark finds Lana. For the second one, I made Brainiac kind of Spike-ish.

Clark: You made Lana’s eyes go cloudy!
Brainiac: Uh, yeah. Notice anything else off about her?
Clark: She can write without looking down.
Brainiac: Yes, that too. But those are mere side effects of something larger I did.
Clark: Fell in love with her?
Brainiac: *shudders* Definetly not.
Clark: Well, I am kind of paranoid about that after Zod, Bizarro, Lex, Jason, Adam, me, and approximately half of Smallville.
Brainiac: Fair enough. But haven’t you noticed a lack of facial expressions, or a certain zombie-like charm?
Clark: *shrugs* No more than usual.
Brainiac: Come on, mollusc. Isn’t there anything different?
Clark: Well, she hasn’t been passive-aggressively bitching me out as much, and I haven’t had to rescue her for several whole hours.
Brainiac: Amazing.
Clark: So, you made her nicer and more capable?
Brainiac: Apparently.
Clark: Gee, thanks! It seems I misjudged you. Sorry about throwing you through a wall before. I thought you were evil.
Brainiac: Ah, that’s okay. And sorry about trying to bring Zod back a couple of years ago. I thought he wasn’t evil.
Clark: We all make mistakes.
Brainiac: Now, I have an idea on how to restore Krypton, and I need Kara’s help.
Clark: Whatever you need. I’ll just go tell her now. See you later!
*Clark zips off*
Brainiac: Well, that worked out even better than planned.

Clark: You made Lana braindead!
Brainiac: Damn straight. Impressively allegorical, is it not?
Clark: If you wanted Kara you should have taken it up with me, not involved other people. Except her, I guess. I’m confused.
Brainiac: Good lord, mollusc, did you actually think it had anything to do with me wanting Kara?
Clark: Well, yeah…
Brainiac: Nah. Bitch just irritaited me, so I took her out, ‘cause that’s how I roll. Then I felt like some boiled eggs. Not my fault if she’s too dumb to wear oven mitts.
Clark: Yes it is, you made her that way!
Brainiac: Eh, petty details.
Clark: Wait, you can eat?
Brainiac: Yeah, kinda. Guy who built me loved Terminator II, so he ripped it off when making me.
Clark: How did Dax-Ur see Terminator II?
Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.
Clark: *doesn’t get it* Poor ET. So how do you eat again?
Brainiac: I stick my liquid metal sword arm into whatever I want to eat or drink, and it just sucks all the nutrients and tasty stuff out of it. You should see sausages after I’m done with ‘em, man. They’re all shrivelled and tiny and gross, but so nice to eat.
Clark: I know exactly what you mean. Can you unbraindead Lana?
Brainiac: No.
Clark: Okay. Wanna go have some beers?
Brainiac: Only if they’re followed by sausages, mate.
Clark: Sounds excellent, my friend.

*Six weeks after Brainiac made Lana braindead*
Kara: Clark, do you think Lana’s acting a little weird?
Clark: Well, she’s giving us both the silent treatment, and she seems to be spending a lot of time boiling water.
*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don't think something's wrong, do you?

[Prospero]

Brainiac: Whenever a Kryptonian would visit earth, they would bring back a bunch of movies and make a fortune pirating them. Except for ET. Wussiest non-human ever. *looks at Clark* Second wussiest.

LMAO. That is exactly what I needed after a two-hour-long exam on political science. Thanks, furrylump, you made the rest of my day!

*They walk past the kitchen, where Lana stands boiling the water, covered in a fine layer of mould*
Clark: You don't think something's wrong, do you?

Stupid Goughlar. They could make a lot of money making on-demand videos like this one for cell phones. 'Cos I'd pay anything to see this.

[BabyDee]

Chloe: I'M FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!

[camera moves to the right, revealing a ginormous bed with half-naked Lex lying there]

Lex [smiling]: She's fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: I know it's shocking but it's true.

Chloe: I'm fucking Lex Luthor
Lex: She's fucking Lex Luthor!
Chloe: I'm not imagining it's you. [Lex: Me too!]

LL: On the bed, on the floor,
On that carpet by the door,
In the CoCK, in my car,
Up against the mini-bar!

Prospero, you are amazing! Is there anyone we can talk to to make sure this vid gets made? And that Lex wears a leopard-print thong while he's at it?

This post has been edited by BabyDee: Apr 13, 2008 @ 5:32 am.

[Digizane20]

MM: Why didn’t anyone think to try and get me a spin-off?


Lana: Secrets and lies!

Brainiac: How can anyone stand that?!?! *Stabs Lana straight through the head correctly and she dies.* Much better. Wait a minute. Does this make me a hero or am I still a villain?


Clark: I’m finally ready to fulfill my destiny. No, really. I mean it this time. Honest. Why is everyone laughing at me or rolling their eyes?


Chloe: Wow! Turns out I’m the long lost little sister of the Winchester brothers. See ya, Clark! I’m going to go have adventures with them.


Audience/characters: WTF? That makes no sense! It’s impossible! How could that happen?

*Random drunken lunatic stumbles onto the scene and babbles incoherently.*

AlMiles: See! We explained all that! (No one explains shit on this show.)


Clark, barging into Lex’s study, unannounced as usual,: LEX!

Lex: Clark, glad you dropped by. It’ll save me from having to mail these.

*Clark reads documents handed to him*: What?! You’re suing me for harassment, trespassing, vandalism and any crimes toward you that I committed in the past?

Lex: Yep. See you in court.


Jor-El AI/Kara/MM: Now, I’m going to tell you everything about Krypton, its people and history. (I’d probably die from shock if that actually did happen.)


Ollie: AC, Bart, Cyborg, Dinah, no need to change out of your costumes. Surprise, I signed us up for some fun. We’re all going to sing Karaoke!


Lex: Screw Clark’s and Smallville’s secrets. I have a multi billion dollar business to run!


*Lex laughs while watching video footage of the Justice League blowing up his facilities.*

MaybeMercy: Sir, what’s so funny? I thought this would be bad news.

Lex: True, however, I leaked a bunch of rumors so GA and his terrorists would blow those facilities up. Those buildings are completely empty. Insurance for arson damage awards me triple what I paid though. I’m actually getting richer because of them.


*Minion pulls gun on Lex*: I’d like to renegotiate our contract.

Lex: No problem. You’re fired. *Presses button on watch. Suddenly traitorous minion clutches his chest and looks to be having a seizure. Lex kicks the dropped gun away.*

Minion: What’s happening? What’d you do to me?

Lex: Oh nothing much. I spiked your drinks with microscopic Nanobots. They’re currently attached to your white blood cells and will kill you in a few minutes. Sorry, I must have failed to mention that before now. Here, let me ease the pain. *Lex shoots him dead.*


*Lex works at desk when phone rings which he puts on speaker.*
Mr. Luthor, this is the head of your security personal. We apprehended some suspicious intruders sneaking around the premises a few minutes ago. We then transported them to a secure location for interrogation. Everything is now under control once again.

This post has been edited by Digizane20: Apr 14, 2008 @ 3:01 pm.

[furrylump]

Theft!

Lana: Secrets and lies!

Brainiac: How can anyone stand that?!?! *Stabs Lana straight through the head correctly and she dies.* Much better. Wait a minute. Does this make me a hero or am I still a villain?

Dexter: *walks up* Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Call me when you decide, I need to know whether I'm supposed to kill you or not.

[Adela1985]

From Descent:

Lois: Me and Chloe. We share the same DNA.

Jmmy: (under breathe) Too bad not the same brain cells.

[CantThinkUpName]

Lois: I don't want to work on this case anymore. Let's do shots.
Jimmy: We can win a Pulitzer.
Lois: A Pulitzer! Let's rock.
Jimmy: Shouldn't you not care about Pulitzers and things like that. I mean you're Lois Lane. You should be concerned with justice, not accolades.
Lois: Oh James, you don't get me at all. This is just a stepping stone. Next up, local weather girl. Then, national weather girl. Then rehab. Then Surreal Life. Then Lifetime Movies. Then Lifetime Movie Channel Movies. Then rehab! And it's because I have the name! I deserve it all!! Bwhahahaahahahah.

[Omega II]

Lois: Oh James, you don't get me at all. This is just a stepping stone. Next up, local weather girl. Then, national weather girl. Then rehab. Then Surreal Life. Then Lifetime Movies. Then Lifetime Movie Channel Movies. Then rehab! And it's because I have the name! I deserve it all!! Bwhahahaahahahah.

Wait a minute... Are you saying this hasn't been said on the show? I could have sworn I've heard Nois say it.

[jwm]

Lois: Me and Chloe. We share the same DNA.

Jimmy: That's what I don't get. You two are completely different.

Lois: You're such an idiot. Two people can share the same nicely decorated apartment without being exactly alike.

Jimmy: Wouldn't that be NDA?

Lois: Oh. My bad.

This post has been edited by jwm: Apr 18, 2008 @ 12:25 pm.

[CantThinkUpName]

More from Descent

*Alexander visits Clark after the funeral*

Alexander: Uh Clark, you do you remember Lionel was an asshole, right? You saw him abusing me when you visited my mind a couple a weeks ago.
Clark: Oh little Lex, here's what you don't understand. He did that to protect me. You were just...collateral damage.
Alexander: Wait...what?
Clark: Lionel was an asshole to you because he devoted his life to protecting me. You had to be mentally destroyed and abused and treated like shit because Lionel was making sure that I was ok. It's fair if you think about it.

Lex *to Chloe*: "Your personal items. I'll have it boxed up and sent to your home. Which I own. I probably won't evict you, it's been a long day."

Lois *to Gina*: You shot me! After I tried to hurt you! You bitch!

Clark *about Lionel*: He treated me like his second son. Wait, no third. No fourth. Wait...does Grant count? Do I know about Grant?

Lex: [Lionel] told me thee right man can make anything possible.
Gina *caressing him, coming closer*: Or the right womaen.
Lex: Now's not the time.